irasciblesoul

[irasciblesoul]

oh I accidentally logged in here!

[irasciblesoul]

(x)

#them! 💜 #( I’m drowning. how’s that for recognition? / Visage. ) #( it will always be you and I. / Captbenscn. )

[irasciblesoul]

Christopher Meloni and Mariska Hargitay attend the 74th Primetime Emmy Awards Governors Ball in Los Angeles on September 12, 2022

#just here to show off these two beautiful human beings #( Elliot Stabler / Mirror. ) #( You are my faith / Olivia Benson. )

[irasciblesoul]

#love of my fucking life #he’s so soft #( I’m drowning. how’s that for recognition? / Visage. )

[irasciblesoul]

𝐌𝐎𝐎𝐃 𝐁𝐎𝐀𝐑𝐃𝐒 ft. @irasciblesoul

Who’s on the wrong or the right side of the law is just a matter of opinion.

#I FREAKING LOVE THIS! #( tbt. )

[irasciblesoul]

If we do this, there’s no going back. That is why we must.

#the vibes in this!!!! #( it will always be you and i. / captbenscn. )

[irasciblesoul]

captbenscn​:

Her Serenity.

Continued from here. @irasciblesoul

Olivia had barely talked to anyone all morning, only doing so if it was absolutely necessary. Only if it was work related. Small talk? That definitely wasn’t happening for Olivia today and after shooting a look at Cassidy that could have buried him six feet under after asking what was up with her, Fin and Munch knew better than to engage. Though, she would’ve tolerated them far more than Cassidy, if she’s being honest. Munch placed a donut on her desk and Fin offered her a smile and she just knew he wanted to ask if it was regarding her relationship with a certain older man.

A certain older man that happened to be her Captain.

But no, he wasn’t the reason for her sour mood. If anything, he’d be the reason it changes if she ever had a chance to see him today, but they both had been extremely busy. He was drowning in paperwork and meetings while she was dealing with the current case, but even just locking eyes with him across the room when able helped calm her, helped made her feel less terrible and broken and depressed and hurt.

It made it even harder that they hadn’t spent all that much time together. For the past few nights, she was staying with her mother, something she tries to do every couple of months, though after last night? She’s decided against it. The fight they had wasn’t the worst, but it was up there, and she nearly went to Elliot’s that night in search of comfort, but went to her own apartment instead, not wanting to be a burden to anyone else that night.

Well, last night. Day three of not being able to spend it with Elliot and she hated it. Ever since they became involved, most of their nights were spent with one another. More so at his apartment given he lived closer to the Precinct, but they would sometimes stay at her place for a change of scenery despite not being able to offer as much space as he did. Though, living further from the Precinct meant less of a chance of them being seen… they really needed to figure that part out because hiding this was growing more difficult every day. Being unable to go out for lunch or dinner, unable to flaunt their relationship a little, or that she had the sweetest and sexiest boyfriend. Some may disagree with him being the sweetest considering the rough exterior he put out, but people knew he cared. They knew he was compassionate.

They just didn’t get to see it the way Olivia Benson did.

And everyone knew she was compassionate and caring, wore her heart on her sleeve, but no one had ever seen her so vulnerable the way Elliot did and no one made her feel so comfortable with being as such. Thus why she finally went to him. She fought against the urge to just keep to herself and instead allowed the opposite, allowed herself to seek help. To seek the comfort of the man she felt most comfortable and safe with and she just… needed to talk. And coffee was code.

She walks into the break room first and once he closes the door behind her, Olivia is taking in a deep breath.

Is there something wrong?

When Brian asked her that - though worded differently -  she wanted to tell him to fuck off, but she refrained and dismissed him in a polite manner… well, somewhat. But with Elliot asking her, Olivia wanted to say everything. He made it so easy to talk, made it so easy to open herself up, and it terrified her because she’s never had that with anyone. She always thought she was damaged goods, collateral damage, difficult to love, to put up with, hard, stubborn - made her fear letting anyone know her, yet he made her feel differently. He’s seen her. He’s seen her and yet he is still here, and yet he is asking her what’s wrong.

