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krs724490 · 2 days
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krs724490 · 7 days
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3.21.2024
I can't put my finger on it. it was an energetic thing. he made me feel that I have the problems to fix and although with his words he said he will work on it, it still seems he doesn't believe he can do wrong. it felt condescending. it didn't feel like he was with me in it, it felt like he was patting my head saying "there there, yes you will figure it out" but it didn't feel like he actually cared. I dont know. Its hard being a woman and feeling it all. because how can I prove that this is how he actually feels? with his words he said the right thing, but his energy was very unemotional. energetically he didn't feel with me. this is an inkling of something and I'm not sure its something to be
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krs724490 · 10 days
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3.18.2024
finding the words to tell you. only typing can keep up with the pace of the thoughts, the ideas, the possible words to tell you. I went to breathwork last night and my first few thoughts were of you. An odd way to frame it, but it came about when I pictured laying down to go to bed at night. When your head hits the pillow, what do you want to feel like? When you lay down, do you feel satisfied, accomplished, whole, fulfilled? I know I'm not super open with you about the nitty gritty of my food stuff because I dont feel you need the full depth of it, its not really something you would ever be able to understand. I would say, while struggling with this eating thing, 9 times out of 10 for the past few years, my head would hit the pillow very ashamed, fearful, exhausted, uncomfortable, upset, frustrated. and during breathwork I pictured my head hitting the pillow and feeling fulfilled, content, whole. and I realized you were there laying next to me when my head hit the pillow. and we were lying in the same energy. you were going to bed equally feeling satisfied, like whatever you did that day you were living up to your full potential. and the reason why we were both able to lay in that fulfilled energy is because we were working to match one another. you are a good person and that makes me want to be a good person. I feel that when you go to bed at night you deserve to sleep next to someone who is equally grabbing life by the balls. so I guess I just want to express my gratitude. thank you for being amazing in the most genuine of ways because it touches a place in me that wants to feel equally confident. he deserves someone that lies next to him feeling like they are operating at a fulfilling level, maximizing their potential.
that's not to say that I'm not there. I am doing the best with the lessons and the opportunities I have in front of me now. but I am working through this whole process so that I can lie next to him feeling this way. being the partner I want to be for him. he inspires me to fight the fight. the one that is real in my world right now.
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krs724490 · 16 days
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3.12.2024
eat until the ice cream is level. just a few more chocolate chips and chunks of peanut butter. when I finish the visible ones, I will put the container back. shame. shame shame. and you thought you might lose weight? think again. this one little bought will cost ya 5 lbs. and if you do it again tomorrow?! shit. were in for it. watch your damn self. your boyfriend is perfect and wonderful and if you gain weight he will leave you. he will find someone more attractive. he will think that you are broken. pressure. pressure to figure it out. pressure to apply what you've learned.
lets be real, this ice cream incident all came from one anxious thought. the thought was I want an apple with peanut butter, but I dont need one. But I'm going to eat one while I read my book. I was distracted reading my book, so I couldn't take in the way the apple was fulfilling me. I couldnt assess how much peanut butter was going onto each slice. I was multitasking. and then I couldn't feel the emotional fulfillment of having had my snack. I wanted more, so I reached for the snack that would shoot straight for my bloodstream. the one with the quickest effect. there was so much progress today with giving myself grace to have the sweets I knew my body wanted and then having dinner calmly instead of plowing through my salad. I knew that was all I needed tonight and yet there was still 3 hours left of night to get through without eating. and thus another snack started to call to me on the 3rd hour. this is all to be expected, welcomed. where we stray is taking the book to eat the snack. Not the snack itself but the book to eat the snack not done mindfully. done in a tired state. it allowed old neuropathways to light up. that isn't me. I know my truth, that isn't me. I know when to eat ice cream and when not to. My body tells me. I can handle ice cream. I can keep sweets in the house. I'm no longer afraid. I knew it would take getting burned a few times, but I see how it is all coming together and its so beautiful. I can see myself eating these foods out of love. I felt it for the first time Sunday. Buying a container of ice cream and having a bowl of it out of love. pure and true. not overeating it. but just enjoying the fact that I can have it. I am learning and again tonight I learned there is a piece of my puzzle that is panicking about having ice cream in the house. I totally get that. Habibti we are learning. Love to you. No shame, only love. You will continue to learn, you will continue to heal. you are the sky, you are not the hovering clouds. you can feel the neurosis losing their grip. I love you so much. You're doing so well.
