ladyjadeblack - Tumblr blog

ladyjadeblack · 2 years

Text

I have never cried so much in my entire life

In Mourning

Wanda M. X Fem!Reader x Natasha R.

Hurt-Comfort / Vent fic | Angst | Fluff | Happy Ending ❤️

Warnings: Distant/Dead mother(mental illness heavily alluded to but never specified), Loss of childhood, Violent/Abusive flashbacks, Grief, Misguided anger, Everybody has mommy issues here 🤷🏼‍♀️, ‘Gay’(Derogatory), Overall shitty family, Swearing

•~~~~~~~~~~~~•—•~~~~~~~~~~~~• (Past)

If you cried, I hope it bring you solace to know I did as well 😂🤷🏼‍♀️❤️

Also, if you can relate—I’m sorry darling. ❤️

It was a gorgeous day, the kind that reflects how the weather should always be as the world was caught in between Summer and Fall. Winds were strong, and held a chill to them, helping to relieve the heat of the lingering sun. Leaves—both dead and alive fell at your feet while you walked through central park to clear your mind, grateful it was relatively empty as today of all days had always been hard for you.

————

"Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear mama... Happy Birthday to you." You sang loudly, eyes shining bright as you waited for her queue.

"Baby girl, help mama out with the candles, yeah?"

You climbed into her lap, a tight fit as the foot of your infant brother dug deep into your side.

"Mama, did you make your wish yet?"

"Yes I did baby, but I have to say I have my wildest dreams come true sat upon my lap."

You giggled cheerily, placing a wet kiss to her cheek to which she reciprocated with one to your temple, as the moment settled your gaze then fell back to the small cake on the table, counting down from three before you worked together to blow them out

"Mama, how do you stay 21 every year?" You innocently mumble over the end of the number two candle, your mom's chuckles not really making sense to you but you give her a big toothy smile in response to being able to make her laugh.

"I'm immortal honey..."

"What's that mean?"

She just chuckled at your innocence again, finger swiftly dipping into the icing before she was settling it atop your nose as a distraction.

"Mama..." You whine, then before you could clean it the babies open mouth was over the mess, slobber suddenly taking the icings place.

"Joey no..." You whine even louder, squirming away from him just for him to clap at the new sensational flavors gracing his tastebuds.

"Oh honey, I'm so sorry... You can have the biggest piece, it'll make it all better.." She sympathetically offered, holding back the laugh that would only serve to further your sour mood if she were to allow it to tumble out.

"Deal."

•~~~~~~~~~~~~•—•~~~~~~~~~~~~•

It was her birthday, and every year without fail you'd lit a cupcake for her, and blew the candle out, the same childish wish upon your lips:

"Please, come back to us mama..."

—

Not even a week later are you considering paying the woman that gave you life a visit do you receive an unexpected phone call from your baby brother. You're not big on phone calls, but your brother never called so you knew it was likely to be important.

Still, you let it go straight to voicemail while you let your brain run wild with the possibilities.

An hour later while happily watching your Sokovian girlfriend cooking lunch for you and Natasha does your phone ring off again, but this time before you could stop her your Russian girlfriend naturally lifts it up to answer it—as you all tended to do for one another.

"Hey Joseph, is everything okay?""

Well that's not a good sign...

Natasha's face drops, phone slowly sliding from her ear as she turns to look to you with the most sympathetic eyes you'd ever seen, implications obvious as you sigh.

"Detka, I'm so sorry..."

"It's fine." You conclude, taking the phone from her hand and exiting the room to find a more private place to speak to him, leaving your lover's absolutely stunned by your nonchalant behavior.

They've literally watched you cry over a dog tripping over some uneven cement while out on his walk, so for such an unaffected, brief reaction to that of your mother's death was shocking to say the least.

—

Fortunately for your mother Wanda was more than sad enough for you, which was more than you could feel for yourself. The witch was drowning you in baked goods, delicate kisses, and whispered apologies—for what, you're not even sure. Whereas Natasha's approach was almost worse, she was just hovering, waiting around every corner for you, as if she was expecting you to break down so she could hold you close while you 'finally let it all out.'

Appreciate their love as you do, their constant need to be there for you over a loss that was clearly insignificant in your eyes was angering. They were clearly projecting here, trying to mourn for you without a second thought to your actual feelings, without the slightest bit of consideration to the failed relationship between a mother and her whipping post of a daughter and how that all might play into the entire grieving process.

•~~~~~~~~~~~~•—•~~~~~~~~~~~~•

Not long before your tenth birthday did you truly understand everything had changed. Your mom didn't even acknowledge you'd made it to the double digits today, let alone did she have anything planned for you.

