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My dear lgbt+ kids, 
Your feelings are not dirty. You are not dirty. 
That’s so easy to say. If you follow multiple lgbt+ blogs, it may even feel like some overused phrase. One of those things that people can quickly post to gain some notes without adressing any real issues. 
And at the same time, it can be so hard to believe it for yourself. “Of course lgbt+ people are not dirty”, you may think - and the little mean voice in your head adds a whispered But I am.  
Generalized positivity may always be easier to swallow than positive statements about you personally, for a lot of reasons, but apart from (or next to) that it may also play a role that we are often told we are dirty without anyone uttering those exact words. 
One example for that is the old “I don’t know how I will explain it to my kid” argument. They may not directly say “I think you are gross and that’s why I don’t want my kid to see people like you in a movie” but the message is there. 
The “bathroom issue” follows the same path. They may only talk about keeping kids (or women) safe but of course that translates to “I think you are dirty and dangerous”. 
Those are only two of the more obvious examples - you probably encountered tiny, subtle, silent “You are dirty”s before. Conservations in which you maybe couldn’t even pinpoint it but something just left you feeling uncomfortable, unwelcome…dirty. 
You are not dirty. Not only as this abstract “lgbt+ person” that is so easy to praise in text posts but as you, the human being who is reading this. 
With all my love, 
Your Tumblr Dad
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My dear lgbt+ kids, 
You don’t have to like any song, book, movie… just because it’s lgbt+ themed. 
I’m not even talking about the ones that are “problematic” in any way. Something can be a great example of lgbt+ media, it can be good representation, a big inspiration, loved by tons of lgbt+ fans - and you just don’t like it. 
Maybe the message is good but the song is just so boring and not catchy at all. Or it’s not really your genre of movie. Or the plot of the book was confusing to you. No matter why you don’t like it, it’s fine! 
Don’t feel forced to enjoy something. 
With all my love, 
Your Tumblr Dad
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My dear lgbt+ kids, 
Here is a hug for the “chronically online” people in our community. 
A hug for the ones who have no experience with offline lgbt+ groups, the ones who never attended any lgbt+ event in person, the ones who may not even know any lgbt+ people offline - and especially the ones who get ridiculed for that and get told they “don’t know what being lgbt+ is like in the real world”.  
There are so many people who only have online experiences, for so many different reasons: you may live in a small town with zero lgbt+ spaces, you may be too young for those spaces, you may have a disability or neurodivergence which makes it difficult to attend events, you may even live in an environment where it would be dangerous to attend events…
Ironically, the ones who like to tell people like you to “go touch some grass” are actually the ones who are far removed from reality: You ARE lgbt+ in the real world. The internet and social media are not some alternative reality, they are something real people use in the real world for very real reasons. 
I won’t deny that your experiences may be very different from the experiences of someone who only or mainly interacts with other lgbt+ people in offline spaces. But different doesn’t equal “fake” or “not to be taken serious”. 
With all my love, 
Your Tumblr Dad 
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My dear lgbt+ kids,
This one is a quick question for just one of you, specifically:
Claude, you messaged me a few days ago telling me about some personal achievments in your transition journey - I'd love to publish your message to congratulate you and give my readers the chance to congratulate you as well! I'm proud of you and feel inspired by your strength and bravery!
Since your message is highly personal and you didn't send it anonymously, I do however want to double-check if it was just meant for me to read privately or if you want me to publish it?
If you see this, just send me a quick follow-up message! Thankyou!
With all my love,
Your Tumblr Dad
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My dear lgbt+ kids,
There are so many people who love you.
I don't necessarily mean the friends or partners you may have (even though that's important, too: yes, they love you! They're not faking it, they do not secretly hate you! They want to be part of your life.).
There are complete strangers who love you. Who are willing to fight for you. Who want to make the world a better, safer place for you. Who feel a lot of love for you and our whole community.
