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heezoneie · 2 years

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champagne and sunshine

summary: y/n's been in love with jay for as long as she can remember - or at least, since they've been engaged. jay is a womanizer with no intentions of settling down, much less with a girl he barely knows. will he realize what he truly has before it's too late?

trigger warning: enhypen's jay x reader, enhypen's jake x reader, so many clichés u will have brainrot, fluff, major angst, heartwrenching confessions, mentions of alcohol, mentions of infidelity, this is just a shit ton of clichés, reader loves jay but he doesn't lover her back, jay is a dick but it's okay because jake isn't, i genuinely do not condone any of the shenanigans in this story btw, rich kid!au, arranged marriage!au, somewhat inspired by the movie majili

word count: 14.1k

author's note: it's here! it's finally here! thank you so much to the lovely @nayuyeons for allowing me to part of her wonderful collabs. she always has the most engaging ideas/prompts/fics so i suggest you check her out if you're into high quality content :) after so much time and energy, i cannot believe i'm finally releasing this monster lol. i hope you guys enjoy reading it as much as i enjoyed writing it!

please leave feedback/comments about your thoughts!

"you staring at him very obviously doesn't mean that he's somehow gonna fall in love with you, you know that right?" hyojung says, not even looking up from her phone. you glare at your best friend, lightly elbowing her in the ribs before digging through your purse to find your lipstick.

"i'm not asking him to fall in love with me!" you protest. hyojung flips her phone shut, tossing the samsung carelessly into her dior rider backpack, turning to fix you with an unimpressed stare.

"that's not what the puppy dog eyes are saying," hyojung says decidedly, continuing to examine your lipstick application, reaching up to wipe off a little bit of lipstick that had escaped the confines of your lips.

"okay, maybe i wouldn't hate it if he fell in love with me, but that doesn't mean i'm delusional or anything! in fact, my parents told me yesterday..." you trail off when your professor steps into the classroom, straightening up to get ready for the lecture. hyojung rolls her eyes, but grudgingly gets out her laptop to take notes, knowing that she would just copy yours anyway.

to be honest, you work on autopilot for majority of the lecture, your mind much too occupied with the boy sitting two rows down from you. he wasn't taking any notes, too busy sliding into the dm's of some poor, unsuspecting girl, promising a night of good fun.

which gives you an unsettling, funky feeling in your stomach that you have to squash down in favor of trying to tune into the lecture only to continue to watch him flirt with multiple girls on end, dapping his best friend up playfully when the latter leans over to see why he was typing away furiously.

before you even realize what's going on, the lecture has ended and students begin to pack up their belongings, some talking about the latest fashion shows or tech conventions they were invited to and the others talking about the juiciest gossip on this side of the han river.

"come on y/n," hyojung says, slinging her backpack over her shoulder carelessly. "daydream over."

you blink dazedly, noticing that the lecture hall was practically empty now, save for a couple of students lingering around to ask the professor specific questions.

you pack up your things haphazardly, much too consumed by the thoughts in your head about the flirtatious boy who sat two rows down from you that had a charming smile and an even more charming way of speaking.

"you know, it would make it much easier for him to fall for you if you actually talked to him, right? i mean he's literally the person you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with!" hyojung says with an exasperated drawl in her voice. the louboutins she's wearing are loud compared to your balmain b-court sneakers, attracting more attention to her (and by proxy, you) than you were comfortable with.

"how would i even start that conversation?" you protested, running your hands through your hair as the two of you make your way to hyojung's car. "hey fiancé that i've only talked to like three times in my entire life! i'm in love with you. let's get married right now! actually wait, that part actually makes sense. my parents have practically thrown me at him already."

you duck your head when you realize that your outburst has garnered some interest from the people dotting the hallways, a large majority of them giving you understanding and sympathetic looks.

"you're, and i mean this in the best way possible, a genuine idiot, are you aware of that?" hyojung hisses, dragging you towards her car, unlocking it quickly.

"yes, well, maybe i'd be less of an idiot if i wasn't twenty years old and about to get married to a literal stranger!" you exclaim, tossing your bag in the backseat of the car.

the ferrari roars to life as hyojung streaks out of the college parking lot, weaving through traffic to get to her apartment (which was actually a penthouse suite) as soon as possible.

she ushers you into her apartment quickly, dismissing mrs. kang (the housekeeper who had been working for the noh's since before hyojung was even born) before sitting you down on the couch in the parlor.

"now that we're in the comfort - and privacy - of our own home, do you wanna spill where all of this unwarranted tension is coming from?" hyojung says, getting up for a moment to grab a mint pressed lemonade from the mini-fridge in the corner of the massive room. she tosses you a strawberry pressed juice, looking at you expectantly.

you sigh, taking a long swig of the juice, wishing that there was at least enough sugar to knock you out and put you into a sugar induced coma - preferably long enough for you to never have to confront your fiancé. ever.

"my parents...have finally moved forward with the merger. they want to push up the date of the marriage," you say, putting your head in your hands. hyojung splutters at this new piece of information, dragging her hand across her lips to collect the lemonade that was threatening to spill from her mouth in a way that her mother would lecture her about being 'unbecoming of a lady' if she were here. thankfully, she wasn't.

"first of all, i'm a little bit offended that you didn't tell me this sooner. and secondly, isn't this a good thing? i mean you've sorta had a crush on him since you were literally nine years old. at least this means that something finally happens," she says, leaning on her head on the heel of the palm so she could face you with the full force of her glare.

"don't look at me like that; i literally only found out last night. to be honest, i've kinda been numb ever since i found out. besides, yeah, sure, i have a crush on him. but that doesn't mean i'm ready for marriage! i mean, i thought i could put off the actual marriage part for another two years at the very least. you know as well as i do what marriage means for any respectable girl in this stupid place," you say, your voice growing throatier with each word as you try to fight the tears springing in your eyes.

hyojung can only nod sympathetically, rubbing your arm in solidarity. the apartment is silent for a couple moments, save for your sniffles and the occasional hiccup.

your best friend is about to suggest a (reckless) wonderful plan on how to get out of the marriage while still making your fiancé fall in love with you (which was not only practically impossible, but again, recklessly stupid) when mrs. kang walks back into the room, bowing to announce her presence.

"ma'am? miss y/n? your fiancé is here for you," she says, before making the wise decision to vacate from the area as soon as possible. you and hyojung exchange a startled look, hyojung rushing to answer the door as you pretend to preoccupy yourself with a three week old newspaper that was lying on the coffee table, grimacing when you see the front page image that graphically depicted a horrifying murder just down the street from where you grew up.

nothing like a good old hometown murder to cheer you up.

"hey! wasn't expected to see you here," you hear hyojung say with a voice so disgustingly politely fake, it sounded as if she had injected her vocal cords with botox.

"hyojung? hey, yeah, this is kinda important. is y/n inside?" you hear the man at the door say in a rushed voice. you could practically hear the gears turning in hyojung's head. were you here or not?

"why would you think that y/n would be here?" hyojung says carefully, and you could kiss her right then and there for her attempts at evasion. bless her heart; she really tries. your fiancé sighs, dragging his hand over his face.

"i saw her leave with you, okay? and i know that the two of you are best friends so if she knows what i know, she's probably confiding in you right now, given how loudly the two of you were gossiping in the hallways. now can i come inside or not?" there's a pregnant pause as hyojung stares him down, neither of them willing to back off. you bite your lip in sheer nerves as you get up from your seat on the sofa, walking to where hyojung and your fiancé were having a stand-off.

you hesitate for a moment before putting your hand on hyojung's arm, silently asking for her to move it so that you could you come face to face with the current bane of your life. you muster all the courage you have to slowly look at your fiancé in the eyes.

