j-hankim

[j-hankim]

March 7, 2023

There’s a sense of clarity today. Blessed with wisdom by Johnny Chang.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z1QNZV7K5P4 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=goS0cVW9P04&ab_channel=UnderTheInfluenceShow https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5CCtTpa6Us&t=4715s

[j-hankim]

Rate of sanctification

"The rate of sanctification is completely variable. We cannot predict how it will go.Some people, during some seasons of life, leap and bound like gazelles… For other people (and the same people, at another season of life) sanctification is a steady, measured walk... Other people (and same people, another season) trudge. It’s hard going. You limp. You don’t seem to get very far very fast. But if you’re trudging in the right direction – high praises to the Lord of glory!...And then there are times you aren’t even moving, stuck in gridlock, broken down – but you’re still facing in the right direction. That’s Psalm 88, the “basement” of the Psalms. This man feels dark despair – but it’s despair in the Lord’s direction. In other words, it’s still faith, even when faith feels so discouraged you can only say, “You are my only hope. Help. Where are You?” That counts – it made it into the Bible. There are times you might fall asleep in the blizzard and lie down comatose and forgetful – but grace wakes you up, reminds you, and gets you moving again. There are times you slowly wander off in the wrong direction, beguiled by some false promise, or disappointed by a true promise that you falsely understood. But He who began a good work in you awakens you from your sleepwalk, sooner or later, and puts you back on the path. And then there are times you revolt, and do a face-plant in the muck, a swan dive into the abyss – but grace picks you up and washes you off again, and turns you back. Slowly you get the point. Perhaps then you leap and bound, or walk steadily, or trudge, or crawl, or face with greater hope in the right direction.We love gazelles. Graceful leaps make for a great testimony to God’s wonder-working power. And we like steady and predictable. It seems to vindicate our efforts at making the Christian life work in a businesslike manner. But, in fact, there’s no formula, no secret, no technique, no program, and no truth that guarantees the speed, distance, or time frame. On the day you die, you’ll still be somewhere in the middle, but hopefully further along. When we lengthen the battle, we realize that our business is the direction. God manages to work his glory in and through all of the above scenarios! God’s people need to know that, so someone else’s story doesn’t set the bar in a place that is not how your story of Christ’s grace is working out in real life." - David Powlison

[j-hankim]

What I learned today: 4/15/20 @ 1:13am

God is so good. Merciful. Abundant in his grace. It's been a rough few weeks. Social distancing. Being depressed. Staying up late. Sleeping in / teleworking from bed. Falling so behind in school wotk. It's been a very down few weeks. Since my last post 3/25, life has been a struggle and I was in a rut.

But today was such a good day and tomorrow will be as well. I got SO MUCH accomplished. I slept early, before midnight, last night for the first time in forever and woke up at 7 to start my day. Did a bunch of chores. Made food. Reach my step goal. Today was so good. I've been smiling all day and it's a stark contrast from being so gloomy.

I started a devotional today after this long hiatus and being depressed for a few weeks.

Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. 

"When you feel like you are unworthy of forgiveness, or when everything around you seems lost, remember there is nothing that could separate you from His love and goodness. Even at our worst moment, God sent His Son to die for us so that we would have everlasting life. 

So in every season, may we remember this good news: God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good."

God is good, all the time. Even when I feel down and depressed, He will remain good all the time.

Thankful for God revealing himself to me and thankful that He calls me child, made in His image. And in turn, I call him Abba Father.

And Jesus said, "Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will."

Mark 14:36

[j-hankim]

What I learned today: 3/25/2020

The Gospel isn't for the young, fertile "Hagar"s. They are for the barren, desolate "Sarah"s. Children of promise vs children of the flesh.

The gospel makes absolutely anyone a child of God but those who are the most proud, and moral, and religiously "able" are often the ones left out of God's family. The gospel reverses the world's values.

Isaiah 54:1

Galatians 4:21-31

Genesis 21:10

[j-hankim]

What I learned today: 3/21/2020

Thankful for God and friendships. Learned I should be more honest about what I'm feeling and going through.

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What I learned today: 3/20/2020

God is so good. I am blessed. He has provided so much so far and He will continue to.

Thankful for family.

Thankful for friends.

Thankful for loved ones.

Amidst everything going on with COVID-19, I am thankful that I have the ability to provide support to those that are in need and less fortunate. Today, I was able use my some airline miles (122k American Airlines miles balance) to get someone home as they were stuck in Thailand. Only 37,500 miles. They would have had to pay over $1,000 if not.

A prayer for today is continuing to use my financial situation and privilege circumstance to serve God's people. Through this, I can encourage those that are already in the walk and be a light for those that are not.

