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k-s-m-o-blog · 4 years
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Are the kids alright?
Kennedy has started impulsive behaviors that I displayed at a young age but not quite as soon as she has.
When she doesn't understand something or dislikes something and it effects her she begins to tear up and question why this why that. She grows frustrated quickly and can't calm herself down in a healthy manor. Say i tell her no she cant play a video game but she doesn't have any homework or chores or routine things going on and she wants what she wants right then and there she begins to cry from frustration and instead of calming herself and trying to explain what emotions she feels she begins pinching or scratching her arms or legs. Lately this has gotten more intense. She has even drawn blood on one occasion. For me I began self mutilation at age 11 for reasons still unknown to myself. I just did it. But my self mutilation was more of a routine of doing the mutilation itself and hiding it. Hers comes in bursts with her feelings. We are going to play therapy and she has become more expressive of her feelings. Either they are hard for her to explain or not she still tries to explain it more thoroughly now. She is becoming more involved with Oakleigh now. Asking to play with her, asking to hold her, keeping her ear out for her when I go smoke, and even playing with her with toys or reading books to her. She does homework with me or mark then wants to come in my room and hang out and play jacks or tic tac toe or watch a movie or even read. We have designated Wednesday for 6:30pm movie night. She seems to enjoy being a lot more involved with William and I along with Billie as a family unit. William has started referring to Kennedy as "our daughter" or "our child". She notices his moods and they reflect upon her if he's being grumpy and she thinks its something she has done. We are working with both of them on thia matter. Him to not display his emotions so fragile in front of the girls and her not clinging to others emotions so tightly that they effect hers.
Savannah is still my wild and out there mini me. She makes up the wildest stories and expects me to believe her. Ive stopped going along with her and tell her she doesnt need to exaggerate things to make them seem more interesting or intensify her stories. Its attention seeking and I wont condone it and have her crave that sort of thing then whined up asking myself "how did this happen?" She she becomes pregnant at 15 because she was looking for attention from someone she doesnt even need around or when she gets into a fight for spreading a false rumor in school. She has a bit of trouble when i call her out on things but she takes most things with a grain of salt and carries on with life which makes me really happy. She is very free spirited but still tries to please others so much she forgets about herself in the process. Like mother like daughter. It nearly killed me and I wont have my child looking to make everyone but herself happy. She will know that her happiness and peace is most important than others thoughts of her. Shes also made a best friend with her father's friends daughter. Its cute. But they feed off each other at times and do naughty things like pull pranks on their cousins and scare littler kids. But I guess all kids get in to trouble with their friends. I just wont have it being a regular thing.
Little Billie is growing like a weed. Shes tripled her birth weight plus a few ounces and is babbling away at anything she can follow with her eyes. She rolled over last night for the first time right in front of William and I. The joy it brought to both of us. In that moment life seemed so light beyond all the problems there have been between us lately. Billie girl is tryibg to sit up and gaining more control of her upper body. She face is filling out and she enjoys being read to and my singing a song i made up for her when she was just a tiny ToT in the NICU. She grows smarter and stronger each day and it's so bitter sweet seeing my tiny baby girl get so big not knowing yet if she will be the last Margot baby or not.
On that note William and I just don't know whether we should steal our first childs spotlight and have her share it with a sibling already or if we should put an end to the unexpected blow to the face that happened so suddenly. Depending on the louisiana state laws now we will probably let her be the baby for a few more years if we choose to end it..then when she is 3 we will try again in January and February 2022 so that we will have an October baby. God only knows what will happen. I hate to put myself through this all again but I must do what i have to for my children's best interests as well as my own.
So are the kids alright?
They're just fine ..just fine..