"hi jay. i assume you want to talk about the marriage."

+++

the parlor is filled with awkward silence as the both of you try to find the words that will adequately remodel the silence into laughter, not quite sure where to begin. hyojung sidesteps the ottoman to offer jay a pressed juice (the same one that she usually saved for you, actually) that he accepts with a thankful smile, fidgeting with the cap before taking a deep breath and turning to you.

"y/n, look, you and i are not ready to get married," jay says bluntly, and you nod, although your heart pangs a little bit for some unknown reason. "but at the same time, we can't exactly get out of the marriage or whatever, right?"

you nod again. backing out of the marriage would mean that the both of you would be kicked out of the home and be disgraced from the elite class of seoul city, something you couldn't afford to do, even if you didn't exactly like the conditions you were living in now.

"so we need to come to an agreement before we get married, alright?" jay proposes, leaning forward. he steeples his hands and looks at you as if he were submitting a business proposal instead of speaking to his fiancé. you're not sure whether you want to laugh or cry at the formality of the situation.

"what do you suggest, jay?" you say softly, huddling into hyojung. you've always been more on the acquiescent side, ready to change your adjust your very self for those you cared for. for your fiancé? you were willing to uproot the world and hand it to him if that was what made him happy.

jay is taken aback for a split second, evidently surprised that you were so willing to accept to his terms and conditions. he shakes his head slightly to clear it of the fog, slipping back into his formal persona.

"i say that we continue with the marriage, but only on paper and in front of cameras. when there's no press or unwanted attention, you and i can go our own separate ways," jay begins, uncharacteristically nervous now that he was actually saying everything he had been mulling over for the past twelve hours. you can start to feel your heart break a little bit more with every word that leaves his mouth but you don't let it show, tucking yourself into hyojung's side, the latter having picked up on your sensitivity.

"you have my full consent to date whoever you want to. obviously where there are no cameras, of course, but otherwise there are no rules or regulations. hell, you can even bring the person to the house if you want to. do i have your consent to do the same?" you blink furiously to keep the tears that were threatening to well up in your eyes at bay, trying your best to compose yourself. was your fiancé, the love of your life, actually asking for your consent to keep a mistress during the marriage?

suddenly, the air in the room felt too thin, as if you had been hiking to the peaks of mount everest and you tap hyojung's arm, your best friend immediately springing into action.

"well, thank you so much for coming over jay! i'd love to see you some other time when you aren't insinuating deliberate infidelity. good day," she says, signaling for mrs. kang to escort the man out of her home.

you keep your head tilted upward, refusing to let even a teardrop escape from your eyes until you hear the telltale click of the front door indicating that jay had left the apartment before you completely break down, crying into your hands as your body wracks with sobs.

hyojung immediately rushes over from where she was standing, whispering soothing words as she rubs her hands over your shoulders.

"it's alright, y/n. everything is going to be just fine," she says in a hushed tone as she holds you in her arms. her words sound fake even to her own ears. she knows no matter what she says, there's nothing she can do to take away the pain. so she holds on, occasionally pressing a kiss to your temple, and hoping that jay comes to his senses before he breaks your heart once and for all.

+++

sunghoon and jake exchange a look as they lean against the living room couch in jay's living room, slowly setting down the alcohol in their hands, coming to the realization that at least the two of them would be necessary to tame a very angry (and drunk) jay.

"am i asking for anything out-of-this-world crazy? no! i was just asking for some cooperation and solidarity. neither of want to do this. and with the wedding in two months, how the actual fuck am i supposed to try and live my life if my stupid fiancé won't help me?" jay bellows, turning his accusatory gaze towards his other best friend. jake sinks in his seat, hoping that jay turns his hostility back to sunghoon before jake was sent into cardiac arrest before his time.

"jay, i know you're upset right now but you realize that you're being unreasonable, right?" sunghoon says carefully. jay pauses, shaking his head with a little laugh, as if he were giving his close friend another chance to take back his statement and offer up a new one that he would actually want to hear.

jake inhales through his teeth, getting up to pat jay on the shoulder.

"you are being a little bit unreasonable, jay," jake says softly, gently guiding jay so that he could sit down on the ground next to the two of them.

"et tu, brutus?" jay says wildly, shaking his head once more.

"come on, jay, you genuinely can't think that the girl who you've been engaged to since childhood is actually going agree to letting yourself whore around, right?" sunghoon says, wincing when jake slaps him in the arm.

"i think what sunghoon was trying to say is that y/n is a nice kid, alright? a nice, sensitive girl who honestly probably has feelings for you," jake says slowly, not sure whether jay was actually listening to him in his drunken state. jay is silent for a moment before bursting into a fit of laughter, giggles wracking through his body.

"you're joking, right? what a funny joke," jay says, his laughter dying down when he sees the serious expression on his best friends' faces. "oh, you're being serious?"

sunghoon rolls his eyes, pulling out his phone to search you up on instagram. he opens your profile and shoves his phone in jay's face, groaning when jay refuses to accept the device.

"look at this, jay. look at this poor girl! she literally captions her posts after songs that you like. she wears things that she knows you like on girls. she's always sweet and polite and never fucking demands anything from you. she rejects every single boy who asks her out because she's hoping that she'll get a little bit of affection from you. and you went straight to her house and asked her if you could fuck around while the two of you are married!" jake says, snatching the phone from sunghoon. his chest is heaving by the end of his rant and jay stares at him in shock, silently accepting the phone at last.

he was right, jay admits, albeit begrudgingly. your captions were song lyrics that he liked. you were wearing things you saw the girls around him wear. and you never had a picture of another man besides your father on your instagram.

the one picture that stands out the most is where you're wearing this stunning, slinky dress that clings to your soft curves and dips, as if it were worshipping your body. it's recent, given the fact that you have a flute of champagne in your hands, and your head is thrown back in laughter, the light of the sunset behind you glinting off of you in perfect shades of pink, orange, and red.

champagne and sunshine, says the caption. his favorite song, jay realizes belatedly. you looked stunning.

"alright, i get it. maybe that was a dick move, i got it. but that still doesn't change anything! i do not want to get married to her. i mean i don't want to get married at all, it's not like it's specific to her or anything. i like women, alright? i like hitting and dipping," jay says, his ever-adamant nature refusing to let him back down from the argument.

sunghoon rolls his eyes, popping open a new soju bottle.

"well then, do whatever it is you want to do in the next two months, because after that, you're gonna be a married man and you and i both know that you're way above cheating, jay," sunghoon says, his coolness soothing the tension within the room to an extent. jake is silent, something that sunghoon takes notice of, as he pours soju in a shot glass and offers it to his upset best friend. jay grudgingly accepts the shot glass, downing the drink in one go.

"alright then. guess i'm going to go out with a bang," jay says, a wicked smile overtaking his face. sunghoon sighs, shaking his head with a fond smile. jake is silent, however, and the night feels a little bit colder on his skin when he and sunghoon finally leave to their own respective apartments.

"you wanna tell me what that was about?" sunghoon says, not looking at jake as they walk towards where their cars were parked. jake is silent and sunghoon doesn't press, knowing that sooner or later, the former would say whatever he needed to say whenever he needed to say it.

sunghoon's about to get in his car and drive away when jake pulls up next to him, rolling down his window to say something to the younger boy.

"he doesn't deserve a girl like her," jake says. and with that, he was speeding off into the night and sunghoon was left with a heavy realization weighing on his conscience.

