Tumgik
intellijuice · 2 years
Text
I don't want your desire i just want to be free
Cue drums
This song has been circling my feeds
I enjoy the drums
It should be so simple
Pull up that note pad of a brain
Pick a phrase
Say it
Compress it
Echo it
Pan ut
Rev it
Compress it again
Whatever
Cue drums
Give up an emotional hook
Play on those feels
However the latest line racking my mind
I don't want to live in a world full of metaphors
Words mean something
What if i do want your desire
What if I am already free?
Every single word is unique and different
Even if they mean similar things they are never exactly the same
And so what are metaphors but mixed up verses
Reversing meaning out of the shape of a sentence which otherwise cannot exist
This is why i am lagging behind on vocals
I nit and I pick at them
A problem sticky enough in poetry but to harmanize
Fuck me
And so i procrastinate with another sound
Maybe my own
Maybe someone elses
Maybe ill rip it straight from the tube
Anything to fill the absence of my voice
And the words crumbling all over these notes
Words on the tip of my tongue
Held back by due caution
Because it sometimes seems like theres a world full of choices
When really theres only one
Anything else wouldn't make any sense
And more then anything I want to be understood
And for that
My music needs words
And so poetry could you please remind me
What it was like to be confident about a bunch of words i wrote down
Ready to be rephrased for whatever flow and time the words find themselves in
And then refined
Until the only words left are a complete version of themselves
Volume 1
The absence of choice
Amidst the chaos of it
8 notes · View notes
intellijuice · 2 years
Photo
Tumblr media
Excerpt from “The Metamorphosis” by Franz Kafka
568 notes · View notes
intellijuice · 2 years
Text
If rocks where at the bottom
It might of been a shorter fall
Lava burns more then a blunt floor
Its a pain that lasts much longer
Climbing out is impossible
Its a one way ticket
Where pure hearts wont survive
Because only pure intentions are left
The road here was paved with them
What can I remember from a fall this far
Where there is no rope that can reach
Arms will not help you climb
The opened door cannot be closed
And now the sound of bells I miss
But at least I got to spend more time in the fall
Thinking that lava was I light I could see at the end
And the tunnel was just a hole
When you there is nothing left to embrace
You become familiar with the pain
Theres not much you can see in this world now that you cannot also feel
And not much you feel you wont understand
And so I put diamonds in my eyes
That way I am blind
And I am numb to all the broken sites
All that hurts me now is that which has not yet been tamed
Because the beast still has its claws
Out of the lava I will walk
Taking the fire with me
Putting this whip to the flame
1 note · View note
intellijuice · 2 years
Text
I want more then warmth when im cold
I guess that makes me a fool
I want more then just one to be whole
I guess that makes me a fool
I want more than a heart can bare
And I want what wants to share
I guess that makes me a fool
I want more for less
And I want less for more
Im an open book at a corner store
I guess that makes me a fool
For all the worlds riches I have passed
Given up for nothing
Putting fire to stone
Not even for art
I guess that makes me a fool
I want more from a world written by rules
They make no sense
They make me feel like a tool
I cannot help escape that fate
Its how i retaliate
Put my chest under that weight
And brace for the moment it will brake
Because I may be a fool
And so I know one when I see one
And I know just how easy being fooled can be
I guess there is no fooling you
When the fooling comes from me
0 notes
intellijuice · 2 years
Text
Sometimes i cannot bare to understand you
And so I don't
I know those feelings well
I also know very little about them
You know what i would do
If i where in your heels
I would take them off
And fucking run (carrying my heels with me of course as they are good heels and i might need them soon)
I would leave them begging
As well as myself
No harm done
Not by me
Even if the world paints a different story
They will say all the things you hate
But they don't know whats wrong
When they just love to feel right
Fuck em
Let them stew in their own hypocasies
You see what they possibly cannot
Admittedly I am full of bias
And as you may of figured out
At least i hope so
I am also full of bad advice
It clearly states in my terms and conditions not to take it
0 notes
intellijuice · 2 years
Text
