huoahn

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Here’s my future Keto breakfast menu

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When I was still too mignon to be me

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All I want now

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很卑微也很可笑吧。二十一岁成年后，每次绝望挣扎的时候，觉得生来不易不如松口气的时候，大脑都有一个声音在提醒我，不要做父亲那样的人。而痛恨自己父亲的人，是不能相信天意。

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如果生来没有母亲，会不会重新认识父亲。

而不至于二十五年来，很少觉得父亲和自己有血缘的，幼年模糊的记忆里，也许有过。

但也许他们也许只是不配为人父母的小孩子而已。

可是怎么解释呢，父亲这种可有可无一般，的存在。

无法感受到，父亲，父爱，亲情，就好像隔了一层防弹玻璃。

后来我试着将父亲理解为女人，但仍是生疏。可以是阿姨，但不是母亲。可以是表姐，但不是亲姐姐。

而自己基因里，所有明显得使自己陷入不利境地的因素，又明显来自父亲，它们和母亲迥然不同，时刻提醒着我，父亲的存在，而我是这样憎恨它们。可是自己最讨厌和自己灵魂并不符合的身体与大脑，这样的潜水钟。父亲至今是使我常感到冰海里溺水窒息感。因为他的智力和心理都像十岁的孩子，而母亲大概至少是青少年。

很多人不知道很多次自杀念头，抑郁和吃药，都是父亲和母亲引起的。

而母亲在心理医生面前哭的时候，父亲没有。

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I feel normal now. It’s been almost one month and a half since I stopped working either with sounds in studio or at home. It’s not easy because I’ve rested nothing but my ears, it’s a pro, meanwhile It’s crazy to rewind the hardship and tiredness, even bitter because of the hot weather which I luckily survived, in the end I find myself with less fat and that of breast. However this experience definitely called for some reflection like, did they worth the time, and encore, in the end

1, I fall in love with a young girl who never meet me yet, and her existence puzzled me like, do I love music or do I love the charm of a confident gifted talented lucky well-presented music performer? how faible is my desire for life that I need to keep finding a crush when my addiction to work is interrupted or taking a rest? I potentially feel my status dangerous but I enjoy this pretty much, like lovely crush far far away and one day I could meet her, fancy dream far far away like I am not required to pay for it now.

2, it’s the second year I still find the concentration of anthropology coincidentally and logically meet both my artistic research and musical interests, and it’s not yet the right time to regret that I didn’t move to Paris for the second year in Anthropology of the best program of the nation which admitted me when the tuition was still free because

3. My external hard disk in corrupted state for a week which contained my recent unfinished big projects which took several weeks of continuous commitment for a deadline on 1st August

is confirmed as damaged with the loss of information again this told me exactly what I learnt last year from the severe amnesia that I suffered

Adrian Piper:

Everything

Will be

Taken away

And when this severe loss loss of my life happen I again different from last year I had been actively seeking those old already there psyeudo loves back by forgetting all the bad and I wished to give up enough interests of my own life to become worth loving’ I was still pathetically naive

Now I decide to try my best takes all my energy to respect and love myself and to be as selfish as it needs

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Music is my believe

Too

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is there any paper book of music/sounds essays in English in my room?

nope

it’s weird 

and finally, I remember Kindle

it’s English reading time now