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馃敻Incorrect quotes, headcanons, and more!馃敻Feel free to use any of my posts in art, fanfics, etc. as long as it's SFW and proper credit is given馃敻Ao3: incorrectbatfam馃敻Header is mine, icon is by @vipadafai
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incorrectbatfama day ago
When the batkids realised Alfred is technically their grandpa through bruce and decide to started calling him grandpa (affectionately) and its variations. Starting on father's day because that would be the perfect present.
They do all the things you do with grandpas.
Dick takes him golfing and they complain about all the pigeons on the lawn.
Stephanie gets "World's Best Grandpa" emblazoned on everything鈥攕hirts, mugs, even a spatula.
Jason reads old Sherlock Holmes books to Alfred by candlelight.
Cassandra took Alfred on a cruise and they learned to play shuffleboard together while sipping pi帽a coladas.
Tim secretly learned how to make Sunday brunch. French toast and scrambled eggs are the only items he can cook, but he's Tim freaking Drake so of course, he does it perfectly.
Barbara walks Alfred through how to use the latest unreleased Wayne tech.
Damian sketches Alfred in the mundane moments and they walk the dogs together.
Harper buys a vintage car at an auction and they fix it up together.
Duke and Alfred dominate at Bingo night and win a stand mixer.
Carrie and Alfred go to Disneyland dressed as Carl and Russell from Up, and they bring Ace as Dug.
When Alfred's favorite artist from back in the day goes on a reunion tour, Cullen snatches front row tickets.
And Bruce watches from the sidelines, smiling, knowing that somewhere along the line, he must have done something right.
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incorrectbatfam2 days ago
How do the Bats break their phone (let's be real it's happened)
Dick: slipped out of his grasp as he tried to take a selfie backflipping off a skyscraper
Jason: mistook his own phone for Bruce's and used it as target practice
Tim: boiled it in coffee
Damian: was playing fetch with Titus and tossed his phone instead of the stick
Duke: a Rogue threw it into Gotham Harbor
Cullen: dropped it in the toilet
Stephanie: knocked it down a running garbage disposal
Cassandra: sliced in half by an assassin's sword
Harper: took it apart but couldn't put it back together
Barbara: accidentally ran over it with her wheelchair
Carrie: tried to juggle it
Kate: fell out of her motorcycle compartment on the freeway
Alfred: he promised he would never let anything happen to his phone in case anyone needed to reach him, but then his past caught up with him when a British agent came knocking at the Manor door in the middle of the night. Thankfully, all the Bats were away on patrols and missions, but this came as an unexpected surprise nonetheless. Alfred invited the agent in for a spot of tea, hoping it'd just be a quick catching up even though deep down he knew something was terribly wrong. The agent said some old foes have been cropping up here and there and that Alfred possesses vital information on his device. He refused, for he had left that life behind him and was dedicated to the ever-growing Wayne family, but the agent insisted it was for the greater good. Alfred reluctantly informed him the only way he could access the contents of the phone is if it stayed on his person the whole time, so Alfred told his family he'd be taking the weekend off for a personal vacation. He and the agent drove out to a secret warehouse headquarters just outside Metropolis, where they staked the place out from their nondescript station wagon. Suddenly, there was a sound. He cocked his shotgun, ready to aim and fire. Then, a band of Russian mafia soldiers surrounded the vehicle, forcing Alfred and his compatriot out of their vehicle. Suddenly, the other British agent turned his gun on Alfred. "I no longer serve her majesty," he said. He pulled the trigger. In a remarkable feat of human agility, Alfred backflipped over every single bullet, all while taking out the nameless Russian henches, until he was left with just one bullet. He fired. It hit the traitor square in the shoulder but the man didn't back down鈥攊t only made him angrier. Backed against the graffiti-laden wall, Alfred pulled out his phone and held it out, saying, "I will give you what you want, so long as I can go home to my family." The man agreed and reached for it, but our beloved butler acted swiftly, bludgeoning the man behind the ear. The man dropped to the ground out cold. Alfred smoothed his shirt and stepped over the unconscious form. The cell phone was in pristine condition, yet when he tried to power it on, the screen remained black. Although his boss backed everything up to a sophisticated cloud drive, a twinge of regret rang through his chest, for it never weighed lightly to break a promise to his son.