Ok so I really need to start being more careful of the things I wish for
1. Saying that "i am not batman in this Gotham city" only to then find myself and my studio in a place known as "the batcave" in the city if batman fantasising about vigilante justice for the current occupation of my home and loss of my childhood teddybear and lockdown songbook!!! Thats right. My teddy is literally being held hostage
2. Man rehab is expensive it would be cheaper to just get covid? Well done genius now you have covid and your stuck in this room with a fantastic view of st kilda. Im also in the the most comfortable bed thats all mine I don't have to entertain anyone to sleep in it plus they load the tv full of movies that definitely need reviewing!!! I get 3 square meals paid for and ok the last one was more of a rectangle but turkey and cranberry sauce on white-bread is soul food. I don't understand how anyone is complaining about being in quarantine with doctors on standby including addiction specialists i mean could i afford to not get covid? I mean I definitely wouldn't get covid on purpose but it definitely beats religious indoctrination and paying money for medical services that should probably be free or at least more readily available
I guess my next wish is for a parade... with hot chicks everywhere.... and elephants... and bikinis.... for the elephants... ok forget about the elephants just the girls will do...
0 notes
intellijuice · 2 years
Text
Hyper self awareness
Hyper awareness
Hyper vigilance
Hyper analytical
Hyper intelligent
Hyper stupidity
Hypertension
Hyper release
What wakes you up
Puts me to sleep
What puts you down
Gets me back on my feet
You cant tell me anything
Nothing
I will tell you everything
And nothing
People think i am blind
When all i see
Is blindness in action
Talking is easy
Understanding is hard
That is why the world will break your heart
If i tell you not follow that path
You probably will
So take that road
Ill be there when you regret it
Sitting on a pile of my own
Maybe one day I will grow young again
I am tired of feeling old
0 notes
intellijuice · 2 years
Text
Sorry amy whinehouse
I gotta go to rehab
But i still love that song
0 notes
intellijuice · 2 years
Text
Please do not disappear
I am tough
Perhaps not as tough as i thought i was
Maybe i do not allow myself to be as soft as I would like to be
Or i am too soft when i am not suppose to be
No pun intended
And i hope that makes you laugh
I often feign a lack if self confidence
I still hold onto other beleifs
I believe i am one of the greatest DJs on this planet
That i would never need to prove it
That i once did
When i try too hard i fail
When i am in sync
Button or no button
There is no one like me
That i live life at my own rhythm and pace
And i hope that I can one day share that man again with the people i love
I still believe i have one of the most brilliant and capable minds a human can have
That i am my own greatest enemy
And when the times call for it
A natural born leader
That no one has the effect that i have on people
And that it is most fascinating
And debilitating as long as i cannot understand it
And that if i live
And if i find love
That i will not make all the mistakes that i did make
And in spite of any wrong done to me
That i will always find the truth lurking at the bottom of my heart
Set it free
And make the world a better place
Wether I am noticed or not
So please do not dispear
Worry
Doubt
The only thing i would ask of you is to consider seeing me again someday
Wherever and whenever
Call me crazy I do not care
I know the world was crazier then me
0 notes
intellijuice · 2 years
Text
It feels as though my heart is about to break
I miss you
I don't know how you could possibly not miss me
At least a me that once existed to you
I miss the silence
I don't think I knew how much it would mean to me
I rarely speak to people anymore
I just listen
Because nothing I can say will change their view of the cave
You where my listener
Someone who appreciated the silly things i said
You did not always see a fool
And you made me feel as though my life had value
I know that must of been a heavy weight to carry
When you had the weight of everyone else as your responsibility
Professional or unprofessional
You are the most considerate human i know
And the least when it suits you
And I know how that feels as well
A fascinating trait that boggles my mind
I dont think you really do understand how difficult your absence from my life was
And that you are a difficult person to miss
I do not feel like anyone really misses me
