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I just had a family vacation, and it’s without its ups and downs. But, I came out with it realizing, my cousin is probably my best friend, and that was never supposed to be the case. Even when she was a baby, I thought she was a cool baby. But, she was always I mean baby, that would hit me, and gravitate towards my female cousins and my sister. One of the most triggering moments embedded in my mind, was while playing my ps2 with my family, my cousin and her brother turned my bed into a slide. I would watch as no other person would discipline her. As she got older, I kind of just ignored her. The backstory is, the girl I messed up with lives in North Carolina, and my cousin knows this story. And the story of the girl I loved, and how I messed it up with her, bothers me to this day I’ll never know why my cousin decided to vent to me. My cousin told me a story that would probably forever make me care about her more. Her story is somewhat similar to the girl I loved, and I just feel the need to redeem myself and make sure she’s protected. While on vacation with my cousin, we talked about the girl from North Carolina…and her unusual long toes. This led to a conversation where my cousin said she had the exact same toes. Even though, this triggered me, so much, it was kind of cathartic, since my cousin knows I still miss that girl so much. It was so odd for us to both look at her toes, compare the lengths to the girl I loved, as well as Jenna Ortega’s. But we even looked at different foot types, and, well, once again, because this time of my cousin’s toes, maybe I realize I overreacted to the girl from North Carolina’s feet. My cousin would continue to trigger me by placing her legs on mine, making me see her feet. Kicking my leg with her barefoot triggering me once again. And the last thing was walking barefoot and she told me “I feel all the crumbs.” Just when I thought it could not get any weirded, my cousin on the way back would start playing “this little piggy” with her toes and start saying stuff like “this little piggy went to Disney” “this little piggy when to universal” she’d also name the toes after characters and continue to wiggle her toes. She would later name the toes after her family members , and said I’m the toe that’s “stuck in the middle” (like Jenna Ortega’s Disney show) the last thing she did was flash the sole of her foot to me, and it just freaked me out to see her feet that close. Despite the weirdness of all the feet stuff, my cousin was 100% there for me on this vacation, and I really couldn’t do it without her. To me, the one thing that stood out was a comment she said, that was so sly, I wouldn’t have thought anything of it. I was very close to missing her birthday, and I basically had to make deals to make sure I was there. She later told me she would have been mad if I didn’t show up. It just made me think, I’ve always felt irrelevant to the family, or not important. Like I’d rather be on my own. Coming out this trip, I want to hang out with my cousin more, like she is weird, but she’s hella cool, and I’ve always said “friends over family.” But I felt happier just chilling with my cousin than with my actual friends. I think one of the main things is, I lost my friendship with the girl from North Carolina, and I’ve always been hurt about it. The fact that I sort of see my cousin in a similar light, I feel I have to protect her from any bad stuff. Cause at this point, I don’t want to lose contact with my cousin either. It’s just weird in my mind, the girl from North Carolina, I was in love with, and losing her friendship hurt me badly, even if it was all my fault. I don’t even really talk about love, not even family love, but in my mind I feel like if I could make sure my cousin is always good, i could feel better about losing the love of my life. There is that part of me that is upset, that no matter what, feet will seem to randomly be talked about to me. I will now post the feet of the girl from North Carolina that has somehow really impacted my life
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I think I need a social media blackout, or just a break. I feel overwhelmed. Jenna Ortega has always been a comfort person. But, what I always manifested and hope would happen, has kind of backfired on me. I’m happy with how famous Jenna has gotten. But, what I don’t like is now how everyone knows about her. And more people like her now. And it feels weird how so many people criticized me, to now they understand what I saw in her. And it’s not just people, it’s the whole internet that is now raving about her, when she’s been great since 2016. I’m overwhelmed with content. I’m in a weird place, cause for the first time, in a long time, I can say I’m at peace with the girl from North Carolina. I have not thought about her as much since “Wednesday” debuted. I do fully believe, in my heart I will meet the girl of my dream: , Jenna Ortega one day. But, I feel like I just need to find a way to just stay off social media for awhile. Jenna has gotten so popular that I feel like I now have a better shot with Olivia. I don’t know what’s worse, still kissing the girl from North Carolina, or this suffocating love for Jenna Ortega, that now others may similarly have. I see now how powerful manifestation is, but I only say what I truly believe. I believed Jenna would eventually become a superstar. I believe I will eventually meet her.
