justsayun
Am I Your Weirdo?
They say each of us is someone else's Weirdo. Could I be Yours?
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What's your prescription?
I was walking through my favorite section of the store the other day. That happens to be the TV section. All the new huge flatscreen TV's. It's like another world. I heard some little boy say "Wow all those people on TV seem so happy". As I looked up at what he was watching it was one of those Jardiance commercials. Yes, the one where everyone is dancing. What do they say the little pill with the big story to tell? I kind of feel left out that I don't have a condition where I can take a medication that will make me a dancing machine. So I've decided to create my own medical conditions so I can take part and share during parties. Who doesn't love medical talk and hearing the prescriptions you're talking about? I share how I have Condiment Baffelment, I can't tell them apart. Mustard, Ketchup, Relish, all of them can't tell them apart. Doctors call it a very rare condition. It's a nightmare. Plus my fallback is I'm coming off having a concussion. I do think there are many more ads for drugs on TV than ever before. It's crazy. I had a neighbor kid say to me the other day how his dad says women complain more now than they used to. He said they were friendlier when he was a kid. Then the kid asked me: Is that right? Before I answered I looked around.
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Sharing Jesus
My wife gave me a lecture the other day about sharing my very loose religious beliefs. First off I told my wife I'm very godly. In fact, I do think when I get to heaven Jesus will run up and hug me and say: " Man I am excited you finally got here. " My wife laughed and said, "Oh yeah, I'm sure that'll happen." What brought this exchange all about is my grandson asked me if I thought Jesus attended parties that women were at. I told him of course. He was at some wild parties. Now of course he kept his hands to himself. But there was dancing. They had some musical numbers that involved them vaulting over mules. It was crazy. But just innocent fun. Jesus played a little guitar and one of his disciples played the flute, he was known as an early version of Kenny G. I told my grandson to think about it. Jesus was a good storyteller. He played a mean guitar and he wore sandals. Out at the beach during the summer he'd have a crowd around him constantly. My grandson said that I really know my bible. I told him that it was because I went to church every Sunday and I paid attention. I told him if he had any other questions about Jesus he could come to me. I'd explain it to him. My wife walked up about that point and said to me I can't wait for him to tell your daughter about how he learned that Jesus did dances that involved vaulting over donkeys. I said: "That's why I'm so glad I have such a fantastic wife who can explain this all to her."
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Where do you stick it?
My wife calls me nosey, no way I'm observant. I look around and try and see what's going on. Perhaps I'll notice something beautiful that I would have otherwise missed. That's what Mark Twain the Dali Lama and Mike Lindell of My Pillow among others did. While out at a store I ran into a couple disagreeing. The lady told her guy he knew where he could stick it and stormed off. He looked really perplexed. (I always get so sad when I see a woman mistreating a man.) I turned to my wife and whispered; "I don't think he knows where she wants him to stick it". My wife told me to be quiet. I continued that I don't think this guy understands the term "You know where you can stick it." I said how most insult comments are pretty self-explanatory. "You're so ugly you'd make a blind kid cry." OR "You'll never need birth control with a personality like yours." Or even "I'm not as stupid as you look". But the old You know where you can stick it involves a bit of imagination. We're assuming people know where they're supposed to stick it but perhaps they don't. Maybe when we toss that comment out we should also hand them a booklet titled "The Book of Where to Stick It for Stupid People". Just so everyone would know. Nothing sadder than someone sticking something in the wrong place. I'm a believer if you're with someone who is not really sharp it's not wise to tell them where to stick it. Just go with a one-word diss. Call them a Jackass or Doofuss and be done with it. In my marriage, I have heard jackass a lot, but I would be able to handle it if she would want me to go stick it. I'm a big boy no problem. You can double-stick it. How do you like that?