+++

you do everything in your power to avoid jay the next day. he tries to speak to you before the lecture but before he can catch your eye, you're darting away to huddle next to hyojung, who fixes him with a healthy dose of glaring. the moment the lecture ends, you're hustling out the door, disappearing into your car with hyojung not far behind.

he even tries showing up at hyojung's house again, but it turns out that mrs. kang was under strict instructions to never let jay into her home again, even if jay was dying of profuse bleeding.

jay winces at that, nodding in acknowledgement as the door shuts in his face, sighing as he turns around to lean the back of his head against the door.

"how the hell am i supposed to get married to her now?" jay mutters under his breath, pushing himself off of the door. he stares at your best friend's apartment door once more before shaking his head, making his way downstairs to get into his car.

he doesn't get an answer until three days later, the day you were supposed to officially meet jay's parents. he fidgets with his napkin, looking awfully nervous in this high-end restaurant that he knew you wouldn't care to visit otherwise.

he hopes you're kind enough to save his hide in front of his parents and show up this time. jay's mother's smile grows thinner and thinner as the minutes pass, making you fifteen minutes later than you were supposed to be here.

they've already covered all the basic topics, barely skimming on the surface, sticking to topics they knew were less controversial and easier to talk about than the elephant in the room. jay's father checks his watch, and opens his mouth to say something about perhaps starting to order before you arrived when you burst through the front door.

your eyes dart around the restaurant before your eyes land on jay's figure, your demeanor shifting from rushed and confused to slightly afraid and cold. the waiter in front of you asks you where your reservation is and before you can answer, jay's father waves his hand as if he were flagging you down, nodding when the waiter indicates towards you.

you smoothen the front of your chiffon dress quickly as you make your way over, knowing you looked the very picture of perfection in the eyes of jay's mother (aside from the fact that you were very late), with a demure composition, lilting voice, and beautiful features.

"i truly apologize for my lateness," you say, sliding into the seat to the right of jay so that you were on the left of his father and across from his mother. "there was a kitten who was terribly hurt on the side of the road. i suppose i lost track of time while making sure the kitten was attended to properly."

your voice is steady, but your eyes are trained on the silverware in front of you, a sign that you were both aware of your mistakes (and repenting for them) and that you were submitting to the more dominant figures at the table. even the way you sat down could show your wealthy upbringing, meaning that the moment you had stepped through the entrance of the restaurant, the politics had already started. you don't let any of the annoyance bubbling inside of you show on your face, however, instead putting on a wonderful mask of happiness.

"oh, please do not worry at all, y/n. after all, we couldn't be more happy to hear that we have such a kind daughter-in-law, could we james?" jay's mother says, extending her hand so that you could take it in yours, giving you your cue to finally be able to hold your head up amongst the three of them.

"yes, yes, of course, my dear. such a kind daughter-in-law will be perfect for our hot-headed son," jay's father says with a jovial laugh, although the underlining intention is more than clear enough to the both of you. a sudden rush of heat races down your spine as you come face to face with the realization that you represent much more than just your own family now; you represented the park family as well.

"well, shall we order?" jay proposes after a beat of silence. you open up your menu and see that while you recognize a good set of dishes on the menu, you didn't know what tasted good at this restaurant at all. if you were going to suffer through a night with your estranged fiancé's parents, you were going to do it with good food, you had decided on the way here. you were going to research in the car beforehand but the entire ordeal with the kitten put your mind out of sorts and prompted you to forget to do so.

jay notices how your eyes dart around on the menu, barely concealing panic before he grasps your menu, setting it down with a gentle smile.

"here, how about i order for you?" he says, uncharacteristically softly. you pause, looking at him for a moment, unable to decipher whether he was being genuine or not. it takes you a couple of seconds to register his question, having decided that he was being genuine, and most likely, was trying to make up for the fiasco from last week.

you hesitate, but nod, allowing him to find an option that he thought would your tastes the best (how the hell he knew what you liked and didn't like would be put to the test now, you supposed).

jay's mother and father exchange a pleased look, his mother smiling at you fondly.

when you finish ordering, jay's father turns to you and you mentally prepare yourself for the interrogation that is sure to come, although you know that it'll be much more mild than many other kids, given the fact that you had been engaged to jay since you were mere children.

it didn't help that you were quite literally molded into being the perfect wife for him since you were a child. or that you were head over heels in love with him. not helpful in the slightest.

"so, y/n, i hear that you're quite the studious candidate," jay's father says, taking a sip of his water. you shake your head softly, giving him a polite smile.

"i like to learn, sir, that's all it is. i cannot say that i'm very academically inclined but i love what i learn," you say, and jay's mother is satisfied with this answer. demure, polite, humble. check check check.

"don't listen to her, father. y/n is in my accounting class and i assure you, she is one of the most brilliant minds there," jay says, turning to you with a bright smile. you don't meet his eyes, looking straight down in your lap instead. is this how jay managed to charm all the women? throw a couple of compliments their way, put in a good word or two, and that was it? how cheap.

and how incredibly effective.

+++

you can feel jay's eyes on you as you rub your hands against your arm, your dress fluttering in the wind of the cold night. you purposefully ignore him, much too afraid of the truths he might reveal if you were with him for too long. ten years of engagement and little more than four conversations, the last of which he asked you for permission to commit adultery.

quite frankly, you're not sure what to even say to him. because although you know that jay has no clue about your feelings, somehow, it felt as though he betrayed your love when he came to hyojung's house four days ago.

but on the other hand, he had done his best to seek you out afterwards, even coming back to hyojung's house, although to say what exactly, you weren't sure.

"y/n, could you please look at me? i want you to know that i'm being sincere when i apologize." the words are soft and careful, as if jay was afraid you would lash out at him if he even uttered a single syllable in your direction. you're caught off guard, clearly having prepared to go home simmering in anger that jay hadn't apologized. at least that would've been easier on your poor heart.

willing your erratic heart to beat steady, you turn towards him, instantly feeling yourself melting at the sheer regret in jay's eyes.

"i'm being sincere in my apology, y/n. i genuinely regret what i said at hyojung's house. it was very childish and foolish of me. but, please, you have to understand - " jay's cut off by the arrival of your valet driver bringing up the car. you hesitate between staying and letting jay finish and running away before your mind decides that perhaps getting over jay wasn't nearly as vital as it was.

you're about to make the (not so) logical decision to get in your car and speed away from this entire situation when you feel a hand on your wrist, not pulling you anywhere but as a silent plead for mercy. you try to ignore just how warm jay's hand is as your head whirls, looking for a way out that wouldn't break your heart as much as it has.

"i'm not used to apologizing, y/n, but i'm trying. all i'm asking for is a chance to explain myself," says the man behind you. you hear the pride in his voice, the hurt ego, a hint of regret tainting it all. you know you should pull away. you know you should distance yourself. you know that if you give him a chance to explain himself, you're never going to get over him. and yet, you silently hand him the keys to your car and allow him to drive you home.

the car ride is silent, filled with worry and tension. you put on some jazz music in an attempt to soothe your frayed nerves, but it seemed to be as useful as a sweater in the hot summer sun, which is to say not at all.

thankfully, the restaurant that jay's parents had elected to meet at was fairly close to your home, meaning that you were spared of any feeble attempts to make small talk on either of your behalfs.

jay drops the keys in your hands once you get out of the car, head inclined towards your home.

"are your parents home?" he asks, running a hand through his hair. you avert your eyes, hoping that your beating heart would stand still after seeing how good he looked with his hair pushed back.

"yes," you murmur softly, guiding him to the entrance of your home, noticing how jay blanches and immediately goes rigid, folding his hands in front of him in a perfect picture of a polite son-in-law. it only served to be a reminder of just how charming jay could be when he wanted to.

and just how careful you had to be.

mr. do, your family's butler, is the one who opens the door, his mask of poise slipping in the slightest when he recognizes the man on your side, welcoming the both of you into the house.

