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ladybird155 · 2 years

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Katsuki Bakugo Angst

AU where Deku doesn’t make it into UA and his Bakugo has to face his demons:

Katsuki sat at his desk pensively tapping his pencil on the desk in his empty homeroom classroom. The rhythm was a calming distraction from the task he assigned himself, his stomach churned with heavy weight. He tapped, and shook, his jaw clenched and set firm while his eyes traced the time passing by through the orange light sliding through the walls of the room.

He had to do it, his pride revolted and barked, his very core shattering at the new weight he was trying to use to break down his walls. He had worked so hard to build them, to keep him safe. There were so many things he needed to hide behind that wall, the way the old hag treated him (he refused to be the victim), the temper he could never seem to push down (it was easier than dealing with feelings), how he didn’t need friends (those extras would just hold him back). All an excuse, all a facque, so much easier to hide behind than face the reality of the hell he so delicately kept at bay.

He regarded the assignment scribbled illegibly on the board “what is your biggest regret” followed by a smaller “can you still fix it”? He knew what he needed to do. The lesson had a different intention, a reminder that you can’t save everyone, no matter how good your intentions are. He could still save him. It haunted his thoughts, watery green eyes pleading with him. He had always swatted every outstretched hand. He knew now the importance of accepting them, shitty hair reminding him of it daily. He was merely mortal, and with a flashy quirk, not one to fix the sins he committed.

So he sat, the quiet highlighting the tinnitus in his ears. The ringing seemed the perfect backdrop to his impending spiral. The options of shattering whole or simply abusing his hands and ears until the radiating pain created a soothing melody of familiar pain. He had learned now that neither was the correct option. No more bared teeth and reckless rage, he had promised this the day he took the first outstretched hand. Actions over words, but no actions can undo something as villainous as his past. So he was left with his words, stuck in his throat a wedged angry cry trying to skip through his bit cheek and tight gaze. A deep breath, he wiped his sweat-slicked hands on his school slacks. His pen is shaky as he sets it sloppily on notebook paper he knows he will rewrite a million times and more.

Hey Deku,

This is the first time I have sat down to write it all out. Everything, every little thing dumb ass thing I am sorry for, that I regret, that I wish I could change, that I wish I could remember, that I wish I could forget. I wish I had the courage to say this sooner, I have always been a fuckin coward. I can’t believe I thought I could be a hero acting the way I did. Deep down I was afraid of what it meant, to be weak, to be vulnerable, to be fragile, to be loved. You were all those fears and faults I saw in myself. I am not some fuckin victim so please don't think that all my trauma shit keeps me from the reality of my actions and the pain that they have caused. It does not, but I want you to understand where I was when I was being a fucking asshole, that person was not the real me, not the me you always knew I could be.

You deserved a real friend, someone who could have shined your light back at them. So perhaps when you reflect on it again these things do not have the power to harm you now. In my mind I was never going to be enough to be a fucking hero and, I think, in reflection that is why I felt your drive and power was so fucking annoying. I thought that if I could drag you down then I would feel better. I know I did this and I know it makes me such an asshole, I just fuckin’ hope you know I have grown and I am so sorry I could never support you in the way that I should have. I want you to know I can now, I can keep my shit together when others win, when I have failed. I have gotten really good at it actually, UA has been fuckin’ humbling, to say the least.

You were always the real hero. Any apology I could give will fall short, there are no words to wrap up the wounds I made. I know the scars run so deep it’s no wonder they never healed right. The putrid hatred you hold for me now seems to be every bit deserved. We haven’t talked in years and that is mainly my fault or maybe it isn’t. I agree though that it is probably a good thing. I think we are better people apart and I really do hope fuckin hope that you are happy now. I mean I really, really, do because that is the only way that I will be able to forgive myself.

Every day it gets harder to remember where I misstepped, I keep pushing it down because it hurts me so much to remember, and then I feel like an ass for not letting it hurt. I fuckin deserve it. I know it doesn’t help now but there has been a lot of change and a lot of growth, but there's still a lot more to go. I just think about how I never really apologized and as much of an open wound of regret that it is for me, I know you still feel hurt too. I don't want you to think this is just me searching for forgiveness. Honestly, I totally understand if you never fuckin forgive me, that’s justified.

Fuck, I just want to say that I am sorry because you deserve that. If I could take it all back I would, I would take our entire god damned friendship back so you were never hurt I would. I know getting older forces you to reflect on the past and shit and it’s too late now. The only thing this severs really is closure. I wish I had done this sooner but I didn’t think I had the right words, or that it was too defensive, that I didn’t mean it, that you would just be angrier. I don’t know, but it was all fuckin stupid that’s for sure. Deku, I’m going to be a hero for you, the kind I should have been when we were kids. This, us, more accurately me, is what I regret most in this life. Deku, I hope life gives you everything a real fuckin hero deserves.

Plus Ultra or whatever

Ps you talk to me about this in person or in front of the old hag, I’ll still kill you

Kacchan

#bnha #mha #my hero academia #my hero academia fanfiction #mha bakugou #katsuki #bakugou katsuki #deku #midorya izuku #bakugo is bad at feelings #bakugo katsuki swears a lot #kacchan #redemption arc

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