holyterror704

[holyterror704]

amen to that!

The Kiss of the Queer Gorgon in 14x14 Ouroboros

This whole episode is a master-class in queer subtext.

<cracks knuckles> Let’s go!

In 1x08 Bugs it is insinuated (in subtext) that perhaps Dean doesn’t just hustle pool on the road, to get him and Sam by for cash, but that he maybe hustles sex too. He comes out of a pool hall with a wad of cash, to where Sam is waiting patiently in the Impala, and a neon “billiards” sign is illuminated behind him, partially obscured, so that it reads “Billiar…” as in “Bi liar” (bisexual liar).

We also see Dean hustling pool at Donny’s bar in 10x17 Inside Man and part of his hustle involves getting his sex-hair on and giving Donny a wink, again (in subtext) associating the overt pool hustle with a covert sexy-times hustle:

Ouroboros opens with another on-the-road place where MSM (men who have sex with men, but who don’t identify as LGBT) cruise in the liminal spaces of Americana - here, the truck stop.

Noah, the bisexual Gorgon, hustles a trucker, offering sex in exchange for food and a ride: 

Of course, the poor dude has no idea that he is the food, and that Noah’s kiss is poison:

When Dean and Cas first arrive at the scene to investigate, we get this shot:

This frames the mis-en-scene of the earlier queer kiss, juxtaposed against no-personal-space Dean and Cas. Just as Dean announces their aliases, Agents Page and Jones, as in Jimmy Page (for Dean) and John Paul Jones (for Cas) from Led Zeppelin. 

In subtext, hello reference to Dean’s romantic-as-hell “XX” (kiss kiss) Led Zeppelin mix-tape for Cas (12x19 The Future):

Cas also presents his badge upside-down (if you are paying close attention) which recalls Free to Be You and Me (5x03) the episode in which Dean gives Cas his (sublimated) “last night on earth” speech - “There are two things I know for certain - one, Bert and Ernie are gay, and two, you are not gonna to die a virgin.” 

The local cop hands Dean a note which Noah the bisexual Gorgon has written specifically for him (note - not for Sam or Rowena too, although the Gorgon has also seen them in his visions). The note tells Dean to stop hunting the Gorgon or else:

Cas wonders why he’s not in the Gorgon’s vision.

CAS: “But you’re not standing alone. Why doesn’t he mention me?”

DEAN: “Maybe you’re not his type.”

So Dean makes a queer association with the (familiar cruising ground of the) truck-stop and the Gorgon’s note to him.

NB: while Dean and Cas are investigating the crime scene of a queer kiss, Sam and Rowena are at the vets pretending to be a married couple - by mirroring association, we thus have married couple Dean and Cas.

Yockey really knows how to subtext. 

Also note that the Gorgon is textually bisexual (sedution-wise).

VIC: “You’re just preying on helpless men?”

NOAH: “”Helpless men? That’s rich! No, I do eat ladies too, but women have become so cautious lately, must be all that finally waking up from centuries of misogynistic oppression. Good for them.” 

And the Gorgon kisses Castiel (note, not Jack, who is also present). 

The Gorgon wrote the warning (in subtext the targetting “seductive”) note to Dean, and he kissed Castiel - in other words our bisexual Gorgon queer-targets Dean and Cas specifically.

Sure enough, when Dean and Sam arrive at the scene, the Gorgon addresses only Dean, “Hello Dean, wish I could say it was nice to meet you in person.”

The (did I mention, textually bisexual) Gorgon whammies Cas and Dean - both are literally out cold on the floor together - one from the poisoned kiss and one from a head-wound. 

Cas tries his healing touch on an unconscious Dean, back at the bunker:

And immediately, we see AU!Michael once more pounding on the door of the fridge-locker in Dean’s head (in subtext, Castiel’s touch rattles Dean’s mind-closet). 

 Then we have Cas and Jack’s emotional talk (set to romantic sad strings) where Jack mirrors and draws out Castiel’s emotion. 

JACK: “I can’t think about losing him [Dean] or Sam, or you. I hate… I hate thinking about it…” 

CAS: “Yes, so do I…”

In Jack’s mirroring language - Dean comes first (i.e. Dean comes first for Cas).

