larnauxous

[larnauxous]

Been a blast.

But tumblr is just not for me.

Take care of each other.

Stay ridiculous....

#comedy

[larnauxous]

Let me set the scene: the year, is, i don't know, whatever year biblical times were, let's say....

The year was negative 1999. Peter gathered with his new friend, Stan. They had a lovely meal and watched the crucifixion event on pay per view. Peter informed Stan he had to get going.

"Awww, come on, man! It's only XI:XVII. Stay a bit longer! I got a nice bottle of veeno and some cheese."

Peter agreed and Stan went to fetch the snacks. He returned a short time later looking disappointed and holding an empty wine bottle upside down.

"I'm sorry, Peter. I'm all out of wine. I hung out with this Judas guy and he promised me he wouldn't drink it and did anyway."

Peter nodded, "Yeah, I know that guy. He's like, a well known dick. He's always betraying people. I swear, he's going to be famous for it one day."

Stan sighed. "Well, I guess this means you aren't going to stay, are you Peter?"

Peter smiled weakly. He stood up and put his arm around Stan's shoulders and said, "it's okay, my friend. Fill that bottle with water."

Stan was confused, "water?"

"Stan, just trust me, okay? Fill that bottle with water, I know a guy."

#bible #religion jokes #comedy #stand up comedian

[larnauxous]

[larnauxous]

when i was a child, i used to stay up and write letters to my teddy bear Walter.

i always made sure mom was asleep so i didn't get in trouble.

i wrote to him about how i was sad and didn't know why. how i hated school and wanted to be a garbage man or a major league baseball player when i grew up.

i often wrote about the struggles i had with not knowing who i really was at a young age. when i was six years old, i wrote to walter and told him i didn't want to live.

i wanted to drink mr clean because mom said never to because it was poisonous and i could die. i didn't know what depression was then, and to this day, i still can't understand it. obviously, i never drank the mr clean. instead, i went outside to play like a six year old does. in grade 6, my best friend in the entire world told me she was going to kill herself that summer. she gave a date, and a teddy bear bank she told me to smash on that day. when the day arrived, i sat in the dark on my bed all day. i thought about telling someone. my mom. her mom. calling her house. going there. but, i did nothing. i didn't understand why, or the reality of the situation, i guess, and to this day i chalk it up to respecting her so much that i even respected her decision to take her life. on the first day of grade 7, i woke up early. i was nervous as hell riding the bus. when i got to school, i saw her in the school yard, and that was the last time i remember myself feeling actual happiness. i still, to this day, have the bank she gave me in 1996. we love each other dearly, even though my illness was too much for her to handle. i let depression take 30 years of friendship with the most important person in my life. she was the first to introduce herself in kindergarten and we made it 30 years more. i truly love her. she taught me what love is. she taught me how to be a friend which is one thing I'm still one of the best at. over the years, i was terrible to her in depression and she fought back with more than she had. in 2005, i tried ending my life. i always looked at the little redheaded girl as the poster person of who i wanted to be. she was my best friend and i admired her. i put her so high up that it blinded me from what i was doing. i was sedated in a hospital bed when she came to see me from out of town. it had been a while.

i woke to her sitting beside my bed. i asked why she didn't wake me up. she joked she knew better than to wake up a bear.

i smiled weakly and said, "you look beautiful."

she tisked, "i know."

her smile grew. we talked and she asked what happened. i never broke a promise to her in my life, until that moment.

the night i did it she said, "hey, promise you're okay?"

i said, "i promise." then she got the call that her best friend in the whole world was in the icu. i wasn't okay.

we had a good visit. she hugged me and grabbed my face giving me a no bullshit kiss on the forehead. "you beat this down, you understand me?"

i said i would. we hugged again and she left with my mom. i got up a few seconds later to hear her crying in the hall.

i looked out the window, locked in a mental ward unable to reach her. i saw her buried in my mother's arms as she screamed, "that's not my lars!"

i then realized i had broken that girl's heart. i could not do anything but whisper, "i know, but I'm here." as tears slowly fell from my eyes.

i had gotten better. and we were buds.

i was considered family to her children.

and, everything turned bad.