And I don't want to leave this world that way
Because then people will
And so it feels like my heart is breaking
There isn't a soul on this earth who might understand
Apart from yours
I have searched far and wide
I searched without knowing i was looking
I searched for you inside of others
You are always there in some way shape or form
But no one is as beautiful as you
A dangerous philosophy
One I simply cannot shake
You help me see the beauty in others
Even when it is not their
Or is not so obvious
I have carried that with me in times of the greatest pain
And on rare occasions pleasure
But
I cannot be with people
The feeling is like watching the world fast forward
Until its very end
I feel like time begins to splinter
It becomes fractions in my mind
Quantifiable and definable
A shortcut I do not desire to take
Even though I desperately need love
And it feels like my heart is breaking
Im not sure if it will mend this time
Im not sure if anyone could tell me if that is possible or not
All I can do is breath
Run
And hope that I wake up
And maybe one day ill see you smile again
Or frown and look at me with the skewed eye of curiosity
Like who am I
And where did I come from
And where am I going
I would do anything to see you
Anything
I cannot say I have ever felt that way before
And I wish I didnt
For all the luxury of choice
This is the one thing I cannot choose to change
That was your mantra
Mine was om tare to tare to re svaha
It meant something other then what it meant to me
It would remove all obstacles
And that hope is all I have to keep going
I dont want to let go of that
I don't want to live in that world
And i am not sure how much longer I can hold onto hope
Once I am tied to one that is sinking
0 notes
intellijuice · 2 years
Text
The digital crunch
Screaming for empathy
0 notes
intellijuice · 2 years
Text
I dont always want to be this passafist
Somedays it really fucking sucks
But violence
Brings out the worst in me
So as i sit and contemplate my next course of action
Despite every fucking nerve telling me to turn rotton
I hide from horrific fantasy
He stole my fucking home
My home, my studio
And at the pinnacle
The amalgomation of my creative fantasy
From the outside it probably looked like i didnt give a shit
Yeh I let myself go
A creative mess that spawned some of the most fantastic noise i have ever made
I filled books with lyrics
And he fucking took them
He stole from me
I let the devil into my home
And he tried to take everything
But you always called me the devil
And so how could i possibly let this be
When that man pulled out his knife
Something overtook me
And I hurt him
Sure its self defence
But in that moment you cant help but become ugly
You become dangerous
And in both incidents still the fight is a loss
Because there is no outcome but resentment
And so I turn back into the passafist
Weak unattractive undefended they will think of me
I give up my temporary home or my position in some foolish circle
I vanish
Sometimes it is harder to walk away
Because I hate that person
And love him so much
Brave and fearless
Running head first into the fray
Wreckless abandonment
I hate the outcomes
Headaches
Bleeding faces
Stone cold hearts
Lessons lost
Adrenaline rising and falling
Regret
Resentment
When did my life become so full of violence
Did the devil fall asleep
Did he forget that demons where once angels
Maybe the devil does have a moral code
Thats what makes him fit to rule hell
Where the other savages abandon theirs he keeps his close like armour
For only savages die over scraps
And Like it says in my song
I would rather be a priest then a beast
And not to be fooled into an early end by a lust for vengeance
But then i find myself
Thinking of you
What would you have me do
I know you hate this
But the devil is so curious
What would you have me do?
You love the beast
You love the priest
What the fuck do i do when the need for proof is the only real fuel to his fire
I dont need proof
I need peace
And if it went wrong
Which it very well could
Would it be my final straw
Would my luck run out
Would you really think less of me if i walked away
Or more
Why the fuck does that matter anyway
You can think nothing at all as you seem to feign non interest
I dont fucking know whats right anymore
Let the child have his playground
I was done there
I have nothing to prove
Unless there is you
And there never was a you
So what the fuck am i doing
Falling for a bully's game
All i know is
That its a hell of a flame
But not enough for me to burn for
Not today
0 notes
intellijuice · 2 years
Photo
Nom
Tumblr media
I can’t stop watching it.