This is given extra resonance, because we recall the earlier cafe scene where Dean and Cas, briefly alone, spoke, and Dean brought up to Cas once again the “Plan B” of sinking him and AU!Michael to the bottom of the ocean in the Ma’lak box. So we understand, Cas has been thinking about losing Dean, painfully (in subtext, to the frigging eternal closet) a lot. 

CAS: “Humans burn bright, but for a very brief time, compared to, y’know, things like us. And eventually, they’re gone, even the very best ones, and we have to carry on…”

….

JACK: “What’s the point of being a cosmic being, if everyone I care about is just gonna… leave?”

CAS: “The point is, that they were here at all, and you got to know them, you… When they’re gone, it will hurt, but that hurt will remind you of how much you loved them.”

Anyone think <clutches heart> Cas has given himself this talk several times before?

Immediately following Castiel’s speech about love (in very thinly veiled subtext, Castiel’s love specifically for Dean, as Dean is currently the Winchester in immediate jeopardy) Dean wakes up, and the fridge-locker in his mind in which AU!Michael was trapped (and remember AU!Michael has been used as a symbol for Dean’s self-repression all season - see my meta AU!Michael and the Closet (14x10)

http://drsilverfish.tumblr.com/post/182120562849/aumichael-and-the-closet ) 

is bust open:

To conclude: in subtext, the kiss of the queer Gorgon has led to Castiel’s articulation of his love for Dean and the breaking of the closet door in Dean’s mind. 

(NB; that does not mean I think Dean is about to come out of the closet in text). 

[holyterror704]

The love between the shots

[holyterror704]

Take it

I do not want it anymore ...(it was barely a whisper )

"What do you say? "

I said, I don't want this anymore ...

"Be more specific about what..?"

This! I'm so tired to wake up and go back to that darkness, I just can't anymore!!!.

Just take it you want ...

That outburst was not common in the mortal and that stunned me in all my celestial time, no one had made such a request He turned to stare at me, he held his heart in his words and suddenly suppressed a sob .

Clearly my concern grew closer to him.

" You're not talking seriously... "

Damn I do !, which is the life of a criminal for you or for the universe I don't have more than this or do you see something more than the obvious?

What will I do tomorrow more to survive and keep running in this wheel of despair. (lunge)

I chose carefully with my words." What I or others believe of you does not detract from your being even if you are not in the way you want"

"You know very well that I can't have something like that"

! How convenient he said with a dry humor

Just take it!!

take it from me!!

it'll make time anyway why wait I no longer have a way out .

"I reiterate my role here is not.."

Do it! what are you waiting for!

The push was a mere provocation that ignored took him by the hands struggling

"No, listen to me what you ask is not what you need if I am going to take something from you today it is that heavy load that you carry all the time".

In the cold a few meters from a public bathroom , I hug him, I gave him my shoulder to cry all that time and rudeness of life did not let him.

Clinging to me as the only thing that tied him to the earthly plane, pouring out all his pain in that instant with muffled moans I reminded him that I would never take something so precious.

(The criminal and the angel play teh same game)

#txt post #creative writting #criminal #angelic holy demonic #shoplifting

[holyterror704]

Loney christmas

The glow of the television welcomes you, the Christmas specials keep you company while the breeze blows strong outside, you defrost your dinner in the microwave and turn on the colorful lights that adorn your dry tree some sparkling ones. You lay in your armchair, you gave thanks for tonight ... it is the season where the black sheep fears less, children give joy to sinners forgiveness and angels peace.

( or so the gift wrap says )

#holy terror #creative writting #christmas #melancholic

[holyterror704]

dean and cas’ story really ended like that. after hell, heaven, the apocalypse, the numerous betrayals, cas losing his mind, purgatory, cas losing his grace, dean succumbing to the mark of cain, the both of them recovering, cas having jack but dying directly afterwards, the widower arc, dean saying yes to michael, dean being manipulated into trying to kill jack, the purgatory prayer.... it ended like that. despite everything they only got 12 years together

#clown posting #deancas #life is a joke #im dead inside

[holyterror704]