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k-s-m-o-blog · 4 years
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Beauty in a Breakdown
The harder I fight to stay on the right path the more temptation comes into my life. God puts up these roadblocks on the road to success to see if I’m truly on board to stay on the wagon. I doubt myself sometimes but I find the more I do the right thing, no matter what that may be, the easier it becomes. I just do it. I’ve struggled with self-esteem problems my whole life but I know I’m a very beautiful girl. My struggle with that was trying to control what others thought about me. I let what one person thought or said about me control my whole perception of myself, with the cognitive therapy I’ve been doing this past month I’ve learned to calm myself down and not think about what other people think of me. because those people don’t matter. They are just one person. It was said best this way “You have 86,400 dollars and someone steals 10. Do you throw the other 86,390 dollars away? No you keep it and shrug it off because you still have 86,390 dollars.” you have 86,400 seconds in every since day. if someone disturbs me by saying something hateful to me and steals 10 seconds of my time I’m not going to wallow in self hatred or pity because of what someone else thinks. I know I have a long way to go on my self restoration journey but I’m truly happy and amazed at how life changing this DBT has been for me. I’ve spent so many years hating myself for someone else hating me or even just thinking less or me in an instant. Its not my duty to please people. It’s mind blowing that I've shed tears thinking i wasn't good enough for myself when I knew deep down that I’m a beautiful girl in many more ways than one. There are ugly people in the world and I should be grateful I’m not one of them. instead of damning the moon I should be counting my lucky stars. I’ve struggled thinking I weighed too much when women literally have plastic surgery to get a body shape like mine. Whether I want to be flabby or toned is totally my choice. So I needn’t beat myself up for eating that extra muffin or having more Ice cream than i should have just because someone gets mad at me and all of a sudden decides I’m a “fat bitch”. I’m learning so much. I’m also learning not to feed people what they want to hear. If I don’t think they are pretty I wont tell them they are. If i don’t think they are nice. I wont tell them they are. I’ve always fed people lies to make them feel better because I want everyone to feel better. but again that’s not my duty. I wont go out of my way to tell those people they are ugly or mean though. that’s not my job either. just because I’m on good terms with someone or even friends doesn’t mean I have to fill their head up with things they would want to hear. I know the woman I’m capable of being and I’m ready to show the world I’m not afraid of being her. because she’s lovely and needed and whether you agree with me on the matter is none of my business. Another day another lesson. Life goes on. No more fake shit.
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k-s-m-o-blog · 4 years
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Okay
I’ve decided not to get on here for my cleanse either.
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k-s-m-o-blog · 4 years
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Day 1 Overall
Today I started out on the ball. I started out feeling like I was ready to take on ALL of my issues on day one. Well I overloaded. I plopped right on my ass. Focusing on my physical body too much and wore myself out with blisters on my feet and dug in court papers until my head spun. Finding out information about the person I thought was the closest to me making him feel like a stranger to me. I thought I needed to know his legal stance. I thought he volunteered. Thought he wanted to. No.. Lies. He has to. I thought we were gonna work on ourselves. I find me and be the you first met and youd come back the brilliant man I learned to love so quickly again... But you dont WANT to be him. Their forcing you. And we both know thats not how it works. I literally lost my mind behind you leaving on day one and you spewed promises of change and how you were going for me and our family....but youre only going for the fucking judge. Great expectations.
Day one. I learned hold no expectations from anyone. Everyone is fucking fake. I put myself out there so much and try so hard to please people. But today i saw your true lies. Im too open. And I am not willing to be disturbed by it. I am just going to wait and work on myself. And hopefully you figure out that you need to do some soul searching too.
I'll always love you but i wont need you forever. And wanting you is taking its toll on me. I pray you wake up and change before I do and decide im completely done.
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k-s-m-o-blog · 4 years
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k-s-m-o-blog · 4 years
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Unf*ck yourself, get out of your mind and into life
3 chapters into this and I'm addicted. I never noticed how the cognitive part of your thinking effects so much of your life. Starting Dialectic Behavioural Therapy has been interesting to say the least. The little things I do have much bigger reasons than I thought they did. Being off of social media is harder to me because I want people to see how my life is going and im so wide open with what I post because I dont care whether people know if I'm struggling, poor, bad off. I just want people to see me. Its almost as if I'm telling people "take me as i am! Im broken but just accept me!" Acceptance. Thats all ive ever wanted. Which anyone with BPD would understand. Im so affraid of being abandon by anyone. Im scared someone will replace me or not think im good enough because I think everyone thinks like me. Because i think im not good enough and i replace people. Its so easy to see but hard to accept. I know my worth. I know im good enough but convincing me of that in a moment of doubt is like moving a mountain with the wind. Impossible. I wake up thinking "I dont want to get up today is going to drag ass and be boring!" So automatically my mind is searching for every way my prediction will be right. Instead i should wake up and think " today is going to be lovely and no matter what comes my way I will over come it." As spongebob would say " IM READY!" lol. And its not that hard to do. Wake up and have one positive thought before starting your day. Its amazing the difference you can see. I was eager and willing at 5 am today and ive gotten my whole check list done by 10 AM. Not that it was a huge list or an impossible amount of things to get done the point is i was excited and willing to get it all done so i did. The man who thinks life is unfair focuses on what makes life unfair and falls short whereas the man who thinks success is just around the corner is so excited and ambitious about his success that he put a more effort into whatever he is doing.
