i-am-stardust - Tumblr blog

i-am-stardust · 2 years

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Everything is cold,

And I am tired.

-S.J.L

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i-am-stardust · 3 years

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reminisce the falsified

road stretching endless into space,

that isn't far away.

.

keep checking time and checking hands,

vague memories of today.

.

most recollections blurry, but

remembered with a smile.

.

it slowly fades when you see that

your mind's been lying for a while.

.

think back on happy times, forget

the evidence, they weren't.

.

journal entries, texts, and pictures,

some things are't concurrent.

.

time spent saying to yourself, "it

must get better again."

.

again implies there was a time

that "better" settled in.

.

well, maybe foggy memories,

are what you'll always need.

.

if you could see it clearly you

would fear the place it leads.

.

the hunch you'd be directionless,

if you could really know.

.

there has never been a better,

and you can never go.

.

not meant for you and you can't lean

on friends to get you there.

.

that pulling people down with you,

is not, nor will be fair.

.

must swallow hope, it tastes too sweet;

wash down with any vice.

.

so bite your tongue and settle in,

can't pay the entry price.

.

road stretching endless into space,

you've reached a fork again.

.

can't go that way, they'll go down too,

keep walking down the lane.

-S.J.L

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i-am-stardust · 3 years

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muddled

days blur together as time’s swallowed away,

an empty fifth in the freezer tells me a week has passed.

.

memories blur somehow worse than before,

this time by the fault of my own.

.

I use an empty liter to mark the weeks now,

this is more taxing than it used to be.

-S.J.L

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i-am-stardust · 3 years

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stovetop stomach acid

boiling fluid clawing at the lining,

as everything sets in for the fifth time today.

.

fetal position on the bed,

the burning rises to my mouth.

.

push it down,

push everything down.

don’t open your mouth,

you know what will happen.

.

clenched teeth in a sore jaw,

filing them down to the gum.

pavlov yourself into lockjaw,

if someone asks remind yourself they’re not your janitor.

.

clean up your own sick.

-S.J.L.

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i-am-stardust · 3 years

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-so here i stand, letting maggots eat my brain with hornets in my bloodstream. a living carcass, buried above ground.

S.J.L.

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i-am-stardust · 3 years

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and then the static returned, quieter this time, but still buzzing away.

like a swarm of those annoying little flys that live by creeks.

they hang around your head until you finally get far enough away.

i don’t see a body of water anywhere near me, so why are they flying around my head?

what should i be doing differently so they finally leave me alone?

-S.J.L

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i-am-stardust · 3 years

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umbra

dragged from the darkness,

it followed wherever she went.

.

“you need to step out more often,

the sun doesn’t see you enough.”

.

her skin grew warm,

the dark started to seep outward.

.

“i can’t, i’ll poison it.”

plants sank under the weight of her shadow.

.

they shook their head, eyes cast downward

they couldn’t see the rays start to rot

.

“don’t become your ghost,

it follows but can’t touch you without invite.”

.

umbra spread up their legs to their chest, they didn’t know it had asked a while back.

they couldn’t have known she had let it in.

.

“the suns too good to look me in the eye,

its morals can’t withstand decay.”

.

she drew away from them and into herself,

into the black from whence she came.

.

when she clutched her shadow close,

she could almost mistake her burning chest for the warmth of the sun.

if she listened even closer,

she could almost mistake her heartbeat for theirs.

-S.J.L.

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i-am-stardust · 4 years

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How sweet it is,

To be the color of the moon,

For just a little while.

.

To resonate dissonance into the night,

Without anyone having to hear.

Dark enough to pretend your shadow isn’t there.

.

Leaving yourself in the wake of each step.

Away from the ground and towards the starry velvet,

Until you’re so far away that it’s quiet enough,

.

To rest.

-S.J.L.

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i-am-stardust · 4 years

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I told her,

“I think I’m about numb to okay right now.

Or maybe I’m happy I can’t be sure.

If this is happiness it’s kind of underwhelming.”

.

A smile that didn’t quite reach my eyes,

And whatever laugh I was using that day followed.

.

She told me,

“I think that’s all we can hope to be probably”

She smiled folding her clothes.

“I think I’m doing fine right now,

but I may be about to have a mental breakdown.”

