ilovebokutokoutaro

[ilovebokutokoutaro]

Heavenly potato give me some luck too🙏

[ilovebokutokoutaro]

Rebound

Minho x reader

Warnings: well angst obviously, no happy ending, breakup, idk if i missed any but this one is light ig

Oh you hated it, the way he instantly pushed his head down, the way his mouth opened to get in a little sharp breath, the way his hands tightened to fists, the way he turned away and all the while you watched, there was only one question in your head. 'Why can he not look at her?'

Right. You wouldn't ever understand, they had something you had pretended you both had too for so long, she left him astray and you couldn't help but doubt if he loved you or were you just a rebound, just a bandaid over his bleeding wounds, barely containing him from going insane and merely there to keep him sane.

Was that all you meant to him in the end? You were too afraid to ask, because the answer wouldn't be the one you needed but the one he wanted. "Minho" you called and watched him shut his eyes watched him exhale past the tears building up in the eyes you sought comfort from. "Minho!" You called again and he flinched, answering without meeting your eyes.

"yes, love" he gritted his teeth at the name and you followed with a gulp.. "can we leave....please?" You asked and he nodded getting up without facing you once, he bid goodbyes to his friends and there were nothing but awkward glances towards you by them.

You wanted to hide, laughing at how the only man you had loved your whole life embarrassed you to death in front of people he deemed to be his best friends, everyone could see it. The way minho's breathes sharpened as she entered the big room and you had decided you've had enough when he left without even glancing at you.

"goodbye" you smiled knowing everyone is the room had an idea that you'd be meeting them for the last time today. The ride home was long and you hated staying in the same car as him. You could feel embarrassment bubbling up and tingling in your whole body and shuddered, catching your lover's, or was he? Attention for the first time in the night.

"what's wrong?" He asked and you chuckled satirically, "what's wrong?" You mocked him and he frowned barely paying attention to the road anymore, it was empty either way and with how embarrassed you felt you'd rather just jump outside on the empty road than stay with him.

"should've looked at yourself when she entered the room." Oh pathetic way to start, very pathetic. "What?" He snapped and you couldn't hold it in anymore. "You fucking teared up in front of the whole room, you were shivering minho. If that is how big of an effect she has on you..then why the fuck am i here?" You asked, looking at him after so long you barely recognised him.

"that is not true." He stated gulping, oh he knew it was. It was everything but a lie, you were right and he hated it. "It's not her, it's just the things that happened between us y/n you shouldn't assume." He defended. "Yeah after a year if all that still affects you i support you, no i really do if you were almost on the verge of weeping from the bad memories I'm here minho. But tell me is that all??? Really? Does she mean nothing to you?" You questioned and minho turned towards you in haste, pulling the car to a stop.

"yes, she means-" he stopped when his eyes met yours, you were looking at him so desperately barely containing the tears. "Please minho is that true she means nothing to you?" You asked again, a tear falling past your eyes, you made no effort wiping it when the look you dreaded crossed his face. "Y/n..." He started trying to grab your hand but you pulled away.

"if what you say is true, why? Why does everyone look at me like I'm the one who means nothing when she's there? why can't you answer my question? Why do you tear up at the sight of her? Does she really mean nothing...or am i the one who means nothing?" You interrogated, accusing him of things he knew were too true to be declined.

"no i swear-" he gulped. "I swear she means nothing to me" he stated, avoiding your eyes, big mistake. and you sobbed watching the lie seeping through his eyes. "no. Don't lie, look at yourself." You cried and he lowered his head. Eyes tearing up at the situation. "I'm sorry.." he started and you laughed. "sorry? After a fucking year? You tell me you're sorry after a year of being together? I gave you time minho. So much time. But this is it. You leave me at a hotel for today, I'll come to gather my stuff tomorrow." You sighed, wiping away your tears. Comforting yourself with the thought that you could cry alone after he's gone, everything hitting you off at once.

Oh you did not want to breathe anymore. You did not want to be here either. Minho's ex girlfriend had cheated on him and you were best friends with both of them, not only did you lose your best friend but you were somehow pulled to love minho knowing he was and never will be over her.

He didn't cheat, yeah. But nor was he ever over her. Not when he couldn't cut her off his life after more than a year of breakup, not when he would still shiver at the sight of her, as his best friend you understood but as his girlfriend you hated him. You hated him to the core.

And when you were alone in the hotel room sobbing so hard you couldn't breathe, maybe then it occurred to you that you were nothing but a rebound, a pathetic, useless rebound to minho. Maybe that's why you stayed up the whole night crying, and maybe that's why nothing in your life felt worth it anymore. But one thing you knew was, you'd be past this, maybe life was as mean to you as it could be but you knew you'd be over it and maybe this time the one holding your hand wouldn't hold it to gather his scattered pieces but because he would scatter without you.

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Happyyy newww yeaarr tooo all of youuu thank you for reading🥰🥰💞💞

#stray kids #lee minho angst #minho angst #minho #stray kids angst #stray kids comfort #straykids minho #lee minho #lee know #minho icons #angst ff

[ilovebokutokoutaro]

Futile

Minho x reader (part 1/ part 2)

Warnings: break up, angst, mental health, suicidal tendencies, angst angst and angst haha.

"honeyyy come!! Come here i want you to meet someone" wooyoung screamed in a high squeaky voice and you smiled. It has been years since you last felt so alive, but working on your mental health and letting him in your heart was a good decision indeed, he was the nicest guy you could've ever met, except for minho. Yes. You thought about him still. A lot. Not because you still loved him but because of how guilty you felt for treating him the way you did.

If you were to go back you'd still break up with him, but maybe save him some heartbreak, maybe prove to him that he deserved all the love in the world even if you couldn't give him any. Oh how you wished you could just tell him how sorry you were. And you were a little hurt yes, you wished he'd ask more. You wished he gave you one more chance to prove yourself but yeah it was all your fault to begin with.

"go y/n he's been screaming so loud my ears will burst" seonghwa almost cried and his bride laughed, you were in the after party of one of your soon to be husband's best friend. Yes. You were engaged to wooyoung, oh how life played, never would you have guessed but here it goes.

Wooyoung was a lovely guy, and when he first met you you were on the verge of dying, the first time he met you, you were crying, shaking as you made your way to the hospital, sobbing as blood seeped past your nerves, asking for help for the first time in your life. Wooyoung was a assistant doctor and immediately got up to you, picking you up and rushing inside half panicked. Later you got to know it was his first day.

That guy gave you life when everything else was taken away, and you were grateful, so in love and thankful God gave you him. You could never begin to explain what all wooyoung has done for you but one thing everyone knew was he had saved your life and made you into the happiest version of yourself.

"y/n see how cute!!" Wooyoung yelled running towards you with a baby in his arms, a small baby boy and oh god your heart almost stopped as you watched him coddle the baby close to his head. "HE'S SO CUTE!" Wooyoung exclaimed. Oh you always wondered where he got so much energy from. "yeah!" You smiled, the baby was quiet, eating his own hand as he stared at you with big doe eyes, slightly resembling your old lover.

"hey there" you cooed, coming closer to him as you pressed a gentle finger to his cheek to which he smiled and made you grabby hands, surprising indeed but he seemed to like you.

"wooyoung! Omg you scared me don't run with him like that ever again" you heard a familiar voice and there it was, minho. Right in front of you. You couldn't believe he was here, what a small world. Your eyes blurred as you came face to face with him, both of you as shocked as the other.

"um... Hi!" You mumbled awkwardly and wooyoung was immediately on edge, connecting the fact the minho you told him about was the same minho who was bestest friends with seonghwa. Wooyoung could feel his skin crawling at the way you reacted but you smiled and held his hand, comforting him with a look of nothing but love.

"honey can i talk to minho for a moment?" You asked him and minho squeezed your hand before letting it go and getting the baby out of your arms. "Yes...just know i love you.." he uttered and you couldn't believe how much you loved him, you had always told wooyoung you wanted to apologise to minho once and the fact he respected it meant so much to you.

"hi.." minho mumbled and you could see the way his eyes were slightly relieved to see you. "you.... I'm so proud of you y/n" minho mumbled as wooyoung made his way past both of you and you couldn't help but tear up at the words. "I'm happy now!" You told him and did an awkward shrug and minho chuckled, tearing up himself.

"i know" he sighed and you couldn't hold back your tears anymore. "is he yours?" You asked referring to the baby and minho nodded, making you smile harder. "He's so cute...." - "I'm glad you're happy-" you both said at the time and sighed.

"minho... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry for everything." You told him, finally and he laughed shrugging it off as he asked more questions, and you too did, turns out he got married last year when his girlfriend got pregnant.

Oh how things turned out to be, a few years before and you could've never imagined Minho wouldn't be by your side but here we go.

"things will get better" he said but right now you could see no way that could make your heart open up ever again, no way that could make your tears stop, no way to stop the pain burning up in your eyes and chest, no way to fill up the empty space caused by your own mental illness, by your own heart.

You never thought you'd be past this, and back then you could've never guessed that minho was indeed right, both of you did a few things wrong but he loved you and so did you, and now both of you were happy. Wooyoung proved to you that just because not everyone could love you through your illness someone will always. And minho's girlfriend taught him he was enough even if someone else wasn't willing to show it to him. You both learned, both hurt, now you both were living, and nothing could've been better.

--

Alright here is part two as requested. Ik this must not be what you all wanted but i wanted to give them both a happy end they deserved. Thanks for reading i love you all

#straykids minho #lee minho angst #minho angst #minho icons #stray kids minho #minho #lee minho #angst ff #kpop angst #lee know angst #lee know #stray kids angst #stray kids comfort #stray kids

[ilovebokutokoutaro]

Guys please report them. Wtf is wrong with people nowadays man!?

hi, someone is posting spanish translations of your works on wattpad: wattpad (.) com/1331872277-%F0%9D%97%95%F0%9D%97%B2%F0%9D%97%B5%F0%9D%97%B6%F0%9D%97%BB%F0%9D%97%B1-%F0%9D%97%A7%F0%9D%97%B5%F0%9D%97%B2-%F0%9D%97%9F%F0%9D%97%B6%F0%9D%97%B4%F0%9D%97%B5%F0%9D%98%81-%E2%9A%A1%EF%B8%8E%F0%9D%98%9A%F0%9D%98%92%F0%9D%98%A1-%F0%9D%98%9A%F0%9D%98%9B%F0%9D%98%9C%F0%9D%98%8D%F0%9D%98%8D%E2%9A%A1%EF%B8%8E-%EF%BD%A1%E2%86%B7-%F0%9D%95%B7%F0%9D%96%8A%F0%9D%96%8A-%F0%9D%95%B8%F0%9D%96%8E%F0%9D%96%93%F0%9D%96%8D%F0%9D%96%94-%C2%A1-%E2%80%A2%E0%AC%93-%C2%B0

Fuck my fucking life. Again?

If y'all could report this thieving cunt I'd be hugely grateful. Looks like they've stolen reactions from multiple writers. When will people understand that giving 'credit' will never excuse plagiarism.

Tagging those that have been plagiarised from, the work is in the book 'Behind The Light SKZ Stuff':

@ballerinainskzville @jae-bummer @gimmeurtmi @yxngbxkkie @astraystayyh @thevampywolf -multiple works @ilovebokutokoutaro @emithecharmer @dreamescapeswriting @stayandot8 @luvyeni @azurez @skz317cb97 -multiple works @propertyoftoru @svngiem @svngiem-remade @shinehyuk @feelbokkie @cinhomi @odxrilove @catiuskaa @nicolagreta -both parts of your series

[ilovebokutokoutaro]

Covet

Hyunjin x reader

Warnings: blood, angst, addiction, drinking, abusive, not proofread and angst

Overview: as hyunjin's addiction to alcohol grow so did the space between him and his girlfriend.

"y/nnnnn" he slurred barely able to keep his eyes open as he was dragged home by his friend....again. He drank..again after promising you with his life not to. But here you were standing with the door wide open as his friend dragged your half asleep boyfriend and put him on the couch with a loud oof.

"babbyyyy" he whined loud and you sighed, the dull ache that has settled in you heart ever since his addiction became worse increasing to the point your breathing naturally turned into silent gasps of air and loud puffs of exhale.

"thank you chan.." you smiled and he gave you a pained smile having encountered hyunjin crying a lot more times over your fights about his addiction than he had realised, the exhaustion was so visible in your eyes at this point that you couldn't even try to hide it anymore.

And as you watched chan driving his way out again...the 4th time this week you feared this was almost all you could endure, confirming it when hyunjin dropped his weight on you with a backhug.

"i love drinkingg~ it takes all the pain away y/nn" he confessed and you sucked in a sharp breathe tears bubbling up in your eyes for the nth time when you realised nothing you could ever do would ever be enough for him to try to leave his unhealthy obsession with drinking.

You looked up trying to stop the tears as if looking up would suck them right in and gasped softly with every breathe as he mumbled how he'd never stop drinking and how good he felt when he drank how NOTHING could compare to the relief he feels with his drinks, failing to suck the tears in as they fell right through your eyes.

"you need to sleep hyunjin" you muttered trying to keep the tremble in your voice to the bare minimum and hyunjin froze behind you. "No." He uttered sounding completely sober all of a sudden. "Please" you whimpered as his words pierced right through your chest.

"why are you like this?!" He asked rather aggressively as he pushed himself off of you, stumbling a few steps back and you shut your eyes trying to stop your brain from registering anything because you could feel the rage bubbling up rather soon.

