i-am-very-very-shy

[i-am-very-very-shy]

all old people are confused 100% of the time— mage, lying

Their current problem was easily summed like so: “He’s definitely fucking with us,” said Mask decisively, with what was either extreme judgement or deep admiration, it was hard to tell.

“Of course he is,” said Mirror, only nominally trying not to laugh, “but the real question is, how we can stop him?”

“I think it’s actually if we can stop him,” Wolf said, and they all paused to acknowledge the gravity of this truth before turning to observe their current foe.

Technically, it was just Mage, doing what Mage usually did when he had nothing better to do. Loft took another brief moment to be grateful that he had, as of yet, managed to evade War’s fate in being the magician’s eternal punchline.

Under normal circumstances, Loft— or anyone else willing to get between the two of them, really, but usually it was Loft— could just nudge them into separate corners, and that would be that.

Except—

“Oh dear,” said the elderly man as War’s hair bloomed abruptly into rainbow flowers and the captain’s face darkened even further, “I wasn’t expecting that.”

Circumstances were, as it happened, very soundly not normal.

The wizened figure once again stooped muttering over his book while Mini transparently considered stealing his staff (for the third time; this was not to be helpful in any capacity, as the other two attempts had resulted in War’s cloak spitting out probably every bird in a three mile radius and his boots turning into fish, respectively), and Loft had to admit he had no idea what to do here.

Mage was hard enough to deal with when Loft knew what he was dealing with. When he was, dubiously and through unconfirmed means, either transformed into or replaced with his far older self… Loft was very much out of his depth.

“We could ask him nicely,” Wake suggested airily, intentionally unhelpful from the back of their huddle. Loft tried to keep himself from making a face. As soon as the older version of Mage had opened his mouth, the pirate had widened his eyes and made himself scarce. He'd clearly decided it was in his best interests to let whatever this was run its course— and admittedly that was a tempting tactic, for all that it wasn’t actually an option.

“We could maybe get Mini to distract him,” Slate mused, eyeing the increasingly chaotic trio from atop the tree the rest of them were taking shelter under.

They all watched Mini make another grab at the staff, the little one smiling as it produced its own set of flowers while War’s hair showered him in small and apparently very delicate berries, and looked back at Slate doubtfully. He shrugged, tearing his eyes from the now cheerfully dyed and otherwise apoplectic War to grin down at them.

“Well, it would work if he wanted it to.”

“We could probably ask Mini nicely,” Spirit suggested, which Loft thought might actually be closer to an achievable goal, except unfortunately it necessitated one of them approaching Mini. And, by extension, Mage.

The fish that had once been War’s boots started to sing in harmony as Mini poked them with the staff experimentally, so Loft was absolutely not getting anywhere near that thing. He looked at Mirror, who immediately shook his head.

“Nope,” he said, crossing his arms, “can’t help you there. Anything I did to distract either of them would probably just make it worse.”

“I mean,” said Mask after a minute, tilting his head as Mini blithely handed the staff back to Mage and the flowers withered off, “I don’t think we can really make it worse. The soldier’s as annoyed as he can get already."

And yes, that did seem to be the case. War— freshly dyed, hair pecked into a nearly literal bird's nest, still wearing the singing fish he evidently couldn't remove— undoubtedly would have stormed off on his own, if it weren’t for the original mishap Mage was “trying to fix.”

Loft would like to avoid having everything he touched turn into turnips, personally.

“I meant worse for me,” said Mirror, which— fair. That was basically what Loft had just been thinking too, after all.

“Why don’t we ignore him?” Wolf asked wearily, straightening from where he was leaning against the tree and rubbing his eyes. The morning’s commotion had gotten them all up a little earlier than they were comfortable with, at best. “It’s probably not helping that we’re hiding over here giving him a captive audience, anyway.”

“I’ll go look for breakfast,” Wake offered, unrepentantly seizing the chance to flee. Before anyone could stop him, he grabbed Mask and darted off.

The remaining few of them exchanged glances.

“It’s my turn to cover up the latrine,” said Mirror promptly, which was information Mirror had literally never willingly volunteered in his life, and ran away also.

Slate had vanished sometime in the thirty seconds Loft hadn’t been paying attention to him. 

Loft looked at Spirit.

“Sorry,” said the engineer, patting his shoulder sympathetically, before he turned and walked into the trees without further comment.

Loft turned to look at where Wolf had been, and met only empty space.

“Fuck,” said Loft quietly, with great feeling, and then, for lack of any other plan, walked over to Mini and Mage.

Worst case scenario, he supposed he could always just start crying.

#tiny fic #bonus links #rip war mage hasn't seen you in a while. this is his last hurrah he's gotta pull out all the stops #loft is like hey. that may not even be mage. we can't just let this happen. we don't know anything about what's going on. #this is a problem!!!! and even if it is mage. we should figure out what's going on instead of letting him prank war into oblivion #everyone else is just like. evil bugs bunny meme. YOUR problem. #wake making eye contact with a god of chaos: this is not a place of honor. no highly esteemed deed is commemorated here. #i'm out ✌️

[i-am-very-very-shy]

i am once again Thinking

yknow, i feel like mirror would have some success in mage wrangling, but also not Enough. like. i think he would fall prey a little to the idea that mage was not generally legitimately committing to any bit (discluding the War Crimes), and that a lot of his behaviors™️ were just. for the most part him doing his best with things, and putting a funny spin on it in post. sort of overcorrect re: Joakes because like, who would do stuff like that on purpose, right? but in actuality.

mirror: oh my gods ur hand???? what happened????? do you not know a spell or have anything for that do you need a potion????????

mage who honestly forgot about it: oh huh. yeah i do have a spell specifically for this. *confetti replaces the blood*

mirror: w. what is that

mage: confetti

mirror: do. do you know a healing spell?

mage: yeah

mirror: can you. use it????

i feel like he is both #just doing things and committing to random bits 100% of the time. these truths unfortunately can coexist.