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krs724490 · 20 days
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3.8.2024
anger. frustration. suicidal thoughts. the shadow. my own personal demon kali. (who of course is actually a goddess)
the weight of the fat underneath her face. she can feel it. its like she has 3 chins. the extra fat around her middle abnormally protrudes. clearly not fitting in with the proportion of her body. her thighs touch when they dont look like they should. there is an extra layer there. stuff that she is holding onto. she is a total slob. she eats quickly and doesn't care if the crumbs fall every which way. her clothes are stained with sauce, peanut butter, oil, all the things she was trying to shove into her mouth but couldn't care to get all the way in. her car is a mess, full of crumbs. she lives in fear. she is weak. heavy. a size medium or large now instead of size small. her clothes fit her differently. some clothes she has burst the seams with her new size. her skin is breaking out. she is dehydrated. caffeine rotting her from the inside out. shooting her nervous system, yellowing her teeth. causing her to make horrible decisions. she runs to work it off. she goes to the gym out of fear of losing strength or tone. she disctracts herself with tiktok, instagram, even graham. to escape. to not have to sit in it. she reaches and reaches. she has fallen so far. she is so kind to others now because of it. she grants them every ounce of grace because she too, knows how hard it is to be human. she has a hard time granting that same grace to herself. she labels certain foods as bad or a failure. she labels herself as "broken right now, but soon to be better." but she knows somewhere there is a light. and this right here is another sign that points and says "look here!" more to learn.
I believe this lesson is about caffeine. staying up all night the one night and watching it domino effect into my week. meeting rayna and seeing that she is off of caffeine. speaking about it with graham. ive always known.
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krs724490 · 1 month
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2.24.2024
Dad,
I'm sorry about grandma. I wish we were able to spend more time with her to soak up more of her wisdom/joy/spirit. It seems as though she felt ready, like she had already soaked up everything this life had to offer her. She was funny and goofy, but also very tough and independent. I couldn't ask for a better grandma and figure to look up to. I'm lucky I got to sit with her and hear her story when I interviewed her in college. The way she came to the states and worked as hard as she did. What inspires me most is the amount of faith she had, I hope I have even half that amount of faith. and whenever I feel short on faith, I know Ill think of her. Its hard losing a grandma, but I can't imagine you losing your mother. Hang tough. I know you're at a transition point too and can start to redirect your life in a positive direction. I love you a lot!