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Good Friday
Well, a happy Easter Weekend to you. I had today off for Good Friday. I mentioned it to my wife earlier in the week and she immediately said how she could take it off also and she enjoyed going to Good Friday Church Service. I didn't even know there was such a thing. What time is that on Friday I asked She said it was at 3 pm. Right smack dab in the middle of the day. I grew up in the country. We had church on Sunday. That's how Jesus has it set up in the Good Book. Anyway, my wife took off work Friday and I told her I was planning on going to this big farmers market about an hour's drive on Friday for fun and to find things for Easter. She said that's fine, it's alright that we'll be missing Good Friday Service. Well, I went to bed earlier than I usually would and actually got to the farmers market early for me. I ended up getting her back to town in time for her Good Friday Church Service. She asked what I was going to do I said I'd go along. But I reminded her I'm a Sunday Church Person not a Friday at 3 churchgoer. Let me tell you that was the longest church service I've ever attended. An hour and a half long. I told my wife I love her but will never attend another Good Friday Service again. Why was this so long? I told my son that I was never attending a Good Friday Service again. He said: "I can't believe you told mom that." I mentioned that perhaps he could take my place next year. He just said: "Don't get me in the middle of this". So yes I'm sticking with just Sundays from now on. For some reason that works for God and me. As the wife and I piled back in the car after church I said to my love that I adjusted my whole day just to get her back so she could make her Good Friday Church Service she enjoyed so much. You have a great husband. She goes: "I have a decent husband who has an occasional good moment." You know what, I'll take that.
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Love that game.
Wow is it raining here today? I looked out my window and spotted the wreck of the Edmond Fitzgerald floating down the street. I couldn't believe it. I loved the song, but now I've seen the actual ship. Was at a thrift store the other day just for Kix and spotted a lady packing around a game of Twister she had found. (Wow does that game bring back memories.) She was I would guess around in her forties. I commented how she was going to have some fun with friends with that. I said a few cocktails and things could get interesting. I could tell I annoyed her. I finished with the fact that "If you win three games of Twister you can be certified as a Yoga Instructor." My wife walked up and whispered to me; "This is why our kids complain about you in public. You're a troublemaker." Thanks for that information, honey. One thing I have gleaned over the years from marriage is at least during the lectures you don't have to take notes.
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A Good Husband
This week has been going along without really any problems. I haven't seen one homeless person in pajamas. I had a friend who told me he was invited to a party recently and when he asked what he could bring they suggested toilet paper. I asked him if he brought one roll or a four-pack. He said four-pack he didn't want to come off a cheapskate. I had some knuckleheads ask me if we had such a thing as safe sex back when I was growing up. His attitude annoyed me but I was kind I told him yes we did. I grew up out in the country so for us safe sex was if we parked with our lady we would set a couple of flares off around our truck. I do feel as I've gotten older I've become a much smarter married husband. The unforced errors I used to make I don't make as nearly as many. For example, I just was informed by my wife that she had learned that some speakers had bowed out of some function this weekend and she was asked to fill in for them. It would mean she would be gone all day Saturday. As she told me I said; "Oh no, Saturday is our day. This just is not fair. But if it's for work and your career you do it. I'll keep busy and Saturday night we'll figure out something special if you're not too tired." She just smiled and said: "Thanks Honey for being so understanding." Now in my mind, I'm thinking I get to watch non-stop March Madness basketball all day Saturday. Guilt-free. I'm ordering a pizza and later going to pick up a sub. The dog and I will lounge and eat junk food and I'll toss pretzels and pizza crusts to our pooch she'll be in heaven. Jesus knew I needed this. Years ago I would have told my wife hey great I'll watch basketball all day while you work. She would have been miffed at me. Now with my selfless attitude of just hanging out waiting for her return, it's taken this moment and made it something beautiful. I might have to put together a husband workbook. I guess with becoming a great husband I was just a late bloomer.
#wife#jesus#work#bloomer#march madness#safe sex#unforced errors#toilet paper#our time#husband workbook
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I have fashion taste.