She'd been really down in the dumps as of late, her face noticeably sunken in, and most of her nights were spent out on the town ever since everything had come crashing down for her. Your grandpa Will had died a little over a year ago, and it hurt but the pain had been manageable—she was fine. Then eight months later went your grandma Rachel, who died peacefully in her sleep after her long battle with cancer, and that one hurt a bit worse.

Then as if all her grieving over the dead wasn't enough she'd been forced to deal with your father. The man who'd never been good to her to begin with was here to make life a living hell. Baseless threats thrown her way about taking the kids, and moving across the state until he got what he wanted from her. Sex and money that he'd go gamble away, leaving her be until he'd needed another fix, and never even acknowledging the two of you kids while he was there berating her.

Every painful instance stacked up until it succeeded in fracturing her predestined mind, pieces breaking off into unimaginable places; she was lost and was never to be found again.

"I'm going out, don't wait up, and please make sure Joe gets a bath tonight, he stinks."

Her harsh treatment was such a stark contrast to your normal interactions, but after a month of it you'd fell right in line with her.

"Jo-Jo, it's bath time!!!"

The six year old came running to you from the backyard, and just as expected he was covered in dirt from head to toe.

"No mama?" He asked with the answer preset in his mind, silently heading to the bathroom he looks back to see if your following.

"Nope buddy, no mama."

"It's okay, we can watch your favorite movie and eat some little debbies for your birthday Y/N/N, I promise it'll still be so fun!"

"Oh Jo-Jo, you're simply the best little brother ever.." You praise the little boy, eternally grateful to him for being a total sweetheart, especially now that you're undoubtedly alone in this misery.

•~~~~~~~~~~~~•—•~~~~~~~~~~~~•

Joe never had to hate your mom the way you eventually did, because when she was at her best she'd doted upon the boy, and when she was at her worst you shielded him very well from the mess that was her meltdowns. On the weekends you knew she'd wind up spiraling you'd have sent him off to a sleepover at his best friends Bryan's.

Then you'd prepare the house for her, hiding all of the sharp items, and sitting down to watch your favorite show, enjoying the calm before the storm that was your mother.

•~~~~~~~~~~~~•—•~~~~~~~~~~~~•

"Have a good weekend Jo-Jo, call me if you need anything..."

"I will! Maybe you can come play with us if you're not busy."

"I'll try buddy, but if I can't I'll make it up to you." You promised before saying a final goodbye and hanging up the phone.

The Powerpuff Girls reruns were on repeat on the box TV, so you got comfy with a bowl of stale popcorn and a cup of crystal light to watch the glorious distraction. Even though it was already 10pm you'd hoped she'd just stay out a bit longer, and to your bitter delight she never even came home.

Come 9am the following morning though the door swung open, startling your body up off the couch as your mom came tumbling in with tattered clothes, and bruises all over her body. Through blurred eyes you took in her messy appearance, and just by perceiving her you'd apparently pissed her off.

"What are you looking at you ungrateful brat?! Go make yourself useful and run me a fucking bath!"

You'd done what she said without a fight, getting it perfectly tempered, and then you helped her to undress and guided her into the tub before leaving her to handle the rest.

You'd went out to clean up the mess she made when entering the house, collecting her scattered belongings to return to their designated zones, then you fixed her a sandwich just in time for her to call you.

You entered the bathroom with the clothes you picked out for her, then you helped her out of the tub and made sure she could get dressed on her own before leaving again.

Every time she came home like this it would be truly terrifying, because one day your actions were appreciated, other days you were a 'rotten bitch' or 'poor excuse for a daughter' and so many other things that you'd learned to block out over time.

Without fail though, as the weekend came to an end you'd have her nearly under control. Exhausted from the catastrophic highs to the dangerous lows you'd convince her to lay down, and you'd covered her with the large duvet, settling a kiss to her forehead all the while she'd be muttering empty apologies.

"Baby girl, I'm sorry..."

...

"You know I love you so much right? You love mama too right? I'm sorry my mind just gets away from me sometimes honey..."

...

"I promise I'll do better..."

You'd reassure her until her cheeks had dried, eyes firmly closed, and then you'd set off with a smile plastered on your face as you walked a couple blocks away to pick up your actual ray of light.

•~~~~~~~~~~~~•—•~~~~~~~~~~~~•

His mom's expression always told you she'd known more than she was meant to whenever you'd drop him off or pick him up, but even if she suspected something she herself did nothing but to offer you a soft smile or warm meal on occasion.

—

Joe was expecting you to meet him at your childhood home tomorrow, belongings were to be sorted, and her property was to be sold off the night before the funeral proceedings. Unfortunately most of the profit would be going towards the many debts the woman had surmounted throughout her unfavorable late life, but the rest was meant to be split between the both of you.

For many differing reasons though you'd planned to give all the money to your brother; he could obviously benefit from it more, since he had kids of his own and lived a normal life. You clearly didn't hurt for anything living in the compound with your lovers and off of the Avenger's initiative funds. Honestly though, and more importantly you'd refused to let your mother have such a hold over you in her death.

