heybabeitsjanefromthepharmacy

[heybabeitsjanefromthepharmacy]

At some point I decided to seek help

When I noticed that the things I enjoyed became less and less about happiness

And more and more about filling the void

Just today I received my recognition like a medal of honour

And I’ll use that slip of paper in a doctors office that may as well say ‘it’s true- you’re in pain’

As if I didn’t already know and as if it even changes anything

I am at home now

Falling into patterns newly with labels

Remembering yesterday when I wanted to die

And knowing that it’ll happen again

But this time, someone will have seen it coming

[heybabeitsjanefromthepharmacy]

And the world crumbles like stardust in my fingers

And I don’t even know what stardust feels like. And I don’t even know what this metaphor is supposed to mean other than the fact that the world seems gone and i have lost all control of that

[heybabeitsjanefromthepharmacy]

Someday in the future. Right now will be a foreign memory. Something I almost won’t believe was real

Of course I’ll know it’s real. Because even without the pain and despair coursing through my body like blood and bullet holes, I can still feel it. The cold air which makes this discussion taboo. I can still picture myself sitting on the phone crying inconsolably

The person on the other side was unwillingly my lifeline. My body ached. It was ravaged by what I thought was forever. And right now I know exactly how it could’ve gone.

In that moment recovery was nothing. Recovery was impossible. Recovery was a false narrative by happy people who never felt like I do. And when you feel like I do, it doesn’t ever hint at stopping.

So I sat there, talking. Crying. My limbs numb but my heart in riveting pain because I did not believe in recovery. I whole-heartedly felt like the world would end for me and I whole-heartedly stopped picturing myself any older than I was. And there isn’t a lot of reasons for me to keep living if that’s the world I see myself in. So I didn’t know why I was still living.

In the future, I will see this time and maybe I will talk about it freely with strangers. How I worked through it and made it out alive. To be honest I don’t know how to make it out alive. I don’t think anyone ever does. When I say alive I don’t mean breathing. I mean, grin face not numb happy fearless miracle.

I revel the day I don’t block out people who get too close and trust strangers to see me as a person worthy of life and I revel the day that everything doesn’t hurt even when it’s tolerable.

But none of that matters because I see a future. I see that day coming or not coming but I see it. And I am in it and I am alive

#mentalhealth #suicide #story #life #love

[heybabeitsjanefromthepharmacy]

Content Warning: Blasphemy (this is the title not my consideration)

God isn’t real

The world has told me, taught me, that God is real but God ISNT real

I thought this before but I know this now

Because no God could truly exist to demolish me and build up my perpetrators

Now I know that god being real doesn’t make him a slave to my happiness

So for a long long time I sat with the fact that bad things could happen to me and it wouldn’t be gods fault.

Then at some point, you ought to learn as I have learned, that the world isn’t magic and isn’t guided by a man who’s all knowing and all powerful

The world exists on coincidences

Nothing can not be explained by them

And sometimes coincidences feel a little too personal to be just that. But they are just that

Sometimes terrible people win the lotto

Sometimes good people die horrible deaths

Sometimes innocent lives are never avenged

And sometimes those who create victims, live with pride in themselves because the world is a coincidence and no god is saying anything about it

Trust no one and nothing but yourself. And even then, be wary

#writing #poetry #religion

[heybabeitsjanefromthepharmacy]

*content warning* suicide, depression

What i told the the doctor, the second time

It’s 3am in the morning and the taste on my tongue is familiar

Not nostalgically. It makes a shiver fall down my spine I’ve made a mistake.

It’s 3am in the morning and it’s not the first time

In front of me, sadness is different but it’s there again

It’s there, and my way to help has changed. It’s more out of reach but much much closer

My tears are mournful of my skin and my mouth

I go to sleep again knowing I’ll wake up with big problems

I will not call again. I am independent. I am a person who does stupid things and I am undeserving. I walked myself to the hospital so that I didn’t experience being a cripple in a wheelchair again. I did become a cripple in a wheelchair again.

This time it was different and worse. This time the counsellor who saw me had a hard time believing the words I spit out and this time I had a harder time putting on the act.

But without proof all they can do is call and all I can do is ignore them.

I trick myself into deciding it’s because I’m better. Instead of realising that it’s because I’m worse

#poet #poetry #suicide #depression #hospital #mentalhealth

[heybabeitsjanefromthepharmacy]

A week ago I didn’t know you. Today I am lying in your arms at 2am listening to the distant sounds of happiness and silently confessing our love. How did I get here? Did I fall too quickly because I was sure you knew how to catch me? Was it just so easy to trust the first person who ever wanted me again and again?

