Stephen: you know that thing Peter does-
Tony: when he doesn't sleep enough and forgets which way is up so goes to bed on the ceiling?
Pepper: when he drinks coffee and decides that decorating the tower from outside with Christmas decorations is a good idea?
Harley: when he almost calls Tony 'dad' but then stops himself and says 'dashing hero of mine' instead?
Peter: I'M RIGHT HERE!
638 notes · View notes
Peter: make no mistake; not only am I party rocking, I am also in the house tonight.
Ned: but are you shuffling?
Tony: what language are you two speaking?!
242 notes · View notes
Tony: while I’m gone, Pete, you’re in charge
Tony, to MJ: you’re secretly in charge
26 notes · View notes
MJ: (talking on the phone on speakerphone) Hello? Peter, where are you?
Peter: (on the phone) I waved to a man because I thought he was waving at me. Apparently, he was waving to the guy behind me. So to get out of the awkward situation, I kept my hand up so a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland, starting a new life.
Ned: Wait, wha-
MJ: understandable, have a nice day
61 notes · View notes
Steve: Clint's late. again.
Nat: I woke him up at 8 and pretended it was 11
Tony: I wrote a fake schedule saying we started at 9 instead of 12
Sam: I set his clock to PM instead of AM
Steve: you all may have overdone it.
Clint, bursting through the door: WHAT YEAR IS IT?!
25 notes · View notes
Tony, walking in the door: Hi...why are you on the ceiling
Peter, in a v awkward position on the ceiling: oh no reason, I just like it up here, nice view, you know?
Tony: where's the spider
Peter: by the fridge
23 notes · View notes
Pepper: "It's Christmas time and you know what that means!"
Nat: "Getting drunk on my own while crying in the bathtub?"
Harley: "Break into the houses of kids at my school and fill their stockings with coal again?"
Peter: "Question my existence while watching Friends reruns on repeat?"
Tony: "Stop sleeping so that I'm seeing double by the time I have to open presents in front of my friends and acknowlege that people love and care about me whether or not I deserve it?"
Pepper, concerned: "I was gonna say 'ugly Christmas Jumper competition' but you know what? Get in the car, we're all going to therapy."
43 notes · View notes
Peter: *pushing on a door that clearly says “pull”*
MJ, filming him: Just push harder.
56 notes · View notes
Peter: I can't do this I'm a bottom
Tony: for the last time, I don't know what that means, I'm just trying to teach you how to parallel park
22 notes · View notes
Peter: You people always talk about e-boys this and e-girls that
Peter: But no one wants to talk about the e-conomy
Peter: Capitalism is a fundamentally flawed system-
216 notes · View notes
Clint: *carrying around a potted plant*
Steve: ........ why is Clint walking around holding a tree?
Bucky: Natasha order him to.
Natasha: it’s to replace the oxygen he wastes when he speaks.
470 notes · View notes
Tony: *gasps, pretending to cough and fall to the ground dramatically*
Tony: Help!!! Help!!!
Stephen: Ooh~ do I need to give you cpr?
Stephen: *starts unbuttoning tonys shirt*
Stephen: Ooh~ Mr. Stark~ I’m about to resuscitate you so hard-
Peter: *starts crying*
Harley: *throws the twister spinner across the room*
Harley: THIS IS WHY WE CANT HAVE FUCKING FAMILY GAME NIGHT-
259 notes · View notes
Harley in the family groupchat: So do seahorses read fpreg?
Stephen: Seahorses are illiterate. A quality I wish I had so I didn’t have to read this.
531 notes · View notes
Thanos: I think the words you're searching for are "I surrender"
Tony: The words I'm searching for I can't say because Peter is present.
153 notes · View notes
Peter: It’s nice to be wanted, you know?
Ned: Not by the law!
37 notes · View notes
Tony: You may ask me one question. That’s it. Make it count.
Peter: Why aren’t there uppercase and lowercase numbers?
Peter: I want to write loud numbers.
27 notes · View notes
Peter: Are you cooking?
May: I wanted to do something nice for you.
Peter: But instead you cooked?
34 notes · View notes
Natasha: Damn, Banner, are you secretly cool?
Bruce: Well, poker is just math, so I guess it depends on if you consider the mathematician, Carl Friedrich Gauss, cool.
Natasha: I do not.
15 notes · View notes
Peter: Allow me! Locks are my specialty.
Peter: *throws brick through window*
25 notes · View notes
Peter: When I said "Netflix n chill" I meant "Netflix n chill". Stop trying to kiss me. Watch this 9/11 conspiracy theory documentary or gtfo.
32 notes · View notes