meanwhile war in that same situation: drink this potion and also don't cut vegetables when you're not paying attention what is wrong with you. why for the love of fuck would you just leave your fingers like that

mage drinking the potion: pain is an illusion and so is death

war, leaving: i don’t even know why i bother

vastly different openings for shenanigans. life is a comedy routine and mage is taking the stage. whether that's a smart thing to do or not lmao like. dealing with problems in a reasonable manner would not be a particularly strong point for someone who doesn't really care about most things, i think.

mage when he is doing something that causes him harm: hm. maybe i should try to mitigate that damage actually

also mage: if i run into this brick wall hard enough it'll probably break

and he isn't wrong! Don't Do That Though!

mirror for whom self preservation is Kind Of Important, having a realization: ..... hey mage. how did you do some of the research for this, actually

mage who definitely blew up/poisoned/more or less cursed himself more times than he bothered to keep track of: perseverance

#incoherent mumbling #bonus links #mage with the this action will have consequences warning: that sign won't stop me because i can't read #and also: huh. wonder who that's for #rip mirror i believe in u. just start kicking him in the shin. call mini over. no quarter no mercy no surrender #resolving the issue of giving someone both too little and too much credit... tough #i think after a while he would be very good at it tho. ruthless #also i still like the idea that mini becomes all powerful because no one bothers to make sure that doesn't happen #like i like to believe no one will ever really tell him no about things. he's invincible he's irrepressible he'll never be refused #trump card #shadow leader. mr final say. he vetoes something and everyone is like well guess we literally have no other option but to do something else #anyway #i don't think about mirror enough mirror is very funny. #he could also probably get away with A Lot. like. an unholy amount. and no one would ever know #mirror noticing that everyone but especially war is wholly distracted by mage's perpetual three ring circus: hm. interesting. #hey mini wanna commit secret crimes with me #mini who is always down for 1) crimes and 2) sharing his immunity: (: #wake in the background Perceiving: and i thought MY crew was chaotic. hey mask cmere there's dinner and a show #oh huh y’know. if wake and/or mirror helped war i think he would have Vastly fewer problems. #unfortunately for war he is the only person who would willingly subject himself to cat herding. rip to him but they're built different #they simply say no thanks #this got so long im so sorry lmao. i just thought about the confetti thing and spiraled out of control #edit: THE DOODLE AJSJSHSKSB

[i-am-very-very-shy]

HAHAHAHAHA

post-coma. i was thinking.

so. y'know how war and mini are shithead brothers. up to this point, mage has kind of put himself in a position that's not like, really on fair, equal footing with everyone. he's kinda been Aloof And Unknowable, even with or honestly a little exacerbated by Joakes. but. after. like once there's the realization that, oh dang, the magician Has Problems. that's a human person.

war, suddenly discovering he's protective of mage also now: goddesses and all the little spirits, what have i become

*banging of the gavel* they're friends your honor. war can finally have his revenge. Bullying For The Greater Good continues.

war: have you been sleeping?

mage, who knows war knows the answer is "not really": no.

war: you're going to fry your brain. go lay down.

mage, nerd unto the end: that's not how—

war: fascinating and also i don't care. i will ask mini to sit on you don't test me

mage:

mage, just face planting onto the ground:

war: stop that

everyone else: what the fuck is happening

as it turns out all Mage Wrangling requires is 1) gently ignoring (or, well, first recognizing, and then ignoring) all of his bullshit and 2) talking to him like a person. efficacy and Time Required may vary but i feel like w war it's like. yeah. ok that's fair. what goes around comes around or whatever.

both of them: that guy is the worst

anyone else: correct

also both of them: say that again. see what happens.

bonus:

mirror in the background: does this mean it's my turn to execute some convoluted machinations because i have some ideas

#bonus links #incoherent mumbling #i now have a universal shithead brother agenda #i mean i sort of always did but. Its Growing #people knowing things about you isn't the end of the world actually. in fact that's what friends are. crazy #edit: JSKAHSBAV i was so busy yesterday wait. i missed this but i love them. #wolf: of course the magician is a person! a scary person. nose goes goodbye #meanwhile loft: y'know what????? y'know what???????? he is just Some Guy. i'm a guy! i'm some!!! that's the spirit king. rip tho

[i-am-very-very-shy]

I’m at work but I just had the thought that. mage Has Feelings abt the royal guard/knights of hyrule. and like. not good ones. that means when they first meet war would NOT pass the vibe check. it’s possible project Psychological Warfare For The Good Of The Team starts out just bc mage legitimately wants to make his life hard SKDHDJ anyway I’ll have more thoughts when I get home bye

#rb #DJSGAJWVDKNW #mage swapping out his cartoon villain mustache for the clown nose: it's a good thing i never make mistakes and do everything on purpose #psychological WARfare (for the good of the team??) worked on Me so. just dial it up to 3000. that should be fine. #probably get every one else board with that. #he's evil he's devious he's the hero of legend

[i-am-very-very-shy]

ok i'm thinking about war now.

or i mean. i've been thinking about war but. Wait There's More (there's always more).

a suspicion that's been slowly taking shape in my brain is that war is bad at being friends with people. mostly because that is of course funny and i am a proud patron of any circus, but also because it doesn't seem like he has a significant amount of Actual Friends or Real (Low-Stakes) Friendship Experience.

specifically i think like. sometimes trusting people who are nice to you is harder. knife emoji WHAT'S YOUR GAME, PAL. solution: just. don't be nice. the Get War To Lighten Up A Little, Maybe agenda perseveres in ceaseless and widespread bullying.

also tho spirit being his favorite..... nice boy. polite lad. Smart. he builds fucked up spider trains (etc) with mini but everyone has their faults. i too would probably trust him with most things.

war just vibing with spirit: peace at last

spirit: i am so sorry to tell you this but mini is coming to tinker with me in like five minutes and you're probably going to hate it

war, leaving: i hate everything, actually

but he doesn't. he doesn't hate everything. f is for friends who do stuff together

this also makes him being #confirmed friends with mirror really good. they trade eye liner tips. they have stitch and bitch sessions. mirror plays him all the time re: mage and mini and he's just like. life is endless suffering. but being teased by people who actually like you (and. who you actually like) is not at all like chronic political back stabbing/maneuvering. how to mend Some Guy's trust issues: in fact betray him literally constantly, but it doesn't matter at all and also it's fun.