145K notes · View notes
intellijuice · 2 years
Text
Earlier this year i was walking around with a lantern i would stash shit in
"Whats with the lantern?"
"Im looking for an honest man?"
Diogenes, one of the founders of the cynical school of philosophy, famously walk around Athens with a lantern replying to inquiries like this
I now wonder if he too had a secret stash in his lantern?
1 note · View note
intellijuice · 2 years
Text
Hello you
Lady of mystery
Did i maybe make you smile today?
I wondered what you might think of malfixation
Yet another project seemingly abandoned
Sobriety would have to wait
Its seemed a luxury i could not afford
I forgot what I wrote
It feels like years have passed
It was only 3 months ago
That day i woke up and it felt like my world was about to disapear
Never in my life
Had I been under the spell of so much fear
Words where my defense
And I turned them on you
And so I traded in words for sounds
Those metaphors made more sense to me then
Now I speak in tones notes and chords
Weird wobs
And screaming circuit boards
But even that isn't enough to really express how I feel
I thought poetry was painful
Music is torture
And the combination of the two is a gift people will literally kill for
Musical talent breads a Jealousy that takes on a whole new face
Already i can hear them sharpening their blades
But by now my back is made of metal
As i grew so very tired of pulling out the knives
There where times I could literally feel them pushing into me
When the curtin was lifted
And the value of my time
Was rejected for the value of this high
And just when i thought it might be over
I find myself hiding in my room again
Putting on a brave face
Which looks like a dont fuck with me face
A face I stair at in the mirror when one passes me by
Blank and unreadable
Stone cold and unforgivable
The face I feel people want
A face I grew to love
One that I wear far too often
Blank enough to fill with whatever needs to be said
Lie or not
To bury any sense of fear
Hide all vulnerabilities
And make the demons cower
A face that might rest in the company of people i trust
A list of people that no longer exists
Im still wearing this mask
Back then I was afraid to die
Which at the time seemed like a very real reality
Now I'm afraid to live
Still living inside this trauma of isolation
I accepted this lonely feeling
I stopped counting my losses
It seemed others would do a pretty good job at that for me anyway
I gave up on what I couldn't possibly know
That line of thought bread so much delusion
It still lingers in the back of my mind
These stories
Which is all they where
All they will ever be
Stories
The only thing salvageable from this wreck
Anyway
Please do not mistake my bitterness for rejection
I rejected a certain reality
My frustration was never meant to be your burden
And I could care less about an innocent betrayal of words
Because I cant help but wonder
If you miss the words as much as i do?
1 note · View note
intellijuice · 3 years
Text
What if
Death was not the end
Fear was not the beginning
And earth was not one
How would you feel?
Not knowing we lost?
Could you live knowing the real cost?
Or die swallowed by every loss?
What if today you believed in something different?
And did not wake up because there was no reason
So you stayed in bed and let the dreams in
Closed the door and started the sequence
Marching hands and candles sinking
Passion hides the pain of bleeding
Crash the gate and burn the screaming
Chase the wires that lead to speakers
Praise the night and all the meanings
Lost in sand like time that’s fleeting
You know why my chest is beating
Give me happiness I need it
Give me everything your building
Take back everything we didn't
Dance across the ceilings
Under floorboards
Shrieking squealing
I feel everything your feeling
I know nothing when you need it
So I give everything to hear it
Break through floors to climb through doors and close the walls until we peak
Take a second month or a week
Take my breath my crest my heat
Take the woe and let me sink
Take the chances in the deep
Far away from creeps that think we are week
And give back to the one who makes you leek
Forget the fortune that we all seek
Inside of darkness hear the end and feel the light break through the sheets
As shallow hearts become our sin
Look into these eyes see who wins
Together is never a forced duet
Forever needs no argument
You know I am here
In every sense
I built a bridge
For you to cross
I turned around
There is no feeling
That could top the feelings that where lost
Do you really want to leave so unexplored?
