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hopelessaroace · 2 years

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Every day

Feels like a test,

When you’re always

Second best.

I love you,

But you love me less,

It’s not your fault,

But all I feel is distress.

I try so hard,

Yet he’s still your best,

I’m second, not first,

I’m always less.

Always lonely,

Even when among the rest—

That’s how I know

I’m always second best.

#poetry #original poetry #original poem #poets on tumblr #poets corner #trauma poetry #poems and quotes #female poets #love poem #poetscommunity #trauma poem #breakup #heartbreak #heartbreak poetry #anger poetry

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hopelessaroace · 2 years

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Reaching through the air for you

And missing by an inch,

All I really want

Is for someone to pinch

Me and tell me

That this is all a bad dream,

Cause I can’t help but feel

That you don’t need me.

I feel like I’m sabotaging

What we already had,

But I feel perpetually alone,

And I can’t help but feel sad.

How did we fall

From where we were before,

When were we separated

By an unmovable door?

I just wish you’d

Talk to me more.

#poetry #original poetry #original poem #poets on tumblr #poets corner #poems and quotes #female poets #love poem #poetscommunity #fuck im in love #empty inside #i'm just so tired #i love you #i miss you #please be okay #i’m gonna cry #i’m sorry

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hopelessaroace · 2 years

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I miss you,

I’m sorry for everything

I’ve done that caused you pain,

But it could’ve been anything,

Cause you don’t respond

To my messages asking what’s wrong,

I can’t help but feel like

The bad guy in a stupid love song.

I miss you,

I’m sorry for being so sad,

But I know that you know

We both have days that are bad,

I miss you,

I’m sorry for being so needy,

You are my everything,

Yet I can’t help but feel greedy.

I miss you,

I’m sorry for pushing so much,

I’m just always afraid

I’ll never be enough.

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hopelessaroace · 2 years

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Where are you?

The far side of the world…

Where are you?

In the words you’ve never heard…

Where are you?

Here, there, everywhere…

The wind whispers your name.

I’m so tired of this game.

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hopelessaroace · 2 years

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Narcissus

I hone myself down to the bone.

I am perfect. I am stone.

Cold eyes reaching; white and bright.

I am forever. I am night.

Come adore me. I am here.

I am beauty. I am fear.

In the dark I light the spark.

I am pain.

Come and feel me.

I am fire.

Come and free me.

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hopelessaroace · 2 years

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I can’t help but feel like

You could do better,

Someone who’s happier,

Someone who’s never

Upset all the time,

Who copes with rhymes,

Who cries and sings the same song

In the shower 500 times.

I can’t help but feel like

I’m not good enough to you,

I don’t reach out just to listen

Or say hi to you

Unless I remember, and

I’m not absorbed in myself

I’m no fucking help

To you but I’m trying

It’s just that every day,

I feel like I’m dying

Inside a little bit,

I just wanna quit,

But I can’t leave, or leave you

Cause you’ve done

So much for me and cause

I love you.

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hopelessaroace · 2 years

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Letting you go felt like

like moving out

like graduating

like watching a building finally crumble to Ash after being on fire

for millennia

Letting you go felt like watching the water go down the drain

My tears mixing with the soap

And shampoo

Letting you go

Felt like dying

All my years of sickness evaporated

All my pain gone

All of you

Disappearing

It hurt

But God did it feel good

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hopelessaroace · 2 years

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10.18.21 • visible scars

Crying in the work bathroom praying for my end

Wipe away the tears and paste on a smile

All i did was pretend

Couldnt acknowledge how fucking vile

What was happening to me every night was

Shaking on the side of your bed

Trying to gain control in harm to myself

Screaming words echo in my head

For every cut you inflicted I bled twice

Its been 2 years no contact and I still cry at night

I want to be better and want to not be angry

But its still out of spite

Our sigil burns in my mind and the A’s remain on my breast

And theres a throbbing in my lip still and an ache in my chest

I wish I could bury it and not acknowledge like everyone else

But all I know is feeling everything all at once

And I dont know how to help myself

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hopelessaroace · 2 years

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imagine

my very own mother

she insists that her faults were only slight

she tells me that i can’t possibly imagine

how much worse she had it in the first 20 years of her life

well mom?

do you think you can try imagining too?

imagine the glimpse of terror in your three year old’s eyes

when she gets in trouble for letting the cat out

she gets shoved in a dog kennel and locked there

by the woman you trusted to take care of her

this is the first time she perceives herself outside of her body.

imagine the tears rolling down her cheek

as she hears the television running

behind her godmother’s malicious laugh.

imagine her at the same house a year later

holding back her little sister’s hair when she pukes

she is sleeping next to her even though she’s sick

and trying to be a comfort to her

because the adults don’t care enough

to even let her stay home from her soccer match.

