On Identity: The Truth
Content warnings: homophobia, transphobia, references to self harm and suicide.
Iāve been keeping secrets my whole life.
Iām 10 and Iām listening to my dad at the dinner table, who I know to be the most trustworthy person in the world. He talks about the legalization of marriage between two people of the same sex and asks us to consider the implications. Where do we draw the line in the sand? Legalizing gay marriage paves the way for legalizing pedophilia, after all. If a union between two men or two women isnāt disrespecting the sanctity of marriage, whatās next? Marriage between men and animals?
Iām 11 the first time I hear it: āIt doesnāt matter how low I set the bar for you, you still canāt reach it.ā
Iām confused and afraidāIām trying so hardābut I hear it then, and again, and again, spoken low in disappointment, shouted with a vein popping in her forehead, cold like a fact, and it sinks in, bone deep.
Iām 12 with my first crush on a girl. Iām not confused, I know thatās what it isāI want to kiss my friend, and I already know not to talk about it. NeverĀ to talk about it. It isnāt safe.
Iām 13 and doubting. I throw myself into fitting in. I pick the right boys to like and I go overboard, and I doĀ like them, I do, I do, I want them to like me, I want to be their friend. I want to be their equal, but thatās not quite how the story goes, so I settle for trying to hold hands with somebody I desperately crave respect from, but thatās wrong too, I learn.Ā
Iām 14 and convicted. How could this be wrong? I brush hands with a girl in choir and we meet eyes and I know. I watch a gay kiss on TV and I sob into my hands and I tell no one, no one, no one.
Iām 15 and I come out to my mom, haltingly, with the terminology that I have, because the thought of hiding foreverākeeping quiet through one more dinnerākills me.
She tells me no. She tells me Iām wrong.
I look in her eyes and I understand: itās not an option, and it never will be.
Iām 15 and I do my best to stop there.
It doesnāt work.
Iām 16 when I first hear my mom say that you can love someone and not approve of their lifestyle. I wonder what kind of love that is. I wonder how that kind of diluted, half-hearted, patronizing love can be enough for anyone. I wonder if sheās thought about how that feels, to be told that who you areānot by choiceāis fundamentally wrong.
Iām 16 and a boyfriend is a shield. The rightĀ choice, so I make it, and itās even almost fun. I love being his friend. Iām afraid of anything more.
Iām 17 and my youngest sibling whispers, āSo am I.ā
My heart breaks for the pain theyāll experience, as they too are taught, painstakingly, how to hate themself. Which parts of themself have to be kept hidden, which parts are shameful. They sit at that dinner table and hear the rhetoric that pushed me to the brink and over it, and I hope theyāre stronger than I am.
They arenāt.
Iām 18 and my mom works at a college for the performing arts. I sit and curdle quietly while she talks about her genderqueer students. Misgenders them behind their backs. Deadnames used flippantly.Ā She knows better, after all. She can be the expert on somebody elseās identity. Theyāre mentally ill, all of them. None of them are happy. Theyāre searching for something only God can provide.
Iām 19 and I come out as bisexual to the man Iām certain Iām going to marry, tearing the secret out like a bandage fused to skin. He tells me of course itās fine, that he supports who I am. Of course people like me should have rights, of course. I laugh, relieved. Later, I find out this moment was almost a dealbreaker for him, and I wonder how much was ever real.
Iām 20 and Iām out. Iām 20 and Iām free. Iām 20 and I believe, because Iāve been told, that I am loved for who I am. AllĀ of who I am. I still flinch when I hear a car door slam.
Iām 21 and Iām searching for the connection to my womanhood. Iām searching for what makes a woman a woman. Iām reading gender theory and talking to friends around the world and wondering exactly what it is that Iām missing.
What does the rest of the world know that I donāt?
Iām 22 when my marriage ends because my body might not be attractive to my husband one day, and my parents email him in support and solidarity, expressing sympathy, and Iām not surprised.
Iām 22, and standing up for who I am has cost me everything. A spouse, two sets of parents, financial security, a cityās worth of community, more childhood friends than I can count. My parents tell me to go back in the closet so my ex-husband will love me. To them, his frustration is understandable, of courseāby presenting androgynously, Iām betraying my marriage vows, after all.
I wonder, stunned into silence, where I promised to lookĀ like a woman.
Iām 23 when I come out to my parents for the third time; not as bisexual, not as trans, but as hurt.Ā
I lay out the pain of the last decade as succinctly as I can, hoping theyāll hear. When I assert that yes, to be in relationship with me, use of my name and pronouns is a requirement, my mother jokes, āWell, we donāt negotiate with terrorists.ā
Itās not a joke.
I see the flash in her eyes, the instant regret as she laughs it off like itās funny, but it isnāt.
The kid sitting at the dinner table knows itās not a joke. The kid who listened to countless lectures on the morality of queerness knows itās not a joke. The kid who stood with shaking hands and tried to bleed out the bad knows itās not a joke. Years of casual bigotry taught me how to hate myself, which parts of myself I should cross out and ignore, which parts of myself I should be ashamed of.
Iām 23, and I have finally unlearned shame, and when I ask my parents to see me, the joke is that Iām a terrorist. Iām unreasonable.
The shock of it becomes a balm, later on.
Some jokes arenāt funny.
Some jokes arenāt jokes at all.
Iām 24 and Iām learning that itās scary to be alone. Bigotry made me an orphan and made us strangers, and knowing that itās the right choice to stand up for myself doesnāt make it any easier. Iām learning the only way out is through, if youāre not squeamish:
Cut off the part of yourself thatās 7 years old standing outside of their bedroom because the nightmare had teeth and claws and they are the heroes that will hold you close and make it warm again.
Amputate.
Cauterize.
Donāt let them see you bleed.
Iām learning that the wound takes a long, long time to close.
Iām 25 as I write this, and I am proud of who I am, even if Iām still bleeding. AllĀ of who I am. Itās taken a long time for me to let that person see the sun, but here we are, basking in the glow. Those wounds are healing. I am visible for everyone else who whispers, āSo am I.ā
Your sunshine will come. Your sunshine will come.Ā
Your sunshine will come.
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