after losing the love of my life and collapsing for years, she called me crying and said, "i can't watch you do this. you're better than this. you always have been."

and hung up. this was after she saw me drunk in a mall with a friend of mine who took her own life within the same year.

after that i hadn't heard from her. my birthday rolled around. i waited in bed, in the dark, all day for my phone to ring or buzz, but it never did.

for the first time since we were 5 years old, she didn't wish me a happy birthday.

my heart sunk. the switch went off.

i grew jaded about love. i grew determined to get better only to fall back.

i texted her once recently with a link to a song covered by one of our favourite singers. music is everything to us. she never replied. i haven't seen her around town, i have no idea how she's doing. it's been 2 years. i didn't ever miss her birthday, but have for these 2 years out of respect. i miss her.

and, somehow, some way, i know she's keeping tabs on me hoping I'm okay.

some how

some way

i hope she knows I'm sorry

i think of her every day

i miss her

and love her.

if i were to write to my teddy bear walter after all these years, I'd write;

dear, Walter

i fucked up, old friend.

i fucked up bad.

#reflection #life #memories #short story #mental health #depression

[larnauxous]

"I'd rather die than kill myself, i would rather cry than spill myself. As I embrace the poor, my poverty has become successful." The poet sighed as he read these words on a worn piece of paper. "who will ever read this?" he thought as he crumpled up the paper and rammed it into his coat pocket.

he entered a dive bar not far from his one bedroom downtown apartment and sat at the end of the bar. he stared aimlessly out the window as the bartender approached.

"one of those days, huh?"

the poet did not answer.

he let out a sigh and shifted his focus to the dirty bar. he noticed every little scratch and how the paint was chipped.

"what'll it be?" the bartender asked.

without looking up, the poet replied, "just ice."

#the poet #poem #poetry #poems

[larnauxous]

Warm summer day in july the last year of my 20s

I had a dream she wore a wedding dress with no make up on

Everybody was there

But i didn't care

Everybody was there but all i noticed were the yellow ribbons in her hair

And she wore no make up

She had her summer dress on

Her eyes carried a sparkle and so did her smile

She's a country angel amongst us devils of rock

It's a picture perfect mixture for a summer day affair

And i

Can't make no excuses if I'll ever see the light

Ride a purgatory highway

Heaven is close

Watch for the exit sign

She's a heart attack vision

Served cold with french wine

It's a freezing to death kind of a feeling

She's the only key to inside

She walked from living

A life of manipulation and assault

She looks good with no make

And even better in my arms

#poem #poet #poetry

[larnauxous]

i never wanted anything

give me something to care about

if the dark is truly frightening

then why is it so hard to shout?

my mind is running faster with each passing second

stop taunting me with your whispering

they whisper questions that i cannot answer

frustration has adopted me

does he exist? does he care?

could something really come of nothing?

does he wonder?

does he hate?

is he frustrated at the world's current state?

i never wanted anything, so let me ask you something

if this war is just in my head,

then why am i still fighting?

in a world full of greed to achieve wealth

in a world that scares me to death

i try to take a stand

but it slips through my hands

keep me awake

to think about it

the questions come back

and come back again

i ask myself over and over again

even though

I'll never be able to answer

sometimes i feel i won't be able to sleep again

sometimes life is so surreal it's like I'm living pretend

those questions come back

and come back

...again

#poem #poetry #lyrics #poet

[larnauxous]

let me make you numb

let me kill your pain

let me give you drugs and kisses

to sedate you out of your brain

let me make you high

let me cut you off

let me inject myself into your veins and make you an addict

let me look you over

let me feel your skin

let me counter your remorse with regret filled vitamins

let me see your smile

let me call it my own

let me do whatever it is i am told

let me taste your lips

let me press your thighs

let me blankly stare

until i see the world in your eyes

let me breathe on my own

let my blood slowly flow

let my heart beat faster

until you break it in two

...i feel i am so far away

getting burned by the sun when they called for rain

i don't know if I'll ever sleep again

unless you

unless you tell me i can

#poetry #poem #poet

[larnauxous]

in her eyes

I'm nothing but beautiful

night will fall

she'll wish me goodnight again

my ship's ready to sail

but i only see land ahead

so she cries me a river

and tells me to just float away

with sirens in her eyes

all i see is a desperate cry

we can live our whole life

searching for something

that maybe we aren't meant to find

in her eyes

i became pitiful

night has come

I'm alone with the dark again

i hear her voice

it echoed and trailed off

so, i bury my head in my hands

and wish for the night to end...

