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Part of all the push by underserved and underrepresented communities- LGBTQ, neurodiverse, indigenous, women, minorities, disabled- is the need to be seen, heard and accepted. Everyone knows the frustration of an appeal (I was about to say “falling on deaf ears,” but realized that is ableist and insensitive) going unanswered. It’s like one of those dreams where you are screaming, but no sound is coming out. Whether you have or have had a close friend, lover, sibling or parent that took you “as is,” you know the relief of being recognized and being able to be yourself, of not twisting into a pretzel in the hopes of maybe getting a word in edgewise. Something you said or did may not have been intentional, but that did not make it hurt the other person any less. The rush to fill in the uncomfortable silence with excuses and platitudes is belittling. Don’t you think the other person is used to that? Why actually take the time to learn, understand and take action, when you can tell lies, blame the victim, or make it all about you? Real sight and hearing, with your full mind and heart, not just your eyeballs and ears, are difficult and scary. You want to hide, to cover your eyes and ears. Give someone else what you were so glad one person took the time to give you, or wish someone had given you- safe space to be TRULY seen and heard. No group is a monolith and interactions are usually one on one. Start small and grow from there.
(c)2021 Layer-Cake All Rights Reserved
#seen#heard#understood#LGBTQ#women#minorities#indigenous people#disabled#neurodiversity#relief#human#witness#give#receive#grow
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People have such a hard time connecting, which is odd considering how many connections people have- fans of your favorite band, going online and seeing a post that has you ROTFLOL or jumping up and down screaming "I knew it wasn't just me!," sharing sentiments (usually complaints) with random strangers as you run errands. Relationships (from friendships to marriages) have become fraught. The compassion, empathy, patience line is thin; one small misstep or misunderstanding and out you go, with the rest of the trash. People are angry, but never with the perpetrators. So many interactions, where there is room for openness, honesty and genuineness, turn into political chess games. People lose sight of what team they are on. Enriching social connection is literally good for your health. Sometimes, it is in someone else's best interest to keep us divided. Other times, we are in the way of our own happiness, fulfillment and satisfaction. Your tribe is out there. Stop "hustling for approval," "hotwiring" connection, playing games you don't want to play, and find them, or at least put your hand up, so they can find you.
(c)2021 Layer-Cake All Rights Reserved
#connection#social#friendship#marriage#relationship#meaningful#approval#anger#sadness#lonely#patient#empathy#compassion
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It can be hard when you realize what someone really is. You know what you should do, but you hesitate, for a variety of reasons- shared past, memories, affection. You can always try talking to them honestly, but; be prepared for them not taking it well. People rarely want to hear about their shortcomings. You have to do what's best for you at a given moment. That may be distancing, or it may be cutting someone out altogether. Being without someone is the unknown, whereas the bs is something you know and have learned to navigate. The beginning of any change feels new and different, but; that doesn't mean bad. Every word does not have a judgement attached; some things are neutral; they just ARE. In addition, you can ease in, titrating off until you are done. Whatever you decide, it needs to be for YOUR wellbeing.
(c)2021 Layer-Cake All Rights Reserved
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Are things really coming back? Are you ready for it? Have you had proper time and space to mourn for the things that are lost forever? Do you still feel like you or do you feel like you are watching yourself, as a third person observer? Are you happy, sad, anxious, depressed, cheerful, optimistic, pessimistic, nervous, excited? If so, why? No, really.... why? Don't be upset with yourself for your feelings. Examine them instead of brusquely dismissing them, in a fit of pique. Do the things that you feel comfortable and safe doing. Probe your boundaries to see what is firm and what is irrational fear. Listen to the former and banish the latter.
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You can’t always be the cheerleader. Sometimes, you need someone to push you, to encourage you, to cheer you on. Similarly, you cannot always be the organizer. Why can’t you simply attend an event? You are not paid to be “the fixer,” solving problems, tidying messes, and sweeping the rest under the rug. No one cares or appreciates it; they just don’t want to do it and know you will. How many things would not have happened at all, without you there to corral, cajole, assist, facilitate, etc.? Afterwards, every one had a great time and is glad you talked them into it, and; you are exhausted. Ditch the stress. If you must, issue an open ended invitation with a firm RSVP date and walk away. Turn away any latecomers, instead of bending over backwards to accommodate them. Insist upon definitive answers. The important thing is to truly be happy with who comes and not fret over the ones that didn’t. Untie your identity, self worth, feelings of adequacy and/or efficacy...whatever is consumed by making these events work. You requested the honour of their presence, but are not honoring your own.