"why....why am i like what?" You asked pretending to be as calm as you could. "Like this! Ruining everything for me....you- i- y/n you make my life so miserable i was so happy but you just had to mention i need to sleep so i could get those terrible nightmares so i won't be happy anymore. You want me to always be- upset don't you?!" He accused and you chuckled turning to face him.

"you don't realise what you're saying hyunj-" you started but he let put a loud yell, "NO! No i get it i get it you're- you want me to always be sad so I'll be with you- so I'll follow you around like a abused puppy SO YOU CAN KEEP ME ALL TO YOURSELF- YOU'RE SO SO SELFISH Y/N" he yelled and you couldn't stop the way your vision suddenly got blurry, how the wetness on your cheeks increased to the point you couldn't see even if you blinked all the tears away.

"how could you-" you sobbed "HOW AM I SELFISH WHEN ALL YOU DO IS DROWN IN ALCOHOL WHEN I GET TO SEE YOU ONLY AT NIGHT WHEN YOU'RE SO HIGH YOU CAN'T EVEN PRONOUNCE MY NAME PROPERLY OR WHEN- OR WHEN YOU'RE SO SOUND ASLEEP STINKING OF ALCOHOL ON THE COUCH EVERY OTHER DAY, WHEN ALL YOU DO IS TELL ME HOW I'LL...never be enough..how hyunjin how the actual fuck am i the selfish one!?" You sobbed and it agitated hyunjin more than it should've.

"that's what i said, you only want me to leave the only escape I've because you only want me to yourself!!" He cried and you felt your knees getting weaker but he didn't stop, he didn't stop as he uttered the cruelest words you've ever encountered, how he told you "i was not happy ever untill i found how to get myself high! And you want to take that away too...you YOU WANT TO TAKE THAT AWAY TOO!" he screamed, punching the glass of the small table that he gifted you for your 2nd anniversary, knowing how much you liked home decor.

And he continued shattering everything in his sight along with your heart. Pieces that won't join together with the sorry's you know he'll utter the next morning.

Your heart felt like it had been ripped out as the only thing you did for his 2 hour tantrum was sob into your hands, trying to fix yourself enough to at least walk out of the house.

And before you knew, your sobs were the only thing echoing in the house, the room scattered with broken pieces of everything you collected and he gifted to you, with him passed out near the couch with bloody hands.

And you couldn't help as you walked slowly to your room grabbing your phone to call your best friend. "Please come pick me up" your voice was hoarse and she didn't ask for anything else as she sucked in a sharp breathe and answered a small okay.

With the time you had as she came you grabbed a first aid box, patching up your lovers bloody hands as you kissed him a last goodbye with a small note before walking out of his life for good.

The light blinded hyunjin as a splitting headache that he was too used to made him feel too dizzy to sit up. And as he took in the fact that he was in fact drowing with the stench of alcohol again suddenly all the hangover rushed down panic settling in his heart as he remembered the way he had promised you not 2 days ago to quit it for good when you had sobbed out all the insecurities in his arms.

"Shit! Shit! Fucking hell!" He cussed as he tried to stand up, hands burning the moment he settled them down to push himself up, "ugh!" He groaned as he sat up, looking at his hands then the mess the room was in and a the haunting reality of yesterday slowly burned up in his mind, hazy but enough to make him realise he has fucked all of it up.

"Y/N!" He cried hoping he'd get an answer back but the silence was more haunting than he had realised. "No no please" he cried, the anxiety making him want to throw up, "no!" He cried as he read the small note you had left for him.

"I'll come back to get my stuff soon, if you're wondering why because you can't remember anything i hope your hands and the mess in the room explains it all. Thank you for everything hyunjin...."

And the way a few words were smudged he could tell you had cried and the sudden blurred vision had him realising he too was in fact crying, hard.

The reality of everything sinking in fast as he came to terms with everything he had ruined, said the worst things he could to you after promising to love you till the end of world. And here he was sobbing loud because he knew you wouldn't come back again...he did not deserve it either way. The only hope he held in his life walked right out because he made her believe she was the worst person he could have. It was all his fault and he realised he had a knack for drowning in damaging liquid, first alcohol, now tears.

------

Why am i so obsessed with break up ff nowadays😭😭 anyway hope you enjoy....the tears hahahahahaha.

#skz angst #skz #skz imagines #stray kids #straykids minho #hyunjin ff #hyunjin angst #hwang hyunjin #hyunjin #skz hyunjin #stary kids #stray kids comfort #stray kids angst #angst ff #kpop angst

[ilovebokutokoutaro]

Mercy

Minho x reader

P.s. reading it with "mercy" by shawn mendes may bring out feels because i wrote it listening to that😭.

Warning: um angst ahhahah and angst and hints of self hate and ignorance mental illness and all that.

You were tired.

Tired of the constant ignorance, tired of the constant distance, the distance that had become so huge that you were sure falling apart the more you crawled towards him. Minho tend to put a lot of gap between you and his feelings.

The only share you were allowed to have when you agreed to be his girlfriend was the good one, he only ever came to you when he was happy and as good as it sounds it was not. You were never allowed to comfort him, whenever he was upset he'd cut you off, whenever he was stressed he'd ignore you and when he felt okay he'd shower you with love.

At first it felt nice, the compensation for his ignorance was so much love that it covered your breaking heart and you went on and on and on untill the ignorance became a routine. No matter what you did he was always mad...and you were left wondering where have you even gone wrong.

You were tired of hearing the empty i love you's, you wanted to cry, yell at him for making you feel so alone. All this hopelessness led you to overworking, because you'd never know when he'd leave you because you were not....you would never be good enough for him to seek anything from you.

At one point his disassociation with you had gotten so bad that the only time he'd smile at you was when he had sex with you, he'd tell you he loved you and look like he meant it only then. And the thoughts began to take root in your heart and head, breaking everything inside you apart as the roots grew deeper and stronger piercing all of your body, growing out of you skin, punching through your gut and soon damaging your whole self.

Overthinking was like that and it was worse when the words from someone never matched their actions. You had talked about this to him so many times that at this point you had given up. You wanted to leave, rip out all the roots from your body and throw them away somewhere deep in the smallest part of you worth.

His mental health deteriorated and he grew even more distant, both you busying your schedule in hopes you'd not have to face the lies he uttered and he'd not have to face the pain in your eyes as he avoided you.

And soon the only times you saw each other became the night, where you pretended to be asleep and he'd slowly slide in behind you, everyday he'd hold you, then slowly retrace his hands back and sigh, sometimes he cried, sometimes he told you he loved you, sometimes he'd say sorry.

And you laid there heart being ripped open at his slightest touch, skin burning wherever he kiss you thinking you were asleep. You could see your relationship falling apart, all the dreams you had put together slowly fading away to the most painful part of your chest and growing it huge in size.

You were so tired at this point that you couldn't turn yourself around as he cried to your back that he was hurting too much, that he couldn't take it anymore.

A part of you dying to comfort him and the other begging for mercy, mercy out of this immense pain, begging him to stop hurting you, you couldn't take it anymore either.

And so you cried, cutting off his sobs with your louder ones, he was eating you up alive. "Please stop! Stop treating me like I'm some-one not worthy of being able to be by your side, i feel so bad minho, I'm hurting, I'm begging you to stop hurting me so much. Where am i going wrong? I'll do anything so pleas- please stop breaking me apart-" you choked on a sob, the feeling of your tears hitting the pillow hollowing your chest even more, and when his hand touched your waist to pull you towards him-

You jerked awake, in a puddle on your own sweat and tears, he was not holding you, it was morning, the morning after him crying. You had woken up too early, you could hear the shower running, you wanted to go back to sleep to pretend you were not hurting but your chest grew heavier and tears flooded your vision again.

No matter how much you talked to him their was no response, he'd not answer back to your begs and you were exhausted. Please please someone- 'i want to leave i want to leave i need to leave please i want to leave please please let me go i need to-'

"i want to break up" you muttered loud enough as he opened the bathroom door, steps coming to a halt as you stared at his body, water dropping from his chest down the towel wrapped around his waist, dampening it just like your tears dampened the pillow.

You laid on you back, sprawled in the most casual way as you cried, "please i need to leave this" you cried harder as the words made their way past your lips.

You could hear shuffling, sniffling and then a thud, "what?" He muttered kneeling down on the edge of bed, eyes bloodshot as his hands trembled.

"y/n...what?" He uttered again letting put a small pained chuckle.

Grabbing your hand and pushing it against his cheek and you tilted your head to look at him in the eyes. "Please..." You cried tears interrupting you from looking at him.

"i can't take it anymore minho, how many times do i cry....how many times do i tell you that you're ignoring me, no matter what i do it's always wrong you're so far away it hurts, it's tearing me apart. I need to leave. I can't take this anymore.." you sighed pulling your hand away as you sat up, ready to wipe away you tears but he was quick to steal your hands back.

"no I'll change please don't lose hope in me i will change i swear i will- i will do anything please" he uttered, trembling hard as he watched you with the most heartbreaking look you've ever seen on him.

But you couldn't, you were ready to give up this time, you couldn't go back, your mental space had become such a hell living with him, the only thoughts that you knew spiraled through your head were how you would never be enough for him...for anyone. How you were not worthy to be heard of, how no one really ever cared about you and that you needed to leave. All of them were wrong except the latter one, the last one held power, you'd maybe hate yourself for leaving him maybe everyone else would too but you had to, to keep yourself sane...to keep yourself alive.

And so you stood up, blocking out his cries as you dressed up and left telling him you'd be back later to take your stuff.

For now you needed the space he wasn't willing to give you, maybe you'd come back, maybe he'd change, maybe it'll all come together but for now all you felt was hopeless...all you felt was pain.

#straykids minho #lee minho angst #skz angst #skz #skz imagines #stray kids #skz minho #minho angst #minho icons #lee minho #lee know angst #lee know #skz moodboard #skz chan #skz icons #stray kids comfort #stray kids angst #stray kids minho

[ilovebokutokoutaro]

Do you love me ???

I do love, i sooo do.

P.s. she's my girlfriend 😭

[ilovebokutokoutaro]

Futile

Minho x reader (part 1/ part 2 )

Warnings: break up, angst, mental health, suicidal tendencies, angst angst and angst haha.

"are you...are you really going to leave?" You whispered, hands trembling as you sat cross legged on the bed, head down, looking mindlessly at your nails picking on your skin as if it would give you ideas to make him stop. You could hear a sigh and then a small yes and then More shuffling.

You were anxious, really anxious as you heard the bags being gathered, clothes being pushed you could hear everything yet it felt so far away. 'not a good time to be disassociating' your brain mumbled before falling off the edge, it was unreal, this must not be happening.

But it was.

"don't leave me please" you slowly uttered, cautious, and you were ready to be yelled at but nothing came except the sound of shuffling stopping. And you thought maybe he'll stay, but the sound of the zip had your heart hammering, tears welling up as you continued to stare at your hands fiddling with sheets now.

"you know i can't" he sighed right after and you could feel the gaze piercing on your side but couldn't get yourself to look anywhere but down. "I can't take it anymore" he laughed, it sounded like he was crying. Was he crying? He must be. It's all your fault.

"I'm tired of feeling like nothing i could ever do would make you love me-" he started but you let out a loud "I do love you." Interrupting him as your heart felt like it was shattering again.

"but your love for me isn't enough for you to live neither is mine...is it?" He asked and you let out a small sigh. 'why would i live so long then? I'm just struggling please help me i can't do it alone..' you wanted to say but your mouth refused to cooperate. 'he wouldn't know unless you tell him..ask for help...ask ask' your brain complained and you knew it was right.

"I'm alive though.." was all you could say and that made him sigh. "I'm going to leave now... I'll stay at chan's place....i love you...things will get better y/n you just have to open your heart up." He murmured softly, you could hear the tremble in his voice, the sound of the wheels of the suitcase against the floor, his footsteps and then the shutting up of the door.

"oh God" you uttered before completely breaking down, "things will get better" he said but right now you could see no way that could make your heart open up ever again, no way that could make your tears stop, no way to stop the pain burning up in your eyes and chest, no way to fill up the empty space caused by your own mental illness, by your own heart.

#skz angst #skz imagines #skz #stray kids #minho angst #lee minho angst #minho icons #straykids minho #stray kids minho #skz minho #lee minho #lee minho skz

[ilovebokutokoutaro]

Acanthus

Seonghwa x reader

Overview: rebirth, past lovers, Royal, prince seonghwa x maid reader (in the past life).

Warnings: angst, death of character, violence, blood, gore and angst.

The fog covering the lens of seonghwa's glasses did not stop his eyes from falling over your familiar figure, the same thin fingers smudged in paint, the same hair falling freely down the lengths of your shoulders and past your waist, the same smile, the one that was once directed towards him.

His breathe hitched, eyes watering at the sight of you, he wanted to run to you, hug you, tell you how sorry he was, tell you how much he loved you.....he wanted you near him even if just for a second.

He regretted each action he pulled in the past life, each tear that you shed tore a small part of his heart, which crumbled the moment you stood in front of him again, but this time not in his arms, this time you were not his.

He hadn't seen you this happy in ages, literal ages. Seonghwa hadn't seen you smiling from eye to eye for so long that it almost felt as if it was a flash of memory to him.

He loved you he sure did. Oh if only he could tell you how much.

He regretted leaving you that night, breaking down as he walked away from you. Your loud sobs piercing every part of his heart, he regretted marrying someone else as he watched you attend the ritual with fake smiles and teary eyes.

He regretted not choosing you as his wife framed you for treason, successfully removing you from his life.