Bruce: sat on it
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incorrectbatfam2 days ago
Duke: I am a god.
Damian: You yelled "shut up" at a thunderstorm and it happened to dissipate. It was purely coincidence. You have no power.
Cassandra: Shut it. He's a god.
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incorrectbatfam3 days ago
Pre-Robin Jason, innocently, to Bruce: Please let me go. I鈥檓 just a sweet little boy who got caught up with the wrong crowd.
Dick, arriving out of breath: How did you get out of the handcuffs?!
Jason, back in his normal voice: Ah, just a trick I learned in juvie.
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incorrectbatfam4 days ago
Damian: The next person who says "OWO" or "UWU" is under arrest for crimes against humanity.
Carrie: Cwimes against huwumanity.
Damian: I am going to break your fingers.
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incorrectbatfam5 days ago
Barbara: We need to fix the broken window.
Bruce: Ooh! I鈥檒l find a window repair company using the new feature on the Batcomputer.
Bruce, talking to the Batcomputer: I need a window repair company in Gotham City.
Batcomputer: Checking for: adult diapers.
Bruce, panicking: No, no, no! That was my last search!
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incorrectbatfam6 days ago
Dick: Rule number one: do not go off on your own.
Dick: Rule number two: if you do go off on your own, do not go in the woods.
Dick: Rule number three: if you do go into the woods, never, ever, EVER make out in the woods, or you will DIE in the woods...
Dick: Where are Roy and Jason?
Kory: Breaking rules one, two, and three.
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incorrectbatfam7 days ago
Stephanie: I鈥檓 sorry I ate your Skittles.
Cassandra: I鈥檓 sorry I pushed you off the bench.
Stephanie: It鈥檚 okay.
Stephanie: Wait. When did you鈥
Cassandra: *pushes Stephanie off the bench*
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incorrectbatfam8 days ago
Jason: I apologize for what I said last week, yesterday, this morning, and for what I said four minutes ago, and what I鈥檓 about to say.
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incorrectbatfam9 days ago
Alfred: Ah, Master Dick did the dishes.
Bruce: How do you know I didn鈥檛 do them?
Alfred: Because once when all the knives were dirty you cut a bagel with your keys.
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incorrectbatfam10 days ago
Roy: Ooh, cookies! Give me one.
Jason: Ah-ah-ah! What's the magic word?
Roy: I'll tell Damian you used his katana to clean your toe jam.
Jason, handing the cookies over: That's the one.
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incorrectbatfam12 days ago
Bruce: What is all this?
Bruce, reading: "The official rulebook of Fireball".
Jason: Yeah, that's the game we were playing.
Roy, carrying a fire extinguisher with oven mitts: Oh yeah, it's great! See you take a tennis ball, a bowl, and some lighter fluid鈥
Roy: *puts out flames*
Bruce: This is helping to solve the case? I thought you wanted to be a vigilante, not the creator of crazy lawsuit game!
Jason: You're right, you're right. I'll get back to work.
Bruce, looking at finished case file: This took you all day?
Jason: No no, this only took five minutes. I spent the rest of the day coming up with new... Ultimate Fireball!
Jason: *takes out a bowling ball and propane torch*
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incorrectbatfam13 days ago
What's each Batfamily member's favorite weird State Fair food?
Dick: chocolate-covered cheesecake on a stick (Iowa)
Jason: spaghetti ice cream (California)
Tim: deep-fried Kool-Aid (Massachusetts)
Damian: kimchi and curry poutine (Minnesota)
Duke: deep-fried ice cream cheeseburger (Hawaii)
Cullen: cotton candy taco (Texas)
Stephanie: deep-fried breakfast (New York)
Cassandra: hot beef sundae (Tennessee)
Barbara: deep-fried bubblegum (New Jersey)
Harper: deep-fried scorpions (Arizona)
Carrie: giant deep-fried gummy bear on a stick (Ohio)
Alfred: pickle-flavored popsicles (Kansas)
Kate: deep-fried Jell-O (North Carolina)
Bruce: deep-fried Oreos (Wisconsin)
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