One arm reaches across her stomach to her other arm where she rubs up and down, suddenly wincing when she rubs just above her wrist that’s covered by her jacket’s sleeve. it still stings from last night, from the way her mother grabbed her - her nails scraping against her skin when Liv pulled away…

“My, uh, my mother..” Olivia chuckles, though it’s humorless. More of a ‘shocking, huh?’ type thing. He mostly knew about her strained relationship with Serena. “Last night was… the last.” She swallows hard, leaning back against the counter, completely forgetting about the coffee - she hadn’t even started it. She lets out the breath she’d been holding, eyes downcast, staring down at the floor for a few moments. “I should’ve known better.” Liv scoffs at herself, eyes now looking up when she feels the tears start to gather. She should’ve known better than to stay there for more than a day, but the first one had gone so well, she thought maybe the second would…

She should’ve known better than to engage while she was drinking, but what would have walking away done? Even though she tried that after the argument became heavy and hurtful…

She should’ve known better than to tell her anything about her relationship… though she didn’t say with who. Just that she was happy.

She should’ve known better and the shame, the embarrassment, the hurt is all drowning her, written all over her face now as she fights the urge to break, to scream, to cry. But God, he’s right there. The man that she wants to collapse into is so close, just a few steps away…

But she can’t. She can’t do that here and that just adds to the pain she’s in.

Elliot had gotten used to having Olivia every night at his side since the inception of their relationship. Her warm skin against his one, her melodious voice in the darkness of the bedroom. The sound of her laughter bouncing off every corner of his home. Her company had managed to lay to rest his mind, causing the echoes of their days drift into nothingness. What had started as a simple means to a carnal end, becoming something powerful. Still, even though he was going to miss her greatly, he also understood that Olivia had other people in her life she needed to look after. Relationships that needed to be continually cultivated even if he thought that it wasn’t healthy, case in point Serena. 

Olivia had explained to him the type of relationship she had with her mother. Strain, hard to swallow most of the time. Elliot had half a mind to tell her that it wasn’t worth it, to continue to put herself through the ringer whenever she needed to visit her mother, but he understood that family, as chaotic as it might be, was important. 

Though sometimes cutting ties is necessary. He himself had to go through that very same thing himself. His father, Joe, wasn’t exactly the best father (it is the reason he strives to be better for the sake of Kathleen). Memories of him and his siblings growing up with the abused had shaped him to the person he is today. Of course, his mother had always chalked it up to: ‘It was the way back then but he loved you...’ But love shouldn’t be painful, right? Elliot just couldn’t stand that his mother defended him when she herself suffered the most out of all the members of the Stabler family. Warped mentality, he knows that now, but back then his understanding had been shot, even if as he grew up, he placed himself far away from his family. Cutting ties wasn’t easy, he could attest to that, but sometimes it is necessary. But that was a decision Olivia needed to make for herself. She is the one that has to live with that decision after all. 

Their relationship was strong, of that he had no doubts but there are still limits that they need to set or explore but that was something that would come at her pace. 

Once the door to the breakroom is closed and his question hangs around the room, Olivia’s demeanor completely shifts and he knows that things are not alright. His need, his want, to wrap his arms around her tight, to feel the vibration of her voice against his chest as she spoke was strong but he knows it wasn’t the place, and it kills him a million times over that the label on their relationship is ‘forbidden’. The words hung between them in bold and bright red letters and his mind is working over time to not act upon his feelings. Still, he takes a few steps closer, resume on the task she had abandoned of making coffee, as an excuse to be closer to her, So she could feel he was here with her, for her. 

“I’m sorry that things ended up poorly...” He speaks almost near to her ear as he pulled back after hitting the brew button on the machine. He leans against the counter with his back to the bullpen and his hands bracing against the edge of the counter. To the people outside they might just look like two people waiting for the coffee to brew and not too people sharing personal scars. “...I know how it feels when parents just don’t seem to stop disappointing you.” He’s trying to not reflect, but sometimes it is hard when the shoe fits.  “I wish there was more that I could do but the circumstances are less the ideal.” 

