letsdiscoverkitty

[letsdiscoverkitty]

We are here, thinking of you, rooting for you, hoping that things get easier in time.

It is okay to still be struggling (as someone else who is not where they want to be), it is okay.

I hope you come back and can find support here. You deserve more.

<3

I am sorry to hear that you are also struggling anon, life can throw some real curveballs at times, many of which are not in our/anyone's control. As hard as it can be, we have to try to be kind to ourselves and remember that we did what we could at the time with what we had and that is "enough". It is hard to find the balance of being kind to ourselves but not the illness, really hard. I don't think there is any such thing as a perfect balance, but instead it is a learning curve that we are all on and which will look different for each of us. It doesnt make it any easier but please know that you are not alone in this.

Its tough though isn't it? When you know where you want to be/where you could be but you aren't. I've been finding it all a bit overwhelming recently and terrifying to be honest. There are so many things that I can sit here and say that I truly want and really mean it however instead of them being motivating, they end up being the opposite as they feel so impossible/far away, and more often than not lead to me sticking my head in the ground again. It's also like part of me has woken up in one sense and is seeing some of reality for what it is - especially how much time has passed yet I still feel very much stuck in the same position (which I know is not true in some senses because I have matured/learnt a lot/processed things but in other ways it is true). And as ever - there is no magical answer or tick list that can tell us how to navigate these roads. I hope that you can give yourself the chance to see what could lie ahead for you, in so many ways x

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Hi, another shy anon here. Please know that there are still people here that care about you! I'm sorry to hear that things have been so hard. I want to send you a lot of strength and love! <3

Thank you so much anon, honestly, it means so much. I am sorry that I am so hit and miss with coming online. My anxiety has been been spiking a lot recently for numerous reasons and one way it can manifest is that I find myself posting/replying to messages (even to friends) and then bury my head in the sand for a few days, too scared to look back at said space. Overthinking is rather prevalent at the moment. I have a backlog of messages in my inbox on here however I don't know how to navigate that/where to start/if I should look at them...I also want to do a little update so I feel a bit more at ease coming back online/drawing a line, however at the same time I dont know what to update or post/what I last said...which then leads me to overthinking and worrying and so my head goes back in the sand again.

I hope that whatever this new week holds that you are able to show some kindness towards yourself my dear. take care x

#personal #asks

[letsdiscoverkitty]

There are still people here, and we care <3 xxx

This message means more than you can know, thank you xxx

#personal #asks

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Okay, I know it's been a long time since I was last on here but WHAT ON EARTH IS WITH THE CREEPY LOOKING CLOWN CROUCHING ON A BARREL?! IM FREAKING OUT.

#personal #what has happened to tumblr?

[letsdiscoverkitty]

31.08.23

I keep thinking about coming back to posting online but every time I finally manage to fight the anxiety and make it back to this page, I draw up blank and end up leaving again...I suppose part of me is incredibly ashamed and embarrassed (about everything that my 'life' is/has been/become) whilst also being utterly exhausted and tired of hearing and saying the same things over and over again. I hate it.

This space was such a positive space for me in recovery in the past, it helped me beyond belief and I met some of the most incredible souls through it. Right now I need everything I can get. Life has been feeling incredibly heavy and hard for longer than I care to admit. I have not been okay (even typing that is hard) and I am finding it hard to see/believe that things can ever get better.

#personal #its been a long time #I dont even know where to start #things have not been okay for a long time and Ive lost everything all over again #I wish I could shake myself #I hate it all so much #yet even that hate is “not enough” because here I am. years down the line. the same old same old. I bore myself. #sigh #I doubt there is anyone here #so Im not even sure why I am posting this #Ill probably end up panicing and running away for a few more months too anxious to come back onto tumblr after posting this #what even is life

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Book: The Pain of Healing by Samantha Camargo on amazon 💛

[letsdiscoverkitty]

I wish that I could shake myself. How have I let this happen again?!