"your mother and father are both in the study, ms. y/n," mr. do says politely, bowing in greeting to jay. you nod, thanking him gently, as you make your way to the study to formally greet your parents. you rarely stayed at home, given that you spent a large majority of your time at hyojung's apartment, an occurrence which came to be due to your parents' busy lives traveling across the world for their business.

"whatever you do, do not bring up politics in front of my father, alright? he's going to try and rope you into his new plans for campaign and i refuse to let that happen," you say under your breath, before pushing open the door to the study with a bright smile.

"hello mother, hello father," you say, bowing and greeting them with a kiss on the cheek. everyone in the room that this was all for show, but in the grand drama of the life of the elite, they were all actors and so not a single soul was willing to give up their screen time.

"hello darling," your mother says, giving you a hug which felt more like you were hugging a mannequin than a human being.

"hello mother, hello father," jay greets, bowing deeply. your father gets up from his large desk chair, walking across the room in brisk motion to clasp jay's hand and shake it firmly.

"hello son," your father says, lukewarm affection coating his tone. your mother's eyes quickly scan over your fiancé, seemingly satisfied with the price tag of the suit he was wearing.

how frustratingly shallow.

"mother, father, is it alright if jay and i were to discuss a few important things in my room?" you ask, noticing the glint in your father's eyes that indicated that he was about to launch into his spiel about politics.

your mother and father exchange an uneasy glance, well aware of the fact that once the doors were closed, they would only find out on the wedding day that they were becoming grandparents in less than seven months.

"it's about the wedding," jay hurriedly supplies, which eases the concern written on your father's face to an extent. your mother nods slowly, appeased by the innocence jay exudes, and gently nudges you to stand next to your fiancé.

"alright, alright, i understand that you two lovebirds might have things you don't want us older folks to hear about," your father concedes grudgingly. "but i want that door to be open at all times!"

you barely keep yourself from rolling your eyes too hard in their presence.

"why do we even keep pretending that they're right?" you say quietly. "as if anything were to happen between us."

jay doesn't know why, but there's a funny sinking feeling in his chest when you say that that he's not ready to question.

not when the last time he felt like this was with her. the first and last girl he had ever fallen for.

lin kelly.

+++

your room is much more sterile than jay would've expected, given that you'd spent majority of your childhood in this room, but it makes sense with the context of the fact that you were at boarding school for a large part of your childhood, directly followed by entrance into a prestigious high school, succeeded by your attendance at seoul's finest university.

just like a perfect rich girl, jay muses silently, although he's really no position to speak. he followed the same footsteps you had (really, all the rich young kids all did). the only reason why he even knew about any of this was the fact that when your parents had been contemplating which boarding school to send you to, they had consulted jay's parents, given that jay's older brother was already attending boarding school.

you sit on the edge of your bed, nodding towards a white fluffy chair placed conveniently across from where you were sitting. far away enough so that if anyone were to walk by, they wouldn't suspect anything of ill intention but you could also speak privately if you used hushed tones and muted body language.

"jay, before you say anything, can i say something?" you say quickly, looking down at your hands, afraid of what you might see if you were to look upwards. you take his silence as a go-ahead, sucking a deep breath before you speak, shutting your eyes tightly in fear.

"i love you, jay. i've loved you since we were literally kids. for you, marriage might not be something you want. to be honest, i'm not really ready for marriage either. but i was willing to try - willing to risk it if you were there with me. when you came to hyojung's house and said...and said what you said, i genuinely was doing everything i could to keep from breaking apart in front of you."

"i'm not saying this to shame you or to keep you from living your life the way you want to. i'm saying this because i'm trying my best to get over you, i promise. i just need you to know so that i don't make you uncomfortable when we inevitably live together."

jay is completely silent for what feels like hours, even prompting you to open your eyes slightly to see if he was still in the room. he was, you realize, and looking at you with such an intense look, you felt as though he was looking into your very soul.

neither of you say anything, and you get up from your position on the bed, stepping into the closet area to change from your dress into pajamas that were slightly more comfortable to confront your fiancé and your feelings which were now in the open.

your eyes fly open, leaning your head against the door in shock. what had you just done?

did you seriously just confess to your one-sided crush of ten years? in your childhood bedroom? while having a conversation about adultery?

it takes a remarkable amount of self-control to keep yourself from trying to bash your head into the door of the closeted area once more, hoping that if you stayed inside for long enough, at some point, jay would just leave of his own accord.

he doesn't, you find out.

he's sitting in the same exact position that you had left him in: head in his hands and a remarkably tired expression on his face from what sliver of the side of his face that you manage to catch a glimpse of before you turn away, a mixture of shame, guilt, horror, and relief washing over you in ebbing waves of pain.

you feel a little bit better, having changed into much more comfortable silk pajamas, but the problem now is very much out in the open, something that you weren't exactly comfortable with. you decide that you were going to blame it on hyojung's and all her training on aggressiveness and standing up for yourself.

what a load of fucking bullshit.

"her name was kelly lin. lin kelly," jay says finally, still not lifting his head up. your heart stops in its place, as if it too was in shock from what it was hearing. no amount of silk pajamas were going to save you from this, you realize, as jay lifts his head. his eyes are rimmed with red and there's a certain glimmer of sadness that you had passed off as 'sentimentality' in the past. you pull your legs to your chest and beckon for him to continue. jay gets up from the chair, circling around your bed to look out of the window.

"she was a years older than us. i met her in the states, when i was just a kid. the moment i saw her, i fell for her. she was so beautiful, with the silkiest black hair and palest skin. and she was just perfect for me," jay says, lost in thought. you feel the crawling feeling of betrayal build up in your stomach, each comparison sticking knives into your chest, your heart begging for reprieve from the constant torture.

"she was smart, kind, funny, and she had the quickest temper. she would fight with me about everything, but i guess that's why i liked her so much; she would call it like it is, no matter what," jay continues, seemingly unaware of how much of an impact his words were having on you. you feel more and more sick to your stomach as he speaks, hurt that he had heard you spill your heart out to him and he still elected to tell you about the girl he was still head over heels in love for. but the curiosity that was eating away at you takes over all common sense you have, prompting you to ask a question that you immediately regret when you see the expression on jay's face.

"what happened to her?" jay's nostalgic gaze turns bitter, a cruel smile scarring his beautiful lips with the hurt concealed within it. he laughs, the sound so jarring and filled with raw pain and anger that you feel a shiver go down your spine.

"what happens to all of us, y/n: she got engaged to another boy against her will. and then she got married," jay said, his fist growing tight, knuckles turning white and fingernails digging into his skin. he sighs, turning away from the window and shaking his head. "she wasn't happy for a single moment i saw her. she moved to london now, so i don't know how she is. but the last time i saw her, she was sobbing in my arms, begging me to take her away before she was forced to marry a man she didn't love."

you don't have any words for jay. you're not sure that there are any words, to be honest. you can't express the hurt and guilt that fills every single fiber of your being, electing to instead, swallow your down your tears and stand up, gingerly giving jay the most sincere hug you possibly can.

jay is rigid in your arms for a moment, but the moment passes and he relaxes slightly, finally letting the hot tears that he's been pushing away for the past year and a half finally fall.

if mr. do sees anything when he comes into your room, ready to offer tea, he doesn't mention anything to your parents. even when jay leaves, and you're left to deal with your emotions on your own, mr. do simply closes the blinds of the windows, hoping that the ever-loving moon would grant some relief for the young, tired souls who had spilled their hearts tonight.

+++

hyojung has always been the less emotional of the two of you. she liked staying on top of her emotions, saying that it was unbecoming of a woman to have her mascara running all the time.

so when you catch her sniffling after you tell her the events of the previous night, and a few stray tears find their way onto your jean jacket when she presses a kiss to your forehead, all you can do is hold onto her tighter and hope that this would pass.

