lil-gingerbread-queen

[lil-gingerbread-queen]

He asked me if I wanted my mother to come for my birthday (next week)... They really think everything is going to go back to normal. I DON'T WANT TO EVER SEE HER AGAIN.

Rant incoming

I saw my father for the first time in three years since I ran away from home. I have feelings about it.

(tw: abuse from parents, emotional abuse, financial abuse, psychological abuse, ableism, threat of suicide, suicidal ideation)

So, it wasn’t bad but it wasn't great either.

I was so happy to see my father again, and we didn't argue (or more like, I didn't argue when I should have and he was in a people pleasing mood because he didn't want to fuck it up)

That's the good things. Now, for the bad things.

No apologies. None. None for the the way I was raised, none about his behavior with me, none about our last fight, the day before I ran away, where he told me he was going to kill himself because of me, because I couldn't be normal and not depressed. And it's so normal in this family to not give apologies, I was always the only ones apologizing when I hurt others. We are supposed to forgive and forget, and my mother always hated that I wouldn't. I remember how she would complain about it, about how I always remember "the bad things". I was painted as the bad guy for it, because you are not supposed to bring up the bad things. No apology, and it will be done again, but forgive and forget. And I know I will be the bad guy again when I'll bring it up.

For him, there was a fight (the one where he said he was going to kill himself, and he didn't apologized for) and I ran away. There was NOTHING else wrong with our family. Nothing else ever happens. Which is why I started to plan to run away months before it happens, why we had arguments so often, why I was depressed before my age was two numbers, why I wanted to die since a young age, why I wrote so many letters about how unloved and sad I felt, which were definitely a lot like suicidal letters, and I destroyed them because I was scared of how my mother would react, why when they finally found one I was yelled at and told again and again how difficult I was, how much of a bad guy I was for remembering the bad things, how I was so hard to raise because I wasn't normal (adhd + depression + anxiety, which I wasn't diagnosed with as a child because my mother fought I should just make efforts to be normal. Even when I got meds for my anxiety, she shamed me for them and took them away.) No, it was just one fight. Nothing else, I guess. Because I wasn't told I was a waste of money, I wasn't punished for stuffs my sister broke and had to buy the objects myself when I was not even in age to have a job (which means using my christmas money), my mother didn't find it fun to threaten me at ALL and wouldn't get a kick of yelling at me, or threatened to find something to be angry about so she could yell at me, all while smiling so happily, because she was bored or wanted me to shut up. I wasn’t told by my mother I was unlovable, that nobody would either love me, that if my teachers treated me badly it was my fault for not being normal, that the only reason I had good grades was that the male teachers liked my chest (not true, btw). Just one fight.

He spoke like it was just a question of time before I would speak to my mother again. But I do not want to see her ever again, I hate her, and I know that I will be the bad guy if I said it out loud. There was not talk about her being sorry for her behaviors or words, about her having change or work on herself... No, it was just one fight and I will go home to the mother that "love" me when I shut up and do exactly what she wants, the mother who told me so many times I was a burden, ruining her life, not doing enough to fix myself and be normal. I hate it, because everyone expects me to talk to her again one day. Even my psychologist, because it's the only way for me to have a good relationship with my family, that I cannot expect them to drop her abusive ass. I hate her, but also, I'm terrified of her. She is fake and the best manipulator I know. I had a fucking panic attack when my psychiatrist asked if she could met her, because I was so scared she would manipulate her into believing I was lying and she is an angel, like she always does. I am certain she would have killed me if she could get away with it, she hates how I never fell for her bs.

He went to therapy. He was diagnosed with depression. He got treated for depression. No shit, sherlock, he was crying when he told me he was going to kill yourself because of me. I really thought he would. I ran away, hurt and miserable, with the fear that one of the persons I love the most was going to kill themself because of my existence. It haunted me for a year, this fucking fear. And I get no apology.