Well actually if there were some references about sam's hobbies like podcasts of interesting topics like Martin Luther, likes for classic movies like "how beautiful it is to live" or classic books like the wizard of oz also if we remember sam if he had an interest genuine in the laws or on the subject of justice, even so, it is true that it does not express the same passion that dean has for his tastes, the reason for this may be that sam is only reserved. Anyway, the truth for the last seasons, the new writers also did not put so much emphasis on sam because he was involved in the supernatural problem of the moment that prevented him from being aware of himself or they just conveniently forgot that sam had a personality. :)

i wish the show gave sam more non-hunting interests. who is sam’s vonnegut? what is his dr sexy? dean nerds out over horror and westerns, what genre of movie does SAM like? what music does he listen to on his own? dean had guitar lessons at some point, but did sam ever learn an instrument, or try to? theres a few nods in the show to this stuff - notably i guess sam’s interest in true crime, though you could argue that’s also tied to hunting - but mostly its dean who makes the (absurd amounts of) pop culture references, dean who chooses the music, dean who gets excited about things besides hunting. it is fun that sam is sort of a blank slate in that sense because i can say that he likes mcr and you cant canonically disagree, but i wouldve loved for sam to be more of an actual person with hobbies or interests, less just a hunter/researcher/generic academic nerd

#spn #i hate this world #txt post

[holyterror704]

[holyterror704]

who wants to punch me in the face until i spit blood

[holyterror704]

Jesse the messiah returned!!!

yEaH Mr wHitE, hE Did iT

happy easter!!!

#easter #lol #im dumb #send help

[holyterror704]

Well, the parallel of cas with jesus had not occurred to me, but seeing it in a similar way that jesus gave forgiveness to the repentant, regardless of whether they were good or bad. By giving Dean something that no one else gave him for all the traumatic things that happened, no one apologized for causing him harm or failing to understand his self-loathing through guilt.

When cas gave him forgiveness he made Dean see that he should not continue to carry his guilt and he only needed to forgive himself because cas gave him proof that he was the most just and loving person than a being so upright and inhuman could be inspired by it.

comparing cas to jesus sucks shit anyway because the concept of “dying for our sins” is so christian and that’s not why cas died. it’s the opposite of why. he didn’t die for dean’s sins because dean loving him and him loving dean isn’t a sin. even if after jeremy carver leaves the show gets handed off to a non-jewish showrunner for the first time, spn was still created by jewish people and at its core it’s not about christianity. stop it. 

#spn fandom #holy.txt #my head hurts sigh #anyway

[holyterror704]

I think the most valuable thing about this show that for some fans went unnoticed was the way of projecting both serious and non-serious family conflicts, mostly intergenerational trauma even with Bobby had his own history of abuse in his past.

In short, if something is a clear sign that something is not going well in the family dynamics, it is when the authority figure is a mother or father, it does not play the role of supplying the needs of their children, but otherwise they make the children meet the needs of the parents and from there love becomes merely a form of emotional manipulation, if something I did not like about the end of the show was that there was no closure between the damage that dean did to jack when he became god unless he made him feel that he deserves love and courage merely for being who he is.

john abused both dean AND sam, just differently. in this essay i will

prove that the abuse manifested in different ways for each of them because that’s how abuse works in real life. this is based on the fact that john saw dean as mary’s surrogate but once he found out about the deal and sam having demon blood he blamed sam for her death. ok let’s fucking go

dean as mary’s surrogate

there are loads of parallels made between dean and mary in early season spn and late season spn. in season 12 dean directly calls himself sam’s mother, but even earlier than that we see him doing the cooking and child rearing. compare that to all the parallels made between sam and john (both of them losing their blonde woman significant others in a ceiling fire) and it’s clear that dean was meant to more resemble mary. it’s not a stretch to say that if we can see it as viewers this is how john saw it in his actual life. i do think john loves dean for being dean but he loves him more for being mary.

sam as the reason behind mary’s death

i think once john learned that sam had demon blood, some part of him must have always been waiting for the other shoe to drop with sam, not ever fully believing this kid was human, and maybe not even knowing if this kid was HIS. a popular theory back in the day was that YED fathered sam (something they had to actually address in season 4 to stop the speculation), and if WE speculated that hard, surely john must have too. i’m sure he loves sam as an extension of mary, and keeps and raises and protects him BECAUSE he’s mary’s, but similarly (or maybe inverse) to dean, i don’t know if he ever fully gave himself permission to love sam for being sam. in fact, i imagine john harbors a lot of self-loathing for failing to save mary. if we directly parallel john and sam, that means by some extent he would also hate sam.