"so," hyojung says, clearing her throat quickly. "this entire thing was about the fact that jay has terrible therapists and now he uses sex to substitute actually getting over his ex?"

you give her a slight shrug at the attempt to make the situation a little bit more lighthearted, curling up under the covers of the weighted blanket that hyojung had haphazardly tucked you into after she saw your bloodshot eyes and rumpled pajamas when you knocked on her door at six thirty on a saturday morning.

"i guess so. i didn't know what to say. i mean, i would be seriously fucked up if that happened to me too," you say with a sigh, staring up at the ceiling as you settle in a more comfortable position on the couch. "i never really thought about the fact that maybe jay doesn't want the same things that i do, you know? i just kinda figured that when we got married, even if he didn't like me immediately, it would just happen eventually. but after hearing all of this, i don't know what to do. i know what it's like to fall in love that hard, jung-ie. there is no way that i could actually force him to get over his ex."

hyojung nods but catches herself, looking at you strangely when she processes what you said.

"yeah, no, i get it, you'd be a dick to try and force jay to get over his lady love blah blah blah. but what about you?" you look at your best friend with furrowed eyebrows, tuning out the full house rerun that was playing on the television screen, song hye-kyo laughing at yet another scripted cliché that rain says in a foolish tone.

"how do you mean?" hyojung looks at you as if you were dumb, adjusting her position on the couch to punch you in the arm, ignoring your yelp of (fake) pain.

"i mean you're saying that it would be unfair of you to try and force jay to get over kelly, right?" hyojung says slowly, speaking to you the way one would speak to a young child. "but you can't force yourself to get over jay, either. it's not fair to you."

this revelation simmers in your head for a moment, listlessly watching as rain and song hye-kyo get into yet another fight, trying to piece together messy respites of knowledge that you could manage to put in order.

"then what do i do, jung-ie? i can't force him to get over her and i can't force myself to get over him. what do you do when the one person you want love from can't give it to you?"

there's no answer that succeeds the pregnant pause your heavy question delivers. the rain's sobs echo through the room and soon enough, so do yours.

+++

hyojung accompanies you to all the aspects of wedding preparation you and jay were expected to be present for, thankfully. it pisses jay's mother off a little too much, but even she cannot seem to say anything when she realizes that the only person you really smile around any more is her.

jay's mother isn't blind. she sees how you plaster on a fake polite smile around jay and guests to ensure that no one saw the anguish that swam in your eyes. she sees it because she was once in your shoes. something had happened between you and jay, causing you to shy away from his advances, curl up in fear when he spoke to you, and downright run away when he tried to touch you.

and all she can do is watch.

she knows this is because of kelly. it was the only secret jay had. the only secret which could drive you, the girl who was madly in love with jay, away from him. but she can't say anything. she knows that you want to talk to him, want to forgive him, want to beg him to love you the way you love him. but you can't. and she cannot shake jay's shoulders and ask him to wake up to the madwoman who was head over heels in love with him.

and all she can do is watch.

she watches when hyojung steals you away any time jay came too close. she watches as you bolster your shoulders when guests start to catch on. she watches as jake and sunghoon comfort jay to the best of their abilities. she watches as jake's eyes linger on your frame for a little too long to be appropriate.

and all she can do is watch.

it's suffocatingly frustrating as she sees her son make the mistakes she saw her husband make when they were in their youth, wanting either you to turn away from all of this altogether, or for jay to wake up to his mistakes.

either way, she has no voice of her own, always abiding by the opinion and want of her husband. her husband told her that they shouldn't let jay marry kelly. she kept quiet when jay begged her to help him run after the love of his life. her husband told her that jay should marry you. she kept quiet when she saw your heart break piece by piece the longer jay led you on. she never said a single word, no matter how much she wanted scream for her husband to stay quiet and let her son decide what he wanted from life.

now, she can only watch as you ruin your life the way she ruined hers. although she waits and wishes for a miracle, in which jay would finally reciprocate your love or jake would come whisk you away and treat you like the princess you deserve to be treated as, she knows she shouldn't hold her breath. after all, she would be the one running out of air.

"don't they look wonderful together?" mrs. park's husband asks his wife, leaning over to speak in a theatrically hushed voice, attracting the attention of everyone around them as they watched you and your fiancé practice the wedding ceremony together. mrs. park says nothing, instead watching how jake's eyes follow you around the room, as you practice every aspect of the wedding that was to occur in the next two weeks.

"yes," she murmurs softly, watching your heart bleed on the marble floors as jay's gaze is planted firmly on your forehead rather than your eyes. "wonderful."

+++

hyojung is a lifesaver, you think, as your best friend comes to save you from your estranged fiancé as soon as the two of you break apart to take a quick breather from all of the dancing you had been doing for the past half hour.

"do you need water? a little cake? ooh! i picked up your favorite pressed lemonade on my way here," hyojung fires in rapid succession, fluttering around you to make sure that you don't accidentally make any eye contact with jay before you needed to.

"no, i'm alright honey. do you wanna sit down? i feel like you're a little nervous," you say, dragging hyojung down to sit next to you. hyojung complies but gives you a side-eyed look, snapping a quick smile on her face when she sees jake approach the two of you.

"of course i'm nervous, darling! it's not like this situation warrants exuberant joy, now does it?" she says, cutting herself off when jake is finally in front of you.

"hello y/n, hello hyojung," the fluffy-haired boy says brightly, using a soft tone to address you. "how are the two of you?"

hyojung's eyebrows furrow as she examines the boy in front of her, only letting up when you rest your hand on her thigh.

"we're alright, jake, how are you?" you reply politely, unsure of where exactly you stood with jake. you had spoken to him a handful of times, given the fact that wherever jay went, jake seemed to follow. he was a sweet boy, from what you understood, with a mild temperament and a penchant for smiling.

"oh, i'm fine, i'm fine." jake's tone grows a little more serious, lowering his voice as he sits down next to you. "are you sure you're alright though?"

you and hyojung exchange a look and you lean back in your seat, letting hyojung take the wheel for this conversation.

"how do you mean, jake?" hyojung says. the look on jake's face gives it away before he says anything and you sigh, shaking your head.

"do you know?"

jake freezes when he understands what your best friend implies, debating between whether he should lie and save face for you or if he should tell you the truth and embarrass you.

"i...i know. everything," he concedes finally, and you can feel a hot wave of shame wash over you. "but i swear, i'm about just as angry at jay as you are."

you laugh, but there is no mirth in your voice, just mocking pain that's glaringly obvious.

"why should you be upset with jay? he's in love with his married ex and i'm in love with my fiancé who doesn't love me back," you say lifelessly, the lack of the usual warmth in your voice grating on jake's ears. jake winces slightly before remembering where he was, straightening up before you noticed, eyes widening a smidge when he realizes that hyojung had been watching him all the while.

she hadn't noticed anything...had she?

"hey, i know that you don't want to hear this right now, and honestly, i'm not even sure if i should say this or not but jay really cares about you. he's been beating himself up over telling you ever since that day and honestly, i kinda don't blame him. you deserve someone who loves you truly and completely." and with that, he's gone as soon as he arrives. hyojung can only hope that you don't catch onto the melancholy in his voice before she can stop the train wreck that she was sure was going to happen. although, perhaps this was a disaster that was just meant to happen. and she wasn't foolish enough to mess with destiny.

your best friend meets eyes with your mother-in-law, nodding slightly. for now, they would watch. all they could do was watch.

