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holland-ish · 5 months

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check me out over here if you wish!! this is my errr first piece of writing in a long time but there's much more in the pipeline :)) all sorts of writing & all on my new blog! @desireangel

Misguided | Coriolanus Snow

Summary: sometimes, Coriolanus gets lost in the thought of what may have been had he made different decisions. The thought of his life being so different had any detail of his experiences changed is a harrowing one and he wonders whether the choices he has made had been misguided. But here you are, always ready to remind him that every decision has been a perfect one if it has meant that he can have you.

Word count: 1,186

Warnings: slight reference to sex maybe possibly (you may fr need a magnifying glass to spot it ??), super super introspective moment right here. lots of thinking thoughts. if I've missed anything pls lmk and I can fix this up real quick for the future!

Author's note: this is me making a comeback to writing on here with a clean slate blog. forgive me for this brain dump word dump thing that my fingers have birthed. Hope you guys enjoy, feedback is always welcome and I hope this somewhat makes sense :D it is also not properly edited oops and my first time writing narrative again in about two years ? :D

Sometimes Coriolanus let his mind wander to all that could have been and all that could be had he only made his decisions differently. He seldom felt regret - never felt as if he would change the things that have led him to the path of greatness he was on. But what if’s and the memory of failures are as stubborn as a newborn plague and Coriolanus was just as vulnerable to illness as those whom he revered and those whom he detested.

It was warm under the light of the setting sun, a kiss on his skin as Coriolanus rested against the balcony railing and watched over the city he longed to have for himself. If things had been different, at any time and any place, where would he be now?

The thought of living his life in the districts sickened him but it lingered at the back of his mind. Had certain moments taken a different turn, would he still be in District 12 laying on the warm grass with Lucy Gray? Coriolanus swallowed at the thought. Lucy Gray and District 12 were forever conjoined in his mind, forever one.

A memory of District 12 was a memory of Lucy Gray and the thought of Lucy Gray was the thought of District 12. And Coriolanus would never be at peace with the feelings that the notion flared inside of him.

Feelings of failure, feelings of defeat, feelings of fear and feelings of humiliation.

Coriolanus understood more about that time in his life; a time that felt so much like a dream that sometimes he found himself questioning whether it had ever been a reality. Maybe he was not in love with Lucy Gray - maybe he was in love with the idea of what she symbolised for him. No, not maybe. Corialanus was sure of it now that he had experienced the truth of love.

Back then, loving Lucy Gray meant having Lucy Gray. Having Lucy Gray meant controlling Lucy Gray. And because she and her District were one and the same as far as Coriolanus was concerned, controlling Lucy Gray meant controlling District 12.

Even after meeting you, and understanding that loving you meant different things - things he wasn’t familiar with, things he wasn’t sure he was capable of becoming familiar with - the lingering thought of what if was all consuming.

Coriolanus could hear you coming seconds before you were by his side. He was thankful you stood by his side, silently and wordlessly as your eyes dragged across his face, analysing what you could of his thoughts from his perfectly emotionless expression. Moments like this, where Coriolanus got lost in his memories grew fewer after the first six months after his return had passed.

But here you both were, two years down the line, silently in each other’s company. Coriolanus was a passionate lover. But he was a cold and imperfect partner. And some of the times where he retreated into himself, although he had rarely lost control of himself in your presence, left him frustrated at your presence.

Because to Coriolanus, you were perfect. Frustrating at times but that was often the fault of his own lack of patience. You were, at the end of the day, too perfect. He saw your compassion, your empathy, your kindness. And he saw your strength, your wit, your fearsome loyalty.

And here he was, unable to even regret the times he acted without all of those perfect things.

You let your fingers graze along the sleeve of his blazer, your light touch burning into his skin through the fabric. He closed his eyes and kept them closed for minutes of silence that felt like hours to you.

Coriolanus’ voice was as hard as ever. “I’ve done bad things.”

“I know,” you breathed out. “Would you be here today if you hadn’t done those things?”

