the sanguine thread that binds our fate
@crash-bump-bring-the-whump asked:
21 “Please be okay. Please be okay, please be okay—” with dealer's choice for oc c:
a/n: this got. very long lol and tumblr ate the version i answered your ask with i'm sorry :/ i edited it all over again just for you
tumblr hates my experimental prose so please do read it on ao3 if you can ily
contains: mild gore, nausea (no vomiting), panic attacks, prescription benzos, car accident, m/m romance, blood drinking, alcohol
did my best to make sure the gist of all the code segments were properly explained in the prose so that if you're not programmer brained it makes sense still lol. temperature units are kelvin, all velocities in m/s, force in newtons, BAC in mg/dL.
Takes place during the Divine Descension arc, during which the Archfey gives up aer divinity for a year to live with Thanatos on Kepler 22-b, a human colony designed to replicate the late 90s/early 00s. Ae works at a coffee shop and goes to a knitting club. :) not relevant i just thought you should know
Rea liked it when Thanatos came to walk aer home from work. Ae was perfectly capable of making the journey on aer own, of course — it was only twenty minutes and ae could actually cross the street without supervision — but when Thanatos came, they could walk with their fingers laced together and he would smile while he told aer about his day in the office or at home and it always seemed as if nothing could be wrong in the world.
ambient.temperature = 298 proximity.scan(Thanatos[lover]) = true
return emotional.state(happy!)
It was a bit strange thinking of aerself as "Rea." Ae always called aerself Space in aer own head, because that was what Time called aer, but ae was certainly not the Divine Reality or even the Archfey in this so-much-more-mortal body. Rea wondered sometimes if ae was truly experiencing what it was like to be human, or if it was merely what it felt like to be a sapient concept with its soul bonded to an artificially-woven human brain. Ae would never know anything different, so ae supposed it didn't matter. Ae liked being Thanatos's Rea. The concept-made-human turned in lazy circles, passing Thanatos's hand from one of aer own to the other as ae revolved aer way down the street
angular.velocity = 63 linear.velocity = 1.2 radiant.temperature[Thanatos[lover].hand] = 302 return emotional.state(happy!!)
"Rea." Oh, yes. Thanatos was talking now. Time to pay attention. Thanatos's image tilted slightly as ae halted aer spinning to look at him.
system[vestibular].recalibrate()
"Yes, my love?" Ae grinned. Couldn't help it, really. Seeing his face had that effect on aer.
He smiled a little too. "I'm glad you're having fun, but we need to cross the street now, all right? We need to be careful."
"Can I press the button, Thanatos?"
"Yes, you can press the button. And then we're going to look both ways, right?"
Ae laughed. "Of course, my love. Look both ways carefully. I have not been hit before, have I?" Ae'd only jumped out into the street once chasing a butterfly, and now he had to behave this way every time. Rea had just forgotten ae wasn't the Archfey at the time. A concept could get very used to being indestructible.
Ae pushed the button. A robotic male voice indicated that the two of them should "wait." Rea slipped one hand into the pocket of aer khaki slacks and the other into Thanatos's hand. He squeezed back and gave aer a smile, though the brown eyes behind his spectacles were gazing off into the distance and bringing his thoughts with them. What was he thinking about? Ae couldn't feel his soul now the way ae could when ae was Reality. It was… strange. As excited as ae was for all the new ways ae could experience Thanatos now that ae was mortal, ae missed that. Knowing when he was hiding his feelings. Seeing through his little lies. Not that ae couldn't do that now. It was just a slightly more troublesome matter of analyzing his facial expressions and tone of voice. That was all right. Rea was here to learn, after all.
Thanatos[lover].soul.resonance = NULL visual.input[walk.sign.status] = "red" Thanatos[lover].get(emotional.state).ping(callback()) self.interoception.alert(hungry) Thanatos[lover].fetch(emotional.state) = {positive, pensive, loving} action.required = none return emotional.state(happy!)
The walk sign changed to the white figure of a man mid-stride. Rea had asked Thanatos about this, and he had explained that it was an indicator to people who may not read the local language that it was safe to proceed. Rea did not read any language, but it didn't matter, because Thanatos was there, and he could. The two of them looked both ways, Thanatos normally, and Rea in a comically exaggerated manner calculated to get him to laugh, and then he led aer into the street. This was a quiet road close to the apartment complex, and there were no indications that there had been anyone down it for several minutes at least.