john trusted dean with far too much, and sam with far too little

dean knew about monsters; sam didn’t. dean had memories of their mother and the night she died, and shared that trauma of watching her die with john; sam didn’t. dean knew when john was supposed to be home and who to call if he wasn’t; sam didn’t. dean was given the money and the guns and the CAR ITSELF; sam wasn’t. dean was taught to drive; SAM WASN’T. 

dean was expected to do everything john was supposed to have been doing in his absence - he was to be a mother and father to sam, he was supposed to protect sam from evil, he was supposed to see to sam’s meals and homework and getting to school on time. and he was put under an EXTRAORDINARY amount of pressure not to screw this up even a little bit, despite the fact that he was only a kid. sam on the other hand was kept on a strict need-to-know basis for his entire life, right up until season 1 when they reunite at last. john didn’t trust sam with ANYTHING, and sam knew it. this contributed to his lifelong anger issues because he didn’t DO anything to warrant that kind of mistrust and probably got gaslit about it a lot of times either by john himself or dean (unknowingly, by parroting/believing the things john said). even in the pilot sam says very casually of his mother “she’s gone,” because her memory doesn’t hold the same place of reverence for him - best guess is that john didn’t talk about her much to sam because he didn’t trust sam with emotional stuff either. in s14 we learn that dean was the one who told sam stories about mary, including her terrible casserole - and their attempt at recreating it infuriated john to the point of him throwing the entire concoction in the trash.

john relied on dean for everything, and refused to rely on sam for anything

canonically dean was the one who comforted john after a bad hunt, looked after and fed his brother when john wasn’t around. dean knew how to use a shotgun; sam didn’t. dean knew who to call in an emergency; sam didn’t. dean knew about monsters; sam didn’t. this was done under the guise of “protection for sammy” but turn it around and it’s also protection FROM sammy. think of how angry john gets when he learns sam has been having psychic visions. he’s not just angry that dean didn’t report it to him, he’s angry that the demon’s plans for sam are coming to pass, and that sam is becoming less human. again, he can’t TRUST sam if sam’s not human, and it proves to john that he was right all along to keep sam in the dark as much as possible.

john gave dean too much freedom, and sam no freedom at all

“watch out for sammy.” sam was under constant supervision by either dean or john; john made sure of it. again, it’s protection FOR sam but also protection FROM him, in case he did something inhuman or evil. dean on the other hand was left alone without any supervision at all for days or even weeks at a time - he resorts to stealing bread and peanut butter and (according to jackles) turning tricks for money. he had to make it work and got up to whatever the fuck he wanted when john wasn’t looking. sam had to LITERALLY run away from home before he got the simple pleasure of eating pizza and having a dog by himself, independently. dean was given too much independence and freedom but sam was kept on such a short leash he had none at all.

john made dean feel unworthy, and he made sam feel unclean

when dean fails to protect sam from the shtriga in the season 1 flashbacks, he says his dad looked at him differently after. he also implies that john physically beat him when sam ran away in flagstaff. whether he meant to or not, john made it abundantly clear that his love for dean was not unconditional; it depended very much on how well dean performed the multitude of tasks john assigned him. dean grew up believing that his only worth was in what he could do for other people. he demonstrates this an an adult over and over and over, from letting his possessed family members beat him up to refusing to take care of his own needs, emotional and otherwise, and snapping at people who try to talk to him about his own feelings.

on the other hand, sam talks in season 8 about how even at a very young age he felt impure and unclean, even before he knew that he had demon blood, even before he knew that there was any such thing as monsters. kids aren’t stupid, and sam picked up on the vibes john was putting off - that john didn’t trust him, might not have loved him, and might not have considered him human or even his own child. without even knowing why, he spent his entire life feeling unclean and inhuman, not worth of being loved by his own family. even dean, who we all know loves sam unconditionally, admits in season 14 that he often took dad’s side on arguments because he had “his own stuff,” further leading to the alienation that was sam’s constant companion growing up. 