He regretted standing paralysed as the gaurds dragged you away in front of everyone, as you screamed your innocence. As he watched you bleed to death, his soul set on fire the moment you dropped dead on the ground. Finally moving as you uttered a "i wish i never meet you again in any of my life" to him. His heart throbbing as you took your very last breathe.

"y/n if someday...i were to betray you, would you still hold me like this?" He asked, heart churning as you came up from his chest, facing him with a small smile.

"No." Was the simple answer and he felt his heart breaking as relief washed over him. "If you were to betray me my prince.... I'd wish i had never fallen in love with you in this life...and that I'll never remember you in any to come." You whispered, forehead leaning against his.

Ofc you knew of the marriage being arranged between the prince..your lover and the daughter of the duke.

He would never choose you over her, he could. But he won't so here you were lying on him as he broke down in your arms.

Your wish was granted.

Seonghwa watched you giggle as another man came to you, picked you up from the seat then twirled you around, your giggles were loud, the man's laughter was loud and it matched.

Your eyes fell over him for a split second and he felt his heart breaking when that stare didn't bother you, you were focused...on someone else, someone who wasn't him. You were happy. Oh God how he wished you were still in his arms.

He was going to repay all his sins by losing you, in this life and more to come. God did not forgive him. He had been watching you fall in love with someone over and over after he watched you die. Last time it was some woman who held you in her arms as if you were her whole world, and you were.

You were meant to be loved, not the way seonghwa loved you, you were meant to be loved eternally and he did not. He killed you.

"your highness. This girl tried to kill our son! You've to punish her!" The queen sobbed, all the nobles staring daggers at you. "I-I didn't...i-" you mumbled, trembling as your eyes met seonghwa.

"hwa...i didn't." You muttered only audible to yourself as you cried, seonghwa stared at you as if you were a parasite and so did everyone else. Why...why did he have to do this to you?...

And soon you were dragged in the prison as they finalised the day for your execution, you cries falling on deaf ears.

The only person who'd ever believed you was a guard who was killed right in front of you as he tried to free you. that gaurd died for you.

The most loyal knight to the king died for you. The most loyal knight to seonghwa died for you.

And then you were brought out, hands tied behind your back.

They burned you alive.

Seonghwa burned you alive.

"y/n..." You could hear his voice a pair of arms holding you up as you uttered your last words.

"i loved you hwa....i wish i never remember you in any of my life again."

And then you died.

You died in seonghwa's arms when he was the one to kill you, oh the irony..

And now you were always near him, but so far away....too far away to let him hold you, too far away to ever love or remember him.

And he wondered if it was for the good, if you remembered him it would bring you nothing but pain.

Seonghwa regretted all his actions, but each time he took birth he was destined to meet you, to remember everything to watch you fall in love with someone else. To watch you be with someone he had killed again, someone he was so close to.

Each life you took, you fell in love with Chan. His most loyal knight. Each life you took, he watched you be the happiest he had ever seen you.

You were destined to be happy in every other life than the one with him. And he was destined to be in pain for the rest of his time on Earth. He was destined to watch you disappear from beneath his fingers each time.

So all he could do was watch you. Love someone else. Love someone who'd never again be him. And maybe someday you'd come to forgive him. One day he'd be forgiven by God and you'd be in his arms again the way you were in his dreams.

#ateez #ateez fanfic #ateez angst #ateez fluff #ateez imagines #skz #skz angst #seonghwa #seonghwa angst #angst ff #ateez ff #ateez seonghwa

[ilovebokutokoutaro]

𝐋𝐢𝐥𝐚𝐜

Minho x reader

Warnings: ED, don't read if mentions of eating disorders could trigger you please don't. Throwing up, angst, comfort (i just want to tell you all you're really freaking pretty and awesome).

─┉┈◈◉◈┈┉

"trust me, why don't you just trust me? You're the only beauty, show me more."

─┉┈◈◉◈┈┉

Minho loved you, he loved everything you did just as much too, he loved watching you speak, he loved watching you smiling at the things you liked, he loved the way your eyes shimmered brightly when you looked at him...and just everything.

But minho specially loved watching you eat, he knew your relationship with food wasn't the best but you had been doing better and so maybe he thought letting it go wouldn't do anything bad.

But minho didn't need to specially know that comments like "she's so thin", "she's so pretty", "i wish i was like her" only ever drove you to edge, he thought that maybe you'd feel better about yourself if you heard such stuff.

What he didn't know was the looming darkness enveloping your head in a warmth that'd slowly burn your body into nothing but bones.

He didn't know the haunting silence that made it's way to your heart as loud screeches as you stared at your reflection, it appeared you could never see the beauty minho carried in his head, the beauty you were.

Your fingertips trailing your collarbones as you breathes in a sharp sigh, knuckles so cleary visible only you could see the thickness that blinded your view, you were getting unhealthily thin.

Minho had been out for a month and you felt horrible for being like this, you weren't a kid he should have to arrange meals for, to make sure you ate well, you weren't.....you never wanted to be a burden to him.

And it didn't help as you walked your way to work, after 3 days, too scared to show your face anywhere.

Summer had recently started and you hated the fact you had to show your body to people, open for them to judge. So you wore a thin oversized and full sleeved shirt, a lose pair of pants to hide the shape of your body.

But it was to no avail.

"you're getting too thin, y/n! You need to gain weight.." a coworker of yours mumbled and you could already feel the one bite you took coming up your throat. "Y-yeah?" You chuckled awkwardly as they went on and on about what you should and what you shouldn't do.

God you wanted to die, you had barely eaten 5 bites and you already felt so full, but you were scared.

Scared that if you stop eating they'd pick on you again and so you ate, only to sit in the toilet 15 mins later, throwing up everything you had.

Forcing your fingers in your throat as you bit down hard, throwing up everything you've had since morning, a dull ache followed through your tummy to chest, the back of your throat and tongue aching as if you had been beaten down.

Your jaw felt stiff and painful as you got up, shivering as you saw a woman standing near the sink with a worried expression.

"A-are you okay?" She whispered cautiously and you mustered up the best smile you could, "yeah ofc! Just had something bad for lunch so my stomach acted up hahaha don't worry!" You cheerfully explained.....well as cheerfully as you could...

"okay..." She stuttered still a bit suspicious but you laughed and left, forgetting to dry your hands as you pinched your skin.

The rest of the day went by easily and you sighed as you walked back to your house, yet again alone. Wishing minho would be back soon, taking small steps and soon you were cautious of how you walked, what if you looked weird walking because you were so thin?? What if your body looked uglier than it used to??

What if you- your thoughts were interrupted by a sudden urge to throw up, you hadn't had anything yet, and you had already thrown up everything you ate in the morning.

You speed walked to your apartment, sweating through your shirt as the heat came to you.

And it wasn't before you were back in your bathroom throwing up water as you wheezed. You should eat. You should eat. You should eat. You should eat....you shouldn't eat, you shouldn't eat, you shouldn't eat.

"oh god i really do hate myself..." You chuckled, tears wetting your cheeks, small cries slowly turning into loud sobs as you wrapped your arms around your head to stop the thoughts. Even just for a moment...just for a second.

"why am i like this?!" You complained, standing up to look at yourself in the mirror. God you looked horrible, dark circles making you look like a zombie. And then you walked out. Eating whatever came into sight.

Crying as you stuffed yourself with whatever food you could find. Too ugly, too thin, too much. You were too much for anyone.

And you ate more the other day, ignoring the guilt bubbling up at the pit of your stomach. You felt sick. You felt really sick. Sick of yourself, sick of everyone telling you how your body should look like, Sick of hating yourself for breathing, sick of being so ugly and unworthy.

And you waited, waited and waited for someone to pull you out of the hell hole you've jumped into.

Talks with minho got brief as he got busier with his schedule and you with eating and throwing up alternatively.

And there was only so much you could take....as you sat on your bed, wishing to be dead as the images of your body flashed in your head over and over. God it was haunting. You had gained weight. A lot of it, or that's what you thought.

"I'm so sick of myself" you cried loudly, tears blurring your vision over and over no matter how hard you tried to wipe them away.

"I'm sick of feeling like this minho, I'm too ugly for you, I'm too much. Why are you still by my side? God... aren't you tired of me? Aren't you.....why do you even love someone like me?" You sobbed and you could hear a sharp breathe coming from the other side.

"y/n.." he sounded sad, maybe disappointed. Was he disappointed in you? Was he crying because of you?

"I'm sorry.." you sobbed out again and you could hear every little breathe he took. "Listen...baby you're not too much and ugly? God. I've never ever seen someone as pretty as you ever, if only-" he took a deep breathe "if only you could see yourself the way i see you, if only i was there to hold you right now...but I'm not, so stay for me, please if you can't love yourself, take care of yourself for me, i love you, i love everything you do, the way you look at me, how pretty you look when you smile, you look so pretty even when you're crying even though i hate seeing you in pain. You're so goddamn pretty y/n i don't understand why you would ever think I'll get tired of you....i could never. I may not understand what you're going through right now, but i love you and I'll always be here for me whenever you need me. I- i love you so much!!" He exclaimed and you cried back a loud "i love you so much too"

A smile adorning your face, even when tears stained your pretty cheeks as you talked to him untill your couldn't keep your eyes open.

Maybe it was going to be hard, maybe you're not worthy of anything but minho loved you, and that's all that mattered. You weren't just your body. You were wayy more than the shape your hips took or the way your tummy rolled or the chubbiness of your cheeks, you were wayy more than what your body looked like and minho made sure you knew that.

--------

This may not be accurate or fit into what you feel but this is how i feel so i wrote it accordingly. Also hope that all of you know how absolutely precious you are, how pretty you all look when you're happy and i wish you all eat well. I'm so proud of anyone suffering through such and god i love you all so much too💞💞

#skz minho #lee minho angst #minho angst #minho icons #skz angst #skz imagines #tw disordered eating #eating disoder recovery #skz #skz x reader #stray kids #straykids minho #Spotify

[ilovebokutokoutaro]

Blue

Hongjoong x reader

Warnings: suicidal tendencies, suicidal thoughts, self hatred, angst, comfort.

─┉┈◈◉◈┈┉

"i try to live in black and white but I'm do blue"

─┉┈◈◉◈┈┉

"for fucks sake i can't do anything untill you tell me what's happening...please please anything, this silence is killing me.." he whispered, own eyes tearing up and you felt a shiver run down your spine.

I'm not okay.

I wanna die.

I don't feel enough.

I wanna die.

I'm a disappointment

I wanna die.

I hate myself.....

I wanna die.

There were so many thoughts rushing in your head, tears failing to leave your eyes and so you remained quiet as he stared at you.

"don't wanna talk right now?..." He asked again and you mumbled a shaky yes with a sharp breathe and so he started the car again. "I'll drop myself off first" he mumbled and you nodded.

There was so much you wanted to say, you wanted to die and you had finally convinced yourself to, you had made sure the moment you reach your house you won't be a scaredy cat anymore. That you'd finally set yourself free. The fact your brain couldn't comprehend past the fact you had to die today you couldn't help but chuckle silently.

And even if you weren't so sure earlier the moment he neared his house you were damn sure if you left alone today you won't make it out alive. The drive was barely a minute but the amount of times you considered speaking up was abnormal.

Your eyes widening as he pulled out the seat belt collecting his stuff and each second felt like a whole damn hour, hands trembling as you pulled yourself out of the seat, walking around the car to reach the drivers seat with your head down, eyes still wide open but no tears came out.

And finally the realisation stuck to you, today was your last day with him, last time you ever see him and so you pulled him into a hug. "I love you.." you whispered softly and he let out a shaky i love you too. Before he could even embrace you properly you pulled yourself away from him immediately jumping inside the car and starting the engine.

What snapped you out of your thoughts to kill yourself was the dog jumping in your way, your feet hitting the break and you jerked forward, heart thumping as you realised what you were just about to do.

Eyes tearing up as you drove away convincing yourself it'll be okay....knowing he'd just move on someday either way. The drive to your house was filled with loud sobs filling your small car. "I'm sorry I'm sorry" you yelled out loud as you trembled horribly.

"please.." you begged, to no one in particular, if only your wished passed through to some god. If only you could get rid of such horrible feelings. If only you were never born. And before you know you were standing in front of the mirror, stripped into nothing but a tank top and shorts, the sight disgusted you, it really really did.

God you hated yourself so much. So goddamn much, the scars burning your thighs, stretch marks making you want to scratch it all away, your heart ached as you stared at the reflection of the person you hated more than anything and anyone.

You never looked good, you were never deserving of anything he gave you. You would forever only be a disappointment and you knew you'd regret it for ages to come if you did not kill yourself tonight.

You did not want to do it, you did not want to end everything, but the way it all hurt even when you were okay, even when everything was going well, it still hurt so much, you still wanted to die, no matter how good life gets you could never get rid of the feeling of disappearing forever.

You could never not hate yourself.

And so you stared crazily at your reflection, tears adorning your cheeks and it made you look horrible, you were horrible.

Slowly turning around as you walked out of your apartment, it was 2 in the morning and no one could be awake.

Goosebumps ran on your skin as the wind pierced through your bare body.

The only decision you'd ever like from yourself was living here, in a building so tall that you were sure to die of you jumped from the rooftop.

And you smiled at the thought, taking the stairs to buy yourself some time, wishing maybe you'd not want to die when you reached the rooftop.

Rooftop 2 floor away from yours.

Each step felt heavier than the last, each step you remembered how hongjoong held you, how he kissed you, the feeling of his bare body against yours, the feeling of his hand holding your cold ones, his smile, how much you loved him.

How utterly betrayed he'll feel when he gets to know this, how....painful it'll be for him.

