honeybeecomebuzzingme

[honeybeecomebuzzingme]

Please let me sleep soon, tonight was as meh as the last. I deleted three messages in the group chat. But at least I haven't deleted any messages to my Nakama.

Probably I just want to not live with my dad anymore or at least not have my dad misunderstand me in the ways that he does. I got reassurance from Samaritans and from my friends so I do feel like I've not overreacted.

What's surprising me is that people understand that I don't know that much about epilepsy and I don't know I could have called an ambulance for my dad as my dad acted like nothing happened.

I may have written about it yesterday, I honestly can't remember where my head is at with these vlogs now, but basically I accidentally took my dad's wallet when I was washing his trousers and I was so anxious that I thought he would accuse me of stealing it that I put money in his wallet... my friends said stuff like "why are you giving your dad money, don't you need that money?" And telling me that it wasn't stealing!

I do actually feel like there's something wrong with this situation that I automatically feel like my dad will accuse me of stealing his wallet when my intention was to wash his trousers and try to investigate why he thinks that only men pooped (I picked up a heap of clothes 🙈 it smelled like 💩 and the smell was super strong so I washed his trousers).

I am really concerned. I'm still overthinking the whole situation as well as the epilepsy.

My counselor was the one to suggest the lamp as a non-verbal way to let my dad know that I was not able to talk.

I still don't know how to explain this stuff to my dad even though it has been four years! My dad's usually the one that's playing with the light switch and he starts it when it's the light switch or the radio.

Both of the things that cause me triggers.

I don't understand why my dad would play with the light switch like he did if he has epilepsy and that really confuses me.

I don't understand why my dad wouldn't understand my sensitivity to lights if he has epilepsy. And yes maybe my friend is right that if I had called an ambulance that would have at least tested whether my dad was telling the truth about having epilepsy. I still feel like it's not right that I need to question this when it's been four years and there's no way my counselor would have known back then that my dad had epilepsy if my dad had never talked about it. And also how would I have known if my dad had epilepsy if he never talked about it. Like the amount of times my dad would play with the lights like I cannot say he does have epilepsy. Unless he's truly thinks everyone will automatically know without him telling them?

To clarify, all it is just turning on the light to let my dad know not talk to me. And other methods that I've tried like having my hood up or music etc all of this stuff it just leads to more arguments. It sucks but it does feel like my dad just wants to drive me crazy and act delusional. I feel insane and question my memory of everything.

#deep thoughts #ramblings #sleep deprivation #self deprecating humor #lovestruck #depression and anxiety #self healing #self love #love

[honeybeecomebuzzingme]

Ok so yesterday I got really stressed out because my dad decided it was super urgent to do the laundry when I was trying to ask him why he was sitting alone in the dark and whether he wanted me to turn the light on which I was stood next to...

While I was doing my dad's laundry I accidentally picked up his wallet as it was in his trouser pocket. (He also snapped "what's wrong now!!?" Randomly while I was folding his pillowcases too. I'd mistakenly put them with my clothes before I got distracted by something because even though I take ADHD medication this doesn't cure my ADHD and the biggest symptom of ADHD is being easily distracted and forgetful). I grew extremely anxious about it so to try to ease my anxiety I put more money in his wallet. I was overthinking a lot, maybe paranoid about my dad's reaction, and ended up deleting messages to my Nakama -- essentially N was like "but that's not stealing?" -- and my other bestie was like "why did you give your Dad money don't you need money?"

So yeah I ended up feeling so guilty about accidentally picking up my dad's wallet that I tricked myself into thinking that yes my dad would definitely say and accuse me of stealing it but that was just because my dad reacted in such a bizarre way!?

He's very avoidant about discussing anything that would imply that I understand how the world works as an adult I think.

But what really concerns me is the other day he said he has epilepsy and he said he was having a fit but then got up and it didn't seem like anything happened. And the next day he denied that he had epilepsy and denied that he'd had a fit. And then talking to my friends about it I feel really guilty I didn't know I could have called an ambulance to get help. In that instance if he was faking it would have been pretty clear if I started dialing 999...

I'm really confused. I talked to my doctor about it and he said that it wasn't that big of a deal. So from what my doctor said, and what my friends have said, and what my normal GP has said (as well as maybe my dad's GP I can't remember) 🙏 everything is actually okay and it's really my dad needs to get/accept support for himself because I need to focus on myself and my own healing and mental health.