"What do you think about Brian's tonight, dearheart?" Thanatos said suddenly, breaking his train of thought. "Put you in something nice, take you out on the town? Maybe a movie after?"
A date! Thanatos was going to take aer out on a date! And to aer favorite restaurant too. Ae still got just as excited about it every time, even after all the millennia they'd spent together. "Yes, yes! I am hungry. Should I wear the blue dress? Or the argyle sweater? And can we see the one with the Matthew Damon? I like that one. Or we could- oof!" Ae sat down hard on the pavement, the tender flesh of aer wrists scraping open and sending shocks of pain up aer arms.
self.interoception.alert(pain!!!) self.damage.percentile = 10 update.status(injured[dermal.hand[quan=2]]) analysis(cause[injury])) = fall analysis(cause[fall])) = Thanatos[lover].push[force=68] analysis(cause[Thanatos[lover].push]).ping(callback())
return emotional.state(confusion)
What had happened?
visual.input[identify.shape] = "ford f-150" vehicle.speed = 35.9 self.danger.percentile = 92 analysis(cause[Thanatos[lover].push]) = reduce(self.danger.percentile) Thanatos[lover].danger.percentile.ping(callback()) proximity.scan(Thanatos[lover]).ping(callback()) proximity.scan(Thanatos[lover]) = false proximity.scan(Thanatos[lover]).ping(callback()) return emotional.state(panic!!)
It was so much information all at once, ae was struggling to process it all. There had been… a car? And Thanatos had… pushed aer out of the way. Where was he? Where was Thanatos? The truck had come out of nowhere. Ae hadn't sensed it at all, and Thanatos must not have either, or he would have done something before he did. He had enhanced hearing, heightened reflexes. Rea didn't, ae was a mere mortal now. Where was he? Where was he?
Focus. What did ae remember? Ae'd turned back to talk to him, he'd pushed aer in the chest, ae'd… seen the truck hit him. By the celestial river. Ae'd seen it hit him. He'd been sent… flying… calculate the angle. Probable trajectory. There!
visual.input[identify.shape] = Thanatos[lover] Thanatos[lover].danger.percentile = 40 Thanatos[lover].damage.percentile = 70 visual.input[identify] = Thanatos[lover].blood!!! Thanatos[lover].soul.resonance = NULL return emotional.state(panic!!!!)
Oh, gods, he was a mess. Skin already starting to purple, limbs sticking out at unnatural angles, blood streaming from his temple and his nose. It looked like he'd tried to shield himself with Shadow, but hadn't been able to get enough of a barrier up in time to make a difference. He wasn't conscious. He wasn't breathing. Rea couldn't breathe. Aer eyes prickled with tears that quickly obscured aer vision and flowed down aer cheeks to splash Thanatos's face. Was he dying? Was he dead? No, surely not. He was a vampire. Blunt force couldn't just kill them. He'd told aer that. They needed silver or to cut out the heart with wood. His heart! Was it intact?
His tie was ruined, of course, and ae pulled it off, extremely aware of the bruising on Thanatos's throat and the conspicuous stillness of his chest. He didn't need to breathe. Ae knew that. But he almost always did, unless he was doing something that would be easier without it. Would they ever…? No. Can’t think about that. Check his heart. His sweater-vest was torn already, and ae didn't know why ae was so painstaking in unbuttoning his shirt when it was clearly ruined. A horrible purple-and-black bruise spread over Thanatos's chest, but there was nothing that could have impaled his heart. He was safe. Wasn't he?
Thanatos[lover].soul.resonance = NULL analysis(predict("life without Thanatos")).ping(callback()) Thanatos[lover].damage.percentile = 80 analysis(predict()) = exception.failed Thanatos[lover].soul.resonance = NULL
Thanatos's left arm wasn't broken, and ae delicately took his hand in aer own and lifted it to aer lips, still struggling to process what was happening. He couldn't leave aer like this. He had to be safe. "Please, Thanatos," ae whispered, "please be all right… Please wake up. I cannot—I am not ready to go on without you. I cannot… do this alone, please, Thanatos, I need you—" His sleeve slid downward with the movement, revealing the jade bracelet containing the Divine Reality's power. Ae could take it, give up aer mortality and get aer soulweaving back, maybe be able to do something for him. He wouldn't want aer to do it. He'd guarded the power so carefully, kept it out of the hands of both usurpers and Rea aerself. They'd both been so determined to finish the experiment. But if he needed aer, then the experiment would just have to be a wash. Ae had the rest of eternity to experience humanity. He only had one life.