+++

it's visible from a mile away, hyojung realizes somewhat suddenly, how in love with jay you are. you're walking to accounting with your head in the clouds, paying little regard to your best friend. you're contemplating how in a short span of nine days, it literally wouldn't matter how well you did in this class because as soon as the ring slid onto your finger, you would become little more than jay's side piece, constantly hanging off his arm because very few people were interested in the wives of successful men, regardless of how successful these women themselves were.

it's startling to realize just how in love you were with jay park.

she stops dead in her tracks, right before the doorway to the lecture hall where you would have to inevitably see the one person you genuinely didn't want to see at all. you were in love with jay.

hyojung feels as though logically, she should've made this connection much sooner than she actually had, but the realization sends her spinning, side-eyeing you quickly as the you give her a weird look, pulling her into the lecture hall, ducking as you drag your best friend quickly, not wanting to make any eye contact with your fiancé or his charming best friend.

"you love jay," hyojung says dazedly. you deadpan at her, eyes darting around to see if anyone was listening, although the fact that you and jay were to be married in a little over a week was a well publicized affair.

"yes, hyojung, i do. that has been the bane of my existence for the past couple of years, in case you haven't noticed in the past oh, ten years or so," you say in a monotone voice, pulling your laptop out of your backpack. hyojung shakes her head, looking at you with wide eyes, clutching your arm in panic.

"no, y/n, i mean you love him. and he's in love with another woman! you are signing off your life to a man who will never be able to love you the way you love him." you're not sure what it is. perhaps it's the fact that hyojung, the more emotionally stable and happy-go-lucky of the two of you, is hyperventilating next to you. or the fact that the realization washes over you once more, the gravity of your situation finally sinking in underneath your skin, filling every single crevice of your body with a sense of looming dread until it creeps up your spine, choking you with fear and hopelessness.

jay turns around to look at you, and immediately, you begin to pack your things, bolting out of the lecture hall as soon as you can, hyojung hot on your heels. jake can only watch you leave with tears streaming down your cheeks, jay gathering his things hurriedly and rushing after you, tossing out quick apologies to the professor as he tries to catch up to you.

all he can do is watch. watch the love of his life run from the love of her life while his own feet stayed planted firmly on the ground underneath him.

+++

"y/n!" you hear jay call from behind you as you run as fast as you can. you're not quite sure where you're running to, only aware of the pavement underneath you and hyojung's presence right next to you, your eyes much too blurred by tears to quite see what is happening.

"y/n, please!" you run even faster, head ducked downwards as you run, run to get further and further away from the only person you have ever loved, unsure of whether your poor heart could handle even a single drop more of hurt before it broke for good.

you come to a crashing halt when you ram headfirst into a warm, solid object, falling on the ground as sobs wrack your body, curling into yourself on the ground.

"i can't do this, jung-ie. i'm so fucking tired. i just want it all to go away," you cry, unable to even catch your breath from the force of your crying. "everything. i just want it all to go away. i wish i had never fallen in love. wish i didn't know him. wish i didn't sacrifice so much for him. i wish - i wish i never even fucking met him!"

you feel hyojung's lithe arms curl around your torso, pulling you to her chest, as the two of you cry in the open grounds of the university, having made it all the way to the edge of the central square in your mad dash.

"shh, i know, baby, i know," hyojung whispers into your hair, unable to contain her own tears. she glares up at the figure in front of them with so much hatred, she feels as though she could incinerate him with a mere glare. "it's all your fucking fault."

"no it's not," you whisper meekly, finally calming down enough to pause your crying. "it's not his fault."

jay stares at you with a stunned expression, clearly having expected some other reaction. a reaction that was easier to explain, or deal with, perhaps. but not the quiet defeat, the sound of utter exhaustion in your voice that was chipping away at the stone walls of jay's heart.

"hyojung, as much as i hate to admit it, it's no one's fault but my own. but just because it's my fault doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt," you say, and hyojung's heart all but breaks at the apathy in your voice.

"y/n, i am so sorry," jay confesses and your breath catches in your throat when you realize that this is the first time you have ever heard say the word 'sorry' before.

"you're what?" hyojung says in disbelief, not sure whether her ears were deceiving her or not. jay pulls at his tie, getting on his knees to meet you at eye level. he hesitates for a moment before gently clasping one of your hands in his, pulling it to his chest.

"i'm so sorry y/n. i wish i had met you first. i wish i never had to put you through any of this. i'm so incredibly sorry," he says, and with that, a fresh flood of tears overtake you, and jay leverages you into his chest, letting you cry into his shirt, soaking it with your tears.

all you can think about is the continuous stream of apologies jay whispers into your hair, not even noticing the brown-haired figure watching you slowly try to start to fix your broken heart as he broke his own.

+++

the days leading up to the wedding were a blur. you had no concrete idea of what exactly was going on, to be quite honest. someone would tell you it was time to wake up and try some makeup on and you would just comply. someone else would tell you to practice the steps with jay for your couple dance and you would.

you vaguely hear something about a fight at jay's bachelor party but you're so out of it that you couldn't even be bothered to really press for details when hyojung tells you, although you do find it strange that hyojung was clearly omitting information about the fight when she usually told you every single little detail about anything that happens.

you and jay had been in a strange(r) spot than you had been in before. it was this strange limbo of feeling sorry and not being sure of exactly how close the two of you were allowed to be.

you were more than just friends but much less than lovers. where does a couple like that stand?

it turns out, it doesn't matter, because before you even have time to blink, you're already at wedding day and regretting eating anything at all for dinner last night, already feeling it come out the wrong pipe.

"now honey, remember to keep a smile on your face," your mother says, fretting over the train of your wedding dress. "there are a lot of cameras out there and every single one of them believes that you want to be here so you have to play the role of your life."

you're not sure you even understand what she says before you're being pushed out of the bride's waiting room, and onto your father's arm.

you feel nothing but nerves as you grasp tightly onto your father's arm, who places a placating hand on yours, providing the comfort he had never bothered to give you throughout your entire childhood, and honestly, you're almost offended at how well it works to soothe your nerves.

it makes you feel like everything was so final; like your father was finally officially giving you away to a man who had been promised to you from the age when you were learning what a promise even meant.

the butterflies in your stomach only beat their wings harder against the confines of your body as the bride is asked to enter, and the doors to the chapel open, bathing you in a wash of bright light from the camera flashes.

you fix the happiest smile you can, conveniently looking at hyojung and then the spot right behind jay's head as you and your father slowly make your way across the red carpet of the church, your heart beating against your ribcage as your heels click against the floor.

you finally reach jay, who gives your father a polite smile and murmurs a few empty words of loving you for the rest of your life as he gently touches the back of your hand, clasping your hand, just like he had a little over a week ago as you sobbed in his arms in the middle of the school campus.

it felt as if that happened months ago, and yet as if it happened just yesterday. time was a fickle mistress, after all, and you had no power vested in you to ever hope to tame her.

to be completely honest, you tune out a large portion of the marriage ceremony, focusing mostly on making sure your smile was bright enough, nodding at appropriate times, and mostly importantly, the soft grasp that jay has on your hand.

"do you, jay jongseong park, take y/n l/n to be your lawfully wedded wife?" the minister says, and it takes every single molecule of self-control you have in your body to keep from blatantly laughing in his face.

"i do."

at least the minister didn't say legally wedded wife. technically, you had already registered your marriage with jay, although you didn't even show up as the official had just visited your home and his, mostly due to the fact that your father happened to be close golf buddies with the top associate at the court.

you're so preoccupied in your thoughts that you nearly miss the minister's next words.

"do you, y/n l/n, take jay jongseong park to be your lawfully wedded husband?" you finally look up at jay, searching his eyes for a single shred of safety that would provide you with the security you would need to keep from running out of the establishment right then and there.