And before you knew you were standing on the edge on the roof, phone in your hands as you dialed his number, you needed him. Soon. You couldn't dare drive, so you sat hugging yourself on the cold edge of the roof.

One ring.

Two ring.

Three ring-

"hello..." His voice sounded groggy, deep and raspy and you could tell he was asleep, no words could escape your teeth, no matter how hard you tried.

After a moment of silence hongjoong sounded fully awake as he uttered out your name in panic, and a sob escaped your lips, "come. Please come." You sobbed and you could hear him shuffling in an instant.

"in a second baby, hold on for me yeah?" He huffed and you sobbed, nodding as if he could see. You really didn't want to die afterall.

"roof" you told him as he asked you where you were, you could hear his keys jingling and the engine starting and sighed.

Were you even ready to face him?

Maybe you weren't, but you really needed him right now.

Really.

"I'm almost there.." he panted out "I love you" he muttered and you could hear him getting out of the car, at this point you were only breathing on the call, not even crying as you waited hopelessly for him.

And barely a fee minutes passed as you heard him panting as he ran up the last few stairs, eyes tearing up as you caught sight of him.

"oh god" he mumbled, dropping his phone as he rushed to you. "What's wrong baby?" He asked but you only crawled in his arms and he sighed wrapping his jacket around your bare body.

Your loud sobs breaking his heart as he coddled you against his chest. "I don't wanna die..." You choked out and you could hear a shaky breathe from him.

"please don't.." was all he mumbled pulling you even closer as he sat with you in his lap. Tears wetting your head as he broke down with you.

"please.." he begged, holding you so tight...as if you'd leave the moment he let go.

And maybe you wouldn't, you couldn't. The moment you saw his face you knew you had to live, for him...for you loved him.

#hongjoong #hongjoong angst #ateez angst #ateez imagines #ateez fanfic #ateez fluff #ateez comfort #ateez ff #ateez #ateez scenarios #ateez san #ateez yeosang

[ilovebokutokoutaro]

I hate you, i love you..

Hyunjin x reader

Warnings: angst, no happy ending, no comfort, cheating, being used, crying.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

"Loving him was like an arrow to my heart"

≿————-　❈　————-≾

"i sometimes feel like he's only with me because he hates her.....i don't know it seems like a challenge, as if he's only keeping me around to...to keep himself from going back to her as if he's holding himself back...as if I'm just an excuse.."

You muttered, eyes tearing up and a lump forming in your throat. It was how hyunjin acted, it was the challenge that showed in his eyes as he looked at her, she was desperately working to get him back and he'd ignore her, at times...

You wondered if maybe you didn't enter at this part of his life maybe he'd have loved you for you than to hold himself back, you could feel the taunts lacing his voice as he spoke to her and han. The one she cheated on him with, his best friend.

Hyunjin had cried for hours, for days, stumbling into your apartment at ungodly hours of night and burying himself in your arms, he knew you liked him, you had confessed about two months ago.

And he chuckled, knowing well he was dating someone else and you did too. You just wanted to let him know so now he knew.

It only took him 4 weeks to ask you to date him, but keep it secret because he's not ready to show it off yet, he loved you, he did. It showed.

He'd protect you from everything, he'd hold your close, kiss you like he meant it, he loved you like he meant it. But you could see the pain attached to his heart, you could feel it in the way he shook at their what could have been a first year anniversary if she didn't cheat on him.

You saw the way he shut up entirely, something he never did on her birthday. "It was just because she ditched me on her birthday i don't feel shit for her!" He explained when you uttered out the worries eating you up, he loved you. Just not as much as he loved her.

And that's why you sat there sobbing alone, talking to your best friend as if it would heal the pain burning your heart out.

And maybe that's why your friend had nothing to comfort you, maybe cuz it was all obvious.

Only a few close friends knew of you, you'd act like a couple but no one really cared cuz that's how you both always were. You were closest to hyunjin even before you all started dating and maybe that's why you could notice all the little trembles that shook your world into falling apart.

And maybe that's why you weren't surprised when you caught hyunjin fighting with her, telling her all that she did wrong as if he had never moved on, and you wondered if he had ever.

He stated he loved you but you knew he loved her too...way more than he loved you.

You could hear the loud shouts of how he tried everything, how he cried out that he used you, and you weren't surprised.

"I used her to get better but i can't feel anything anymore and it's all your fault!! YOU MADE ME SO MISERABLE HOW DARE YOU STILL ME TO COME BACK, WHY DO I FEEL SO HURT WHEN YOU CRY LIKE THIS?! You've ruined me! You've ruined everything i had, and you've made me ruin her too, i- WHY?! was i not enough?! Pls was i not enough?! You've done all this to me and now made me do the same thing you did to me! You- i cheated on her. I was dating y/n! It's all your fault i rea-"

And that was the last straw, your phone falling out your hands as the words finally hit. Eyes tearing up as they both flinched, "y-y/n??!" Hyunjin muttered eyes widening as you quickly picked up your phone and fumbled out of the rooftop, this was the worst place to be crying at.

Oh god you needed to leave, "y/n wait baby please!" He cried, loud sobs breaking your heart even more, you hated hyunjin, you hated how much you loved him. Cuz you couldn't stop crying even when all your friends were in your sight.

Instead sobbing louder as he grabbed your hand, "I'm so sorry!" He whimpered, falling onto his knees as he begged for some obvious forgiveness you weren't willing to give.

Eyes drying up as you hiccuped, "i- i did not know! Y/n I'm sorry it was me! I kissed him it was not his fault!" Your heard her cry from the back and you huffed, you could hear the gasps and mutters as one of your friends scoffed and yelled at her, of which you couldn't hear a word.

"what did you do hyunjin?....she kissed you and...what did you do?" You sniffled and it shut almost everyone up as they all stared at you and hyunjin, at the lack of answer you couldn't help but break down harder as you snatched you hands from his comforting ones.

"you played me for 6 months..." You whispered, eyes blurring up over and over as you stared at him.

His own eyes bloodshot as he stared at you desperately. "I'm sorry.." was all he could utter and you sighed.

Turning around to leave, left to cry by yourself cuz maybe it was only you always, cuz you knew this was coming.

Cuz you loved him.

----------

Just got outta the hospital after an appendix operation so here is a small idea that came to my mind😭

#skz hyunjin #hyunjin angst #hwang hyunjin #hyunjin comfort #hyunjin #hyunjin ff #skz imagines #skz angst

[ilovebokutokoutaro]

Calamitous

Bang chan x reader

Warning: self harm, angst, crying, suicidal thoughts, character death. (Idk if i left something here...) Just sad.

❀•°❀°•❀•°❀°•❀°•❀

"i loved him, he loved me and everyone else seemed to love the idea of us not existing."

❀•°❀°•❀•°❀•°❀°•❀

At first, it was nothing but a small urge to hug him, to bury yourself in his embrace, breathe in only his scent, to get rid of the harsh colours of the world and maybe rest your eyes with the dullness of his clothes. He loved black, he looked amazing in black as well.

No. Actually chan looked amazing in anything and you'd still feel at peace if he were to wear neon pink or green, because the colours weren't hurting you, it was just the presence of anyone except him.

"THIS IS PURE BULLSHIT, THIS IS NOT WHAT I ASKED OF YOU L/N Y/N!!" Your boss yelled, a stack of paper slapping your face as your nails picked at your skin unconsciously. You could hear small whispers from your colleagues, but nothing made sense in your ears.

"she probably thinks she can be all that jsut because she's an idol's girlfriend."

"bet he's only staying with her because she serves him well in bed."

"bangchan deserves so much better than this whore."

"look at her, what does he even see in her?"

It was always the same. The same threats, same insults, everywhere you went and the colours seemed to become too bright the more you looked.

You always hated bright things as a child, finding peace in the dullness, a dullness people built inside you as you grew up, constant insults at the way you looked, the way you walked....and maybe the way you breathed too.

The whole night was spent marking your skin to punish yourself for existence and the next day you were standing in front of your boss again, politely putting your resignation letter in front of him and then you bowed and left.

Collecting your stuff from your previous desk, you picked up the small Polaroid picture of you and chan stuck to your table as you left, bidding goodbye to no one.

Chan didn't come home last night and you couldn't blame him, the upcoming comeback had all the boys tired.

stuffing all your stuff in the car, you were finally seated, with your head on the steering wheel waiting for your boyfriend to pick up.

"hey sweetheart!" He greeted cheerfully and you guessed he was on a lunch break, the noise from the other side blocking your trail of thoughts for a while.

"hellooo noonaaa!" You heard a loud cheer and assumed it was hyunjin, smiling as you greeted him back softly.

"i resigned chan." You sighed, you hands bleeding with the way you dug your nails inside your palm and chan stayed quiet for a good while, pulling the anxiety higher in your chest untill you felt breatheless.

"is everything okay?" Chan asked knowing this was all he had to ask. "Yeah ofc it is. I just- just did not want to do this job anymore!" You excused yourself eyes bubbling up with tears knowing damn well nothing was okay.

"y/n this is the 4th job in the past 6 months." Chan whispered and you wished he didn't sound so disappointed. Maybe that'd have kept your from digging into your purse for a blade.

"i know chan, i guess I'll take a break for a while." You stated, tears bubbling up as you dug the blade in your wrist before pulling it away leaving a mark which would fade away soon.

"you know I'm here for you right? You can always talk to me if something's bothering you....you know that right, sweetheart?" Chan sounded very much disturbed at the way you sucked in a breathe before telling him you were okay...again.

Lies. He thought, but could do nothing.

"I'll be back early today, okay?" Chan sighed, not wanting to pressure you. "Ofc." You cheered, tears now streaming down your cheeks as you abruptly cut the call and sent him a text of how the network wasn't so well here.

The drive home was silent, a small bubble of guilt bubbling up in your chest and then you pulled over to a stop. Catching the sight of full tank you couldn't help but sigh in relief, hours of driving and driving and it was finally evening.

The sky dark, and showering you with more thoughts of death than you'd like to have, tho the sight in your living room was far so opposite.

"y/n! Where were you? Why didn't you pick the phone up?! I was so worried!" Chan cried the second you entered the living room. The room looked cozy and warm, polar opposite of the way your heart was freezing to death as you watched all the members looking at you with bright smiles as they greeted you.

"i suppose you're all done with the preparations." You smiled, walking past chan, referring to the comeback and changbin let out a loud "fuck yes!!!" Making you chuckle.

"would you all like some cookies i baked yesterday?" You asked and chan sighed at the way the loud shrieks of yes had him shutting his ears off.

You were the same age as chan and just as much of the mother figure to the group as chan was a father.

"y/n. Don't avoid me." Chan stated, pressing against your back as he hugged you tight. "I'm not, love." You stated, straining your neck up to peck his jaw. "Are you sure you're okay?" Chan sighed again, bending down to rest himself on your shoulder and you huffed. "It doesn't matter channie."

With that you were out of his arms and gone, sitting in between jeongin who was immediately cuddled upto your side the moment you sat your ass down and seungmin who just enjoyed your cookies with a monotonous expression after complimenting you a tons.

And then chan came back to the living room, shooing jeongin away from you, despite his loud protests and sitting himself next to you as he looked at you helplessly.

And before you knew you were at the end of two movies, all the members huddled into the living room asleep but your eyes relfected the bright colours on the telivision screen blankly.

You didn't remember a scene in any movie, thoughts far too overly occupied with the thoughts of how useless you were, how you pulled chan's imagine down over and over again, how you were only ever a disappointment, how you were better off dead.

"y/n." Chan tried again and you were snapped out of your thoughts as you glanced around at the boys sleeping peacefully around you. "I'll get them some blankets." You stated skipping throught the room easily with chan hopelessly following behind you.

As you draped the blankets over changbin at last you let out a loud sigh. "Let's head to bed." You decided and chan followed you to your bedroom, pushing you back against the door as you shut it close to avoid letting you slip past again.

"what is wrong y/n?" He pressed again and you let out a low chuckle. "Give me a hug channie." You whispered, head hanging low as your body slacked and you were immediately in his arms the moment the sentence left your lips.

You sighed into his shoulder as you stared past him, his embrace doing nothing but letting you off your own weight as you watched the rain wet the surroundings out of your window.

You sometimes wondered if dating chan was the wrong choice, he could've literally just blinked and gotten someone farrrr better than you were, someone who wouldn't drag down his image by just existing, someone who would look good by his side, unlike you. Someone who'd not disappoint him everyday unlike you. Someone, anyone but you. Literally everyone was indeed better than you.

"i wish i never existed channie" you sobbed after hours, caressing his sleeping face, he looked calm, he looked at peace and you wondered if he'd have been happier if you just didn't exist, all you ever brought to him was worry.

Maybe you were more selfish that you thought you were, cause as hard as you tried you couldn't bring yourself to let him go. You couldn't bring yourself to let it be, couldn't stop yourself as you pecked his forehead, tears streaming down you cheeks as you tried to hold back on your sobs.

It's been ages since you last slept and you wished you could sleep even for an hour to escape the horrible thoughts filling your head.

Maybe you were really better off dead.

The next morning, you were up before everyone else. Not like you had to actually get up from sleep either way, a small groan leaving your lips and you made your way down the kitchen, body aching as you pulled the fridge open wondering what to cook for breakfast.

That was untill you realised they didn't deserve to be eating something as shitty as your cooking and let out a small laugh, shutting the door back close as you left a small note on the dining table about going out for a walk.

You grabbed your jacket, and a hat, hiding yourself away from the world as you walked in the dark before the sunrise. The streets were as empty as you wanted them to be, the dark clouds indicating it'd rain today.