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Jenna Marie Ortega is the absolute girl of my dreams. I’m simply in love with her. And I hope to one day meet her. My love for her, is something out of, getting over the pain of failure, rejection, death and 2020. This goes back to 2017. I moved out my house, and I was kind of hurt, and lonely leaving. Mostly cause of my dog, I missed him like crazy. When I moved, I was bored and would watch tv, and Stuck in the Middle would be on, and I’d watch it. At the time I thought Jenna Ortega was really ugly, but I liked the show and started to watch it. 2019 comes along and “You” season 2 comes out, and Jenna Ortega is in it. At this point I develop a huge crush on her. While working in Pa, they would constantly leave “You” on, and Jenna became someone that I started to find comfort with. 2020 comes along, and dealing with Kobe’s death, the love of my life being pregnant, and my dog dying, was the roughest year I ever endured. The Babbysitter : killer Queen comes out, and I see Jenna Ortega again. I just fall in love with her. I had also bought her book “it’s all love” earlier in the year, cause I liked the idea of it. Now, 2022, comes along and with all her content in Scream, the Fallout, X, and Wednesday, I am in love with her more than ever, as well as most of the other public. I also went to new York’s comic con to try and see her, and I did. It kind of sucks that now the whole world knows who Jenna is, but it’s great for content. And now people, see what I’ve always seen in her. But, the truth is, my obsession and live for Jenna, is just to hide the pain I’ve endured. And Jenna makes me feel so happy and safe. She’s literally so beautiful, and I just enjoy all aspects of her. I wish I could let Jenna know how I feel about her. But, it’s basically, all the content she does is enjoyable, and it just makes me less sad of what has left my life, including the love of my life being pregnant. Jenna’s positive energy, and her charming personally gives me true hope I can never feel depressed, as long as Jenna is there putting on content. She really is a comfort person.
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It sucks that the girl from North Carolina is the girl of my dreams. I always have to live with the fact I did her wrong, and blew my shit with her. I’m at a place where it’s not as bad, but I still think about it daily. And I feel so uncomfortable expressing how I feel. She was the one that, helped me with that. And I don’t want to bother people with it. I feel like Im all I have. The thing that helps me a lot, is a comfort celebrity, which is now Jenna Ortega. I love Jenna Ortega Weill all my heart. It’s because her content was always there for me, when I needed tit. When I first left my house in 2017, I randomly watched “stuck in the middle” for some reason. In 2019, I watched her in “You.” In 2020c my most painful year, Kobe died, girl from North Carolina got pregnant, girl I liked got a bf, and my dog died. The day the girl from North Carolina got pregnant, I watched “stuck in the middle” and it helped a bit. In 2022, I’ve watched “Scream”, “The Fallout” “Studio 66 “x” & “American Carriage” there are few bright spots in my life, and Jenna Ortega content, it literally keeps me going. I have some really bad confidence issues, but Jenna Ortega..She really makes me hate life less. It really is hard to explain to friends and family why I’m like this. But, it really is, I don’t think I’ll ever forgive or forget the girl from North Carolina, and the pain hurts still as much as my dog dying. I’ve leaned to accept death, as much as that still hurts. But I’m still hurting that I missed my shot with North Carolina
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I still miss this girl like crazy from 2015-2016 . I think about crushes ive had on others, and she’s the only one I feel was real. I miss her. Other than my dog, there’s no one I miss more than her.I can’t explain the hurt, that I’m still blocked on ig and snap. I’ve been trying to talk to her through Facebook, and she responds. I wanna be able to talk to her again. I think what makes me still miss and love her, is she was nice to me. She never really picked on me, or made fun of me. She may have want attention, but she was nice to me. I’ll never forget that she didn’t call me a “creep or weird” I just feel realy alone at