"i do." you're not sure what compels you to say it, but whatever you had found had been sufficient, you figure. you can see the subtle shadow that falls over hyojung's face before it flies away, knocking her elbow with jake's quickly.

your eyes shift to jake, who's looking you with a certain look in his eyes. a look so familiar from years of looking in the mirror with the same exact look.

a look of yearning. a look of wanting. a look of loving.

your eyes widen and you feel as though someone has dumped a bucket of ice water down your spine as you realize what you should have realized much sooner: jake was in love with you.

jake was in love with his best friend's wife.

+++

the rest of the wedding barely matters, as you move along the wedding routine through sheer muscle memory. jay senses that you're off during the couple's dance when you accidentally press too much weight on your left foot, nearly causing you to topple over as the two of you spin around the ballroom floor.

his eyes trace the your line of sight, landing finally on his best friend. he locks eyes with you and the moment he does, he understands that you knew what only a select few knew and his mind flashes back to the day of his bachelor's party.

there had been something wrong about jake that jay couldn't quite place. it seemed as though he was walking around with a dark cloud residing permanently over his head, as his usually chipper and bright best friend was moving around jay's apartment sluggishly, providing faux smiles and answers of happiness whenever jay pressed.

sunghoon seemed to be in on whatever jake was going through, if the sympathetic pat on the back meant anything. it takes a couple of bottles of soju for either of them to get in the risky mindset to even address it, however.

"so are we going to talk about the fact that you've been depressed this whole time, or not really. because sunghoon seems to be in the loop and i have no idea what's going on," jay says, lifting the bottle of soju to his lips. "and besides, aren't i supposed be the depressed? we're having a bachelor's party for me getting into a marriage i don't even want to be in."

that seems to be what does it as jake slams the bottle of alcohol in hand swiftly in an uncharacteristic expression of frustration, the glass bottle shattering across the marble floors. jay looks at him in shock, more worried about what had made his easygoing best friend this angry than the process of trying to mop the liquid on the floor.

"jake, don't do this," sunghoon says, more seriously than he has ever been in his entire life. "you're drunk. you don't know what you're doing."

jake shrugs off sunghoon's hand from his shoulder, turning to jay with anger practically oozing out of his very being.

"a marriage you don't want to be in? you don't want to be in? how long are you going to keep getting getting fucking hung up over kelly? she's gone! don't you think that if she really cared, she would've done something to meet you after an entire year? she's fucking pregnant, jay," jake shouts, shaking with rage. he stands up, pacing around the room as he sends jay into shock once more.

"you have got everything you could ever fucking want and you're still thinking about a woman who probably doesn't care nearly as much as you do. she's eight months pregnant, jay. she got over you in four months. and you're still thinking about her!"

"y/n loves you. do you understand how lucky you are? that a girl of that caliber even bothers looking in your direction, much less loving you to the ends of the earth? she lets you back into her life even after you keep fucking up. every single fucking time. she loves you so much that she has changed herself to become exactly the type of woman you would like. she has done everything she possibly can to get you to love her. what is your fucking problem?"

this proves to be the wrong thing to say, sending jay to leap onto his feet, pressing his finger against jake's chest.

"what is your problem, jake? why do you keep speaking in her defense? you think i don't fucking know what to do with my fiancé? what is your deal, man?" jay says, fisting jake's collar. sunghoon stands cautiously next to them, ready to break them apart at any given point if he saw that the verbal fight were to escalate to a physical one.

"my problem is that i am in love with your fiancé that you keep fucking mistreating! you know how much it hurts to see the person you love keep getting hurt because your boy can't seem to keep his head on straight?" jay's grip on jake's shirt grows weak as jay steps back in shock, trying to keep the thoughts swirling in his head from coming out of his mouth.

kelly's pregnant? pregnant has been pregnant for eight months? jake loves y/n? kelly doesn't love him anymore? jake loves jay's fiancé? kelly moved on from jay?

jay collapses on the sofa as jake storms out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him. sunghoon follows jake out of the apartment, patting jay on the shoulder quickly, leaving jay to his muddled mind filled with confusion and shock.

and now, as he watches your eyes drift to jake's every so often, jay is not sure why, but his heart burns a little bit.

+++

the wedding is a success, your mother tells you later on. you're not aware of what that even means, but you nod politely as she prattles on and on next to jay's mother, your mother-in-law, about the house that you and jay were to move into as soon as it was finished being decorated to the liking of your mother-in-law.

it has been three days since the wedding and you haven't spoken to jay, jake, or even hyojung, much to preoccupied with your own thoughts and trying to convince your parents that returning to college to finish your degree was an intelligent business move.

you've been sifting through all of your feelings and emotions, trying to decide what to do now that you were finally presented with all of the pieces of information necessary to make an educated decision.

a decision that you're too afraid to name, although you know that every single one of the three people involved in this messy situation knows what that decision is: who do you choose?

do you choose the man you've been in love with for over half of your entire life who's in love with another woman? or do you choose the man that's in love with you but you hardly know?

you're not sure there is a correct answer to this dilemma, you figure after three days of contemplation. there was no correct answer but there was a right answer.

and you already knew what it was. so you take a deep breath, and raise your fist to knock on jake's door.

+++

jake already knows what you're going to say the moment he opens his apartment door in shock of seeing you at the entrance.

"can i come inside?" you say meekly, your foot toeing the line of the doorway, never once raising your head to look him in the eye. jake wipes his sweaty palms on his pants quickly, ushering you inside. he wants to say no, in hopes that if you never enter his home, you never enter his heart, therefore forever postponing the inevitable heartbreak he was going to suffer.

"oh hey y/n," sunghoon says, standing up from his position on the couch with a startled look on his face. "i didn't know you were coming over."

you merely offer a feeble smile, turning to jake, instead.

"jake, can we talk?"

no, no, no.

"it's about...love."

no, no, no.

"if there's one thing i can relate to you in, it's the fact that i know what unconditional love feels like."

no, no, no.

"but i'm really sorry, i'm afraid i can't return your feelings."

no.

the room is deadly silent, save for the whirring rotors of the air conditioning unit which took pity on jake's heart beating out of his chest and concealed it with silent prayers of hope.

sunghoon is first to break the silence, clearing his throat awkwardly.

"y/n, you're aware that jay is a dick, right? i don't want to choose between my friends, and please don't make me, but jake loves you. jay...jay needs time and space to get over kelly and to be honest, i genuinely don't know if he ever will get over her," sunghoon says, stepping towards you to give you a platonic hug. "i just hate seeing people who deserve the world get hurt like this."

you laugh bitterly, a sound jarring coming from lips which usually spoke of nothing but happiness and soothing thoughts.

"i appreciate it, sunghoon, but if you're trying to save any one from heartbreak, i'm afraid you're a little too late for that."

and with that, you're gone, from jake's apartment and his grasp.

+++

you finally speak to hyojung after a week of radio silence on both ends, with hyojung fully understanding that you needed space and time to figure out how to deal with all of the messy feelings in your head and in your heart.

you show up at her door, messy bun and pressed juice and all, and she immediately envelopes you in a big hug, refusing to let go all morning until she had to go to class, pouting as she left (you chased her out of the apartment until she went to class).

she never judged you once as you recounted every single thought that had went through your mind as you made the decision you had. surprisingly, for three days of agonizing contemplation, there weren't really too many thoughts which had influenced your decision, as you come to discover.

there was just one that kept bouncing back and forth inside of your head: you loved jay. and there was no way you could ever give him up.