There are a lot of bad things out there, I know. People who prove their negative feelings for us again and again. It's easy to look at them and forgot to turn around and look at the loving ones. The ones who stand up for us, stand next to us. Who get loud for us, vote for us, defend us, cheer us on, cheer us up. Not because they know us personally- but because they know we are human and deserve our human rights.
Never forget that those people exist. It's not you against the world - so many people all over the world are on your side.
With all my love,
Your Tumblr Dad
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My dear lgbt+ kids,
How do you go on when you feel like you can't go on any longer?
Well, you just do. Because that's what you do. You are someone who keeps going. You have stumbled before and always got back up on your feet. That's what got you this far.
The whole "You survived 100% of your bad days so far" thing may feel like an overused gimmick on positivity blogs... and in some ways it is. If you feel hopeless and powerless, that's not something we can (or should) just bandaid with a positive mantra. Yes, you had bad days before and survived them - but that doesn't mean that the bad days you have now hurt any less. There's also the risk that this mantra backfires and just makes you feel worse, like "Yeah, I had bad days before but none were this bad".
So, if I'm aware of all that, why do I tell you this anyway? Well, because it's still true. It's not a magical fix-all. It will not cure the reasons for your bad day. But it still serves as a reminder that life is everchanging. Even the worst day of your life only has 24 hours. Time will go on and things will change and you will feel differently. Just like you have experienced it before.
If you weren't someone who can survive shit, you wouldn't be where you are. That ability is something to be proud of and it's also something that will help you go on when you feel like you can't go on.
With all my love,
Your Tumblr Dad
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My dear lgbt+ kids,
Someone requested some advice on whether to openly tell people you are mentally ill/neurodivergent/invisibly disabled or not.
There's some research that suggests that, for example, autistic people are more likely to identify as lgbt+ than their non-autistic peers - so this is absolutely a topic that belongs on a lgbt+ blog and I'm sure there are a lot of you who had to make that decision (and probably keep having to make it as coming-outs of any sort are rarely one-and-done!).
In fact, I had/have to make that decision myself! As an autistic person with depression and anxiety, I could tell you now why I personally decided to be open about all those diagnoses - but the right decision for me isn't necessarily the right decision for you as my life isn't yours.
So, what I'll do instead is to write down a general list with (potential) pros and cons, and I encourage you to nitpick it. Personalize it, take some time to decide how much, if at all, each point weighs in your own decision. There's no right or wrong answer here. It's all about your highly individual situation, about your safety and comfort.
Reasons not to be open about it:
It may put you at risk for various sorts of hate, discrimination, negative stigma and bad treatment
It may put a burden on you to educate others and discuss any misconceptions or myths they believe in, including potentially hurtful or disstressing ones (maybe even fruitlessly so which may cause frustrations or fights)
It may change the way people treat you, even in well-meant ways (babying you, pitying you, trying to "help" against your wishes etc.)
It may feel like a loss of privacy, make you feel "naked" or emotionally vulnerable, make you worry more about the way others perceive you etc.
Reasons to be open about it:
It may help others understand you or your behavior better, which may have positive effects on your relationships
It may allow you to ask for support and help more easily (either from friends and loved ones or in the workplace, school etc.)
It may make you feel empowered and help you accept/love yourself as a disabled person more
It may contribute to making your specific diagnosis more visible in society (which may also make you feel pride in breaking down stereotypes and supporting your community)
It may discourage people from assigning wrong or hurtful labels to you (either armchair-diagnosing you or labeling you as weird, crazy, lazy, gross etc.)
It's important to keep in mind that some people do not have the option to make this decision for themselves, for example because they have highly visible symptoms or they are in a position where their caretakers make the decision for them. This adds another layer to why we can't judge one decision as better or worse than the other - it's not always their own decision.
With all my love,
Your Tumblr Dad
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Not a kid but your stuff is great
My dear lgbt+ kid,
Thankyou for your kind message! I appreciate it!
I also want to use it as a little reminder for my readers that everyone is welcome on my blog - I aim to write in a way that makes my content safe, comfortable and accessible for anyone 12+, but there's no upper age limit on my letters!