imagine the deepest feeling of gloom and worthlessness

that manifested physically in your six year old,

at her brother’s second birthday party,

at your grandparents house.

the man you sold our first house to wants her to follow him into the bathroom.

her back is pinned to the sink so she is facing the rural-decorated wallpaper.

he tells her, “it will be our little secret"

he lets her walk out and she doesn’t cry,

not until she lays down in her bed.

that man she goes with for a torturous five years

that secret she keeps for a decade.

imagine the adrenaline in her body

when she has to call for help to get your husband,

her dad,

off the floor after he drank himself to his limit

imagine the panic she feels when he tells her

"you’re the only reason i am alive"

twelve year old housewife

taking many trips to the garage

to make sure he is still here

mom, when YOU can try to imagine,

when you can comprehend how my livelihood was compromised

and demolished in just 16 years,

i will reconsider.

until then,

we fill the space with silent car rides

and invalidation and accusation

and violation and avoidance.

you can easily walk in my room without warning

and i know exactly what mode to go into

when i hear the sound of your keys jingling when you get home from work

imagine my emotions in that

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hopelessaroace · 2 years

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I hope you feel

all the pain you caused,

and realize cruelty is all

your love was.

I hope you hate

the person you’ve become,

cause you’re the kind of person

who never should’ve won.

I hope you look

back someday and see

how much you lost

when you destroyed me.

I Hope

I hope you revel In the pain you cause as my heart beats in the clutches of your claws

I hope you enjoy the fear in my eyes, the hate in my heart, as I wish for your demise.

I hope you suffer for all you’ve done When will you see you were the only one having fun

#poetry #poem #hate poem #sad poem #trauma poetry #trauma poem #writing

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hopelessaroace · 2 years

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Letter

As I lay slumped against my bed

In that dark, choked bedroom

My eyes were glued to where you were

My mind was fraying by the neuron

Did you feel joy thinking about me

As much as I felt lost thinking about you?

And confused and scared and angry

And sad and betrayed and cold and

I was draining, exsanguinating

Every beat of my heart bled me drier

My clothes were soaked, and there

I passed in a pool of my own blood

Now there is something missing

I am glad it is gone, truly, but

why didn't I have the choice?

Give it back, you son of a bitch.

I want to feel whole, if but briefly

Now there is something wrong with me

I didn't ask to become like this

Why can't I be a blank slate?

I no longer feel much towards you

But now I feel so much towards me

When I do what must be done

You will perish in my mind at last

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hopelessaroace · 2 years

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i think i should give up on who i am

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hopelessaroace · 2 years

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Generational Trauma

…

A blessing in disguise. Meaning the compromise? Trying to say it’s tough love. But feelings are shoved To the back burner forgotten, Connection rotten. Faking a smile, moving on, Never to be drawn Into each other’s energy, But it’s a sin for me, To protect my well-being, From poisoned words Masquerading as wisdom. Cycle continues in this Garbage system. Not knowing how to drop Living like a doorstop. Preventing damaged walls, But after all, The paper still peels, And reveals, Internal damage.

…

Andi Leigh

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hopelessaroace · 2 years

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my armor has a shaggy coat - r. a. w.

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hopelessaroace · 2 years

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I work and work

To fill the void,

I watch my computer,

Not processing its noise.

All I feel is emptiness,

Nothing really since you’ve left,

Except for anger and pain,

The urge to scream your name,

And the need to tell you how

You’re to blame

For my endless pain.

It doesn’t matter that

It’s been three years,

Those words you’ve said

Still bring tears.

Cause some things leave scars

That don’t heal,

Even when what happens

Feels unreal.

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hopelessaroace · 2 years

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I can’t help but feel like

You could do better,

Someone who’s happier,

Someone who’s never

Upset all the time,

Who copes with rhymes,

Who cries and sings the same song

In the shower 500 times.

I can’t help but feel like

I’m not good enough to you,

I don’t reach out just to listen

Or say hi to you

Unless I remember, and

I’m not absorbed in myself

I’m no fucking help

To you but I’m trying

It’s just that every day,

I feel like I’m dying

Inside a little bit,

I just wanna quit,

But I can’t leave you

Cause you’ve done

So much for me and cause

I love you.

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hopelessaroace · 2 years

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I hate that I thought

I loved you before

When really I was just

Losing the war

We were fighting,

Each day

And each night

And it never went my way.

I always needed less

And you always needed more,

Yet it wasn’t you sobbing

At midnight on the bathroom floor.

You didn’t cry ‘cause

I destroyed your pride,

You didn’t suck it up

Cause I said you were broken inside,

You weren’t afraid cause

I messed with your head,

You weren’t afraid that

I’d wind up dead.

How could you have

Needed me more,

When it was me, not you,

Crying on the floor?

And you shouted all those things daily

That I had to endure?

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