.

Described her stomach ache to me,

The lump in her throat.

“Maybe I’m just hungry,

I think I’ve forgotten to eat much today.”

.

Relayed what she’d eaten,

not nearly enough.

She goes to make some more food,

I hang up and procrastinate sleep.

.

I told myself,

“Maybe you’re just overthinking.”

There’s gotta be more than this.

“This is probably what happiness is.”

I feel like I’m walking in a dream today,

Gravity feels stronger, my feet are going through the sidewalk.

“You’re definately overthinking.”

.

Today feels like sadness circa three years ago,

Not better or worse,

Just different.

-S.J.L.

#sad #depressed #depression #anxious #anxiety #disassociation #depersonalization #poem #poet #new poem #original poem #original post #numb #numbness #spilled ink #new poets society #poems #sadness

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i-am-stardust · 4 years

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A lucid pile of dirty laundry on the bedroom floor. It keeps turning up the music so it can't hear what it's really thinking.

S.J.L.

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i-am-stardust · 4 years

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Things I’ll do till we hug again

FaceTime often

Text you even more often

Add songs to your playlist

Listen to the one you made me

Look forward to every midnight talk

Consider walking to Kansas

Click on your picture on hangouts

Hide my face when I’m flustered

Say hello to your cat

Pass your greetings on to mine

Try my darnedest to make you smile

Wish on dandelions harder than ever

Think about the night before the world stoped turning

Try to learn how to time skip

I’ll see you on the astral plane until then

-S.J.L.

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i-am-stardust · 4 years

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Forecasted

Magenta cuts through the clouds,

Rain beads, tension breaks.

.

The streaks fade as everything does,

But the rain lingers on.

.

Wiping droplets from my face,

I realize I can’t control the weather.

.

Better learn to dance before I drown,

Thunderstorms are rolling in.

-S.J.L.

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i-am-stardust · 4 years

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a world in two dimensions

my eyes won’t focus.

scanning what’s in front of me,

there’s nothing real enough to hold onto.

.

my gaze locks on my hand,

the only thing close enough to existing

that I can convince myself it’s real.

.

but the longer I look, the faster it fades.

headlights driving towards me turn into ankle weights,

but as they pass I float away again.

.

football field in the distance,

i lose track of the year.

i always knew I really died at 16.

.

i’m either a ghost walking these streets,

or it’s the other way around.

there’s blood in my nail beds from trying to ground myself.

.

if I close my eyes maybe everyone will fade away.

if I close my eyes maybe I’ll fade too.

if I close my eyes maybe my eyelids will be close enough to focus on.

.

moonlight drips from the sky,

and the road grows longer the faster I try to get home.

there’s blood in my nail beds from trying to ground myself.

.

sometimes it works,

.

but not tonight.

-S.J.L

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i-am-stardust · 4 years

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i'd rather be happy than be able to write sad poetry.

S.J.L.

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i-am-stardust · 4 years

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my head turns from a balloon to a bowling ball at the drop of a hat. now i can't carry it far enough to even get out of bed.

S.J.L.

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i-am-stardust · 4 years

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waterbed

tired and distant,

huddled under all the blankets i can find.

i hug my pillow to my chest,

holding onto it as tightly as i would a life buoy.

i’m drowning in this bed.

caught in rip currents

pulling me down into thoughts i

thought i’d swam much farther away from.

an abyss where the frigid water

numbs everything more and more

the longer you’re stuck there.

its keeps getting harder to find the motivation

to swim up.

its so cold i’m starting to mistake it for warmth,

and beginning to forget

i know what the real thing feels like.

my grasp that everything hasn’t always

been numb like this

keeps loosening with each wave

crashing over my bobbing head.

i hug my pillow to my chest and wish it was you instead,

or at least wishing it was something warmer than this.

-S.J.L.

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i-am-stardust · 4 years

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dramatic irony

when my tv static chest starts to quiet down,

it never stays that way.

i either start to want more than i can have or

whatever was turning the volume down gets taken away.

it's like watching a tv series where i’m the side character.

the comic relief and the joke is how ironic it is,

that i can get so close to finding a way to press mute

but never quite being able to bring myself to do so.

either that or the remote gets taken away,

usually due to fault of my own.

always due to fault of my own.

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