mirror patting his arm after he gets covered in slime from a slime trap: these things happen sometimes

war: you literally walked me into this

mirror: what? me? yeah lmao i totally did. stop stealing my needles, it's not my fault you keep breaking yours. what are you mending, rocks? no wait you can't be mad at me mini worked hard on this

also wait the idea of anyone but specifically mr. terrible bastard man hiding behind mini sometimes is now living in my head rent free forever. war whenever people are pissed off at him, especially but not limited to mage: hey mini, kiddo chum little buddy of mine, wanna go make some candy

mini, who is fully aware of what's going on but 1) is invincible with the others and will happily abuse his powers 2) will 100% be using this opportunity for Calculated Hijinks; the team will be way less mad at war if mini sticks him in a giant jello cube, probably. The Greater Good etc and 3) yes he does want to go make some candy thank you: :)

the relationships of Fancy Man are now hilarious to me under this lens. you have to obfuscate him into having friends. if you aren't even a little mean to him (even before the psychological WARfare) he's like. what the fuck is happening. what trap is this. no one's nice to me being likable is for suckers. there is possibly the sole exception to this, but in my heart i believe spirit is also mean to him. he's just apologetic and/or less obvious about it. or— really, actually, being nice to war equates to putting a "kick me" sticky note on his back. if you think about it. like. Prickly. he will trust you more if you do your worst and your worst is..... an ugly turnip.

mage's tangled web of clownery part 37: get war the feral hamster™️ to accept kindness by disguising it as Being Mean.

war, a perpetual cog in the machinations of others, currently inside a jello cube: another day in paradise

#bonus links #incoherent mumbling #i love how i was like I'm Not Going To Use This Blog and instead i'm busting through the wall like the kool aid man every 15 minutes. #war still isn't my favorite but he is a solid 2nd place. i want to punt him like a football #a family can be a bunch of guys who need therapy and a goblin child who is growing too powerful #thinking of everyone going home after Everything is also funny. what changes have they wrought on each other. does war prank his zelda #also i am still thinking about mage's temporary coma. rip adjajdg #also. does mage. do things while everyone is asleep?? like. is it like #''hey how come there's no coffee'' ''what do you mean there's no coffee don't you usually make it'' ''no i thought you made it'' ''''Oh.'''' #but anywau that possibility aside. #he's not in charge of anything. he is just sitting there. but also: #''​well what do you do when i'm gone?'' ''wait for you to come back :('' #cannot wait for war to be like. Time To Take Your Own Medicine Old Man post the coma thing. #mage deserves to be bullied. uno reverse card but this time It's Super Effective #edit: pls feel free to use any of my posts (or not!!) for anything this is ur house im a grackle in the tree outside that keeps coming back #just to chatter incessantly. lov if im being helpful

[i-am-very-very-shy]

WAIT NO I HAVE THE SOLUTION

ITS WAR WHO DOES THE CANDY BUT EVIL AS A TRAP (just like. Essence Of Lemon probably but Still). only once tho rip war mage will at least give u a good funeral after he kills u w one look

BUT CONSIDER: mini likes sour candy. he's Child Putting An Inadvisable Amount of Warheads Into His Mouth. he looks war in the eyes while he eats the essence of lemon demon candy. war is utterly defeated and also mage still kills him with one look for the intent

#sjsvfadags #ok copping to these also in the name of Condensing My Nonsense sorry #new game: war feeding mini increasingly terrible things as extremely ineffective counter pranks at first and then just. #out of fascinated horror. will mini eat a ghost pepper (equivalent) candy???? he has to know #mini builds contraptions with spirit comes up with chaos magic with mage and makes The Worst Candy In The World w war. #slate is in the background of all of these things blithely handing out supplies #absolutely hilarious how mini is just. an epicenter of chaos being enabled by literally everyone #tysm for the Candy Chronicles i will stop now i'm done #Maybe #wait. lmao. mage being dethroned as epicenter of chaos: *single dramatic tear* i'm so proud #wait. ajsbahvwsj #That's Another Question #WAIT. war accidentally eating the Evil Trap Candy: instant self-ko. immediately robbed by mini #WAIT. war using the evil candy for actual evil: here u go random person i don't like. i made it myself :) #social trap. is he just bad at making it. is it an acquired taste. he just ate like 3 of them. U Can't Spit Things Out In Court #Can You Tell The War Hero His Confectionery Skills Are Shit #some day i'll stop talking. #BUT NOT TODAY #war reluctantly liking some of the evil candy: this is a betrayal of all that is good and right in the world #mini with chipmunk cheeks‚ who can now prank war while honoring the sanctity of candy at the same time: :) #the ghost of wolf in the background: you guys are going to get so many cavities please. where is all the sugar coming from #hilarious group project: a candy making machine that can also make some of them magic #with their powers combined........ #mirror making candy bags for everyone: this is going to end so badly lmao #willy wonka whom. #rb #incoherent mumbling #bonus links #this was smart i kept going.

[i-am-very-very-shy]

this is so stupid forgive me

[edited version on ao3]

"How’s about we just,” said Wake, shouldering in cheerfully between the bickering parties and nudging them apart, “go back to camp? Doesn’t that sound nice? I remember when we were doing that, not even five minutes ago.”

As he was talking, he tugged Mask further back, and Wolf did the same with Loft, hissing furiously at him.

“I know you two don’t get along,” Wake said in his own low voice while Mask shrugged him off, not meeting his eyes, “but—”

Before he could continue, an odd series of shouting and choking noises made them turn to face the other two, who on first inspection at least seemed fine. Whatever they were crouching over, however, was apparently captivating enough that they were now just staring at it in frozen silence.

“What have you got there?” Wake couldn’t keep himself from asking, raising an eyebrow as they turned to show him identical expressions of bemused horror.

Wolf stood and mutely held out the object he and Loft had found.

It was a turnip. A blue turnip, but a turnip nevertheless.

Except now Mask was also choking, clapping a hand over his mouth to hide the better part of his reaction, so maybe Wake was missing something.

“Give it here,” said Wake, holding out a hand, and instead of tossing it Wolf and Loft came to solemnly pass it over. Once he had it turned over in his hands, Wake realized why.

