iwannabeverythingimnot

[iwannabeverythingimnot]

haunted by-you

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[iwannabeverythingimnot]

[iwannabeverythingimnot]

I’ve fucked myself over. I would have been better off continuing fighting for disability and trying to get my own small place. Now I’m stuck here, feeling like shit and feeling like I don’t matter beyond being nothing but a maid. He won’t even fuck me, hasn’t in almost 2 years. Is this what “love” is? I feel so alone and unwanted. I’d kill myself but my brother Is already dead with my sister following in addiction, I couldn’t kill myself and hurt my mom like that.

I don’t know how to move forward or how to fix myself from feeling this way. I wish I could fall asleep and stay asleep forever.

[iwannabeverythingimnot]

I wish I had never been born.

[iwannabeverythingimnot]

I hate everyone and everything. Humans are terrible. Life is meaningless and useless. Why the fuck do I exist?

[iwannabeverythingimnot]

BPD Splitting is when you don’t “need anyone to survive” only to realize you do need help because you’re so fucked up you can’t live completely on your own.

#bpd #living with bpd #bpd recovery #bpd diary #bpd splitting #bpd sucks #bpd vent #bpd blog #bpd thoughts #bpd stuff #actually bpd #bpd feels #bpd problems #bpd shit #bpd mood #bpd fp #fml

[iwannabeverythingimnot]

When I say I’m gonna “figure it out” it really means I’m going to do without. Whether that be selling my prized possessions, starving a few weeks, not being able to get my meds or go to the doctor, or I just suffer mentally and I don’t get to experience happiness or any relief.

Why the fuck am I alive. Why the fuck am I still here? Is it because I don’t have the guts to kill myself? Why the fuck have I chosen this suffering over absolute peace and hopefully nothingness. K doesn’t understand why I don’t want to live, this is why, because every thing is a fucking struggle. I’m fighting for life in a world that I can’t even afford to live in. If I didn’t have K, I’d have no place to live, I’d have no way of even being where I am today and he doesn’t get that. He’s never had to struggle in life, worry how he’s going to get to work so that he can have money to have a place to live and be able to eat. He doesn’t know what it’s like to not have parents to go to to help emotionally, financially or in any capacity. He doesn’t know what it’s like to have to compromise everything I am just so that I don’t have to sleep on the street.

I need to just give up, but after my brother died, I can’t bare to do that to my mom. I hate this. I hate life and I hate struggling and fighting for nothing.

[iwannabeverythingimnot]

I haven’t cut in years, since 2019. To say I am struggling is an understatement. K either doesn’t care enough to notice or he just doesn’t give a shit. I just had my birthday and he played video games all day. We went to his parents last night to celebrate and he tried getting out of that, saying his stomach hurts, he reluctantly goes but we have to leave early because of his stomach. We get home and he goes straight back to the video games. Hasn’t helped around the house, trash, laundry and dishes piling up because I don’t have the energy and he can’t be bothered to do anything to help out at home. If he’s not working, he’s playing video games. Hasn’t fucked me in over a year. I don’t know if I’m struggling because I feel like the relationship is nothing. I just don’t feel like he gives a shit anymore and I’m just his maid.

How many fresh cuts will it take to make me feel better, or at least make it more bearable to be alive. At 17 so far.

[iwannabeverythingimnot]

10/17/23

Weight:

190.0lbs

Food Intake:

-Small Donut

-Ritz crackers

-1 chicken breast

- Asparagus spears

-6 Reese’s mini cups

Workout:

-Yard work all day w/ water breaks

-Finished painting walls

[iwannabeverythingimnot]

I have a trip coming up, gifted from K’s mom, and I want to look good . I’ve been struggling losing weight, hitting a plateau of ~185lbs. I clean houses 2 times a week with my mom and my doctor said that is enough exercise but clearly he is wrong. I really need to get serious and push myself to workout more and eat less.

