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justasouthern-boi · 3 years

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SICKTEMBER DAY 11 - (alt) Asleep on the couch

Word count: ~3800

Pairings: Bones & Reader or Bones x reader

Warnings: PTSD and survivors guilt.

This is the booger that’s been holding up all of Sicktember. I just didn’t know how to end it! Finally forced myself, so hopefully I can get back in a rhythm. Cuz uh, happy October, y’all. 🤣

The bed was too comfy.

The room was too quiet.

And the peace… didn’t feel deserved.

It had been a few months since you’d officially been assigned to the Enterprise after Nero and the resulting repair work. Things were going well.

Aside from the PTSD that no one needed to know about…

But the BEDS… You had gotten so used to the bed in your dorm in the academy- lumpy in some spots and worn down to the springs in others. It gave you migraines for your first month before ‘only’ throwing your back out if you slept on it in a way it didn’t like.

Because yes, you were pretty sure it was alive.

For almost 4 years you slept on that mattress. Your roommate was always offering to trade off nights, but you waved her off.

After she died in the Battle of Vulcan, you wished for a second chance to just hang out on her bed together, watching a movie, talking about guys. Shoot, even YOUR bed.

You’d have given anything to simply have that lumpy bed back, if only to be able to look over and see her there. Alive.

But then the dorms were destroyed when the drill fell out of the sky and now, now you were a Lieutenant with your own quarters and a big, comfy bed.

A bed you flipping hated.

You had retained your field promotion after everything settled down, that promotion awarding you with your own non-shared quarters, and decent quarters at that. Your roommate would have been so happy for you… So proud of you.

It was still a studio, but the bed was tucked behind a half-wall for a semblance of privacy. There was a tiny dining table with one chair (that doubled as a desk when you got backed up on reports) by an even tinier replicator. In the middle of the room sat a tiny loveseat couch with a glass coffee table.

Why glass, and not transparent aluminum? We’ll never know…

Aside from your lumpy bed, your roommate had snored, and your dorm was on the first floor so you got to hear everyoneeeee who was out and about at EVERY hour of the day. On the Enterprise? You only get the steady hum of the engines to lull you to sleep in the dark skies.

Oh and THEN there was the guilt. The ‘survivor’s guilt’ as Bones called it in the failed- MISERABLY FAILED- counseling sessions. He’d learned quickly that he wasn’t going to be able to get you to open up, at least not quickly. So you did the mandated 2 sessions and avoided him at all costs.

Which hurt him, to be honest.

You weren’t the only one who lost someone. Bones had very nearly lost Jim MULTIPLE times over those two days. Then, aside from friends, he’d lost multiple patients.

But you couldn’t bear looking into his soft hazel eyes as he asked how you were doing, if you were sleeping okay, eating okay, and mostly that was because you couldn’t look at him AND lie to him.

So you dealt with the guilt the only way you could find: Avoidance. Throwing yourself into work. Ignoring others’ invitations.

While Len and Jim had become friends you’d meet up with if your roommate was busy during school, you just couldn’t look at them and not think of her anymore. So you stayed as busy as possible and then to yourself as much as possible after your shifts.

Staying busy with work was easy, but being alone afterwards wasn’t.

Especially when the bed was too flipping soft and the room too flipping quiet at the same flipping time.

You grunted/moaned and threw yourself out of bed.

It had been nearly two months of this. Two months onboard the Enterprise- permanently- and 2 months of sleeplessness.

It was catching up with you. And others were noticing. When Scotty had to remind you to turn a bolt clockwise instead of counterclockwise, you started to panic, worry about your job, even.

But maybe you deserved to be booted off.

Your roommate had definitely been smarter and more talented than you. Maybe you should have died instead of her. You should have been swapped. She deserved the Enterprise while you deserved the Farragut, and all that came with being on it.

You sighed as you stood barefoot in front of the window. You caught a glance of your own reflection. You looked AWFUL. You HAD to get sleep.

