its-wingedbouquet-fan

[its-wingedbouquet-fan]

normalize not forcing people to choose you. If someone thinks they can get better elsewhere – let them try. Respectfully.

[its-wingedbouquet-fan]

ⓘ This user is tired.

#please god #let him be my one #and let me be his

[its-wingedbouquet-fan]

[its-wingedbouquet-fan]

15 April 2024

Dear no one,

It's me again and life is getting better. I finally found my person, still have some doubts, but still my person nonetheless. And no, it's not the 'best friend' that I have mentioned in the previous letters. I managed to keep my oath to remove myself from their life. They tried to reconnect several times, but I know it's better this way. It's safer. I don't want to hurt other's hearts, and I don't want to hurt mine as well.

My person is such a joy in my life. His smile and warm embrace are everything to me. Yes, he has his faults, but he's willing to grow together with me. We actually fought and broke up once because of financial problem, but he fought for me. He is trying and working so hard for me. For me. As someone who was always the second option and the safety net, I never had that. I never have people trying their best to be mine and to make me theirs. I feel like I am growing, as a person, and so is he. I ended up going to places I had never been, eating food I always dreamed of tasting, wearing clothes, and styling them to express myself much more authentically. I ended up going on those dates, holding hands, and I am now a part of someone's life. Someone who actually wants, chooses, and cherishes me.

:)

10 May, 2020

Dear anyone who bothered to read this

Initially I want to send this to my best friend but he never tell me his email address and he's currently going through his first ever break up so I don't wanna burden him with my unimportant matters.

So, hi!

I wrote this while I'm under lockdown on the day that makes me prefer to stay in the shower as long as I can.

I'm planning to send this for 10 more years, to the year of 2030. I don't think I'll still be around at that time.

I'm doing great, or so most people says and knows about me. Well, what to be mourning for? I'm gonna graduate for my undergrad degree in a month, then I'll continue my study for a year to get my master degree, all the while maintaining to be a part of a startup. I have a decent appearance and people seem to like me easily. I can be a smooth talker when I need to. Graduating from a reputable high school and university. Such a perfect child.

But then, there are layers of me that not many people have ever seen.

They don't know that if I want to keep up with my masters I should wrapped my thesis in less than a month. They do not know that I will have no job waiting for me after graduation because of that creep who harassed me when I'm interning there. They do not know that I am the liability in the startup team. That I am the one who drag them down with me.

I feel like I am wearing multiple masks. And I can only be me when I'm alone with my thoughts. Like now. Nobody knows how hard it is for me to pull myself from the bed, take a shower, do some makeup and off to the outside world. Interacting with other people. I have purposefully not getting up all day, with my lights out and bed unmade. Only the fairy lights and some words from the song accompanied me while my tears pouring down my eyes effortlessly. No one looked for me that day. No one asked for my presence that day. No one asked me to hang out or to work on projects that day. No one cares.

And the day after that, I came back with a smile on my face. No one suspected shit.

I also have purposefully canceled and avoided events on those kind of days. People will look at me and thought that that's just how I am. A flake.

Have I told you that I feel numb?

I can't feel my emotions when I'm with people. Those feelings will come rushing me, drowning my lungs, at the end of the day. When I am alone.

That's how I cope.

#personal #unsent letters #journal #diary #love #rants #text

[its-wingedbouquet-fan]

ugh I like it so much when he cradles my head on his hands just like a big potato

#potatoes #life #sweet potatoes #LOVE IT #SO MUCH

[its-wingedbouquet-fan]

this is the money chilchuck of good fortune, rb for wealth & union contracts to come your way

[its-wingedbouquet-fan]

did you know there's a day-by-day timeline of the plot in the dungeon meshi adventurer's bible and TODAY is when it all kicks off

happy falin gets eaten and the gang eats a monster day :)

[its-wingedbouquet-fan]

“I know you are in love with this person you thought was your soulmate and I know it hurts not getting the same love in return. I know you opened up to this person you thought would understand and I know it hurts not getting the response that you expected. But if I ask you this — ‘why do you feel the need to be heard by someone who doesn’t appreciate your words?’, what would you tell me? I know, it’s because your heart has built a home in someone who wants to stay barren and trust me, there is nothing in this world that could change it — this person doesn’t feel it, you can’t make them feel it. I know it hurts because at some point, it hurt me too. And I want you to know that this gets better — even if you don’t have hope, things will change with time. This person came into your life to break you into pieces and all you need is a little courage to tell yourself that you’ve had enough. All I want you to do, right at this moment, is to collect all your broken pieces and fix them as much as you can — even if it makes you tired, carry on. And here’s a warning, you can’t fix those pieces and become the happy person that you were before you met this person — instead, stitch those pieces with gold and be an artwork made with kindness. That’s what you need, that what I need and that’s what everyone else around us needs.” by memoirsofbilal (via Instagram)

— world needs our kindness

[its-wingedbouquet-fan]

The introductory “Hate” monologue from I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream, with AM voiced by the TikTok TTS

[its-wingedbouquet-fan]

I stopped writing a long time ago as I have stopped reading books or other creative works in such intense, time-consuming, and emotionally involved ways.

