lilyemrys
lilyemrys
to all the hyperfixations i’ve had before
lily | 21 | she/her | infp going through my destiel phase again, don’t worry about it My Art!
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lilyemrys · 4 days ago
Answer
What are the symptoms of ADHD besides hyperactivity? All I've been exposed to is stereotypes of what it's like to have ADHD and I want to learn more!

well here’s what it’s like for me

  • feeling like you need to Do Shit All The Time
  • like, literally every second
  • if you aren’t stimulated for even a second you’re incredibly bored
  • boredom is literally painful
  • it’s worse than death
  • worse than e v e r y t h i n g
  • feelin that sweet Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria™ any time you get teased or insulted
  • when you’re listening to music you always tune it out eventually
  • not picking up on social cues At All
  • actually, what are social cues?
  • can’t regulate attention
  • not interesting = not worth paying attention to
  • hyperfocus for hours
  • “wAIT ITS 4 PM WHAT THE F U C K”
  • did i forget to eat again
  • The Thoughts go from point a to point g in less than one (1) fuckin sentence
  • *someone says a thing* what *person repeats thing* what *person repeats thing again and you still don’t hear them but dont ask what again in case they think ur weird*
  • or, alternatively
  • *someone says a thing* what *person starts to repeat said thing; you reply less than a second after they start*
  • using subtitles all the time so you don’t have to go back twenty times to determine What The Fuck someone said
  • “sorry i tuned you out for that entire sentence can you repeat that”
  • needing e x t r e m e l y s p e c i f i c d i r e c t i o n s
  • EXTREMELY POOR VOLUME CONTROL TBH
  • tfw that thing u were working on falls apart and u cant redo it bc u already did it and that would be boring
  • long blocks of text are Extremely Hard to Read
  • ur fuckin brain works 12 times as fast as everyone elses. for every ADHD person it’s somethin different. for me it’s puns. ill choke on my own laughter at a pun an Entire Second before anyone else even gets it
  • RAMBLING
  • The Leg Bounce™
  • Disassociation
  • that ADHD feel when you
  • ^^ that one is a True Marker of an ADHD person. only ADHD people understand.
41K notes
lilyemrys · 5 days ago
Photo

salternates:

askendcas:

“Cain said to the Lord, ‘My punishment is too great to bear! Behold, You have driven me this day from the face of the ground; and from Your face I will be hidden, and I will be a vagrant and a wanderer on the earth, and whoever finds me will kill me.’But the Lord said to him, ‘Not so; anyone who kills Cain will suffer vengeance seven times over.’ Then the Lord put a mark on Cain so that no one who found him would kill him.”  [Genesis 4:13-15]

this took an inexcusably long time to draw.

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lilyemrys · 7 days ago
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katistry:

12.12 || 13.01

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lilyemrys · 11 days ago
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letmesayiloveyou-deactivated202:

letmesayiloveyou-deactivated202:

“I wanna make sure you understand. You won’t die or age. If this last year was painful for you, picture a hundred, a thousand more like it.”

In a show about absent and neglectful fathers, Jimmy Novak agreed to an eternity of pain to save his daughter. Seconds away from peace in Heaven, he begged through the blood in his teeth for Castiel to cage him away in his own skin, forever, so that Claire could be spared. So many people think that Cas learned about love from Dean. I think maybe he learned it first from Jimmy Novak.

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lilyemrys · 14 days ago
Text

imnotrevealingmyname:

kaleidescope-main:

lokihiddles:

daughter-of-hades1218:

daughter-of-poseidon-97:

mango-pickle:

holding-infinity-and-a-book:

therealjorisbohnson:

tentacleheadcold:

crying-at-ikea:

theoneandonlyredrobin:

joeymarahart:

dammitsammy:

itistimetodisappear:

markingatlightspeed:

celticpyro:

celestialdeth:

keep-chasing-rainbows:

ladepanda:

1. None of my family is on here

2. Barely anyone in my life knows the website even exists.

3. employers won’t ask for my tumblr handle

4. Website doesn’t post a “timeline” with laser-targeted ads about me.

5. Non-algorythmic feed. It lets me read shit in the order it was posted.

6. Can’t see other people’s follower counts. Big and small blogs interact/mix better, no one is idolized.

7. No one, absolutely no one, can manage to make money off us little shits

8. We somehow manage to constantly make Twitter people mad, and somehow people from Instagram idolize us in a way and steal our posts to put on their own page just because they know they are not worthy of making any better post.