To cross over thinking that she could possibly take care of you in the process was absolutely absurd, you wouldn't—no—you couldn't give her that satisfaction. Not when all you had ever needed from her was a warm hug, and a kiss goodnight, not guilt money thrown your direction over a decade too late.

Currently though you'd been working out in the gym, blowing off some steam associated with the strange anxiety that came with you returning to that house. Fortunately your girlfriends had been in a meeting that you were 'relieved' of for your 'bereavement' which had only spurred your punches on even more.

Truly it was best that you were alone...

Your wrapped fists made repeated contact with the punching bag, muscles aching, damn near pleading for you to stop, but you really couldn't bring yourself to stop raging. Your soundproof headphones had made you none the wiser to the entirety of the team entering the gym for a bit of communal training. Natasha and Wanda picked up on the anger radiating off of you rather quickly though, and it did nothing to stop their worrying.

With a rather hard punch followed quickly by a roundhouse kick you'd managed to knock the bag across the room. Your screams startled everyone as your body spun around as the kick brought you full circle. To your immediate displeasure the team was stood there staring at you with different levels of shock on their face. Your face remained neutral, casually you'd strolled over to your bag to get your water, removing the headphones you settled them around your neck and waited for someone to make a comment.

"Damnit Y/L/N, there's no need to take to breaking my property, I already have Captain Dipshit and the Angry Green Giant over here for that..." Tony teases, and normally you'd find it funny, you would've even met him with a genuine laugh, but in this moment it's all the inspiration you needed to lose it.

"Do you ever fucking shut up Tony? I mean really, I'm pretty sure everyone here could benefit from a day where you're just not here. Imagine the fucking peace, and all that we could get done if I just shoved my fist down your throat..."

Tony stands firm in his spot, neutral face never wavering as you lost it on him, all he'd wanted to do was smirk at your warranted response. He'd done it on purpose, you needed to let it out, to grieve how you needed to, not how everyone else seemed to think was best for you.

"Detka, that's more than enough!"

"No, please do keep going Y/N, it's not like I'm the one who pays your bills or anything." Tony deadpans, and hopes that you will continue, because nothing you say even remotely offends him, and he just wants to help you.

"Knock it off, both of you!" Cap firmly interjects

"Fuck you Stark! Actually, fuck all of you..." You huff, lifting your bag up over your shoulder before slamming the doors open with purpose, and rushing off to your joint room to take a shower in the hopes of avoiding the women hot on your tail, as well as to calm yourself down if that was at all possible.

—

Not even a second after exiting the bathroom door do you see your girlfriends sat on your shared bed, you just walk passed them on your way to the closet to find a change of clothes.

"Dorogoy, we get that you're sad, but you can't just blow up on whoever you want."

Both women are taken back by your sudden laughter, your back still facing them until you're quickly spinning around to face them.

"That's the thing Nat, I'm not sad—I'm free; that woman that died wasn't my mother, my mom died along time ago, that was just the vessel that once held her, and now she's no longer tied to that corrupted mindless body."

"Detka, you can't mean that, she gave you life, she's the reason you are where you are now, without her we wouldn't have you. How are you not sad? I never even got to meet her, to thank her for you..."

Wanda and Natasha flinch back as a glass makes contact with the wall to the right of them, and your furious face meets their unbearably sympathetic ones.

Their obvious pity just pisses you off beyond measurable reason.

"No, Wanda, I meant exactly that! Neither of you seem to grasp that I'm not sad here, in-fact I'm actually beyond fucking furious! That woman was not a mother, not the kind that counted anyways; she was a selfish bitch who never cared about me a day in her life so why the fuck would I mourn her?"

Saying the words aloud didn't fix the pain in your heart though, because no matter how much you willed the words to be true you knew they weren't.

"Do you know how many nights I had to play the actual role of mother? Had to help my brother with his homework, make dinner from the sparing ingredients left behind in the kitchen, and keep him well taken care of.."

Your voice had quivered, an obvious vulnerability in your tone as your heart gets cracked back open at the mention of your sacrificed youth for your precious brother...

"I was ten years old when I became a mother, I was only fucking ten when my brother cried out for his mama and I couldn't even cry out myself because there was no one there to hold me while I did."

The anger rolled right back through you though as you remember what the women before you are trying to say in such little words. As if you're meant to feel anymore sympathy for the woman who made every wrong choice possible, that abundant well had run dry long ago.

"You will never know what it's like to have a mother that despised you for looking too much like the father she herself took back every time. To know that no matter what you did it would never be enough for her, that you somehow weren't enough to bring about the inspiration she needed to stay medicated, to remain the mother you needed."