times, and sometimes it still gets to me. I’m able to own a ps5, o get the sneakers I want, I’ve done stuff to distract me. I have a lot of celebrity crushes. But, there’s something about her, that I miss.I just remember my friends (her ex) used to always try and get me to admit to something I’ve never told her. I love her. I’ve told other fields before I love them, either real or friendly way. But, with her, I never wanted to admit. I dunno why. I really look at her, and see she’s chubby, but I miss her personality, her voice, her face, her eyes, her double chin, I miss her hairless arms, I miss her cute chubby body. I miss her long toes. I can’t tell you how weird it is, that I have feet pics of her, and she knows it, but she just kinda teased me, never called it weird. I used her feet as something I post, when I feel offended. Her feet are meme worthy. It also hurts, when I use it, cause it reminds me of her. My friend has been using the pci against me. It feels wrong cause she sent it to me, and I feel weird using it now, but I dunno, I just kinda felt unique she sent it to me. She made me feel comfortabl. I made her cry so many times I feel horrible. The fact that she’s a mom now, in another state, it hurts. I’ve tried to move on from her, but deep down I think it’s my hatred for my own self that stops me. I’ve gotten over crushed before, people I didn’t think I’d get over. But, from the minute I saw this girl, I just liked her. I only worked with her for 11 drama filled months. I hung out with her twice in 2017, got too nervous to see her in 2018. The pain still lingers
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I just had the oddest dream, I was with Galaxy(I think) and someone was talking shit to her, and I had to hold her back from fighting, and while I was holding her, I stattted to eventually kiss her and that led to me I dunno why, but she came. I was ready to stick it in, but I was waiting for her permission. I was gona try again, but I woke
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Bullying
I can say all my life I’ve dealt with bullying. Mostly with Jokes. Dealt with it in middle school, and it continues to this day. The one way I earned to deal with it, was to make people laugh. But, there are jokes I still remember to this day. And with my closest friends I remember all the jokes, I just learned to deal with it. So many joes have bothered me over the years. I just kinda slowly distant myself. Bullying just makes yiu feel worse, and since I hated myself to begin with, it gets ugly fast.I always think bullying is like a running back taking hits, eventually, it’ll catch up. Also, when I roast people, or even talk about people, it may come off as harsh, cause I’ve been used to some really messed up things joked about me, so I just get used to it. It does suck have no one to talk to about this. I’d rather just deal on my own, cause I hate being judged .
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Forever alone
It’s tuff being a 30 year old virgin, never being kissed nonetheless. It kind of just happens, you always hope that it’ll get better, but it just doesn’t happen. Admittedly, there have been times where I coulda kissed someone, and maybe other things, but my mind just gets so negative, I choke. The inner pressure I put on myself, to make sure I have to be perfect is nerve wracking. It’s not normal to be this unlove for this long. I wish it could turn around, but I just really don’t see it happening, id rather just keep to myself than to continue trying. I haven’t told people about tjis, since it’s too embarrassing. People know of things, but not to the other stuff. Deep down inside, I can say I hate myself, so it’s hard to actually find someone to like me when I can’t stand myself.
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October 26
Today is Galaxy’s birthday. I miss her. I’ve been going through a lot of emotions. I’m able to sort of control it, but constant pain is, my dog dying, Kobe dying, and Galaxy being a single mom. I don’t feel like telling people how I feel. Is I just kinda keep to myself. I feel alone. I started to watch goosebumps the movie, and it’s a movie that surprisingly has me emotional. It came out in 2015 and I always remember it being the movie or old Galaxy I saw. It has a love story, and the hannah vibes, with Dylan minnete just give me 13 reasons why vibes.