#poem #poetry #lyrics

[larnauxous]

i wonder if when I'm watching the stars, if the stars are watching me.

when i pull a fish from the water, if its grateful to be set free.

if the sadness in a dog's eyes is because they can truly see

that they're staring at a broken soul and it can't comfort me with speech.

i wonder if I'll ever heal, if I'll ever find happy.

and if when I'm thinking of the one i miss, is she still missing me?

i wonder how i don't have the will to live another day, but i have the strength to carry on.

i wonder what the night will bring and if it'll carry that into dawn.

i wonder if the water feels us as we jump in on a warm summer's day.

i wonder if mother nature knows how peaceful she feels when she provides a gentle rain.

i wonder many things as i struggle each night to fall asleep.

i can give this world my best, but my sense of wonder is mine to keep.

#poem #poetry #thought #poet #universe #questions #relfection #mental health

[larnauxous]

You asked me "why are you afraid?"

 Swim in my ocean of memories, you'll see the pain I've felt and the tears that I've cried.

As the waves keep hitting you, The best advice I can give is try to keep your head above them. They will drag you under and the emptiness will consume you, suffocating pain as it hits you, leaving you breathless as the water fills your lungs. Don't allow yourself to drowned, cough it up because your story isn't done yet there is a lot more to go. From the dock I can see you struggling to survive in the sea of chaos, So, why don't you swim? look me in the eyes, and tell me that you still aren't afraid of drowning like I am.

#poetry #poem #poet #thoughts #mental healfh

[larnauxous]

It's not easy to admit mistakes

But it's easy for those mistakes to bring you down

You can try to ignore them

They won't go away

They're apart of what once was

They're here to stay

Nothing brings joy like her smile

Nothing brings pain like knowing the pain i put on her

Like a soldier i carry on

Without a choice in the matter

It's my duty to serve

It's my duty to carry on...

#mental health #depression #hope #inspiration #poem #poetry #poet

[larnauxous]

Every night i lay alone in bed

Wishing you were still here

Wishing i never made any mistakes

And i could see you smile

I think about what could've never been

As you took me for that ride

I try so hard to hate you

I try to make you as unimportant as you've made me feel

But, i picture your jaw line where it meets your lips and it gets hard to breathe

I press the blade against my throat

Please make this my last night

And as the tears stream down my face

I break down and full on cry

I would give anything to be loyal to your smile

I spent so much time accepting you

I never accepted myself

But then sometimes i realize

The person i hate the most

Is staring back at me in the mirror

And everything I've lost

I start to think about all we could be

I can't stand by and watch you give the love to someone else, the love you promised me

And if i were to take my life

I wonder if somehow i could see you

I wonder how much you'd blame yourself

And i don't want to put that on you

As you fall to your knees in tears

When you got the news

And i know you'd skip my funeral and refuse to accept it was the end

As you lay in bed at night in anger

Screaming to the otherside, "you fucking took my best friend."

You'd know somewhere I'd be watching over you and you know I'd be proud

You know I'd be smiling at your happiness

Even though i wouldn't be around

Why didn't i call? Why didn't i let him know?

Why did we let damage, throw love overboard?

Why did two people who cared so much, didn't keep in touch? I'd have the same regret where ever i ended up.

I'm shaking during the day. My heartaches at night. I always have your back, dead or alive.

There will be someway, I'll always be near.

I'll make sure you feel me.

I'll make sure you don't fall.

Somehow. Someway. Tomorrow and yesterday, I'll remain in some form.

You're bound for greatness. I never doubted that at all. You'll get the happiness you long for someday, I'll make damn sure of that.

I'm sorry for my mistakes.

I regret my flaws.

I hate that i gave you a life, while sheltering you from what you really want.

I'll never forget you.