I frame them as letters from a loving, supportive dad to his child (simply because that adds a comforting, sweet feeling to them) but those "characters" we assume here may very well be an elderly father figure and his adult child. In fact I'd guess that most of my readers are actually 20+.
With all my love,
Your Tumblr Dad
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Hey dad
I'm a transgender (ftm) boy with unsupportive bio parents and tomorrow's my birthday, but bc of where I live and the school system, I'll be dead named over the speakers of the entire school wishing me a 'happy birthday' even though they're celebrating the birth of a baby girl who I don't have any attachments to anymore and nobody seems to want to celebrate their baby boy
My dear birthday boy,
I don't know which time zone you live in but you sent this some hours ago, so I assume "tommorow" is "today" now, so - Happy birthday! Cheers to another trip around the sun, may it be an amazing one! May this year bring more joy than you could ever imagine.
We don't know each other personally, of course, but I can say honestly that I'm so glad you were born, so this day is definitely a reason for me to celebrate as well. Thankyou for being here with us today!
Birthdays can be hard when you're getting misgendered and I can only imagine how painful it must be over the speakers. As I'm a bit late in answering, I assume this already happened, so all that I can say now is just: I'm sorry that happened and I can imagine all the painful feelings it brought up. Hopefully you can leave it behind you quickly and find positive things to look forward. If you can't think of anything, then i'm sure some of my followers will want to wish you a happy birthday as well, so maybe looking through the comments on this post will be something positive and uplifting for you!
You deserve to be celebrated just the way you are. And if it's of any comfort, my life experience (and that of my fellow trans friends) tells me you will be. You got a year older - and as a general rule of thumb getting older also means getting closer to freedom. Time goes on, and it brings new people in your life, and some of them will be lovely and supportive and see the real you.
But that's just a little reminder of the future. You live in the present, and right now and here you are allowed to feel hurt. All feelings are valid, even on a birthday.
For now, my anonymous birthday boy, I'll make a bad dad joke and tell you "Happy birthday, my son-shine!". But seriously, congratulations on growing into the man you are. I'm proud of you and I stand with you.
With all my love,
Your Tumblr Dad
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My dear lgbt+ kids,
Recently, someone complained to me that you can't tell women and men apart anymore. You could walk past someone on the street and have absolutely no clue what their gender is.
Maybe you have heard something similar before as well. It may have been an explicitly transphobic talking point, or maybe they just thought about cis people who don't fit into gender stereotypes. We could discuss either (or both) points in many ways - but I want to focus on an easy question here:
Why do we need to know the gender of a random stranger on the street at all?
Now, of course you could argue that it can be the opposite of transphobic or close-minded to want to know - don't you need to know, so you can make sure you address them correctly and don't misgender them? But this assumes a situation where you will address them.
In any situations where you two end up talking for long enough that it becomes important for you to know their name and pronouns, you will automatically learn them at some point. They will introduce themselves with their name or you'll get the chance to ask for their name, or maybe they'll simply correct you if you accidentally address them the wrong way. Either way, if their gender is relevant for you, you will find out their gender (or at least their name and pronouns) at some point. You don't have to be able to assign them one by just looking at them.
But you don't end up talking to every stranger you see on the street. You don't end up talking about most of them, either. It's really not important to know the gender of the person next to you on the subway, or the cashier at the supermarket, or the stranger walking past you - so it also doesn't matter if they present in a way that leaves you entirely unable to guess their gender. It's none of our business anyway, and if it does become our business at some point (because we interact with them regularly enough that we need a way to address them), we can just ask for their name.
With all my love,
Your Tumblr Dad
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My dear lgbt+ kids,
If you want a conversation to keep going, you have to keep giving them something to reply to.
A (super oversimplified!) example for not doing so:
Person A: "How was your weekend?"
Person B "Good."
Person B may give such a short reply because they don't want to annoy Person A by stuffing too much info into their response or because they don't want to embarrass themselves by getting too personal right away. But short, closed-off replies like that are often seen as a sign of disinterest or even annoyance. Person A is likely to assume that Person B doesn't want to talk more about their weekend (or even that they do not want to talk to them at all) and won't ask further questions.