Kelsey
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krs724490 · 1 month
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2/21/2024
it all comes to a head, it always does. the moment where it just tips a little too far in the negative direction to the point where you simply have to do something. and the key is to not take action out of rage, but to do it out of love. last week when I reached a point with my eating, I knew it was time, it was simply time. Its the same with graham and talking to him about texting. he brought it up last week but I dont think I was in the proper headspace to talk about it. I needed to get to precisely this point to say it in a way that makes sense. because the truth is, yes, this is a problem for me. and we need to talk about it. My gut reaction is to withdrawal love, to say fine well then I'm going to stop sending you messages. Its hard to send messages into the void and not hear back, to feel like you're talking to a brick wall. To not feel thought of, to be honest, it makes me feel forgotten. I think its helpful to dive into my past with texting. With Collin Siminski it was like every time I took a breath, I was telling him what I was going. When I say down for class, when I got up to leave. When I arrived home. He received a whole play by play of everything I was doing and it was a weird way of living in fear. I was away at school and I wanted to reassure him that everything I was doing involved him. Like I was including him in my life. and in a weird way it allowed him to monitor my actions and approve of what I was doing and I filtered what I told him to make it seem like I was an amazing girlfriend. I was so relieved when we broke up that I didn't have to constantly check in with him. it was like a huge weight off my shoulders that I didn't always have to be on my phone. so I know that feeling of hating to have to check in with someone. having to remember to reach for your phone etc. but then I was also with Tyler. and we did long distance for 8 months without blinking because our communication with our phones was so strong. he was sending me photos of his latte and fun articles and stupid voice memos really saying nothing. and we felt connected. and I know it doesn't come naturally to Graham. I dont want to force you to have to check in with me, I'm not your babysitter, but I'm not going to lie, I'm worried about me leaving. and you dont seem willing like I can tell you have this weird thing where you dont want to do it. so I'm just letting you know were going to have to find something that works. because right now it doesn't feel great to me. it doesn't feel great to talk to a brick wall. and I want to work with where you're at and I'm coming from a place of we can do this better. CAN I GET AN AMEN
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krs724490 · 1 month
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2.16.2024
a female in her rage. I feel depressed and I haven't been able to shake it. I'm not sure if its because my period is coming but I feel so sad. I've been keeping my cards close, going to the yoga class, doing the meditation, putting all of my energy into healing and sitting in the discomfort. I feel today I've done that well but there has been an underlying layer of discontent. I blamed graham for not asking me to sleep over. this is the first friday we haven't had a sleepover in awhile. the whole night I found myself wondering what he was doing and why I wasn't invited. in reality, I needed the night to myself. to attend the most lovely yoga class. to be held in the way ashley held me. to hear the words she spoke. all I could think in my head at the end of class was "HEALER! MEDICINE WOMAN!" because she absolutely was/is. and yet my hormones, my chemistry, my disposition is still sinking. I will throw my hands up and say ah tomorrow is brand new I'm so tired I must go.
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krs724490 · 2 months
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2.5.2024
there is a lot of anger inside. anger at graham for taking my independence. for not receiving me in the way I want to be received. for making me feel like a burden. for churning up my muck and making me look at it. for being human. for not being who I want him to be. anger at megan for the environment she's created at high ride. anger at gabe for feeding into all of it and fueling the negativity. angry at brenna for the snake-like way she slithers through it all. angry at katie for being angry. angry to have to teach all these classes. angry to have to save people's asses. angry at myself for not working harder. angry at myself for always analyzing. angry at myself for being angry. angry at myself for being confused. angry at myself for trying to run. angry for feeling stuck. angry for waking up in my shadow. angry for feeling my shadow whenever I'm alone. there is so much frustration. frustration that I still have this "problem." frustration that I seem to be caught in the narrative. frustration that I can't dig my way out. frustration because my body is screaming for a break. frustration because I can't seem to clear the muck.