I'm pretty certain my dad has a lot of problems that he's too stubborn to get help for for himself which is why I started doing the laundry and cleaning at night to avoid arguments every day. Also why I keep panicking and OVER thinking, you know, maybe it's my anxiety, but if he's done all this "stuff" over the years, then he thinks it's normal, it's really troubling.

I keep thinking about the p word. Things he's accused my exes and my friends of over the years -- it's really freaking sad.

I really want to be a mom but I feel like I never will until this issue is resolved fully.

#deep thoughts #ramblings #sleep deprivation #self deprecating humor #lovestruck #depression and anxiety #self healing #self love #love

[honeybeecomebuzzingme]

If I could tell him how I feel that would be great. I know he probably knows how I feel based on my anxiety and I trust him more now. It's like not having pressure and just going with the flow before felt better.

Having no labels. Surviving in limbo.

Questioning everything. Being alive.

I feel better this way. Being a good friend.

I'd rather be friends with someone and be happy, because being with someone on a more monogamous level, to anyone, I feel trapped and I surrender to my own toxic thoughts. Self sabotage and spiraling.

Catastrophic jumping to conclusions.

I don't feel fit for anything right now.

I don't know what to say to anyone.

N, L or M. My dad as well. Always stressful. Being alive is very stressful sometimes but I'm trying my best .

. But that's all for now! Like above all I feel for my best friends. My Nakama. And yes I do miss N. My weaknesses are kinda my strength. I care so much for so many.

I love you so much as long as I can exist.

My soul and spirits are free as can be.

I will always be here for my friends.

My friends are my reason to exist.

My greatest love is friendship.

(I want a Naruto tattoo!! 😀😁🤯

I exist, because my best friend saved my life. So many times. I survived, because my Nakama cares about me. I exist.

My existence is valid. I am so happy.

I want things to all go well. I want the same feeling to continue. He is my hero.

He deserves the best. All my friends do!

It's a bitter sweet happiness. I feel like finally accepting the way love can change and alternate over time. That pure love and friendship can be fun and endearing.

I might have no emotional support from my direct family but I do have my friends.

By all the Gods, I do love N, respect, trust and appreciate him, and everyone of my friends, so very much.

Everyone deserves happiness and joy.

I wish I could tell you how I feel.

Emotions are a lot to us both.

High anxiety and shouting.

It doesn't do well for all.

#deep thoughts #ramblings #sleep deprivation #self deprecating humor #lovestruck #depression and anxiety #self healing #self love #love

[honeybeecomebuzzingme]

Started crying still can't sleep.

I tried watching funny things to help me feel distracted and I started to fall asleep but then I started crying instead.

I wish I could tell him they always meant it is what it is. I will love him always --an unconditionally family light love. He put up with me in America and all the things happened and I never just said it fully-- I never felt like I could.

I ask a queen all the time (the coin) I asked the coin and it says that he loves me and this scares me.

Is it the only thing that I can do to try and help me sleep is to smoke? Is that the only thing that will work? I guess so...

#deep thoughts #ramblings #sleep deprivation #self deprecating humor #depression and anxiety #lovestruck #self healing #self love #love

[honeybeecomebuzzingme]

You deserve love.

[honeybeecomebuzzingme]

See what I'm trying to explain to my dad a lot of the time is that I want to spend time with him and do things with him and when I suggest stuff like it means I want to...

Like I've been feeling awful because of mental health and everything. Depressed sushi style. I don't know how to imply it so I'll just say directly which is a lot more than I could say for how much I've told my friends about how I'm feeling really.

I feel sad that I've not told my Nakama directly about how I'm feeling with my dad things will never get better and if I don't move out I don't want to exist anymore.

Living with my dad is making me not want to live and we'll stop ever being able to talk to each other if things don't get better.

Like my dad seems to blame all of this on other people instead of understanding anything and it's not just about emotions or this morning trying to fix things.

Like I tried to suggest going for a drive and all I would need is for him to sit in the car if he does have a license for example.

It's 4: 20 a.m. hahaha 🤣😂 time for milk...

I miss N... If only just for someone to share chocolate with the same ....

Will I dare to blog a poem or sleep?

