homework-and-demons

[homework-and-demons]

That Day I Died

A small part of me died the day I wanted to kill myself. It was snowing that night, tiny flakes of needles pricked my skin in numbing coldness. With each step, I took toward the bridge, each of my hopes and dreams died in front of my eyes. It was eerily quiet that night as if the grim reaper himself stopped time to watch me die. Such a spectacle, such a laugh it would have been to him, to see such a worthless soul die.

I walked to the middle of the bridge below which the black water was engulfed by darkness, where death waited for me in silence. I held the railing, the cold sending shivers down my spine, and hauled myself on top. The snow made the metal more slippery and each gust of wind slammed against me pushing me to jump off, pushing me to finally end it. I never really had any second thoughts about this. Sometimes ending the suffering quickly was the only way out and I choose that. So I let the wind carry me with it. I let it give me wings, to make me feel that I was free.

I pretended everything was fine like I have pretended all my life. But something ached in me, the warmth of Alan’s hug after a long day, the way his smile reached his eyes, sunsets could melt in his soft glance. I wish I told him that. I remembered the day how Rachel looked under the full moon, her eyes holding more wonders than the whole universe, so many dreams she had weaved in my heart. I wondered how many times I have experienced these small moments never realizing they would come back to me like a bullet wound, but even so, the brief moment of false hope made me smile until the water pulled me in.

The cold was a thousand knives in the back, the stabbing pain made me gasp, and the waters took this chance to break me. I can't remember anything but the pain. How the water sewed itself on my lungs, burning holes in its wake. My lungs burned for oxygen and my limbs cried for warmth. My body was fighting for survival while in my mind I was already dead. Perhaps that day death stood up from the banks of the river and took pity on me, offering me its hands to pull me out of the water.

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[homework-and-demons]

Ever a never after

It felt suffocating, my heavy pants were the only things audible. As I felt a sharp pain on my arm when he pushed the plunger to insert the yellow liquid in my veins, I lost the battle in staying quiet. The liquid burned through my veins, turning them ice-cold. My insides felt like they were being twisted and squeezed out of my body. My body twitched from the pain and went numb. I couldn't see anything, but I could hear muffled voices and piercing cries, becoming louder. Then everything stopped to nothingness. This feeling, I liked it, there was no fear or pain, no sorrow or mourning. Only darkness, peace, and silence. However, as I began to regain my consciousness, my small paradise was snatched away from me. The burning was still there though it was almost subdued. I opened my eyes to see a doctor checking the beeping machines and disconnecting some wires from my body. I was in a white room, strapped to the bed with metals. There were machines all over the room beeping and buzzing together, making a familiar noise I can't quite remember. Only when I turned to the opposite side of the room did I realize where the cries were coming from. Next to me was a boy who was similarly strapped. But there was something wrong, the boy didn't move, his skin was bluish, he was staring at the ceiling with half-closed eyes, tears were streaming down his cheeks, and a line of white liquid ran from his lips to his chin. "He's dead," the doctor remarked, noting my puzzled look. Dead? He looked at me for a moment. "At least they could have kept a bit more general knowledge” he mumbled in annoyance. “Listen, kid, it's like being in a state where you can't feel any pain, neither physically nor mentally." He paused before saying, "If your body can't handle it, you'll end up like him, and if your body can, voila, you survive."  Looking at the boy now, I felt hollowed and sad not for him but for myself. At least now that he is dead, his hell is over while mine will continue just fine. Isn’t it better to die in peace than to live in torture? The doctor grabbed my neck to check the chip attached to it and then opened the straps to my bed, hauling me off and shoving me down the corridor. I got used to it even though walking down felt like my muscles were tearing apart. The doctor wouldn't let me sit in a wheelchair no matter how much I begged, so I eventually stopped. After walking through corridor after corridor, I lost track and finally gave up. I don't remember how long we walked for, but he finally stopped in front of a door and pushed me in. The bright light tingled my eyes, a pair of rough hands from each side came along and grabbed me and hauled me to a chair and started tugging at the machines when a sudden memory flashed before my eyes. A place so blue with few white moving spots all over the place and a bright object like a light on the middle and down the horizon was a corridor entirely green. Someone was there too, but before I even could realize who it was the memory vanished. I couldn't remember it anymore but it was fine anyway because they were gonna refresh my memory of today and make me start anew. I don't know how I figured it out or how I keep remembering these small things, but all I know is they are going to make me forget it all and they made sure of it...

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