"sincerity increases willingness to care."
Quoted from the great Toba Beta. Striving to mean what you say starts with the willingness to start new every single day. Just a thought.
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k-s-m-o-blog · 4 years
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30 Day Cleanse
So with me starting DPT I am fully retraining my mind to think positive thoughts, contemplate uplifting behaviors, and making healthy coping skill changes because the ones I have dont seem to be working in my favor. I thought i had no coping skills and told my therapist so. She corrected me quickly saying "no you have coping skills chelcie. They are just horribly negative ones."
So as my cleanse will go on i will do daily things to learn new coping skills, life skills, and I will eventually make these changes into daily habits. 30 days is just the start. Ive decided to keep off social media such as Facebook and Twitter because reading things online can effect my day. Say someone bashes addiction and I get mad about it. That effects me. Say someone is struggling and posts something that triggers me and I go into obsessive thinking mode. That effects me. It could be as simple as one of my friends who i havent spoken to in a while comments on someone else's post but doesnt return my messages. My mind goes to " i must not be 'cool' enough to be their friend anymore." Or i could see someone post a general post about thinking someone is annoying or an asshole and my mind thinks " im so special and important they MUST be talking about me!" Which im just not that important not everyone is posting or thinking about me. Or even say they were talking about someone else and I know who they are talking about. That persons opinion on whoever they are posting about taints my perspective of that person even if I dont know them. I end up thinking someone i know nothing about is a bitch or a hoe because of what someone else thinks of them and im learning not to judge people on other peoples account of them.
Im also going to stay in my own lane and stop trying to save everyone else because it only hurts me. Im such a care taker of others i forget to tend to my own needs. I also allow what i think someone else is doing corrupt how I feel when i have no actual idea of that persons intent. My BPD seems to take over in a lot of ways like this.
My routine is simple. Ill start my AA program over with a new sponsor, a new big book, and a new perspective of what id like my life to be and stop thinking about what i want in life and simply go get it instead.
Taking on each day with daily affirmations to myself, attending one aa meeting on the same day every week, going to church every weekend, writing and keeping notes of my daily life, listening to aa speakers online as well as Joel Osteen, and self help books on audiable.
On the physical side i will be doing a 30 day workout plan and dieting healthy to bring more self confidence to myself. I also have a therapist and 2 counselors (one for psych the other for substance abuse) come to my house to meet with me. I have 6 meetings a month between all of them together not including AA.
Along the way i am cutting out people i find I dont need around at this point in my life and keeping up with my family more. I will do more outings with my children. Hopefully can manage with money more to go to story land and the aquarium. And also i will be away from my relationship strains as William works on himself in an inpatient program for court. I will wake up each morning and end each night without the person i depend on the most for companionship... And i should hope to learn independence and to have faith in God that i will never truly be alone for i have God and my beautiful children.
Ive chosen only to use Tumblr for journaling my journey and for no use of entertainment. I won't be posting or searching for things. My focus is on myself and my pessimistic way of life being turned around for the better.
I start with a new sober date for my own reasoning. Not of drug use but of negative lifestyle. October will hold a whole new meaning next year for me as we have decided to have our wedding on my fathers birthday in the year of 2020. The year he would make 53 and 12 days shy of him being taken from this world for 6 whole years. I am incredibly excited as I know that I am finally willing to let go of my old life, past grudges, and move forward with my life.