My wife surprised me with a hurtful comment this weekend. While walking through the airport I pointed out a few females that were sporting attractive, eye-catching fashions. (I used to watch America's Next Top Model and Project Runway with my daughters. It was a way to bond with them. Yep I'm just that kind of dad.) My wife then out of the blue said "You have slutty tastes". I told her; "Wow you say that simply because I like Leopard Prints, Fishnet things, and off-the-shoulder numbers. That labels me a fan of the slutty look? My wife said heaven help all women if you were in charge of ladies' fashions. I consider my tastes, "Affordable Elegance". Sure I'm no fashion expert, but I know what I like. You don't have to collect oil paintings or cruise the Mediterranean a couple of times a year to know fashion. When I go to functions that I'm attending as my wife's plus one I always have a few weird topics prepared to throw out. I can only listen to someone talk about places where the porta johns were super clean or about the time they were a parade marshall for so long. I bumped into a group that was talking about someone who was in the middle of a nasty divorce. I mentioned how I had learned the new term used for cheating was "Love Exploration". I said how the term love exploration sounds like something someone would host on the Discovery Channel. I made that comment when my wife wasn't around. Her elbow to the ribs would have hurt. My other weird topic is these copycat knock-off cereals. Who comes up with the names? I like Lucky Charms, but Marshmellow Magic not so much. My wife once was supposed to get me Life cereal while she was out. Instead, she said this was next to it but lots cheaper. It was called "Live It Up". I'm sorry but Live It Up was nowhere close to Life cereal. The knockoff to Trix at my store is the cereal "Pranks". It sucks. Perhaps that's what they should call it "Sucks". My favorite knockoff cereal name is Special K's doppelganger, it's called "Active Lifestyle" Boring!!! Finally, if I'm at a party and don't want to be bothered. My go-to subject is to talk about my dream the previous night about petting a Polar Bear.
#fashion taste#style#good looks#slutty#knockoffs#weird cereals#chitchat#partys#conversations#weird topics#cheating#airport
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Goodbye little tree.
I don't want to brag but I consider myself a pretty well-rounded guy. I love Pizza, Puppies, and Poetry. Activities I enjoy! Skipping Rocks, Popping Bubblewrap, and Writing encouraging letters to people. Some of the reality shows I've watched recently happen to be "Love After Lockup" and "Love During Lock-up". I even submitted a show idea to the network for people going into prison and coming out of prison called Prison Pow Wow". I haven't heard anything back yet. In this day and age where there is so much friction in society I try and run a very diverse home. We have a Rubick Cube and Reader Digest in the bathroom. My goal is to try and live every day like a Fabric Softener Commercial. Today I did finally take our Christmas Tree down. I know you're thinking what was you're holdup? Well, my wife is a big-time Kansas City Chiefs Fan. She was a fan before Mahomes joined them. She forbade me to take the lights down outside or inside while the Chiefs were still alive in the playoffs. Every Playoff game the house was lit up. She called it Chiefsmas. Yep, I was the only house on Super Bowl Sunday in my neighborhood with its Christmas lights on. Anyway, everything finally came down today. It's a good feeling not to see that tree set up in the living room. Now I have some room to start working on my Handstands and Cartwheels. I want to impress some people at the beach this summer. Yes, I'm still a dreamer.
#Christmas#KC Chiefs#holiday lights#reality shows#prison#well rounded#rubick cube#pizza#puppies#superbowl#holiday#wife
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The world is making me tired.
I hope you've been keeping warm. I think Jack Frost has been on Steroids in my neighborhood lately. I don't watch the news as much as I used to. It just irritates me. I see in New York City they are now giving illegal aliens 1000 dollar debit cards to use for food since they have complained about the food they've been getting. What in the world? We've got homeless Americans who need help and this is what's happening with taxpayer money. I'm not heartless, I'm just done with it. We've got thousands of folks just crossing our border and we're giving them cell phones and free housing. Not me. As they crossed the border I'd give each child a balloon and every adult a ten-dollar Starbucks Card and say "Good Luck". We are not a country of dreamers any longer. We need to let people know we are now a country of Doers. You come here, you better figure out what you can do to survive, and it better not be a crime. The days of us playing nice with that are coming to an end. I feel it coming. I could probably make a fortune selling a t-shirt that read, "I've had enough". I see it was announced that Transgender women can now box in the upcoming Olympics. It's going to be interesting to watch the female boxing match on TV with my son and decide if we're rooting for the one with the handlebar mustache or full beard. Priceless times.