#personal #i want to wake up from this nightmare of a decade #how have i let this happen again #why am i so useless #i wish i could snap myself out of this #why do i keep trapping myself like this #my moods been pretty low #home is exhausting #im so used to running away and living in denial #i trick myself into thinking im fine #but im really not #sigh #sorry #im sorry this isnt very positive

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Saturday 1st July 2023

Hello (if there is anyone there)

It's been a long time since I last logged onto my account and I can only apologise for not replying to any of the messages and for disappearing again, I promise it was nothing 'personal'.

Im not sure how I feel about this space, however over the past few weeks there has been a little part of me thinking about coming back to my blog...Im not entirely sure why but I think part of me has been craving a bit of "community" and connection (if that's the right way to put it) as well as needing to keep myself accountable.

As a mini update: I've not long since finished a v intense online day patient programme that I was able to access for around 18weeks - it was A LOT - a lot a lot. And it has taken me a few weeks to simply being to "catch-up" with myself both mentally and physically as I was utterly exhausted from the schedule. I've been slowly beginning to process some of what came up in therapy/group/spaces but I've been finding it hard to allow myself space for that connection/to accept my reality and the need for change. Things aren't brilliant but they aren't 'terrible/rock bottom' - they just sort of "are" (which brings up so much in itself). Im feeling somewhat (very) frustrated with this endless stuckness and tired and....numb. Don't get me wrong, the input/support/therapy I had was amazing and helped me begin to untangle a lot of threads and was like nothing I have ever accessed before but I'm still very trapped in illness (which makes me really sad to type).

This isn't me saying I'll be back to posting or being online but to say that I am considering it. Posting this and admitting these things feels very alien/wrong but I think that is the anorexia trying to keep me distant from myself/remain in denial. Who knows if this will turn into anything but I wanted to make a post none the less to see how it feels but also to see if there might be anyone left out there...if there is, hello, and thank you for sticking with me.

#personal #ed recovery #recovery

[letsdiscoverkitty]

that next step? it’s probably gonna be a difficult one. but you can do it — you’re strong enough, and wise enough not to underestimate it

[letsdiscoverkitty]

26th May 2022

I am truly truly sorry for the radio silence. I honestly don't know where time has gone. I seem to have blinked and its been another 6 weeks. A LOT has happened since I last posted, a lot a lot. I don't even know where to start...I think that I will try to put together something that is at least a little cohesive over the next few days but in short: I AM HOME! and I am doing okay. This move has reiterated to me that this is where I need to be in order to break free from this once and for al - do not get me wrong, I am very aware of the eating disorder tricks and reasonings that it has been throwing at me as to why it also likes this situation however I am refusing to go down those rabbit holes and when I have started to I have been pulling myself back out. There have been lots of challenges and difficulties but there have also been wins and triumphs. Nothing in life is ever perfect/plain sailing and I am trying to allow myself to be in this process best I can (the messiness, the imperfection, the anxiety, the hurt, the constant questioning, all of it) in order to give myself the best chance at living a life beyond this grey area that I have survived in for far too long. Anyway, for now I hope that you are all safe and well. Oh and thank you also for all the messages, I really will try post soon. I also just want to say that I might take a little longer than I would want to to post but I think I have realised that right now I need to be focusing on my actions and the fundamental cogs of my recovery, which means focusing less on words/planning and more on action/doing and riding those waves. It's hard. really hard. some days are a little brighter than others but I have a very crucial few weeks ahead of me and I need to do all I can to make sure that this works/is the best thing for me. I hope that you can understand. All my love x

#personal #recovery #ed recovery #eating disorder recovery

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Your most recent update genuinely helped me feel hope💓. Thank you for sharing and continuing this journey, your story matters even more than you know!

Bless you, I am glad that I could offer a little bit of 'hope' amongst the darkness. It's been a really dark few years for me but dare I say that I myself finally feel like I can see a way forwards; that this time can be different. Take care of yourself anon. My inbox is always open xx

#asks

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Aww I hope to see you doing better kitty. I think of you a lot and check your blog.

