Isaac: Don't worry, Colin likes your butt and fancy hair. I know. I read his diary.
Jamie: He thinks it's fancy?
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Isaac, after Colin got headbutted: If it's a concussion, you have to keep him conscious, okay? Ask him questions.
Jamie: What's seven times seven?
Isaac: Stuff he knows!
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Beard: Ted, we've known each other a long time, right? You've come to respect me.
Ted: Sure.
Beard: Well, get ready to stop.
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Isaac: You drive like a lunatic.
Colin: Hey, I shaved three hours off our map quest estimate. How about a thank you for that?
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Beard: Bumbercatch, would you consider yourself a revolutionary?
Moe: Well, no, but I do believe corporations rob of us of our dignity and independence and that these systems must be stripped down, burnt down, or leveled by any force necessary.
Beard:
Moe: But that's just one little guy's opinion.
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Richard: Yes! The horsemen! Living together! Partying hard! Luring ladies back to the pad!
Jan: sorry? "Luring?"
Richard: You know what I mean.
Jan: I don't actually.
Richard: You're crazy. We're going to be on fire. Chicks are going to be banging down the door and we'll be like, "Please ladies, one at a time."
Jan: One at a time as in there's two of us and one of them?
Richard:
Jan:
Richard: ... no.
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[The Diamond Dogs discussing how to get Jamie back to his full potential as a player]
Roy: Count me out.
Ted: We can’t count you out. Jamie listens to you.
Roy: He also listens to the Barenaked Ladies. Go get their dumb arses to help you.
*Everyone gasps*
Higgins: Back it up.
Ted: Okay, Roy. You are clearly in a bad space today, but Jamie is one of our best players, and the Barenaked Ladies are triple platinum. Are you?
Roy: Why does everyone leap to defend that band so aggressively? And how much stuff do we have to go through before my coaching stops being questioned?
Nate: Maybe coaching together is about going through a lot of stuff. And maybe BNL has two Billboard Awards to your zero.
Roy: Oh, they're "BNL" now? We need a shorthand for the Barenaked Ladies. That's how fundamental they are. You know what Jamie probably needs more than anything? Some space. Maybe I do too.
Beard: Maybe we all need some space to pull the knife out of the back of the most celebrated Canadian alt-rock band of the mid-'90s, you selfish, jaded ass.
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Jamie: It smells weird in here.
Moe: It smells weird everywhere. That's how you know you're alive.
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Roy, helping Isaac realize his captaining capabilities: It’s in your blood.
Isaac: That’s racist.
Roy: Your soul.
Isaac: That’s racist.
Roy: Your eyes?
Isaac: That’s gay.
Roy: That’s homophobic.
Isaac: That’s black.
Roy: That’s racist!
Isaac: Damn.
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Colin: Do you support gay rights?
Jamie: Not only do I support gay rights, I also support gay wrongs.
Roy: What the fuck did you do now?
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Moe: What are you, a cop?
Isaac: Babe.
Moe: Fine. Ask me again.
Priest: Do you take this man to be your husband?
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Trent: Who's in charge here?
Jan: Usually, whoever yells the loudest.
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Ted: To be a good coach, you have to work through your emotions and learn to accept them. Nate, access and share with us your most painful memory.
Nate: *closes his eyes* I’m… I’m on the playground… stop taunting me! *gasping and starting to cry* I just want to go on the swings!
Beard, nodding somberly: Early childhood is a treasure trove of pain.
Nate: That happened this morning.
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*Roy’s phone rings*
Roy: Oh, hold on. Hello?
Phoebe: Are you and Jamie gonna come up and say good night or are we just going to do it over the phone, like animals?
Roy: Good night, Pheebs.
Phoebe: Good night, Uncle Roy. Now put Jamie on, please. He deserves to be good night-ed.
Roy: Phoebe wants to say good night.
Jamie: Oh! Good night, Phoebe.
Phoebe: Good night, Jamie. *whispering* Can you bring up some chips?
Roy: Is she asking you to bring her chips?
Jamie: No... *whispering* He's onto us, I gotta go.
Roy: Go to bed, Pheebs.
Phoebe: I'm in bed, I'm just hungry!
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Isaac: Look guys, Colin will believe anything.
Colin: That’s not true, Isaac.
Isaac: My real name is Jamil.
Colin: It is!??
Isaac: NO, MY NAME IS NOT JAMIL!
Colin: ISAAC, THAT WAS NOT FAIR!
Isaac: IT IS ISAAC, YOU KNOW THAT!
Colin: YOU TOLD ME IN CONFIDENCE!
Isaac: HOW COULD YOU THINK MY REAL NAME IS JAMIL!?
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Ted: I need you to swear.
Roy: Fuck.
Ted: Swear as in promise.
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Colin: I brought a ticket for Drakes concert in Wales without realizing the date coincided with my wedding date.
Colin: If anyone is interested in taking my place, it's at Amore Gardens in Cardiff on the 23rd of September. His name is Michael.
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