Thanatos[lover].soul.weave(form[physical].repair) return error("access denied. requires administrator permissions.") initiate("DivineReality.runtime") error = "ACCESS DENIED" await(input(JADE.BRACELET.AUTH.KEY)).ping(callback())
return auth.output("authenticating...")
Rea pressed aer fingers to the stone, awaiting the surge of magic that would signal the return of the Divine Reality, but instead of the hot burst of power, ae felt cold fingers grasping at aer wrist. "What are you doing, my love?" The effect of Thanatos's admonishing tone was rather diminished by the way it scraped from his battered throat and had him hacking up chunks of tissue afterward. Rea screamed, then burst into tears.
"Divines, I thought you were dead! How could you do this to me? You are so cruel!" The words were familiar, a staple in their arguments, filling space while ae tried to gather aer scrambled wits. "I -I wanted to help you. I thought that if I got my power back I could-"
"Shh, love, it's all right." His voice could always soothe aer, as damaged as it was. "Vampire, remember? If a little blunt force could kill me permanently, I wouldn't have made it this far. I just lost consciousness for a moment, that's all."
How could he be so calm? Half of his bones were broken, he must have been in a monumental amount of pain. It was even his broken arm he was gripping aer wrist with. Was he used to this? Was this what the war had been like for him? Ae felt so useless and lost. He was always there for aer and ae could never help him when he needed it. Aer mental processes were sparking and stalling, ae needed his direction, anything to make it all stop. "W-What do I do? How do I help you? Than, I-"
Thanatos smiled gently up at aer. "Breathe, dearheart. It's nothing a bit of blood can't cure. Let's focus on getting me out of the street so someone doesn't try to hospitalize me, mm?" Rivulets of his liquid Shadow were already flowing out to drag his shattered limbs back into position. He was so brave. "Don't think I'll be walking any time soon. Are you well enough to carry me? Don't worry, I don't think I could be in much more pain than I already am…" So he could feel it. Was he staying strong just for aer?
Wordlessly, mechanically, Rea lifted Thanatos into her arms. The familiar movement felt so horrifically wrong. Ae'd carried him thousands of times: to the bedroom for sex, back to his own bed after, to the sitting room to watch television together when his curse ailed him, into and out of the bath, just for fun. Without the kisses and laughter, with him so awfully still, trying not to alert her to his suffering, it was of no comfort, and sent lances of distress through aer heart. Ae blanked out between the street and balancing him on aer knee to fit the keys in the lock. A singular directive, “get Thanatos home,” held system failure at bay. Once the door had closed behind aer and ae'd laid Thanatos carefully on the couch, though, it all caved in.
system.respiratory.exception = "conflicting input data" system.motor.exception = "system memory low" sensory.input.exception = "conflicting input data" analysis(cause(system.error)).ping(callback()) error = "analysis failed. system memory low" system.process[sort=memory][0] = "panic.runtime" forcequit(panic.runtime) error = "panic.runtime failed to quit" admin.override(forcequit(panic.runtime)) error = "panic.runtime failed to quit" admin.override[master](forcequit(panic.runtime)) error = "panic.runtime failed to quit"
Ae crashed to aer knees, choking on nothing with a fresh flood of tears blurring aer vision. Aer ears rang and her lungs spasmed. Eyes squeezed shut, swallowing fitfully against nausea. Ae hated when this happened. Ever since the kidnapping, those three nights when ae thought ae'd never see Thanatos again, the panic would claw at aer chest and strangle aer at the worst times. At least ae could let him out of aer sight without breaking down, now, but what if this reset all aer progress? Rea felt like aer mind was shaking itself apart.
"-ea? Rea! Reality, come back to me, come on!" It was Thanatos's voice. Thanatos's hand on aer cheek. Thanatos's patient concern grounding aer for a moment. "Where are your pills, Rea?"
