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How to make a three gallon batch of cold brew coffee concentrate (please don’t die)

You will Need:

A big, fuck-off bucket (4 gallon, get food service buckets because a gardening bucket or some shit will make your coffee taste weird). Must be cylindrical. Get one with a lid if possible. If there’s no lid you’ll need saran wrap.

Some variety of round mesh screen (must fit the inside diameter of your bucket, so your bucket can’t taper at the bottom) (you may need to actually make this custom - look for kitchen sifters)

Big, fuck-off coffee filters - food service size, have to be at least as big as the inside diameter of your bucket when you flatten the filter out.

You will also need:

A shitload of whole coffee beans (use something you like; roast doesn’t particularly matter - you can use chocolate raspberry coffee beans or satan’s anus caffeine killer or fuckin starbucks for all I care, this is YOUR three gallons of coffee concentrate, it should taste good to you)

Three gallons of filtered water

A fridge big enough to fit your bucket OR a CLEAN trash can full of ice that will fit your bucket. NOT A FREEZER. YOU DON’T WANT TO WASTE THIS MUCH FUCKIN COFFEE BY FREEZING IT INTO A THIRTY POUND CHUNK OF DISAPPOINTMENT

Either cow insemination gloves or VERY clean hands washed up past your elbows

A cheap one-gallon pitcher. You need one with a spout and a large opening at the top, not like the storage pitchers. Something like this but if  you pay more than three dollars for it I will start manifesting in your house physically. Go to the 99cent store, they’ll have one.

Something store your coffee. I recommend these. You’ll need 4 for this much concentrate. If you make coffee concentrate a lot these will stain like a motherfucker. Accept it.

Rubber bands and regular size coffee filters.

Let’s get started.

1. Coarsely grind 5 pounds of room temperature coffee beans. (Again, please don’t die)

2. Put your ground coffee at the bottom of the bucket.

3. Gently pour your three gallons of filtered water into the bucket.

4. Once the bucket is full flatten out a paper filter and lay it over the top, where the ground coffee should be floating. *GENTLY* pat the filter over the surface until it’s covering the top and uniformly damp.

5. Cover the bucket with the lid or saran wrap and stick it someplace cold for about 18 hours. (Minimum 16, max 24)

6. After its had its time to chill make sure your arms are *really fuckin clean* or put on the livestock gloves. Settle the screen on top of the coffee filter in the bucket.

7. SLOWLY press down on the screen and, keeping it as flat and even as possible, push it down to the bottom of the bucket. Try as much as you can to keep coffee grounds from getting around the filter and the screen.

8. Put a regular size coffee filter over the mouth of each of your storage containers, fold the filters over the lip and rubber band them in place.

9. Pour a portion your coffee concentrate into your wide-mouth pitcher, again trying not to stir up or pour in coffee grounds (you can use something like a large measuring cup as a ladle if you wanna be really careful about it but pouring should work, you’re going to filter again but it’ll be faster if you don’t get grounds mixed in). You’ll have to fill this pitcher multiple times.

10. Fill your storage pitchers by slowly pouring the concentrate through the filters on top. Once your pitchers are full  remove the filters and close the pitchers.

You now have a fuckton of coffee concentrate. It’ll last in the fridge for about two weeks.

Serving suggestion: Use one cup of concentrate and three cups of water to make a nice, smooth, highly caffeinated summer beverage.

Serving warning: You CAN drink this straight, if you want. Try it out in small doses before you have a liter of it and die.

(Play with the water and concentrate levels to figure out what ratio works best for your needs; I tend to go 1:1 but I have a tolerance like you wouldn’t believe. My sister goes 1:5 and it still tastes mostly like coffee)

Now, you may be looking at this unholy amount of coffee concentrate and realizing that you brewed three gallons but that it actually *serves* something like twelve gallons.

Can you drink twelve gallons of coffee in two weeks? Probably not. At least I wouldn’t recommend it. Actually, please don’t.

FREEZE THAT SHIT INSTEAD.

It’ll last essentially forever in the freezer. You can freeze it in bottles OR you can freeze it in cubes. If you freeze cubes here are some probably bad ideas:

Put cubes of coffee concentrate into iced coffee so it gets stronger as it warms up.

BLEND THAT SHIT INTO A FUCKIN SMOOTHIE. YOGURT, PEANUT BUTTER, FROZEN BANANAS, COFFEE CONCENTRATE CUBES, AND A CHOCOLATE DRIZZLE, BE A JUMPY FUCKIN MONKEY

Lov the cronch and just eat coffee cubes

Pour. Alcohol. Over. It. (actually really nice with a white russian or kaluha or malibu rum or amaretto. You’re gonna have the worst fuckin hangover, good luck)

Anyway. That’s how to make a frankly irresponsible amount of coffee.

Please don’t die.

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kimberly marable and t. oliver reid as persephone and hades

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Imagine being famous celebrity Kamilah al Jamil, dying and going to the afterlife, walking into the office of the Architect(s) of your entire afterlife experience, and seeing a framed photo of your long-dead, way less successful sister in said Architect’s office because she and her rando friends reformed the entire afterlife system and are directly responsible for you and everyone else not being tortured by chainsaw bears forever.  How do you even react to that?

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historical padlocks are just great

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Me_irl

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chun wai chan and naazir muhammad on ig

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So I tend to not promote work related stuff here, and I hate to commander someone else's post for work as well, but this is actually applicable. The company I work for created a site for people to post these as well. If anyone is curious feel free to check it out.

https://whenthisisover.com/

my friends and I had a prison-esque “what are you gonna do when you get out” conversation about when quarantine is lifted, mine is going to this fabulous club in Boston that has salsa dancing and the best margaritas in the state, tell me yours in the tags

#finally have my friends over to see my new house #take the weekend trip my boyfriend and i have been planning

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Matching icons for you and the squad

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oh my god yall i was screAMing

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Don’t let them drain your account

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nintendo: can't have alcohol in our child gambling games!!! solution???

vacation juice

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excuse me!! why didn't i know about this!!!

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I was walking through the toy aisle at Target when I found this thing and had a VIOLENT AND IMMEDIATE FLASHBACK to when JP first came out and they had a bunch of REALLY COOL T Rex toys that I would have sold one of my scrawny small-child limbs for but my mother wouldn’t get me one because they were “too violent and also ate people” :(