#Okay but liv out here breaking my heart this way and Elliot relating to her so much is the reason why their relaltionship works. #( You are my addiction. / Det/Capt. )

[irasciblesoul]

cute arhal moments (5/ ∞)

#OKAY BUT THIS IS SO FAMILIAR TO ME AND I REALZIED WHY — I replied in ira back on Twitter today and this is exactly how it looks to me #( It will always be you and I. / Captbenscn. )

[irasciblesoul]

The ocean, for one. Not just because of the color, but because if the calm you bring me. The sound of your voice is as soothing as the waves crashing against the shore, the blue in your eyes is as captivating as the shining blue water and often I find myself getting lost within them. The warmth of the sand is the same, relaxing and comforting warmth that you fill me with when you’re near or when your arms are around me. When I’m with you in at my most calm, my most peaceful. My happiest and safest.

But like the ocean, you are fierce, ever flowing, and persevering. And you have a temper. -She throws that in with a chuckle.- but I don’t think I need to elaborate on that.

Elliot is in awe thanks to her words. They touch part of his soul he had long thought dimmed by darkness. But here she is like always, brining parts of him back to life. The very definition of 'Breath of life' and warming glow, a healing breeze. That was Olivia Benson. A prodigious neon light sign that guided him to the right path. Every time he tried to explain how much she means to him, there are never enough words in the English language that could ever come close. It was an otherworldly feeling, loving Olivia and will always wonder how in the seven circles did he managed to withhold all that love for her in his heart. Maybe it was vaster than he first initially thought.

Elliot's lips curled into the truest of smiles, his hand reaching out to hers to simply hold. The warmth spread wide and true across his body and Elliot's lips part to say the only thing he can managed to before emotion took over and caused him to become a blubbering mess. "I love you." he say, voice crystal clear, eyes shinning with what could only be describe as tears. "Never have I ever felt worthy of you and your love but I'm starting to learn that part of healing is accepting that love is possible.... that I can love and be loved without any regrets. And you Olivia, my love for you is absolutely regrets free..." He is still learning of course. He is still learning to accept himself, flaws and all. He is still learning to forgive himself for leaving like he did, finally allowing himself to feel everything so it leaves his system. He is still learning that, despite it all, love can heal. That love is not a weakness, that love is what is going to save his soul from eternal suffering.

#nah cause when I said I'm emotional I mean elliot is also in that boat for the foreseeable future #( answered. ) #captbenscn #and of course daybreak

[irasciblesoul]

cute arhal moments (1/ ∞)

#( it will always be you and i. / captbenscn. )

[irasciblesoul]

The Return of the prodigal son.

@captbenscn​ 

“Liv.” He calls out, and it is soft. A whisper, a prayer, the sound of truth. A wave of disbelief crashing down on him after years of avoiding approaching the shore. In all this chaos, there’s hope. In this mess of blue and red lights, there are emotions that are slowly being dusted off by the steps echoing against the pavement. He’s not sure if she heard him, his mouth already opening to call out to her once more, but like a bolt finding it’s grooves, Olivia turns on her heels, and something clicks in the shrinking chasm that lays, that still lingers between them. He doesn’t hear her say his name, but he sees it in the shape of her lips and something in his chest breaks lose and the flood of memories, moments washes over Elliot and in a weird way makes him feel like he is finally where he is suppose to be.

Elliot looks into her eyes and it suddenly 1999 and they are standing beneath the rainy sky of New York City. ‘For better or worse’, echoing through his mind as he takes a step closer and the sun is beating down on him — her short hair swaying, folders held tight against her chest and he is stopping, realizing that there’s something new in his chest that shouldn’t be taking root.

He takes another step and the knife is against her neck, and he swear inwardly at the horrible pain that his heart is feeling at the thought of losing her. Another step and she’s gone and Elliot is forced to move on, to have another partner that could never measure up. The strings between them becomes taut, and Elliot is seeing her reclaim her desk saying: I work here. And his chest has never felt more relieved in his life.