The Xanax. Yes. It could stop this. "In the drawer…"
"Get them. Take your pills, darling. While they kick in, I'll take a little drink, and that should help, too. I'll be fine here for the few seconds it'll take you to retrieve them. Go on, Rea. Keep breathing. We're okay." Yes. Ae'd take the medicine, and then ae could help Thanatos…
Aer hands shook as ae turned the white tablet out into aer palm and swallowed it dry. Returned and sat on the floor in front of the couch, aer back to Thanatos. Executing commands in sequence. Running in standby mode. The gentle kiss and whispered "easy, love" that Thanatos pressed into aer neck before his fangs sliced through both the flesh and the alarms going off in aer mind were a shield against the relentless thoughts. His venom filled aer veins and everything stopped.
self.interoception.alert(pain) self.damage.percentile = 2 update.status(injured[dermal.neck])) analysis(cause(injury)) = Thanatos[lover].feed() self.danger.percentile = 0 Thanatos[lover].input(venom.runtime) self.venom.concentration = effective.percentile[60] error = "panic.runtime failed" system.alert("reduce euphoriant concentration before running panic.runtime") system.process[sort=memory][0].ping(callback()) error = "failed to sort. complex processes restricted." return emotional_status(hazy[positive])
"I love you, Thanatos. Thank you," Rea whispered, and though he couldn't answer, the soft chuckle and gentle squeeze of aer shoulder were enough of a response. Despite his calm demeanor, the desperation in his swallows and the way he trembled against aer back betrayed just how badly he needed this. He must have been fighting so hard not to alarm aer. Rea loved this man with all of aer heart. This foray into mortality had put so much load on him, and he never once complained. Instead, he dressed aer in the mornings, cooked aer meals, helped with her nightmares and panic attacks, and still had time to both work and take her out on dates. He fought off those who wanted the Divine Reality's power for themselves, even though his offensive capabilities were relatively weak. He was incredible. Ae didn't deserve him.
Eventually, Thanatos's fangs detached from Rea's neck, and he sealed the wounds with his tongue, as was his habit. He let out a deep groan as he lay back on the couch, clearly exhausted but not wanting to take more than ae could give. He already looked better, with the bruises on his face and neck beginning to fade and his breath no longer crackling in his lungs. "I don't think I'm feeling Brian's tonight. What do you say we order in instead, eh, love?" he murmured with a smile, fingers pulling at aer sweater. Ae leaned into his touch.
"Pizza?" ae asked. "And box wine? And can we watch Sherlock Holmes? I will bathe you and change your clothes."
"Sure. And you don't have to do that, dearheart. I'll be walking on my own soon enough."
Ae shook aer head. "I want to. It’s the least I can do." He'd taken so much care of aer lately.
A chuckle and a kiss. "Very well, then.
self.interoception.status[hunger].ping(callback()) Thanatos[lover].soul.resonance = NULL proximity.scan(Thanatos[lover]) = true self.interoception.status[hunger] = 0 self.interoception.alert(full!!) self.interoception.alert(fatigue!) self.alcohol[blood].concentration = 0.06 emotional.state().ping(callback()) error = "failed to fetch. use analysis.parse(self.emotional.state) for complex data"
Thanatos hadn’t made it through the opening sequence before his eyes fluttered shut. Rea, with a stomach full of cheese and dough and a head full of boxed Bordeaux, felt aer eyes getting heavy as well. Sleeping on the couch next to him felt very… normal. Or at least as normal as a manifestation-turned-mortal dating a vampire could feel, probably. Ae could almost forget that half of aer lover's bones were shattered and that he'd likely need a few days before he could get out of bed. His chest rose and fell just as gently as it always had, with no indication that twenty minutes ago he'd been trying not to flinch as the last of his wounds clothed in the bath.
Bathing him had been an arduous affair during which ae was fairly certain he'd had a flashback induced by his own post-traumatic stress, as evidenced by the faint outline of a ritual sigil that appeared on his chest, the same way it did after his worst nightmares. He'd just gone silent and unresponsive, and all ae could do was finish as quickly as possible while trying not to jostle him too much. When he looked up at aer, ae couldn't tell if he was seeing his Rea or a stranger. To aer relief, he'd bounced back once he was clean and dry again, but the utter helplessness Rea felt in that moment was the most foreign emotion ae'd ever experienced.