I told him I was scared to disappoint him, because I still have no jobs and I cannot drive (both because of my mental health. My anxiety is way too high to hide during job interviews, and nobody wants an anxious worker who cannot talk to clients. My anxiety also doesn't let me concentrate on the road, and I had so many panic attacks while driving because it stresses me out. My parents never tried to understand, and I tried to explain it MANY times) He said I would never disappoint him, that I never did. And I felt so sad, so betrayed, because that's not true at all. He yelled at me so much when I tried to learn to drive with him, to the point that my sister didn't want to be in the car if I was driving. There was an argument a year before I ran away where he was so mad at me because I refused to drive (I had started anxiety meds it is literally illegal to drive when you take it. I am not risking my life, thank you) and for other shit (about me not tidying my room to his taste), that he THREW a small furniture at me. And my mother came to lecture me while I was crying, refusing to let me out of the room until I apologized for my arrogance to think I could choose to not drive, and apologized for the burden I was for not being "adult enough". I was able to escape and I ran away outside, in the fields behind our house. My father came to find me later and it was never spoke about again, but fuck was it awful. Also, I had multiple awful lectures about how I didn't have a job or knew how to drive since I was 18. But, as always, I'm the only one who remembers and I'm the bad guy for it.

There was also other little things (like how he pointed out flaws of mine I grew up being shamed for by them, like how I think I'm always right, which I don't know if it's true or not because it was to shame me for not agreeing with them, or how I speak too much, which I'm extremely ashamed about, probably comes from the adhd they ignored, and my mother would often tell me how boring I was and laughed at me for being a nerd)

Nothing has changed. Nothing has changed and I'm going to have to be brave again, and stand up for myself, and tell them again what is wrong, and being painted as the bad guy again, and being yelled at maybe, and I will lose everything again. I'm tired. I'm just so fucking tired. I'm so scared he will not listen to me, he will dismiss it like he always did, and I will have to accept that she won. I have told them so many times growing up all the things I didn't like with the way they were treating me. I wrote to them about it. I tried SO HARD to fix it myself. I showed them the problems. They just never listened, and I know my mother never cared. She knows, and I know she knows, that she is a terrible mother, because she is so sneaky about it, so smart, so angry if it gets out. She knows very well, she doesn't care. And everyone buy her bs.

There's no justice for me. All I want is for her to admit to everyone, not me, EVERYONE ELSE, that she treated me awfully. But she never will, and everyone will always listen to her and believe her over me. Even after she's dead, I will be the bad guy for refusing to seeing her and talking shit about the dead.

[lil-gingerbread-queen]

The whole world (aka people, not the govs) rn: I cannot believe you are making me defend the Iranian gov!

#palestine #israel #free palestine #seriously wtf #also fucking crazy how politicians are like “Iran isn't repecting international law” when actually they are #For once they're right #and they didn't even kill people in their attack #extremely rare Iranian gov W?????

[lil-gingerbread-queen]

i am wholly above temptations of the flesh. italian food on the other hand,

#asexual #aromantic #aroace #YEEEEEEES #And like op said in the comment not fake usamerican “italian” food real italian food #My true love: food #even the basic shit is so good: their pizzas? EXCELLENT their pastas? PERFECT their ice creams? HEAVEN

[lil-gingerbread-queen]

~

Working on something...

#nicholas d. wolfwood #trigun #fanart #my art #digital art #krita

[lil-gingerbread-queen]

strawberry swiss snail 🍓

#not mine #I love them!

[lil-gingerbread-queen]

Hold the fuck on no way WW3 jokes are trending on Twitter when this is an extremely serious situation that’s threatening to destabilize an entire region. No way everyone’s gleefully looking at this as if it’s the grand show finale they’ve been waiting all along. There is no fucking way

#usamericans are so fucking insensitive about ww because they never had modern wars on their territories #they make jokes about ww all the time like they aren't huge traumatic events #and how the us has been destroying the middle east since wwii #it's not funny mf people are suffering people are dying

[lil-gingerbread-queen]

My Robin's designs: n°1 - Dick Grayson

My goal in this series is to make each Robin a design that fit their personality and Batman's story. For Dick, we need a suit for a performer, a little shining star.