#cold#new york city#debit cards#immagrants#illegals#border#transgender#olympics#boxing#starbucks card
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Kitchen Closed
When it comes to having company stop in at our house growing up my mother was the best hostess you could imagine when company would stop in to visit or just swing in to ask my father a question about their car. She always would ask them if it was during dinner if they'd like to have a plate of food. If it was any other time of day she'd always offer a cup of coffee and cookies or pie. Yep not to brag but I've never met anyone in my life that could touch my mother when it came to putting out the welcome mat for company. It used to annoy my brother and I at times. We'd complain to my mom, "Why do you encourage that person to hang around so long?" But that was my mother. Well with my mother being off her feet most of the time right now she's not up to being the hostess she usually has been. I am not the master greeter of guests like my mom. We had people stop in today out of the blue to visit. Now my mother was resting in the living room and my sister had run to town so I was kind of overseeing household operations. Now I told those visiting that this was not the house of the endless cup of coffee. I heard some grumbles and I followed up with how this right now is not my usual mothers kitchen. Then I got the comment: "This is to your mothers kitchen." I told them, "This might be my mothers kitchen, but she's not working it today, I am, and I 'm not making multiple pots of coffee for everyone. " Hey everyone got a cup a coffee and some banana bread and a smile. You feel slighted because you didn't get 4 cups of coffee I'm sorry. I told my mother later about how I refused to make more coffee for the crew that visited. I asked her if she was miffed at me about that. She just looked at me and smiled and said: "No, you do you honey. If you ever do make a second pot make sure you use the cheap coffee." I really love that woman.
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Old Friends
I know the holiday season is behind us but I still have a few FA LA LAs left in me. It's been a weird month for me being away from my wife and kids while helping out with my parents for a stretch. I hear how it's snowing back home right now. I do like one thing about snow, it's that it makes everyone's car look just as good as everyones else's. You drive your fathers old Dodge van and your neighbor has a new Jaguar. Covered with 6 inches of snow they both look the same. One no better then the other. Thanks snow. The big equalizer. You're neighbors yard is tended to by a relative of Mr. Miyagi's from the Karate Kid, Yep it looks wonderful. Your yard is a mess with dog poops, empty beer cans and some old tires. But after a good snowfall. Boom. One yard looks no better then the other. Thank you beautiful snow, the great equalizer . Thank you snow for making us lazy lawncare folks feel better. For a little while my yard rocks with the best of ya. Went to some old family friends, Dick and Karens house today to visit. It's funny when you visit someone you've known since you were a little kid everone feels they can freely say things you wouldnt say to most folks. As I walked in to greet them I heard Dick say, "Hey, doesn't look like you've missed any meals". I thought to myself how can you say that I'm looking pretty great. I immediately waved my hand in front of him to make sure his eyesight was alright? I hadn't heard anything about him having vision problems. Then I realized he was picking on me since he had known me since I was little so he could basically get away with saying anything he wanted to me and get away with it. It's funny how if I ran into an old female friend and said "Hey how ya doing, wow it doesn't look like you've missed any meals". I'd probably have a black eye and be missing some teeth. But it's like if you run into a parent and say "Hey I ran into you kids the other day that son of yours is a big as a horse" That's a compliment. If I said; "Hey I ran into your wife and daughter yesterday at the store. Wow that daughter of yours is as big as a horse." I'd love to be around to see what happens. While at Dick and Karens house their one daughter dropped in who I attended elementary school with. I asked her about my poor report card grades for conduct in school from years ago I had uncovered and did that make any sense to her. She just smiled and shrugged. I don't know what that means. As I departed Dick and Karens I was reminded by all of them not to cause them any problems on Facebook. I was a bit taken a back by even the suggestion. I told them I'm a people person. I'm about building bridges. Then they said "Well what about you're comment about Rose Anderson?" All I said was that Rose thought Jesus came to earth like Jeff Bridges did in the movie "Starman". Remember Mrs Anderson said Karma's a bitch. I know I was just retelling the story. I did mention how even though he might have come to earth like Jeff Bridges in Starman, she did believe he did land in a manger in Bethlehem.