Thank you anon, that is very kind of you. I am so determined to make this time different and never go back x

#asks

[letsdiscoverkitty]

It's nice to know what has been going on in your life the past few years (God, how does time fly that fast?) but also, please don't ever feel like you owe us an explanaition ❤️

I really wish for you that you can keep this fierceness concerning fighting your ED up (and i know it isn't easy at all) xxx

Thank you sweet, I really appreciate all the support and love. I can't quite believe how quickly time has passed either - looking back and reflecting was hard but Ive actually found it really beneficial to do. It has given me time and space to reflect on my previous traps and triggers as well as the opportunity to plan for how to make sure that this EDU admission is my last but thank you for reminding me that I don't 'owe' anyone an update, I really appreciate that xx

#asks #personal

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Don't set a timer for your recovery, don't compare yourself with others, don't be so hard on yourself when you have setbacks. It doesn't mean that you will never heal. It means that healing is not perfect, and it is okay to take your time with it, to struggle through it, but it is always worth trying.

[letsdiscoverkitty]

PART FOUR OF ??

Which I suppose to leads us to where I am now. I was signed off from work initially for 6 weeks to try to turn things around as they referred me back to inpatient units around the country. It's all a bit hazy to look back on and I cant really remember the exact timeline of things but after doing a number of online pre-admission interviews (apparently this is a thing now?) and refusing a few beds (mostly because they were so far away from home), I was pretty much cornered and told I didn't have a choice. There was one bed that I was willing to take from those I had spoken to however there was a lot of uncertainty about the date that it would be available due to them still running at a reduced capacity due to COVID and only being open for not even a year. I was beyond fortunate that somehow a bed at this unit was made available and I was admitted the next week (?|).

It's been an absolute whirlwind since then but I can hand on heart say that since being admitted I have turned a massive corner and am, for once, excited by the prospect of moving FORWARDS. Don't get me wrong, Im utterly terrified however this time the fear of staying unwell and existing in a half life is far more terrifying that facing the prospect of recovery. For once I feel like I am no longer fighting recovery but instead am fighting my eating disorder. I know that I have a long road ahead of me and that its not going to be a smooth ride but this time I am committed and determined to see it through.

#Personal #update

[letsdiscoverkitty]

PART THREE OF ??

All was going so well at work and University. I was getting great feedback from my team, as well as from wider departments. I got nominated for 'best new starter' in the Food and Dairy UK division (covering all new starters - apprentices, graduates and others); I got recognition in the Christmas round up for some work I put in near the end of the year to help mitigate a lot of risk (we run by the calendar year so the lead up to the New Year was fairly stressful) and I genuinely felt like I was starting to find my feet and understanding the work I was doing/learning and felt included/part of the team.

Unfortunately, the same could not be said for my health. Im not going to go into details, especially as writing this is very hard for me to do/admit as I am incredibly ashamed/embarrassed that despite things going really well in work/uni, the anorexia and depression were once again ruling/dominating my every waking hour. I dont want to sound ungrateful but I think I was getting stuck in a horrible cycle of admissions/self sabotage/slow relapse etc. This was not anyone's fault but mine - on reflection I have never really been willing to truly let go of illness/was dealing with a lot of things that were yet to be unearthed/recognised. Don't get me wrong, they genuinely saved my life and I recognise and accept that, however they were a detachment/sticky plaster/avoidance from reality/life and in some ways kept a lot of my unhealthy cycles/traps fired and alive.

When I started at work I was unfortunately slowly relapsing; I could see it happening but at the same time thought I was completely fine - I was used to the cycles playing out on repeat; to me it was the norm. There was the hope that with work starting it would help me to get things back on track but unfortunately, as is often the case with these horrible illnesses, I was once again sucked into the quicksand as my thinking already so rigid and unwavering; the perfectionism and unrelenting standards rose; my inner critic ranged; and I was functioning on fight-or-flight.