Natasha took your words a bit too hard, because in your blinded rage you failed to think about how she never even had that chance at all. Natasha was pissed, and Wanda was sad. Wanda was also thinking back to her youth, because much like you her time with her caring parents was cut short, but where your story changed overnight hers just abruptly ended. None of you here were free of a stolen childhood, but it would be a bit misguided to say your struggles were remotely relatable.

"Now I'm just expected to speak at her funeral, and to sing her praises to the room full of family members that turned a blind eye to it all. So no, I'm not sad at all..."

"... Because that person you are trying to force me to mourn wasn't my mother, but because of a promise I made to the woman that once was I'm going off to handle her death proceedings."

•~~~~~~~~~~~~•—•~~~~~~~~~~~~•

"Baby girl, come here!!" Your mom shouts, and you leave your little brother in charge of the sandcastle as you run over to the umbrella of shade she'd been settled under.

"Yes mama?"

"Time to reapply your sunscreen little one, turn around for me please."

Your mom was rubbing the thick cream into your exposed back while you fidgeted in place, tiny feet tapping along to the sounds of the crashing waves, while you kept a close eye on your brother's progress on the castle.

"Y/N/N... Can I ask you to do something for me my oh so very big girl?"

"Anything you need mama..."

"If anything ever happens to me I need you to be very strong okay, take care of your brother, and when my body goes, most likely long after my mind bring me back to this beach, and sprinkle my ashes under our special cove while dancing around to our song. I promise you I'll be there to hug you before I finally leave you behind for good."

"You're silly, nothings going to happen..."

"Baby, please, just promise me..."

"Of course, I promise mama..."

She smiles endearingly at your raised pinky, doing her best to mask her sad eyes as she links hers to yours to then seal it with a kiss.

"Now can I go build my castle? Joe is kinda ruining the moat..."

"Yeah, and send him over here next." She laughs out at your carefree nature, heart breaking for what's to become of you since she already felt something unsettling deep within.

This pit of utter despair and darkness had all but settled within her, lying in wait for the perfect moment to strike on the prey that was her mind, and she'd honestly had no motivation to tackle it. Your smiling faces apparently not enough a reason to hold back the brewing storm.

•~~~~~~~~~~~~•—•~~~~~~~~~~~~•

Your duffle was securely over your shoulder as you shouldered passed your bewildered girlfriend's, both apparently on the verge of tears as they found themselves speechless, their own bitter losses working to the front of their minds, effectively shattering their already aching hearts, and leaving them to digest your intense traumas within the same beat.

Natasha was the first to reenter the common room, sadness over her feelings toward her own lack of a mother boiling over into equally misplaced anger towards you.

"Sestra, what's with the face?"

"Y/N's being a selfish fucking brat."

Tony inappropriately snorts, which just further upsets the former assassin, and she's quick to attack him—much like a hypocrite—as Wanda's teary eyed face enters the room.

"What's so funny Stark?"

"It's just, you and witchy here have been trying to force the poor girl into tears, treating her like the way she feels is bad or that her process of grieving is wrong. Sure you've all lost a mom, but neither of you had a purposefully absent parent that was simultaneously still there right in front of you. Take it from me—the guy who indeed did have a presently absent parent, and hear me when I say Y/N's exactly where I'd expect her to be."

"Where's that exactly?" Wanda asks, clearly just trying to understand you, having not been nearly as angry as the former widow was.

"Full of unsurmountable rage fueled entirely by her valid childhood resentments, and deep down by the hurt that comes with never getting to move past them with her mother. She's going to be angry, and she's going to snap, and everyone needs to give her the space for that."

Tony paused for effect, trying to speak to the whole room, then as he goes to continue on he's narrowing his focus to your lovers.

"You two really need to take a step back here, stop trying to fix the poor girl because your idea of proper grieving can be found in a psychology book, and instead just be there for her, because when she does finally fall she's going to need you both, and if you continue to push you might not be able to get her back."

Tony berated them with a passion he's rarely used when it came to you, an over protective brother mode was activated within him when he'd learned more of your upbringing. He'd never compare his trauma to yours, knowing good and well he at least still had his mother, and the security that his dads wealth brought. However he understands you in a way no one else here does, and feels it's his job to set the women who held your guarded heart straight.

"Wow—What he said. I've never seen you be so smart before, you did a good job here old man." Yelena jests, pats the man on his back, then leaves the room in order to escape the deep feelings festival.

"Think about what I said, because it's a short time before she'll need you."

Natasha resented the fact that Tony actually had something worth saying, not entirely over her own big feelings, but she's also aware that she had her chance at closure with her story, she now sees that this is yours, and it's only fair you get to take it.

"Pack a bag Wands, we'll give her the night, but tomorrow we show up for her..."

"Yeah, the same way she always does for us..."