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Report Cards
Was digging thru a box of old family pictures recently while at my parents. To my surprise & misfortune my children found some of my old report cards. To be honest I didn't know my mother and father had hung onto them. I had some surprizes as I looked at those old report cards. First off I remember that I was quite an excellent student. These report cards did reflect that exactly. I for the life of me can't explain how for a full year my 7th grade teacher gave me a "C-" in Citizenship. I was always one of the loudest of saying the Pledge of Allegiance at the start of each school day. My kids had fun bust'in on me about that. "Jeez dad how do you get a C- in Citizenship, huh?" Honestly if you asked anyone from my childhood they would all say when it came to citizenship I was tops. Hey I was a Cub Scout. Plus during lunch I didn't go hang out at what was called "The Smokers Hole". Enuf said! I have a pretty good memory and as I look thru my 7th grade report cards I can't figure it out. My School Conduct grades in almost every class was either Failed, Unsatisfactory or Needs Improvement. My Social Studies teacher every quarter said I Needed Improvement. Science class was the same. My math teacher thought I was alright. Finally a teacher who understood me. Band class said I sucked with big "N"s for every quarter. Music said I was unsatisfactory in my conduct. Yes band and music were two different classes. I don't care what the teacher said I was attentive, helpful and a joy for everyone in those classes. Sure in band sometimes I might squirt some of the valve oil on other peoples chairs so when they left class they had a wet spot on their butt, but honestly who wouldn't do that?
#report cards#old things#kids#school conduct#teachers#7th grade#band teacher#cub scouts#smokers hole
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You know I've seen many things along the side of the road over the years. This week I spotted a toilet just sitting on the edge of the road. A nice looking toilet. Just sitting in position, waiting to be used. Who just drops a toilet off and leaves it by the road? I mean that takes littering up to a whole new level. I wish I would have had a roll of toilet paper to sit beside it and a cardboard sign which would have read; "County Rest Area". (None of my family would have used it unless it had a People Magazine sitting beside it.) What a way to class up a country road. Perhaps I could have set out one of those fancy rolls of toilet paper that's blue colored. A couple days later that toilet was gone. I'll have to keep an eye out I'm sure someone nearby has it sitting in their front yard. Perhaps with some Christmas lights wrapped around it. That's the classy way to display a toilet outside.
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Christmas is over I guess.
Well I guess Christmas is over. My sister took the tree down at my parents. I told the family that I'm not done with Christmas yet, that as a final gesture, I'm giving the gift of myself to everyone. What that means is if I see someone I will allow them to talk about whatever they feel they need to chat about for five minutes. I will be interested and smile and just a pleasure to be around. After five minutes, if they're boring me talking about flower arranging or they're pet frog I'm gone. This guy is not a gift that keeps on giving. Sorry. I know me giving the gift of friendship for Christmas is something you might want to try out next Christmas. Now if I can change gears for a second. What has happened to trying to look nice when you go out and about? I cannot believe how some people dress. I spotted this one guy who had on a shirt with swear words in big bold letters across the front. I wanted to say something to this idiot but I thought I'll end up in some kind of fist fight in the middle of the store. I'm not a prude, but far from it, but sometimes things just are ridicoulous. Let me be the one to say it but if you're in your fifties, you probably are not super cute out in the stores in your pajama bottoms and slippers. Wake up and smell reality. I truly don't think people look in the mirror anymore before leaving the house. I went into town today and half of the people looked like they must have just finished changing the oil on their car and the other half got dressed in the dryer while it was running. Now not everyone was a mess, but let's say 7 out of 10 were. Perhaps I was in town at a bad time. Maybe it was dress like a Drifter Day and I didn't realize it. Or could all the cool people been in another spot at a wine festival? Drinking Wine, eating cheese and listening to jazz music. I just missed the memo. It just seems when it comes to self presentation people don't try like they used to. I know I've had married friends who after a stretch of time one of them have given up. Basically given up trying to look good. It just seems a lot more people then usual have tossed in the towel recently. Hey if you're going to toss in the towel, at least use it to take a shower first.
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Hi Jesus
Some dear old friends of my folks stopped in to visit my mother today. I handn't seen Rose and Byron for a number of years so it was great to lay eyes on their smiling faces. While talking they mentioned how they were going up to the Valley church to listen to someone they knew speak. I mentioned to them how they had signs up to promote a live nativity at the church going on this evening also. I asked Rose if she knew that Jesus was born in a manger? She said: "Really"? I know you probably thought he arrived on earth in a ship like Jeff Bridges in the movie Starman. Nope he was born in a little ole manger with sheep and ducks and other little farm animals around. I could tell Rose was kinda excited about the live nativity that she was going to get to observe. I then asked what she knew about the three wise men. She answered: "Manny, Moe and Jack". I said, "Ah, no those are the Pep Boys". I then went to get some coffee.