[j-hankim]

What I learned today: 3/19/2020

Share the Gospel whenever you can. People need the Gospel now more than anything.

Felt compelled after reading the story of an internet stranger.

OP:

A few months ago I sold my GPU, and my 1440p monitor.

With my family, kids, career, life, I had no time to play and when I looked at steam it said I last logged on 2 years ago - so I sold them. They were literally gathering dust.

Anyway, I'm now suddenly on unpaid leave for the foreseeable future and my GF is stressed and suddenly wants a break. So no kids or family to look after, no work to keep my mind of this crippling circumstance of being all alone at home.

The speed in which I went to on top of the world to this, has been astounding.

Only thing I really know to escape reality for a little bit is to game. I have a massive steam library I built up but never got around to playing.

Probably not the best idea to spend any money in my circumstance right now but im hoping to find a good deal on a used GPU - at the very least I'm looking at it as an investment in my sanity over the next 2 months.

I still have an old 1080p 144hz monitor so I'm looking for a GPU that I can use to push games at that resolution / frame rate.

Thanks for listening.

Me:

Send me a PM. Ill ship out an ASUS STRIX GTX 970 4GB to you. On me. It should be powerful enough for what you're looking for. I don't game too much anymore and this was a card I got for a budget build. Yesterday, our church was recently discussing ways that we can serve those in the world while also adhering to social distancing. I randomly opened up hardwareswap for the first time in several months today and your post was the first thing I saw.

In troubling times like this, for some, the online community is all we have. I just don't have the time for much gaming anymore but it'll be good to link up on steam and check in. Just pay it forward when you're back on your feet and keep your chin up for now.

Sent to Richard.

For sure man. The God upstairs is a God that loves you and wants the best for you. He created you in his image and He always works things out. He's always looking out for you and the hope is you look for Him. We may not see it now but we'll realize it later down the road.

I know you're from Texas so Christianity is so culturally ingrained. I'm Korean-american myself and Christianity is cultural within the Korean Community as well. Your short story hits close to home for me because I know what it feels like to feel hopeless. I know what it feels like to have depression as I battled it for over a decade. I know what it's like to escape life with games. At the end of the day, I think that it will be good for you to take your mind off of these turbulent times. Overall though, I pray and hope that you will continue to make tangible steps towards progress and not make step backwards in this weird and confusing season in your life

[j-hankim]

What I learned today: 3/18/2020

The teachings of Jesus don't save us. The teacher Jesus does. And when we're saved, we love his teachings.

We want to obey -> We are saved by faith alone but that faith ultimately is never alone because it will be demonstrated through our obedience, our works.

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Repost from SAT/SAD. A good reminder for self.

I see that some of us are having trouble getting into a relationship, thinking about getting into a relationship or is currently maintaining one, so here are some advice that might help you ☺️

P.S This will only work for those who desire serious, committed, long-lasting relationships. If you want flings or casual relationships, I'm not sure if it will be helpful.

Pre-relationship phase advice:

- Similarly to preparing for an interview. Get to understand yourself better, practice self-reflection, become more emotionally intelligent, and aware of your own personality. what are your strengths and weaknesses? What triggers you? Do you like yourself? What are your short term and long term goals? Recognize your flaws and improve on them. What do you value the most? And most importantly, are you ready to selflessly give yourself to another person?

- You may consider healing yourself from past traumas/emotional baggage or come to terms with them before going into a new relationship. These may affect your relationship and it’s not your partner's role to heal you from them.

- Ask the other party what do they want from the relationship, and at the same time, ask yourself, what do you want from the relationship? Are they looking for what you are looking for?

- Dating is sort of like an interview. During interviews, an employer may ask you: what can you bring to our company? Similarly, ask yourself, What can you bring to a relationship? Do you have what they value? Have you asked them what they want in the long term? Likewise, let them know what you value as well. Getting this part sorted out will save you time and a lot of heartbreaks.

-If things didn't work out the way you wanted to. Do not accuse the other party of leading you on or friend-zoning you (Are you perhaps delusional?). Blaming the other person is never a good mentality to have. You will appear immature and childish. Understand that you don’t fill each other’s needs, appreciate the time they’ve given you and move on with life.

Advice for people who are already in a relationship:

- Miscommunication and not communicating enough is how things go wrong in a relationship.

- You need to be able to make sacrifices. Don't make everything about yourself.

- It’s never about 50/50 split even bills or 50/50 effort. It’s about giving the most you can when you can.

- Compromise, forgive, understand, empathize.