—

The hour drive to the outer limits of the city was familiarly daunting, hands reflexively tightened around the steering wheel the closer you'd gotten to the house that was never much of a home, it'd been over five years since you had last set foot within the doors, and for good reason too.

•~~~~~~~~~~~~•—•~~~~~~~~~~~~•

You had just been welcomed into the Avengers Initiative, and even after everything you'd experienced with her all you wanted was to tell your mom, and that's exactly what you were going to do when you knocked on her door excitedly.

Instead of your mother though a sleazy older man opened the door, the harsh stench of bourbon wafted to your nostrils immediately, and you were already beyond nauseated. Then the man's eyes shamelessly roamed over your body, as if his nearly nude state didn't allude to what had been taking place with your mother.

The whole situation had you already on the verge of vomiting, so when you heard your mother's perturbed tone you knew this was a bad idea, but he caught your arm before you could retreat, and it was too late when she walked up to break free.

"Where are you going honey? Don't you want to join in on the fun?"

"Y/N? What the hell are you doing here?"

"Well mom, I had good news, and wanted to share it with you..."

"You have until this cigarette is gone to speak."

Like a moth to a flame you settled for the offer, but as soon as you went to speak she blew the smoke directly into your face, then began to loudly laugh at your pained state.

"Better make it quicker than that honey." She says, laughing even harder as you continue to choke on the obnoxious smoke that burns your lungs.

"I-I, I'm an Avenger now."

"Yeah, and I actually give a shit, if that's all then you should be on your way. A fucking Avenger and you can't even handle a little smoke, how incredibly pathetic."

"But Chris, why not have her join us?"

"Because Lamar, she's a 'gay', and even if she wasn't she wouldn't be worth your time, she's always been useless." Your mom bitterly relays, jealousy obvious.

"No, I'm not joining because you two are already a pathetic match made in heaven." You stick up for yourself, a sense of pride filling your heart at your show of strength.

Your head was harshly thrown to the right, sharp nails then dig into your chin to bring you back to face her.

"Listen up you ungrateful bitch, I would never have treated my mother like this, so you better learn how to show me the damn respect I've earned or you can get the fuck out of my life..."

"Let me go and I will..." You growl back, this newfound confidence finally helping you to stand up to your mother.

The pained expression your met with has you feeling guilty, stuttering you move to take it back, but then you are violently shoved out of the doorway to receive a door slammed into your face. It flies back open instantly and the only photo frame of just you to have ever adorned her walls was thrown at your face.

"Go to hell you blasphemous bitch! God said to respect thy mother, I promise he's going to get you for this! You're no daughter of mine."

The corner of the frame had scratched your cheek, while the main impact had sent you back to the compound with a busted lip, and as you laid down that night, ignoring the constant ringing of your phone, it was then that you'd made the decision that it was time to put you first.

•~~~~~~~~~~~~•—•~~~~~~~~~~~~•

You steady yourself before making your way inside to see your baby brother with a bottle of scotch in hand, and a quirked brow in your direction.

"Cheers to us big sis, I liken us to Saints because God knows no one else would've done this for her." He greets, and you find yourself chuckling for the first time in days...

—

The suit you were wearing was stuffy, leaving you in a nasty state in which you were sweating bullets, far more than you ever do when out on missions, and your speech was crumpling in your anxious hands as you found yourself second guessing it all.

"God, we thank you for the life that you give us. It is full of work and of responsibility, of sorrow and joy. Today we thank you for Chris, for what she has given and received. Help us in our mourning and teach us to live for the living in the time that is still left to us."

That was your queue, and as you approached the podium you stuffed your speech into your pocket, the bright light hitting your eyes had you squinting while you stood there in silence. The crowd before you was honestly comical, besides your brother and his brood in the first pew you'd hardly recognized the rest of them.

Having not seen most of them since your teen years you notice that they've definitely aged, and it sure as hell wasn't gracefully, and as you went to speak your breath was caught at the sight of your redheads hiding in the shadows. After how you treated them yesterday you'd expected them to be avoiding you, but there they stood, and something about them being there gave you the strength you needed to be brutally honest.

"Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.—Mathew 5:4. If anyone here knew me you'd know I'm not really religious, never read the bible—only ever had it thrown at me."

Your brother smirks up at you, happy to see you've settled on the second speech you discussed together in your drunken stupor.

"However, none of you old bats know me now do you? I hadn't heard from any of you in years until my status as Avenger had been made public. No, Uncle Henry—before you ask, I didn't get your cards signed by Cap, well actually let me not lie in a church, I did, but I donated them to a charity auction..." You watch as your uncles previously neutral expression turns devastated and you fight the eye roll as he's meant to be mourning his sister right now, not his trading cards.