This type of reply cuts off the flow of the conversation. Many people make the (subconscious) assumption "Well, if Person A really cares about me, they will keep asking". But from Person A's point of view, asking more questions after a closed-off reply likely seems like prying, like crossing a boundary and bothering Person B with unwanted conversation - which they avoid because they care about Person B!
You may think now "Yeah, makes sense but I don't want to launch into a huge monologue and embarrass myself! What if I give a detailed answer and it turns out they just wanted some quick small-talk?" Those are good points - a detailed description of everything you did over the weekend would not always be the appropriate answer, either (and if your natural response tends to be on the shorter side, you wouldn't feel comfortable doing that anyway, so that'd be useless advice).
So, what to do instead? The important part is to open up your reply. It can still be short - just try to put in one little thing Person A can reply to.
This can be as direct as a question:
Person A: "How was your weekend?"
Person B "Good, thankyou. How was yours?"
Or it can be a statement they can reply to:
Person A: "How was your weekend?"
Person B "Good, I went to the beach!"
As you see in these (again, very oversimplified) examples, you don't need to give a long speech or put in lots of private details. You don't force Person A to do so, either. You just give them something to reply to if they want to do so. They can choose to deepen the conversation by telling you details about their weekend now or asking about your beach trip - and if they really just wanted to exchange some pleasant small-talk, they can go that route and give a shorter, more superficial answer.
In either case, you signaled interest in a conversation by giving an open reply and are likely to leave a positive impression on them!
With all my love,
Your Tumblr Dad
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My dear lgbt+ kids,
Can you have a healthy relationship with a narcissist?
Well, if you trust many social media posts, then the answer would be a resounding "No". Narcissistic is - apparently - a synonym for abusive, and of course you can't have a healthy relationship with an abusive partner!
But, well, social media is not always right. A lot of topics get oversimplified, terms get misused and black-or-white thinking is rampant - and "narcissistic means abusive" falls into all three of those pits.
Let's look at it a bit closer: "Abusive" describes a set of behaviors - while narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) describes, well, a personality disorder. It's a mental health condition.
I am not a trained mental health professional, so I'll use a medical source here. According to mayoclinic.org (link to article), symptoms and their intensity may vary from one affected person to the next (just like the exact symptoms and severity of depression or anxiety may vary!). A person with NPD may
have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance
have an excessive need for attention and admiration
have low/no empathy (struggle to understand or care about the feelings of others)
have low self-worth
be easily upset by criticism
struggle with social interactions
have difficulty managing their emotions
experience major problems dealing with stress 
And, again just like with other mental health conditions, NPD can negatively affect the person in a lot of areas of life. For example, struggling to manage their emotions and stress levels may make it hard for them to hold down a job and cause financial worries, or they may avoid participating in social events, which may lead to them becoming isolated and depressed etc. And yes, of course some symptoms may also lead to problems in romantic relationships.
Therapy for NPD usually centers around talk therapy, with the goal of helping the person to better understand and manage their emotions, to learn how to cope with self-worth issues, and to create/maintain healthy fulfilling relationships and communication with the people around them.
Now, you can look at all this and go "See? The social media posts are right! They are self-centered, have no empathy and are easily upset! That's abusive!" - but that'd be jumping to conclusions. None of those things are behaviors.
An autistic person may also easily get upset and they may also feel low empathy. So could a person with major depression. Yet, we do not treat "autistic" or "depressed" as a synonym for abusive. We do not assume that their symptoms will definitely lead to abusive behavior. So, why would that be different for people with NPD?
Am I saying no person with NPD has ever been abusive? Of course not. That'd be black-or-white thinking, too. What I am saying is: People with NPD are people. And people can show abusive behavior or they can not.
If someone who easily feels upset hits you, that's abuse... but hitting would be abuse, even if they didn't feel easily upset. A partner with or without NPD shouldn't be hitting you. If someone with no empathy degrades and insults you, that's abusive... but that would be abuse regardless of their ability to feel empathy. A partner with or without NPD shouldn't be degrading and insulting you.