when I went to breathwork tonight, that's what I expected to rise. all the anger, all the hurt and frustration. instead what happened was a sense that my first breath was oddly sweet. It felt like honey. [[[maybe I've been craving sugar because I am starved for love. for kindness toward myself. I feel so restless until I get food because I am caught in the questioning of it, the twitching the being unsure about what to do. love knows, love knows what to do. its a gentle call. If I am in the frequency of love, I am not putting myself on trial. Not pointing fingers at how to do it properly or what should be done.]]] I am sweet. I discovered. Underneath all of this hurt and anger and frustration is the most pure being. I could feel it. She was right there. I didn't have to dig hard. Within the first few breaths, she joined me. She said "you're doing it, we're doing it. I am right here. I have always been right here. I have been here all along, dont you see? Your greatest superpower has always been your intuition. Not taking the corporate job, breaking up with Brian, leaning into Graham. Underneath it all, I have always gotten you where you needed to go. I have always been right here." There was so much sweetness, the anger melted away. She reminded me this is not you. this is not you. this doesn't have to be you. You have always protected yourself, even from high ride, setting boundaries with your schedule etc. You are inherently good habibti, brilliantly sane." Somehow this energy started to oscillate through my spine, rippling up and through. Moving in waves - undeniably kundalini. I do not have this dragon up my spine for no reason. the universe planted it there years ago and now I see it all coming together. I feel like the energy also had a touch of sexuality to it. It felt empowering, strong. Unflinching. I sat tall in a seated meditation, a posture of confidence, suredness. I tapped into the energy of the girl coming through, the spiritual music really pulled her out. After, when I rolled into a fetal pose, I sat in a pile of orange and yellow. A pile of warmth. I could feel the way my own sweetness oozes like honey around me. I could feel the way I am actually sweet, so sweet. I knew it was my true nature and I could have laid in that little ball forever. A ball of my own love, warmth. There were still thoughts of fear that popped up, of course. Then I had the thought - Graham surprised me 1 million times over. I thought I knew how that would go. He continues to surprise me in the way he is still here and it is still working. Who am I to say how it will all go? Who am I to say what tomorrow will bring? How can I say the story will repeat itself? It might not. Life is odd. That is one thing I know for sure. So I will allow for the possibility. That the way my energy has dipped and twirled could twist me in a certain way tomorrow that fuels. WHO KNOWS. It doesn't serve me to sit and speculate, but I wanted to challenge the part of me who struggles on a day to day basis thinking habits are inevitable - remember Graham, remember how he proved you so entirely wrong? We do not know what life has in store so how dare we even try to tell the universe what we think will happen. Thank you for this amazing gift. breathwork is so transformative, so healing. to experience my inherent goodness within my body, on a somatic level is a deep privilege.
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krs724490 · 2 months
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2.5.2024
happy birthday hot stuff :) I was really enjoying the 11 days we had only being 2 years apart, but time stops for no one. You're aging quite beautifully.... like a fine ancient artifact ;) so fucking old! like unbelievably old!!! But I'm here for it :) It's your birth-day! One of my favorite days because we get to celebrate your existence (well ya know... the day you first existed) and I am very happy that you exist. sometimes it puzzles me that you exist because to me you are the exact right combination of so many things... splash of this, splash of that. and this combination feels rare and special and sometimes impossible? which altogether puzzles me. in the best way. in an exciting way! all 29 years of existence, everything that happened in the exact way it did, has produced the most amazing human. I wouldnt change an ounce of you. you are hilarious, smart, so handsome, grounded, aware, gentle but tough, outgoing but also has time to be quiet. I'm very happy that we landed on earth at the same time. and I'm very happy to celebrate you! I feel like every time I come home from a weekend with you I have a mini celebration, my cup feels full and its because of the way we mesh together. I truly feel like we vibrate on the same frequency. It's not something I can exactly pinpoint, its an invisible level of energy and I feel like we match each other. We always talk about how natural it feels and it does just feel that way, its simple and kind of undeniable to me. Like it just makes sense. It brings me peace and I'm so grateful. Grateful for you and your birth!! hehe. I know that your 29th year will be full of so much joy, I can feel it.
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krs724490 · 3 months
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1.5.2024
so much grace to the girl who wants alani so that she can feel optimistic. so she can feel brighter, happier.
so much grace to the girl who is coming off of sickness. when she needed to be in survival mode and there was no space to reach for the stars.
grace to the girl who loves a boy. and craves approval from him.
grace to the girl who wants to be seen, all parts of her.
grace to the girl who doesn't know how to show herself to the world. is unsure of how to speak in her authentic voice. who has yet to stand confidently in her uniqueness.
grace to the girl who does not know how she is doing. when rayna texts her asking, she can't tell if she's amazing or on the brink of collapse because it feels like both. and she's unsure why the emotion is so extreme.