And yes it did rain, water spilling down your clothes as you finally made it to the front door, pulling the door open as you shivered. "Y/n!!!" You could hear chan shriek, your eyes watching a puddle form near your feet. "I want to break up." Was what you wanted to say, but could only mutter and small "no" as you ran upto your room slamming the door shut and locking it before you pulled the curtains to the room close, hiding yourself away in the dark, recalling the words from a few moments ago.

"hey! Isn't she the girlfriend of bangchan? From stray kids?" You heard someone whisper and your breathe felt caught up in your throat. suddenly regretting even thinking of going out on your own like this.

"she's actually uglier than i thought" one of them snickered and your pace fastened, hating the way they followed you just to throw insults at you. "Hopefully she breaks up with him soon instead of dragging our chan down like that!" One of them complained and you chuckled, that was exactly what you wished to do.

"she's too thin, and looks lame, that jacket looks ugly on her too- wait isn't that channie's?!" They complained and you felt your heart thumping hard against your chest, it wasn't the first time this has happened to you, in fact, being criticised the moment you walked out of your house was something you horribly used to, at times some of the fans would physically attack you and what wasn't okay was the way you thought you deserved it all.

You saw this coming as she pulled the collar of you jacket back, another one of them throwing away your hat as they circled you. "Omg it's really her!" You could almost feel the hatred lacing their voice as they whispered about how ugly you were.

"I'm not the type to meddle, but i think you should break up for your own good, channie deserves wayy better and it'd be better if you let him go for your own sake- i say this for you." One of them suggested, while scanning your face with disgust and you nodded.

Pushing them away as you ran back home, rain starting to mix with your tears as your nose choked up and breathing shallowed. You really just wanted to be dead. Why were you so scared? What were you so scared of? What were you holding on for? There were too many questions and you had answers to none.

That's how suicidal thoughts grow, they slowly take a few minutes to settle in your head for a while before rooting themselves inside for ages to go and you don't really remember an age where you didn't wish to die. But never had you so desperately wanted to give up on everything....on everyone...on chan.

It wasn't his fault, it definitely wasn't, it'll never be. But you couldn't help but blame him for everything happening to you, you were on a phase far out of blaming yourself anymore, you wished to die to take revenge on everyone who spouted bullshit on your face. But each time you remembered no one would bat an eye on your death, no one would care enough to call it revenge but maybe since no one really cares either way why live in such agony? When you could just be dead and over it...why do you have to live in such pain?

All the routes in your head ultimately brought you to death and you were a little disappointed over the way no one seemed to get how deeply affected you were by the small comments passed by what they thought was just them but almost each and every person around you.

You knew it's hurt when you both first went public and hated whoever of chan's fan's that had no space in the head for privacy, the person who took your pics and revealed it to the world. Revealed you openely to a deadly cave. Maybe the person hating on your thought you had everything but there was only so much hate you could take...only so much.

You didn't expect everyone to accept you, but you also didn't wish to be bombarded with nothing but insults and threats. Dating chan may have been a wrong choice afterall.

And you sat, head burried into your arms as you choked on sobs, the room feeling low and cold, ignoring the loud yells from outside as you pulled your hair to shut your brain up.

You wanted to scream, but why would someone ever even listen to you? At this point breaking up with chan just didn't seem enough because no matter how much you despise being put in the centre of all the attention, you'd still be remembered as bangchan's ex. And maybe when he gets someone better, someone he deserves you'd be left alone, but were you even willing to watch him smile so lovingly for someone else? No. You were not. You would never be. And maybe that's why the sleeping pill bottle that had fallen down last night in your attempts to throw your hands on the wall hard enough to make your bones crack, seemed more appealing than anything.

And after 5 years as chans stood in front of your grave again. He wondered what was the last thought in your head before you decided to leave him, without any explainations and maybe the sudden blow of love on the internet was enough to explain how wrongly you were treated, he couldn't help but blame himself for he did not see you suffering through the small smiles you shared with the members.

And he was sorry cuz as he again remembered the small voice note you left. "I'm sorry chan, you'll be happier with anyone else." Anyone else, anyone else it said, not someone else. Maybe it was because he could overthink so easily did he get the meaning behind your words. It wasn't a mistake, you meant it. You told him you were no good, you told him you were being hated, that everyone had told you that you were no good, that any person except yourself were better for him.

And maybe so he couldn't even look at any other person in the eyes as he remembered your words, challenging you unconsciously, telling you no one else could beat you, no one else could change the place you had for him, that he couldn't even be happy let alone happier with anyone except for you.

But he'd live, to prove he was unhappy without you and will forever be.

---------------------

Please be gentle to idols and their choices, you don't own them, and your comments affect people more than you think they do, if you don't have anything positive to say just don't.

#skz chan #skz moodboard #skz icons #skz imagines #skz angst #angst #chan comfort #bang chan #bangchan angst #stray kids angst #stray kids comfort #stray kids #bang chris #chan angst

[ilovebokutokoutaro]

I really don't have anything more to write in this story for now. As time goes by, if there's something I'd like to add I'll make a part 3, but for now this story is done for me. I'm sorry but i really don't think I'd be writing any other part for it anytime sooner. Also thank you for support🥺💜

𝗦𝘁𝗶𝗴𝗺𝗮

Oikawa x reader/ part 1 / part 2

𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: 𝐬𝐦𝐮𝐭, 𝐮𝐧𝐫𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐢𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞, 𝐡𝐮𝐫𝐭, 𝐧𝐨 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐭, 𝐜𝐫𝐲𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐭, 𝐚 𝐥𝐨𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐭, 𝐭𝐨𝐱𝐢𝐜 𝐛𝐞𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐫 (𝐢 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐭𝐨𝐨𝐫𝐮 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐢𝐬 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐚 𝐟𝐟, 𝐢 𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐦𝐞𝐚𝐧 𝐡𝐞'𝐬 𝐭𝐨𝐱𝐢𝐜)

• • • • • • •

"𝐢 𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐫𝐞𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐭 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐡𝐢𝐦 𝐢 𝐫𝐞𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐡𝐢𝐦"

• • • • • • •

Oikawa regretted it the second he woke up, he felt dread pick up at his skin as he saw your body lie next to him. Your hands held his arms with a desperation and it was as if you knew he'd leave. It was as if you knew he lied to you. His fingers slowly brushed the lose strands of hair behind your ear and his breathe hitched at the redness under your eye.

You looked so pretty to him.....but not pretty enough. You looked so lovely to him.....but not lovable enough. And even if he knew walking out of that room meant end, he could help but pull his arm out of you grasp, he couldn't help but slide back into his clothes before he gathered his stuff up from the room. The small urge to stay pricking up at his heart had him folding your clothes and resting them on the edge on the bed.

A sigh left his chapped lips as he felt tears building up in his eyes, it wasn't his fault....how could he resist when you begged him like that...but he couldn't do anything more for you. He found himself walking out of the room then the apartment then out of the street your small apartment lied in.

And each step got heavier but he knew you weren't good enough for him, she was better. His feet carried him to her apartment and then he was banging his fists at her door. Before he could process he was already pulling her into his chest, holding her in his arms as he cried about how much he loved her and how he couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't deal with relationships and even if he liked you, being with you wouldn't do him any good. He was too scared to make any efforts into being with you and maybe this was why he sat holding someone else's hand while secretly glancing at you.

Your eyes looked droopy, as if you were tired of something and he blamed you for not talking to him, a small fury building at the fact you weren't asking him to come back. You loved him, you said. So how could you forget him so easily? He watched as you dug your nails in your palm while he laughed with her. And he felt a sense of accomplishment when your eyes bubbled up with tears.

He couldn't love you but he couldn't just let you go either and it would be a lie if i said you weren't getting tired of him. It was starting to fade away slowly, the love was turning into hate and at this point you didn't care what happened to him. Even tho you knew he had power over you, you knew you couldn't let him overpower the will to leave.

The past few months were hard to you and anyone who told you to just move and be happy that it is not as hard as you were making it should be punched directly into the face. Except the fact no one actually knew about anything oikawa had done to you, you could do nothing. Even if you were to sit there and scream for ages you knew he wasn't the one you needed anymore, the hopes that things could have been different still clinged to your heart.

But you knew better, you knew it wasn't him that you craved anymore, no more pain, no more of him. That's why maybe sipping at your fav drink while you chatted away with your friends as he side eyed your figure to get just any reactions from you didn't bug you anymore.

You had come to accept the fact no matter how loud you screamed or how hard you begged he would never hear you. He chose not to understand and you chose not to make him understand.

At first oikawa felt okay just by seeing you tearing up at how he held her, slowly the adverse reactions changed to indifference, and he enjoyed it throughout untill he found you slipping too far away from his grasp. He couldn't change things if he wanted to and he knew, but the rage of knowing you weren't in love with him anymore...just....just struck him so hard.

"i need to use the restroom~" you whined, as your friend clinged to your arm, not letting you go, your attempts futile. Oikawa didn't like the way you stood up with much efforts, he didn't like the way every other person there teased you and the guy who clinged to you. 'Ooohhh's and whistles echoing through the room as he asked for a kiss in return to letting you go. Your face flushed as you hit his head, yanking your hand as you rushed off to the restroom laughing.

Oikawa could feel his hands burning to rip that guy's throat apart and he huffed at the way you looked like you were having the time of your life, you were supposed to love him and only him. How could you move on so quickly.

"he's adorable" you giggled drying your hands before opening the door to the restroom open, only to be pushed back inside, the sound of door locking echoing through the small room. "Oikawa?" You grumbled, hissing at the way he harshly grabbed your arm. "Let me fucking go." You warned as his grip tightened. "Didn't glare at that lil hoe of yours like this when he was all over you though" he growled, pushing your body back against the wall.

Your movement stopped, all the attempts to get out of his grip halting and then you half scoffed half laughed, looking at him as if he's gone crazy. "What the actual fuck do you not get in minding your own motherfucking business." You didn't remember the last time you talked to rudely to someone, not untill today. Your hands pushed at his chest, making him let go of your arms as he stumbled a few steps backwards.

"i don't have anything to say anymore oikawa- even if i do...... isn't the only thing you want to hear is me crying and apologising? Everything is always my own fault afterall..." You chuckled, eyes dropping as he gulped audibly, your voice was barely above a whisper and he only realised how you scratched up your skin when you felt sad or nervous, how your lips turned down and he suddenly felt really really aware of how much he has utterly destroyed you.

With that you were out of his sight again, and by the time he collected himself and reached the hall you were gone. You weren't here anymore and even as he sat with his gf hands in hands he still felt his heart turning into knots at the hopeless look you had on your face.

And after everything he could only apologise, but then again what would he apologise for? Was there any apology that could rip off the trauma he sewed so painfully to every inch of you skin?

Tears finally bubbled up in your eyes as you trudged past the stony pathway, falling freely yet again after months. You couldn't keep yourself from sobbing and you didn't want to. "Why does he not leave me tf alone?" you cried kicking a stone on your way, your soft cries pouring out everything you buried deep inside your chest.

You wished you could tell someonex you wished you could cry harder, you wished the pain would vanish but you knew the moment his touch burned your skin. When your heart throbbed again, and maybe he really did care and at the same time you knew the moment you go back, he wouldn't.

It was all about everyone else but you, it was about him, it was about her, but never about you. You never really mattered anyway.

Why did he have to go ahead and date your only friend? Who could you go to after this? Even if you felt like dying you really wouldn't have anyone- actually not. "Oh god-" you rushed to pull out your phone as you remembered you did have someone maybe to help you throughout this.

"please pick up-" you sobbed out as a few rings passed by. "Hello?" You heard from the other side and suddenly all words felt stuck in your throat. "Y/n?" The voice muttered, lacing with concern and it had you breaking down further. "Haji-" you cried, sobs wrecking through your whole body. "Oh god- what happened?" Iwaizumi panicked through the other side and you felt more breathless as you cried throughout the walk home, with iwaizumi telling you he was here and would be at your place in a few minutes.

You cried incoherent words to him and the moment you saw him standing in front of your house with the phone pressed against his ear, you let out the loudest cry and ran to him jumping into his arms the second he processed you were here.

"oh my-" he groaned stumbling but catching you through the jump regardless. "It fucking hurts so bad- i hate him so much." You sobbed and iwaizumi could finally tell what this was all about.

"let's go inside?" He asked and you nodded against his chest, refusing to let him go. He chuckled, picking you up in his arms as he walked to the door, fetching the key from you before pushing the door open. He finally put you back down as he reached the show racks. "Why are you even wearing these heels?" He grumbled, pushing off his shoes as he watched you struggle with yours.

These heels were a gift given to you by iwaizumi's mother and as beautiful as the heels were they were very hard to put on and get out of. The moment you finally pushed the heels off you were back into jumping on iwaizumi again. Feeling your heart finally ease up through the pain.

"oh god what tf did this dumbass do behind my back-" iwaizumi growled pulling you to sit on the couch. "Water?" He asked and you hummed to which he nodded and walked towards your kitchen. Having been at your place far too many times to know his way inside.

And the moment he left, you felt your nails digging up in your palms again, which was also the reason you rushed off after him and were now sitting on the kitchen counter as he plopped on a chair he dragged near you.

"so?" He started and you sighed, fidgeting with the glass resting against your palms which he pulled out of your grasp and put his hand there instead.

"i- i don't know where to start-" you choked and iwaizumi caressed your hand, passing you a sympathetic smile at which tears flooded your vision again. "As you know- things between me and......to- oikawa haven't been so well, when we got into the same college, we found some new friends and- and he has been- idk? So mean to me since then. Treating me like shit and-" you were cut off with a squeeze on your hand as iwaizumi mumbled a quick "have you confronted him yet?" His voice low and you knew he was mad, not at you tho.

