insomniacdreamweaver

[insomniacdreamweaver]

A woman who opens her heart to love you when it’s already been broken, is braver than any person you’ll meet.

Steven Benson (via thoughtkick)

[insomniacdreamweaver]

#quote #author unknown? #bffs #love my friends #they've kept me sane this year

[insomniacdreamweaver]

#quote #wish i had done this earlier in my life #moving forward now #still hurts sometimes #but it's slowly getting better #just takes a while

[insomniacdreamweaver]

#quote #very true #thoughts for the new year

[insomniacdreamweaver]

Peace Out 2020

I was talking with a friend earlier tonight and I mentioned how if I saw one more thing about people saying 2020 “wasn’t that bad” I was going to invent a way to virtually b*tchslap some people. 

Here’s why I don’t agree with that particular statement. Even if 2020 wasn’t necessarily the worst year ever in your personal life, 2020 for the world and for communities really sucked. 

So I think that it’s great to say that here’s to a better 2021, but if we forget and try to pretend 2020 never happened, then we lose some of the lessons that we’ve learned throughout the year. 

Yes it was hard, and it has brought out both the best and the worst in humanity. We’ve seen great things happen, and we’ve seen... less than great things happen as well. But I don’t know that we will ever return to what we considered “normal” before this year. And it’s okay. Things will have to be different and perhaps what we used to consider normal will be very different. 

In all honesty, the thing I look forward to the most is being able to see a friend and give them a hug without either of us needing to worry if we might be unknowingly sick and potentially causing harm. 

If there’s anything that the past year has really driven home, it is that things can change in the blink of an eye. So rather than setting a bunch of goals that may or may not happen I simply want to live my life in a way that I can be proud of when I look back at this time in my life. 

But, as 2021 is rapidly approaching I will say peace out to 2020 and that I won’t be missing it.

#2020 #2021 #new years #freaking corona #will things be better? #maybe #i guess we'll just have to wait and see

[insomniacdreamweaver]

107. Coconut Oil

[insomniacdreamweaver]

So a friend and I recently celebrated our 25th birthday’s which is already weird to think about, but even more so given the circumstances surrounding this year. Now, neither of us are particularly fond of going out and having huge parties, but seeing some other people complain about how they hated it so much really got me thinking. In my quarter of a century that I’ve lived, I’ve experienced and been a part of so much. I’ve lived in 4 decades, 2 centuries, seen the first African American president and the first woman to hold the position of Vice President elected. I’ve lived through now not one but 2 pandemics and seen countless acts of terrorism unfold. However, I’ve also seen good come about especially in strides made towards equality for all. But when you look back at what’s happened, it makes you think. I’ve lived through so much, that it makes you wonder what the next 25 years will bring. 

[insomniacdreamweaver]

Damn, its been a while since I’ve been on here. Between being in a global pandemic, taking care of my grandparents and finishing my senior year of college things have been really crazy. I think that if nothing else, this pandemic has definitely been an eye opener in what we consider “normal” now. I’ve spent the entire year attending my classes mostly virtually. I know some people really hate it and its hard. Personally, I don’t care one way or the other, but even if I had the choice to be going in-person right now I wouldn’t. Because even if I miss being “normal” I live with an extremely immuno-compromised individual, and so I stay at home beyond what I absolutely have to do in order to keep them safe. And really, that’s what this all boils down to in a way. If we all cared more about others than ourselves, we wouldn’t have all this “anti-mask” rhetoric circulating. I fail to see how wearing a mask hurts us, when by doing so we could save someone else’s life. It’s really not that hard.

#personal #corona #freaking corona #school #senior year #busy

[insomniacdreamweaver]

I think that part of the reason I'm happiest by myself is that it has never been an option for me to be myself with someone else.

#my thoughts #thinking #personal #a little screwed up #oh well

[insomniacdreamweaver]

I’ve seen a lot of posts on my dash tonight about users who are threatening suicide, with other Tumblr members posting in effort to try to get ahold of them. I think you all should see this:

IF THERE IS EVER A TUMBLR USER WHO HAS POSTED A GOOD-BYE MESSAGE, SUICIDE NOTE, VIDEO, OR ANYTHING OF THE SORT, PLEASE FOLLOW THIS POST.

1. Scroll to the top of your dashboard.

2. See the circular question mark icon at the top? It’s the third one over from your home symbol. Click on that, and a screen similar to the one in the picture will come up.

3. Where you can type in questions, the box with the magnifying glass at the top, type in the word “suicide.”

4. Click on the first link that shows up. It should say, “Pass the URL of the blog on to us.”

5. Type in the user’s URL and tell Tumblr admin that the user is contemplating suicide and has posted a message indicating that they are going through with it or will be attempting. Hit send! Tumblr administration will perform a number of actions to contact the user and take the necessary steps to prevent the suicide.

