introvertedinside

[introvertedinside]

Sometimes you focus too much on your destination that you forget to enjoy the beauty of the journey.

[introvertedinside]

It feels so hard when you realize how much you loved something after it was gone.

To be honest; I never took it for granted, but I was overwhelmed, I couldn’t maintain my feelings. I couldn’t express them because how do you express something you can’t even explain to yourself? My soul was captivated. My mind was a mess, still is. I was all focused about moving forward that I lost track of the journey.

I loved it.. I loved every second of it. But do I regret letting go of it? Never.

[introvertedinside]

Better late than never.

[introvertedinside]

You passed it once, you can do it again.

[introvertedinside]

When you think that sleeping is your escapism from reality but your dreams are just as your whole world

[introvertedinside]

I’m still in denial.

There’s hope, right?

Right? 🥺

[introvertedinside]

I didn’t want to cry, but my eyes disagreed with me.

[introvertedinside]

My tears haven’t dried yet.

#personal #sad

[introvertedinside]

Even though a lot of people have given me no reason to be afraid to open up with them, I still can’t do it.

This sucks.

[introvertedinside]

I just wanted to write this down. That one simple happy memory midst the amount of pressure I’ve been dealing with lately.

I’ve always had fear of abandonment. I have that thought that whoever is approaching a new life will have to let go of things they had in their old lives, and I always feel like I’ll be the first they’ll let go of.

And you? That feeling, overthinking, haunts me down. That constant fear that I cannot share, because if I do, I’m pure selfish!

My friend, a close one, is getting married in a week. And as usual, I have those both mixed feelings that I’m happy for her yet afraid for myself.

Don’t get me wrong, I want you to be happy! But I want to be a part of your happiness as well.

We have this ritual where her, I, and another friend, we spend time together weekly. We’d sit together in a balcony, we make us tea, and we talk about life. That kind of rare settings that don’t exist anymore. If I had to describe them in a word I’d say they’re home.

We’ve been very busy lately, the three of us. But of course, without doubt, the one who’s getting prepared for her wedding must be the most busy one. But there comes that moment that touched my heart, when she sent me to tell me that she wants us all to sit together, still talk about life and random stuff. “You’re my escape from the pressure I’ve been feeling lately “ she said.

For me, this was an indirect assurance. I’m still a part of her life. And I couldn’t be any happier.

[introvertedinside]

I sometimes talk to myself loudly. People think I’m crazy! But honestly.. if only they knew the madness I felt inside of me they’d know that this was the only way to stay sane.

My thoughts have become like a big black hole. They suck me into delusions, negative thoughts. Every happy thought is torn by the “what could happen” or “I shouldn’t have done that.”

I talk to myself, loudly. I tell me “it’s ok, everything will be ok. Surely God has a better plan for you.”

I counsel myself loudly. “You’re not a bad person. “ I keep reminding myself.

God has a plan for you. Trust him!

[introvertedinside]

Then she cried: “ But I’m trying. I’m trying.. “

[introvertedinside]

Just a day where I want to post about happy thoughts.

We often focus on the dark times that we forget that the majority of our lives are the bright ones.

Just leaving this here, maybe I’ll reread it in one of my dark days and smile.

#happy #positive vibes #thankful

[introvertedinside]

“You’re always frowning..”

“You’re full of yourself..”

“You care about nothing but yourself..”

I was told all of this, in one setting.

Saying that I was hurt would be an understatement. I was crushed!

It’s weird because, it was never easy for someone to get me. It was never easy for someone to affect how I feel nor how I see myself. I’ve always been very critic of myself. I mean.. I already would beat myself hard, I accepted no flaws, no mistakes.

I still remember when I was in first grade. We were divided into groups and our teacher asked us what type of colors would we like to choose as a group. With no hesitation I made the group decision on my own forcing it on everyone. “WATER COLORS” I yelled. My group didn’t want it though, but I insisted. I was the one that had a strong voice, I gave them no other choice.

Water colors it is!

I was very challenging. But as a kid, it was very hard to color with water colors. The water was too much, we didn’t know how to use the brushes, it was a mess! The teacher then praised those who used the pencil colors, which was the type my group wanted and I didn’t.

I felt guilty. And frankly, I still am..

I don’t want to be that bad person. The problem is not with the fact that people will tell you everyday how bad you are. That’s a never ending life style. The problem is when you start believing it that it becomes a part of you.

Surely, we live with flaws. Unacceptable yet manageable flaws. We try everyday, we fail everyday, and we try again. Life is that way. But you can’t let people nor old mistakes control you. You just have to set your goal, and our goal is to please Allah and only him.

I hope I can stop beating myself up and live to what I’m suppose to live to.

God help me shut down my mind.

[introvertedinside]

I remember when I was little..

Taller than everyone, stiff as I ever was, and challenging as I’ll ever be.

I was the fastest runner in class, that title was mine. I was an academic excellence. I had my voice heard, everyone respected me.

I remember when I was little..

That turning point. The time when I realized I’m not the smartest in class. I’m not the all time winning champion. I even lost my title, I’m not the fastest runner anymore.

It didn’t hit me then. But now I only realized that it was the start of me losing my self confidence one by one. It was that when I decided I won’t give it all, because I’d rather come in second by choice than to give it all and get disappointed.

I remember when I was little..

I had no more motivation. I wasn’t mature enough to make a wise decision of giving it my best. I was always calm, secretive to my thoughts. I made my decisions on my own, not knowing that it was an end.

I remember when I was little.. and hell of a journey it was!

#little #young me #memories

[introvertedinside]

Have you ever felt like you’re recapping your life through your head and just feel like when and how did all of this happen? I mean, it was just yesterday where I was crying to my mom because I didn’t want to sleep 9 PM.. how did this happen?!

[introvertedinside]

If you find my soul, you surely have won

#deep