- Think of ways to make your partner happy instead of how they can make you happy. “Love isn’t something you seek its something you give” quoted by Eugeo from SAO.

- “Seek first to understand, then to be understood” -Stephen Covey.

Those of you that feel ‘lead on', ‘friend zoned’ or have recently broken up and have no idea why. I hope this post gave you some insight as to why it may not have worked out.

[j-hankim]

A Father’s Love

I woke up this morning crying. Rubbing the crust and tears off my eyes, I was grateful to be alive. I was relieved to be back in reality. The clock shows 9:30 and just another Sunday. The date marks June 9th, 2019. It was all a dream and no I never did read Word Up! Magazine.

I suppose I’ve always been a vivid dreamer. Sometimes I wish I had an artist’s soft and controlled touch so I could paint these pictures I see in my dreams but I suppose only words will do for now.

Closing my eyes again takes me back to the apocalyptic world that I dreamt about. Raindrops give kisses to the windows like a jazz percussionist’s soft touch on a snare. The sound is almost hypnotic if you were to listen carefully. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Your feet could bounce to its cadence if you paid close enough attention. Outside the confines of this vehicle however, the outside world is less serene. The sky bleeds with grim, dark clouds. You could almost smell it in the air. You might even be able to taste it if you tried hard enough. “It” being an impending storm and It’s stewing in the background. A tornado spins off in the distance, picking up wind and the water around it, but being who I am, I glanced at the danger, glanced away, and minded it no attention.

The van we’re sitting in isn’t the most comfortable either but it’s serviceable. We as in, my dad and I. It’s probably a good time to mention that my dad and I are one of many passengers on this van. My trance from nature’s percussion breaks as my dad tells me to be careful as if he can feel some impending doom. Per usual, I don't mind it much attention. At that moment, I shake my head and thinking, "So random. He's always such a worry wart..." A lot of my redeeming qualities are from my dad but in this case and comparison, I suppose I'm more of the type to just roll with the punches and take things as they come. Why worry? Everything in this life is up to the Man upstairs anyways. The only certainty is rooted in Christ. 

Uncertainty is bounded by anything and everything else.

Where are we going in the first place? Why am I in a van? Our destination is unknown but it feels like a trip we had been planning for a while. The worn, grey cloth seats in the large passenger van welcome crashing waves of nostalgia. It's the same kind of car I've taken countless road trips with my second family, the church. A fond memory of my childhood it is, falling asleep on the shoulders of friends (and childhood crushes. Oops.), belting Chris Tomlin lyrics, and the excitement of traveling with the people near and dear to you.

After a few moments of daydreaming and pensively looking out the window, I snap out of my daze and see that our vehicle approaching a narrow bridge. As we reach its midpoint, I instantly feel a shadow creeping behind me. The temperature drops and there's a chill like a winter's breeze but I know it can't be just wind. This wind is more than just bite. There's no way it’s the twister I saw before but minded no attention to. I’m right but I wish I was wrong.

I look outside and a tidal wave extends past my uppermost view of the back window.  

The towering wave beings to casts a shadow over our van and I think, "Is this it?"

My dad shouts “우리 하나. 안돼!” and everything goes black as the tidal wave engulfs our van.

*** For those of you readers that aren’t Korean, he said, “No! My son”, using my Korean name.

Everything turns black and we're submerged. Fight or flight kicks in as I quickly gather my senses, shelve my emotions, and remind myself there’s no time for panic. I immediately look for my backpack and grab the black Avtomat Kalashnikova pocket knife I always carry on my person. With its metal handle, I meet the back of the van’s window with desperation. After a few valiant attempts, the window runs deep with hairline cracks like a spider's web and cold-water rushes as if it’s in a hurry. Such a thin line between Life and Death, both wait for no one.

As the vehicle starts to sink and the water rushes in from above, I abruptly get pushed up from below. Without a question, I climb out and start swimming to the surface. The push for survival feels like an eternity but I begin to see a hazy light off in the distance and above me. Bearing resemblance to an abandoned streetlight on a foggy night’s day, I know it’s the light at the end of the tunnel. These feeble arms grow heavy but I continue swimming upwards, refusing Death’s tempting arms. As I gasp for air above the water and finally pull myself ashore, a vision comes and brings me to my knees. In some way, the truth makes me wish I succumbed to temptation and welcomed Death’s arms. Like a movie flashback, a scene shows our van slowly sinking to the bottom of the water with several other windows broken in.