"Oh silly me, let me refocus on the woman of the hour, yeah? My mother, my dearest mother, or should I say mommy dearest? Goodness that woman was a riot wasn't she?Like on the nights when she'd come stumbling in drunk after many nights away, leaving Jo-Jo and I here to fend for ourselves for a few days."

You smirked joyously at the way the crowd moved uncomfortably in their seats.

"But wait, there's more, how about when she left us at the family events where the entirety of you chose to ignore us, and were consistently enabling her to keep being that oh so fun loving mother... Being left to my own devices put me in an interesting predicament actually, I'd been so invisible to all of you that you never realized your words were louder than a whisper."

The room was tense, everyone waited on bated breath for where you were headed, a few sighs fell—prematurely mind you—as you picked out your first set of victims.

"Like Uncle Henry, not to keep picking on you specifically, but did you ever tell Susan that you knew?... Judging by the way you look like you've seen a ghost I'll take a wild guess and assume that's a no... Oh Susie poo, you don't look so well either." You mercilessly taunt the failing couple, choking back your laughter at the sight of the crocodile tears in her eyes.

"How rude of me, I'm sure you're all wondering what it is I'm on about huh? Well, see Henry here got a secret vasectomy back in '99 to test his wife's loyalty because Lord knew she was certainly fertile. So when Susan announced her fifth pregnancy in '02 I'd began to believe in miracles... Then when she gave birth I knew they were real because the baby was spared the familial nose..."

"Hey! Get the hell off that podium, you're a disgrace to this nation, and also this family.." Uncle Phil shouts, and your face lights up at his interruption which leaves the old bag feeling unsettled as he saw the glint in your eyes.

"Oh my gosh, do you guys hear that? Don't you worry Uncle Phil, I didn't forget about you..."

You pressed a button on your phone to play out a faux ringtone, then with enthusiasm you picked it up, and shared a whispered conversation with yourself.

"Congratulations seem to be in order everyone! Maury just called, and it turns out you are in fact the father of a twenty year old boy who's been lied to all his life! Honey, get used to it, this family is full of nothing else."

"You stupid bitch, you're not welcome here!"

"Mom? Sometimes it's like I can still hear your voice... It's a bit deeper this time around though, death really fucked you up huh?"

"Aunt Melissa, careful who you laugh at..." You quip, and the woman settles in her seat fast.

With quick succession you continued to list off bond breaking secrets, dodging the candelabra with ease, and to your total delight little fights began to break out all around the church.

"Well, this has been so much fun, but it seems I must get going now. I'll make sure when I write my tell-all to send you all a copy with all the remaining secrets I'd been unable to expose."

You make direct eye contact with the pastor who'd looked as if he'd finally met his God, so you send him a wink before you dramatically flip off the stage, landing in your girlfriends go to pose in front of your giggling nieces.

"I love you..." Jo whispers in your ear as he pulls you into a tight embrace.

"I love you too Jo-Jo..."

"Are you sure you want to do this all alone?" He asks before releasing you to scoop his kids up and you help him to get them out of the church safely and into his car.

"Yeah, I have this hunch that I'll be just fine..."

—

You'd been able to rent the beach out for only an hour, but you didn't even think you'd need all that much time to scatter her ashes anyway. Once you hiked your way over to the cove you perched the box that held what remained of her on top of a rock, the same exact one she used to sit on with you for hours on end for the first eight years of your life.

With your phone in your back pocket you'd pressed play on your playlist, queueing up your mom's song: "I Hope You Dance." As the music bounced off the walls of the enclosed rock your heart began to beat out of rhythm, and all the pain you'd successfully shoved down deep overtook the anger you'd used to mask it.

"God forbid love ever leave you empty handed. I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean, whenever one door closes I hope one more opens, promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance, and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance..."

"You always called me an emotionless bitch when you were on a roll and I wouldn't react; little did you know there was never a night spent where I didn't cry myself to sleep in that wretched house." You bitterly chuckle out, stray tears falling against your will but you pay them no mind as you scoop your gloved hand into the box of her ashes and throw a bit of her into the wind.

"On the nights when you'd be gone, and I had the house to myself I'd just scream out for you. Pleading for you to come hold me, to love me. Over time though I stopped crying out for you. I've already mourned your loss along time ago, so it feels weird for me to be here now, still giving you more than you ever gave to me, but I know now that's what you'd expected of me."

"You'd known it was coming and did nothing to stop it, you placed the responsibility on my shoulders at eight and I was none the wiser. You were just as selfish then as you were until your final breath, you just did it with a smile for awhile so I never saw the clear signs of you slipping away, not that I'd have understood."

You stop talking for a moment, reaching into your bag you pull out a shovel from your childhood, then you scooped a sizable chunk of ashes out of the box. Staring at it you planned to just let it slowly glide off into the water below, but a sudden wave of resentment hits you and you throw the filled plastic at the wall with an angered screech.

