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"is it wrong that i love you more?" - scene analysis

underlying the time travel conflict in never let me go's our skyy 2 episodes is the conflict that stems from nueng's decision to continue studying abroad to get his master's degree instead of coming back to bangkok as palm expected. the fight they have over nueng's decision reveals fault-lines in their relationship that have existed from the start, which ultimately tie back to palm and nueng's different understandings of what it means to love and be loved.

the fight begins when nueng confesses that he has decided to pursue a master's degree in the U.S. without previously consulting palm. this is a hard blow for palm, not only because they have already dealt with the difficulties of a long-distance relationship for several years, but also because he had made arrangements to live with nueng in bangkok once he graduated based on the assumption that he'd be coming back to thailand. both palm and nueng are in the wrong for making big life decisions without talking to each other first. So why did they hesitate to tell each other their plans?

the problem boils down to two big differences in how palm and nueng understand and express love:

1) nueng sees love as something that exists separately from other aspects of life, such as school and work. palm, in contrast, sees love as something that suffuses all other areas of life.

2) nueng expresses his love by honoring palm's autonomy and freedom. palm expresses his love through his devotion and service to nueng.

it's easy to see how these orientations to love conflict with each other, and this isn't the first time we've seen palm and nueng butt heads because of them. for example, nueng decided to leave palm after his mother's death in episode 9 because he knew staying with him would be dangerous and wanted palm to prioritize his own future and happiness. he fails recognize that staying with nueng is the only future palm wants, regardless of the danger it may put him in.

these conflicting orientations toward love rear their heads again in the argument palm and nueng have following his confession about his plan to stay in the U.S. when palm says nueng should have told him sooner so that he could plan his life differently, nueng reminds him that he told him to plan his life for himself, not for nueng. palm fires back with the loaded question, "am i wrong that i love you more?"

since nueng's method of expressing love (granting autonomy and respecting each other's personal freedom) puts distance between them, while palm's method of expressing love (devotion and service) brings them closer, it can seem like palm loves nueng "more" than nueng loves palm at times. but just as nueng replies, it's not about who loves each other "more" - the root of the problem is that when granted the choice to do anything, palm will choose to be with nueng, and that kind of devotion, i think, scares nueng.

because it feels too much like servitude, like subordination. because nueng has never felt worthy of such devotion. because nueng can't bear to ask more from palm when he's already risked everything for him, having lost a parent and nearly his own life in order to stay with him. nueng was scared to tell palm about his plan to study in the U.S., because he doesn't want palm to wait for him any longer, but he also would never dream of asking palm to come with him, because doing so would, in nueng's mind, be taking away palm's autonomy.

nueng tells palm that he doesn't want their love to be an "obstacle" to their future. here, nueng is showing his orientation to love as something separate from, and somewhat in conflict with, the rest of life. this orientation probably stems from his parents, who repeatedly expressed their desire for nueng to be independent, decisive, and capable so that he could take over the family business as they intended. nueng's drive to learn and ready himself to fulfill his parent's expectations (which have at this point become his expectations for himself, without need of external reinforcement) means he often prioritizes other things before his romantic relationship with palm.

this obviously conflicts with palm's predisposition to prioritize his relationship with nueng over everything else. like nueng, this is in line with his upbringing. the fact that his parents were so absent from palm's childhood likely conditioned palm to throw his entire being into loving nueng; after finally finding someone to love and love him back, he wants to hold on tight, lest they abandon him too. and unlike nueng, who was raised with high expectations on his shoulders related to work and school, no one has every expected great things from palm (including himself). when maggie asks him what he wants to do when he's older, palm says he's just living in the present for now; when nueng asks palm what his life would be like if they'd never met, palm says his life would probably be boring, that he'd be stuck catching fish for a living. the point is, palm never had a direction in life until he met nueng. thereafter, nueng became his compass.

neither one of them is "wrong" per se, but the argument stings palm more than nueng because it re-opens old wounds. palm reflects that nueng making the decision to continue studying abroad is just like the decisions he made in the "early days" of their relationship when he was not in nueng's plan. here, he's referring to when nueng left palm at the motel and went to bangkok to confront kit and take on his responsibilities at the hotel alone, ordering palm not to come looking for him. this decision, although intended to protect palm, only deepened the lack of self-worth palm had as a result of his parents abandoning him. now, it's like nueng is choosing to abandon him again.

