jaynnie-jane

[jaynnie-jane]

I was on a bus and a girl (maybe 19) sat across from me, wearing sandals with her big toe bleeding slightly. I looked up, caught her eye smiled with a thoughtful look that conveyed "hold on a second". I took out two bandaids, tore one off and handed it to her wordlessly. She smiled, without surprise and got to bandaging her toe. I eventually felt weird about how completely normal the exchange had felt and apologised for not having a tissue for her too.

Now, looking back I wish I had been able to bask in how normal that connection was, as if she were my little sister and I was supposed to do exactly that.

(if you are reading this, where did you get your pants?)

literally no better feeling than blurting out some loud dumbass joke with your buddies and hearing a total stranger ugly-snort-laugh as they walk past bc their own laughter caught them by surprise. find joy and connection in the spontaneity of strangers you son of a bitch. i fucking got your ass

[jaynnie-jane]

This morning I was in weird state. I wanted to build in the Sims but I didn't want to? I finally realised that I wanted to be creative and I wanted to have the feeling of completing something AND I was feeling shame and guilt for playing video games. I was feeling emotional and stressed so I wrote down a couple of potential next steps. The one I decided on was going outside and listening to a Tara Brach meditation. It was extremely helpful.

The next video that auto played had a simple one liner in it "How you live today is how you live your life" and it got me thinking: what is my perfect day?

So, still sitting outside, still feeling that calm feeling of in between-ness from meditating (maybe I should write about that feeling at some point) I wrote the following

And I know, had I still been in the emotional state I was before, I would have included time to 'tune out' and or gaming.

It's strange to me that when I asked myself "what do I want my life to look like" it looked a tad different to what my "perfect day" is.

I am working on being intentional. In everything. Now I am going to go do some stretching and pole dance.

#mental health #depression #meditation #adhd

[jaynnie-jane]

I often feel like meditation, or at least learning the basics of it are over complicated by the general perception of meditation being informed by spiritual leaders that are able to "clear their mind completely".

The very basics of how they're able to do that is often skipped because folk feel overwhelmed by the task or afraid of the idea of being left to their own internal dialogue.

At its core meditation can be simplified down to paying attention to the present moment without judgement. It is allowing yourself to be curious about the present moment and to consciously notice that moment. It absolutely can use internal commentary to help increase the attention to that moment, as long as the commentary doesn't simplify the experience down to a streamlined inference, judgement or perception.

For example: there is a cold sensation that occupies the upper, outer edge of my perception of self, it is inside of me, feels like part of me. Inside that area there is a feeling of inward movement, resistance or pressure. This feeling seems to be more intense on the left side. There is a coldness on the left side that stretches further upward and out on the very edge of 'self' it is still inside me but only barely. Abruptly the pressure/resistance/movement feeling stops and the coldness subsides slightly. Then, the feeling of movement is reversed. The pressure and resistance resume and it feels like the deeper space inside, is filling up or pushing out. The cold feeling to my diminishes further to the point where it is not noticeable. I can feel a light pressure that is external to me, that pushes into the space just below where the cold feeling was.

This is a very different and more complex observation of self when compared to "I breathe through my nose".

Simply googling "how to meditate" I get a bunch of articles that say "pay attention to your breath". But how do we force attention onto something that doesn't NEED it?

Curiosity.

It is natural and healthy to quickly and unconsciously perceive our present moment. For example, when not paying any attention my brain perceives "I have a slight headache on the left". It is the curiosity, the why, how, what, when and where that helps break down each fast perception. Why does that area hurt? Oh because the air is cold. How do I know that? What is it that I am feeling, where am I feeling it, when does the feeling happen?

Being curious about things we take for granted is difficult. We only survive because the sensations of breathing (for most of us) tend to exist outside of our awareness. If we were constantly aware of every little thing we experience, we would be exhausted, overwhelmed and would struggle with (if not be incapable of) higher level thinking.

Meditation is just paying attention to whatever is in that present moment, without judgements or pre-conceptions and choosing to come back to it each time we get distracted.

#meditation #wellness

[jaynnie-jane]

This blog is changing.