grace to the girl who sits in an old story that is high ride. love to her for finding a more meaningful path. love to her for still trying her best to show up.
grace to the girl who hasn't moved fully and healthily, consistently in weeks.
grace to the girl who is trying so damn hard. too damn hard. to sort it all out and move forward, only to realize all the trying is equivalent to running on a hamster wheel that goes nowhere.
grace to the girl who wants it so badly, but hasn't tasted it consistently yet.
grace to the girl who isn't content with her body right now. I understand that sometimes it feels like a big ask to love a body that you mistreated. but I invite you to recognize that there is not a single thing that has happened that hasn't brought you closer to god.
grace to the girl who feels like she's on a psychotic break. who feels like her actions are erratic and emotional, possibly misunderstood to the average observer. finally I understand being bipolar or having a mood disorder. it all bubbles up and its hard to say where from.
grace to the girl who sits in the middle of so many transitions but has nothing concrete to take action on yet.
grace to the girl who wants to drink the elixir of life so badly. to bathe in its depths with reckless abandon, so much so that she makes rash decisions, speaks too soon, acts too soon. gets so excited that she makes herself sick. dont you see that its all energy? all positive, intense, beautiful energy coursing through you? it is not to be controlled, it is not to be tamed. let it move you. let it move through you. let it make you honest, open, bold. you can't afford not to be anymore.
I know you're scared, scared that you'll scare him off. with a bigger personality, with more confidence. I think I see a new shadow side emerging of saying heavy things casually, without thinking about how much they may impact others. I dont know where it came from, my tendency to share the depths of myself. I think its because I know that vulnerability builds bridges but I also know there is a difference between being vulnerable in order to get people to like you vs being vulnerable from a place of true sharing. I'm sad to admit I think most if not all of my times of vulnerability have come from the place of trying to create sympathy or connection. Maybe I sent the essay too soon, and didn't give enough of a trigger warning.
I suppose I'm an external processor, I need to bounce everything off of others all the time. Im exhausting my damn self. and poor graham gets to catch all of my neurotic tendencies. This weekend my prayer is to be slow to speak and eager to listen.
suddenly I'm so tired. I wish we had a big blanket at this studio. so I could put myself down.
I had hoped to finish my 2024 intention setting, but I worry I'm still not in a clear headed place to give it what it deserves. I can't wrap my head around all thats happened but I do think it would be helpful to say it in a voice note to rayna.
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krs724490 · 4 months
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12.14.2023
Rayna recap.
-In OCD recovery, they do exposure therapy. Instead of walking outside or trying to distract from the behavior, you sit in the anxiety. She said while youre doing it, wrap your arms around yourself and say I love you so much. I love you so much.
-I've heard that binge eating disorder comes from being understimulated. you're using the food to find a sensation. do you feel like your job is fulfilling to you? like your life holds deeper meaning?
list of things that are stimulating: APE, yoga, conversations with Toni, conversations with Rayna, self work, planning amazing yoga classes, learning more about yoga, being in training for something, evolving my style + self care practices
-lets have a ceremony that represents you forgiving yourself for all that's happened, putting the shame to rest... me realizing I do still hold shame for this behavior. I find it embarrassing and hard to admit to the average human. I'm curious to dive deeper into this. How can I bow to the behavior that kept me safe for so long?
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krs724490 · 4 months
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12.12.2023
overheard at the golden rec center "I baked cookies last week. I had 1. and 1 led to 2... I didn't recover for days!!" My heart. No wonder. Of course. Of course I developed this brilliant mindset. To protect myself. To give myself a leg up in life. Of course my brain twisted in this exact way. "Maybe the problem does not exist within you. Maybe the problem exists within a system that wants you to believe the problem exists within you." This problem is not my own, it belongs to the collective. That makes the weight of it more heartbreaking. And that makes my healing more important.