You checked the time, 0344. Bones was on Alpha so at least this would be easy to hide. Not that you sought him out much anymore. You made sure to avoid the mess during times you knew he and Jim met for meals. Well, you knew the time Bones went for a meal and that was also the time he drug Jim along.

Especially after those miserable therapy sessions, you never really wanted to talk to Bones again. Dr. McCoy.

But you knew he’d think of himself as enough of a friend to ask after you a little more personally than anyone else. So that was why knowing he was off duty was the deciding factor in your throwing on some very non regulation combat boots and running down to medbay.

•

Medbay is always quiet that time of night. Unless there was an outbreak or a battle, it was rare for someone to have to stay over.

You saw Christine Chapel at the nurse’s station. She was always so nice to you, her roommate and yours had been best friends, so you tried to return her smile.

“Hey, Y/N,” she smiled as you approached, but while still engrossed in her charting.

You took a breath and let out a casual sigh, saying, “can't sleep…” then you shrugged. “I’ve gotta up my game, I turned a bolt the wrong way today and I thiiiiink Scotty is going to worry if I show up with more bags under my eyes.” You smiled as casually as you could.

You were starting to get hopeful she was the only one on duty, until-

“Y/N,” Came a low drawl from behind you.

You tried not to roll your eyes. Christine wouldn’t understand why you wanted to avoid him.

So you whirled and smirked casually, stuffing both hands in the front pocket of your hoodie.

“Bones!”

“I’m gonna kill Jim if the whole crew keeps up that nickname…”

“Nah, they’re all too scared of you.”

“Shush. What brings you in?”

“You just told me to shush THEN asked a question?”

His hazel eyes steeled and his jaw clenched in annoyance.

You shrugged. “Can’t sleep, gotta work in the morning.”

Bones scoffed, “it IS the morning…” Then he grabbed your wrist to lead you to a biobed.

“Yeah, why ARE you on gamma?” You queried.

“M’Benga needed a break from graveyard. And since we aren’t going to be making any stops for two weeks, also known as, two weeks Jim is less likely to get in trouble, I took over for him.”

When you got to the biobed and he looked at you expectantly, you crossed your arms. “I don’t need an exam, I just need drugs!”

“Pshbt, yeah, that doesn’t sound convincing at ALL…” he shook his head before sighing. “Fine. Stand if you want. Why can’t you sleep?”

You knew why. “Dunno.”

“You’re a terrible liar, Y/N.”

You didn’t know why! Was it the bed? The noise? The ptsd? All of it? You didn’t know, so - “I’m not lying, Len. I truly don’t know the reason.”

“Fine. Tell me what the reason MIGHT be.”

Dang it he was good. And he knew it. You could tell by his smirk.

So you let out a scoff. “Uh, let’s see, I’m working on the flagship, so that’s like, a crazy form of on the job training that I feel like I’m learning on the fly! I’m still learning my way around, I’ve just got a lot going on!”

“Yeah, so does everyone else on the ship. And it makes them all SLEEPY. Why not you?”

You shook your head as you clenched and unclenched your jaw, looking off of and away from his face.

You felt tears burn at the very backs of your eyeballs as you tried to think of a reason. But every excuse made you want to cry. So you just rolled your eyes and lazily said, “I’m probably OVERtired at this point, dude. I just need to SLEEP.”

“How longs it been since you had a good night's sleep?”

“Ha. How do you define ‘good night’?”

“Solid 8 hours, feeling at least decent when you wake up.”

“Ha. Let’s see. How long ago was Nero-“ and you caught yourself.

Crap.

Oh crap.

“-and the academy?” You tried to finish it casually. “I’ve been running on fumes for four and a half years now, Len. Think my brain just needs to be told to shut off.”

He studied you for a moment. Like he was trying to decide if he believed you or not. “Alright,” he finally said. “Fine. I’ll give you something that’ll put you right out. But I’m taking you off duty for tomorrow so you can sleep.”