Recently, I rediscovered my old writings in the form of poems and even fanfictions. And all I felt were awe and longing for someone that I used to be. There was some embarrassment here and there, but I was not prepared for the extreme longing and gut-wrenching realization that some part of me that I used to love, that part of me that used to be able to care for people and things so deeply, that same part of me that always find goods in people, might never return.

I understand that I'm the person that I am right now because, currently, this is how I survive life. As I was the way I was, because of the same reason. That I, as a human, tuning my views and behaviors based on the input and weight that I have received. Constantly learning and changing to survive the conditions that I found myself in.

I can't help but resent the years that my learning path had to go through a massive halt, and therefore rapidly change my perspectives on everything, too fast for my own heart to comprehend.

There are so many what-ifs and so many versions of me that I won't get the chance to know.

There are so many relationships and so many people that were lost, beyond recovery, along the way.

I questioned my decisions that I've made almost every single day. But, in the end, all I can say to myself is that I made those decisions with the knowledge that I had back then, trying to choose the best course of action, trying to protect myself.

Some stuff still feels unfinished, and some feel like it needs to be recovered, even when there's nothing left to save. So I persist. I'm just trying to protect myself.

From pain.

From you.

It all boils down to me, missing parts of myself that have changed in the course of time, molded in a way that sometimes I don't recognize.

#text #rants #existential crisis #life #unsent letters

[its-wingedbouquet-fan]

if you haven’t, i hope you fall in love with life again. i hope you wake up with a happy sigh, hope you feel like doing things you enjoy, hope you are surrounded by people who make you feel safe, hope you smile at yourself in the mirror.

[its-wingedbouquet-fan]

SORRY FOR THE VERY PERSONAL COMIC!!

This is my half of “Unhealthy”, an essay comic double header with the lovely and talented Sarah Winifred Searle. She and I both wrote about our personal experiences as overweight ladies with eating disorders, and her story is breathtaking! You can buy a physical copy of the book here: https://topatoco.com/collections/abby-howard/products/ah-unhealthy

Or buy a digital PDF here: https://abbyhoward.itch.io/unhealthy

[its-wingedbouquet-fan]

you say it's my villain era and what you mean is that when you were six you panicked about wearing the right thing to kindergarten, what you mean is that in middle school nobody was eating, what you mean is that you spent high school prepping for college and college prepping for adulthood and adulthood fucking lost in the system.

what you mean is that you've been good. you were a good team player. you would have never considered yourself perfectionist - those are people more popular, prettier, more successful - but you carry any flaw like a secret in you, terrified someone will desert you for the simple reality of your personhood.

if you were good you could be loved. you could be loved if you were selfless and thoughtful and caring. if you bent over for every person, if you went above-and-beyond, it would absolve you of who you actually were. deep down, how horrible that you had needs. that you had boundaries, that you had desires. you learned young that you cannot afford to cut people out of your life - you would have nothing left. it is better to live in the service of others, to supplicate. to worship. you weren't exceptional, you had to make up for it in some way. to prove to others you were worthy.

if they need you, it's the same thing as loving you. if you are always-there, always-listening, always-friendly, you are filling a role. you have a purpose. you are living correctly.

villain era, you repeat. you mean: yesterday you finally told a man no. for hours afterwards, you couldn't control your heartbeat. you mean: you've been saying positive affirmations on repeat, trying to teach yourself any new thing about how self care is necessary. you mean: three weeks ago, due to a scheduling conflict, you finally told a coworker that no, you couldn't do them a "quick favor". you have felt bad about that ever since. sure, it would have made you work late and it would have been extra stress - but you feel bad about it nevertheless.

you tell your therapist you have been leaning into evil. she asks what that means. when you tell her: sometimes i prioritize my own needs, she doesn't find it funny. she looks at you a long time.

"and that's evil?" she clarifies.

"well," you say. "feels evil to me."

[its-wingedbouquet-fan]

my mom, dad, and sis catch a cold in the same time.. it even might be covid? I'm the only one that is still okay, along with my cat (even though he got some skin condition rn so he's been rockin a new haircut). work is overloaded and understaffed. feeling a lot selfish bcs I'm not satisfied with my relationship, honestly it feels like the connection is blurring away, but on the other hand I understand that my partner is going through a lot, but also at the same time I know i deserve better ..it's confusing. all of my friends are busy and can't quickly reply my rants so here I am

#rants

[its-wingedbouquet-fan]

[its-wingedbouquet-fan]

[its-wingedbouquet-fan]

“I don’t regret it but I’ll never do it again.”

— x

#my life #basically