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krs724490 · 4 months
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12.10.2023
not today. it doesn't have to be today. today you can still be broken. today you can still be confused. today you may still choose to hurt yourself and you may not know why. the rage, the disbelief. you can't rush your healing. the universe has an agenda. and it requires time and patience. most of all love.
the behavior is pointing at a wound they said. I said I know. I know it is. I have an ache, a knot behind my shoulder blade. What is it the ache pointing to? Overuse. Misuse. An injury to be looked at and cared for. To be worked out and so I know its all pointing to something. Its saying, look here! I thought I looked, I couldve sworn I looked. How could I not have looked? I think I only glanced. I knew it stemmed from pressure. I knew it stemmed from yogikelsey pressuring me to be a certain way. So invited in more love. More love here, where the critic tore me open, I found softness. But nothing changed. When I wanted to return to an old behavior and my mind was turning over on itself trying to prevent it, all I could think was more love, not today, allow yourself. You're not ready yet, you're not healed yet. So today you can. and maybe tomorrow you will have the strength. You already believe in your inevitability so what's another day?
I realized no one promised me I was going to lose weight from this. From healing. The true intention was really the darker intention in disguise. If I heal myself, I will be skinny again. the universe did not promise me a different body. It did not say, this will lead to weight loss and everlasting happiness with rainbows and sunshine present on every corner. No one has sat with me and talked to me about what its like to go on a run and feel more skin, more flesh bouncing about. To start to chafe on your arms because the skin is rubbing against itself. To not fit in your clothes. To not be able to look at yourself in the mirror because you know you've been mistreating yourself and you know you're not at your best. To hate the body youre in. I always was able to skip over that part because my body, even at this weight, it smaller than other people's. and for that I feel grateful... how twisted. for that I am able to love myself. because I am still small relative to other people. I realize the trauma comparing doesn't work. within my own world, with no other people factored in, I dont feel confident and comfortable. I stop by mirrors to confirm that I've gone awry. To try to suck in and tell myself its not that bad. Every time I do this, I fling an arrow at myself. I always kind of knew this, but I couldn't help it. The largest wound that is still gaping open is my hatred toward myself for "letting this happen." How could I let this happen? How do I continue to flail about? I have self love. I love myself so dearly and I always pray to take care of myself. But do I accept myself? That feels different in texture. Do I accept the way I got to the here and now? Do I accept my body? Can I accept what has happened? Can I accept the circumstances I'm in? Can I accept the way my mind twisted and warped itself in retaliation but also from a completely brilliant place. It needed something to help deal. There was no outlet. There were no tools. There was so much confusion, so much turning in on myself. So much fear. Fear of gaining weight, fear of not being able to present myself in a way that society values. There was so much hurt. I hurt myself so badly. The way I handled the food and the exercise. and at times, the only way to deal with it was to eat. there was a huge vortex of shame, guilt, food, exercise, and it was a cluster fuck of a shit storm that continued to twirl about. and I didnt have the proper tools, the knowledge to pull myself out of the storm. at times I could rest in the center to catch my breath, but inevitable always got sucked back in. and over and over and over again I would fall to my knees and cry out why. every day I was trapped. its like those movies where they live the same day over again and they have to make different decisions the next day. eventually they get so tired of it. it feels so exhausting to be back here. thats how the days played out. then I started to work with evie and the tide started to turn. I learned about the framework of healing that sits right in my system through and through. It is one thing to know something in your head and it is an entirely different thing to experience it in your body. so slowly. one inch at a time. I felt into the lessons. and I prayed, with my whole heart I prayed, for healing and love.