😄🔥

#deep thoughts #ramblings #sleep deprivation #self deprecating humor #lovestruck #depression and anxiety #self healing #self love #love #spotify #Spotify

[honeybeecomebuzzingme]

Overthinking more- overthinking is strange. I don't know what to say to them and I keep mixing up pronouns in all sorts of ways when I blog about it as I'm actually using voice to text. It helps as I'm dyslexic and also like I say it's after 3:00 a.m. so can I be assed to actually use my fingers to type!? whoa!? 😂😅🤣

If they were here they would say to chill and go to sleep probably watch anime.

Although, I had a massive urge to clean as my dad startled me a fair few times and usually cleaning helps me to sleep and feel more at ease. I played League instead and distracted myself but I did end up doing some chores until about 1:00 a.m.

Anyway, I did get the urge to clean my car at 3:30 in the morning however I decided to eat ice cream and try to sleep instead... 😁 much better and less weird... I am not going to let myself get stressed by my dad anymore but here I said I'd vent about it.

It stresses me that my dad can't be clear about whether he has important things in place for example I have been told multiple times by people who know my dad who said that I would have to organise his paperwork when the time comes.

And right now it makes me feel sick knowing all the stuff that happened in the past and trying not to relive it in my head every time I'm near my dad or see any reminders of what went on and what was said. My Dad does things that are not logical to me. To others it's weird.

People seem to sometimes misunderstand that my dad is my boyfriend/husband when I blog like this so I try to make it very clear when I am venting about my dad. People confuse me in their assumptions.

I wish I could sleep. It's nearly 4am...

I miss my Nakama. I wish we could play League, eat chocolate/ice cream, watch anime and chill. I miss their warm hugs.

I finish my ice cream now and it is now 4:00 a.m. so I should definitely sleep because I've had my meds at least an hour ago now. It is really not good how bad my sleep is that I cannot sleep so much.

I still think that these venting blogs are better than texting my friends constantly and deleting messages nearly every time that I talk to them. All I'm really asking is how are you and that's straightforward.

I think checking in with my best friend is okay and they would say something if it was a problem. It's 4:00 a.m. so they are probably asleep and if not then you know the coin would say they are on the toilet.

But then remember only men poo...

I really hope that I can move out soon so that I don't have all of these problems with my dad that mean that I have to rely on my friends more than I want to really.

I miss being an independent, confident, capable, self assured, adult woman? 😭😢😞 I remember being a little bit better at regulation of emotions before 2018?

#deep thoughts #ramblings #sleep deprivation #self deprecating humor #depression and anxiety #self healing #self love #lovestruck #love

[honeybeecomebuzzingme]

I'm overthinking a lot about sending my best friends memes on like no basis at all because they have said so many times that it's okay and they find them funny. Sometimes I send the message when they are asleep. And it's after 3 a.m. so they are probably asleep now.

I think it's okay to be overthinking and worrying about my best friend as it gives me the realisation that I have empathy and sympathy for other people and I care and love my friends so so much.

I can put myself into other people's shoes if you understand that reference. I do understand that I message my friends too much and deleting messages is the same amount of harm as any self sabotaging behavior and that is in itself toxic.

I mean that this constant spiraling is not healthy and I feel like I've been stuck doing this for several years now. For example the other day when I mentioned I feel like I'm at stage four of a mental breakdown. I feel like I am incapable of full-time work as well as part-time work of any work and I've been seriously behind on my books as well. I haven't played guitar since November last year. I stopped reading.

However, I felt before then inspiration from my muse. My Nakama and besties.

And more content in myself. Confident.

I felt that slightly for today. Walking into the shops feeling like my old self. Feeling like a wise old sage who can do anything that they put their mind to. No gender binaries or any binaries a web blah blah.

I almost felt like I was feeling better until about 3 a.m. when I started overthinking about sending memes to my best friend.

It feels like it's a silly thing to worry about in introspection and I need to let it go.

I'll probably be back if I don't manage to sleep still because this is helping me not to delete messages and I feel like I may need to vent later about my dad or something because that is my pattern of spiraling.

((Do I sound like I have a dry sense of humour because I feel like I might do!?))

Nakama is Ohana. Always 😊👍🙏☺️

#deep thoughts #ramblings #sleep deprivation #self deprecating humor #lovestruck #depression and anxiety #self healing #self love #love #spotify

[honeybeecomebuzzingme]

So the other day I posted a vent blog that I was overthinking about telling my dad to "suck eggs" while cleaning something.

