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introvertedlife2021 · 3 years
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I can remember the first time that I learned about suicide. I was sitting in a hotel room in Williamsburg, Virginia with my family watching the news while on a family vacation. I must have been around the age of 8 at the time. The victim was from an old 90s television show and he had hung himself due to a battle with depression. From that day on for many years to come, I would look at death and suicide and feel fear and was unable to sleep or get this off of my mind. I couldn’t understand how it could get so bad for someone that they would choose to hang themselves. 
For many years, I struggled with my own depression and anxiety due to a number of factors, and although the first time I had to defend myself against any thoughts of thinking I would be suicidal with my therapist, I never thought that I would give it much thought more than I already had. 
Every few months this thought creeps into my mind and makes me question why I wouldn’t just remove myself from this world and end my pain. Many say that this is a selfish act, but is it more selfish to ask someone to remain in a world which hurts them every day to live in? What’s the answer? That’s what is running through my mind on repeat right now. 
I spoke with my therapist about my suicidal thoughts and assured her that I would not be doing anything that she needed to worry about. She believed me and said that she didn’t think that I was a threat to myself and felt comfortable giving me resources to help in those desperate moments of self-despair. She told me that I needed to be more direct when explaining to my girlfriend the gravity and depth of what I was going through, something that I had never done before. I got up the courage after a few days to finally tell her how bad my depression had gotten and told her in less obvious words than “I want to kill myself”, but that I had been on the line with a crisis centre out of what I feared I would do to myself. 
In response, she sat and listened and wanted to help so badly with coming up with a plan that would help address these issues immediately. Once those words had left my mouth, it was as if I opened a gate that said “It is okay to talk about this openly now”. This, however, was not the direction I expected to take and found myself openly joking about commiting suicide. My girlfriend told me that if I did that, she would kill me. I responded “I’d already be dead, so that wouldn’t work” and I found that hilarious and she was less than thrilled. 
Last night, I felt this deep sense of dread come over me and I could feel my stomach turning. I dreaded that she had to leave for work the next day because she had been working so hard to help me be okay the past two days, I was scared of what her not being home would mean for me. I voiced my worry to her and she tried to understand what I meant by that. The very first question that came out of her mouth was “why, are you going to do something???” I could feel the fear in her voice now that she knew how I truly felt inside everyday and I reassured her that I wouldn’t. 
I’ve found that the thoughts of suicide have become somewhat a place of safe-haven thoughts, like it was the answer to my problems. Although this would ultimately make myself feel better in my mind, I knew that it could potentially destroy the lives of many around me and that is what I am grappling with the most. I do not want to destroy my loved ones, I simply want to stop the pain that I feel every day. I dread the thought of beginning work tomorrow and can feel myself wanting to run like I usually do. When things get tough, I run. I can’t handle it. I struggle to see myself at one job for an extended period of time because I ultimately cannot deal with any kind of stress. 
So, this is where I sit. I am broken and hurting inside and I want the suffering to be over with. I want to end it. How do I do that without hurting everyone around me? 
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introvertedlife2021 · 3 years
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Planning the Wedding
When I was a little girl, I would often imagine what my wedding would look like. It appeared in my mind as me standing at the front of a church with my future husband, the pews filled with all of our family and friends, and my priest at the front speaking to the love that me and my partner share. None of that is on the docket now.  
One of the biggest hurdles that I had to overcome when admitting to myself that I may not be straight, was understanding that my image of a wedding in my head wasn’t actually the image that I was going to have on my wedding day. I used to tell myself that I would end up with a man simply because “it was easier”. Nothing about that is easier when you are not straight and would be happier with a woman. I met the one and proposed to her after 2 years together and we are now trying to plan a bit more for our upcoming nuptials. COVID is a real thing in the world right now and impedes on our ability to have a wedding anywhere near close the one that we had both pictured growing up. We want to have children and we are both reaching the age when our eggs will begin to decline and we must ultimately start trying for a child sooner rather than later. It really is too bad that women have such a timer on their biological clock if they want to have the best odds of conception. We decided to put our wedding on hold and opt for an on-paper wedding this year, buy a home and then begin having children. All of that seems okay, but I have concerns. 
