its-herlittlesecret

[its-herlittlesecret]

You think about being small, a child. No. Smaller, a bird. Smaller still, a small bird. You think about the art of holding, of being held. This hand can crush you.

— Donika Kelly, from “Catalogue,” in Bestiary: Poems

[its-herlittlesecret]

“Once in a while we meet a gentle person. Gentleness is a virtue hard to find in a society that admires toughness and roughness. We are encouraged to get things done and to get them done fast, even when people get hurt in the process. Success, accomplishment, and productivity count. But the cost is high. There is no place for gentleness in such a milieu. Gentle is the one who does ‘not break the crushed reed, or snuff the faltering wick.’ Gentle is the one who is attentive to the strengths and weaknesses of the other and enjoys being together more than accomplishing something. A gentle person treads lightly, listens carefully, looks tenderly, and touches with reverence. A gentle person knows that true growth requires nurture, not force. Let’s dress ourselves with gentleness. In our tough and often unbending world our gentleness can be a vivid reminder of the presence of God among us.”

— Henri Nouwen

[its-herlittlesecret]

Tobi’s sick. I took him to the vet yesterday and my supposition was right that he’s got the canine distemper virus. He’s been vomiting for days, and would not eat. He’s very lethargic and i guess his secretion also pains him too.

I understand God how maddeningly broken this world is and I know You are just as good and faithful. I don’t know where I am going with this. I’m not grumbling against you. I’m just. Just. Prior to this, i’ve already been battling with anxiety and depression. It’s been persistent for months, and I’m not coping well. Relatively, my symptoms are not evident but dear God you know exactly how i feel completely weak and incapable of anything at this point. 

How do I fight when i’m lacking the will?

#021221

[its-herlittlesecret]

Sem’s basically down to its last week--meanwhile, i have yet to accomplish quite a handful of my remaining requirements, many of which are long overdue.

God, I’m really sorry I’ve faltered greatly this sem. Even now, as I try to accomplish my papers one by one, anxiety seeps in & i could only heave a sigh. It’s so hard to function and be in my best working condition. I have my own room. A  conducive environment. Heck, I even have a fast internet connection. I asked for your provision, and here it is. God, I pray for a peaceful mind and heart. I pray for freedom against mental anguish. 

May this little energy i have left be worthy of the praise you deserve. Thank you for loving me so much all these years. God, thank you for always being so patient with me. 

#120720

[its-herlittlesecret]

Sometimes I wonder how far can rock bottoms go before they can unearth a whole hallow & stop? Just stop and leave my one broken heart. 

Holding-my-breath-underwater kind of morning. I just want to lie down the whole day and stare in nothingness. My energy’s depleted. I’m sad. I’m rejected. I’m just heartbroken. But just for today. 

God, renew my strength. Hold my hand. When my grips loosening, don’t let me fall from your grace. 

#120520

[its-herlittlesecret]

I GOT A JOB TODAY! IM ONE STEP CLOSE TO STARTING, ALL I HAVE TO DO IS PAST THE REMAINING REQUIREMENTS LIKE MY PHOTO, VID, AND OTHER DOCS! I’M HONESTLY EXCITED BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE FINALLY I’M JUMPING INTO A NEW POOL THAT I’M GENUINELY HAPPY AND NOT SCARED ABOUT.

I’m close to paying my debts! Lord, thank you because You did not let November end just okay, you redeemed frail November and turned it to daylight. My brain’s trying to grope for more grateful words but i’m way too exhausted at the moment. Should I take a nap first? Ugh, at this point, i’m just basically a zombie. I mean, i used to pull all nighters back then, now starting the day at 3AM feels like a thousand light years away from sleep. Anyway, i’ll doze off for now and crossed finger i hope to wake up just in time to submit. 

#113020

[its-herlittlesecret]

I’m 23 and i’m just about to start my (2nd) job. My first was a few years back when I stopped schooling because I got dismissed. 

