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what if I wanna be babied huh? what then?

#its hard being a butch

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the breakup really was the best thing I could've done for myself.

#i hate to say it but I'm so much better now in almost every way

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man getting put on antipsychotics really did numbers for my mental health

just looking back through my posts and realizing I haven't felt like that in .. a while. havent been this stable in a long time.

I feel like I'm less creative, ina. way, but it's still an improvement I think I'll take the creative blow. I can still do it, it just doesn't come as easily

#i havent wanted to hurt myself in a while

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just want someone to give me a hickey. or five.

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I think door dash is trying to kill me they started showing me cold med ads a day ago and now I'm fucking sick this is so messed up

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just out here trying to kiss some dykes is that too much to ask?

#it aint much but its honest work

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you truly do not exist for other ppl’s consumption and your existence is not hinged on making others happy and comfortable by stifling and hiding and crushing and editing parts of yourself to be less than who you really are

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I hate realizing that I am immensely and deeply lonely. and it's my fault too.

I am weak, but I can't be. I don't have the time, or the space. I don't have someone to lean on. to break and fall into.

everything is falling apart and I don't feel like I have anyone to turn to

#i am so so tired

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shout out to people who are scared to call others out, whose hands shake when they try to explain what’s wrong, whose throats threaten to close up with thoughts of ‘what if i’m just overreacting’, whose hearts are pounding out of their chests because they just stuck their necks out for their beliefs, who have lost friends and respect and safety for aligning themselves with causes

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i’m “house phone” years old

#we gad a house phone #but our 'computer room' was just a desk shoved in the corner of the dining room

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I want to gnaw on glass until I die

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It'll be alright.

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I feel sick

I don't know. I've been thinking about some things lately. I don't know if I want to be with my partner

maybe I just need to sleep

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help it didn't go away after I slept. it's all I can think about and the panic is choking me how do I act normal

I don't know. I've been thinking about some things lately. I don't know if I want to be with my partner

maybe I just need to sleep

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I don't know. I've been thinking about some things lately. I don't know if I want to be with my partner

maybe I just need to sleep

#maybe i need to stop smoking

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you never really forget the look in someone's eyes when they've been through something traumatic. i can't explain it, but it's always there. i've seen it so many times, i don't think i will ever forget it.

the other day, a man came into my workplace asking to speak with a manager (i'm the closest we had to one) and he had that look in his eyes. there was blood and a cut on his nose, and he just looked so scared. he asked if he could stay in our store for a while. something had happened, and he didn't have a ride home to a city a half an hour away from our podunk little town with no public transportation or rideshare drivers.

when someone has that look in their eyes, you don't leave them alone. you just don't. so, i didn't. i got him a cup of water and a sandwich and tried to help him find a way home. we didn't talk much, but we didn't need to. i didn't ask what happened. i didn't need to know, nor did i care because it didn't matter. he apologized about a million times, even though i told him that he didn't need to and that he was more than welcome in our store for as long as he needed. he tried to tell me that "i know i can look scary, but all i want is to get home." he was a black man with a bunch of tattoos in a small midwest town, so i understood why, but this man wasn't scary. he was scared and hurt and started tearing up when i offered him water or coffee and asked if he was okay.

when i asked if he would be okay with me getting him an uber he cried, and we hugged, and i told him that i just wanted to help, he didn't have to give me anything or repay me in any way. he was just a guy who was having a shit night, in a town away from his home, who just wanted to get home to his daughter, and could really use someone looking out for him. it took a while, but we got him on his way home. a friend picked up the phone and i gave him twenty dollars for gas.

he cried, and hugged me again before he left. he called the store when he got home to tell me he was there, and to thank me again. I told him there was no need, all i wanted was for him to be home and for his night to hopefully get a bit better.

i will never forget the look that someone has when they've just been through something awful, and i will never leave someone alone when they have that look.

#we're all in this together #we need to be #if we don't have each other's back then who will? #i don't care if you're a stranger #or what happened #you will never need to tell me #and i will never ask you to #but if you need someone to look out for you #or just a bit of compassion #i will be there #because that's just what you do #you stick together