I wanted him to keep his ✨iconic✨ short, so he gets his short back, we don't slutshame children here. He has red leggings to go under it when it gets too cold for him to run around in them.

The outfit is inspired by trapeze artists' outfits, especially women trapeze artists, because they often show their legs and men trapeze artists have their tits out most of the time. I didn't want him in a boring leotard, so the shirt being a bit long works like the "skirt" women acrobats can have.

The outfit in its integrity is "simple" because he is the first Robin, and Batman's career is young. However, he gets the biggest cape from all the Robins, to be as dramatic as he needs, and to have some protection for those legs.

#dick grayson #robin #batman #fanart #my art #traditional art #watercolor #colored pencils #WHY IS IT SO UGLY ON MY COMPUTER IT'S FINE ON MY PHONE #I'm tired I tried for multiple hours to modify the picture that's the best I can do I suck at photography #it's pretty irl I swear 😢😭

[lil-gingerbread-queen]

I made something

#mood #but about everything #all the time

[lil-gingerbread-queen]

it’s insane how quickly your life can just. suddenly improve. i used to be so miserable but now i own 5 swords

#Well my life would also be better if I had 5 swords #I don't have the money for that tho #and nobody likes me enough to trust me with a blade

[lil-gingerbread-queen]

Being sex repulsed is sometimes being romance repulsed, because the characters start to flirt, and it's obviously primarily because they are sexually attractive to each others, and the sexual tension is making me want to gag. And sometimes, writers cannot make their characters have romantic interactions that aren't "sexual" coded, and I want to vomit.

Seriously, in front of my cereals???

#sex repulsed #romance repulsed #asexual #asexuality #aromantic #aromantism #aroace #lgbtq+ #i hate it so much I don't want romance at all if you cannot write it without making it sexual #characters: *starts to flirt* me: pls end me

[lil-gingerbread-queen]

you cant ever let yourself forget what it felt like to be 15. how adults treated you. being treated without a shred of respect because people think youre too young to have thoughts and feelings of your own. the lack of autonomy. you cant ever forget that because if you do you might become the kind of adult who treats kids like theyre not people

#literally why I do not feel safe with anyone a bit older than I is because of how adults treated me as a teen #I will forever defend children and teenagers because it's crazy how many people talks about them like they aren't humans and equals #especially so many childfree people like you cannot treat children like trash because they aren't yours

[lil-gingerbread-queen]

So fucking funny how I said years ago that my niece probably had adhd, and my family was like "no way", only for her to be diagnosed with adhd by doctors after her shrink told her parents to, and to have multiple teachers to help her now.

#I called it for a mile away #call it “peer-reviewed” because I probably also have adhd #and also does my father #adhd #give me a psychologist degree for free I deserve it for how well I psychoanalyse people all the time /hj #sad note: they want to “fix her” because nobody in this family has enough patient to handle a neurodivergent child #I suffered a lot growing up for it and I saw how they treated her like a burden for her hyperactive behavior

[lil-gingerbread-queen]

I need all of you to understand that if you are intentionally *hurting someone to feel more powerful, you are abusing that person

I've seen way too many posts recently saying like "sure, it's not productive, but it can be empowering and therapeutic to get your anger out" Yeah, that is abuse.

making someone feel lesser so that you can feel more powerful is what abusers do. that's why they do it. nobody wakes up in the morning rubbing their hands together, stroking their beard, planning all the evil abusive things they're going to do today. yhey just do those things because it's cathartic and empowering

you can be abusive, yes you, even if you're oppressed, even if they have privilege over you, even if you're a woman, even if they're bigger and stronger than you, even if it's "just a joke," even if you think they shouldn't be upset because it's a stupid thing to be upset about. it doesn't matter. you're not uniquely harmless.