"yes- so many fucking times and he slept with me haji, he fucking slept with me after everything i told him, after everytime i told him how much it hurt, after telling me my fucking feelings were invalid, he never understood me and I'm tired ik he never would, he doesn't even try and you know the irony? He went ahead and dated my closest friend here right after, like literally the morning after fucking up my guts. I knew he was lying- but but he said he won't leave so many times- and i told him he would- i told him he would leave and he kissed me telling me he won't. Then just as I'm finally getting rid of all these messed up feelings he goes ahead and talks to me as if i belong to him- he gets jealous of someone else touching me, when all this time he eased at watching me tear up and rip my skin as he held someone else and i feel so fucking us-ed."

"oh my god" iwaizumi sighed, standing up as he pulled you into his chest again. "It fucking hurts so bad" you sobbed against his shoulder, hands fumbling to grip his shirt tight as he stroked your head in hopes of bringing any type of confort to you.

Your words may not make much sense to anyone else but you knew iwaizumi would understand, you knew he would understand no matter how messed up the sentences had to be. "Y/n- hey come on look at me." Iwaizumi confronted, pulling away as you looked at him and he felt his heart aching at the sight of your bloodshot eyes, nose and cheeks flushing as tears flowed freely down your cheeks.

"you should've called me earlier i would've kicked his dick off" iwaizumi sighed, wiping your cheeks off the tears. "Haji i feel so dirty, no matter how many times i wash myself off i still feel his touch everywhere, i feel so fucking dirty-" you sobbed, bringing up your knees to your chest as you sobbed again. Putting a distance between hajime and you because you felt like he'd find you disgusting, just like you did.

And iwaizumi was quick to call oikawa and you panicked at the sound of ringing. "Ha- iwa no!!" You squealed and iwazumi grabbed you hands, motioning for you to shut up. "I love you." He whispered to you as he pecked your forehead.

"oikawa what the actual fuck?!" Iwaizumi growled through the phone and the way his voice went so deep you knew he'd rip oikawa's throat off if the said man was here. "Iwa-chan!!! What's wrong?" Oikawa huffed playfully and you chuckled. "Don't you fucking iwa chan me right now, you know exactly what you did." Iwaizumi huffed, holding both your trembling hands in his one as he gave you a warning glace to stop scratching yourself up, which you immediately obeyed.

"oh. I thought you were close to my house or something but it's just about y/n isn't it?" Oikawa said and you hated the way you could listen through their convo, a choked sob making it's way past your lips at his cruel choice of words.

"what the actual fuck are you saying, do you even fucking hear yourself oikawa?!" Iwaizumi yelled and panicked at the way your hands trembled even harder against his.

"I'll be back in a second." Iwaizumi pressed his lips against your forehead once again as he left to your bedroom and shut the door close, leaving you alone to your thoughts. And suddenly all the things you refused to accept came in easy to you.

Oikawa really didn't care about you and you knew it now, you sat there pulling at your skin as his words echoed past in your head to which you put your hands against your ears, sobs yet again managing to take full control of you.

"come with me" iwaizumi growled as he pulled you off the counter suddenly, putting on his hoodie over your head as he pulled you out of the door to your house, and locked the door before rushing to his car and sitting you down.

"where are we-" you started but iwaizumi shut the door close hard, "let me." He stated after getting into his seat, pulling both your seatbelts to safety before driving off in a hurry.

The ride was silent with your thoughts burying every inch of you in disgust. "Ugh" you groaned, feeling like throwing up as you remembered the way he held you that night.

Iwaizumi passed you a concerned glance as you doubled over in nausea. And before you knew the car suddenly stopped, iwaizumi coming out to pull you out of your seat as he rushed off to somewhere, you barely being able to look up because you knew what was going to happen.

"oh- iwa chan!" Oikawa greeted and your head ached at his cheery voice before you heard a loud slap echo and you finally looked up to see oikawa laying down on the street and your friends freezing in spot. "Y/n?! Oh my god have you been crying? What's going on?" Oikawa's girlfriend gasped rushing to pull you into a hug and you suddenly felt very aware of how you couldn't stop crying.

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU KNOW?!" Oikawa yelled pushing iwaizumi hard as he stumbled a few steps back and scoffed. "Every fucking thing." Iwaizumi growled and oikawa looked at you with such a stare you wanted to pull his eyes out.

"tooru!" His girlfriend warned and he huffed. "You only know everything from her side, and you're taking sides already?" Oikawa laughed and you couldn't help but bury your face in your friend's neck, refusing to look at oikawa any longer.

"oh? Have you got anything to explain over how you slept with her and told her you won't leave her only to go ahead and date someone else the morning after." Iwaizumi asked actually feeling amused at the audacity.

You quickly pulled your hand up to your ears as your friend hugged you tighter, you could feel her heart thumping against her chest as her hands trembled.

"y/n....?" She whispered, voice shaky and you sobbed out a series of I'm sorry. All your friend now huddling close to you as you shut your eyes close in pain. "She's- NO BABY SHE'S LYING!" Oikawa hesitantly yelled and you could hear the awkward silence before she yelled out a "I CAN FUCKING TELL WHO'S LYING. I knew it was weird how you came to me suddenly and asked me to be your girlfriend, i knew it was weird how you avoided y/n right after we started dating, i knew it was weird how you glanced at her everytime we held hands. How you were so much clingier with me when she was with us. I fucking hate you so much" she cried and you felt your heart aching at the realisation no one was blaming you.

"baby.." oikawa groaned before turning his attention to you, "it was cuz you kept begging, it's all your fault, i get it i was wrong at times, but it was almost always your fault. Even now i bet you might've fed iwa chan with your body, are you jealous iwa chan? That she loves me and not you?" oikawa scoffed and you could actually feel your blood boiling.

"what are you-" iwaizumi started, feeling his heart clenching at the harsh words. He expected a lot of shit from his best friend but this was beyond even his expectations and maybe because oikawa acted exactly how you expected him to you couldn't help but pull yourself out from the circle if people trying to comfort you.

Rushing out of the comforting arms of your friends to tackle oikawa on the ground, "shut up. Shut up. Shut up." You sobbed, slapping, punching him as if it'd end the strorm playing in your head. "UGH I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU SO MUCH" you screamed, punching his face hard enough to make your knucles bleed and iwaizumi had to actually pick your thrashing body up to stop you from breaking his face.

"what did i do- WHAT DID I EVER DO THAT WAS SO WRONG FOR YOU TO TREAT ME LIKE THIS?!" You yelled, pulling your own hair in frustration as iwaizumi let you down. Oikawa laid there on the ground, not moving an inch.

"i hate you too." He finally muttered, standing up to gather his stuff before walking off. One of your friends rushing after him and you immediately turned around to bury your face in iwaizumi's chest.

"I'm so sorry y/n." Oikawa's girlfriend cried, the rest of your friends rushing to soothe you and maybe this was all for the better, maybe cuz you still expected oikawa to not understand that it didn't hurt as much.

And maybe it'll all be okay soon too, what you knew right now was that you didn't love him anymore, it was all just from the trauma of being pulled and pushed around as per his will that you felt so worthless, and maybe with so much support you'd soon get over it too.

Maybe it was really all okay.

--------------

A/n: You all i cried writing this, so many breakdowns, so many times i deleted it to write this over and over untill i felt like it could reflect half of what i felt. I've gone through something like this irl, except the smut part ofc, but it still fucking hurt, most of the lines I've added in both the parts is something he has said to me and honestly there's so much more i could still add, but i couldn't get myself to relive the pain. I've learnt not to blame myself a little of few days ago. That i wasn't responsible for everything he did wrong. That hurting was really valid and that i wasn't wrong for reacting the way i did. It hurt, and i hated the way i was always to blame, i hated the way i kept blaming myself just like he did and never was really there for myself, i punished myself for not being what he wanted so many time untill i couldn't anymore and at one point i was done, done hurting myself for him. I never really got to solve this with him, and he probably gives no fucks about me leaving but I'm thankful. Thankful i left, thankful he doesn't care cuz if he did I'd walk right back into this hellhole.

This story means a whole lot to me and idk I'm just...idk what i feel about all this yet cuz I'm still healing, but I'm thankful for the people who stood by me throughout this and are still helping me gain myself back. This is not my best works and i think it's because writing this took me my everything.

Thank you for reading i love you all.

[ilovebokutokoutaro]

𝗦𝘁𝗶𝗴𝗺𝗮

Oikawa x reader/ part 1 / part 2

𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: 𝐬𝐦𝐮𝐭, 𝐮𝐧𝐫𝐞��𝐮𝐢𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞, 𝐡𝐮𝐫𝐭, 𝐧𝐨 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐭, 𝐜𝐫𝐲𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐭, 𝐚 𝐥𝐨𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐭, 𝐭𝐨𝐱𝐢𝐜 𝐛𝐞𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐫 (𝐢 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐭𝐨𝐨𝐫𝐮 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐢𝐬 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐚 𝐟𝐟, 𝐢 𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐦𝐞𝐚𝐧 𝐡𝐞'𝐬 𝐭𝐨𝐱𝐢𝐜)

• • • • • • •

"𝐢 𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐫𝐞𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐭 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐡𝐢𝐦 𝐢 𝐫𝐞𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐡𝐢𝐦"

• • • • • • •

Oikawa regretted it the second he woke up, he felt dread pick up at his skin as he saw your body lie next to him. Your hands held his arms with a desperation and it was as if you knew he'd leave. It was as if you knew he lied to you. His fingers slowly brushed the lose strands of hair behind your ear and his breathe hitched at the redness under your eye.

You looked so pretty to him.....but not pretty enough. You looked so lovely to him.....but not lovable enough. And even if he knew walking out of that room meant end, he couldn't help but pull his arm out of you grasp, he couldn't help but slide back into his clothes before he gathered his stuff up from the room. The small urge to stay pricking up at his heart had him folding your clothes and resting them on the edge on the bed.

A sigh left his chapped lips as he felt tears building up in his eyes, it wasn't his fault....how could he resist when you begged him like that...but he couldn't do anything more for you. He found himself walking out of the room then the apartment then out of the street your small apartment lied in.

And each step got heavier but he knew you weren't good enough for him, she was better. His feet carried him to her apartment and then he was banging his fists at her door. Before he could process he was already pulling her into his chest, holding her in his arms as he cried about how much he loved her and how he couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't deal with relationships and even if he liked you, being with you wouldn't do him any good. He was too scared to make any efforts into being with you and maybe this was why he sat holding someone else's hand while secretly glancing at you.

Your eyes looked droopy, as if you were tired of something and he blamed you for not talking to him, a small fury building at the fact you weren't asking him to come back. You loved him, you said. So how could you forget him so easily? He watched as you dug your nails in your palm while he laughed with her. And he felt a sense of accomplishment when your eyes bubbled up with tears.

He couldn't love you but he couldn't just let you go either and it would be a lie if i said you weren't getting tired of him. It was starting to fade away slowly, the love was turning into hate and at this point you didn't care what happened to him. Even tho you knew he had power over you, you knew you couldn't let him overpower the will to leave.

The past few months were hard to you and anyone who told you to just move on and be happy that it is not as hard as you were making it should be punched directly into the face. Except the fact no one actually knew about anything oikawa had done to you, you could do nothing. Even if you were to sit there and scream for ages you knew he wasn't the one you needed anymore, the hopes that things could have been different still clinged to your heart.

But you knew better, you knew it wasn't him that you craved anymore, no more pain, no more of him. That's why maybe sipping at your fav drink while you chatted away with your friends as he side eyed your figure to get just any reactions from you didn't bug you anymore.

You had come to accept the fact no matter how loud you screamed or how hard you begged he would never hear you. He chose not to understand and you chose not to make him understand.

At first oikawa felt okay just by seeing you tearing up at how he held her, slowly the adverse reactions changed to indifference, and he enjoyed it throughout untill he found you slipping too far away from his grasp. He couldn't change things if he wanted to and he knew, but the rage of knowing you weren't in love with him anymore...just....just struck him so hard.

"i need to use the restroom~" you whined, as your friend clinged to your arm, not letting you go, your attempts futile. Oikawa didn't like the way you stood up with much efforts, he didn't like the way every other person there teased you and the guy who clinged to you. 'Ooohhh's and whistles echoing through the room as he asked for a kiss in return to letting you go. Your face flushed as you hit his head, yanking your hand as you rushed off to the restroom laughing.

Oikawa could feel his hands burning to rip that guy's throat apart and he huffed at the way you looked like you were having the time of your life, you were supposed to love him and only him. How could you move on so quickly.

"he's adorable" you giggled drying your hands before opening the door to the restroom open, only to be pushed back inside, the sound of door locking echoing through the small room. "Oikawa?" You grumbled, hissing at the way he harshly grabbed your arm. "Let me fucking go." You warned as his grip tightened. "Didn't glare at that lil hoe of yours like this when he was all over you though" he growled, pushing your body back against the wall.

Your movement stopped, all the attempts to get out of his grip halting and then you half scoffed half laughed, looking at him as if he's gone crazy. "What the actual fuck do you not get in minding your own motherfucking business." You didn't remember the last time you talked so rudely to someone, not untill today. Your hands pushed at his chest, making him let go of your arms as he stumbled a few steps backwards.

"i don't have anything to say anymore oikawa- even if i do...... isn't the only thing you want to hear is me crying and apologising? Everything is always my own fault afterall..." You chuckled, eyes dropping as he gulped audibly, your voice was barely above a whisper and he only realised how you scratched up your skin when you felt sad or nervous, how your lips turned down and he suddenly felt really really aware of how much he has utterly destroyed you.