AND, MOST IMPORTANTLY:

JOHN’S ABUSE PITTED SAM AND DEAN AGAINST EACH OTHER

john saved dean after their shared trauma of mary’s death. dean says in season 1 that the reason he stopped talking was that he was scared. iirc john’s journal implies he was mute for over a year, and dean in season 2 says that when he was 6 or 7 his dad took him shooting for the first time. if mary died just before dean’s fifth birthday, the timeline works out to dean talking again because john took him shooting. i believe that dean hero worships his father because after mary’s death, and dealing with the terror that something like that could come in and take his family away by killing them horribly at any time without any warning, john learning to fight back against the darkness - and teaching dean to do the same - is what gave dean his voice again. BOTH of them saw and carried the memory of mary burning on the ceiling for the rest of their lives. “watch out for sammy” and “get the thing that killed mom” were dean’s reasons to get up in the morning, because they were john’s reasons to get up in the morning. these things were LITERALLY his reasons for living. john gave dean a way to fight back against fear and gave him a cause to keep him going. abuse or not, dean never stopped being grateful for that, and he was the only other person in the whole world who understood the unique horror of what john went through that night. even all the way into season 10, he tells other people that john did right by him. it’s borderline brainwashing. part of dean’s self-worth will always be based on how good of a son he was to john.

on the other hand, knowingly or not, john did everything possible to alienate sam. he kept him on a short leash while also keeping him at arm’s distance. he didn’t trust sam with emotional things like the memory of mary, he didn’t trust sam with the truth about monsters and what they did for a living, he didn’t trust sam with his plans, he didn’t trust sam with the truth about demon blood. canon STRONGLY suggests john knew YED bled in sam’s mouth as a baby, but instead of telling sam or even dean about that, sam had to learn about it in a horrible flashback recreated by YED himself. when sam wanted to go to school, john told him no, and when he left anyway, john told him not to come back.

this is an equal but opposite kind of abuse. john totally fucked up BOTH his kids in complete inversions to each other.

which means that, no matter what john did, it caused sam and dean to fight. this isn’t an interpretation. this is straight up canon.

again, dean says in s14 that he frequently took dad’s side in arguments because he had his own stuff to deal with, and he was trying to keep the peace. dean, a victim of emotional (and implied sometimes physical) abuse himself, was not able to shield sam from all of john’s bullshit. he could stop sam from getting hit and having to see john during the worst of his drunken rages, but he couldn’t trick sam into thinking john loved him unconditionally, because john didn’t love either of his kids unconditionally.

when john acted in a way that was not befitting of a parent, sam rightfully took exception, which forced dean (who was ALSO BEING ABUSED, almost brainwashed) to jump to his defense. that led to john getting to do whatever the hell he wanted and sam and dean arguing about the effects. when sam ran away in flagstaff, DEAN was punished, leading dean to resenting sam for that incursion, even though sam was perfectly right to want to get away from an abusive household. when sam did a normal thing wanting to leave for college at age 18, he left, and dean resented him for that because that meant he was alone to bear the brunt of john’s anger. 

sam repeatedly made logical, emotionally healthy choices in attempting to break the family dynamic, but because of JOHN’S BEHAVIOR, not sam’s, those choices wound up causing dean harm. JOHN HIMSELF was the ultimate wedge between sam and dean growing up and beyond.

and let’s not forget the biggest sin - john spent 22 years impressing upon dean that taking care of sammy was EVERYTHING, and then without any explanation at all, he asked dean to kill him, and then he DIED, which meant dean had to carry that weight by himself (because again, he’s been trained not to trust sam with things). like of COURSE sam got angry when he found out - that’s fucking fucked up! once again sam is being treated like a ticking time bomb for absolutely no reason - he didn’t ask to have demon blood or psychic visions or a dead mom or an abusive father. nor did dean ask to be saddled with the upbringing of an entire human at four years old who he then might have to kill. because dean will always feel gratitude towards john, and sam will always feel resentment, and because based on john’s treatment of them BOTH OF THESE FEELINGS ARE JUSTIFIED, john continues to cause fights between sam and dean long after he’s dead and gone, and that will never change.

on a final note: i’d like to bring this around to season 13.