today I went on a run. I was thinking about a poem evie reposted "may we not confuse our practices with punishments, may we remember them as prayers - as pathways home to love." as I ran I just kept thinking to myself "why are you running? why are you running? why are you running??!" the tone getting more aggressive as I inquired. I realized its because I hate myself. I hate the body I'm in. I ate an extra bowl of overnight oats, whatever that means. and now I have to run it off. the wound. the wound gaping open. and all of it came to the surface. I hate the body I'm in. I hate the cycle im in. I hate that I can't figure this out. I hate that I feel stuck. I hate that I have revelations, but my actions dont match the sweet tone of the discoveries. I hate waiting to heal. I want to tell Graham that I will be skinnier one day. I promise this isn't it. I hate what I've done to myself. I hate that I let this happen. I hate where I am here and now. I hate that there is no equation. No guidebook for exact healing. I hate that I think I'm too loving toward myself. I hate that I give myself so much grace. I hate that I cant find enough love for myself to do it right. It all comes spurting, gushing out like the burst of a gyser coming up from the ground. the energy is inevitable, it bubbles up naturally. I cant help the way it oozes truth, the way it points so lovingly at what's going on.
and so I ran home. I ran home like hell. I ran home in love. In prayer. and when I rounded the final corner to take it all the way home instead of come on bitch, I said come on babe. You can do this.
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krs724490 · 4 months
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11.30.2023
real or imagined? the pulling back. real. I think real. I have a feeling about this one. I think the fact that I've never been heartbroken shook him up. I think he did think I'm a psychopath. There's a girl sitting here in this shop that would be better for him. She looks like she takes time to get ready in the morning. She appears to be attentive, focused. Calm. Maybe I should pass her his number.
I think possibly he's not thinking of it the way I am. I think possibly I am spinning around a false narrative, but I can't tell. I'm curious to see how it all comes up with Rayna today.
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krs724490 · 4 months
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11/29/2023
Meeting with Rayna tomorrow. I already know she's going to ask what's present for me. Its odd to have stuff that feels unrelated to why I sought her out in the first place. The food "issues" are somewhat present, but I do feel them melting slowly away. Some days are harder than others. Some day the scale tips a certain way and I find myself in old places, but they dont feel so detrimental anymore. It doesn't feel so catastrophic. There is more patience there. Its a very calm, "right now I dont have the consciousness to intervene with this old pattern and that's ok. I trust in the love that I'm cultivating within myself and I know that this pattern will melt away, the more I am able to practice love." that is the only action to take. there are no other plans to make. I've been loving myself through the melt. I've been allowing the melt. Ive been accepting the melt. without berating myself about it.
the stuff that's been weighing on me the most lately is my new relationship. im not sure how much you know about this stuff or how much you can help.... at first I thought this was a poor time to be starting a new relationship. how can I have the energy to heal myself and be with someone at the same time? is he causing stressful emotions that cause me to eat? I was kind of beating myself up for starting something when I need to put energy into myself, but my friends have been wanting to set us up and I thought he was cute and seemed like a good fit. I think in the beginning he was causing a bit of stress and I did get home from a date and eat an extra snack trying to process what the hell just happened on that date. and I was hard on myself because a boy felt frivolous and unnecessary. I've been in so many relationships that had exhausted me so I was berating myself about doing it all over again. but as things started to get deeper with him, he was so open about what he wanted in a relationship and asking me what I wanted. he encourages me to speak my mind and to be myself. he always wants to know what im thinking. he's very open about his needs. I told him about my problems with food and he asked how he could support me. he's been so incredible and my intuition is telling me to see it through. I just feel maybe I wasn't ready for him. Maybe I wanted to be single longer because my last relationships had taken such a toll and I started to view relationships as a burden. So heading into this felt like a lot on top of healing my relationship with food. So putting time and energy into him became another reason to beat myself up.
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krs724490 · 4 months
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I think after having been through all that I have, I've become resentful towards relationships as a whole. They've exhausted me in the past. Like bending myself to be someone else. not being myself. thinking I had it right, but I didn't. I think my last relationship was the straw that broke the camels back, I was like I can't do this again. and I went into those relationships rushed and unintentional. chasing the initial giddie high you get from finding someone you like who likes you back.
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