I realized that posting on here, and coming on here to see the thinspo was the most helpful for me. So I’m returning to here to hold myself accountable with daily posts on exercise and food consumption. Thinking I’ll do a weigh in 2 times a week. I also need to start wearing my corset again.

[iwannabeverythingimnot]

Sometimes I feel trapped. Most times I feel trapped. How can I stop feeling this way?

[iwannabeverythingimnot]

5/9/23

Depression has been kicking my ass, additionally my brother’s “Celebration of Life” is finally happening this month when he died in December. My mom wanted to wait until the weather was better and we could go to his favorite lake to spread some of his ashes. I haven’t dealt with his death and it feels like it’s now hitting me. I’ve been crying so much that my face is raw.

I’m trying to be productive and set daily goals for myself. Most days I can only get a thing or 2 done but I guess that’s better than nothing. I really hope I can lose the weight I want to lose. I just want to be skinny and pretty.

I’m pretty sure that one of my best friends and I are over. After a fight, an hour long conversation, and many tears, I feel like I have flipped on them. With BPD I have found that it’s almost like a switch in me. Someone goes from being my favorite person and someone I would die for to all of that not mattering and I could give a shit less. What they said to me in our last conversation made it clear just how they see me as a person. I’m not able to give them the friendship they want and I’m tired of feeling like the bad guy. It is easier to just pull away and end any close friendships. I don’t want to be hurt anymore and betrayed by people I trust. Remove people and the problem is solved. Moving forward, no new friends or efforts to have any.

#bpd #bpd diary #bpd problems #bpd blog #journal #online diary #mentally unwell #bpd recovery

[iwannabeverythingimnot]

4/24/23

Today was a good day. Went to work, got my bank shit figured out. Bathed and even did my makeup today. Went to a birthday dinner with K’s family that went nicely with good food. I love K so much and I really do hope I get to spend the rest of my life with them.

It has been a nice relief to have a good day. I’ve been having a lot of bad days, days where I struggled to get through, fighting thoughts of self harm and suicidal ideation. I hope I can start having more good days again.

#bpd blog #bpd diary #bpd life #bpd #depression #journal #online diary #daily diary #mentally unwell #life #depressed #sad #mentally unstable #good day

[iwannabeverythingimnot]

4/23/23

Today I tried my best to relax and do some creating. Colored and even did some work on a commission. It wasn’t a super productive day but I still felt as though I got things done. I even opened up all the curtains in the house to let the sun in, and burn some incense so that my space was purified. Cleaned up my studio as well.

I tried reaching out to my BFF, but I guess she is still mad about me splitting bad on her on this last Monday. I’m struggling with splitting, disassociating, flashbacks and panic attacks every day and I’m exhausted. Fingers crossed I have a better week than this last one,

#bpd #bpd life #bpd diary #bpd problems #depression #bpd blog #depressed #journal #online diary #daily diary #mentally unwell #splitting #self care #ptsd #life

[iwannabeverythingimnot]

4/22/23

It’s been a hot minute. Life has spiraled out of control. I need to start taking the time to really take better care of myself. My body weight is atrocious, my skin picking is worse than ever before, I wake up and I don’t want or care about anything and I’m struggling with panic attacks, disassociating, and thoughts of self harm. I’m also still grieving and for whatever reason, my brothers death is just now hitting me hard. I wonder if it’s because I basically stopped taking my Zoloft and I am definitely not taking my meds as prescribed.

Starting tomorrow and continuing every day moving forward, when I wake up, I’m going to do my best to start physical self care, no picking, exercising, stretching, hair products, vitamins, eating healthier, focusing more on DBT and start creating more. It’s a lot easier said than done but I need to do something to move forward.

#bpd #bpd diary #living with bpd #bpd recovery #bpd life #ptsd tw #ptsdsurvivor #ptsd #bpd blog #journal #online diary #mentally unwell #i

[iwannabeverythingimnot]

My little brother is dead. He OD’d on heroin.

I want to wake up.

[iwannabeverythingimnot]

Just fighting that urge to eat all day because I’m a fat fuck who constantly thinks about food 😭