I am next to you, staring at the ceiling of a bachelor pad that no other girl has ever ventured into. I don’t actually know that. I don’t actually know anything. We are together now because your words have easy ways of twisting into my naivety. I wonder how many times you’ve done this before. Your image is an act and I am captivated by the first scene. But how long will this play last?

It’s 2am the next morning and I said nothing of my trickling words when you called me yesterday. Instead I let you sleep alone and didn’t do the same. For me, you are right next to me in my bed the same I was in yours. And I have no idea what you are thinking. I have no idea if I just want spontaneity or if I actually want this.

But here I am. Wishing I could tell you how I feel in the hopes you might feel the same. Bending myself into a rom-com leading lady because that’s all I ever prepared for. A week ago I had no idea this is where I’d be. Here we are.

#writing #poetry #poets on tumblr #relationships #love #lust

[heybabeitsjanefromthepharmacy]

He is something new. Not just a new person in my life but someone with a new way of seeing me. He doesn’t see me as everyone else does. He wants me just for who I am.

And it sounds like a fairytale and I would be coaxed into believing it but I’m not stupid. Early on red flags are dull but they are still there. I know what he wants. I know that it’s easy for me to fall into the trap and come out years later with a shattered soul. Yet I’m tempted. Not because I think it’ll be any different to how I imagine. Because this is my elaborate plan to hurt myself.

I hate cheesy lines from movies but I really do believe

We accept the love we think we deserve

#writing #poetry #relationships #selfharm #depression

[heybabeitsjanefromthepharmacy]

Is this all I’m ever going to do?

[heybabeitsjanefromthepharmacy]

*Trigger warning- depression and suicide

Brown Paper Bag

When my life had gone downhill too fast I blacked out. I blacked out and woke up swallowing too many pills. I got sent to the hospital. There, I was stripped of myself as if the external parts of me were being sent away for repairs.

They put my clothes and my keys in a brown paper bag. I know why they do it. But to be left in a hospital gown, with no identity but a wrist band and your memory. You get sick. I had nothing to flush away my depression but hospital lights and beeping sounds. Sporadic doctors passing by and not looking twice. So I sit and mellow in those feelings. Like lukewarm water in a miserable bathtub. I wonder- how far the exit is and if I could ever make it if I timed the run correctly. Then I keel over and puke our what was left of the day before.

They send me home. After blood tests and books tell them I am no longer a threat to myself. I walk because I don’t own a car. I leave via the exit I would have planned for myself eventually. And when I get home, I clean up my own medication. Wipe away the sorrows I had left. Sleep in the same bed that gave me heartache.

And two months later, I would do it again.

#triggerwarning #writing #depression #suicide #hospital #poem #sadness #mentalhealth #suicidal #ambulance #alcohol

[heybabeitsjanefromthepharmacy]

Tips From Experience in University/Highschool

When you’re in a class or a lecture, don’t write down (just) what’s on the PowerPoint. Instead, listen to your teacher and write down their explanations. Think about the ideas and write down where you agree, disagree or have a thought of your own. Especially in the moment, being able to translate/articulate into your own words what the teacher is talking about is invaluable. If need be, you can always go back and study the PowerPoint

Never plan to study or watch lectures on the weekend. You won’t. Don’t plan to study in the hour before you go out, you definitely won’t. Don’t fill in the cracks with study but when you do plan to study and have actual space to do it, go hard out

Set goals for a time period or day when you’re studying. But practice this as a trial and error method and make your goals reasonable. If you have two hours of study time then aim for two 2 hour lectures, or put in assignment work for 1-2 classes. A consistent rule of thumb is an hour or half an hour block for class work. Leave the session with some tangible accomplishments

TO DO LISTS!! Write them everyday, write a big one for everything academic and non-academic or split them up. Work around when you have to go somewhere that’s not class and consider travel in between generously (with reference to tip 2- don’t bother scheduling work in your travel time because it won’t happen)

Get diaries, notebooks and folders. Make your notes and your work easy to follow and easy to track. Even if you use your laptop for mostly everything, there is always going to be things to write down on paper and you’ll want to keep it close

Put your phone away. It’s always a struggle and it’s gonna be hard and sometimes you miss calls and texts you wish you didn’t. Turn your phone on silent, put it in a different room and no matter how many times the urge to get up and grab it occurs, stay in your seat until you’ve pushed through the allotted work