With that you were out of his sight again, and by the time he collected himself and reached the hall you were gone. You weren't here anymore and even as he sat with his gf hands in hands he still felt his heart turning into knots at the hopeless look you had on your face.

And after everything he could only apologise, but then again what would he apologise for? Was there any apology that could rip off the trauma he sewed so painfully to every inch of you skin?

Tears finally bubbled up in your eyes as you trudged past the stony pathway, falling freely yet again after months. You couldn't keep yourself from sobbing and you didn't want to. "Why does he not leave me tf alone?" you cried kicking a stone on your way, your soft cries pouring out everything you buried deep inside your chest.

You wished you could tell someone you wished you could cry harder, you wished the pain would vanish but you knew the moment his touch burned your skin. When your heart throbbed again, and maybe he really did care and at the same time you knew the moment you go back, he wouldn't.

It was all about everyone else but you, it was about him, it was about her, but never about you. You never really mattered anyway.

Why did he have to go ahead and date your only friend? Who could you go to after this? Even if you felt like dying you really wouldn't have anyone- actually not. "Oh god-" you rushed to pull out your phone as you remembered you did have someone maybe to help you throughout this.

"please pick up-" you sobbed out as a few rings passed by. "Hello?" You heard from the other side and suddenly all words felt stuck in your throat. "Y/n?" The voice muttered, lacing with concern and it had you breaking down further. "Haji-" you cried, sobs wrecking through your whole body. "Oh god- what happened?" Iwaizumi panicked through the other side and you felt more breathless as you cried throughout the walk home, with iwaizumi telling you he was here and would be at your place in a few minutes.

You cried incoherent words to him and the moment you saw him standing in front of your house with the phone pressed against his ear, you let out the loudest cry and ran to him jumping into his arms the second he processed you were here.

"oh my-" he groaned stumbling but catching you through the jump regardless. "It fucking hurts so bad- i hate him so much." You sobbed and iwaizumi could finally tell what this was all about.

"let's go inside?" He asked and you nodded against his chest, refusing to let him go. He chuckled, picking you up in his arms as he walked to the door, fetching the key from you before pushing the door open. He finally put you back down as he reached the show racks. "Why are you even wearing these heels?" He grumbled, pushing off his shoes as he watched you struggle with yours.

These heels were a gift given to you by iwaizumi's mother and as beautiful as the heels were they were very hard to put on and get out of. The moment you finally pushed the heels off you were back into jumping on iwaizumi again. Feeling your heart finally ease up through the pain.

"oh god what tf did this dumbass do behind my back-" iwaizumi growled pulling you to sit on the couch. "Water?" He asked and you hummed to which he nodded and walked towards your kitchen. Having been at your place far too many times to know his way inside.

And the moment he left, you felt your nails digging up in your palms again, which was also the reason you rushed off after him and were now sitting on the kitchen counter as he plopped on a chair he dragged near you.

"so?" He started and you sighed, fidgeting with the glass resting against your palms which he pulled out of your grasp and put his hand there instead.

"i- i don't know where to start-" you choked and iwaizumi caressed your hand, passing you a sympathetic smile at which tears flooded your vision again. "As you know- things between me and......to- oikawa haven't been so well, when we got into the same college, we found some new friends and- and he has been- idk? So mean to me since then. Treating me like shit and-" you were cut off with a squeeze on your hand as iwaizumi mumbled a quick "have you confronted him yet?" His voice low and you knew he was mad, not at you tho.

"yes- so many fucking times and he slept with me haji, he fucking slept with me after everything i told him, after everytime i told him how much it hurt, after telling me my fucking feelings were invalid, he never understood me and I'm tired ik he never would, he doesn't even try and you know the irony? He went ahead and dated my closest friend here right after, like literally the morning after fucking up my guts. I knew he was lying- but but he said he won't leave so many times- and i told him he would- i told him he would leave and he kissed me telling me he won't. Then just as I'm finally getting rid of all these messed up feelings he goes ahead and talks to me as if i belong to him- he gets jealous of someone else touching me, when all this time he eased at watching me tear up and rip my skin as he held someone else and i feel so fucking us-ed."

"oh my god" iwaizumi sighed, standing up as he pulled you into his chest again. "It fucking hurts so bad" you sobbed against his shoulder, hands fumbling to grip his shirt tight as he stroked your head in hopes of bringing any type of confort to you.

Your words may not make much sense to anyone else but you knew iwaizumi would understand, you knew he would understand no matter how messed up the sentences had to be. "Y/n- hey come on look at me." Iwaizumi confronted, pulling away as you looked at him and he felt his heart aching at the sight of your bloodshot eyes, nose and cheeks flushing as tears flowed freely down your cheeks.

"you should've called me earlier i would've kicked his dick off" iwaizumi sighed, wiping your cheeks off the tears. "Haji i feel so dirty, no matter how many times i wash myself off i still feel his touch everywhere, i feel so fucking dirty-" you sobbed, bringing up your knees to your chest as you sobbed again. Putting a distance between hajime and you because you felt like he'd find you disgusting, just like you did.

And iwaizumi was quick to call oikawa and you panicked at the sound of ringing. "Ha- iwa no!!" You squealed and iwazumi grabbed you hands, motioning for you to shut up. "I love you." He whispered to you as he pecked your forehead.

"oikawa what the actual fuck?!" Iwaizumi growled through the phone and the way his voice went so deep you knew he'd rip oikawa's throat off if the said man was here. "Iwa-chan!!! What's wrong?" Oikawa huffed playfully and you chuckled. "Don't you fucking iwa chan me right now, you know exactly what you did." Iwaizumi huffed, holding both your trembling hands in his one as he gave you a warning glace to stop scratching yourself up, which you immediately obeyed.

"oh. I thought you were close to my house or something but it's just about y/n isn't it?" Oikawa said and you hated the way you could listen through their convo, a choked sob making it's way past your lips at his cruel choice of words.

"what the actual fuck are you saying, do you even fucking hear yourself oikawa?!" Iwaizumi yelled and panicked at the way your hands trembled even harder against his.

"I'll be back in a second." Iwaizumi pressed his lips against your forehead once again as he left to your bedroom and shut the door close, leaving you alone to your thoughts. And suddenly all the things you refused to accept came in easy to you.

Oikawa really didn't care about you and you knew it now, you sat there pulling at your skin as his words echoed past in your head to which you put your hands against your ears, sobs yet again managing to take full control of you.

"come with me" iwaizumi growled as he pulled you off the counter suddenly, putting on his hoodie over your head as he pulled you out of the door to your house, and locked the door before rushing to his car and sitting you down.

"where are we-" you started but iwaizumi shut the door close hard, "let me." He stated after getting into his seat, pulling both your seatbelts to safety before driving off in a hurry.

The ride was silent with your thoughts burying every inch of you in disgust. "Ugh" you groaned, feeling like throwing up as you remembered the way he held you that night.

Iwaizumi passed you a concerned glance as you doubled over in nausea. And before you knew the car suddenly stopped, iwaizumi coming out to pull you out of your seat as he rushed off to somewhere, you barely being able to look up because you knew what was going to happen.

"oh- iwa chan!" Oikawa greeted and your head ached at his cheery voice before you heard a loud slap echo and you finally looked up to see oikawa laying down on the street and your friends freezing in spot. "Y/n?! Oh my god have you been crying? What's going on?" Oikawa's girlfriend gasped rushing to pull you into a hug and you suddenly felt very aware of how you couldn't stop crying.

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU KNOW?!" Oikawa yelled pushing iwaizumi hard as he stumbled a few steps back and scoffed. "Every fucking thing." Iwaizumi growled and oikawa looked at you with such a stare you wanted to pull his eyes out.

"tooru!" His girlfriend warned and he huffed. "You only know everything from her side, and you're taking sides already?" Oikawa laughed and you couldn't help but bury your face in your friend's neck, refusing to look at oikawa any longer.

"oh? Have you got anything to explain over how you slept with her and told her you won't leave her only to go ahead and date someone else the morning after." Iwaizumi asked actually feeling amused at the audacity.

You quickly pulled your hand up to your ears as your friend hugged you tighter, you could feel her heart thumping against her chest as her hands trembled.

"y/n....?" She whispered, voice shaky and you sobbed out a series of I'm sorry. All your friend now huddling close to you as you shut your eyes close in pain. "She's- NO BABY SHE'S LYING!" Oikawa hesitantly yelled and you could hear the awkward silence before she yelled out a "I CAN FUCKING TELL WHO'S LYING. I knew it was weird how you came to me suddenly and asked me to be your girlfriend, i knew it was weird how you avoided y/n right after we started dating, i knew it was weird how you glanced at her everytime we held hands. How you were so much clingier with me when she was with us. I fucking hate you so much" she cried and you felt your heart aching at the realisation no one was blaming you.

"baby.." oikawa groaned before turning his attention to you, "it was cuz you kept begging, it's all your fault, i get it i was wrong at times, but it was almost always your fault. Even now i bet you might've fed iwa chan with your body, are you jealous iwa chan? That she loves me and not you?" oikawa scoffed and you could actually feel your blood boiling.

"what are you-" iwaizumi started, feeling his heart clenching at the harsh words. He expected a lot of shit from his best friend but this was beyond even his expectations and maybe because oikawa acted exactly how you expected him to you couldn't help but pull yourself out from the circle if people trying to comfort you.

Rushing out of the comforting arms of your friends to tackle oikawa on the ground, "shut up. Shut up. Shut up." You sobbed, slapping, punching him as if it'd end the strorm playing in your head. "UGH I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU SO MUCH" you screamed, punching his face hard enough to make your knucles bleed and iwaizumi had to actually pick your thrashing body up to stop you from breaking his face.

"what did i do- WHAT DID I EVER DO THAT WAS SO WRONG FOR YOU TO TREAT ME LIKE THIS?!" You yelled, pulling your own hair in frustration as iwaizumi let you down. Oikawa laid there on the ground, not moving an inch.

"i hate you too." He finally muttered, standing up to gather his stuff before walking off. One of your friends rushing after him and you immediately turned around to bury your face in iwaizumi's chest.

"I'm so sorry y/n." Oikawa's girlfriend cried, the rest of your friends rushing to soothe you and maybe this was all for the better, maybe cuz you still expected oikawa to not understand that it didn't hurt as much.

And maybe it'll all be okay soon too, what you knew right now was that you didn't love him anymore, it was all just from the trauma of being pulled and pushed around as per his will that you felt so worthless, and maybe with so much support you'd soon get over it too.

Maybe it was really all okay.

--------------

A/n: You all i cried writing this, so many breakdowns, so many times i deleted it to write this over and over untill i felt like it could reflect half of what i felt. I've gone through something like this irl, except the smut part ofc, but it still fucking hurt, most of the lines I've added in both the parts is something he has said to me and honestly there's so much more i could still add, but i couldn't get myself to relive the pain. I've learnt not to blame myself a little of few days ago. That i wasn't responsible for everything he did wrong. That hurting was really valid and that i wasn't wrong for reacting the way i did. It hurt, and i hated the way i was always to blame, i hated the way i kept blaming myself just like he did and never was really there for myself, i punished myself for not being what he wanted so many time untill i couldn't anymore and at one point i was done, done hurting myself for him. I never really got to solve this with him, and he probably gives no fucks about me leaving but I'm thankful. Thankful i left, thankful he doesn't care cuz if he did I'd walk right back into this hellhole.

This story means a whole lot to me and idk I'm just...idk what i feel about all this yet cuz I'm still healing, but I'm thankful for the people who stood by me throughout this and are still helping me gain myself back. This is not my best works and i think it's because writing this took me my everything.

Thank you for reading i love you all.

#haikyuu angst #haikyuu #haikyuu ff #haikyuu comforting #oikawa x reader #oikawa tooru #oikawa angst #oikawa toru x reader #haikyuu oikawa #oikawa fanfiction #oikawa smut #oikawa x you #hq angst #angst #oikawa unrequited love #unrequited love #SoundCloud

[ilovebokutokoutaro]

It's upto the readers about the cheating part but he was looking at reader with guilt because he was busy with his phone while she was crying and well telling him how she felt. I just wrote this story with a lot in mind and i never knew i left so many plot holes pls😭😭😭😭😭.

Rue

Atsumu x reader

Warnings: neglection, toxic relationship, major character deaths, angst (what were you expecting from me istg😭), blood, accident, crying, gaslighting, blaming oneself.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

"maybe dying really is a relief sometimes."

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

"I'm trying to talk to you here tsumu please" you found yourself begging for yet another response from him and you couldn't help but hate it, couldn't help but hate him for making you feel like you meant nothing.

"ugh I'm not in the mood" he grumbled, pushing himself in the seat more comfortably. and it had you sighing agressively, pushing on the accelerator just a bit harder. If it was any other day you'd have waited, but how many times has it been already? When would he hear you out? How many more months untill he's in the mood to talk to you finally?

"I've waited too long miya I'm getting tired so tired of you" you cried, your eyes shutting close for a split second as the tears blurred your vision making it harder to drive in the dark rainy road.

And you hands grabbed the steering wheel untill your knuckles turned white when you heard him let out a low groan in annoyance.

"me too you know, I'm getting tired of you always fucking bothering me, i don't have time for your bullshit y/n. And what now? Trying to gain my attention by calling me miya? Bet you must be screaming other guy's name when I'm not home for a few hours-" he started and you choked back on a sob before turning to look at him.

