lil-bpd-bitch

[lil-bpd-bitch]

Abusive parents force you to hide things you would otherwise never have to worry about hiding, because you learn that they can flip out about anything, make a scene from anything, misunderstand one detail and go insane over it. So you don’t tell them about anything you can avoid, and you try to deal with things yourself as much as humanely possible, which takes the burden of taking care of you from them, and onto your shoulders.

This is dangerous as well because you don’t tell them about a friend who did something horrible to you, you don’t tell them about a sociopath who tried to groom or touch you, you don’t tell them about horrifying heartbreak you feel when someone abandons you, you don’t tell them when your world is falling apart because you know that at best, they’ll be uninterested, at worst, they will tell you it was your fault and you deserved it.

Living in secrecy becomes normal and when you develop trauma symptoms it once again feels like it’s your fault because you never said anything, you never told them how much they were hurting you, you didn’t speak up and open up about your problems. But how in the world would you? You know if you had, all that you would get is insults, blame, threats, guilt and shame thrown in your face, how could you possibly take that on top of having trauma symptoms? You can’t, it’s not worth risking. Suffering in silence becomes your only survival option, and you watch your heart break a little more every day that nobody cares that you’re breaking apart.

[lil-bpd-bitch]

No one warned me that coming into your own also includes grieving the life you were conditioned to believe you wanted.

[lil-bpd-bitch]

Who-hoa! It's that time again! Feeling shitty o'clock ⏲️⏲️⏲️

#mine #feeling shitty #tw swearing

[lil-bpd-bitch]

Apologies to Eve

I hated you.

I cursed you, called you every foul name under the sun, hated myself because I was born as you, prayed to the almighty (hah!) god that he could wipe the your stain from my body, hated that I was seen as you, hated that a part of you lived on in me.

I just want to say I’m sorry.

Your story was twisted and formed into lies, you who birthed the world.

You dared to reach out and take, to taste the fruit of knowledge without your master’s permission.

You bucked the so called “order” of things, the blind acceptance of authority.

In so, you created our world.

I just want to say… thank you.

[lil-bpd-bitch]

When I was a kid a pastor once said to me "nobody knows the hour or the day Jesus will return and anyone who predicts it will be wrong he won't show up" and the end of days as a concept really freaked me out so every so often, maybe once a week, I'd come up with random dates and times for Jesus to "come back" to ensure he wouldn't.

[lil-bpd-bitch]

I think that many ex christians leave christianity before they stop believing it. For me it was like, “I can’t do this. I can’t keep worshiping and serving this terrible God.”

And so for a time you’re in this horrible limbo where you reject God but still believe in him, so you come to this realization that you are going to hell. You come to terms with your eternal torture. It’s horrifying

I think it gets better with time, especially when you work out the logical fallacies of christianity, but it still is very haunting

#ex christian #religious trauma

[lil-bpd-bitch]

here's a rant.

i accepted a 2-year work contract in south korea. it begins in august. my parents have known i was going to relocate to sk for months but i am too terrified to tell them that i signed the contract. i know they're going to flip out because i know they still think they can stop me from going. they use extended family for their gain, saying everyone including my grandparents opposes my decision. but like. i didn't fucking ask them, and i didn't ask you either. it's my decision when i am going to leave this toxic household and the manner in which i will do it, NOT yours. but i'm still terrified.

#mine #rant #controlling parents #toxic family

[lil-bpd-bitch]

😉

#religious trauma #ex christian

[lil-bpd-bitch]

i threw up for the first time today. like purposely. i weighed myself before eating and i was too nervous when i looked at the meal i prepared for myself (spaghetti with 5 meatballs). i probably threw up half of the meal because i remembered that if i throw up, i will probably throw up my iron supplements too. at least less food means i will be less tired during work since eating right before always sets my metabolism wild. idk

#mine #not bpd #tw food #tw puking #mental health #weight loss

[lil-bpd-bitch]

I have only one dream : That my father hadn’t destroyed all of them.

[lil-bpd-bitch]

It's hard to see red flags when you've been taught to ignore them your whole life. When abuse has been normalised for so long.

[lil-bpd-bitch]

it’s genuinely so sad that i’ve never felt safe or accepted in my own house. sometimes i imagine what a different life would look like. coming home from college, excited to be home instead of bracing myself for whatever abuse they want to hurl at me next. relaxing with them, without fighting over human rights, without gaslighting, manipulation, and suppressed anger.

every second i am with them i am trying my best to not show how much i despise them. to not let the years of trauma collapse onto each other and finally make me snap.

what is it like to live in a family that isn’t a test in how much you can withstand?

[lil-bpd-bitch]

They always warned us about peer pressure, but never familial pressure.

If your family wants you to do something, and you don't feel comfortable doing it, you are not in the wrong for feeling that way.

If it is possible to say no to your family about something, go right ahead. Establish boundaries. A family is not supposed to be treated like a hivemind.

If you have to say yes to keep the peace, please do so for your safety. But understand that it is because the adults in your family lack proper boundaries. Remind yourself that this is not the norm. Remind yourself that this is not okay.

You will get away from this and will find people who do respect your boundaries. ❤️

[lil-bpd-bitch]

thinks about how my dad pulled out the bible telling me that its most important to honor my parents

and he did that because

he wanted control of my responses

he wanted control of my ideas

he wanted control of my beliefs

manipulation through religion…

[lil-bpd-bitch]

“sin destroys your relationship with god.”

no it didn’t. sin is a made up concept that you used to shame me for being mentally ill. i don’t subscribe to that bullshit lol and i hope you get help. you’re sick.

[lil-bpd-bitch]

[lil-bpd-bitch]

just a head's up everyone, @.borderlinebrains is a police brutality apologist. Here's a screenshot of an ask I made on my main about Ma'Khia Briant. I was hoping to educate after this response but then I remembered how these conversations usually go and decided maybe I should stick to educating people around me in person instead.

Anyway, block them if you don't want to follow police brutality apologizers.

#mine #bpd community #not about bpd but a bpd blog #borderline personality disorder #actually bpd #actually borderline #tw police brutality #tw police brutality apologism #mental health #mental illness #personality disorder