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Frustrations
I am just annoyed with everything and I don’t see a way to calm down anymore. I’m just pissed about 2020. My dog dying still hurts. I still have nightmares of that day he got put down. I randomly think about him. And it hurts, he was like the only few people I trusted. Cause humans be pissing me off. I’m hurt that Galaxy is a single mom. I miss her so much and regret how I treated her. I always think about it. I’m hurt by the Kobe death. Ive put on weight, so now everyone has jokes. I have to deal with being stupid, ugly, not being Loved by anyone, and now I got to deal with fat jokes. People just annoy me, any little thing, like I’m just super annoyed. I’m annoyed now people disrespect in basketball, and all my shots are “luck” before people usally say I’m “ass” it’s like I can’t win with people.Andrea having a boyfriend still hurts. She made it seem like she was a real friend. But, flirting with matt constantly, and then to see her with her actual bf. I’m hurt. I just don’t trust people, I’m about to just isolate myself. Taking Ls on snkrs is also growing really frustrating, since I’ve never won. It really is makes me feel like a loser. To top it all off, the sneakers I just bought got lsot by ups. And I feel like I’m not going to get the shoes or my money. I just feel in a hopeless state, that no one can help me out of. I don’t have anyone to talk to. I don’t trust people. I just hate myself so much that, I feel like I don’t deserve this life. I feel like someone else coulda done a better job.
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Dreams
I dunno why I just had a dream about Andrea. It was so random. I was with her, her friend, & 2 randoms I’ve never seen before. I remember the weirdest thing was she was wearing sandals(which she doesn’t wear) and she was wiggling her toes at me and they where unpolished. This was wowed cause I remember telling her her white toes didn’t trigger me like those of Galaxy and her notorious white toes. It’s just weird cause I know I’m in love with Andrea right now, and I dunno whatv happens next since she has boyfriend. At 30 years old, this still happens to me.
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Far from home
It’s weird I’m still hurt from the pregnancy from North Carolina. I’m happy for her, and wish her rnothifn but the best. Hate I’m still blocked. But, reconnecting with my friend again, it feels odd. I have really strong feelings for her. Like I’ve had crushes before. But, with Andrea I do feel like I’m in love with her. And I don’t want that. I think she still has a boyfriend. So many other guys still like her. And I feel like she likes the other guys more than me. But, I did open up to her more. & the fact that she wants me as a friend, and wants to create memories that’s how I’ve felt I just don’t say it. I’ve been crushing on her for awhile. And all the feelings went away when I learned about her boyfriend. I took an edible at work cause I’d don’t wanna hear her talk about her boyfriend. I just wanted to ignore it. Now, that I think about it pretty sure Matt has all the info, and she probably talks to him about ahmed. And he’s trying to get with her too. It feels like 2015-2016. The last time I made a real run. I guess this 2019-2020 is the equivalent. Back in 2015, I was doing everything in my power to get with the girl form North Carolina. And lost to Michael. I’ve always felt betrayed but I knew she liked him more. It always did hurt when she was one of the few girls that gave me a chance. Andrea is so nice, and that niceness throws me off. I’d rather her be an asshoel. I see how she acts with the other guys she “likes” and she’s mostly nice to me. I’m in that tuff spot of wanting her, or needing her as a friend. My friendship with andrea is like that of Peter & MJ In far from home. I’m always trying to scheme to get alone time with her. But, there’s always an obstacle. I just wish she could love me, but I just always feel like she’ll say “oh, you deserve better.”
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Ghost
I learned this first from Kyrie. And also Le’veon Bell. When things are not going my way I looke to distant myself or just leave. Usually what happens is, when there’s a girl I have strong feelings for, I’ll here something that deflates me, or I feel like I won’t get the attention I want. When this happens, I tend to be quiet. My mind just wishes I’d get the attention I want Talking to Andrea she checks all the marks on someone I really like, it jsut sucks that eve I’ve loved her, and I know I can not compete. It hurts tok now I can’t pull it off. But other guys can. When these things happen, I just gotta not talk, let it process. I just at tiems can really hate myself. What I’ve startedto get a feeling is..I’m dying alone. And there’s only a hand full of people that care about me. I just don’t feel the love. Maybe a few do, like andrea, but as I get closer I don’t trust her. It sucks. I think she’s really one of the better people I’ve met. Deep down I know I have to learn to love myself..but I hate myself. I just can’t control the negative thoughts at time. It’s never to the point of suicide, but it is enough to hate myself I just wish I could be happier and think better, but I just hate myself so much, that it’s hard to trust anyone.