9. It has the exact kind of comedy I can enjoy

10. when you make friends it doesn’t matter where you’re from or how you were raised or what your religion is because everyone on this fucking website has the same stupid sense of humor

11. It’s literally the only website I can think of, that isn’t specifically created for us, that lets Autistic and other neurodivergent people just exist and infodump and stim without endless cringe compilations being made of them

12. Gay

13. The Desis

14. The chaos

15. The fandoms

16. Tumblr Staff’s Sassiness

17. How tf do use use Twitter?

18. The humor on this site is simultaneously immaculate and simplistic. 

19. You find out everything from 2012 era gay ship memes.

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lilyemrys · 16 days ago
Text

thatisahotsoup:

thatisahotsoup:

speaking of music let me see if i can parse out a thot™️ real quick like ok… we talk about how songs just scream destiel all the time and it’s true and they capture the yearning and the want and i just think cas would hear these songs, and at first be like holy shit wait a minute other people feel this way??? are these also written by gay angels??? and then realize that he’s just feeling the most human emotions possible? and the song that makes him realize this is i’d do anything by simple plan

@jurisffiction you’re so right the humanity is stored in the pop music!!! cas would listen to everytime we touch by cascada and go

651 notes
lilyemrys · 17 days ago
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youve-always-had-me-cas:

No it is and always will be about the fact that Dean Winchester died to an enemy known for cutting their victims’ tongues out after not being given the ability to respond to his best friend’s love confession.

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lilyemrys · 19 days ago
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kestrel-tree:

Dealing with executive dysfunction and ADHD becomes so much easier when you stop trying to do things the way you feel like you should be able to do them (like everyone else) and start finding ways that actually work for you, no matter how “silly” or “unnecessary” they seem.

For years my floor was constantly covered in laundry. Clean laundry got mixed in with dirty and I had to wash things twice, just making more work for myself. Now I just have 3 laundry bins: dirty (wash it later), clean (put it away later), and mystery (figure it out later). Sure, theoretically I could sort my clothes into dirty or clean as soon as I take them off and put them away straight out of the dryer, but realistically that’s never going to be a sustainable strategy for me.

How many garbage bins do you need in a bedroom? One? WRONG! The correct answer is one within arms reach at all times. Which for me is three. Because am I really going to get up to blow my nose when I’m hyperfocusing? NO. In allergy season I even have an empty kleenex box for “used tissues I can use again.” Kinda gross? Yeah. But less gross than a snowy winter landscape of dusty germs on my desk.

I used to be late all the time because I couldn’t find my house key. But it costs $2.50 and 3 minutes to copy a key, so now there’s one in my backpack, my purse, my gym bag, my wallet, my desk, and hanging on my door. Problem solved.

I’m like a ninja for getting pout the door past reminder notes without noticing. If I really don’t want to forget something, I make a physical barrier in front of my door. A sticky note is a lot easier to walk past than a two foot high cardboard box with my wallet on top of it.

Executive dysfunction is always going to cause challenges, but often half the struggle is trying to cope by pretending not to have executive dysfunction, instead of finding actual solutions.

