immaculatechaote-pain

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Anyone, please.

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Someone please talk to me

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I’m Suicidal, to be honest with the world today..

#what’s stopping me

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Day by day

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Oh and meth makes me so.. mmm

#truly given up #heartbroken #ms

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I will be taking a leave of absence from work, hopefully, and medically withdrawing from all this semesters classes. This has been a truly traumatic process. The plan is to have a neurologist verify my diagnosis and treatment plan so that I can apply for disability. I feel reduced down to pieces. I just need to withdraw deep into myself and figure out how I begin to live my life like this. Hopefully the medication will help.

#devastated #multiple sclerosis

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October 12, 2020 diagnosed with MS based on symptoms, referred to a neurologist for further diagnostics. Blood work done. Flu shot done. Treatment for MS symptoms begins tomorrow.

#so you know what I did? #I racked up lines of crystal meth #I got so high #because what else do I do #so so high

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AKIHIRO HIGUCHI 樋口　明宏

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You, I or maybe we really fucked up this time around. We can’t fix the past.

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Before I go, I have a special gift for everyone, I haven’t started it yet but it’s going to be great. I’m going to make a huge collage that’s going to show case my story. All the abuse that people inflicted on me will be there . Pictures of screenshots and the torment. As much as I can compile together. You’ll never have to ask yourselves why it happened.

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But I’m a creep

I’m a weirdo

What the hell am I doing here ?

I don’t belong here

I don’t belong here..

#I’m ready to die #i dont belong here

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I don’t care if it hurts

I want to have control

I want a perfect body

I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice

When I’m not around

You’re so fucking special

I wish I was special

#theres not enough drugs in the world for this

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When I’m starving, the void in my chest fills up and I feel a little more whole than I did before. I’m not as concerned with how skinny I can look, but I’m more so in love with the feeling of whithering away and becoming weightless. Something about that is so comforting to me. A wonderful idea of my existence fading away or becoming so small that maybe the monsters won’t notice me anymore.

#i dont promote anorexia #this is just my mindset on it and why i do it

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I try to treat others the way I wish I had been treated while growing up. I treat myself the way my parents treated me. Unforgiving, never enough, underserving. I can forgive and do forgive anyone for anything but never can I forgive myself.

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Jee Won Park - Untitled, 2016 

“I love playing with lights to make the subjects look dreamy but still real.”

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I love who I am when I’m high. I’m an achiever, motivated, the best listener, full of optimistic advice and genuine deep caring. I become a better version of my natural self.