hopeful-dove-eyes

[hopeful-dove-eyes]

these swings leave me breathless

one minute...

i'm on cloud 9 with your butterfly kisses

the next...

i'm lying on the ground

wondering if i'll ever be enough

[hopeful-dove-eyes]

i don't want to compare myself to anyone

that's not my life

not my experiences

not my thoughts

not my emotions

yet i find myself comparing,

i find myself thinking....

what do i have on seven years?

what promises were made in that time?

what triggers certain memories?

what makes this different?

how can one week trump seven years?

i know i can trust you,

but can i trust myself?

will i ever not compare myself to the past?

[hopeful-dove-eyes]

my mind knows You've got this.

my heart is too easily swayed by fear.

i know You have it all in control,

and You know every atom of it all.

i trust.....and yet i fear.

everything melding together,

reds bleeding into whites.

[hopeful-dove-eyes]

i'm terrified of the unknown.

that means i'm scared of what could possibly happen.

i'm not afraid of you.

i trust you.

i want to be able to look out

and be unafraid of what's to come.

i want to be by your side.

i wish i had more assurance in myself,

to not be easily swayed by fears.

because i've seen how people change.

through life.....time....experiences.

it's inevitable.......expected even.

i don't want to lose this,

not before i've had a chance to bask in it.

[hopeful-dove-eyes]

they're singing their song again.

words wrapping around me,

tightening with every exhale.

poison in my blood,

circulating on repeat.

he'll realize he's made a mistake.

he'll see you in person and be repulsed.

he'll realize you're not who he thought you were.

he'll keep things from you say it's to not hurt you.

he'll reject you...

you're undesirable.

you're not beautiful.

you're not a good prospect.

he'll see all of it.

he'll see how messed up you really are.

he'll see how messed up you are and not want to deal with it.

he wants someone confident.

he wants someone put together.

he wants someone whole.

he wants someone attractive.

he will grow tired of waiting.

he will grow impatient.

he will grow tired of constantly reassuring you.

he will leave.

and you will be alone again,

before you could ever experience the fullness of being chosen.

[hopeful-dove-eyes]

the ocean is still today,

but that's more confounding.

at least when the waves rose and fell

with a multitude of voices speaking over one another,

i could sift through them and keep steady

by narrowing my focus.

now that it's settled and still as glass,

i see my reflection and feel them again -

the fears that are always just beneath the surface.

i see their futures,

their multitude of outcomes.

their whispers crescendo,

muffling the hoarse elation and relief.

you would think they could drown out the fear,

but how good is a voice if it's rarely used?

they're fighting to be heard.

i'm straining to hear them.

but the fears have a new song and dance,

pulling me under.

muffling anything i could ever hear from above...

[hopeful-dove-eyes]

I swear . . .

some of these blooming hopes

are the size of old trees.

It's too easy to be shaded

by their reaching dreams.

Chop, chop.

[hopeful-dove-eyes]

It's maddening

the thinking

Playing out every scenario

silently preparing

Multitudes of outcomes

must prepare

Could get hurt

Could get loved

Could get butchered

Could get adored

too many outcomes

[hopeful-dove-eyes]

All i want to say,

all that could be said...

floats endlessly.

Sweet dreams drifting ever onward.

[hopeful-dove-eyes]

I'm scared to let hope bloom.

I've felt what happens when a field of hope is instantly demolished.

Nothing is left - not even seeds.

If i don't keep the hope buried, under control . . .

If the hope gets too big . . .

That amount of rejection could scortch everything.

Nothing would grow after that.

There would be no hope left.

So i keep pruning.

Keep it under control.

[hopeful-dove-eyes]

My dear Friend,

i picked you first

not your brother.

i spoke to him first,

but i chose you.

even when the dawn

was present in your eyes...

i still chose you.

i tried to silence my hope.

only praying God's will for you

and just a friend for me.

but i still chose you.

and now that the dawn has left

and the night has settled,

hope has sprouted

where i buried it -

glittering like stars.

they whisper dreams

i long since thought improbable

reawakening visions of a future

i lost hope in ever having.

because i chose you.

days pass by,

and i don't know how to tell you

without possibly destroying what we've built.

so here it stays

on the dark side of the moon

with the twinkling lights whispering.

Because, my friend,

I Choose You 🖤

[hopeful-dove-eyes]

my chest burns with this poison

is it just anxiety?

just depression?

hormonal?

or is it something far more lethal?

is my heart actually broken?

is the pain an omen, or a chemical illusion?

either way

it's my fault for letting it get this bad

[hopeful-dove-eyes]

i know there's nothing to worry about

i know that paranoia is seeing things that aren't there

but i still can't help but feel

it feels like annoyance

it feels like disinterest

it feels like betrayal

it feels like hate

[hopeful-dove-eyes]

you wonder why you're alone

look in the mirror

what part of you is remotely attractive?

you soul is just as hideous

you willingly sin and then wonder

'when will it be my turn'

get a grip

you're were always picked last because you refused to improve

now you'll die alone, barely loved

all because you won't practice self-control

you're a weak bitch with nothing to offer

you hide behind laughter and smiles

because facing your reality kills you inside

you don't want to face what you've done

all you do is add another layer of garbage

and hope you don't die in your sleep

[hopeful-dove-eyes]

i'm going to die alone

because honestly

that's what i deserve

i'm not fit to be a help meet

i'm not fit to be a mother

i'm not fit for anything except sin

[hopeful-dove-eyes]

in the grand scheme of things

none of this matters

nothing here matters in eternity

do i spend my life hurting

in order to be happy in eternity

'life is pain, and then you die'

regurgitated slogans tells me yes

that's what Christianity is

[hopeful-dove-eyes]

i'm afraid to ask

i'm afraid to seek

i'm afraid to hear

because

i'm afraid of what i'll have to give up