He stops in front of her and it is 2006 and they are sitting on the steps to his house, the air of renewal swaying around them. The dark inky sky witness of all that was left unspoken, a bond that they did not dare to discover. Because he is sure things would have changed that night. If he was a little bolder, a little bit braver this moment between them would be entirely different. But nothing changed, everything remained the same and he is telling her about Kathy’s pregnancy and the disappointment in her voice is a knife to his heart.

Broken, unbound, burden by the well of emotions that had been shoved to the very basement of his self.

There were so many moments that had slowly began to surface, his mind overwhelmed, the air thick with remembrance and uncertainty. But it isn’t enough time… Not enough time to sort through twelve years of partnership. Not enough time to sort through the many moment he had wished for things that would have gotten him banned in the eyes of God. Not enough time to fully understand what it meant to have Olivia here, standing in front of him. So familiar but foreign at the same time and the ache in his chest spreads throughout his body.

He missed her, but right now wasn’t the time or the place to let her know as much. Not when the loud sound of sirens snaps him back to reality. That as quickly as he saw her, he needed to leave. “I have to go…” He muttered against his better judgement, he was being called by the paramedics. There was no more time to be wasted, Kathy stood at the edge of life and dead but here he was feeling torn about leaving Olivia’s presence once more. In that moment he made a promise to himself, that there was no way he would ever leave the same way he did a decade ago. He couldn’t, wouldn’t be strong enough to go through such a painful experience again. Elliot much rather face her anger, the scorn that she most likely held back throughout the year. The pain he cause, chained upon her heart in the hopes of one day being unbound.

#Here have a starter that you did not ask for because I had the muse to write something but I didn't have enough to write a one shot #so you get this #I feel like we never really wrote this for daybreak hee #( Daybreak. / Verse. ) #captbenscn

[irasciblesoul]

You do better. You honor this cross and all that is meant to represent.

“We’ve all done things we’re not proud of.”

You’re telling me.”

#I do love a good paralell. #( I'm drowning. How's that for recognition? / Visage. )

[irasciblesoul]

my friend…

#not getting over this any time soon. #( it will always be you and i. / captbenscn. )

[irasciblesoul]

#( I'm drowning. How's that for recognition? / Visage. ) #i love him your honor

[irasciblesoul]

“I belong here, with you, with your heart.”

Words that resonated deeply with Olivia. Completely. Perfectly. 

Because she belonged here with Elliot. In his arms, against his body, within his heart. It’s where she’s always belonged, even when she didn’t. When she couldn’t. And when he couldn’t. But he did, he always had and always would - even during those ten years he wasn’t there. Those ten years she had to be without him - he still belonged in her heart, taking up the biggest part of it. No one else came close. David, Brian, Ed… men that she cared for, that cared deeply for her, that once upon a time she loved, but never was she in love with them. Never did she feel an all consuming love for those men as she did with Elliot. The kind of love that made it difficult to think of anything else, that made it difficult to want anything else - the kind of love that either made you the happiest or brought you the most pain. The kind of love that only existed with one person and that person for her was Elliot. It always had been Elliot and it always would be. 

Everyone knew that. Brian knew it. Fin knew it. Amanda knew it. Cragen knew it. Some knowing before Olivia even admitted it to herself, but now she could admit it out loud without restraint. To herself, to Elliot, to the entire world, though she was sure they knew already. At least all of NYC did because who didn’t know about SVU Partners Olivia Benson and Elliot Stabler? There had been no other pair of partners that worked longer than she and Elliot had, there had been no other pair of partners with the kind of love, bond and friendship like the one that existed between Elliot Stabler and Olivia Benson.

All which still existed to this day. Even stronger now.

“The feeling is mutual.” She replies after a few seconds, lips pressed against his cheek once more before trailing their day down to his shoulder, just above the water. “El, you know I’ve… always wanted to be part of a family…” She murmurs against his wet skin, her fingers still gliding up and down his abdomen and chest beneath the water. “More than anything and it’s… something I’ve always had with you. Something I’ve always felt with you, with your kids..” Though, not in the way she truly wanted… until now. “Then I met Noah and I… I really felt it, you know?” Her son, the light of her life… just thinking of him had her smiling, brought tears to her eyes. “And now you’re back and we’re here and god, it’s… it really feels complete.” She murmurs against his skin, nuzzling her lips against him while pulling him closer against her if at all possible. 