More later.
Xoxo,
Chels
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k-s-m-o-blog · 4 years
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Teenage bride with a baby inside getting high on information.
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k-s-m-o-blog · 4 years
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Traumatized
You scream don’t look. You scream don’t touch. What have they done? What have I not? Because every time I think about your voice I start to tremble; my heart starts breaking. She sits alone, tries to adjust. She cries please let me go I won’t tell anyone. You scream don’t look. Please GOD don’t touch. You scream don’t look. You scream don’t touch. What have they done? What have I not? Oh god please help us.
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k-s-m-o-blog · 4 years
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The feels
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Everything
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k-s-m-o-blog · 4 years
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k-s-m-o-blog · 4 years
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why am i so hard to love?
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k-s-m-o-blog · 4 years
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k-s-m-o-blog · 5 years
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She's beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego and
Her killer instinct tells her to beware of evil men
That’s what you get for falling again
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k-s-m-o-blog · 5 years
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Dancing with the Devil pt2
She danced with the devil on a daily bases and she loved it. She just wanted to forget. Forget everything. Her shaking hands and trembling fingers make it troublesome for her to untie the small bag that contained her favorite demon in it. Becoming inpatient with herself she pulled it to her teeth and ripped it clean open careful not to drop any pieces. She walked back over to where her backpack laid in the floor and took a seat next to it and began her voodoo like ritual. She dropped the chunk into the spoon and squirted the contaminated water on top of it and began breaking it down with the plunger from the syringe. She mixed it in until the tainted water was now the color of wet sand and that anxious ball of excitement began to build up in her stomach again. It was coming. She was closer. She flicked the lighter and held it under the spoon, heating the sweet poison up until it was good and hot, breaking up the chunks she may have not smashed well enough. Closer, she thought. She bit the cotton off the cotton swab and balled it up between her fingers that were shaking even more now. Her excitement consumed her. She nibbled bottom lip until she taster blood then ran over the wound with her tongue again and again. She dropped the ball of cotton into the liquid and watched as it absorbed the brown coloring into its thread. Closer. She sniffled and wiped he nose on her sleeve taking in another deep breath holding it in once more then releasing it slowly. Her sweating intensified and the cramps in her stomach and legs made her groan in pain. She stuck the needle into the cotton and pulled the plunger back and watched as the barrel filled 10 cc’s, 20 cc’s, all the way to 50. Her lips pursed and she held it up to her face examining it. Needle up she began tapped the side of it, watching as the air bubbles formed a pocket at the top of the syringe. Her lips pursed and she pushed the plunger in, releasing the air that was seconds ago concealed inside. She reached for the shoe string and pulled her sleeve up as high as it would go. The end was looped into a noose that she slid her arm into then she wrapped it as tight as she could around her upper arm. She then began searching her arm for the perfect one. She was covered in bruises, with scars in spots that held veins that had colapsed and were no longer of use to her. They all seemed to be gone. She began to search her hand that was riddled in fresh puncture wounds from recent times she had performed her daily ritual. Her arm began to swell from lack of blood flow when it popped out. She had found it. She found the answer to her problems. She pressed to needle to her skin above the vein and drove the dull needle head into her skin. Blood pushed ever so gently back into the barrel or the syringe and she pulled the plunger back watching it fill with blood. She had registered the vein and knew she was inside. She pushed and watched as the bloody mixture disappeared into her arm. She unwrapped her ram then pulled the needle out and within seconds the cold she felt moments before turned into warmth all over her body. She unclenched her jaw and every muscle in her body at the same time as she began to get a light pins and needles effect on her face and neck. Euphoria had taken over and the sick feeling in her stomach went away slowly but surely. Instant relief filled her body, filled her soul. She licked the blood off her hand and put all of her tools back in their case and shoved in back into her dirty little backpack. Her eyes began to drop and her vision blurred slightly as she stood up and walked over to the sink. She stared into the cracked mirror right above it looking into her own eyes. Her pupals were pin sized but she felt as if she could see everything the world had to offer in that moment. With a sigh of relief she walked over the her bag, picked it up off the ground, and drew the strings back as tight as she could. As she headed for the door and whispered to herself “I’m free of the sickness”. All along knowing she was a prisoner for life to the needle.