A person could have NPD and behave abusive - but "some people are X and Y, so all people who are X must be Y" is a flawed logic.
So, let's circle back to the beginning: can you have a healthy relationship with a narcissist? Yeah. It will be a relationship with someone who has a mental health condition and that's something to be aware of because mental health conditions do affect everyday life (duh?).
You should set boundaries and take warning signs of abuse seriously - like you should do when you date anyone, regardless of health status.
With all my love,
Your Tumblr Dad
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My dear lgbt+ kids,
I have been openly living as a trans man for some years now. And I'm at a point where it doesn't take up so much mental space anymore.
Don't get me wrong: I certainly do not mean "it doesn't matter anymore" here. I am not a "just call me whatever pronouns, I do not care" person and I don't think I ever will be. Nothing wrong with feeling that way, it's just not how I feel. Being adressed with my name and my pronouns is still important for my mental well-being, and it still triggers feelings of dysphoria when people misgender me.
Even apart from misgendering: My identity is still important, and it always will be! Being trans is not some small thing that loses its importance over time. It's who I am. Being a man - and having grown up in a society that told me I wasn't - influences the way I experience everything in my life (from my self-image to my relationships with others to... well, everything).
What I do mean here is: Before coming out to others, and also before coming out to myself and accepting myself as a man, there were naturally a lot of questions running circles in my brain. Why do I feel so sad when adults tells me I'll grow into a woman? Why does it cause me so much stress when mom tells me to put on a dress? Why does it make me so euphoric to use masculine scents? When I try to picture myself kissing a boy, why do I see two boys? Ah, I just learned trans people exist, why does this fascinate me so much that I can't stop thinking about it? Am I creepy for being so fascinated by them? I'm older now, why is that sad feeling not going away? Why is it only getting worse now that I have "grown into a woman"? Why do I keep getting this horrified feeling that I took a wrong route somewhere and was never meant to arrive at "woman"? Wait... could this mean I am trans? Is it too late to realize I am trans at my age? Can I really be trans when the whole thought of even just considering surgery feels overwhelming and scary? Will I ever be ready to actually come out as trans? I really want to get married some day, could I even find love as a trans person? Can I ever be happy in a relationship if I hide who I am? Can I go on living in the closet? Okay, I am trans and want to come out, is it safe to do that? Will my family still love me? Will I ever be brave enough to come out to people outside of my immediate circle? Will people take me seriously? Will people hate me? Will I regret coming out? What if I fuck up my life?
Well, I came out and the world didn't end. All these questions, I either found answers to them or they just dissolved over time - and that frees up a lot of energy and mental space. The space that was occupied by these questions and concerns is now available to me again.
I do not wonder if I am a man anymore. I just am one. It has become something that is just self-evident to me. It goes without saying - or without conciously spending time thinking about it. Of course I am a man, of course I am Oliver. Who else would I be?
We all have a limited amount of things we can focus on, and many trans people share this experience that over time they do not need to focus so much on it anymnore. But this is not unique to the process of figuring out you are trans - in the sense that a cis gay, bi, ace etc. person could also relate to this, but also in entirely non-lgbt-specific ways. Think about a person prepping for an important exam for example. A lot of their energy and mental space will be tied up in exam related questions... which obviously will not be a permanent state. After the exam, they will naturally no longer by preoccupied by wondering how the exam will go!
I'm telling you all this because one of you asked me if I struggled with coming to terms with being a trans man - and this is my very long way of saying: Yes, I did (and it's pretty normal to do! It's a really big realization about yourself!) but struggling isn't a permanent state.
You'll find answers to some questions, some questions will just fade away. You'll figure things out.
With all my love,
Your Tumblr Dad
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(TW: mention of suicidal thoughts) 
My dear lgbt+ kids, 
Exciting news that are entirely irrelevant for the majority of you (since you don’t speak German) but I want to share them anyway: the newly revised version of my first German novel is out now!