It’s just so hard to be financially stable in this time. Our fridge is basically empty. We barely have stock food. I mean, we’re not poor. We’re now living in our own house. My brother’s in fact a licensed engineer but he pursued a career in the academe. I’m graduating next sem but given the circumstance under the pandemic and my degree, i want to stay hopeful but it’s so difficult to do so. God, help. And to be frank, i’m also struggling to finish my thesis and some other requirements.

I’m starting work probably next week after my training. I pray i will not mess up.

So I just asked my brother if I can borrow money because i need to settle my remaining deliverables with my prev commitment. It’s been three semesters that i’ve been struggling to pay my tuition. All of it are promi. Lord, i’m barely starting and yet my debt’s growing fast. I just wanna be debt-free.

More or less, i came here just to breeze out my heavy thoughts. I’m still thankful that I have a beautiful room of my own here in our new house. Hey self, c’mon, just wait, alright?

Your time will come. For now, build up your character, build up discipline, grow in ways you’re called to so when everything’s ready, you’re just as equipped and ready to take responsibility. Number your days like David. You are not alone in this battle. When it’s time to ask for help, ask. Swallow your pride and shame. It’s okay. 

#112920

[its-herlittlesecret]

Lorraine Zago Rosenthal, Other Words for Love

[its-herlittlesecret]

I just want to be okay.

[its-herlittlesecret]

“My time of the year, November. The month when I re-read books, leaf through papers, gather notes. It’s a kind of hunger for work, for activity, for taking up all the old tasks once again. And that damp organic smell in the morning when I go out — and the warm halos of lamplight in the evening when I return …”

— Mihail Sebastian, For Two Thousand Years (trans. Philip Ó Ceallaigh)

[its-herlittlesecret]

“Don’t run anymore. Quiet. How softly it rains On the roofs of the city. How perfect All things are.”

— Czeslaw Milosz, tr. by Robert Hass, from “After Paradise”

[its-herlittlesecret]

October 27, 2020

Lord, i’m in a depressive state again. Lately, everything feels subdued in water, and i’m watching my life beneath as the skies change colors, the light fades, the ships sail, and all the in betweens. I’m quiet. I’m just in the quiet. As though held by some invisible strings. And i want to stop feeling like my bones are anchored to the sea. I dont wanna continue like this. Not again. I wanna start swimming to the surface & just be alive through highs and lows of the waves. To billow in excitement and not be scared of the tempest. To brave the waters and be confident that every step towards the deep is who i am. Who i wanna be. And i’ll be safe.

#just #ramblings #pages

[its-herlittlesecret]

October 19, 2020

Pending thesis.

Pending requirements.

I think I’m okay. Or am i really? Lord, i don’t feel real enough i guess. And i feel like i’m thinning out, not in faith. Just me. I’m drifting away emotionally, like my senses are altogether. Intact. But i’m away.

[its-herlittlesecret]

Poems are nearer to prayers than to stories, but in poetry there is no one behind the language being prayed to. It is the language itself which has to hear and acknowledge […] In all poetry words are a presence before they are a means of communication

John Berger, And Our Faces, My Heart, Brief as Photos (via soracities)

[its-herlittlesecret]

Last night was one of my worst nights battling against anxiety/depression. I was literally feeling okay a few hours before it occurred. I felt so confused how my emotions suddenly went downhill from that point, I couldn’t breathe well and my chest was so heavy. 

I was so afraid of myself and my thoughts. I tried to continue working on my paper but no decent thought came. I stared at my screen listening to the TGIM: Dealing with Depression podcast but I was also in a hurry to end it because my insides are churning and I don’t know how to compose myself. 

Lord, paano na ba ‘to? I want to fight. I know You’re word. But i feel so the opposite. I had diarrhea this morning. for two days, my hands and feet were simply cold. I lack sleep. I can’t sleep long because every time I wake up, I’d open my eyes feeling like something bad’s gonna happen to me. Sometimes, I just wanna disappear. 

#090220

[its-herlittlesecret]

Ang lungkot ko.

[its-herlittlesecret]

“From where does poetry come? From the heart’s intelligence from a hunch about the unknown or from a rose in the desert?”

— Mahmoud Darwish, from ‘Mural’, Mural (trans. John Berger & Rema Hammami)