Therapy had been going steadily on in the background but as COVID meant that everything moved online, coupled with distractions and a very strong "professor mode" from my side, it all got to be a bit of a muddle/mess, especially when we touched on some Trauma work that I did not realise would run so deep and be so prevalent. Our main focus before this had been on a SCHEMA model, which I found very helpful and which has given me more emotional understanding of myself, along with a deeper recognition of my unmet needs and the vital role of the connection with our younger selves/vulnerable selves.

Due to things being messy and complicated and, tbh, I think the more we began to unearth, the more we both felt out of our depth, and found ourselves going around in, what felt like, the same circles week on week, I was allocated to a EDP in December to try to help with the physical/behavioural side of things. As is ever, the stars did not align and she went off on sick and I wasn't seen properly until early January, by which time I was, what felt like, ambushed by appointments left right and centre....these culminated in some escalations and a review with the team and my consultant who laid her cards on the table.

We dont have the best of pasts (to say the least) but I have felt that over the past few years she has gotten to know/understand me better. However to sit there and for her to say that she is at a loss as to what to do/what the crux is to why I keep ending up in these relapse cycles after getting a little bit better for a short period of time but not being able to maintain it at all, was really disheartening. She said she usually has a list of 3 things she could pin it down to when similar cases arise but none of them seemed to fit....she kept asking what it is that is wrong and I can not describe to you how frustrating that is to be asked!!! If I knew I wouldn't be in this position yet AGAIN. I would not be struggling 10+ years down the line. I felt defeated. Lost. Tired. Detached from both myself and reality. And I didn't know where to turn or who to trust anymore...

#personal #update

[letsdiscoverkitty]

PART TWO OF ??

So in October 2021 I was able to start my apprenticeship! Initially I went into the office for a few days but due to COVID and restrictions, we have mostly been working remotely from home - which, to be honest, hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be. Obviously being an apprentice it would be far better to be shadowing people in an office space however my line manager has been really on it and made me feel supported every step of the way.

As for my health, work were aware of my past/situation due to the whole OH process, which I was at first very uncertain about but I am glad that I did as it meant that things could be adjusted and it didn't feel like I was trying to hide something. I actually never thought an employer would be so supportive and understanding, not just of my mental health but of everyone's. During my first rotation we actually had, every week in the department, a virtual coffee morning, which took the form of a variety of talks/discussions and always included a mental health check-in/awareness section to close. Not only that but the academy team who look after all apprentices/graduates have us all on a programme with an external company that runs every 2 months focusing on different areas of health (physical, mental, stress etc). Having open communication about things has meant that I have been able to go to any/all medical appointments and, my personal experience this rotation has been that my line manager has been incredible. Our 'colour energies' may be very different but in that sense we work incredibly together and I have felt that he 'gets me' as a person, which has been helpful.

So yes I have been working full time since October - within that time I have also been up to Sheffield to complete two study blocks at University which were...an experience to say the least. It's not something that I particularly enjoyed as it meant a lot of change, living in a hotel room for a number of days and the awkward social side (a lot of the other apprentices (from different companies around the UK) are 18/19 so I didn't really gel with anyone and they just wanted to go out drinking...) however the course itself has been fairly interesting and Im looking forward to learning more as the years go by. Personally I find being able to learn the theory/knowledge in these bursts before then being able to apply it to the work place much more beneficial and practical than the traditional University focus. The days are quite intense when we are there (9-5) but the University is used to supporting degree apprentice so I feel like they do at least have an idea of what they are doing (definitely not all the time but it could be worse). The first module was 'personal development' which runs throughout the year so we haven't had too much in terms of deadlines, however we do have ongoing tasks and logs that have to be completed whilst we are at work - using lots of real-time examples and reflections. The second study block focused on the internal and external aspects of a company and did (unfortunately) involve a group report and presentation (whoever thought about doing a group presentation was a a good idea when we all work for different companies, in different sectors, in different areas of the country really didn't think it through too well!). It was a lot of teeth pulling and some very awkward zoom calls over the following few weeks, and involved quite a lot from my end, but we actually got a really good mark for our first submission (72 - a first)!! Despite this, let's just say that I am not really looking forward to any further group projects in this format 🙈

#personal #updates