joandaro

[joandaro]

Montaron: Xzar? Xzar, is that you?

Xzar: Yes! Monty, it’s me!

(Montaron tries to throw knives at Xzar multiple times and misses)

Xzar: I have missed you so much! It has been so long! Did you miss me?

Montaron: Fuck! I missed him!

Xzar: I knew you did!

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Sarevok: We make a good team. You can't beat history.

Charname: Our history sucks. We have pain and death. Screw our history.

[joandaro]

Cop: You’re receiving a ticket for having three people on one horse.

Neera: Shit.

Nalia: Wait, three?

Cop: Yeah?

Charname: OH GODS IMOEN FELL OFF!!!

[joandaro]

Dorn: There are literally no rules saying your New Year’s resolutions can’t be for evil.

[joandaro]

Aerie: Why are you so horrible?

Viconia: I'm not. I'm that first sip of a fine wine that you have not yet learned to appreciate.

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Dynaheir: WHY. Why did thou give Edwin a KNIFE!?

Charname: He said he felt unsafe!

Dynaheir: Now I feel unsafe!

Charname: I’m sorry.

Charname: …Would you like a knife?

[joandaro]

裹裹

[joandaro]

omfg

Dorn: What’s the most dangerous thing you’ve ever done? Loiter outside the Adventure Mart? Shoplift some bubble gum?

Nalia: Hey, loitering is a perfectly respectable crime that can be very dangerous!

Dorn: What? How? No it can’t. How?

Nalia: …

Nalia: You could do it in front of a rampaging Tarrasque?

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me

[joandaro]

seriously i mean really 

The existence of Imoen in the Baldur’s Gate series is one of my favourite stories of game dev fuckery because she literally wasn’t even supposed to be in the game, and the whole reason she was added at the last possible minute is because the devs realised “hey, a lot of these early game challenges assume that the player has access to thief skills, but you don’t actually have to play as a thief, and the only recruitable thief NPC in the front half of the game is a chaotic evil jerk who will murder your other party members”, and then somebody said “well, what if we add a thief NPC to the starting area, and make her a cute girl with major childhood-friend-who’s-kind-of-into-you vibes so that everyone will recruit her?” – so they did and it fucking worked.

[joandaro]

:(

[joandaro]

Jan, grinning: Before you were what?

Dorn: Before I was-

Jan: What?

Dorn: Before I was inter-

Jan: Before you were interrupted?

Dorn: Cut me off one more time and I swear I’ll-

Jan: What?

Dorn: *makes frustrated sound*

Charname, nervously: Jan, stop that. Before he hurts you.

[joandaro]

*and he’s particularly proud about it

Charname: Where are you going?

Dorn: Hell, eventually.

[joandaro]

把我笑死对你们有什么好处

Imoen: In an effort to avoid supporting megacorporations, I shall now be posing questions directly to you all that I would have otherwise googled. Question one: If mayonnaise is just eggs and oil, why it creamy?

Ajantis: Because it’s also evil.

Imoen: Thanks! Have scientists figured out what dark matter is yet?

Neera: Yup! It’s anything that takes up space, has mass, and is goth.

Imoen: Wow! What happens if you eat 23 packages of peeps?

Xan, deadpan: You meet the gods.

Imoen: Thank goodness! What’s the correct way to eat a banana?

Minsc: Whole, in one gulp!

Imoen: Delicious! Who is the muffin man?

Khalid: F-f-father of the muffin boy.

Imoen: Makes sense! Why is my car making a ker-klunk noise?

Yeslick: Car’s haunted.

Imoen: Uh oh. How to fix a haunted car?

Dorn: Slam into a priest at a crosswalk going at least 40 miles per hour.

Imoen: It worked! Where does the wax in scented candles go?

Garrick: Into the sky, where it turns into stars.

Imoen: Cool! Why are weddings so damn expensive?

Jaheira: Priest has to pay for medical expenses related to a haunted car crashing into him.

Imoen: …Ah.

[joandaro]

Korgan: ARE YA-

Jan: Fucking.

Korgan: KIDDING ME!? YA-

Jan: Fucking.

Korgan: IDIOT!

Yoshimo: What was that?

Jan: Charname banned Korgan from swearing, so I’m helping him out.

[joandaro]

didnt actually get this one

Charname: Seriously, Dorn, how many people would you have killed if we’d asked you to?

Dorn: That’s not important.

Charname: I DISAGREE.

[joandaro]

打开汤不热收获今日黑卫笑话

Charname: If you got arrested what would be the charges?

Imoen: Theft.

Garrick: Disturbing the peace.

Shar-Teel: Aggravated assault.

Neera: Arson.

Dorn: All of the above. In that order, probably.