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Holiday Giving in many ways.
I enjoy Christmas time. What I get a kick out of is watching couples stressed out and doing last minute shopping. You can see the panic in their eyes. Kinda like a deers eyes during hunting season. Pure panic. I saw some guy ask his wife about a very beautifully packed gift basket and if it would be perfect for her mother. The woman looked at it and said it would be perfect if her mother was the bearded lady with the circus. It was a basket of mens shaving essentials. I still laugh when I recall his wife looking at her husband and saying "You got to focus man." Oh so priceless. I will admit I'm not big on giving gift cards. It's about the same as just giving cash. Nope I'm giving you something you can unwrap. I don't care if it's crappy or not, you'll get to unwrap it. I want to someday get to see that special present I picked out for you at your yard sale. That's the true meaning of gift giving. And I promise it won't be a scented candle. Unless it's a Yankee Candle. Their kinda pricey though. I'm not Bill Gates. I decided to share some of my extensive dating knowledge with my nephew the other day. He's just out of school and dating and I asked him if he had ever heard of THE CHANGE UP? He rolled his eyes and said no. I told him this is how it works. I was going on a first date with this young lady. She was very pretty and I was surprized she even said yes when I asked her out. Well when I picked her up for the date and we got in the car, that's when I used the change up. I turned and looked at her and said. "Would it be alright if I kissed you right now? I'm going to be nervious about kissing you all evening. It would be great if we could get that first kiss out of the way right now so we could just enjoy the rest of our date together." To this day I'll never forget the expression on her face. She said: "Yes, Sure". She was nice enough to oblige me more then one kiss before we hit the road to begin the date. That my boy is The Change Up. Some people use the term did you steal a kiss? You never need to steal a kiss if you know how to ask. Or when to ask.
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Christmas idea nixed
Was visiting with some friends today. The one is an avid motorcycle rider with his wife. Well my brother got himself a huge traveling bike that he has yet to take on a big road trip with his wife. Our one set of friends Pat and Lisa have a big bike with a passenger seat that is like a chase lounge chair. It has the arm rest and I'm not sure but it might even have a cup holder and a small compartment for gum and tic tac's, and it makes it like riding on a cloud for her when she's behind Pat on the road. Now my brothers wife said she didn't like the seats on his bike and for a long trip it just couldn't cut it. Well me always looking to offer helpful advice suggested a side-car for his bike. That didn't fly. I then suggested that in the spirit of the season my brother and I could go out Motorcycle seat shopping and with the help of a more experienced motorcycle rider like perhaps Pat we could find the perfect saddle for his ride. I said it would be fun to get this new seat attached and ready for the road, (I've watched many episodes of Pimp my Ride.) For my brother and his lady love. I felt myself just filling up with Christmas spirit thinking of getting this Hog, (I'm talking bike lingo.) ready for the open road. Then my sister in law took the air out of my celebration balloon by stating she wouldn't feel safe on any motorcycle that my brother and I had done major work on, actually ANY WORK ON. (I know I felt a bit hurt inside.) Yep she wouldn't get on it to ride. She said she envisioned riding down the road and taking a corner and having the seat just fly off. I told her she was way off base with that thinking. That even after we were done switching out the new with improved seat for her, we'd squirt some Gorilla Glue around it to make it extra sturdy. My brother and I are all about the details. So I will not be able to give the gift of a Motorcycle Seat this holiday season. I did mention to everyone while we were talking motorcycle roadtrips how they've come out with Airbag Jeans for motorcyclists to keep them safe in accidents. They are airbags in these jeans that pop out like the airbag in your cars dashboard in an accident. Afterwards you can deflate them and wear them again. Pat and Lisa asked what happens if you crash off a bridge and into water and your pants inflate but nothing else. I said I assume you might drown but your shoes will stay dry.
#motorcycle#sister in law#motorcycle seat#roadtrips#open road#gorilla glue#airbag jeans#christmas spirit
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