I first published “Diese Art von Glück“ in 2019 and it meant a lot to me. Obviously because it’s a big milestone to publish your debut novel, but also because it was a highly personal story. 
It is not directly an autobiographical novel, the story never happened exactly like that to me and I am not entirely like the main character either. But it definitely has many (fictionalized) elements of a specific time in my own life. In a nutshell, the plot follows a young man over the course of the few days in which his depression spirals into acute suicidal thoughts - and, well, I have lived through (and survived!) those days myself. 
If I’m being honest with you, I still was very much living in these days when I started writing that book. Writing about it helped me cope with and work through my own feelings. It was very therapeutic, and the thought that maybe me being so open and vulnerable about my own experiences with depression, anxiety, trauma, loneliness and suicidal ideation will help some readers feel seen and less alone, it really gave me purpose and motivation at a time I desperately needed it. 
But it also made marketing the novel hard. How do you sell something so personal? Had it really been a good choice to have my debut novel be about the worst days of my life? When people who knew me read the book, their feedback was overwhelmingly “Matt is 100% a fictional version of you, it feels like I’m reading your diary and that finally helps me understand what you are going through!”. Ironically, this feedback made my relationship to the book bittersweet… and sometimes just bitter. 
My mental health got better over the years. I am no longer suicidal. If I no longer relate to Matt, is the book still good? What if it was really just a therapeutic writing exercise for me, but not an objectively good piece of writing? Should I even have published something like that for the whole world to see?
As time went on, I felt the desire to revisit it but I was scared of it. I knew my technical skills as a writer improved (as they naturally do if you write regularly! As they say, practice makes perfect) and there were a couple scenes in my debut novel that would probably benefit from a subtle rewrite by my older and more experienced self, but I dreaded even opening that book again. What if it sucks? 
Well, turns out the best way to combat that big “what if” was to take away the hypothetical: to simply face it and reread it - and doing so made me realize, yes, I do not relate to Matt anymore but that is a good thing. It gives me the freedom to read it as a piece of creative writing rather than a diary. 
I’m proud of myself for fighting the urge to cringe at my old art and visit it again instead. I’m proud of how the revised version turned out (I didn’t do a full re-write, I mostly edited single scenes, or even just single sentences, for clarity. Upon suggestion from some readers, I now also clearly state in the book description that the book intensely centers around suicide).
I’m proud of this book again, after I almost started to resent it. It will always hold a piece of myself, it’ll always reflect on that time of my life, and it is a creative piece of fiction.
I can allow it to be both. I can be proud of both. And I just wanted to share that happy realization with you! 
With all my love, 
Your Tumblr Dad 
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letters-to-lgbt-kids · 2 months
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My dear lgbt+ kids, 
If you consume a certain type of online content about friendship (often in the form of “10 signs of a fake friend” and similar), you may almost get to the conclusion that anyone who is not your best friend is your enemy - or at the very least, that any friend who doesn’t know *everything* about you is entirely worthless to your life and you would be better off cutting them out.
That’s a pretty radical view of human relationships, and it would ultimately cost you a lot of joyful social interactions if you strictly adhered to it. 
Unless you barricade yourself in your room and never leave it (which would be pretty awful for your mental health), you will end up in situations where you have regular interactions with people who are not your best friend ever. The ability to be friendly to those people, to enjoy those connections, isn’t “fake” or “toxic”. It’s an important source of positive social interactions and a valuable tool to fight loneliness.
If you have a constant social circle, these may be the friends (or partners, family members etc) of your friends, those “I’m not directly friends with Rose but I’m friends with Lisa and Lisa is friends with Rose” situations. But even if you do not have a circle like that (because you don’t make friends easily, you have social anxiety etc.), there will most likely be some “casually friendly” people in your life, as these are often simply the people who happen to be at the same place at the same time as you: colleagues, classmates, neighbors, people at places you frequent (employees in stores, patients in group therapy etc.), or even just the guy who waits for the same bus as you do every Monday morning. 