A few weeks back I had a series of days that were INCREDIBLY dark. They were not truly triggered by a single event, it was more as if it was an explosive bubble of depression that I had been trying to control or make smaller suddenly exploded totally outside my control. Unlike the other times in the last 12 months where something similar has happened, where I would always try to "put on a brave face" for those around me, more often than not I just gave into it. For the better part of three entire days I rapidly swung between an intense and physically painful sadness and nothing. Such heavy dissociation that I completely lost six consecutive hours on one day. Such heavy dissociation that, despite having everything journaled I now have very little recollection of those days. I do however know and remember very clearly, the calmness of planning the end, rather than just fantasizing about it. (for anyone that has been triggered by that, I am so sorry. I do not include TW because there's significant evidence based research that shows including a TW actually increases physical and psychological signs of distress. I wish I had words that could help with what you might be experiencing right now, but I know when I am there, there's nothing anyone can say to me that is helpful. A shock to the system is usually what helps me. so, I dunno, go flail your arms and or legs around and jump up and down on the spot for 10 seconds.) Since then I have still been more reactive and defensive than I would like, there is still something not quite right in my brain, there's still more trauma there than I have ever allowed myself to believe. HOWEVER. I know enough and BELIEVE enough in the power of the mind to change things. I have been trying to use this to my advantage but, on really difficult days it's a lot harder to do it without some external help. I know what works for me and that is to focus on the positives (though, I have learned that when in a relationship with someone else it's REALLY important to be clear about where I ACTUALLY am and to be very clear about what I am trying to do when focusing on and vocalising the positives and the hope and to be even MORE clear about particular boundaries that should never be pushed by a family member or friend). And when I say focus on the positives, I do not mean, in any way to just ignore the bad stuff, to not address the bad stuff. What I mean is that when shit happens, because it does, I need to refocus just as much on feeling and experiencing the not so bad. So, for every negative thing I write here, I am training myself to find at least three things around the same issue or scenario that are positives (I believe I am actually supposed to find four to try to counter the natural negativity bias but I am creating a realistic goal that does not overwhelm). I will also be writing by hand a lot more and uploading pictures simply because when we write by hand, our brains respond differently. So, a big thank you to everyone that has left a like, a comment or has reached out. Even though it may not seem I realise, I do. I see you there more than you know and I am incredibly grateful. You have helped this last year feel a lot less alone.

[jaynnie-jane]

Yesterday feels like a life time ago. Think through my triggers. do something other than fixate on the void. I was feeling okayish until I went upstairs. re-triggered. Don't run, don't fill our head with words lamenting, rationalising that I must not be worth, why else would they refuse to help? Why else would they refuse to listen. understand and feel. Don't think about them or the actions, just feel. Dismayed that the void is back Tired of fighting it Resentful and disgusted by being told to "try harder"

Lonely, neglected that I have to carry it alone ____The universe interrupts this program: Just as I was thinking that last line I had the need to pick up my phone and send a little message to remind Josh that he is loved. AS I was typing it he sent me one. I know that when I am depressed I look for signs but that to me -felt- almost as strong as that night in Sydney when I was as low as I had ever been and a group of strangers tumbled out of an uber at my feet and swept me into their celebrations (one just got a promotion). As I was walking home from those celebrations I bumped into my old neighbour... ____

never alone, never TRULY alone. We all really are connected in weird ways and for now I am taking that simple sign to mean something. Here for a reason, I may not like it but I am here and I need to stay. I really should book that appointment with a tarot reader. awe-struck, determined, anxious (when will the hopelessness come back)... Focus on the space I want to go but don't ignore where I am. awe-struck, determined. I'm gonna go lift a pole above my head 10 times. EDIT: the universe nudged me twice, when I couldn't hear it the first time, it made me hear the second.

[jaynnie-jane]

sad gril.

[jaynnie-jane]

Therapists wonder why I hide how I am feeling.

Not only does being honest about my struggle not change or help me in any way, it often makes my situation significantly worse because then I have to deal with my mothers guilt for "failing as a mother" which comes out as ...disdain for my need for external help.

I always find it interesting that she is totally capable of showing her friends the compassion she seems incapable of showing her own family.