It’s hard to say what exactly happened in the van (it’s a dream after all…) but in that moment, I knew that my dad broke the other windows for the rescue of others. I knew he was the one behind the aforementioned push from below. I knew he gave his life to save his only son. Only until I met fellow survivors ashore did the reality of his sacrifice hit me. Like a horror move on VCR, the scenes rewinded on loop in my headspace and I broke down. End scene.

It's not like I had some sort of life epiphany on a Sunday, 9:30 in the morning. Rather, the whole experience and the rollercoaster wave of emotions was sobering. Moving. Refreshing.

I cried not only because of the mourning of my father in this dream but because I was moved by a father's love for his child. I know without a doubt that if this situation played out in real life, he would have done the exact same.

I come from a background of immigrant parents that left everything they had in their home country, familiarity and especially comfort. All this for the pursuit of happiness and a better opportunity. In the 1980s, my father fled the streets of Seoul knowing the fast-life led to only two options: death or behind bars. Around the same time, my mother had left her cushy corporate career to pursue her life-long dream to become a fashion designer. Her uncle lived in New York as a pharmacist at the time and said, “Come here and follow your dream. I’ll provide room/board for you.” She ended up studying in New York for a year until she ran out of money and her visa neared its expiration date at the same time. They were introduced by a mutual friend at a Korean immigrant church in the city of Rockville. Church wedding bells would ring only three months later. Their decision to get married was driven by necessity and a lack of choice rather than “love”, a common theme in many immigrant households. 

A Greybound bus rumbles down the New Jersey Turnpike as I wrap up this blog post. The timing of it all is a bit poetic, having this dream a week before Father’s Day and finishing it at the conclusion of our weekend trip. This getaway to New York City is significant and sentimental because it’s the first vacation my dad has had in over 30 years. His brother’s shop, a quiet dry cleaner’s in Southeast DC, is currently going through some re-leasing so he’s been decommissioned from his humble duty of cleaning and pressing garments for a few weeks now. His callous hands date back to the 1983. You could tell if you met him. His body and demeanor is inked with hard-work and diligence. The wear and tear of his job approaches 40 years now. We shared an embrace earlier today. We hugged for a moment after packing our things in our cozy hotel room in Korea Town, NYC. I told him Happy Father’s Day. He smiled and told me this weekend is the happiest he’s been in a long time. 

If you knew me when I was in my early 20s, you’d know this weekend would’ve been something conceived out of pure fantasy. I think we often get naïve with blinding pride and a lack of knowledge. Our young age usually shows when with a lack of understanding, ignorance in other words. Until a couple year ago, the relationship with my father was very distant and broken due to misunderstanding, largely by me in retrospect. If you’re close to me or life has compelled me to open to you, you might know how God has turned a new leaf within me. 

My change of heart wasn’t just a transformation of faith but a newly formed relationship with my dad. A relationship that is now grounded in faith, understanding, and listening. 

Back in 2011, University of Maryland quoted 19th-century writer/philosopher Henry David Thoreau and asked its college applicants, “What’s your something?” What’s your purpose in life? 

In ignorance fueled by blinded bitterness and angst, I stated that everyone can be a father but not everyone can be a Dad. A long 8 years ago, I wrote how my purpose in life is to become the man my father never was. The father he never was. The husband he never was. I wanted to give my children everything that I didn’t have growing up. I scorned my father and slandered his name. The passion I had but the knowledge I did not.

Since then, I’ve learned that forgiveness is a two-way street. After a rocky first year of college, God stirred something within me and compelled me to live with him in 2012. In that time, my father asked for forgiveness which I begrudgingly accepted. Living with him was hard and that relationship was never fully healed until 2014 or so.

At that time, Corey Matthews was a humble, soft-spoken manager at CarMax. We crossed paths because I worked here part-time while attending school. On a slow weekday night, we ended up candidly shared our life experiences and history. To my surprise, I found out he was also a professing Christian and we shared our testimonies. He would reveal to me that he also had a broken relationship with his father. That relationship never progressed until he asked for forgiveness. Not his father but COREY himself asked for forgiveness. He encouraged me to do the same, ask my father for forgiveness.

What?!?!

Me ask for forgiveness? Why? He’s the one that wronged me. He’s the one that wasn’t around. As I grew into my adolescence and teen years, I was envious of all the other dads I saw around in school and even at church. All those sports I played in high school, where was he?

Who taught me how to ride a bike?

Dribble a basketball?

Throw a baseball? I got onto Varsity HS baseball all by myself as a pitcher.

How about how to go on my first date?

How to drive stick? All ME…

If you’re a 90s baby, you’ll probably think fondly of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

In season four, there’s an iconic scene from the episode “Papa's Got a Brand New Excuse”.  