Even if we never speak again.

And if you lack someone believing in you, I'll be there to hold your hand.

I'll remind you of who you really are and all you can be. And I'll push you to be the best you can, when things look bleak.

You've got two words tattooed in your skin.

So, you'll always have a part of me.

I'm sorry for the mess I'm in... the pain just never leaves.

Every pill i take, doesn't numb the ache.

It just gets me sedated so I'm immobile when i think. You'll never know what you've done for me, and how sorry i am.

You'll never see what a loss you are, and how I'm now a shell of a man.

We both know this isn't goodbye, this is knotting our loose ends. . . If you ever needed me, I'd be there because I'm always going to be your best friend.

Someone who truly cares. And knows you even through change. Someone who can be proud of you, her before him.

You've touched my shattered heart. And done things no one will replace.

There's nothing left for me in this world, except to just lay down and die.

Although there are millions of stars in the sky...

None will ever shine brighter than you in my eyes...

#hope #love #poem #poetry #heartache #love poems #depression #mental healfh

[larnauxous]

Hey, it's me. I called but got the machine.

How's me? I'm doing fine.

I wish i could hear you on the line.

I heard that you were feeling low.

At the beep, I'll tell you,

I'm closer than you know.

Don't give up or give in. We have so much catching up to do.

You wanted to start a fire but your candles wouldn't fall.

You needed a friend, but were hesitant to call.

I'm not here to rescue you, but remind you of what you can do.

With everything piling up, there's only one way to pull through.

Hey, hey, i just called to say, I'll never stop believing in you.

If you set your mind to sync with your heart, there's nothing you can't do.

You're the only one in your life that you need to prove this to.

I'll be here if that is something you will ever need. Now, get up and get out and show the world what you can be.

#mental healfh #inspirational #depression #you are not alone #poem #poetry

[larnauxous]

A garage band named desire

There are many things in life that you need to overcome. There are many things in this world set on bringing you down.

But if you're open minded to how strong you really are, eventually you'll find that peace you've been searching for all along.

I'm not here to be a preacher.

I'm just here to let you know.

If life has taught anything, it's that it seems easy to let go.

But if you focus on where you're going, (keeping in mind where you've been)

There's not a mess that this life can present, that you cannot clean.

So don't let go. Just stay. Pull out what you know you have deep inside and conquer another day.

Don't give up, just give your best.

Always think with your heart, there's always hope left. Don't let go.

#mental health #depression #poem #poetry

[larnauxous]

July

Every day, you get further away

From finding that something you've been chasing forever

And hey kid, i know

Life can seem bad

But things get blurry when seen through the glass

Put the bottle down

When i first met you

You were like no other

I searched for a friend

But in you i found a brother

And i can't stand by

To watch you die

I feel so helpless when i see pain in your eyes

Put the bottle down

Face head on your demons

And slay them all

Find a faith in yourself you failed to find in god

Put the bottle down

Please put the bottle down

Put the bottle down

And take a look around

You've got friends and family

Who care about your well being

You don't have to do this alone

You don't have to do this alone...

Don't ever feel you're alone....

#insipration #hope #sobriety #friendship #poem #poetry

[larnauxous]

I like to go for drives on the highway.

I like the scenery, see a friggin' cow or two. Anyway, once on a drive, I spotted a farm and stopped. I noticed they had a garden, so naturally, I helped myself to some beans. I love me some raw beans.

The owner came up to me all unfarmer like and started spewing some nonsense about "trespassing." Well, what exactly is "trespassing?" No human being actually owns a handful of dirt on this planet. But rather than get political, I just explained that I was helping myself to some fresh beans, and the guy said it was stealing. Can you believe that shit?

Stealing? What exactly is "stealing," anyway? So I says, "listen buddy. If you don't want me to eat from your garden, maybe you should grow your vegetables in a vault." Man, people are rude.

Okay, so I took food off his table,

yes, but...

They sell it for not even a fraction of what the labour is worth for producing the veggies. Then the grocery stores jack up the price to about triple and make a nice profit.

Who is the real criminal here?

Fuck that guy.

You need to stay alpha.

#comedy #stand up comedian #rants #ranting