but despite his decision, nueng doesn't want to be apart from palm. in fact, being separated from palm both terrifies and debilitates him. i've written in previous posts about how palm and nueng are coded as body and mind, and how that further sets them up as soulmates who need each other to survive. the body will always follow the mind (i.e., nueng gives palm's life direction, or purpose). but the mind cannot do anything without the body operating in concert with it (i.e., nueng can't effectively accept and achieve his "great future" without palm by his side).

in episode 10, we saw how much palm's absence debilitated nueng. while he put on an intimidating, confident act when confronting his enemies, he became a scared, lonely little boy as soon as he returned home. in the scene just before their fight, you can see the fear in nueng's eyes when he worries that palm and him may not be able to be together in this timeline, where their status difference is even greater and love between men is even more prohibited. and when they return to the present, nueng grabs and shakes palm, eyes slightly manic as he asks, "does it mean that our curse is reversed? i will get to be with you, right?" nueng needs palm, desperately.

palm and nueng are actually more on the same page than it would seem at first glance. just as nueng decides to be away from palm even though he doesn't want to, palm is upset about nueng's master degree plan even though he fully supports nueng's educational pursuits. when petch whips nueng after their fight and palm rushes to his rescue, he lies and claims to have taught nueng how to speak english in order to assuage the other servants' suspicions about him. while him being the one to teach nueng english is a lie, what he says next isn't. he says he wants nueng to have an education so he can be "proud of himself."

this statement is interesting for a couple of reasons. for one, it mirrors but slightly differs from what palm says when he tells nueng he took an undergraduate course to learn english. he tells nueng he did it because he wanted nueng to be proud of him and to not be embarrassed that his boyfriend is only a high school graduate. clearly, his lack of education is a source of insecurity for palm, and nueng's plan to pursue an even higher degree of education may worsen that insecurity. but at the end of the day, he supports nueng's educational goals. he knows that nueng has high expectations for himself, and beyond that, he knows how much nueng enjoys learning. he's seen how nueng's eyes lit up when he got to tell palm about plato's theory of love and how excited he was about the research paper about the psychological effect of the scent of your loved ones. nueng loves to learn, and palm loves watching nueng do what he loves (see: the proud look on his face when nueng is teaching the other servants english).

so, in summary: both palm and nueng want to stay together, and both of them want nueng to pursue his educational goals. they just don't know how to achieve both at the same time. after nueng's whipping puts things back in perspective for them, they resolve to work together to figure out a solution. at the end of the second our skyy episode, palm reveals his solution: coming to live with nueng abroad for a few months and gaining language and work experience in the process.

there are a few things i want to highlight in this concluding scene. first, nueng again encourages palm to think about himself first, telling him to choose whatever makes him happy. this is consistent with how nueng has granted palm autonomy throughout the series. when palm starts off by saying he has his own plan, making nueng think he'll lose palm. nueng tells palm that he understands and turns away to hide the tears welling in his eyes. nueng tries to hide his despair, because he truly does want palm to put himself first.

but being with nueng is what makes palm happy, so of course, palm makes a plan that ensures he can spend more time with him. what's different from the plan he had to live with nueng in bangkok is that living abroad will push him to try new things and develop new skills. in this way, nueng's ambition and approach to love helps palm invest in himself as well as their relationship.

after palm reveals his plan to stay with nueng, he knowingly asks if nueng "feels better now." because palm has always seen through neung's arrogant, detached facade. because he knows how tender and vulnerable nueng is at his core. because he knows that nueng needs him just as much as he needs nueng. and when he asks, nueng lets the act drop, admitting that he feels "very, very, very much better." he didn't dare ask palm to come with him, because he wants palm to make that decision of his own accord. and palm, understanding this, does so.

before palm stalked away from their fight in episode 1, he said that the fortune teller could be right - maybe nueng and him will never be together. (side note: this is a somber parallel to nueng claiming that at their fight at the rocks in episode 9). but it's not because of a curse. it's because they've never been able to overcome the circumstances and forces pulling them apart. these are both external (status difference) and internal (approaches to love). finally, in this lifetime, they are able to overcome both and be together once and for all.

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Cute Junshua

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junshua: all real values

title: all real values 

premise: junhui can control probabilities. he can’t make boys (like jisoo) fall in love with him.

genre: angst, fluff, modern magical au

wordcount: 4183

ship: junhui x joshua

warnings: implied sexual content

cross-posted on: AFF

“you are the kind of boy that boys will fall in love with. they will fall hard, fast, and short of your every expectation." 