Ae was the Divine Reality, the most powerful being in the universe. Fourteen billion years of being able to warp reality at a whim hadn't prepared her for four thousand with aer handsome vampire or even a single one as a mortal. Everything was new and loud and difficult, and without Thanatos at aer side, Rea might have given up on the whole thing and just chosen to wait out entropy in aer cottage. He'd changed everything, ae owed him so much, and right now, ae couldn't even protect him the way ae always had before. Ae was weak, useless. But he didn’t care. He'd never asked for much more than aer companionship, and that ae was determined to give, no matter what.
The television droned on and Thanatos began to snore softly. He'd be so embarrassed if he knew. Always so obsessed with his suave vampire image. Ae smiled gently, threaded aer fingers through his and let aerself drift, praying to whoever could hear (aerself? Time?) that whatever wind of fate had brought them together would not change.
taglist: @athenswrites, @albatris
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Alternatives to google docs
For various reasons, this is now a hot topic. I'm putting my favorites here, please add more in your reblogs. I'm not pointing to Microsoft Word because I hate it.
Local on your computer:
1.
LibreOffice (https://www.libreoffice.org/), Win, Linux, Mac.
Looks like early 2000 Word, works great, imports all formats. Saves in OpenDocumentFormat. Combine with something like Dropbox for Cloud Backup.
2.
FocusWriter (https://gottcode.org/focuswriter/) Win, Linux.
Super customizable to make it look pretty, all toolbars hide to be as non-distracting as possible. Can make typewriter sounds as you type, and you can set daily wordcount goals. Saves in OpenDocumentFormat. Combine with something like Dropbox for Cloud Backup.
3.
Scrivener (https://www.literatureandlatte.com/scrivener/overview) Win, Mac, iOS
The lovechild of so many writers. Too many things to fiddle with for me, but I'm sure someone else can sing its praises. You can put the database folder into a Dropbox folder for cloud saving (but make sure to always close the program before shutting down).
Web-based:
4.
Reedsy bookeditor (https://reedsy.com/write-a-book) Browser based, works on Firefox on Android. Be aware that they also have a TOS that forbids pornography on publicly shared documents.
My current writing program. Just enough features to be helpful, not so many that I start fiddling. Writing is chapter based, exports to docx, epub, pdf. You can share chapters (for beta reading) with other people registered at Reedsy.
5.
Novelpad (https://novelpad.co/) Browser based.
Looks very promising, there's a youtuber with really informative videos about it (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mHN8TnwjG1g). I wanted to love it, but the editor didn't work on Firefox on my phone. It might now, but I'm reluctant to switch again.
------
So, this is my list. Please add more suggestions in reblogs.
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We all know about magical fatigue as a whump trope for magical overuse. Now I raise you: Magical euphoria.
Magic that feels good to use. It leaves the user dizzy and lightheaded, a giddy energy rushing through their entire body. It's enough to leave the most stoic whumpee giggling madly, to make the most obedient soldier go rogue. It's a power that ultimately, inevitably, controls its user.
Mages aren’t trusted to act on their own. They can’t be, not when each spell costs them their sanity. Not when, in a daze of manic joy, they’re just as liable to destroy the enemy as their allies.
And so they need a handler.
Imagine Caretaker in this situation. Forced to watch Whumpee throw themselves into madness, to turn themselves into an unthinking weapon under the demand of some uncaring general. Having to put aside their affection for Whumpee as a person, and analyze them as a tool.
It’s Caretaker who decides when Whumpee is still fit for battle. It’s caretaker who has to look into their dazed and distant eyes, blood dripping into a too wide smile, and decide if Whumpee has anything else to give.
It’s Caretaker who decides when they’re too far gone, when Whumpee needs to stop. And if Whumpee can’t, it’s Caretaker’s job to make them stop. Even if that means using force, even if it means hurting them, because letting them run wild isn’t an option.
And when the battle’s over, when Whumpee is either led or dragged away to the medical wing, Caretaker’s the only one brave enough to tend to their injuries. They wrap bleeding, scorched fingers without a word, the only sound being Whumpee babbling, mad ramblings. Caretaker knows they won’t remember any of this. They still talk to Whumpee anyway, soft, comforting words they hope will bring Whumpee back faster.
And when whumpee’s eyes finally clear, when their body sags with exhaustion they’re just now able to feel, Caretaker feels nothing but grief, because it’ll start all over again tomorrow.
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