Essentially what I mean by that is that I was worried that I was over explaining how to use a wet wipe. However, when I explained to him the first way, about cleaning the dust and pointing at the dust explaining what dust is etc he got out the hoover instead of using the wet wipe and he missed the precise area of any dust...

Well what happened as a result of that conversation is he started cleaning the mirror, making noises that made me feel concerned that he had broken the mirror, and again that was not the area where the tea was spilled or the stains are and the dust. And honestly I tried to be extremely directly specific about the dust and pointing out specific things.

Well the next day I tried again pointing at the very same thing. The dust.

Over the last two decades when I'm discussing tidying up the house I never mean "throw away everything" I always mean to "Clean and organise" things!

I'm pretty sure my dad would say he doesn't remember the many conversations (maybe it's genuine if he has Alzheimer's) but I always say the same about "clean and organise" yet he doesn't understand. I don't mean "throw them away" if I mean "wash the curtains" and I seriously don't understand why he thinks only men 💩

I'm so tired why am I not asleep? Why is my dad awake now? I want him to stop.

#deep thoughts #ramblings #sleep deprivation #self deprecating humor #lovestruck #depression and anxiety #self healing #self love

[honeybeecomebuzzingme]

I am overthinking and it's really frustrating I've just realized that it's nearly 5:00 a.m. so I should probably be asleep. However, overthinking is very frustrating yet I don't believe that I've said anything bad in my blogs at all really.

I think people know that this is just me trying to vent in a way that doesn't come back to bite me somehow.

I don't want to over text people anymore.

I don't want to delete messages anymore.

I want to just be able to have all of my friends and everyone I know just be happy.

I want to be happy but I don't know how to communicate with people so that causes me a lot of anxiety. I need to be anxious all the time. That's what people want right?

If I'm not anxious people assume that I'm anxious so there's no winning scenario.

If I'm trying to do something helpful and useful people think I'm gonna hurt myself or even more break something. I'm 31!?

My dad and everyone really confuse me with assumptions about my labels and gender. I know I'm gender fluid because I want to be nice as both and I like being called dude or bro. I don't like that it's assumed that women like dresses because they're women and not because dresses are cool. I don't like but it's assumed that woman like shoes because they're women and not because shoes can be quite practical and history has informed fashion to be the way that it is so it's quite neat to see how things have progressed in terms of function and productivity. In shoes!

I like things because I like things not because my gender dictates it.

I want to have children and get married because I want to make a family that is better than the family that came before me. This is nothing to do with the gender that I was born as or the monogamous old religion that I was forced into when I was growing up. This also has nothing to do with the gender of who I might marry.

I am queer. I seem to cry over odd things.

I don't seem to be able to control my emotions and I never had anyone to teach me. My dad believes that my ex is the one that was supposed to do this and stuff like that. My dad said that my ex not doing that meant that my ex was abusive.

This has been the rinse and repeat of every relationship I've been in no matter what gender that person has been. My dad has not acknowledged and does not want to acknowledge that I am attracted to girls or non-binary people. my queers!

I don't think I choose to be manipulated or abused at all and I don't think my partners that I've had were actually all abusive.

And I definitely do not think that any of my exes deserve to be tarnished with the same brush. ((Just because one was on the register does not mean that all the ones to that same accent are on the register)). And frankly my dad makes me feel like I will never be good enough and there's nothing I can do to not be abused.

All I can do is eat ice cream and then try to sleep. I have taken my meds and I'm tired.

I'm actually eating okay now with these meds and I feel like if I eat then that does help with my more negative symptoms.

And if you want me to talk more about my poems that might be the next thing I do.

You know if I don't go to sleep haha 😆

#deep thoughts #ramblings #sleep deprivation #lovestruck #self deprecating humor #depression and anxiety #self healing #self love #love

[honeybeecomebuzzingme]

I actually can't be assed flirting with people anymore. Is this normal?

I started to try and then I started thinking about him... Wisdom and feet...

It's very frustrating as it's been several months now and we are really good friends and we're at a good point in my opinion where we stop worrying about what the other person thinks and just chill.

Just something about his feet that really seems to make me get all emotional and it triggers me like I'm "cheating" on his feet?

