latenightexperience

[latenightexperience]

Did you ever stop to think

About what you were doing to me?

Or did you like it?

Was that part of the thrill?

As much as I tuck it all away in a corner in my mind,

I am forever marked.

The permanent bruise on my spine -

I wish it was from you.

If there was just something visible,

Some target to hate,

To let visibly cling to me

As the invisible wound festers,

Maybe then it would all be

Easier.

-LNE

#poem #poetry #bad poem #bad poetry #late night #long reads #thoughts #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #february 14 2024

[latenightexperience]

It took me years to learn how to sleep

Without something pressed tight against my back.

A bit of comfort that the space was filled -

One more thing to warn if safety was being pulled away.

If I could, I'd wrap something all around me -

A lump back there, yes,

But then a cover up over the curves of my side

And held tight in my hands at my chest.

How funny, to swaddle myself up

Just like the specter used to.

-LNE

#poem #poetry #bad poem #bad poetry #late night #long reads #thoughts #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #february 14 2024

[latenightexperience]

It's always Halloween and

My parents never buy me a costume

Because they want things too.

And I always hear my friends make plans,

Grouping up for parties and games and trick-or-treating.

I play the audience, wondering

Is this the mask?

It's always colder than I'd like it to be,

And the night somehow ends too early

And too late.

It's never enough

And always too late.

-LNE

#poem #poetry #bad poem #bad poetry #late night #long reads #thoughts #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #october 31 2023

[latenightexperience]

Is this the point where I have to ask myself

If this is really what I want for my life?

I don't know anything else and

I'm not sure if I can learn.

I've been digging my way steadily toward my grave--

Is there enough time left to take a turn?

Will any change matter

When it'll all still be wrapped around

Me?

I'm the only thing

I can't save myself from.

No matter how I run,

My shadow's still hot on my heels.

-LNE

#poem #poetry #bad poem #bad poetry #late night #long reads #thoughts #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #october 15 2023

[latenightexperience]

There's a certain hunger born from never having.

It sits deep and heavy in the stomach,

A craving so strong that it almost feels

As though it carries through your body.

I have always been baby in the corner,

Woman behind the wall.

Never seen,

Though I always make myself heard.

Knowing all too well that my endless screeching

Only makes the world more grateful for their sightlessness.

I can't help myself.

Hand in the cookie jar turns

Hand in the boiling pot turns

Tongue.

Destroying any hope of having what I need

By needing it.

-LNE

#poem #poetry #bad poem #bad poetry #late night #long reads #thoughts #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #october 14 2023

[latenightexperience]

I know this torment that lives within my chest.

Somewhere beneath my heart,

Strands of sickly rot

Force themselves into a fist and

Shove.

I love you,

I hate you.

I know I am looking in a mirror.

I know what it is I hate most.

I laugh, forever-fool.

Forever full of this disease.

Call it hope, call it love,

Call it any of the endless number of things

Not meant for me.

-LNE

#poem #poetry #bad poem #bad poetry #late night #long reads #thoughts #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #october 11 2023

[latenightexperience]

I say, "I did something bad,"

And you reply, as always,

That I can't keep this up.

I know it's a challenge--

You've always wanted me to be my best.

And I'm trying, aren't I?

They don't sell bloody knuckles at the bakery.

Maybe my awkward smile,

But it's a poor seller so they keep it tucked away in the back,

Out of sight.

The saddest and most secret bit is this:

I really could stop any time.

I simply

Won't.

I've been to all the lectures.

I know how things end for girls like me.

And even better, I know you can't outrun destiny.

(That's what this is, right?)

I'll sink my teeth into your forearm one last time,

Tell you to think of me.

Not even fondly, just,

Do.

-LNE

#poem #poetry #bad poem #bad poetry #late night #long reads #thoughts #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #august 18 2023

[latenightexperience]

I say I've been playing princess in the tower,

But you don't believe me.

You've never known me to sit still for anyone.

I'm the one teachers would whisper about--

"You need to watch out for..."--

But could never quite pin down.

I keep waiting for the disaster, the accident.

But the truth is,

It's just me.

It's always been.

The one thing I can't live with

And can't leave without.

(Women, am I right?)

Is it my only path forward, then,

To make as big a mess as possible?

Must I do everything for myself?

Nothing has ever just happened to me

And I can never be sure

If I truly want it to.

I've been playing princess in the tower,

But darling, you know me.

-LNE

#poem #poetry #bad poem #bad poetry #late night #thoughts #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #long reads #august 18 2023

[latenightexperience]

The sky disappears behind me,

Impossible to chase.

I am become... and all that.

There is only one world and it is mine

So or course

I destroy it.

I must.

Can't you see?

I want to say "I'm sorry,"

I do.

But I can't.

I'm not.

I'll say I want to be, but, darling,

Do you not yet know me?

Was it not you who told me

I block out the sun?

It was a compliment, I'm sure.