The turnip had a face.

And the face bore a more than passing resemblance to War, though there was some distortion from the root’s natural wrinkles, and also from the fact that it appeared to be screaming.

They all clustered around it, argument entirely forgotten.

“You don’t think—” started Loft nervously after a moment, glancing up at them and then back down as he poked it, “I mean. He wouldn’t actually.....”

Wolf made a dubious sound, prodding carefully at it along with him, and Wake reluctantly had to agree with that sentiment.

They'd seen War not too long ago, when he’d exasperatedly tasked everyone with tracking down Slate before wandering off himself, but....

“It could just be a turnip,” Mask offered, falling just short of successful indifference.

“A blue turnip? With a face?” said Loft, and before that could get started again, Wake interrupted, “Sure. It would make more sense if someone just changed a normal turnip into this than....”

He couldn’t quite finish that thought, though. There was another pause.

“They wouldn’t,” Wolf said after another several beats, “right?”

The turnip seemed to glare accusingly at them.

Wake had to admit to himself he couldn't, just then, say he was very certain of what the magician would or would not do, and Mini was an equally if not more unknown quantity.

And the little one was, after all, still learning magic, so it could have been an accident.

“Probably not,” said Wake, not as decisively as he would have liked. His usual cheer rang a little false even to him. He pulled out from the circle and started marching determinedly towards camp anyway. “But only one way to find out!”

“Wait,” said Wolf, belatedly swiping for the turnip, but Wake easily dodged him.

“What?” he said, dancing out of range and grinning as he waved his prize, “Do you have a better idea? Something we can do about this, one way or another?”

“Well,” started Loft, with the air of someone who was about to propose something that would give War, Goddesses grant him peace in his next life, a minor aneurysm, but he didn’t get any farther.

“Do about what?” signed Mage, appearing to have materialized amidst them, though in reality he must have just heard the initial commotion and walked over.

The camp wasn't very far away, after all, Wake reflected with a suppressed wince. Hopefully Mage hadn't heard their suspicions about—

Wake instinctively hid the turnip behind his back when Mage glanced over, and Mask, who had been trailing behind him, sidled closer.

“Nothing,” said Loft and Wolf at once, extremely un-suspiciously, of course, and not at all like two children who had just been caught by their parent. Mage regarded them all in patient silence, which served to jolt Wake out of his own hand-in-the-cookie-jar reaction. He reminded himself sternly that he had, actually, literally just been going to ask Mage about it anyway.

He presented the turnip to the magician with a flourish, causing his expression to do something, though it was too fast for Wake to say what, exactly— much less guess at what the reaction could mean.

Mask surreptitiously elbowed him in the side, but it was too late to take it back now. And what else were they supposed to do, anyway? Wake definitely didn’t know how to tell if it was just a turnip or not, much less have any idea what to do if it wasn’t— and he seriously doubted that the rest of them had any more of a clue. He was actually somewhere around completely certain that whatever Loft's idea was would have been fun, but profoundly ill-advised and definitely ineffectual, at best.

“I see,” said Mage, breaking into Wake's minor spiraling, and then he took the turnip and started walking back in the direction of camp.

Wake shrugged at the myriad of looks everyone sent him and followed, ignoring his own faintly chaotic feelings.

Even if Mage had done it— and he really probably hadn’t— surely it wouldn’t be permanent. He'd just undo it, right?

They all trooped back and arrived to see the turnip perched conspicuously on War’s bedroll, with Mage settled under a tree and reading like he’d been there all day.

“So,” said Mirror, popping into their group, “where did you all get that horrible thing?”

“We don’t..... know,” said Wolf, eyes shooting between Mage and the turnip, and Loft said quietly, “You haven’t seen War recently, have you?”

Mirror rolled his eyes, snorting, and then stopped when he saw that Loft wasn’t joking.

“Wait,” he said, his surprise making Wake feel significantly more sure of himself, “you don’t think—”

“Of course not,” interrupted Mask, drawing himself up while he walked over to his own corner of camp and plopping himself down, clearly communicating that he had decided they were being ridiculous, and that he wasn’t going to take part in it any further.

“Right,” said Wolf, still watching the turnip warily, though his shoulders relaxed a little. “Of course not.”

“Oh, good,” gasped Spirit, suddenly bursting in from the trees and immediately drawing all of their attention, “you’re all here. War—”

He was cut off by Slate bowling him over, Mini stumbling close on his heels, and everyone in the circle exchanged varyingly alarmed glances.

And then War, covered in mud and scowling, squelched in, so that answered that question, Wake thought with satisfaction. They all relaxed again.

“Sorry,” said Slate, also covered in mud, grinning as he pulled Spirit and Mini up while War made a beeline for his bag. Then suddenly the captain stopped.

He slowly turned to Mage. “Why?” he asked tiredly, and Mage looked up from his book with obvious amusement.

“They found it,” he said, tipping his head to Wake and the others, who all shifted nervously. “They thought it looked like you.”

Mask snorted from where he was digging in his own things, and Wake grinned at War, trying not to dwell too long on the fact that Mage definitely knew what they had suspected him of doing.

“We couldn’t leave you laid out alone on the ground, y’know,” he said, and War gave him a disgusted look.

“Ha,” he said flatly, turning away from all of them and walking the rest of the way to his things, knocking the turnip over as he pulled out a change of clothes.

Mirror snatched it from where it rolled on the ground and walked over to Mini, now sitting with Mage. He immediately started to whisper at the little one, head cocked; Wake guessed that very soon he was going to confirm where their new friend had come from. Wake looked back over at Wolf and Loft. “So,” he said, grin widening, and Wolf flapped a hand at him before walking over to Slate and Spirit. Loft looked embarrassed.

“It was just,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck, “they’ve been messing with each other so much recently,” and Wake got it, really. He’d seriously considered that it had escalated to someone being turned into a literal vegetable, too.

But Loft didn’t need to know that.

“Yeah,” he said, winking, “it was bound to happen eventually. Cap, I’m gonna go find some firewood,” and War made a sound of acknowledgement, but Wake had been talking to the turnip.

