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Fuck, im depressed again.  I woke up today,,,and i just could not be bothered all day,  i stayed in bed all day today and yesterday did nothing but watched dramas, i dont even know what i did yesterday, 

my mental mindset is so bad right now.  i havent left the house in a while. well i did, but then i spent most of my time shopping. half of it i didnt even need.

im constantly worried, i should be looking for a job,  but i just cannot be bothered. 

i havent spiraled like this in a while.  this is the worst ive had it in a while. 

i dont know what to do anymore.  i cant even be happy anymore by listening to Seventeen.  

i should go out and excercise, but its been scary to go out by myself.

i cant ask my friend to go out, cuz she has to take care of her mother.

but i cant go out at night when shes finally free.

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𓍼24H𓍯

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SEVENTEEN Japan 2nd Album「24H」- Mobile Wallpaper 

PART 2  [PART 1]

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Mo Dao Zu Shi Q | Ep 2 | Wei Wuxian + Liquor Boba

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the hero and the lockbreaker

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jeonghan and his new bff, mr. clown

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I want to die too, but I didn't get enough screentime.

— Kim Mingyu (2020)

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vernon: the murderer won’t kill me if i’m his friend!

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shh they're dancing

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Lan Zhan will always save Wei Ying ;-;

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i’m sorry i had to do it.

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the subs saying angel combined with his evil laugh he did here is the best description of yoon jeonghan

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With everything that has been happening, I think my depression is back. I head my 2 days off and literally didnt get out of bed other than v for food. I ended up taking multiple naps. And yet I still feel so tired instead of refresh. I was invited to go out and hang out with a friend but I refused it. Partly because of the virus. I don't wasnt to catch it nor do I want to spread it specially if its a friend. I couldn't even find joy into doing things I like to do like reading or watching a drama. I just can't right now.

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So Ive been kind of having a hard time breathing riht now.  like i dont have a cough or a fever.  But i feel like my breath is very slow.  im pretty sure its just anxiety, but its not going away.  I’m trying to do everything I can but nothing is making it better.  And all i can think about is that maybe I have the virus.  And of course, that makes it worst.  My shoulders feel so tense.  I’m not turning blue.  I can still breathe. but its like I’m breathing through thin air.  And yes, my shoulders feel so heavy.  I’ve started to do the massage, and while it made it better, now I feel more stress. Im tyring to distract myself, but i just cannot relax.  It doesnt help that i drank cofee so my heart is just going.  I cannot be calm.  and of course i look up my symptoms and of course, the worst case scenario pops up.   I’m still feeling like myself.  but stress is just not going away.  I just did jumping jacks for a minute, and i feel the same.  So excercise is not making it worst, until i overthink it.  

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RAnt here

So I’m following the covid-19 virus because i am taking it seriously.  But now anxiety is starting to set in.  I don’t have any symptoms, but now, I’m kinda feeling like its hard to breathe.  Like everything is closing in.  Again I dont have any other sypmtoms, other than this . I think , hoping, that it’s just anxiety honestly.  I’m fine when I’m distracted and not thinking about it.  But then I open my open to see one more bad news, and bam,  I feel like I can’t breathe again.  I’m out of work right now, which I’m a little worried about.  But at least I don’t have to worry about getting infected by stupid people who are taking this too lightly.  Like seriously people are just shopping like the recession is not an actual thing that’s happening.  why buy clothes like you’re gonna ran out, just because it’s a freaing deal?

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So stressed out right now.  Im trying not to panic, but at the same time, things are escalating as fuck.  Ever since the end of January, its just been a constant stress.  First I found out that the whole company is going out of business.  so i will be out of a job in a few weeks.  Whenever that is.  Cuz fuck, we don’t have a date.   And the store still looks so full.  And then this coronavirus.  I’m not trying to panic, but when there’s closures.. most probably, we wont be back after if there is gonna be shutdown of the stores.  Cuz, seriously, that’s just the kind of thing that will happen knowing my luck this year.  And my anxiety symptoms are starting up too. my neck and shoulders have been hurting lately.  And my head has been hurting because of it.  Probably my blood pressure went way up from the stress.  And I’m trying to distract myslf, but i just cant when everywhere i turned, it’s all about the virus.  I saw that Amazon is hiring, and I was gonna apply, but I don’t know if itll be a good idea to do right now.  Too much things to be worried about.

On a good note though, I found out that my sis is pregnant with a baby boy.  So excited about it.  But I need a job bfore I can start buying like I did for Thea.  it still feels so surreal.