“No, you don’t know. You don’t understand. I don’t care that I’ve done those things. I should care, right?”

Releasing a long sigh, you shifted on your feet. Coriolanus knew that you were different to him. You didn’t agree with what he had done but you knew there was nothing you could do except to be there when he needed you. It had taken time to realise you couldn’t change the way he thought, the way he felt - you weren’t sure if you truly, deeply wanted to.

As Coriolanus grew more honest with you, you had come to realise that when it came down to it he was not a good man. But he was good to you and while Coriolanus saw your strength, you knew you were weak when it came to him. Loyalty and love for him burned painfully in your chest no matter his imperfections and you never bothered to try to justify it.

“Maybe if I chose differently, somewhere,” Coriolanus’ words were rushed. He would curse himself tomorrow for his moment of weakness but he couldn’t ignore the pit in his stomach. “Then I wouldn’t be like this.”

You stared at him for a moment. His expression was of ice and had you not known him the way that you do, then you would never have noticed the confliction in his eyes. “There’s no point-”

“I know there’s no point in thinking about what if’s, I know.” Coriolanus spat.

“Okay,” you paused. “But you will never know what could have changed. You made your decisions, you were the author of your own fate, Coriolanus. That’s the way things go - we have to face it. What difference would it make if things could have been different? You can’t undo what you’ve done now.”

Coriolanus’ jaw ticked and he moved so that his arm hung at your waist. You briefly glanced back inside at the Avox who prepared your nightly cup of tea at your bedside. Coriolanus seldom made a show of your relationship when you weren’t entirely alone. Nevertheless, you didn’t let your mind linger on that fact.

He gazed down at you, his ocean-strong eyes never failing to make your breath hitch and goosebumps to rise on your skin. You were relieved that he seemed to agree with your words. Coriolanus’ shoulders had lost much of the tension they held and the sweet smile that was shared only with you played on his lips.

He had to try hard to believe what you had told him. Because here you were, no matter what he did and no matter his lack of conviction, at his side and wrapped around his finger. Coriolanus was not an emotional man but he knew that he had love for you and your endless, boundless support to share with you the world that will one day be at his feet.

“I’ll share your bed tonight, missy. And that’ll serve as all the reminder I need to know that none of my decisions were misguided.” Coriolanus’ words were as always they always have been; smooth with honey but laced with venomous promises. You bit back a smile as he pulled you inside, addicted to whatever venom dripped from his words, from his eyes, from him.

#shameless self promo #like really shameless #this is my adhd problem like the fourth blog i've restarted #trust me I KNOW it's annoying but gotta do what I gotta do #love you guys <3

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holland-ish · 5 months

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y'all unless I do a total switch up on this bitch and flip this blog ? idk what I'm doing lmao

hey y'all! it's been a while (no short of a few years :0) but i'm just popping in here to drop a reminder that I'm no longer writing on this blog (i'm so sorry, I opened my inbox for the first time in like a million years and realised I've left so many people hanging who don't realise I'm no longer active) just because it's not where I'm at atm <3

But, I'll always leave everything here as is because I have a lot of love for all the memories I've made and experience that I'd gained from all of you! I've had a crazyyyy time since I've been gone with so many new commitments - new jobs, new passions, dance, hardcore studying and hopefully soon I'll be a lawyer etc etc etc....

But yes! I love you all very much and just wanted to pop back on here to say a little something because this blog is still occupying much space in my heart. If anyone's interested then I may possibly drop my new blog (which is undecided whether I would return to writing as time is a scarce commodity in my life at the moment but trust me I have been feeling the pull of my literary side lately) which will honestly just be all of my passions and hyperfixations in one place.

much love and kindness and my apologies to all of you who have been in my inbox asking for updates on my unfinished series (fr I am SO sorry to leave it all hanging) <<333

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holland-ish · 5 months

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hey y'all! it's been a while (no short of a few years :0) but i'm just popping in here to drop a reminder that I'm no longer writing on this blog (i'm so sorry, I opened my inbox for the first time in like a million years and realised I've left so many people hanging who don't realise I'm no longer active) just because it's not where I'm at atm <3

But, I'll always leave everything here as is because I have a lot of love for all the memories I've made and experience that I'd gained from all of you! I've had a crazyyyy time since I've been gone with so many new commitments - new jobs, new passions, dance, hardcore studying and hopefully soon I'll be a lawyer etc etc etc....