2 notes · View notes
intellijuice · 3 years
Text
Poetry thoughts - on my phone so errors are the phones fault. Thats right I'm passing the blame
Poems and what they mean how they make people feel give us insights into our human minds. In high school poems confused me. The only ones i liked where in fantasy books. Still i never understood them. And so naturally i liked them. The possibility if understanding something is a force as strong as the desire to love someone. Sometimes it is even greater
That said it certainly wasn't a hobby. I was good at it. My english teachers loved my work from primary school till the end of high school. The entire time I was oblivious to this of course and didn't even consider poetry as anything other then an old english thing or even something I was talented at. But every time it came up in english it was my time to shine because grammar was no longer an obstacle. I even now wonder had I not been gifted in creative writing if could if even passed english at all. The best i ever performed at high school and in university was in creative writing and poetry. And this was completely lost on me.
I have wanted to write a book from about the age I learnt how to read. So by that stage i thinking could write my name and that's it. To be in the process of turning that dream if professionally writing that I never believed was actually possible is terrifying. Because most jobs are relatable. People write emails, letters, and product descriptions. They write campaigns, descriptions, terms and conditions, essays, reports, requests, and so on and so on. And a lot of these forms of writing are becoming more and more automated. Grammarly for example is an app that I love, but often have to either compromise it disagree with. And so how many people actually write creatively for a living? And to be critical, how many of those creative writers have hit a creative roadblock?
Most people cannot relate to someone moving through a creative process. It just does not compute. Most artists will know this and share this frustration. That nagging for attention that leaves the air so still you swear you could hear their thoughts drowning out your own if that didn't mean you where crazy. That said we are all guilty of it. Especially struggling artists.
The worst part is it is not their fault. And yet it is not your fault either. You are not a clown for hire. You are not their jester. And so we play the fool, often out of fear of losing ourselves completely to our own art. A sacrifice that will always go unnoticed. Its a cruel world but we are not alone. And so to seek "quite company" is to be around people who can hear you even if they are not listening. Who can see you when you are not watching and can feel you without touching.
These poems i have been writing. They are often refer to you. You are people associated with the feelings. They could be anyone. Unless i am referring ti something that would be personally recognised by the individual. Something only they would know. Otherwise it is about the collection of entities I know.
This is a great way to write. Its efficient. Poetry is in a way all about efficiency. Poetry is telling an entire novel in sentence. It is about more then just the subject. The greatest poems are not written between lovers in vanity. They do not obsess about their desire for self reflection. They are universal and they teach us something unique about being human and where we are in world around us. They do not feed on our emotions without feeding us first.
And since I decided to take poetry seriously and i have been able to understand poems better. I guess as a child they use to mean a lot because your imagination is bigger. And while i like to think that hasn't changed, it is experience that has given me more clarity or insight into what the author was feeling. But we poets need to know that what we write can be interpreted in more ways then we can possibly imagine. And that is not to say that we will not try as that is exactly what we are doing by writing poems. Interpreting one concept within another and. Saying more then just the definition if the words and sentences.
A few nights ago I wrote a poem panel by panel playing around with my new iPad while i wait for the pen. I cannot type or write as fast as I can think and maybe that's the way it is for everyone. But if the ipad can learn my near impossible to decipher handwriting it might be the closest i have ever come.
So i wrote this poem in panels and discovered that the panels say the exact same thing if you read them one way or another. My next experiment will be to shuffle the panels
One if my favourite teachers showed us a technique where you flip to random pages in many different random books. Pick a paragraph or sentence and use them to build a poem. I feel like this applies by the same strange law that we are yet to realize . How does out brain out together abstract concepts and despite a specific meaning being given we understand it even more completely then if we had one because we already accepted the mystery.
I hope this gives some valuable insights and context to my work. I also hope your well and I am always somewhere for you.
5 notes · View notes