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:’) they’re so cute

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Pi’s reaction to Mork’s love language.

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2gether episode 1 || fish upon the sky episode 3

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AND THAT'S ON PERIOD. I find characters with flaws beautiful. WHY CAN'T WE ALL JUST ENJOY THE FREAKIN SHOWS.

I guess it’s not surprising to me that people found more things to dislike about futs but I kind of just want to point out (again) that there’s a very big difference between shipping culture (something that has really given birth to the BL genre as a whole) and queer representation. 

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I won't be defending the series if you feel like it is getting out of hand but I will explain what I just watched...

In 4/4, Pi said that he's confused, between his feelings towards Nan and towards Mork. He likes Nan but Mork makes him feel good and always makes him feel better.

From what I think, Pi is now considering Mork, that's why he wanted to pursue Nan so Mork can give up on him (Remember Khai's shittiness in TOL ep 6 and 7?)

One thing I also noticed, remember in 2/4 when Pi said to Mork that how can someone like Mork like him, it means that Pi is not yet at that point wherein he accepts himself truly. He doubts himself, that's why he thinks that he will continue pursuing Nan because with Nan he will no chance at all, he knew that. But with Mork, he knew Mork loves him and he might also feel the same way and they are possible.

Again this is a story about a person who doesn't love himself because the people he met made him feel shitty. Yes he have an endearing family, he have Mork but he was exposed to the people who took advantage of him. He is slowly getting there and it is obviously that he have feelings for Mork, he just have to love himself first.

#morkpi #fish upon the sky #futs mork #futs pi #futs

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jittirain bl’ dramas + confession

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jittirain bl’ dramas + confession

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I would like to create my own post regarding this show. I just love it.

So first of all, I am someone studying medicine, and it hits me hard that someone like sutthaya is not existing in my school, why?

So yeah, let's start.

Pi is the type of character that most of us will hate, because of how realistic his story is. Pi is looking at Nan, his crush, from afar. He is like the typical student who will admire his crush. He changed himself because he wanted to be approved by Nan, by everyone. That's when you know he is real. Pi is a character that will make you realize that you are not loving yourself, you just want the society to approve you and then you will know your worth which is wrong in all forms, loving yourself should not be dictated by the society, it should be within yourself. Pi is not a toxic character, he is a blooming flower, wanting to be accepted but can only be accepted if he realized that self-worth comes within.

Next is Mork, a handsome and nice guy, somehow the epitome of Fish in the Sky, but he is not, Mork knew Nan's story, he knew him very well that you can almost see him with Nan most of the time, if he is not with Pi. But the thing is I feel like he is more than a good looking and nice guy, remember how he lost his cool when he saw Pi waking up? or when he jokes with Nan? or when he tries to flirt with Pi? Maybe he lives up with his course, he wanted to take care of the people he is close with because he loves them sooooo much. One more thing, it really hurts me when he heard Pi confessing to him that he likes Nan, and then Pi kissed him... and he also witnessed Pi confessing again but this time to Nan... as much as he wanted not to, he respected Pi and his feelings for Nan. I wonder, if Mork got hurt, who will be there for him? Can Pi and Nan be there for him....

Nan is more than a pretty face. His story is pretty tragic, he knew what love it and he knew that Pi is not really in love with him, but just wanted the idea of loving him because it can be equivalent to everyone accepting him. Nan being an eye opener to Pi is really something, because Nan himself knew what love supposed to be, he even told Pi that they will just waste their time if they proceed on being in a relationship.

Overall, I might be overanalyzing the entire show, but I really don't know. I just how the things connected like in the first ep, Mork cleaned Pi's hand, in the ep. 3, he attended Pi's wounds and in ep. 5 he pointed out that he didn't like messy thing.

Or for Pi, you will see that in every episodes he denies Mork, there is a scene that his eyes won't deny that he is falling.

I just love it. 🤣

Anyways, I might change my opinion but hey, I'm really happy watching this show.

#fish upon the sky #morkpi #futs

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But Pi really likes Nan because he is goodlooking and nice, that's also the reason why Pi rejects Mork. Because if someone like Nan who is popular, good looking and really nice doesn't like him, how much Mork. Well for me, that's how I interpreted that scene.