Mirror caught his eye and smiled mischievously, holding it up to him from next to Mini. “You should take War with you, to help him clean up.”

War turned to them, mouth open to retort, and then snapped it shut as he saw Wake head over to take the proffered vegetable. The captain glared at Mirror, Wake, and then Mage, the latter presumably just for good measure.

“Great idea,” said Wake, whistling as he darted over the last of the distance to grab it, before War decided to set it on fire. “C’mon, War, let’s go.”

“I hate all of you,” declared War, his voice fading behind Wake as the pirate rapidly retreated into the shade, “so much.”

"Who said that?" asked Slate.

"Especially you," said War.

"He doesn't know how good he has it," Wake said to the turnip, patting it while he trotted along. "He could've been you."

#bonus links #tiny fic #i don't even have an excuse really #the turnip was mini's doing he just. forgot about it sksjjsv. how can he be expected to remember every chaotic thing he produces #mage when slate puts the turnip in the stew and everyone is crying that war was murdered while war tells all of them to shut up: #sometimes i can still hear his voice

[i-am-very-very-shy]

Blue Root Unknown Artist 15th Century

#rb #AJDLSFKGDJFGLS #its face...... #hang on stand by i just had the dumbest idea #i apologize in advance

[i-am-very-very-shy]

i make a liar out of myself every 5 minutes. that's a rock fact.

multi-purpose clownery......

war, serious soldier fancy man, who is kind of stuck in a political quagmire most of the time and therefore resigned to people having Opinions about him: *does nothing but Try His Best when everyone is suspicious of/dislikes him based on vibes*

mage, solemnly putting on his clown wig and nose: i have a sacred duty to fulfill here

war could also do literally anything other than allow this to happen. that's my favorite part. like even if he's intimidated by mage a little he could still get mad! be mean or standoffish! stop accepting everything mini hands him! be like "seriously can you fucking not"! the effectiveness of the Clown Campaign i think would hinge on the fact that war is very long-suffering about it. john mulaney voice "this might as well happen." if his only retaliation is half-hearted and ineffective counter pranks at mage or attempting to make a gotcha work.... how can you hate a dude who lets a teenager (and his unhinged wizard mentor) torment him and mostly only sighs about it. you can't. that's really funny. especially when by him being like "please help me" you can go "no<3," and then he doesn't do anything about that, either. especially when he's literally a soldier skabahab. like. ah. recalibrating.

but also. getting war to even approach setting up a prank is like, a pretty hefty accomplishment, i would think. mage, rolling up his sleeves: hm you seem to be not silly at all. *a wrestling bell dings in the distance* but if you want to survive You Will Be

and then like, the whole "what's part of the bit and what isn't" thing. if mage doesn't remember something or has to stare at a wall for a while or can't move or do very much for various reasons, just slap a jokey veneer over it. or even just "hey can you-" "no." "why are you like this." he's like a cat, that's all. there is no deeper meaning. he simply does what he wants.

if you can't be competent all the time, having a jester outfit on standby is the best cover story. "mage if you pull out your sword can you actually use it a fight is not the time to do a gag" "look stop walking into stuff we get it you don't want first watch you're gonna hurt yourself at this point" "you literally just told me the opposite thing yesterday nice try i'm wise to your ways" yes these are also all bits that are on purpose. everything mage does is intentional all the time. if it's not practical it's for chaos. keeps you on your toes. what do you mean that's suspicious.

he wasn't paying attention, he's kidding, he doesn't remember what he said because he was making it up, etc etc. the perpetual deadpan expression can sell or disguise almost anything as long as you spin it right. so what if it's hiding things? the inner machinations of his mind are an enigma and you don't want to know. in fact i'll tell you what he's hiding: a pull my finger phase. do you want to release that nightmare into the world again? no? stop asking questions. you're poking a bear that might growl or throw a pie at you depending on forces you can't even fathom. the pie possibly could turn you into a turnip, you don't know. you just don't know.

war, sort of in charge of everyone's everything, which includes to an extent keeping tabs on their wellbeing: what, mage? have i not suffered enough? he's fine, he can take care of himself, obviously. i never thought i would say this while traveling, but i do not need another bath. i just leave him alone mostly

#incoherent mumbling #bonus links #im so sorry many thoughts about this. #i also think mage and war being friends but war will never admit it is hilarious. #just as like. a concept #war: i hate that guy. he's terrible and sucks and— he said we're friends? no. shut up. i'm not smiling. this is a stress response. #edit: crying. ty for ur story and ur dudes i like putting my detective hat on. i'm having fun.

[i-am-very-very-shy]

ok real final thoughts on the Mage Pranks Extended Cut and then im really going to hibernate for at least 30 seconds

the funniest thing about mage entering extreme silly hours is that i strongly believe no one at all would take war's side in this.

like. i was thinking probably the easiest thing for war to do re: revengeance would be to like. bait mage into doing/saying something mischievous/contradictory/otherwise bonkers and then going AHA or using it to prank him back but..... that wouldn't work. not because it wouldn't work but because no one would care or acknowledge it dsdkjf. he'd just get ganged up on i think.

war: IVE FINALLY EXPOSED UR EVIL SCHEMES/uno reverse card you unmitigated menace

everyone else‚ having been aware of this whole saga for months: what are you talking about and also why are you trying to bully mage. for shame. look at him, he’s crying

mage, not paying attention: *teaching mini more chaos magic in the corner*

war: i’m going to get turned into a turnip one day and none of you even care

and like, war could still definitely catch mage bullshitting A Lot as soon as he’s like. wait a minute...... this isn’t a serious person at all! but again.

war: he’s lying! he’s completely lying! he just contradicted himself like 6 times!

mage: no i'm not and no i didn’t

everyone: mage would never bullshit us. you're tearing this family apart, war. when you get turned into a turnip we're putting you into the stew

war: SO YOU ADMIT THAT'S A THING THAT COULD FEASIBLY HAPPEN

everyone: admit what? no one has said anything for like 15 minutes

rip war

however i also feel like, insult to injury, this would really help with everyone being wary of war. so mage could b like. think about it for a second.... and you'll realize that i've actually been helping you ✨all along✨