"Fuck, I fucking hate you for doing this to me! Forcing me to grow up so young, and leaving me to figure out how to navigate through life. You left me all alone; I had no one to talk to when I started my first period, and had questions. No one to process my confusing emotions with after I shared my first kiss with someone, or for when I spent years struggling with my sexuality, no one there to comfort me through my first heartbreak—which if you're wondering what that was it was watching as you became a stranger." You seethed, and with every point you made you slammed another handful of her ashes into the water, and watched through clouded eyes as she was slowly washed away, and you'd honestly take this over Fury's mandated therapy any day.

"The only thing you taught me was that nobody stays, and that pain is inevitable. I spent so many years looking for a mother's love that I allowed the worst kinds of people to hold my heart, but you need to know that you didn't break me like you thought. I'm not alone like you said I'd be, in fact I have two wonderful women who have loved me in ways I'd never thought possible. I'm finally happy, and this whole dying suddenly thing you pulled isn't going to take that away from me!"

Your flashes of anger suddenly fade, and instead your filled with this sudden, uneasy pit of despair that threatens to swallow you whole; every crack in your heart that you'd spent years filling were burst wide open at the seams.

"What I fucking hate the most though is that no matter how hard I try to stop, I can't stop loving you. You were once so good to me, before Joseph came along, and for a little while after, and my foolish, childish heart clings to those memories of the happier days..." You start out screaming, but then you settled, releasing a long breathe before going on further.

"It took me along time to forgive you mama, but I'd finally done it, I even had plans to see you soon, because believe it or not leaving you behind was truly the hardest thing I'd ever done. I felt this overwhelming guilt surge through me that night, it was so fucking painful to see the feelings of betrayal behind your gaze, and if I'm honest a bit unfair. I could see ghost reflections of you in your smile, or on the rare good days, but it just wasn't enough anymore, I had to take care of me first for once."

"I'm so sorry mama..." You repeated the phrase like a mantra, lip trembling as the gravity of this moment sinks in—she's gone, soon your entire body follows as the immense grief seeks out a means of release.

You shakily settled the nearly emptied metal box back onto the rock, doing your best to remain stood on your feet so that the shallow current doesn't have the chance to take you under, though it didn't help that you'd already felt like you were drowning as you stood there desperately gasping for air with your hands atop your thighs to steady yourself.

—

The beach was shockingly empty when Natasha and Wanda finally pulled up, your location had pinged here so now it was up to them to find you. Though you'd smiled the whole time you spoke they could see the emergence of sadness blooming beneath your masked orbs the longer you'd been up at the podium, and they knew then that you were close to breaking.

Wanda's heart was immediately drawn to your overwhelming pain so she quietly led Natasha towards the cove, where much like last night they were met with your back, but this time your body was violently trembling.

Natasha saw your knees about to buckle so she surged forward, wrapping her strong arms around you from behind and without meaning to she soaked your shirt with a surge of her own tears. You knew who it was, her scent and hold unmistakable, but with your eyes closed and the sudden breeze you'd pretended for just a moment that it was your mom keeping true to her word.

"Shh, detka... We're here, just let it out."

"Natty, it hurts... It hurts so much..."

"I know detka, but you have to feel it, or else you'll never be able to move passed this."

"You're going to be okay moya lyubov', we'll make sure of it..." Wanda coos, hand gently cupping your cheek while her fingers from the other hand tap along your temple to help to distract you.

"Wands, please, I-I don't want to feel it..."

Your hands had suddenly clutched her shirt. Wanda's heart breaks for you, but she refuses to numb your heart by shutting off your mind. Instead she wrapped her arms around your upper body, and pulled your head into her chest. Natasha stayed firmly against your back, and the both of them silently swayed you in tandem, the song you once shared with your mother continues to repeat, and the gentle melody genuinely settles all of your hearts.

"I'm sorry..." You suddenly squeaked, and both if their grasps on you tightened.

"No, don't you dare apologize, you've done nothing wrong..." Natasha mumbles lips delicately making contact with the exposed skin of your neck.

"Detka, we're the ones who need to say sorry.. We tried to rush your process without understanding where you were coming from and that wasn't fair at all..." Wanda adds, while her fingers instinctually travel beneath your shirt to trace patterns into the skin of your lower back much like she does most nights to help you get to sleep.

"It's okay, I know it's because you guys love me, and just wanted me to be okay..."

"Detka—it's not okay, love is supposed to come with understanding, and we didn't do a very good job at affording you that."

"But we're here now." Natasha firmly states, body contradicting her though as she removes her hold on you to move towards the box.

"However you need us to be." Wanda confirms, hopeful to reassure you that they understand this is your loss to process, and you are left to decide where to go from here.

Your tears had pretty much came to a stop as they held you, your nervous system having calmed with the familiarity of their loving embraces, so now as you look over Wanda's shoulder you have a clear view of Natasha who's currently hunched over, eyes level with the box and a petty smirk upon her face.