These people wouldn’t be the first one you’d call if you need help with a potentially life changing decision. They don’t know all your deepest secrets, fears and desires, they may not even be able to name your favorite color (or hey, maybe not even your name), and they certainly won’t be able to list all your identity labels, political beliefs, medical diagnoses, traumatic experiences and sexual fantasies - but they don’t need to. 
It’s wonderful if you have a best friend (or another close relationship) who fulfills that role of being someone you’d trust blindly, someone who knows you inside and out. But not everyone you are friendly with needs to be that for you. There’s enough other roles. Acquaintances, work friends, casual friends, small-talk friends… those roles aren’t worthless. They won’t be the one you call at 3 am after a breakup, but they can inject a bit of joy in your everyday life. They can offer friendly interactions that come with no pressure to go beyond the surface (something that’s valuable in itself! It would be very exhausting if everyone already knew everything about you and every conversation had to be deep and philosophical). 
Plus, only knowing each other in one context has its advantages: your best friend may not know anything about the printer issue in your office but your office friend sure does! And if you met someone in a crime novel forum and all you ever talk about is crime novels, is that really negative? Isn’t it beautiful to know someone who shares your passion for that genre and is always happy to talk about it? 
Of course an office friend or a crime novel friend can also become a best friend over the years. There are plenty of people who meet in a specific context, bond in that context and gradually develop a relationship out of that context as well. But one-context friends still enrich your life. 
Even if that context is purely “we say hi when we see each other at the bus stop”, it’s a positive social interaction - and those will bring color and joy into both of your lives. 
With all my love, 
Your Tumblr Dad 
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letters-to-lgbt-kids · 2 months
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My dear lgbt+ kids, 
So, you have been in a relationship for a while and you’re ready and eager to take the next step - but your partner isn’t. What now? 
The “next step” I’m referring to here could mean a lot of different things because relationships do not all follow one specific timeline (and also because my readers may be of wildly different ages and live in wildly different situations) but I am thinking of any “deepening our commitment” things here: for example introducing them to your friends or your family, moving in together or (if you are in a situation where that’s a legal possibility) even marriage or having a child together. 
Whatever the step actually looks like, you may have this romantic idea of “If they’re right for you, you’ll always naturally want to take these steps at the same time”… but that’s not really how relationships work in real life. Even in the healthiest relationship and even if you absolutely feel like they’re your soulmate, you may still disagree on when to take those steps or even on whether you want to take these steps at all. 
In fact, it’s uniquely frustrating if everything else is going well. If their refusal to meet your mom is just another point on the long list of behaviors that make you feel like they don’t really care about you, that’s also painful but it’s easier to give advice there: maybe you should think about breaking up. It’s tempting to believe that you can make them love you more if you move in with them or that they’ll treat you better once you get engaged, but that won’t work out. You can’t fix a broken relationship by deepening the commitment - commitment needs a stable foundation to grow. And this doesn’t only go for outright abusive relationships: they may be a wonderful person but you two just have entirely different goals and needs, and those won’t suddenly overlap more just because you moved in with them or married them. 
With all that being said: if there IS a healthy and stable foundation, if you are happy in every other aspect and they’re just hesitant about this one specific step, then jumping straight to “break up with them” would obviously be pretty unhelpful advice. Differing opinions occur even in the most compatible couple, you are both whole people with your own individual feelings and those do not necessarily doom the whole relationship. It’s important to see this situation in the context of the relationship in general. 
You may be able to guess that a big portion of the advice is just gonna be “Communicate with your partner” - but first of all, I’d advise you to have an open and honest conversation with yourself. Why is this step of commitment so important to you? What does it mean to you? Do you feel a sense of urgency in taking it and if so, why? Is this specific step the only possible path for your need to be met? Are you open to alternative approaches, are you open to waiting (and if so, for how long)? The purpose of these questions is definitely not to convince yourself to give up on your needs or to talk yourself into a compromise you’re not really happy with! The opposite of that, actually: It’s helpful to reflect on what exactly you want and why you want it, so you have the clarity you need to discuss it productively. You don’t want to agree to something that ultimately leaves you unsatisfied and bitter, but you also don’t want to push hard for something you later on realize doesn’t even mean that much to you. 