some of you guys are turning into your parents shockingly quick

*I don't specifically mean physically hurting someone. I mean doing anything against another person's consent. this post is not about kink. as long as you've negotiated and are using safewords, there is no problem with beating someone up for fun

#helpful #yep yep

[lil-gingerbread-queen]

things haven't been great but i think they will be. eventually 🌻🌼🩷

#tw abuse #not mine #for the record no i don't think my mother loves me #but the idea that she did kept me in an awful situation for a very long time #the number of times people said “she's your mother. she's trying her best. of course she loves you” etc etc #but i don't think “love” and abuse are mutually exclusive #like even if someone DOES love you it doesn't mean it's not abuse and it doesn't mean it's ok #���️ op tags #but like same #my mother is like this #my father loves me dearly but he also did abuse me and he is an enabler

[lil-gingerbread-queen]

Let's revive a bunch of famous dead people and make them do RuPauls Drag Race

#history #YES LOUIS XIV OF FRANCE WAS BORN FOR THIS #François I would also love it #Napoleon I should be brought back just so his ass can suffer he hated “travesties” he would die from seeing a drag queen #yeah france would win duh

[lil-gingerbread-queen]

Rant incoming

I saw my father for the first time in three years since I ran away from home. I have feelings about it.

(tw: abuse from parents, emotional abuse, financial abuse, psychological abuse, ableism, threat of suicide, suicidal ideation)

So, it wasn’t bad but it wasn't great either.

I was so happy to see my father again, and we didn't argue (or more like, I didn't argue when I should have and he was in a people pleasing mood because he didn't want to fuck it up)

That's the good things. Now, for the bad things.

No apologies. None. None for the the way I was raised, none about his behavior with me, none about our last fight, the day before I ran away, where he told me he was going to kill himself because of me, because I couldn't be normal and not depressed. And it's so normal in this family to not give apologies, I was always the only ones apologizing when I hurt others. We are supposed to forgive and forget, and my mother always hated that I wouldn't. I remember how she would complain about it, about how I always remember "the bad things". I was painted as the bad guy for it, because you are not supposed to bring up the bad things. No apology, and it will be done again, but forgive and forget. And I know I will be the bad guy again when I'll bring it up.

For him, there was a fight (the one where he said he was going to kill himself, and he didn't apologized for) and I ran away. There was NOTHING else wrong with our family. Nothing else ever happens. Which is why I started to plan to run away months before it happens, why we had arguments so often, why I was depressed before my age was two numbers, why I wanted to die since a young age, why I wrote so many letters about how unloved and sad I felt, which were definitely a lot like suicidal letters, and I destroyed them because I was scared of how my mother would react, why when they finally found one I was yelled at and told again and again how difficult I was, how much of a bad guy I was for remembering the bad things, how I was so hard to raise because I wasn't normal (adhd + depression + anxiety, which I wasn't diagnosed with as a child because my mother fought I should just make efforts to be normal. Even when I got meds for my anxiety, she shamed me for them and took them away.) No, it was just one fight. Nothing else, I guess. Because I wasn't told I was a waste of money, I wasn't punished for stuffs my sister broke and had to buy the objects myself when I was not even in age to have a job (which means using my christmas money), my mother didn't find it fun to threaten me at ALL and wouldn't get a kick of yelling at me, or threatened to find something to be angry about so she could yell at me, all while smiling so happily, because she was bored or wanted me to shut up. I wasn’t told by my mother I was unlovable, that nobody would either love me, that if my teachers treated me badly it was my fault for not being normal, that the only reason I had good grades was that the male teachers liked my chest (not true, btw). Just one fight.