"Hello Miss Y/L/N, I'd kick your ass if I could, but I'll settle for talking to your ashes instead. Even with all the odds you had stacked against her she still turned out quite alright, I hope you didn't think that was your doing, because it most certainly wasn't. This beautiful, strong woman stood before you got here in spite of you, and your ruthless attempts to break her. The only pleasantry I will exchange with you is a grateful one, thank you for giving her to us, our world would be bleak without her smile. 'Respectfully' ma'am, I'm happy that someone like you is gone, no longer able to inflict pain. Rest in the misery in which you dished out."

Natasha flips the box off, sending you a cheeky wink as she moves over to sandwich Wanda in between the two of your bodies so that she can place kissed all over your face before locking her lips upon yours.

"Amen." Wanda concurs a bit late.

You giggle against Nat's lips, and Wanda's heart skips a beat at the sound she's pulled from you, one of the sounds they'd desperately missed for the past four days they'd been forced to live without it.

Wanda's lips were quick to take over the moment Natasha's left yours, and as your lips lazily move against hers your body naturally slumps even further against her own; signaling to her just how tired you truly are so she taps your thighs and you jump right up at the clear message.

Natasha happily dumped the rest of the ashes out as you'd tiredly requested, and Wanda held you close while swaying to the music until you fell fast asleep in her hold—finally at peace.

"We love you angel..."

"So very much..."

•~~~~~~~~~~~~•—•~~~~~~~~~~~~•

The waves came crashing down over the outer rocks of the cove, your mom was eating her half of the sandwich while you happily picked yours apart while sat atop the big rock inside. No matter how much she made it to your specific tastes you'd always decided it tasted better once it was demolished.

"Honey, don't play with your food." She'd attempted to correct your behavior, but deep down she found the chaotic act amusing.

"Mama you silly, I not playing." You reply innocently, shoveling the thinly sliced turkey into your mouth as you do and smiling at her over the massive bite.

"Chew with your mouth closed you silly girl." Your mom just shook her head at your adorable little self, and her heart was full at the idea of you being a big sister soon.

"Otay mama."

Her eyes had been flashing between your content form and the beautiful sunset that was perfectly within view through the entrance of the rock formation. She had brought a handheld radio along that was now sitting beside you on the rock, softly playing a station dedicated to "all the goodies," and it provided a great space filler for when neither of you had much to say.

Her head turned to you at the sound of your gasp, but her heart settled fast when she saw you with your mouth agape and your finger pointed to the radio she'd for the most part tuned out at this point.

"Mama! Mama! Our song!"

"I know honey.." She mused, then within an instant your giddy form was perched atop her protruding bump.

She turned to face the sunset, a hand was securing your head against her shoulder while the other laid out flat across your lower back. Whispering along to the song she began to gently sway her bump from side to side, using the excitement of the song to trick your tired body into falling asleep.

"Goodnight sweet girl, I love you so..."

•~~~~~~~~~~~~•—•~~~~~~~~~~~~•

"I hope you dance..."

—————————————————————

"Mama... wake up..." Alana whimpers, tiny arms vigorously shaking you as best they can.

Your body reflexively flopped over, groans of disproval tumble passed your lips at the unwelcome consciousness trying to seep in.

"Please..." She pleads, voice wavering as she is nearly in tears.

The frightened sound of your daughters pleas was enough to pull you from your deep sleep, rolling back to your back you stare up at her through blurry eyes.

"Oh sweetheart, what's wrong?"

"Can I sleep with you please?"

"Of course angel, you don't even have to ask.."

She settles her body directly atop of you, and you decide against pushing her, because you know only Nat's able to get her back to her bed.

Sadly your lovers happen to be stuck at the compound after hours tonight, leaving you on your own with the housewife duties—not that you mind, it's a perfect system you've got here. Two head off to work, one stays at home, and with each week you switch off, with the last week of every month being for family time. Fury might not like it all that much, but the alternative of all of you walking was far worse for him so he had easily relented.

Tightly you secure her body to yours with strong arms, singing out a medley of her favorite lullabies, and feeling settled as her breathing slowly begins to even out, but in an act of defiance she whispers through a yawn before finally succumbing to her exhaustion.

"I love you mama, thanks for protecting me..."

"I love you too angel—I promise you that I always will, it's what a mama's meant to do."

With that the both of you drift back off to sleep, and you fall asleep smiling, because even though your lovers aren't there as you fall, at least you're not entirely alone, and you know with certainty that you never will be again.

——————————

8,304 Words

❤️ Kaitlyn ❤️

#I can’t rn #this was heartbreaking #natasha romanoff #natasha x y/n #wanda maximoff #natasha x reader

372 notes · View notes