But yes! I love you all very much and just wanted to pop back on here to say a little something because this blog is still occupying much space in my heart. If anyone's interested then I may possibly drop my new blog (which is undecided whether I would return to writing as time is a scarce commodity in my life at the moment but trust me I have been feeling the pull of my literary side lately) which will honestly just be all of my passions and hyperfixations in one place.

much love and kindness and my apologies to all of you who have been in my inbox asking for updates on my unfinished series (fr I am SO sorry to leave it all hanging) <<333

#update lmao ??#fr it's been such a long time

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holland-ish · 3 years

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Alrighty... it’s been a while! In that time, many good things have come about and happened for me which is beside my point but something I’ll still mention because it makes me very happy.

The reason I’m back on here is to say that I am most likely to be deleting this blog within the next few days to a week (or maybe so, depending on whether I have the emotional balls to do so). Mostly for reasons that are not deep rooted or emotional and yadda yadda. It’s mainly for reasons that are practical for me, moving on. And, I don’t mean to ruin the mood, but it’s also a way for me to move on from the spat of abuse that I had received in my ask box a while ago. For some reason, that has been difficult for me to come near forgetting. Regardless, it hasn’t had that much of an effect on me as of late. This just helps me take a step further.

I’ve made some incredible memories and some incredible friends from this blog. I’ve also grown creatively and as a creator. These will always, always have a special place in my heart and so will all of the people and followers (all of you are my mates just sayin) that I’ve come across from this blog.

That being said, I’ve made another new blog on which I’m slowly getting back into writing. It’s mainly a Criminal Minds blog and it would be awesome if y’all are interested in checking it out. It’s where I can primarily be interacted with on tumblr. It’s @sunflowerspencer so please, give it a try and check it out! Feel free to flick me a message or something of the like if you want.

Again, thank you all for everything (if you’re still seeing and reading this after such a long time!), I hope to see you again on my other page!

Lots of love,

Hannah xx

P.S, please don’t hold it against me if I chicken out of deleting last minute :))))))

#holland-ish

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holland-ish · 5 years

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So! I don’t really think I’ll be back to this blog for a long long while (probably at all by the looks of things right now) but if you want, y’all can find me on my personal! It’s @peakyhannah and I just post small bits of my original pieces, stuff about my inner film and music enthusiast and random ‘me’ stuff in general. So if anyone wants to follow me there or talk to me there then feel free!

There are currently a tonne of asks in my inbox (which I only just saw today as I haven’t logged onto here for a long time) and my answer to those is that I won’t be updating for a long time if not at all! Unfortunately, I’m just not in the right place and I’ve moved past my previous pieces of writing to do so at the moment. Requests have been closed for a while and will be.

I’ve on multiple occasions contemplated deleting this blog all together but a piece of my heart will always be with it even if I don’t return. And because I don’t want to yank all of my things away from anyone interested in reading my work (if there is anyone still lol) and I personally don’t want to lose the effort that I put into this blog.

Anyways, I love you all and appreciate the heck out of y’all! And I’m incredibly thankful for all of the support I have received from everyone. Lots of love!

#just wanted to answer all the asks with one simple post

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holland-ish · 5 years

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I just wanna say the selection made me actually start reading the real series and I’m currently on book 3! Thank you so much for hooking me onto the series honey❣️

Of course, there’s no need for you to thank me!! ♥️

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holland-ish · 5 years

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So i wrote several months ago about finding the Selection book and i only finally read it like two weeks ago but I binge read the next two books in the series and got the rest of them for Xmas and have you read the whole series? I need to discusss because im in love lmao. Happy Holidays

I have read them!! I’m glad you liked them too!

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holland-ish · 5 years

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