after cas, mary, kelly, and crowley all die (or are presumed dead in mary’s case) in the season 12 finale, season 13 opens with nobody but sam and dean and jack. dean directly blames jack for these deaths. he says so multiple times. he says where jack can hear him that he knows jack is evil and impure and cannot be saved and calls jack a freak. when jack tries repeatedly to kill himself dean says to jack’s face not to bother, because WHEN jack does go bad, dean will be the one to kill him. dean does NOT see jack as castiel’s child - he sees jack as someone who brainwashed cas and kelly both and got them killed. dean does not even see jack as a human person worthy of life. from the get-go, all he wants is to put jack down. jack is born into a world shaped by pain and grief and anger, where people hate him simply for what he is and who died to get him here. 

and again, sam identifies hard with jack. he justifiably protests dean’s treatment of him. jack is a kid and didn’t ask for any of this. jack is terrified of dean. sam reminds dean that john said all these things about sam that dean is saying about jack. john is still causing a rift between his sons over a decade after his death.

eventually, after jack uses his powers and brings back cas from the empty, dean pulls his head out of his ass and admits that he was wrong. he calls jack his kid more than once, and jack refers to dean as one of his dads. but the damage has already been done. jack struggles multiple times with his powers, accidentally hurting people and then wishing himself dead after. he also struggles without them; even when using his powers means using up pieces of his soul, he does it, because dean taught him that he’s only worthy of being loved and trusted if he’s “good.” even when he has NO SOUL, when jack does something bad he panics about it and seeks to undo it at any cost. that’s how deep the damage runs.

i see a lot of people remarking that in the arc of 13.01-13.05, dean became john, and i agree that he did. but dean didn’t do to jack what john did to him. dean did to jack what john did to SAM.

#spn dean sam abuse reality

[holyterror704]

Well when dean once said that evil comes out of nowhere to leave you in shredds, it's horrible that everything ends in a “I  try as hard as I could”.

That regret almost makes me forget that time a demon in the first season made a hunter drink battery acid in front of his wife while he vomited his dissolved viceras.

When I forgot how violent and cruel this show was, Bonus remember the cannibal family or the guy who ate French fries straight from the deep fryer?

♥*♡∞:｡.｡　Creppy Treasured memories 　｡.｡:∞♡*♥ 

I still can’t believe they made Dean say “always keep fighting” are you serious are you SERIOUS they made their suicidal character say their shitty fake mental health awareness campaign slogan as he DIED Andrew Dabb my wrath is righteous and mighty

#spn please .... cry with me yes they deserved better Retro violence blood&sarcasm

[holyterror704]

If you get up in the morning and you see a fellow with a scale in his hands, riding a black horse stepping on the wheat fields "proclaiming famine."

Remember how you didn't finish eating your fries the night before or that time you complained about gluten.

#apocalypse.txt

[holyterror704]

I'm full of twinkies and regrets

love my conscience 

#what time is it?

[holyterror704]

 You did it boy, you represent the gifts of Jesus Christ to mankind apart from eternal salvation, humility and shame.

 Things so mundane that they would make a celestial being shudder in tears and  a demon scream with rage.

I literally blog to embarrass myself this is all an exercise to keep me humble

[holyterror704]

Just create this account to make this post:

This video perfectly argues the great writing errors that the end had in my opinion, she speaks with the truth and her ideal ending I will adopt as my new religion so I will rest in peace.

!!!!!please go give a big thanks to this video!!!!!

I completely agree with this video and the worst thing that the series could have done was to throw for the sale beyond the character development was to deny the family and the fight against destiny, I do not know if I was the only one but that ending tells you that no matter how much you fight for what you want you can never defeat the fate above the family it does not matter because in the end you die alone and the only thing you can do is resign yourself to the condemnation that is to live with the lost waiting to go to heaven to have peace as If earthly life didn't matter.

Now for the rest of my life I will start reading fanfics that fix this, I will see comics that give a better closure and I will see criticism of the bad writing of andrew dabb and singer.

goodbye may the lord be with you.

#supernatural #samileen #destiel #bible truth #season finale #script holes #they deserved better #family dont end with blood #free will

[holyterror704]

signs as less common aesthetics pt. 2

Aries Nuclearcore

Taurus Piratecore

Gemini Rococopunk

Cancer Mommy’s on-the-phonecore

Leo Decopunk

Virgo Soft Macabre

Libra City Pop

Scorpio Devilcore

Sagittarius Crust Grunge

Capricorn Scuttlers

Aquarius Mythpunk

Pisces Art Nouveau