He spoke like it was just a question of time before I would speak to my mother again. But I do not want to see her ever again, I hate her, and I know that I will be the bad guy if I said it out loud. There was not talk about her being sorry for her behaviors or words, about her having change or work on herself... No, it was just one fight and I will go home to the mother that "love" me when I shut up and do exactly what she wants, the mother who told me so many times I was a burden, ruining her life, not doing enough to fix myself and be normal. I hate it, because everyone expects me to talk to her again one day. Even my psychologist, because it's the only way for me to have a good relationship with my family, that I cannot expect them to drop her abusive ass. I hate her, but also, I'm terrified of her. She is fake and the best manipulator I know. I had a fucking panic attack when my psychiatrist asked if she could met her, because I was so scared she would manipulate her into believing I was lying and she is an angel, like she always does. I am certain she would have killed me if she could get away with it, she hates how I never fell for her bs.

He went to therapy. He was diagnosed with depression. He got treated for depression. No shit, sherlock, he was crying when he told me he was going to kill yourself because of me. I really thought he would. I ran away, hurt and miserable, with the fear that one of the persons I love the most was going to kill themself because of my existence. It haunted me for a year, this fucking fear. And I get no apology.

I told him I was scared to disappoint him, because I still have no jobs and I cannot drive (both because of my mental health. My anxiety is way too high to hide during job interviews, and nobody wants an anxious worker who cannot talk to clients. My anxiety also doesn't let me concentrate on the road, and I had so many panic attacks while driving because it stresses me out. My parents never tried to understand, and I tried to explain it MANY times) He said I would never disappoint him, that I never did. And I felt so sad, so betrayed, because that's not true at all. He yelled at me so much when I tried to learn to drive with him, to the point that my sister didn't want to be in the car if I was driving. There was an argument a year before I ran away where he was so mad at me because I refused to drive (I had started anxiety meds it is literally illegal to drive when you take it. I am not risking my life, thank you) and for other shit (about me not tidying my room to his taste), that he THREW a small furniture at me. And my mother came to lecture me while I was crying, refusing to let me out of the room until I apologized for my arrogance to think I could choose to not drive, and apologized for the burden I was for not being "adult enough". I was able to escape and I ran away outside, in the fields behind our house. My father came to find me later and it was never spoke about again, but fuck was it awful. Also, I had multiple awful lectures about how I didn't have a job or knew how to drive since I was 18. But, as always, I'm the only one who remembers and I'm the bad guy for it.

There was also other little things (like how he pointed out flaws of mine I grew up being shamed for by them, like how I think I'm always right, which I don't know if it's true or not because it was to shame me for not agreeing with them, or how I speak too much, which I'm extremely ashamed about, probably comes from the adhd they ignored, and my mother would often tell me how boring I was and laughed at me for being a nerd)

Nothing has changed. Nothing has changed and I'm going to have to be brave again, and stand up for myself, and tell them again what is wrong, and being painted as the bad guy again, and being yelled at maybe, and I will lose everything again. I'm tired. I'm just so fucking tired. I'm so scared he will not listen to me, he will dismiss it like he always did, and I will have to accept that she won. I have told them so many times growing up all the things I didn't like with the way they were treating me. I wrote to them about it. I tried SO HARD to fix it myself. I showed them the problems. They just never listened, and I know my mother never cared. She knows, and I know she knows, that she is a terrible mother, because she is so sneaky about it, so smart, so angry if it gets out. She knows very well, she doesn't care. And everyone buy her bs.

There's no justice for me. All I want is for her to admit to everyone, not me, EVERYONE ELSE, that she treated me awfully. But she never will, and everyone will always listen to her and believe her over me. Even after she's dead, I will be the bad guy for refusing to seeing her and talking shit about the dead.

#rant #tw abuse #tw ableism #tw sui talk #tw sui ideation #tw emotional abuse #tw psychological abuse #tw parental abuse #I'm seeing my psychiatrist next week so don't worry too much #I love her it's the psychologist that I have problems with

[lil-gingerbread-queen]

~

"Jason... Why don't you want to come home, Jason?" (1/2)

Inspired by these panels:

#jason todd #bruce wayne #batman #fanart #robin #dc comics #my art #traditional art #watercolor #colored pencils #jason isn't ignoring him he didn't realize he was here yet #I don't know how I feel about this one guys