-LNE

#poem #poetry #bad poem #bad poetry #late night #long reads #thoughts #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #august 18 2023

[latenightexperience]

Do you know

That I'm always right here where you left me?

Spiraling, spiaing.

I call it spinning,

Something pretty, something graceful.

The ballerina I never was.

Count my turns--

See how my head snaps back around?

All so I never stumble, never fall.

Can't let you find me on the ground.

(If I can ever find it.)

I want to know:

What do you think when you think of me?

There's the girl that I thought loved me

In all the wrong ways?

Or maybe it's more like,

"There's that perpetual girl,

All made up of fiction and fairy dust.

Never growing, never grown."

Right there, where I left her.

-LNE

#poem #poetry #bad poem #bad poetry #late night #long reads #thoughts #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #august 18 2023

[latenightexperience]

I remember when things felt easy.

Late night movies downtown--

I'm surprised we didn't get kicked out,

Laughing loud,

Stumbling to the bathroom,

Empty cans clattering to the ground--

Walking through the pumpkin patch,

Meeting up at the local bar.

Simple things,

Television dreams.

Funny how it feels colder in the summer.

Maybe you shed me with your layers.

-LNE

#poem #poetry #bad poem #bad poetry #late night #long reads #thoughts #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #august 17 2023

[latenightexperience]

I won't insult us both

By calling these "old habits."

It's only me that's old, now, after all.

The habits are ever-present,

Constantly rejuvenated.

Here I am, still thinking

That I can run off into

The endless stretch of asphalt,

Live my life only by white and yellow lines

And things will be fine.

Close enough to black and white.

You tell me you're tired.

Darling,

Don't you know that's what this is?

You should, by now.

If we're going to play pretend,

Let me rewind.

Old habits die hard,

But I'm trying.

(See how simple?)

I promise I'll be back soon.

Things will be different.

I won't leave again.

Give me what you will, what you want.

I've always been so good at being grateful.

I don't eye the ocean,

I don't hunger.

I am always so satisfied.

-LNE

#poem #poetry #bad poem #bad poetry #late night #long reads #thoughts #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #august 6 2023

[latenightexperience]

I can feel myself spiraling.

A feedback loop of

Insecurity and desperation and chaos.

Love me, love me, love me.

I shove my way into your line of sight.

I raise my voice.

I demand the very attention

That let you see all the flaws

That made you step back

And me to tumble

Down, down, down.

It feels endless, truly.

I will always want that which I shouldn't,

That which I can't have.

And my fumbling, grasping hands will push you away

And drag me after you.

-LNE

#poem #poetry #bad poem #bad poetry #late night #long reads #thoughts #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #july 29 2023

[latenightexperience]

I cannot count my vices.

I am forever wanting.

Forever stumbling.

Look for me in the water,

Forever looking at myself.

Look for me at the ends of the earth,

Consuming myself.

Too absorbed in all that I am

To refine even that which I may find lacking.

(And do I, really?

Would I not make more effort if I did?)

I am the loudest laugh in the room

And at all the wrong moments.

Misstepping, misspeaking.

Anything to make it

Me, me, me.

I'll even lie to myself

And say it's all for you,

And not what you can do

For my ego.

I cannot count my vices

If I cannot convince myself of them.

-LNE

#poem #poetry #bad poem #bad poetry #late night #long reads #thoughts #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #july 29 2023

[latenightexperience]

I hope that when you think of me

The bile builds in your throat

And you choke.

I don't want to be the stone in your shoe.

When you're coming around the curve of the mountain

And you're playing all the songs I shared with you

I hope I'm the rockslide that devours your car.

I certainly had the warning sign.

Let me be the burning in your eyes,

The sledgehammer through your skull.

I want you to hurt

With the same intensity you claimed

You loved.

-LNE

#poem #poetry #bad poem #bad poetry #late night #long reads #thoughts #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #july 22 2023

[latenightexperience]

I wanted to say, "kiss me."

I wanted to say, "I'll spend forever trying to let you love me,"

And

"I'll spend forever trying to love you."

But we both know

I only hold my tongue when it matters.

Perhaps the only thing stronger than my inferiority complex

Is my victim complex.

It has to be you.

You, who failed to read my mind,

Read between the lines,

Read the room.

You who moved on

Over the small matter

Of me not telling you not to.

I wanted to say, "can't you be happy like this?"

I wanted to say, "can't we?" and

"I can."

But we both know

I couldn't.

-LNE

#poem #poetry #bad poem #bad poetry #late night #long reads #thoughts #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #july 22 2023 #not dead yet

[latenightexperience]

It's hard to say I love you

Like I'm constantly trying to ruin my life.

Looking for some extra spark, even if it burns,

Because I don't know whether it's worse

To being boring or bored

But I can't take either.

So I love you,

Though I know better than to say it.

But I can't hide it--never one for subtlety.

And sometimes, I think I might be better for it.

At least it's something.

-LNE

#poem #poetry #bad poem #bad poetry #late night #long reads #thoughts #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #march 26 2023