I wish the writers had let pi explain better why he likes nan because saying that it’s just because nan is handsome and nice is really downplaying the importance of nan to pi. Yes, I think pi’s feelings for nan have been somewhat superficial, but if it was only because of his looks and him being nice, then there’s a ton of people pi could have a crush on. But nan was the first person to be genuinely nice to pi with no ulterior motive at a time when he really needed it. And this was nan—a nice, popular, handsome guy, not the kind of person pi thinks would approach him. And he’s sweet and nice and sincere and he’s everything pi’s been looking for and he’s so desperate for someone to like him and nan fulfills this role—he likes pi, even as only a friend, and he’s nice to him and doesn’t say mean things behind his back and having someone like this in his life is really important for pi at this point.

I think pi likes nan mostly as a friend and the platonic feelings mixed with feelings of infatuation, making pi think he felt more than what he did (and it’s why he hasn’t entirely noticed he doesn’t like nan anymore), but I just didn’t like the way they reduced pi’s feelings to “he’s hit and nice” and made pi’s feelings seem really shallow and unimportant.

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TBH, it is sad that people like PI really do exist in this world, where the validation of certain people is what we want and forget that there are people out there appreciating us. Pi is like an eye opener to everyone that you can be a better version of yourself... BECAUSE YOU WANT IT TO BE LIKE THAT AND NOT BECAUSE OF SOMEONE.

Serious talk here:

Pi is not dumb. Not really a fan of the fandom constantly calling him dumb because of him missing Mork's clues or taking his confessions as jokes. I get we love him and we are calling him that affectionately, and that also a lot of us are fed up by now with his obviousness, but I think we need to stop.

Pi is not dumb. He has deep insecurities and self esteem problems, so when he doesn't believe Mork (a person he already made up in his mind to be his rival, that Mork is out to get him, to make him look bad in front of Mueng Nan, to ridicule him), can we really blame him? He has this mind image of Mork already created, so when Mork is the opposite of that imagine, when he's flirty with him and when he's nice and kind, Pi is making himself believe all of this is part of a bigger scheme, this is not Mork being genuinely nice, this is Mork having a shady plan. It didn't help that a lot of times when Mork tried to be nice, somehow Pi perceived the consequences as, to some degree, humiliating to him (the picture at the bar where he was bullied, the heat faiting where his picture was all over internet and he thought he embarrassed himself in front of Mueng Nan). We have to keep remembering that Pi is a person who was betrayed by his only friends, so thinking everyone has ulterior motives (besides Mueng Nan who, in his mind, Pi made out to be a saint and the person that was ever nice to him, because he was the first, more on that later) is not that big of a stretch.

(I would personally say Pi might be neurodivergent too, but it's not my place to make this statement, but there are other people here who are more in their rights to talk about it)

Now about him and Mueng Nan. Pi met Mueng Nan in a tormented period (poor boy was having an almost breakdown) when Mueng Nan came to him, was nice to him (!!!!! a stranger) and even gave him a heart sticker when he saw Pi had none. Of course Pi fell for him face first. BUT

Pi's feelings for him are not necessarily love. It's admiration, it's gratitude, and I think most important, it's Pi trying to show himself he can and deserves someone like Mueng Nan. He wants Mueng Nan to like him because that would mean he is worthy of it. I don't think Pi necessarily likes who and how he is now. I believe he still thinks he is worthy of something when he looks like this, when he dresses differently, when he doesn't have braces, when he doesn't wear glasses. Episode 6 might be the episode he finally gets tired of it and when he (might be) rejected by Mueng Nan, he will not realize this is not his fault. He did everything in his power to change and be someone worthy, in his eyes, of love. So why can't he get it?

I want nothing more for Pi than to realize he was perfectly fine before, that people did like him before just fine (his family, Mork, although I would argue Mork's way of telling him that with the whole 'let me list 120 reasons people might not like you', even though he said he was sorry). He is so busy with trying to be another person and with trying to make Mueng Nan fall for him that he ignores his real problem, the fact that he has zero self-confidence. So when all this will crash on him, it will be a breaking point (I think that's what happens in that rain scene from ep 6, I hope so). I would love to see Mork helping him thought this, as a person that did fall for him before he changed himself.

TL;DR: Pi is not dumb. He is insecure and too deep into his own safe land of running after Mueng Nan to realize Mork is serious.

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@gimme-a-chocolate’s gif challenge: “I want to be your favourite hello and your hardest goodbye.”

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✨ Billkin-แปลไม่ออก OST. แปลรักฉันด้วยใจเธอ [Official MV] ✨

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my ambulance ep.14 | i told sunset about you ep.4

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Do you wanna go somewhere?  Wherever. As long as you’re with me.