...except my brother... even when he is making my sister in laws life more difficult, mum usually sides with him.

Getting a lot of frustration from the people closest with very little offer of effective support.

Days like this I wish it were cancer.

Now I need to go pretend that I am totally fine and happy while I get myself some food, coz that's real fucking healthy for my brain 🫠

Move out or move back to sydney? I feel like I will regret moving back and saying goodbye to repairing things with Josh but, will I ever be the person he wants me to be?

[jaynnie-jane]

Fuck yeah! Feeling real fucking welcome and supported right now.

Nice to know that not only does my mother think I shouldn't bother with seeking professional help and instead "just face your fear" that also, when I am super depressed (and suicidal in a very scary active way, rather than just fantasizing) that it's often just too hard for her to deal with. To hard for her to deal with for the total 10 minutes a day that she might see me.

Is it really so terribly wrong of me to ask the people that are supposed to care about me the most, for financial assistance to help me get to a point where I don't need financial assistance???

[jaynnie-jane]

I am currently running away from the (potentially re-) realisation that I am afraid to feel sad around my partner because my sadness was so frequently met with defensiveness and hostility growing up.

Just, yeah, looking back... Mum would be defensive and would minimise because she felt guilty 😔

And Dad.. well, he wasn't really there? Which, also not ideal.

[jaynnie-jane]

After yesterday, I am feeling okay today. Just really afraid.

[jaynnie-jane]

I want to have that interaction engraved on my skin. to remind me it's not my partners fault I have trauma.

I went upstairs to get some food, in tears and silent. My parents are home and I have had zero bad or tense interactions with them for... MONTHS, and last time I remember telling mum off (for being overly critical of my clothing) was years ago.. As I am crying silently, eyes so puffy it's painful the response I got was "Are you angry with us for some reason?" to which I responded "no, no just feel like shit". I am stunned. sure, I was struggling a bit last week but at no point was I crying in front of them, I barely talk about my issues with either of them, it's not as if I demanding attention or asking for help regularly (aside for asking dad to help with SOME of the cost of therapy as I have been REALLY struggling and it's getting unliveable). There was no "oh shit what's wrong?!". There was no follow up once mum determined I was not okay and it's not her fault. But it was the biggest kick in the teeth. Today I have felt unimportant and uncared for. Now I feel very guilty for thinking that regarding Josh. It's not his fault I find it difficult to ask for exactly what I want. It's not his fault I take any small hurt and try to process it away from his eyes so I don't bother him with it. I feel very grateful that he tries.

[jaynnie-jane]

i just want to rip my skin to pieces. i want to mutilate the outside so it matches the inside

heads fucked. i am so fucking alone in perth. i need people like tash in my life. i need to walk away from this semi relationship that feels like im being constantly traumatised in. i feel objectified. i feel like a fun toy that gets played with but only when he wants. but like, not a favourite toy that one would try to fix if it were accidently broken. more the type that someone couldn't bring themselves to throw away for sentimental reasons while also convincing themselves they don't actually need/want to play with it anymore, just because it's broken.

meanwhile i am trying to do everything i can, with the resources i have to just have a few days here and there that i dont want to die. im afraid of everything because i know i cant take the hurt. i cant take my own disappointment of not being able to work so i dont. i cant take the rejection i feel when those i ask for help say no, so i dont ask.

it's my own fault. i ignored the warnings. i fell for the trauma. hope? pride? sunk cost fallacy? i know i didn't walk away a year ago because i hated myself so much.

throw a ball back she said

[jaynnie-jane]

Two good days. That's all I got.

Two days of not feeling sad, hopeless and worthless.

I had two glorious days of feeling good and capable.

What a fucking tease.

[jaynnie-jane]

My soul hurts.

My chest keeps shifting between feeling like theres a massive empty cavern inside that's unfillable and it feels uncomfortably light, as if my heart is just a space inside me that is full of a clear blue sky. Endless and empty.

It slowly shifts into a maelstrom of something dark and infinitely heavy. It's like the feeling I get when I look into the void in Minecraft, weirdly claustrophobic as if the darkness is invading into my being while simultaneously being very aware that infront of me is an endless nothing I could fall into and never land. That swirly dark maelstrom is made of that feeling, it doesn't cause that feeling but it's made of it and it creates this heavy blackness that is impossible to hold as it has no physical form, only mass.