(c)2021 Layer-Cake All Rights Reserved
#cheerleader#organizer#planner#fixer#overwhelmed#exhausted#unappreciated#accommodate#RSVP#attendance
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Science has shown that emotions have a lot more control over humans than previously thought. Emotions play a big role in many facets of life. Buck up, get over it, it will go away, stop thinking that way, and other platitudes, are not much help, especially when higher thought processes are hijacked by the amygdala. You may "only" need to vent, but; you also need concrete strategies to process how you feel. Feelings don't "go away;" they ebb and flow. You bury them and they fester, waiting to attack when you are alone and defenseless. Or, you push them down momentarily, and get them out through various methods of self destruction. Unfortunately, the only way out is through. There is no around. Take the time to get to know you. Be honest with yourself. Find coping strategies. Know that opting out of a toxic relationship is always an available choice. A "right time" does not exist. The sooner you start, the better off you will be.
(c)2021 Layer-Cake All Rights Reserved
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Have you not been saying much, sort of spectating and sitting in the passenger’s seat? Trying to process it all, whatever “it” may be? Think all the thinks during the day and forget it all when you actually have time to...think? As previously established, you are not alone. With 8 billion of us floating around, you never really are, especially if you want to park on a narrow road, or are looking at a specific section on a rack of clothes in the store or need to blow your nose, but; I digress. Sometimes, doing nothing helps you to do something. Ideas need to percolate. Your mind has to work things out without you hovering and listening. Surrender to the process. You are not being a lazy wastrel. You are gathering yourself to make an informed decision. You make it look so easy, people assume it isn’t much work ;-)
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Once your reptilian brain takes over and tells your body that you are in a “fight or flight” danger situation, you cannot “logic” yourself out of it. There is no one home to listen to reason. That part of of your brain took the last train out of town. Getting angry with yourself is absolutely counterproductive. It won’t make the reaction stop and compounds the original stress. You have to understand your particular reaction- how it starts, tell tale signs, what you want to do (fight, flee, freeze)- and learn effective techniques to deescalate.
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Existence is draining. As much as one looks on the bright side, they still feel the rain from the cloud above their head. Scrounging, scraping, eking by, not actually living because they are busy surviving. The tunnel vision one is forced to have affects physical, mental and spiritual wellbeing. Finding time, effort and energy for joy and creation is a Herculean task, more so in the face of lack. We are all missing out on what people have to offer because they are not in a position to even recognize, let alone share. While there are lessons to be learned and strengths to be gained from every obstacle, the hamster wheel cycle of abject poverty is excessive. There is so much of everything everywhere, yet people do not have; they die of starvation while tons, literal tons, of food are thrown out each day. There is not one answer, not an easy solution, not a quick fix, but if people that are so inclined do what they can, in their own way, it creates light and hope where there was nothing.
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Other people are extremely tiring. Something is always a problem. Dodging toxicity is like being on the run in a video game. The most earnest attempts and best intentions can go awry, leaving behind anger, hurt, resentment, shame, guilt or embarrassment. We are a social species and need other people for health and well being. One can die of loneliness, which seems unfair if the only people around are shite. Finding people who uplift, enrich and challenge you is difficult. Taking a break from time to time is fine. Time alone is part of self care but, being alone because you choose to and being desolate, sad, heartbreakingly alone are different. There is a happy medium between being around people you loathe, or don’t appreciate you, or make you feel icky, just for the sake of being around someone and being a complete hermit. Find your sweet spot.
(c)2021 Layer-Cake All Rights Reserved
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It is so frustrating being the little guy. You are mistreated, disrespected, taken advantage of; watching “rules” be manipulated at whims, injustice, inequality. If you had more money or power or both, this would never have happened in the first place or have been handled quickly. You don’t deserve most of what happens. You internalize the stress and outrage, affecting your health and well being. Finding assistance is purposefully difficult- labyrinthine web pages, phone calls to unattended mailboxes, web forms to nowhere- or cost prohibitive. There are no easy answers. People seem to be fed up and taking action. Grassroots agencies may be able to help or point you in the right direction. Don’t internalize and don’t give up. One person can start an avalanche.
