honeyjaez

[honeyjaez]

Boo mother fucking Seungkwan

guys who is ur 'idol that no one is allowed to hate and i will defend with my whole life'? for me its soobin

#I will defend that man until I die #leave him alone

[honeyjaez]

So in the year I took off from here I have returned to say I have absolutely become trash for TXT.

Like I need to learn more about them because I’m a simp for their music.

#please will any moas accept me? I’m nice I swear #txt #tomorrow x together

[honeyjaez]

JUN IN A MESH SHIRT IS MAKING ME GO FERAL

#HE FEELING HIMSELF MY GOD #kpop #seventeen #wen junhui

[honeyjaez]

T-the Dino Arms……

#bruh lol #I’m gonna die #seventeen

[honeyjaez]

Everytime I think Oneus cannot put out another title track that I love more than the last, I am severely mistaken.

#the way Bring it On just sneaks up on you #I’m OBSESSED #kpop #oneus

[honeyjaez]

*Honeyjaez has left the chat*

[honeyjaez]

*Honeyjaez has left the chat*

#hello #i am a doormat #doormat is me #don’t even get me started on his other parts in this song #love of my stupid heart #my shitty GIFs #ult #the boyz #tbz #Hyunjae #jaehyun

[honeyjaez]

I’m trying to clean my room but I’m getting distracted why watching Omega x videos and learning more about them 🥴🫠

#i remember really liking Sebin during debut but I never followed up with it after that #also can I just say Jehyun needs to leave me alone #kpop #omega x

[honeyjaez]

Ngl. Yunho holds such a chokehold over my….jongho is hanging on by a THREAD

#i never thought I would leave my baby man child #but Yunho’s power is getting to be too great #kpop #ateez #Yunho

[honeyjaez]

dann // ascension (220410)

[honeyjaez]

On a more positive side note, I’ve been using the time spent bed ridden catching up on Going Seventeen (I haven’t watched any of 2021) and somehow I fell even more in love with Seveteen.

[honeyjaez]

Trigger warning: Suicide and deteriorated Mental health

I want to preface this post by saying at this current moment I am not in a good headspace, the last 6 months, my life has been divided by good and bad days and today is one of those days.

Some of you who know me somewhat or have followed me for a while might have noticed my extended hiatus from this app. I graduated college with the promise of bringing so much back to my page but was undelivered.

About 6 months ago, at the end of November, was diagnosed with an auto immune disease that had left me in incredible pain. At the beginning before I got medicine for it, the pain was so excruciating that I could hardly breathe. I was unable to leave my bed when the pain was at its worse and it was just non stop, day after day. Just living was painful.

I finally got on some form of medicine I take everyday for it at the beginning of the year and I thought life was going to start turning around. I took emergency leave of absence from work to allow time for the medicine to start working in my body. And for a while…it worked. I was still in pain, but the pain was diluted and instead of being agonizing, it was more of an annoyance. I thought I could live with this even if it was everyday.

But now that I’ve been on my medicine for a few months, I’m starting to feel worse again. Almost like the medicine I was so thankful for, suddenly stopped working. The pain is getting worse and worse and all I can do is lay back in bed and just try and think positive thoughts.

But it’s almost like a game of endurance. Whatever side can endure longer wins. And I’m terrified I’m on the losing spectrum. It’s not just physically now beating me, but mentally too. More times than I would like to admit, have I thought im better off just dead and trying over in the next life- especially in those early days.

I know I can’t. Honestly, and truthfully I’ve already tried once (long ago) and learned I am unable to follow through with it so that is what it is.

And don’t get me wrong, I’ve had some great days, yesterday we got stray kids tickets which I was super happy for. And I’ve had other days where the pain is bearable and I’m able to live, but in my mid 20s dealing with this, I can’t help but think “if it’s this bad now, what will it be like when I’m 30? Or 40?” My doctor has already warned me I’m not gonna have an easy life with this and I’m honestly so scared. Scared of living the rest of my life with this pain that’s non stop. Scared I’ll eventually lose the battle….I’m just so tired of being in pain.

Funny enough, I had a great day too. I went and saw the Seventeen Power of Love movie with my best friend, which I loved. But now that I’m home, I can barely move from the pain and I’m just laying in bed trying not to think about it, but In trying to get my mind off of it, I keep thinking about it.

My mom has already told me I should start seeing a therapist for this, and I agree, but until I can get in I haven’t really had a healthy way to talk about my feelings, even now I’m realizing I’ve never even allowed myself to hug someone and just let myself cry. I’ve cried to my mother yes, but it’s always been on the phone.

And then I wrestle with the gaslighting on myself where I think “Sarah, stop talking about it, it’s not like you are dying, you don’t have cancer, your life isn’t as bad as others so stop making such a big deal out of it” I find myself scared to talk about it when I’m with my friends because I feel like that’s all I’ve done to them the last few months.

I guess my only saving Grace during this is the idea that everyday is a new day for me.

I honestly don’t know anymore. And truthfully I’m not sure why I posted this on here. I guess this was my way of journaling my thoughts like my mother told me to try.

But if anyone out there is also struggling, it may not be my situation exactly, but struggling regardless….you aren’t alone. We all have our battles we are fighting and just knowing there are others out there still hanging on, even if only by a thread like me, makes me feel like I can keep going.

I’m okay, I’m a few hours I feel better after this meltdown, it’s just right now I needed to say the words I said. Thank you and I’m sorry if I triggered anyone.

❤️❤️❤️❤️

#i wanna talk about all the kpop groups who have become my sword and shield during this time but I don’t want this showing up in the tags #so I’ll just shut up

[honeyjaez]

WE GOT STRAY KIDS TICKETS. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

You guys. This is so huge. I’ve been with stray kids since their survival show. I missed out on their first world tour but now I get to finally see my children all live. 😭😭😭😭

I GET TO SEE MY SCORPIO SON LIVE

#stray kids

[honeyjaez]

I am not okay 😀

#seungyeop bby plZ #i need to LIVE #kpop #E’last #seungyeop

[honeyjaez]

Words cannot describe how obsessed I am with Handong’s black dress in Maison.

Like I keep watching it and all I can think is how good she looks in it 😩😩😩😩

#a woman after my own heart #i want it so bad #handong #dreamcatcher

[honeyjaez]

Also I’m just a little bit salty I won’t be able to see the boyz on their world tour.

<—This doormat is upset

#it’s a hard day to live in the Pacific Northwest

[honeyjaez]

Jokes. It’s only been like 3 months since I last shit posted.

A lot been happening but it feels like forever since I was last on here 😅