AND IS HE WRONG? no! now is he lying about the intentionality of that endgame? maybe! probably. almost certainly. but war can never prove it or know for sure.

skabshsv wait ok probably the real end game tee em such as it was or would have been would be mage de-mystifying himself while having Maximum Fun, but making war seem less sketchy along the way would be an added bonus. like. mage, helping mini weaponize himself to be a prankster by proxy: war this is for your own good. and also mine. and also mini's. and honestly really everyone else's wrt Group Harmony. in fact this is a noble cause, for the Greater good of us all, in the name of Friendship and Education,,,,

(also though because he has messed up his own legend so hard. you know that one atla post where aang is like "back in my day we called ba sing se Weed City"? he could fix it.... or he could make it worse.

mage, faced with an improbable and once in a lifetime opportunity to at least kind of set the record straight about the things he did and did not actually do: yeah in my hyrule we didn't have wallets [extra funny if he says this while there]. we had blupees, magical glowing rabbits that held our rupees,,

slate: oh so that's where those come from

mage, internally: dksbahaf????? that was supposed to be a joke BUT

mage, externally, unable to help himself: sure)

anyway friends that dunk on each other together stay together, or something. it’s like. bonding. it builds character. mage is old and wise trust him would that face ever betray you

i’m still thinking about this dkfnwhavg

Keep reading

#incoherent mumbling #bonus links #yes it absolutely would in a heartbeat #and not to say he's old but pulling the Wise Mentor bit out of all of this would be like. a power move #anyway #i feel as though wake would probably be tipped off that Something Funny (in. a couple senses hkgwiyef) Was Afoot #like. pretty quickly as soon as mage was like ''yeah i can get away with this'' and Engaged In Shenanigans #also mirror‚ who would suddenly get hit in the face with the realization that portions of mage's notes that don't make sense are 1) jokes #and 2) in some instances straight up lying: oh. oh this makes so much sense actually #i would pay money to see the whole gang's faces at their individual Moments Of Realization. #mage pulling bunny mage out of his hat and the bunny pulling a little clown doll mage from behind his ears. it throws a pie at war #wait. oh. skbshavahav i had another thought. putting a pin in that one. this is so much talking i need to lay down

[i-am-very-very-shy]

i'm still thinking about this dkfnwhavg

mage and mini........ y’know what. i'm getting the impression that probably the worst thing for war specifically as cat herder in chief is when mage decides to manifest and deploy his sense of humor.

like. hm. hold on i'm buffering

so like mini is a chaotic trash wizard (in a joking sense) and mage is an apparently stoic competent wizard (in the literal sense) and this could very easily be a terrible combo (in the "war trying to exist peacefully" sense).

like. mage, clocking mini on sight as an inventive raccoon in human form: oh, this kid fucking rules. i'm going to enable the hell out of whatever science crimes are in the making here

everyone else: ok well that's not a duo i would have expected but i guess it's that sort of friendship where you just sit in silence for 10,000 years

nope (or yes, but not entirely). you fools. you absolute rubes. you can't fathom the reckoning you will soon have to face for your reckless assumptions. that is not two dudes quietly chilling. that is two insane people about to make a sentient spider train your problem

like mini and spirit? that makes sense even on the surface. 2 kids who like making stuff. boom. easy. where the fuck does the inscrutable magic man fit into this.

look. links. pals. you poor silly fellows. you have no idea.

like. war, trying to pry the spider train off of himself with a stick: where did this thing come from????? how the hell did you guys even make this???????????? is that an eyeball?????????????

spirit: it's self guided train! and it doesn't need tracks so it makes transportation easier!

mini: nodding sagely

war: ok but WHY IS IT TRYING TO EAT ME???? why did you give it a mouth????????

spirit: so it can gather fuel! it was mini's idea :)

mage, who definitely knew this was going to be a monstrosity that should never see the light of day and immediately helped them make it: i thought it was a clever solution

war: why??????????

mage: why do you hate science

wake, eating popcorn and suddenly aware mage is just messing with all of them: yeah war what do you have against progress

in conclusion i think the arch nemesis of an experienced soldier man is an enigmatic magic man with a very dry sense of humor and also a raccoon person that cannot be stopped

closing thoughts:

war, being handed a present by mini, to mage: this isn't going to just explode on me is it?

mage, standing a suspiciously safe distance away: no

war, opening the box, only to have soapy water explode all over him:

mage: it doesnt just explode onto you. it also gives you a bath

mini, who figured out mage will literally just help him do whatever, signing: so you can stay clean on the road :)

what i'm saying is how long would it take for war to realize he's made a terrible misjudgment of character there. i think mage looking at everyone being exceedingly wary/admiring of him and being like. oh. ok. i think i'll cause problems on purpose. would be really good. as a treat

#incoherent mumbling #bonus links #this is kind of a story but. not really. #and also spirit is not blameless here. he was aware of shenanigans BUT it IS a good idea in theory. anything for progress #i was just thinking like. hm. mage's motivations must be like. impenetrable to war huh #fancy man. soldier guy. jumping into the mouth of a momster is not important. a rabbit on the other hand? #that's very important. and then i was like. there is no way a person with those priorities #and who additionally refuses to make those priorities obvious or consistent #is not the biggest troll in the universe #and now we're here #anyway #the bunny comic changed me as a person i think #ok seriously i'm going to disappear into the void again. too much talking........ #EDIT: LMAO DJAVAIAVGAKABE GOOFBALL MAGE CONFIRMED IM THE WORLDS GREATEST DETECTIVE OR WHATEVER. H A #THE DOTS. I CONMECTED THEM

[i-am-very-very-shy]

re: the bunny comic.... TYSM AKABSJBDGW that was my request and i'm crying, and also, the fact that that's something mage chooses to pull seniority over is like. sending me. that's so much. i feel like if war was like "hey go jump into the open mouth of this monster" mage'd be like "ok" but he draws the line at not petting a bunny. who the fuck do you think you are, fancy man. how dare you. can you believe this guy

THIS IS SO FUNNY. THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT ITS LIKE. and like. war just has no choice but to defer to him. like u can tell he’s irritated but what’s he gonna do?? step to mage??? YOU CAN’T STEP TO MAGE???