This is really confusing because I know I'm supposed to be poly. I thought that that was what he wanted to do but then it's hard to tell. People really confused me.

I like the situation now. I feel like I don't need to question or doubt or even delete messages. I feel like I can be myself.

I feel like he's a good friend and I trust him and like I said he's totally my best friend and I would "die for him" like I see him as family. He's my Nakama and everyone is my Nakama. But I think I want to live for myself, he can watch me because I plan to get past my mental breakdown and grow.

Although, I really want to just not delete messages anymore and love free haha

Nakama is Ohana!

#deep thoughts #ramblings #sleep deprivation #lovestruck #self deprecating humor #depression and anxiety #self healing #self love #love

[honeybeecomebuzzingme]

I asked the coin if you still love me, it keeps saying yes, and so I am scared...

Do I admit my true feelings? Do I imply?

Dare to try. If you can even feel this vibe.

#deep thoughts #ramblings #sleep deprivation #lovestruck #self deprecating humor #depression and anxiety #self healing #self love #love #spotify

[honeybeecomebuzzingme]

A few years ago it seems like I found a card that was for me and my ex however I was already out as non-binary at that point and not with him anymore and I also found "son-in-law" cards and others too.

I tried to talk to my dad about this when I found the cards today but he just stomped away. It would have taken 2 seconds for him to say that he just forgotten about them in a drawer and that would have been okay so because he stomped away and decided something else was more important talking over me not letting me just ask the straightforward question and be direct it just caused more stress again.

Like the fact that he thinks that I am married and that I have children and other things it's really strange. I'm married...? But also his little girl? I am very concerned.

Like he's not living in the same reality?

Remember I said a few times about texting things? That my dad believes it's normal to text/call someone a lot and that if they don't reply instantly you must text/call them more- and yes he is not able to see the irony of historical evidence...

My dad's not ever been a good parent.

There's been a lot of times where my dad could have reassured me and said that I was overthinking like my friends do or reminded me to eat! My dad doesn't logic.

Like the dreams, the nightmares, and the trauma if he could have just validated that instead of denying and making me feel like I'm crazy for my entire life. I predicted my mum's death and I couldn't do anything because I was a child. I didn't do anything even though I was dreaming about it so much before it happened.

That's why I thought for 2 decades that I was the reason for everything.

So when I feel like this what I should be doing is thinking about Bleach and Cruella.

Ichigo didn't cause his mum's death.

Cruella didn't cause her mum to be mauled by spotted dogs.

When we are children and we witness events like that our brains are unable to process and comprehend that the situation was unsafe and out with our control. We're unable to admit that the adults around us failed in their duties.

We blame ourselves in constant cycles because the adults around us did not have the capacity to ease that anxiety.

My dad will never understand why I am like Ichigo or Cruella or the girl from Casper. Never understand me.

#deep thoughts #ramblings #sleep deprivation #self deprecating humor #depression and anxiety #self healing #self love

[honeybeecomebuzzingme]

I'm still overthinking. I researched the stages of a mental breakdown and I believe I'm at stage four.

I'm really anxious that my dad won't let me set up the new home hub or post the return parcel for the old one.

I just want to be useful and helpful.

I feel like if I set it up then I actually get to use my skills from college and work.

If I get to use my skills and I can do things then I'll feel more capable and I'll be able to write and publish my books and go back to work! (Adult essentially).

I'm really stressed this week because my plan was to get my car insurance sorted out but then because my dad thinks I'm so useless and incapable of doing everything I'm stuck doing all the millions of other things at once and oh so stressed!

I don't understand why my dad can't just talk like a normal human. Why can't we communicate the same way that my friends do in a normal calm way?

Why can't my dad communicate with me? Why did my dad expect everyone else to be my parents when he's never been my dad he's always been just my mom's carer to me. My mum was the one that spent time with me and got to know me. My mum was the one that disciplined me and taught me things that lasted as core memories due to how my dad denies the things that he taught me ever happened. Basically he thinks that none of what he's passed on to me has any meaning as he thinks I can't do things.

I don't see it as my dad sees me as his "little girl" it's definitely not a good thing in my experience. To me it's disgusting and leaves a foul taste in my mouth as all I can remember is what my dad was supposedly accused of and what he implied that my partners and friends apparently had been accused of! (because of their accents?)