"weeks miya atsumu, weeks. you're not home for weeks. And me? You don't even hear me screaming your name, how do u hear me screaming someone else's name when i don't even do it?" Your eyes burned as more tears blinded your visoon but you could sure see the annoyance in his face.

"maybe I've turned deaf from your constant yelling that's why i can't hear you sCreAMinG mY nAmE" he laughed, with a high pitched voice to mock your own broken cries. And you just couldn't anymore. "I think we should end this here miya" you sighed, finally feeling the courage to get yourself out from the living hellhole.

"oh please I've been asking you to stop fighting with me for ages, thank god, i thought you'd never end this nagging" he sighed, getting back on his phone and you chuckled at his lack of concern.

"not this fight....i meant us tsumu. Let's end this relationship please i can't take it anymore" you sobbed, licking your chapped and dry lips as you took in a sharp breathe.

There was a moment of silence before he looked up at you, "hm? You said sum?" And it was maybe a breaking point, your sobs couldn't seem to stop. You couldn't seem to wipe away your wet cheeks out of tears, cuz another tear would always dampen your attempts turning more and more futile.

"ugh stop crying" he grumbled his eyebrows furrowing as a pit of guilt started filling him up. He had never seen you cry like this- let alone sob so hard you could barely breathe. And the pit only grew wider with the next text he recieved.

You couldn't help it, grabbing his phone out of his hands, you couldn't stop yourself from trying to throw it in the backseat untill you saw the next picture. "Pls stop flirting with me I've a gf" you read his text followed by a nude picture of his manager, it had all hopes of making it better shattering to pieces, you told him multiple times how you didn't like his manager but he always yelled at you for being too clingy.

And immediately he was stealing his phone away from your trembling hands. You opened your lips to say something but you could feel the words dying down in your throat. Tears wouldn't stop fogging up your vision as you stared at him, you could see guilt painting his face as he finally threw his phone down. "baby i swear i can explain" he started but couldn't seem to complete as you completely broke down.

Your eyes were barely focusing on the road anymore, light gasps filled the air as you tried to catch your breathe. And the last thing you heard was atsumu's loud yelling to watch out, you could see the faint of red flashing on your side of the window and as you turned your head to look at it, your eyes widened in surprise, hitting the accelerator and wishing you'd get away before the truck hit your vehicle.

And you were sure you were almost out of the way, before feeling a huge blow at your side, head banging against the cracked glass of the window you could feel yourself losing consciousness. And the last thing on your mind was atsumu.....and his lack of comcern towards you, you kind of wished you'd not have to wake up from this terrible nightmare, you kind of wished you'd die.

Atsumu's pov:

As the situation finally start sinking in, i couldn't help but stare at her wide eyed, watching how she sobbed helplessly, and just as i was about to tell her i loved her and i was sorry i could see a truck approaching us at an illegal speed. I watched as she turned to her side and panicked. The car accelerating and i almost throught we had gotten away from it.

But the huge blow had me gasping for air, the car flipped multiple times and my eyes welled up with tears from the lack of air, the glass from my window shattering and piercing my skin, but what burned wasn't the wounds but my chest when i looked at my side.

She laid there lifeless, i could see the blood seeping out from her ear and nose along with her forehead. Oh god this isn't happening rn....i couldn't even tell her i was sorry i couldn't even tell her how much i loved her.

"pls oh god" i cried tears and blood turning my vision slightly red as i yanked at the seatbelt harshly. I could feel all the pain in my body vanish as i pulled her in my chest, crawling out of the car with her in my arms may as well be the hardest part.

As i stumbled out of the car i could feel my left leg throbbing and i collapsed, her body still safe in my arms and i wished she'd blink, her eyes were left open and her body paled to colourless. I wished this was all nightmare and i could wake up right next to her in our bed.

I hope i was dead instead. And as the thoughts of her leaving filled my brain i gasped, sobbing and pulling her into my chest.

"pls oh god pls I'm so sorry, wake up y/n you can't leave me like this I'm sorry I'm so sorry please please please" i begged cradling her bloody face in my hand as i pressed her closer to my chest, choked sobs escaping my bloodied lips as she stared into nothingness.

I could hear the sirens coming closer, and my heart stopped as they pulled her out of my arms. My heart clenching as they shook their heads, indicating she was no more. I couldn't accept it i couldn't let her go just yet. At least give me a chnace to apologise for everything i did, please just one more chance. I begged to a nameless god as i saw them shutting her eyes close with their hands, this couldn't be happening.

I couldn't even get up to bid her a goodbye as thry dragged me away to a place i couldn't comprehend. Not untill i sat wrapped in baidaids, staring at the tree far outside the window blowing softly against the wind. "Let's go..... I'm done with the formalities" osaku nudged my side and i stood up, without facing him.

I felt nothing as he sighed and walked out of the huge building, i groaned and insisted to walk instead of getting in the car. Osamu sighed before pushing me in again despite my loud yelling to let me go.

My heart ached as he started the car, memories of her lifeless body haunting me to the point of tears, i wished i was dead instead, and as i walked down the hallway, people mourning everywhere i wished she wouldn't hate me for even stepping inside a building where her funeral was held. I hoped i could showed her how much i love her just once again.

I begged for forgiveness as i stepped closer to her coffin. Her pretty smile adorning the picture put above. I slowly sat down on my knees, hands unconsciously coming into a stance of prayer as i begged for her forgiveness silently, tears flooding my eyes as i looked at her lifeless and wounded body. "I'm so- I'm so sorry" i hiccuped as my head met the hardfloor beneath.

I deserved this, i knew it very well but i was too selfish to not beg for another chance, i was too selfish to wish i was the dead one instead. I was too selfish. I wondered if i could ever get rid of this guilt, maybe in another life i would get to beg for her forgiveness, maybe in another life i wouldn't be walking aimlessly on the roadside. Maybe in another life.

And maybe my wishes came true as a huge blow struck at my side, the car screeching to a stop as i laid down a few feet away, feeling the rain burn my unhealed wounds, i could feel the unconsciousness setting in as osamu screamed at me to wake up. "I deserve it." I mumbled, grabbing his hand to stop him as he looked down at me with tears.

The last thought that occupied his head was maybe he'll get to beg for her forgiveness, he knew it was too much to ask, but so was him getting the relief of death right after her.

[ilovebokutokoutaro]

Rue

Atsumu x reader

Warnings: neglection, toxic relationship, major character deaths, angst (what were you expecting from me istg😭), blood, accident, crying, gaslighting, blaming oneself.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

"maybe dying really is a relief sometimes."

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

"I'm trying to talk to you here tsumu please" you found yourself begging for yet another response from him and you couldn't help but hate it, couldn't help but hate him for making you feel like you meant nothing.

"ugh I'm not in the mood" he grumbled, pushing himself in the seat more comfortably. and it had you sighing agressively, pushing on the accelerator just a bit harder. If it was any other day you'd have waited, but how many times has it been already? When would he hear you out? How many more months untill he's in the mood to talk to you finally?

"I've waited too long miya I'm getting tired so tired of you" you cried, your eyes shutting close for a split second as the tears blurred your vision making it harder to drive in the dark rainy road.

And you hands grabbed the steering wheel untill your knuckles turned white when you heard him let out a low groan in annoyance.

"me too you know, I'm getting tired of you always fucking bothering me, i don't have time for your bullshit y/n. And what now? Trying to gain my attention by calling me miya? Bet you must be screaming other guy's name when I'm not home for a few hours-" he started and you choked back on a sob before turning to look at him.

"weeks miya atsumu, weeks. you're not home for weeks. And me? You don't even hear me screaming your name, how do u hear me screaming someone else's name when i don't even do it?" Your eyes burned as more tears blinded your visoon but you could sure see the annoyance in his face.

"maybe I've turned deaf from your constant yelling that's why i can't hear you sCreAMinG mY nAmE" he laughed, with a high pitched voice to mock your own broken cries. And you just couldn't anymore. "I think we should end this here miya" you sighed, finally feeling the courage to get yourself out from the living hellhole.

"oh please I've been asking you to stop fighting with me for ages, thank god, i thought you'd never end this nagging" he sighed, getting back on his phone and you chuckled at his lack of concern.

"not this fight....i meant us tsumu. Let's end this relationship please i can't take it anymore" you sobbed, licking your chapped and dry lips as you took in a sharp breathe.

There was a moment of silence before he looked up at you, "hm? You said sum?" And it was maybe a breaking point, your sobs couldn't seem to stop. You couldn't seem to wipe away your wet cheeks out of tears, cuz another tear would always dampen your attempts turning more and more futile.

"ugh stop crying" he grumbled his eyebrows furrowing as a pit of guilt started filling him up. He had never seen you cry like this- let alone sob so hard you could barely breathe. And the pit only grew wider with the next text he recieved.

You couldn't help it, grabbing his phone out of his hands, you couldn't stop yourself from trying to throw it in the backseat untill you saw the next picture. "Pls stop flirting with me I've a gf" you read his text followed by a nude picture of his manager, it had all hopes of making it better shattering to pieces, you told him multiple times how you didn't like his manager but he always yelled at you for being too clingy.

And immediately he was stealing his phone away from your trembling hands. You opened your lips to say something but you could feel the words dying down in your throat. Tears wouldn't stop fogging up your vision as you stared at him, you could see guilt painting his face as he finally threw his phone down. "baby i swear i can explain" he started but couldn't seem to complete as you completely broke down.

Your eyes were barely focusing on the road anymore, light gasps filled the air as you tried to catch your breathe. And the last thing you heard was atsumu's loud yelling to watch out, you could see the faint of red flashing on your side of the window and as you turned your head to look at it, your eyes widened in surprise, hitting the accelerator and wishing you'd get away before the truck hit your vehicle.

And you were sure you were almost out of the way, before feeling a huge blow at your side, head banging against the cracked glass of the window you could feel yourself losing consciousness. And the last thing on your mind was atsumu.....and his lack of comcern towards you, you kind of wished you'd not have to wake up from this terrible nightmare, you kind of wished you'd die.

Atsumu's pov:

As the situation finally start sinking in, i couldn't help but stare at her wide eyed, watching how she sobbed helplessly, and just as i was about to tell her i loved her and i was sorry i could see a truck approaching us at an illegal speed. I watched as she turned to her side and panicked. The car accelerating and i almost throught we had gotten away from it.

But the huge blow had me gasping for air, the car flipped multiple times and my eyes welled up with tears from the lack of air, the glass from my window shattering and piercing my skin, but what burned wasn't the wounds but my chest when i looked at my side.

She laid there lifeless, i could see the blood seeping out from her ear and nose along with her forehead. Oh god this isn't happening rn....i couldn't even tell her i was sorry i couldn't even tell her how much i loved her.

"pls oh god" i cried tears and blood turning my vision slightly red as i yanked at the seatbelt harshly. I could feel all the pain in my body vanish as i pulled her in my chest, crawling out of the car with her in my arms may as well be the hardest part.

As i stumbled out of the car i could feel my left leg throbbing and i collapsed, her body still safe in my arms and i wished she'd blink, her eyes were left open and her body paled to colourless. I wished this was all nightmare and i could wake up right next to her in our bed.

I hope i was dead instead. And as the thoughts of her leaving filled my brain i gasped, sobbing and pulling her into my chest.

"pls oh god pls I'm so sorry, wake up y/n you can't leave me like this I'm sorry I'm so sorry please please please" i begged cradling her bloody face in my hand as i pressed her closer to my chest, choked sobs escaping my bloodied lips as she stared into nothingness.

I could hear the sirens coming closer, and my heart stopped as they pulled her out of my arms. My heart clenching as they shook their heads, indicating she was no more. I couldn't accept it i couldn't let her go just yet. At least give me a chnace to apologise for everything i did, please just one more chance. I begged to a nameless god as i saw them shutting her eyes close with their hands, this couldn't be happening.

I couldn't even get up to bid her a goodbye as thry dragged me away to a place i couldn't comprehend. Not untill i sat wrapped in baidaids, staring at the tree far outside the window blowing softly against the wind. "Let's go..... I'm done with the formalities" osamu nudged my side and i stood up, without facing him.

I felt nothing as he sighed and walked out of the huge building, i groaned and insisted to walk instead of getting in the car. Osamu sighed before pushing me in again despite my loud yelling to let me go.

My heart ached as he started the car, memories of her lifeless body haunting me to the point of tears, i wished i was dead instead, and as i walked down the hallway, people mourning everywhere i wished she wouldn't hate me for even stepping inside a building where her funeral was held. I hoped i could have showed her how much i love her just once again.

I begged for forgiveness as i stepped closer to her coffin. Her pretty smile adorning the picture put above. I slowly sat down on my knees, hands unconsciously coming into a stance of prayer as i begged for her forgiveness silently, tears flooding my eyes as i looked at her lifeless and wounded body. "I'm so- I'm so sorry" i hiccuped as my head met the hardfloor beneath.

I deserved this, i knew it very well but i was too selfish to not beg for another chance, i was too selfish to wish i was the dead one instead. I was too selfish. I wondered if i could ever get rid of this guilt, maybe in another life i would get to beg for her forgiveness, maybe in another life i wouldn't be walking aimlessly on the roadside. Maybe in another life.

And maybe my wishes came true as a huge blow struck at my side, the car screeching to a stop as i laid down a few feet away, feeling the rain burn my unhealed wounds, i could feel the unconsciousness setting in as osamu screamed at me to wake up. "I deserve it." I mumbled, grabbing his hand to stop him as he looked down at me with tears.

The last thought that occupied his head was maybe he'll get to beg for her forgiveness, he knew it was too much to ask, but so was him getting the relief of death right after her.

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