My partner has recently quit smoking and is quite irritable, which causes frequent arguments between us. I fear a future with consistent arguing and a possibility of being unhappy. She asks me on a regular basis if I’m “having second thoughts” and up until recently my answer has always been “no”. However, that answer has slightly began changing over time and as my fears settle in causing me to, in fact, have second thoughts without actually looking to actively leave or call-off the wedding. Should marriage be something that you gamble with? Is it okay to do so because you can always get divorced? I feel that even being that divorce is a common theme, I would feel like a failure if I could not go forth with a wedding, or, a wedding and then a divorce. This is the best partner that I have found for myself thus far and I don’t want to lose that chance either. She loves me deeply and takes great care of me, she just has a defensive attitude which is tough to deal with. 
Kids are coming next - one foot at a time being as careful as I can to not misstep. 
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introvertedlife2021 · 3 years
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To have friends, or not have friends? That is the question.
I’ve often thought of myself as someone who gives great advice, pretty stellar at relationships, passionate, and steady in my morals. I considered myself someone who would be great in anyone’s life, but that seems to be a tad bit of narcissism and I’m not cool with that. Over the past few years, I’ve simply thought that I’d come into contact with a lot of really shitty humans and somehow hit the unlucky draw. I failed to see anything that was truth trying to shine though this very unfortunate and pessimistic outlook on the world. I have been getting into regular arguments with everyone and seem to find myself atop a high horse just wanting to tell myself “get the fuck down!” You know how they say if it seems like everyone else is the problem, maybe the problem is actually you? Yea, that’s starting to trickle its way into thoughts and is beginning to really resonate with me. 
I had always found myself on the outer part of the circle and enjoyed hanging out with friends in one on one settings rather than in a group. The group setting felt draining to me and I found myself exhausted by the end of the evening. I found myself wanting to be liked by everyone around me, but at the same time refused to beg for their attention. I find it difficult to put a smile on my face when I’m angry at someone and just “act nice”. I feel like I am being fake if I do that and I never want to be fake with someone. Hell, I’m terrible at holding onto secrets as well... I am honest to a fault and that can get me into trouble. However, why are we a society that has to be fake and why can’t we just be honest with each other? It would make the world a lot simpler of a place. My fiance wanted me to play nice so that I could use one of the appliances in a house of people that I no longer liked to be around. I was happier to take what I needed elsewhere and not play fake to get something that I want. I feel like it is easier on everyone if I just remove myself from the situation. 
I’ve often looked into my personality type trying to have a better understanding of who I am and chalked most of the above behaviours to my extreme introverted nature. I don’t like to stir shit up, I like to be alone and recharge and not have anyone trying to tell me that I’ve done something wrong. Being alone is just easier and for those around me who are very social, they look at me and tell me to make some friends and that I “need” them. But what if I don’t want friends? Does that make me a bad person? The only reason I would look for friends would be to please my fiance. She has many friends and I love being around all of them, but she looks at me and tells me I need to make some when I’m happy without. We’re getting married and I can see us standing up at the front with a bridal party of only her people. Mine won’t be there because they don’t exist and that’s the saddest image of all for me. I would have my family and that’s all and I even find myself pushing away from them too. I isolate myself so that I don’t have a chance of hurting someone and in turn hurting myself when they get upset at me. I’ll beat myself up for a long time and I’d rather just avoid that interaction entirely.
I was reading an article that said that 1 in 5 people do not have friends and that there is nothing wrong with it and it is actually normal. This makes sense to me to try and understand myself and not feel like an alien, but other people have trouble understanding it. Other people have trouble understanding me. What’s easier, finding friends and pleasing everyone else while being miserable, or, have no friends and avoid everyone and be happy? It’s a big weighted scale of a decision and I truly do not know what I’m going to decide. 
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