I would rather give my life for my best friend and move out far away from my dad. When my nana died My Friends were there for me more than my family and I was so disappointed in my dad and his family because they made all of these empty promises - a million times it wouldn't ever be. My dad was never supposed to fix everything I never asked him to fix everything I was trying to talk trying to communicate. I feel like it's disgusting that people think it's okay to just keep calm and carry on but you don't actually keep calm you're just carrying on at the same time!!! It's a neverending confusing argumental conversation about the same thing over and over. Nothing.

It's insanity to keep repeating the same cycles over and over and expecting new results. It's always one step forward three steps back each time I do counseling. So long as I live here and I'm forced to be a child in an adult's body by my father who I do not trust and do not want anywhere near my body. So long as I am forced to live here I will not really get any better...

I feel so incapable and dependent on everyone and everything and I feel like I rely too much on my best friend because I can't rely on my dad or my blood family.

I love all of my best friends as I've said before I call them my Nakama. So like that means to me friends top family any day.

My Nakama is my Ohana. Always.

#deep thoughts #ramblings #sleep deprivation #self deprecating humor #depression and anxiety #self healing #self love

[honeybeecomebuzzingme]

I just want to write a blog where I vent about my dad and people please don't misunderstand and think I'm talking about some kind of absentee boyfriend.

I wish my dad would understand he's not my boyfriend I don't think my dad ever will.

See when my mom was alive my dad was her carer and he looked after me as well and I was her young carer. I remember making cups of tea and helping her in the bathroom and just small tasks. I do think I may have also learned how to make Malibu and Coke when I was six or seven.

I wish that my dad would understand that he's not my carer and he's not my husband and I don't want my dad to grab me.

For me that is trauma. This is really triggering when my dad makes his assumptions and he goes into my personal space or he invades my boundaries and he assumes that I need help with getting dressed or in the bathroom. I can see where he's misunderstanding and thinking that I need him to do everything for me because he was my mom's carer.

I understand and accept that that was what he was taught to do and a different generation and he is a huge boomer and refuses to see me as anymore than his infantile little girl. I'm not an adult.

I'm really grossed out by the fact that he thought the way he touched me was okay in the past. I feel like I can't move past that. Whenever he's intimidating towards me I go into fight, freeze or flight mode.

It really sucks, but he sees me as his little girl and I don't think there's anything I can do about that. He will always assume that I am straight. He will always assume that I am married or engaged or pregnant.

You will always assume that I am female.

That's the only thing about my existence.

The only thing I am good for is just baby making. My qualifications don't mean anything. My qualifications are useless.

All I am is just a baby machine and as soon as I get pregnant my ADHD will disappear.

Forgetting all of these extreme strange assumptions and delusions of my dad's the worst one is the one that he assumes about my best friend.

You see I asked them for help with craft skill related questions. I tried to tell my dad to leave it to me to sort out and I can do it! (I'm fed up after waiting 20+ years for him to fix it and I know he'd react like today if I tried to do it) However, instead of understanding that I'm taking it as well as a consequence of my actions to be my responsibility my dad is assuming that my friend has already done the work. I have not actually shared my query let alone paid them to do the work yet.

Tonight my dad assumed that they came over to fix the drawers at 1:00 a.m.

Before this what used to happen was my dad would come stomping into my room and insist upon repairing the thing right away even though I might have been just trying to get out of my room and having a casual chat with him in the hallway about it. For years I had disgusting ugly square sharp shelves in my room because my dad insisted upon not building something that fit my actual height and covered up graffiti. He wouldn't understand that I knew what I wanted in my own damn room and I couldn't spend my life bumping my head into things. Like my dad could never understand anything about me. My need for independence and reassurance. My determination to be me.

I love my bedroom now. I love the curved shelves my bestie made. The desk has a bevelled edge! It's gorgeous! I love that the walls are fucking purple, grey and black! And the black is chalkboard paint too!

Also I have a glittery black thick carpet...

Much better than the old burnt green one and hideous torn wallpaper. The graffiti on my bedroom wallpaper after my mum died was merely the tip of the iceberg. I was bullied, chased to run away from home, peeped on, stalked, abused physically and mentally and locked in my own bedroom!