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k-s-m-o-blog · 5 years
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Dancing with the Devil
Rain fell fiercely that june 7th evening. The wind howled, picking up trash and debris scattered along the streets of the city falling back to the ground whenever the wind settled. It was cold and the skies were black. The storm brewed as if God were mad, allowing the weather to show his rage to the city the storm engulfed. Her hands shook as she grasped the handle to the gas stations bathroom just around back of the building, hidden from the streets and the eyes she feared were watching. With all her might she pushed the steel door open seeking refuge just for a while. She staggered inside the single person bathroom and struggled to close the door back sealing her inside. Safe from the storm but not from herself. Her hands were still pressed against the door as she sank to the ground to the dirt stained floor. The room was filthy and smelled of piss but she barely noticed. She was just releved she had found a place she could be alone to chase the the sickness away. She pulled the the backpack from her shoulder and slung it into her lap pulling at the draw strings eagerly to get inside the filthy dirt stained bag. She was freezing cold even shaking but not from the rain. It was a non chilling cold that happened every 6 to 8 hours when she couldn’t obtain the medicine she needed to fight the sickness. Rain and sweat mixed together began to drip from her brow as she searched the bag anxiously, hands shaking, for her little black box that cured her ever single time. Finally finding it her eyes filled with desire as she pulled it from her bag and toss the bag to the side. She was only 21 but she knew this routine all too well and had done it daily since the day she learned about it at the tender age of 16. Her hands shook as locates the zipper and tugged it hard unzipping the fabric covered box. She used to carry art supplies inside it, now she carried a supplies of a completely different kind. Her stomach grew right with anticipation to get the act done and over with so she could feel the warmth running through her body and heave the sigh of relief she always did which the ritual was done. She sniffled, wiping her nose then pulled the top open. Inside lay her medicine, her cure, her God and her mouth solvated as she gazed upon the holdings of the little black box. A lighter, a spoon, cotton swabs, a shoe lace, an insulin syringe, and a bag tied off filled with a brown clump of solidified powder inside. All different items with different used alone, but together them meant freedom for her; they meant release from all her building problems. Her eyes lit up as she grabbed every item and stood up heading towards the sink. The spoon was blackened at the bottom a reminder for every time she had been cured. She turned the faucet handle loose expecting water to run freely but there was nothing. She felt the air stop in her throat and held it there as tears began to well in her eyes. What now, she thought. No water, no medicine, no cure, no nothing. She sniffled again wiping her nose once more. Feelings of discourage and anger started welling up inside her chest and that anxious feeling grew. She felt all happiness leave her soul, that is, until she noticed the toilet just a few feet from the sink and her. She didn’t even think twice about it. She walked toward the porcelain bowl, dug out the syringe, removed the orange cap, and drew up 50 cc’s of water not taking care to the fact that there was a greenish gray ring where the water stopped, stain marks along the bottom, and pieces of unknown substances floating at the top of the water. What did it matter to her? She filled herself with poison every single day. She had had infection after infection from using tainted needles, caught cotton fever because a strand of cotton had been suck up into the syringe and flushed into her vein, she had caught diseases, and lived on the streets since the day she could legally leave home without her parents calling the police and calling her in as a runaway. She didn’t care about anything anymore.
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k-s-m-o-blog · 5 years
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Biting the bullet
My insurance dropped me and my husbands doesnt take over for 2 more months which means when i give birth my child will be without any form of insurance if ahe comes bwfore his is active. How is this possible? Why would they do this to me at this timw in my life? Im so stressed. All of my childs hospital bills will have to come out of pocket now.... And i just cant afford it. God forbid she come early and have to spend time in the NICU. I just could afford it. Ive put myself on full restricted bed rest because i cannot chance that. I cannot chance her coming early or pay the fees if she does. I feel like i just can't win. I'm losing me everloving mind. My prayers seem so go unanswered but i continue to pray everyday. I cannot lose faith. I cannot lose my hope either. The lord is my Shepard and I am his sheep. Please pray for me baby girl and our family.
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