You roll your eyes and start to walk away. “No thanks…”

You’d only gotten about three steps before he reached an arm out to stop you. “Y/N, this ship operates as a crew. The crew needs to be at its best-“

“Just because I’m not getting my best sleep doesn’t mean I need to be taken off duty, DOCTOR.” You snapped, voice full of venom and malice, looking down at his extended arm with disgust.

“No, it doesn’t. But you trying to underplay how bad you actually feel, just might!” He snapped back with equal attitude. Then he softened. “We’re your FRIENDS. At least, we used to be. Only a couple months ago. You can TALK to us, darlin. About anything-“

“What is it you think I need to talk about so badly?”

“YOU’RE the one who just brought up Nero-“

“AS I was saying that I don’t know why I can’t sleep. AS IN there’s a million reasons why and he’s probably one of them for EVERYONE onboard.”

“Yeah but not everyone is in my sickbay at 4am.”

“I’m SPECIAL…” you said with a hand flourish and a half cocked grin.

He did not return said grin.

You could see his wheels turning and that usually meant he was about 2 seconds from figuring you out. You had to find an excuse, and fast.

“It’s the bed, okay!”

“Huh?”

“My bed…” you fiddled with your hands, leaned up against the biobed. “It’s too soft. The one I had in my academy years was so lumpy it could barely pass as a bed, but I got used to it. So now I have a massive soft bed instead of a tiny lumpy one, AND it’s too quiet…”

“The bed is too quiet?”

“Wha- huh? No! The room! The room is too quiet. You remember I had a ground level dorm. Things didn’t quiet down til at least 3am midweek and 5am on weekends. It was another thing I got used to. Like my roommate’s snoring. We weren’t supposed to get our own rooms for YEARS! Now I’m in this room that just… doesn’t FEEL right… I don’t know…”

“I think I have an idea.”

You stopped fiddling with your hands and looked up.

“Well don’t look TOO surprised, Lieutenant,” Bones rolled his eyes.

He jerked his head towards his office. “Follow me.”

You followed him into his sparsely furnished office; a couch on the right wall, desk facing the door on the far wall and a cabinet on the left wall.

He walked over to the cabinet and started pulling stuff out.

You watched, confused, hugging one of your elbows in your palm.

He turned around with a pillow and blanket, then motioned to the couch.

You raised an eyebrow curiously, but followed.

“They’re clean, I promise,” Bones said casually as he threw the stuff down on the couch.

You patiently waited for an explanation.

“This couch is a lumpy piece of crap, but if that’s what’ll help you sleep, maybe it’ll finally be worth something…” He grumbled, fanning out the blanket.

“So you think a lumpy bed is going to help me go to sleep?” You asked, incredulously.

“That,” he nodded, “and the noises of medbay. I know it’s quiet now, but there’s always noises to be heard. So, lumpy bed, annoying noises, it’ll be like bein back in your dorm.”

“Except without Lindsay…” You scoffed before you could catch yourself.

He softened.

“I’m sorry, Y/N. I know you miss her.”

You shrugged, “we all lost people.”

“Doesn’t make it any less hard.”

You sighed, looked back at the couch.

“Have you talked to Christine at all?”

Your eyes snapped up to him. “Why?”

“She lost her roommate and best friend too ya know. As did Nyota. Sometimes just knowing that you have someone who knows what you’re going through makes things easier.”

You cast your eyes downward. This was so awkward. So dumb.

You just wanted to SLEEP.

You NEEDED sleep.

It was worth a shot.

“What are you gonna do? While I sleep? I’m not kicking you out, am I?”

He shrugged, “I was gonna let you sleep and work on my charting in the main bay.”

“Stay? Please…” You asked softly but with more urgency in your voice than you’d care to admit.

“I-I just mean, I think I need someone else in the room… is that… okay…?” Your voice got smaller with each word.