“Family is everything.” Words he once said to her so many years ago. Words that she never forgot, words that she never let go of. They stuck with her since that day, stuck with her for the next fifteen years, to this very day. His voice never left her head, never left her heart. 

He was her family. Noah was her family. His kids were her family. And for that, she was thankful.

“So stop worrying about thanking me because you’ve done so much for me, too. Just having you is enough.” She sniffles, her emotions heard within her voice, words laced in them. Then her voice softens and her arms lock around him, holding him as close as possible, as though fearing letting him go, fearing losing him again, desperate to keep him close and with her - her voice barely above a whisper as she speaks her next words. “Having you is everything.” 

He stopped questioning it a long time ago…

 Elliot stopped disbelieving this. Having her, being able to love her freely. A thought that he had never dared to have all those years ago, now all fully realized. And yes, he had been afraid of the implications. Elliot always been afraid. Afraid for his mortal soul after life had been taken away. He had joked a few times before that Catholic Guilt does bring forth all kinds of truths. That it had a way of providing information that isn’t viewable to the naked eye, but it was there. In actions, in words, in split seconds decisions that could alter the course of someone’s life forever. Though that same guilt had a way of putting everything into perspective… And it did for Elliot but he made the wrong choice and paid for it with ten years of penance. The years he ripped himself away from Olivia.

 Never again will he ever adhere to his guilt instead of listening to his heart.

 What was that saying: Listen to your heart, cause it always knows what’s right.

 And his had always been right when it came to Olivia.

 Family is everything. An adage that his entire life has been based on.  A promise that had been ever present in his life. Three words that were tattooed to his very soul. And yes, he knows, he has always been aware that Olivia’s biggest wish had always been to be part of a family, to belong somewhere and in a way she had always belonged in his but it wasn’t as simple as the words seemed to be. It took a great deal of restrain back then to let her know with his own voice that she had a place to belong. But he never said so out loud, even though he was aware, that in some level she always knew, it wasn’t the same without confirmation from him. So he said it: ‘Family is everything.’ And hoped that understood the underlining of his words, what was left unspoken for her to uncover.

 “Without you I always felt incomplete.” He confessed, a chortle like scoff bring freed from parted lips. There was exhaustion there. Not because of the recent events but everything, their lives, their story together. How hard they had to fight in order to be together. Elliot had always worried of what would come after they finally got together. Would it be like they imaged? Or would they be disappointed of what they found? But it wasn’t like that. Elliot had found out that there was an undiscovered universe within Olivia. Every day he learned something new. Everyday a new adventure knocked at their door. So that fear had been washed away by the curve of her smile and the sweetness of her kiss. It had been thoroughly erased  by her touch and the warmth of her soul. Being in love with Olivia had always been his greatest strength. She was his unlimited source of power.

 Turning his head, Elliot’s lips pressed against the skin of her neck. Staying there for a few moments. Feeling the warmth of her skin, feeling the soft beating of her pulse point against his lips. “You know me, I’m a stubborn bastard.” He laughed airily, the hand that had been on top of her tightening against hers. “I will forever be grateful, and everyday I will thank you for all you’ve done and God for putting you in my path.” At that last part he couldn’t help sighing because it took him this long to realize, that, his belief in some invisible force had been consuming him with guilt and today he is thanking that same force for this. The irony isn’t missed to him. The complexity of his own mind couple with his faith twisting in ways impossible to untangle but day by day he is walking, making his way around the labyrinth of his own making but now he is finally accept the help required for him to walk out of it unscathed.

#Elliot always so introspective lol #But FUCK these two own me #( Daybreak / Main verse. ) #captbenscn

[irasciblesoul]

#( it will always be you and i. / captbenscn. )

[irasciblesoul]

@ / series

#wee too florist and tattooist #( it will always be you and i. / captbenscn. )