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Friends
Looking back, I can’t lie I actually hate my friends. And it’s been years, but it’s always been in the back of my mind how much I hate my friends. I am just constantly made fun of, every single time. & it just annoys me. They just make memes about me.!just pictures and pictures of me. People wonder why my self esteem is so low. Why my confidence is low. It’s cause my friends all they did was make fun of me the whole time. I’m just used to people always making fun of me. So much so it’s hard to believe what anyone says.i feel like my whole life I’ve been bullied. And there’s nothing I can do to change that. It’s a hopeless feeling. I feel like a running back taking hits dealing with my friends. I feel like it’s taken a toll on me. It makes me greatful for galaxy, she was an asshoel as well. But, I saw her for what she is. She was caring. I could never accept that. I miss her.
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Let it snow
There’s been one movie that I’ve rewatched over and over again, cause it has a happy ending and almost no conflict. The last movie I watched over and over was Atl. I may have to start watching both movies over and over. Cause they both make me feel so good. And it’s one of the few movies I won’t daydream about my heartbreak. I just felll in love with isabela Merced. She is just so pretty. Also love her personality. I need to find more movies that just keep me happy.
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13 reasons why season 4
13 reasons why is, a show that somehow has always been there for me the last 4 years. In 2017, I left my house and the first thing I watched to feel at home was 13 reasons why. I was in a dark place, darker than most knew, and watching the show made me, feel better in a way.i watched the show thinking Hannah was my ally. It took until I watched season 2 that I know who my Hannah really was. Season 2 with the “back to you” selena gomez song made me realize. It was galaxy who I was still in love with the whole time. And rewatching season 1 hurt more. Finding a girl, that you could never have, dropping hints for you, but being too scared to make a move.saying the wrong things too many times to count. I really am clay Jenson. I tried to do what clay did and let the girl I love go. Season 4 and clay still realizes the root of all this is still Hannah. I watched seasons 4, a week before the girl I’m still in love with, I was shown she’s pregnant. I am very happy for her, I care for her, but since i am blocked it hurt. That now, more than ever I have no shot. I miss her, I miss her friendship. I miss her voice, her personality, the few hugs we had. I miss her double chin, I miss her long toes. I miss all of her. She was the realest friend I ever had. She liked to mess with me when I first met her. But, when I saw her when she came back, she was so nice to me, I was always waiting for her to make fun of me. She never did. I live with the guilt that I wasn’t there for her enough. I am really depressed over this girl. I’m done so many things to her, to make her feel awful. I try not to tell people how dark my thoughts are. I feel like clay or any person with a mental illness. I don’t feel understood. I feel very alone. And deep down, I had a shot at love with galaxy, she was the one. I don’t think anyone will ever be able to match her. I will proably be alone, forever. If there’s anything I learned from galaxy, it’s that I have to build my confidence up. Clay has moved on. I need something to distant myself. Cause I’m still in love with my Hannah baker. I want someone to help me, but I can’t even help myself
#friendzone#love#crush#heartbreak#crushes#bestfriends#13 reasons why#clay jensen#hannah baker#depression#hurt#the night we met#the way life goes#the one that got away
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Pain 2020
Just got the news that I’ve always felt was coming. The girl that blocked me is pregnant by another man. It hurts cause I knew I had a real shot with her, and I choked it all away. That girl was real with me, but I was bothered by so many other stuff I was always nervous around her. I am happy for her. It just hurts me so much I blew my shot with her...I got the news and felt numb. But, I just have so many emotions. It hurts.i have things that can distract me..but deep down I still feel the pain.
#friendzone#love#heartbreak#crush#failure#pain 1993#pregnant#pregnancy#the one that got away#the way life goes#that should be me#hello from the other side#marvin’s roo
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