But he nodded vigorously. “Of course, darlin, of course. I’ll dim the lights, alright?”

“Won’t that hurt your eyes?”

“Nah. Just lay down and rest, sugar. You’re safe.” He patted your arm as he went to fiddle with the control panel for the lights. Why he couldn’t just ask the computer, you’d never understand.

You chewed your lip as you nodded to yourself and sank down onto the couch, kicked your boots off. “I-I really do appreciate this, Len.” You said smally.

He looked at you in surprise on his way back to his desk.

“It’s no big deal, honey, honestly.” He almost shrugged.

You nodded with a smile as you laid down.

Bones’ soft tapping on padds blended nicely with the sweet laugh of Christine out in the main medbay- a cacophony of its own noises.

Machines beeping during maintenance, the stray crewman coming in for a bandaid, it was lovely.

Your mind started to wander, thinking of the smell of your dorm, and then it blended into all the funny dreams that come with a long, hard sleep.

A hand on your shoulder, gently moving you from side to side was a surprise to wake up to.

Someone was kneeling next to you as you tried to burrow back into your pillow.

The warmth on your shoulder seeped through to your skin and an equally warm voice spoke, “darlin? You gonna wake up for alpha or you gonna let me take you off for a sick day?”

After FINALLY having a tiny taste of decent sleep, there was no way you were giving it up.

“Sleep, please…”

A low chuckle tickled your ears before a kiss landed on your head. “Absolutely, darlin. I’ll lock the door on my way out.”

“Th’k you…”

“My pleasure.”

•

You were suddenly bolting awake, having no idea where you were. You frantically tried to find your padd while trying to figure out where you were.

You heard beeping, loud voices, you were sleeping on someone’s couch, where the heck- OH.

You finally get your padd in your hands and read the first message- your sick day had been logged and accepted.

Great. Great! You had taken a sick day when you REALLY needed to tackle your projects.

Stupid freaking Leonard always being so nice.

But lord… that sleep was wonderful. Even if your back hurt, it was in a familiar way.

It was nearly noon and you were starving, but nervous to emerge from the CMO’s office after sleeping on the couch there.

And you were stumped, you couldn’t sleep there every night, so what were you gonna do long term?

The door opened not long after that, Bones strolling in. “Afternoon, darlin. How’d ya sleep?”

You put your head in your hands. “Ughhh I can’t believe I called off and slept on your couch…”

“Technically,” he said, strolling over. “*I* called you off. Woulda ordered you off, if I had to.”

You dropped your hands to scowl at him as he sat on the coffee table in front of the couch.

You rolled your neck around, cracking it.

“Don’t do that!” Bones scolded.

You made a face, “oh, you're one to talk.”

He snorted.

You tried not to smile.

Then the smile naturally fell as you fiddled with your blanket. His, technically. The blanket on your lap, how’s that?

Your mind started racing on what happens next. “How am I gonna sleep?” You asked with a wobbly voice. “I can’t sleep here every night. But I can’t sleep in my bed, either.”

“You try sleepin on the floor?”

You nodded. “Ugh, I could barely walk for three days.” You fought the urge to rub your back where it had been in an agonizing krick.

Bones raised an eyebrow. “And you didn’t come here WHY?”

You rolled your eyes. “For what? A hypo? And have you bugging me about what an insomniac I am? Please! I’ve just been going on no sleep for so long I think my brain finally caught up with it. But I mean I should be good for a while now, right?” It’s rhetorical. So you quickly move on, “hopfu--I’m sure— this’ll kickstart a good sleep pattern.” You tried to nod affirmatively, but you knew you were lying.

“What about nightmares?” Bones asked softly, if not suddenly.

You rolled your eyes. “My insomnia is not caused by bad dreams, okay? Therapy AGAIN is the LAST thing I need…” You shook your head, putting your forehead in your hand after.

Bones blinked with realization. “Is THAT why you’ve been avoiding me?”