"and that's what's happened so far," you say, recounting your entire story. hyojung is silent for a moment before she gets up abruptly, opening her mini-fridge to switch out her bottle of pressed juice for a nice, tall white claw instead, popping it open and taking a long swig of it. you stare at her, somewhat amused by the childish (or extremely mature) antics of your best friend as you lock eyes with her. the two of you stare at each other, you huddled up in a swath of blankets, and her awkwardly holding her seltzer as you pause for a solid thirty seconds, bursting out into a fit of laughter.

"sorry, i just felt as though this situation was too hardcore for kale smoothies," hyojung says, after she finally calms down. you raise an eyebrow, attempting to gesture towards the drink in her hands, but failing to do so as your arms were trapped inside your blanket burrito.

"and you decided that a white claw is so much more hardcore. wow, yeah, you really showed 'em, didn't you, jung-ie," you say, unable to keep the giggles out of your voice. hyojung watches you as you laugh with a fond smile, leaning forward to press a kiss onto your cheek.

"i love seeing you happy, y/n. and in all seriousness, if you think that you're going to be happy with the man that you love, then i say that you have my full support," she says, huddling closer to you. you knock your head against hers, smiling when she protests in mock anger about how you were going to give her a concussion.

"thanks jung-ie. no matter what happens, it's always going to be you and i, right?"

"always."

+++

your home is finally finished with construction a little under than three weeks after you had consulted with hyojung, bringing making you and jay a married couple for almost exactly one month. which was a considerably long amount of time to have a total of zero conversations with your new husband, with majority of your time either being spent at college (you were taking online classes, the only compromise your parents had agreed to) or learning about how to be the perfect wife (although that's literally what you had been raised to be since the age of nine) for jay, the lessons being delivered to you by your dear old mother-in-law.

but although you had only been married for a month, the first conversation that you have with jay in your new shared home on the first day of living together is awfully domestic.

"do you like chinese food y/n?" jay asks, popping his head into your shared bedroom. you're folding the clothes to put away into the closet, your parents having (thankfully) realized that a young, college going couple might not want hired help to just hang around their home.

"are you cooking?" you ask, immediately wishing that you could stuff the words back into your mouth. to cook for someone was such an intimate act; who were you to him to even expect him to cook for you?

jay must notice the look on your face because he hurries into the room, nodding frantically.

"yes, yes, i am cooking," he says, kneeling so that you were eye level with him. "or at least, i'd love to cook, if you want me to. i'd appreciate if we could cook together though?"

it takes you a moment to process what he says, nearly toppling over the stack of laundry next to you as it finally registers in your head.

"you want to...cook together?" jay nods with shining eyes, shyly smiling as he looks at you with the softest gaze.

"y/n, i know there's so much that i have to apologize for. so much that i have to make up to you. but i promise that i'm going to always try to keep you happy. y/n, you chose me. and you don't understand how thankful i am for that. so i want to make a promise to you: i will do everything in my power to keep you happy all the time." jay pauses to scoot a little closer to you so that you could see the sincerity and the genuine apology in his eyes.

"i am so incredibly sorry for all the pain i've put you through, y/n. i can't guarantee that i'll get over kelly quickly. but you decided to take a chance on us," jay says, coming impossibly closer. "and i want to take a chance on us too."

+++

jay keeps his promise, as you come to find within the next couple of months. he does everything in his power to keep you happy. he comes directly home after classes to surprise you with flowers or to take you out on a date. he makes sure to ask you about your day and puts in the effort to learn about your interests and disinterests, the ups and downs of your day, and the people who matter the most in your life.

it wasn't easy. at the beginning, you would catch him looking at old pictures of him and kelly together, opening up the locked third drawer from the top, only to reminiscence on all of the memories that various objects he had accumulated throughout the duration of their relationships. it was difficult to trust in jay to keep his promise, especially when such incidents happened. there would be times when you would run to hyojung's apartment just for the sake of putting some distance between you and jay in the event that you caught him.

but eventually, you noticed that many of the pictures of him and kelly were disappearing from his phone and that the third drawer was now unlocked and empty. jay spends less and less time pensively staring into space and begins to open up much more, starting with things such as telling you about his day and slowly building up to telling you about things such as his childhood or expanding on the relationship between him and his parents.

of course, there were ups and downs in your relationship, with occasional fights breaking out when jay was stressed over the looming destiny of having to take over his father's business or when you felt as though he was ignoring you. but at the end of the day, the two of you would always find each other and ensure that you went to bed with a mutual understanding of each other.

at some point, jay and jake had made up, although they weren't nearly as close to each other as they were in the past. you really only saw jake occasionally when him and sunghoon would come over, but he wouldn't even look your way or act very politely with you -something you were appreciative of, given the history between the two of you. with the boys' friendship having been mended, even if it was still a little bit awkward from time to time, and you and hyojung going as strong as ever, the only relationship still in progress was yours and jay's.

over the course of a year, the two of you were able to morph from estranged fiancés to an understanding couple. although, even as the two of you grew as a married couple, you weren't quite sure where you stood romantically.

lately, especially when the two of you were cooking together, you'd catch your husband's gaze lingering on you as you moved around the kitchen, grabbing the utensils you need. other time, whenever you would speak animatedly about your day, you would catch jay's eyes slipping down to your lips before flitting back upwards.

it certainly didn't help that both of your parents were starting to press for a grandchild, with jay's father jovially mentioning here and there that jay was his heir and now jay needed an heir himself. quite frankly, it was crude humor that brought a terrible hotness to your cheeks, but your mother would just agree with him, laughing alongside him.

the tension was mounting, with you and jay accidentally finding yourselves pressed against each other while you were doing something, and holding hands more often as you watched television or walked in the park behind the house.

in fact, it was on one of these walks when jay suddenly turns to you, freshly dyed blonde hair shifting across his forehead from the movement, stopping dead in his tracks. you look at him questioningly, stopping as well due to the conjoining of your hands.

"i want to kiss you," jay blurts out. your heart stops for a moment, as your eyes bug out of your head.

"excuse me?" jay sighs, leveraging your hand that was tightly clasped in his to pull you into his chest.

"i said, i want to kiss you," he says bluntly, raising his eyebrows cheekily. "don't you want to kiss me too?"

your mouth opens and closes like a fish, unsure what to say in response to your husband's forward remarks. of course you wanted to kiss him! what kind of trick question was that? but it was unbecoming of a lady to - oh!

before you can overthink too much, there's a pair of soft lips on yours, pulling away as quickly as they had landed as jay looks for your reaction, eyes filled with blatant worry that you would be upset with him. and oh, your heart pangs when you see the the vulnerability in his eyes, wanting nothing more than to kiss him senseless right here, in the middle of the park like a horny teenager.

but eventually, your common sense wins out and you drag jay towards the home, not uttering a word until the jay finally shuts the door behind him, turning around to face his inevitable punishment when you push him up against the door that he had just closed, pressing your lips to his firmly.

jay is motionless, still in shock, for a split-second before he realizes what is happening and kisses you back with all the fervor of a parched man, wrapping his arms around your waist to keep you as close to him as possible. he kisses you for what feels like eternity, yet not long enough, before your lungs as screaming for reprieve and you pull away, burying your face into his chest as you are suddenly hit with the epiphany of what you had just done, with your husband laughing breathlessly into your hair.

"was that your first kiss?" he whispers, guiding the both of you further into your home. you nod shyly, and jay's grip grows tighter before it relaxes, pulling away to look at you.

jay's hands cup your face, pressing kisses to every single part of it available, smiling as he does so.

"i love you so much, y/n l/n," jay says in between kisses. "i mean it. i love you so goddamn much."

your heart feels much too full as you recall everything that has lead up to this moment, so incredibly happy that you chose him. so incredibly happy that you would choose him every single time.

"i love you too, jay."

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