Will's father, Lou Smith, returns to his son's life after 14 years. Will is very happy about the chance to reconnect with his father, and the two start to plan a cross country trip together. Uncle Phil however, is not happy about the situation, believing that Lou has returned for his own selfish purposes and will most likely disappoint Will again. This proves to be true as Lou tries to leave again without telling anyone, and after building up his relationship with his son, but is caught by Phil. Lou is forced to explain the truth to Will and leaves, leaving Will heartbroken and wondering why his own father doesn't want him.

If you’re reading this, I highly recommend checking out the episode or at least the scene on YouTube. 

I even remember I got into a big argument with him in elementary school and I told him, “Why are you talking to me? Do you even know my favorite color? My favorite animal?” He quietly went away after my outburst. I knew what I was asking of him and knew he would be speechless. I was so young and so naïve… At times, little children can be more hurtful than adults. 

Corey challenged me to look within myself and ask where I fell short of perfection. All the time, no? Where I fell short as a son. Where I fell short as a sinner. In His 5th commandment, God called His people to honor your father and your mother. Corey challenged me to show grace because He showed us grace first. In 1 John 4:19 it says, we love because He loved us first.

My righteous justification slowly dissolved to humility at that moment because I realized Corey was right. Corey said with confidence that the relationship with my father would NEVER progress and reach full circle unless I ask him for forgiveness. I had sinned against my father in my bitterness, slander, and hatred and I needed to ask for forgiveness to both fathers, earthly and Heavenly. I did indeed ask him for forgiveness and there has been a 180 in our relationship.

Remember that statement I made in 2011? How my “something” in life is to be the man my father never was? 

After asking for forgiveness and softening my calloused heart, I quickly realized what my father had done in all those years. Those lost hours in my childhood was due to his selflessness rather than selfishness. He worked 10 to 12 hour days to put food on the table as the owner of a small dry cleaner while my mom came home at 2:00pm like clockwork to pick me up from school. Those experiences I missed out on? He dearly wished to share those with me but being a small business owner didn’t allow him too. The laundry list goes on with what he wished he had done but couldn’t due to circumstance. 

The beauty behind the turned leaf is how my something is now to be the man my father is. My purpose in life is to be like the man already was. He was never just a father. He was always my dad…

For those that are reading and have broken relationships with your fathers, I challenge you to look within yourself and see where you have fallen short. Grace and love go a long way and our Creator calls us to forgive. I’m not saying you should try to change 180 degrees overnight. My change was a gradual process that started with a changed mindset. A mindset that stemmed from open-mindedness and humility. I believe that if my calloused heart changed, with some dedication and perspective, yours can change too.

For those that are reading and do not have a father, whether they have been absent or no longer alive, know that you have a Heavenly father that desires to be present in your life. People in this life will always let you down but God never does. He is always present and always there. This God created you in His image and with a purpose for that reason. The Gospel presents a Father that gave his only Son, Jesus, to die for us sinners. Sinners that are undeserving of anything good and deserving of eternal condemnation because of the fall of Man. However, because of His love for his creation and his people and the sacrifice of His son, you are greeted with open arms and an eternal purpose if you believe this to be true.  Jesus paid the price through His blood and it as because of His unconditional love for us.

For those that are reading, have a present father, but you’ve been neglecting your Heavenly Father, I challenge you to reconnect with Him. Christianity is the only religion that emphasizes a true relationship with your God. I know I fall short every day and I tell myself I’ll do better. Some days I do and some days I don’t. If you can get into the cycle of self-loathing like I do at times, be reminded that God shows us love and grace so we should do the same for ourselves.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading and I really hope these words speak truth into you. My inbox is always open for a wholesome DM if you’re curious about the Christian faith. This is the Good News and this is the truth if you’ve been searching for answers your whole life with no luck.

Happy Father’s Day.

- Josh

06/16/2019

[j-hankim]

[j-hankim]

People are just as wonderful as sunsets if you let them be. When I look at a sunset, I don’t find myself saying, “Soften the orange a bit on the right hand corner.” I don’t try to control a sunset. I watch with awe as it unfolds. - Carl R. Rogers

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you promised me the chocolate moon and salted caramel pretzels, you promised me shark teeth and oil paintings, I knew you wanted to write like your skin was on fire and you had gasoline burning holes in between your wrists and elbows, you said I belonged in poetry books, said I reminded you of hot honey and perfume that tasted of champagne and organic bleach, you promised me the ocean, said when you touched me you knew the difference between being alive and being a lie, you said I was sea weed and lavender crystals, you said I was everything you ever needed, but nothing you ever wanted

wet batteries and electric lipstick (via irynka)