TUMBLR: THIS COULD SAVE A USER’S LIFE. PLEASE DO NOT IGNORE SUICIDE THREATS.

Reblog this to keep other users aware. Suicide isn’t a joke, and neither is someone’s life. If you didn’t know this, someone else may not, either. Pass it on.

[insomniacdreamweaver]

Reblog if you think a woman can be complete without children

Trying to prove a point to my parents

[insomniacdreamweaver]

I never wanted the burden of saving the world, but I was told I must and so I did.

~excerpt from a book I’m trying to write

#mine #quote #excerpt from a book I’m trying to write #writing is hard #mostly because i don't do it often enough #i can write a 5 page essay in 30 min #but work on my book? #nooooooooooo

[insomniacdreamweaver]

Of trust and being broken. 

Courtesy of the way I was raised, I have a really hard time trusting anyone, but even more so when it comes to forming romantic relationships. I have slowly taught myself how to open up to people and have strong friendships, but even the thought of trying to open up to and relying on anyone in a more permanent way absolutely TERRIFIES me. 

And I hate it. I hate it so much. I know that I am doing my best to break the cycle, but when those who are closest to you, continually violate the trust you had in them, it becomes insanely hard to not project the same thing happening into other relationships. 

It’s taken me literal years to get to the point where I am able to talk about some of the things that have happened in my life with my closest friends. But even with them, there was a catalyst of being so close to breaking, that I had no choice but to trust them with what was happening in my life.

Even now, just typing this is hard, but a few years ago, I wouldn’t have even been able to share this anonymously, much less with my friends. Its a long slow process to healing and not feeling like everything you say will be used against you. 

If anyone out there is in the same situation, find a person, anyone who you KNOW you can talk to without fear of blame, shame or reproach and start trying to open up. We can be more than those who hurt us think we can be.

#personal #mine #trust #emotional abuse tw #im just really hurting and tired #things do improve though

[insomniacdreamweaver]

Letters That I’ll Never Send pt. 2

To my Mother:

I felt that this would be the best way to address the situation at hand, as I feel that whenever I try and talk and explain what I am feeling, it inevitably turns into a lecture and nothing productive ever comes from that.

First, I would like to make it clear that I am not, and really have never blamed my problems on you. If it has come off that way, I apologize. I am aware that I have struggles with mental illness and I have been taking steps to help correct and heal from that. That being said, it is not blaming you for them to say that some of the behaviors that are exhibited have been detrimental to and exasperated my mental health. Just because something works for you DOES NOT mean that it is going to work for me. I feel that many times any suggestions I make or want to try are scoffed at and dismissed, simply because it isn’t what you would do.

I am tired. I am tired of feeling consistently inadequate because it seems that no matter what I do, (or don’t do for that matter) is belittled and criticized. Sure, every once and a while a token “we’re proud of you” gets tossed out, but it is swamped in the seemingly never-ending litany of my flaws and things that I should be doing better.

The environment in the house is not one that I can grow in. You say that you want to keep me from making mistakes, but mistakes are a part of learning and growing. I feel like I have spent so long trying to be what everyone around me wanted, that I haven’t been able to be true to myself. If I am going to make mistakes, so be it. But at least they will be mine. I don’t regret most of the things that I have done that you have disapproved of, especially when I moved to be on my own the first time. I need freedom to be able to be who I am without fear of being berated for it.

I will finish college and I am moving forward with my life. I’m sorry if you feel like I am being selfish or ungrateful, but I feel like your concern, has always come with strings attached. In a way it feels like to me that I am only deserving of your support when I am doing exactly what you want. You always say you don’t know what happened to me, but the truth is, that you never really cared to know who I was. Even now, if I asked you what food I like, who my friends are, and what I enjoy doing, I don’t think you could answer those.

I am working on myself and becoming better. Please don’t use this as an excuse to prove how awful I am, or complain about how I am selfish. If I could read an ENTIRE NOTEBOOK of things similar to this letter, you can do me the same courtesy and read this without getting angry at me about it.

 Your daughter

#personal #me #toxic mother #toxic relationships #emotional abuse tw #tw #I am more than you think I am #still will probably never send this #she would scream #Letters that I'll never send #pt 2

[insomniacdreamweaver]

I have been... quiet on here recently because in light of everything going on in the world, I honestly didn’t know what to say or do. In addition, my own life has been chaos and things are just hard. But in light of what has been happening, I just want to say: I support all BIPOC and the way that they have been treated in this country that supposedly prides itself on equality is horrifying. Black Lives Matter.

#personal #blacklivesmatter

[insomniacdreamweaver]

[insomniacdreamweaver]

Oh look, it's me.

102. Naptime