#bonus links #incoherent mumbling #(<- this is my talking tag) #ok i'll cop to this one this is me #SKSBSISVBW comfirmed. #i'm so glad i understood this correctly i love them. war climbing up my favorites list by being like. a reluctant cat herder #with mage being like. a random panther that he just has to live with. incredible

[i-am-very-very-shy]

or: i couldn’t help myself. again. @ezdotjpg​

[edited version on ao3]

“Can you please,” War said, momentarily distracted from what he had poked his head into the practice room to say, “stop stealing other sections' kids.”

Mage looked up from his book and slid his eyes over to Mini. Ostensibly he then began using telepathy, because Mini shook his head without even turning towards him. “I don't,” said Mage, with no inflection whatsoever. 

“Can you please stop harboring other sections’ kids when they run away?” War said, not irritably because it was Mage, but not not irritated, because it was Mage. 

His fellow senior and the longtime enemy of any established order returned his attention to his homework and went back to reading, visibly exiting the conversation.

War really hated him, sometimes.

“Does Groose know you’re in here?” War asked Mini, switching targets. He supposed that in fairness there was a nonzero chance that the answer was yes, but as far he had been told, pit was supposed to be practicing in the band room. Which Mini obviously was not.

In defiance of War’s brief lapse into optimism, Mini began moving his mallets incrementally closer to the xylophone, shoulders curving slightly inwards. He glanced up to give War the closest thing to a literal fish eye he had ever been on the receiving end of, and War sighed.

He wasn’t actually the band director, so— whatever. This particular issue could be someone else’s headache.

“Have you seen Mirror?” he asked, directing the question at Mage again. Mini correctly assumed this meant he was off the hook, and he straightened and cheerfully started playing where he had left off when War opened the door. It was not a song that War recognized, which he reminded himself was not currently his problem.

“No,” said Mage, scribbling in his notebook.

“Do you know where Mirror is?” said War, and Mage flipped to another section of his textbook without answering.

After waiting a few beats in vain, wherein neither of the other two deigned to acknowledge his presence any further, War rolled his eyes. 

He closed the door on them, in the interests of preserving his sanity. If they had been any other students, he might have tried harder to prod them back to where they were supposed to be— technically Mage was also running away, though if anyone had ever bothered to try to wrangle him, War had never seen it— but he wasn’t the sort of person that enjoyed pounding his head against brick walls.

And of course getting Mage to tell him literally anything was equally an exercise in futility, so he had other things to do, thanks.

He tried the next practice room, and bit back another sigh.

“Oh!” said Loft, also apparently playing hooky and looking guilty from where he sat next to a dead-eyed Slate on the floor. “Um,” he started, but War didn't actually care.

“Have either of you seen Mirror?” he asked, before he was subjected to whatever excuse Loft was fumbling for.

“No?” said Loft, and Slate just kind of stared at him, so that was another thing that he wasn't going to deal with. He closed the door on them, too.

The other practice room had been empty, which meant he should probably look in the gym or one of the courtyards or wherever else the color guard might be holed away from the rest of them.

His phone buzzed in his pocket as he was exiting the band hall, and he pulled it out to see that Wake had texted him approximately thirty times in thirty seconds.

did u find him yet, they all essentially read, sans the many typos.

No, War said, and got a barrage of thumbs down emojis. He started making his way to the gym, waiting for Wake to stop typing as he walked through the empty hallways.

also hey

do uk where loft went

the woodwinds r sll wandering arnd like sad abandoned orphans

and im tryn 2 help spirit n mask with them

but the upperclassmen r rebelling

Practice room, he said, taking the stairs down two at a time, crying over Slate’s dead body

haha

wait that was a joke right

war answer me we can’t lose our mascot

War snorted, because no one else was around, and he could do that.

I thought you said Mirror was the mascot

i mean ya but obvi ur gonna kill him so we need a new 1

or i guess mini could do it

w8 aslo speaking of min, groose is blowing up my phone hve u seen him

Mage, War said, which was all he needed to say.

oh lmao again???

nvm then

i didn’t even notice mage was gone tho how does he do thtt

and who’s watching brass. ik shad has orchestra 2day

y is every1 leaving smh r they 2 good 2 play the same 3 measures 4 6 hrs like the rest of us

Bye, War sent, pulling open the gym door.

come 2 my fineral

i meant funeral but actually bury me with a shark and make that joke or i’ll haunt u

War switched his phone off and stuck it in his pocket again, making a beeline to where Mirror was spinning obliviously by the bleachers.

When War got within about 3 feet of him, Mirror noticed his approach, and cringed out from under his toss in such a way that his flag hit the floor inches away from War with a bang.

“Whoops!” he said, sheepishly grinning like he hadn’t almost just let a 6 foot metal pole wildly careen into the side of War’s skull, “My bad!”

The rest of the flag line had glanced over at the noise, but upon seeing War’s face shuffled their block safely out of range, leaving Mirror standing a little separate from the rest of them.

He sent them a betrayed look.

“So you’re failing,” War said without preamble, and Mirror attempted not to grimace at him.

“I'm failing right now,” he said placatingly, like that meant anything when grades were going to be finalized at the end of the week. Seeing that this clarification was not going to save him from whatever dark fate War’s expression was spelling out, he mustered a mostly convincing smile. “I won't be failing by Friday!”

“Why,” said War, if not skeptical then at least unswayed from a path of extreme violence. Which, within the structure of the band, meant forcing Mirror to lug around props and play chromatic scales in his free time.

“My paper!” said Mirror, gesturing expansively, and then when this also failed to have any effect, he added, “I already talked to Mage about it.”

There were a lot of things War might feel like doing if Mage were a normal human being, but instead Mage was a weirdly terrifying monster of a person, so War just had to be irritated at Mirror.

“Mage isn't leadership,” he said, mostly calmly, “and you're in my section, so talk to me about it.”

“It isn't a failing paper!” Mirror exclaimed, attempting to surreptitiously scoot his flag closer to himself with his feet so he could grab it. War crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow at him.