(c)2021 Layer-Cake All Rights Reserved
#little guy#david vs goliath#mistreated#disrespected#rules#manipulation#injustice#inequality#real money#power#will#grit#assistance#grassroots
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Engage in catharsis. There exists some form of expression to, if not soothe, at least mollify the beast. The pent up feelings, the inertia, the stuckness is hurting.You may not have the strength to change your situation right now, but you can crack open the door to your cage. You do not have to write the great (fill in nationality here) novel, paint a Picasso or throw a Lladro sculpture. The only mandates are genuineness, honesty and joy. You can paint by numbers if that is what makes you content.
(c)2020 Layer-Cake All Rights Reserved
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Do you find yourself on repeat? You are no longer engaging enough for new "material," but rather repeating the same "bit" to everyone. With variations of when things are said and what is discussed, you are having the same conversation over and over. Are you not interested? Don't care? Tired- mentally, physically or emotionally? Unsure about the investment of time, effort and energy? Sticking to "safe" commentary? Change the record or stop conversations you don't want to have. This is not what was meant by "we should recycle more."
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Celebrity obsession, gossip and general nosiness tie back to avoidance, among other things. It is much easier to dissect the minutiae of another's life and affairs. With the interweb at our fingertips and the ubiquity of social media, it's quite easy. If you paid a fraction of that attention to what you are doing, where you are going, what you think, what you actually believe and what you want, you'd be much farther ahead. While there is nothing wrong with natural affinity and curiousity, when it gets in the way of being in tune with yourself and your environs, progressing towards your goals or dealing with your problems, it stops being natural and it stops being curiousity.
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People ask how you are when they don't really care or want the answer. Similarly, people want to know all about you and be all the way in your business, so they can judge and gossip. Furthermore, others are disappointed that you are a regular person and quick to dismiss the details they were gagging for a minute ago. I need to know more about you so I can compare my life to yours. I need you to stop being "mysterious" and open up more, so I can belittle your experiences and betray your trust. Everyone else has verbal diarhhea and spills their every thought. Why don't I have full access to you? Why do I have to prove that I am genuine and trustworthy? Why do I have to earn the right to your story? You are not an online retailer or a public facing service enterprise. It is not your job to put your life on display and/or make friendship convenient and easy for others. You lower the drawbridge IF and when YOU see fit.
(c)2020 Layer-Cake All Rights Reserved
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Your brain is wired to stay in the safety of it's comfort zone. You have to push it to make changes, and fight against it to make them stick. It is much easier to not try, complain, blame someone else and make excuses. That being said, it is a little eye roll inducing when someone is like, "I'm 5'11" 110 pounds, with cheekbones that could slice cheese, my mother is an EGOT winner, my dad is a lauded producer and I somehow ended up on the Givency runway AND co-starring in the latest blockbuster, opposite my godfather. Keep trying guys. Work hard and follow your dreams. I am living proof that it works!" Allow yourself that moment and then get back to pushing your envelope, making steps towards getting where you want to be. Also, reevaluate your strategies. The battering ram approach does not work for every goal. Some ideas need to be tossed, in favor of better ones. Aligning your destination with who you want to become, which changes, is not giving up on your dreams; it's refining them.
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Please stop explaining. If you say something with which I am not familiar, I am open and curious; I inquire. I don't become defensive and tell you why I don't or couldn't or shouldn't know this fact. If you are wearing something I like, I compliment you, no strings attached. I do not say I used to wear that when I could or when I was your age or tell you I can't because of whatever physical issue I feel is preventing me. I don't ask if you are comfortable, as if you would deliberately leave the house uncomfortable. If I don't have an answer to your question, I say so plainly. I don't huff and puff about how I don't know or I didn't ask or I didn't get that deep into it. I don't expect that you think I did or get annoyed at you for asking. When your words are superfluous or unnecessary, leave them unsaid. We will both be better off.
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