Circa 1990-2000s there was a lot of things I remember that were all degrees of traumatising. My dad was happy to have people come into his house and physically assault me, and verbally, break his things and graffiti, and damage his house, and vandal his house, trespassing his house, and also peeping toms, and other things like that.... And apparently my mum too, according to my dad, but my dad denied a lot of things- is what I'm saying... He even said only men poop!

I don't understand why my dad would ever think that my best friend NOW is abusive and manipulative and he's always going to be assumed to be labeled of some kind. I don't understand why my dad is messing with my head so much over all this. I feel like my dad is unable to see me as older than 2002 almost like when my mom died I stopped aging in his eyes. Stuck as a helpless child unable to get a job unable to go to college or university that's why the qualifications and experiences mean nothing because in my dad's eyes none of that's happened yet. I'm just playing make believe with my dolls pretending to have a job in my thirties. And then there's the author thing where my dad thinks that's just a game. And of course my dad's other delusion that I'm married and I have kids and he keeps giving me presents for these imaginary kids.... It's weird?

I've tried writing him letters and leaving him notes. I've tried talking to him directly calmly but he still misunderstands me. There's always something I forget. Like when I gave him the instructions on how to fill a mop bucket I forgot to say to look in the bucket first before you start filling it with hot water in case there's anything in there. I assumed it was common sense.

And today when I gave him a wet wipe and told him to "suck eggs" with cleaning the dresser. I thought I'd gone overboard but it turned out he misunderstood me completely and thought he had to clean the mirror and not the dresser.

I even pointed to the dust and explained what was dust was because he said that he didn't know what dust was. I'm just so confused why instead of dusting the dust I was pointing at he went and got the vacuum cleaner and cleaned everything but that one spot of dust.

I ended up cleaning his room and his computers for him as I got so frustrated with him misunderstanding me trying to explain dust. I tried to explain to him by pointing directly at the dust in question.

That's all it was was dust. It was just dust. Skin particles. Dandruff. Bits of foods that had fallen behind his computer and under his bed, likely also poo from only men.

I just don't understand. I was aware that the mirror was dirty but that's not part of the dresser. Tea spilled on the front of the dresser. I feel like that's not a purposeful thing to have tea in your drawers?

I don't like having to talk to my dad like he's a child which is what I mean when I say I'm telling him to suck eggs. I feel like a lot of this stuff should be common sense especially with what my dad used to do. I was trying not to over explain how to use a wet wipe and it felt so silly. I felt bad as he didn't know what dust was. I'm really flummoxed. He tells me to "suck eggs" all the time when it comes to things that I studied and really mansplained stuff. How could he be able to pass as relatively human and yet not know what dust is?

How can you not see all of that or smell all of that? Also I put bright rainbow post-it notes everywhere and I write letters to my dad and texts but he never acknowledges them nor even replies. And he himself has said many times that if someone doesn't reply to your text messages that means boyfriend is automatically right? He says that it's okay to send your boyfriend lots of text messages and if they're ghosting you that means they sUpEr love you right? So by that logic then my dad is my boyfriend because he doesn't reply to my text messages! So essentially because my dad doesn't reply to my text messages that makes him my boyfriend by his logic.

My dad picks and chooses when he has bronchitis, asthma and dyslexia. My dad denies that there's anything wrong with our family or the way that we interact or how we communicate. He thinks that my exes he says are too blame and abusive cos of various petty reasons like what accent they have or how much milk they drink. My dad blames me for everything that's ever gone wrong with our family, especially my mum's death when I was 8 because I had a repeated nightmare about it, and he says that it's my fault that we can't do family therapy as I had a stomach ache when I volunteered back in 2021?

My dad always assumes that any time I am sad it's always a boy's fault and never anything to do with the fact that I am grieving or stressed. My depression is caused by men and yes remember only men poop. If I get pregnant I'll be cured!

He will deny it all if I try to bond with him or spend time with him talking about normal day-to-day stuff. I tried so hard to explain ADHD and why I have meltdowns and why I feel oppressed. I've tried talking to him about all of this stuff for the past two decades. But he insists that it will all be cured if I'm pregnant.

Oh and by the way only men poop.

Don't forget only men poop!

#deep thoughts #ramblings #sleep deprivation #self deprecating humor #depression and anxiety

[honeybeecomebuzzingme]

Toshihiko Takamizawa's custom ESP angel guitar

[honeybeecomebuzzingme]

Dave Grohl 🥁