Mirror snatched his pole and gave him a pitiful expression. “Really! Or I mean like,” he said dismissively, waving a hand as he neatly rolled up the silk, “it got failed, but that's because Yuga hates me, and also basically teaches historical revisionism. The paper was good! So my grade is going to be fixed before report cards go out.”

“Can you tell me,” War said, no less disgusted after this explanation, “why you decided to pick a fight with a teacher right before competitions start?”

“Well, obviously I didn't think he'd fail me,” Mirror said, leaning on his pole and pouting. “And it’s not like he can get away with it, so why not? Anyway, I already talked to a bunch of people, it’s going to be fixed, I’ll still be able to play my solo, so it’s fine!”

War still felt faintly dubious— Mirror was absolutely not above lying, although the fact that the color guard coach hadn’t killed him herself was a promising sign— but if he didn’t have to press gang anyone else into groveling for extra credit, he wasn’t going to complain. Especially since, this last minute, he was getting out of having to grovel to Yuga, too.

“Would it kill you,” he said, sighing as Mirror brightened, “to tell me about these things before I get sent to yell at you?”

“I feel like you might have killed me, at first,” Mirror said, brazen and grinning again now that he had decided War probably wasn’t going to yell at him. “But you don’t need to worry anymore! Impa just emailed me a few minutes ago that she was gonna talk to Yuga about it, so that should at least get me to passing.”

If Mirror (or, more likely, this was where Mage had been involved) had roped the head of the history department into it, it probably would be fine; Impa was another uniquely terrifying person, and she was in all likelihood going to snap Yuga like a twig.

Which was great, because War was the backup option for Mirror’s solo. And since it was Mirror’s solo, playing it meant War would have been forced into the middle of the color guard’s drill. They would never in a million years extend the same mercy Mirror got to him; he was horribly certain Slate would have found a way to give him brain damage by the time Mirror wheedled his way back into performing.

So yes, he really would have killed Mirror if he’d gotten himself failed by provoking Yuga for no reason, and that kind of just made this situation even more irritating. 

“I really would have killed you,” he said, since it was true, and also it made him feel a little better to see Mirror’s smile crack around the edges.

“Right,” he said, sidling back to his block, “but now you don’t have to do that, so….” and he promptly ran away.

War pulled out his phone again.

Is there any particular reason, he texted Mage, completely ignoring Wake’s many and various messages detailing the woodwinds’ rampage, that you didn’t tell me about Mirror’s paper?

No, said Mage.

So War was probably just going to go sit in the band director’s office and stare at the wall for a while.

#bonus links #tiny fic #although actually this got away from me. it's so stupid but somehow it became long #u might b asking why loft and slate were in a practice room.i have no idea #one of them was upset let's say. #ok. alright. oh wait final also: SKJHKFBS why do i have followers on this blog???????????? i really wasn't planning on writing anything els #obviously u can stay if u want! but. i'm a shriveled husk of a person most of the time this will not be an active page #ok. alright. that's it for real. goodbye forever again. don't look at me i still can't get over how dumb this is #edit: lmao just realized wolf is not in here. he doesn't cause problems. it's fine #drumline isn't real anyway as everyone knows

[i-am-very-very-shy]

@kimseokdotjpg so i couldn’t help myself

“Uh,” faltered Spirit, and then failed to continue, prompting various reactions from the others.

“Should we stop?” asked Wolf immediately, having been against the exercise in the first place. He looked to Loft at his side for support when Spirit didn’t answer, and just received a helpless shrug. He then looked at Slate, who visibly wasn’t paying attention, and, following that, Mini in desperation.

Mini shot worried looks between Spirit and Mage, fiddling with his cloak, but he looked back down without commenting.

War, who was next in line for the ghost meeting, only made a face and took a long swig from his flask.

“Wow,” said Wake after another beat, grinning beside a scowling Mask. “I can’t believe Mage is super haunted.” He had been one of the more vocal supporters of, as he called it, “getting reacquainted with our invisible friends.” He also had yet to take his turn.

“No,” Spirit said hurriedly, as Mage’s usual unreadable expression somehow intensified, “it really isn’t that.”

Or, well, at least Mage didn’t have any more ghosts than the rest of them. Most of his generally left him alone, actually, rather than always hovering around as the others’ did. Spirit couldn’t even give an accurate number if he wanted to.

It was more that the remaining options were….. difficult. Which was, for the record, saying quite a lot.

Spirit’s last choice would ordinarily have been the kindly older man that tended to follow Mage around fussing, because that screamed “personal”.

Except the other best option, and in fact the only other one who was also around Mage with any regularity, was a pretty red-haired woman frantically gesturing for him to not pick her. Vehemently gesturing, in fact. Rapidly approaching violently.

So he was in even more of an awkward position than he had expected, which was also saying a lot.

“Can I flip a coin?” he asked at length, looking at Mirror seated next to him, who had been the most ambivalent about the whole thing.

“But this is so much fun to watch,” said Mirror, grinning along with Wake, head propped in his hand. “Why don’t you let Mage pick?” he suggested, slightly more helpfully, after Spirit winced.

The red-haired woman had resorted to furiously bumping her arms together in an ‘X’, and the older man, sitting next to Mage, shook his head mutely.

“Sure?” said Spirit, after another pause, because then at least Mage will have had some choice in the matter.

And Spirit didn't have to make the choice, which he was not ashamed to admit was a very compelling argument.

“There’s a man and a woman,” he offered, electing to go for the strategy of "be vague and hope for the best," and the girl smacked her forehead what would have been audibly if she weren’t, of course, very much a ghost.

And ok, maybe he should have just picked the man. But really, how badly could it possibly go? It was Mage.

He was pretty sure it would be fine.

#tiny fic #bonus links #this starts in the middle of everything and that's fine. the middle is where the party lives #it also ends in the middle and that's because my brain is a fried egg #(also i just thought this was funny and it Would Not leave my brain so. here we are) #(like. this probably how no one would act and also there's the whole Can Marin Uave A Soul?? thing but. #roger rabbit rules. reality is what it takes for the punchline to happen) #(uk what else would b hilarious. one of wolf's ghosts being the zora queen. what would anyone even say.) #(also ur content is v v good thank you for sharing it's a good time. alright. goodbye forever.)