When you feel confident enough about your own stance to discuss it with your partner, the most important thing to remember is: you’re on the same team. The goal here isn’t to “win” or to change their mind, but to see each others perspective better and find a solution you’re both happy with. Listen with an open mind. Try to understand before you try to influence. Remind yourself that your partner isn’t your enemy, they also want the best outcome for both of you - otherwise you (hopefully) wouldn’t want to commit to them! 
Something you should get clarification on during your conversations: is it a hard no (do not want to do that at all ever), a soft no (open to alternatives or adjustments), a no for now (want to do it but not yet), a yes but (want to do it but only under certain circumstances or in a different way than your original plan) or a I don’t know? How does this affect your feelings on the situation? (I’m sure that even just while reading these different scenarios, some instinctively feel better or worse than others! But it’s still important to take some time to sit with any new information that comes up during those conversations. Neither of you should feel pressured or rushed here!) 
You may find that they just never considered that there may be multiple approaches to that step (an example for this would be that they are not actually opposed to the idea of being married to you, just to the idea of a wedding, and didn’t consider yet that eloping is also a possibility) - but don’t set yourself up for disappointment by expecting the conversation to 100% go that way. It may also be a hard no, and that wouldn’t make them a horrible person. People can deeply, truly love someone and still do not want to take certain steps with them. It’s a good idea to remind yourself that you’re not “in the right” or “the better person” for wanting to take those steps. While certain steps may be a big part of your own future plans or even of your identity and self-image (and that’s valid!), they are just personal preferences. It’s not a moral obligation to want them, and your partner isn’t mean for not wanting them. But, of course, at this point we also need to say: if you can not imagine a life where you never get married, you are not a horrible person for breaking up with a partner who can not imagine to ever marry. “Irreconcilable differences” are a common breakup reason for a reason. 
So, to summarize: Building a strong foundation is crucial before taking big steps. Communicate openly with yourself first - understand why you want to take this step and if there are alternatives. When talking to your partner, remember you're a team; it's not about winning but understanding each other. Be open to different responses, from a clear no to conditions on a yes. Do not pressure your partner but do not completely give up on your own happiness either. 
The journey of commitment should be a shared adventure - not a battle or a competitive race! 
With all my love, 
Your Tumblr Dad 
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letters-to-lgbt-kids · 3 months
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My dear lgbt+ kids, 
Intimacy is important. It fosters healthy, happy relationships and those are important for your mental health (and may even improve your physical health) - but what is intimacy exactly? 
The first thing that pops in your head may be sex, and while that can undoubtedly be an important aspect of physical intimacy for many couples, that’s not all intimacy is! You can have great intimacy in any kind of relationship, including sex-free romantic relationships, queerplatonic relationships and platonic friendships. 
That’s because there are different types of intimacy: 
Physical intimacy: this can be sex, but it can also be kissing, cuddling, hand-holding, hugging… any kind of physical touch that gives you a feeling of safety, closeness and comfort in each other. 
Emotional intimacy: this means feeling comfortable sharing your inner feelings and being vulnerable with each other, for example being able to share your worries and hopes, feeling safe to ask for comfort, knowing you can celebrate your accomplishments with them without being criticized etc.! 
Intellectual intimacy: this doesn’t have anything to do with being super smart, it just means being able to share thoughts, opinions and ideas with each other. It doesn’t matter if you agree, just that you can openly and honestly express yourself, and try to understand each other’s viewpoint. 
Experiential intimacy: this means shared experiences! Spending time together, participating in hobbies together, trying new things together, even just running errands together! 
Spiritual intimacy: you don’t need to be religious or spiritual to experience this, it just means you share values and beliefs with each other and bond over them. This can be as simple as feeling safe to discuss beliefs with each other without fear of rejection or judgement, or it can be profound, awe-inspring experiences you experience together.
With all my love, 
Your Tumblr Dad 
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