You resist the urge to snap your head up and quickly deny it. You try to be casual, “avoiding you?”

“Oh come ON. You’re “busy” every time we try to get you to hang out-“

“I AM busy!”

“If Scotty is running you into the ground THAT much-“

“Don’t blame Scotty!” You yelped, not wanting to get him in trouble. You were barely able to keep up with everything, the last thing you needed to do was get your boss in trouble.

Bones’ brow furrowed. “Is he not treatin you good down there?”

“Of COURSE he is!” You objected, getting frustrated and pushing the blanket off, getting ready to bolt. “I just… I just…”

Your words were failing you and your lower lip was threatening to tremble.

Bones reached out to lay a hand on your knee, which you didn’t realize was practically vibrating. “You just what, sweetheart?” He prompted gently.

And then it all came out. “IT’S NOT FAIR.” You exploded, making Bones pull his hand away. “LINDSAY SHOULD HAVE MY JOB! She was so smart and drop dead gorgeous and funny and kind and just, GOSH! She should be here instead of me! I’m only here because I’m what was left alive of the student body that had served here. Otherwise, I-“

“Now hold on just a dang second. We’re gonna clear some things up right quick,” Man did Bones get SOUTHERN when he was serious. “Number 1- Jim personally approved everyone onboard, and I can tell ya he personally DIS-approved of a LOT of crewmen who served onboard during Nero. You’re here because you belong. Which brings us to number 2-“

He reached out to gently take your chin so you faced him, looked him in the eye. “This is classic survivor’s guilt, y/n. We can get you through this. I can’t bring anyone back. God, I wish I could,” he shook his head woefully, dropping his hand, no doubt reliving many awful things. “I can’t give you back what you lost, not Lindsay, not your bed, but I can help you cope, if you’ll let me.”

“We both know how badly those required therapy sessions went,” you said sternly, with a cock of the head. “I’m never doing that again.”

He sighed and looked thoughtful, taking his time to carefully choose his words.

“Sweetheart, the thing is, just tryin to wish it away won’t work. Tryin to ignore it will only make it worse,” he reached out to gently cup your face. “I don’t wanna see you turn to alcohol or just… fold in on yourself like I have a feelin you’ve been doin already.”

You averted your eyes, but his grip held firm.

“I need you to understand for me that feelin this way is NORMAL. But I also need you to understand we all did the best we could.”

All you heard was- ‘other people hurt, too, you selfish prick!’

You pulled your face away from his hand, looking back to your again-fiddling hands. “I’m sorry. I know everyone lost people. I shouldn’t make it about me…”

His brow furrowed, and hard. “Dar- wha- th-this IS about you! We are talkin about you right now. And how it is OKAY and HEALTHY for you to be feeling what you’re feeling.”

You didn’t say anything.

“Honey, you’re not bein selfish here. I’m not tellin ya that others have it worse, I’m sayin that you’re not alone in this.”

You chewed the inside of your cheek and forced a nod, before you heard him sigh.

“Yknow, if you hadn’t been avoiding us all for months, you’d have been in on some mock group therapy.”

He waits until you look up abruptly to continue.

“It’s good to have people that understand what you’ve been through. I’m not saying friends are a replacement for actual therapy. But having a support system is definitely part of healing from any trauma.”

He reached out to squeeze your knee, get you to look up at him. “Let us all support you.”

Your lip wobbled. “But-“

“No.”

“No, bu-“

“Nope.”

“LEN! I still don’t know where I’m gonna sleep!”

He blinked. “Oh.” He said, thinking. “Well,” he began thoughtfully. “You can sleep in here any night you want, I can set you up at home with white noise and a weighted blanket, and I can prescribe some mild- and yes I promise they’re mild- sleeping aids.”

You nodded slowly. “Okay,” you finally whispered.

Bones beamed at you. “Aright,” he said through his smile. “Let’s get you set up in your quarters, and then you can come have dinner with everyone, okay?”