And while those two keep shifting between each other, forever pushing on my ribcage from inside, a steady force slowly cracks my ribs inward from outside. Like a tangle of gold rope dropped or discarded from the world presses against my chest with some unseen force. The ropes seem to twist and churn against me, like a snake curling into itself. Forever seeming to flow toward me but never increasing in size or weight.

150mg of seroquel (my standard is 50) and I'm finally calming down.

I'm hurting and exhausted and not okay.

Every now and then I am terrified that he triggered a dormant bipolar gene. Coz I don't think I could ever forgive him.

If this brokenness isn't fixable I know I would blame him forever.

[jaynnie-jane]

I really hoped and thought I would be getting better by now. Not feeling like I am worse.

My brains fucked.

[jaynnie-jane]

-written a few nights ago but failed to post-

The guilt for existing is strong tonight.

The guilt for all my doubt these last 12 months.

The shame of who I was, who I am.

My heart hurts but not because someone else has mistreated me.

My heart hurts because I hate this bundle of fear that I have become, again.

It's times like these I crave walking Sydney CBD at 3am.

I really hope that I did forget to take my slow release seroquel and not that I'm still feeling like this with twice my normal dose in my system.

I wish I could get drunk and just chill for a bit.

Or get high and feel good for longer than a couple of hours.

Fuck I could really go for that feeling of content and peace that MDMA brings.

Or the perceptual interrupt of shrooms. To not have that little voice in my head that keeps telling me I'm a piece of shit.

The curse of knowledge of how those two drugs interact with my medication. And being so, so afraid that something might go wrong.

While simultaneously wishing something outside my own control would go wrong and temporarily debilitate me in a way that's obvious.

I just, I just need a rest.

[jaynnie-jane]

I have been REALLY struggling with gratitude for the past 15 months. Like, noticeably. It has been frustrationg me becauae I know it was something that has really helped me. Losing that ability that I was reliant on to get me through stuff has had a massively negative impact.

It was like, I was struggling a bit with it October/November 2022 but not an alarming amount.

Then by Feb 2023 I don't actually think I REALLY felt it the way I used to.

I have still been massively struggling with -feeling- it. So I know, that the normal me would be grateful and I would do my best to behave that way but it's definitely a feeling that has largely not been felt in the ways that is helpful or restorative like it used to be for me.

Today I stumbled upon feeling lucky.

Now, I may not be able to feel gratitude the way I want to at the moment (which makes noticing those moments of joy that much more difficult) but I definitely still feel lucky.

I have been trying to cultivate that gratitude feeling and wield it at shit that feels so fucking unfair and it doesn't work. I have, more or less forgotten what that type of gratitude feels like.

I have just written out a few things that I genuinely feel lucky for, even if when I try to feel the gratitude for the dame thing it's kinda like a an optical illusion of an object that you think is convex but it's actually concave and the weird feeling I always experience seeing them... like.. I see it there and I think I can reach out and touch it but if I try I am met with emptiness.

I dunno if it's a medication thing or a depression thing or a me trying to behave like normal Jaynnie, when I am really not but yeah, gratitude and appreciation have been SUPER difficult for me to feel consistently and the small amounts I do get are often with a weird hollowness.

Luck on the other hand, seems to tingle the brain. Even when I whack a shitty situation with the luck rod, it still vibrates and I get the feeling of being lucky.

So for anyone out there that is trying to do things they normally do and it ends up tasting somewhat like ash in your mouth, rather than the enjoyment you might usually get, I suggest having a play around with boosting other positive feelings in a similar way.

Today, I wanted to do some pole but it just wasnt happening- I needed that boost of accomplishment. So I whacked it with my luck stick and felt positively about how lucky I am that I have a pole at home and I can, at any point in time just jump on and do a couple of really small things.

I felt lucky that I don't have to hand wash my dishes (dishwasher).

I felt lucky to live in a house that has a good fridge.

Both two things that I got that hollow gratitude feeling from.

I hope you all find a little luck today 💜