Split up your stuffy with breaks. Breaks aren’t just sitting on your phone. I’m saying you should do something good for your wellbeing. Do something that pulls your head away from class. For example- go for a walk/go outside, get something to eat (and eat away from your study place), read a non-educational book, do some yoga, watch YouTube videos, call your mum, talk to your friends. But remember, keep the thing you’re doing minimal. You don’t want to spend six hours doing it you only need about 20-30 minutes

Find the source of your procrastination and stomp it out. If you have so much work to do it’s overwhelming you, break it up into bite-size chunks. Then put away everything except the first chunk and just look at that. If you can’t decide what to do because it’s all equally important (or equally boring/difficult) use an online wheel spinner. If you can’t bring yourself to stop the activity you’re doing now, set a time to get up and get up. Procrastination happens to the best of us but self-control is how we overcome it

Keep sleep consistent and never pull an all-nighter. All-nighters suck and you don’t want that. Between you and me, it’s better to hand in the assignment late than to screw over your sleep and submit something half-assed. Especially in high school, that Year 10 assessment is not the end of the world

Keep your room clean and make your bed. I don’t know why this helps, I didn’t even start doing it until I left home, and my parents always hated me for it. This one is about mindset. Your health and wellbeing come before any test ever, i swear once you learn this truly you’ll never look back

#school #Highschool #University #college #tips #collegetips #writing #studying #study #work #academic #academia #tipsforschool #books and libraries

[heybabeitsjanefromthepharmacy]

I lost my grounds a bit when it came to my poetry

I wasn’t sure where to land my thoughts

Reading and reading, I reminded myself to find a central metaphor in a story you want to tell

As a poet I make beauty out of things that have little aesthetic value

The world has few things which cannot become written wonders with the right pen and paper

So I fantasise about doing that

Even just once

I fantasise about looking at a person or a place, witnessing a tragedy or an otherwise boring event

And turning it into something beautiful

Taking note of how two strangers cosmically alike, pass each other on the street without a second glance

Soulmates locking eyes in a coffee shop and spending the rest of their lives gleaming over the perfect stranger

I write about such things wondering if they were always there for me to write about or if I truly did create something with my words

The world is a poem that’s already been written

You don’t write to establish those truths

You write to discover them

#aesthetic #writing #poetry #fiction #poets on tumblr #story #quote #love story #philosophy

[heybabeitsjanefromthepharmacy]

I call myself a poet and I don’t know if that’s true

For I could never write a poem more beautiful than you

#poet #writing #poetry #aesthetic #poets on tumblr #quote #love

[heybabeitsjanefromthepharmacy]

Let the world fuck me over a million times before I realise I’m actually just fucking over myself

[heybabeitsjanefromthepharmacy]

I’m trying. I’m really trying. I have kept my room clean all week, and done my laundry on time, and made sure that all the dishes I bring in to eat in solitary are returned to the kitchen. I keep up to date with friends and family and complete school work as much as I can.

But I haven’t broken habits long enough. Whenever my mood is below par for just a day or two I fall desperately behind. I make my bed in order to trick my mind into thinking that depression was just a side effect of disorganisation. I write to do lists that never end, and I wholeheartedly think I may never finish everything on them.

An optimist might say that good wellbeing means always having something to do. But depression isn’t optimistic, and happiness is a luxury I cannot always afford. This week has been a blessing but how long will it last before I lose my motivation again and give up everything I’ve desperately worked for?

These demons are creeping up on me and I can see my future. How do I live with this never ending cycle

#depression #writing #poetry #study #poets on tumblr #student #academic #lifestyle #mentalhealth #wellbeing #life #todo list

[heybabeitsjanefromthepharmacy]

So the world becomes a hopeless out of reach thing again. I tried to leave and got pushed back in. There isn’t enough call centres in the world to account for every second I spend lonely and desperate and sad and sitting on hold. I think about every time someone hangs up and spends the following night or day in a hospital bed because it’s the next best phone they could ring.

No one wants me to leave and I don’t want to leave but no one wants to put the work in either. Makes me feel like a burden when the eyes keep wandering and the mouths stop questioning my okayness. Makes me realise that it’s easy to lie but harder to carry afterwards. These things which I hold onto are like stones and the weight is immensely pressuring.

Until the world becomes a hopeless out of reach thing again and I get pushed back in.

#poetry #writing #depression #suicide #happiness #relationships #friends #hotline #emergency #hospital #mental health #illness #poet #young poet #depressedpoets

[heybabeitsjanefromthepharmacy]

I’m fine when you check up on me but I know that when you stop I won’t be fine anymore.

[heybabeitsjanefromthepharmacy]

“Out of the frying pan into the fire! What is marriage but prostitution to one man instead of many? No different!”

— Angela Carter, Nights at the Circus