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lilyemrys · 20 days ago
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lesbianyuugi:

if supernatural was popular enough in universe that becky has the funkos I think it’s reasonable to conclude cas had to wade through their own merch when he went to hot topic and definitely got into it with a bunch of teens about how anti possession sigil keychains are useless as a form of defense against actual demons and they were like shut up old man! your cas cosplay isn’t even good. the coat is wrong

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lilyemrys · 22 days ago
Answer

Why does everyone always recommend Twist and Shout for destiel? Like what happened in fandom at that time to make it so popular that it's now a staple? I haven't read it. I refuse. I know there is major character death and people complain it is OOC so I'm just wondering why do people love it so much? I have read so many long fics written by immensely talented writers in this fandom that end hopefully and tackle difficult subject matter while maintaining character voices that it seems a shame that T&S is always recommended

So, I also haven’t read it - I don’t do MCD, no matter how highly recommended a fic comes. However, here’s what I’d say in answer to this question.

Twist and Shout came out, it was during a period when the fandom was huge, and exploding. Season 8 was something of a Destiel renaissance (it’s when I started shipping it, for example) and it’s not a coincidence that a lot of the best known fic came out in 2012 and 2013 (for reference, T&S started posting on October 15th, 2012, according to AO3). I wasn’t active on AO3 Destiel fandom at that time (I started reading fic on FF.net in early 2013) nor was I active on Tumblr or in fandom circles where shipping was a big Thing, so I don’t know what the general fandom reaction to it was at the time, but presumably it met with a fair degree of popularity. People liked it. People recced it. I have no idea if it had the MCD tag at that time, but presumably it did. People read it knowing that. And presumably, some people didn’t like it, and some people didn’t rec it, but like any other fic it went through a process of developing popularity.

Why did it get to be first?

In my honest opinion?

Utterly random chance. If you look at ANY developing fandom, some of the trends are in fact totally random, at least to begin with. Once the avalanche starts, though, it’s self-perpetuating.

Think about it. You’re in a brand new fandom. You don’t know anyone. You haven’t read anything. You’re desperate to read something. What do you do? You go to AO3, find the ship you want to read, and you sort by most hits, or most kudos, or most comments, and decide - I’m gonna start by reading these. You see the first fic…okay, MCD, a little off putting…but it’s got SO MANY HITS and SO MANY KUDOS…just take the chance!

So, you (my hypothetical fan) read this fic. One of two things happen - you either love it or you hate it. If you hate it, you may not even finish it, but regardless, you’ve added to the stats - your views count, and maybe you liked the early chapters and kudosed, or maybe you remember everything you’ve heard about authors liking comments on early chapters of fully posted works, and you commented. So those stats have gone up, even if someone HATED it. And on the second, you love it - and you come out gushing! You kudos! If you’re super enthusiastic maybe you log out and give it a second guest kudos! And, as you start getting into the fandom and meeting people, you want to spread this love - you tell your friends - hey, I just read this great fic, and yeah, it’s MCD, but just give it a chance!

And so it begins again - if you tell four people, and they read it, and two hate it, and two love it, and those two tell four people, and two hate it, and two love it, and it just cascades.

Why is Twist and Shout the most popular fic in this fandom? Because Twist and Shout is the most popular fic in this fandom. Yes, it’s a tautology, but it’s entirely self-perpetuating. People read it because it’s listed first. People read it because they like it, and re-read it and re-read, and re-read it, to get that high. People hate read it. People read it just to find out what the big deal is. In a fandom with coming up on 100,000 posted stories, Twist and Shout has almost twice as many kudos as the fic in second (by the, in my personal opinion, far more deserving Annie D, though it’s also not their best work in my opinion, and the reasons it’s up there are likely the same), and almost four times as many hits. By any measure on AO3 surveys, it’s number one when people sort, and lots of people will read it simply out of curiosity.

That kind of popularity is self-perpetuating. And of course lots of people love T&S - it has 1.2 million hits, and almost 35000 kudos. Even if we go extremely conservative and say, 35,000 people have read T&S, that’s simply a shit ton of people, and if even only 10% loved it, that’d still be 3500 people gushing about that single fic. I’ve been writing for 5 years and I don’t have a single fic with even 3500 kudos, and I’m considered a relatively successful writer in this huge fandom.

But here’s, to me, the most important thing - I truly believe any fic can be a Twist and Shout. It’s a confluence of events that makes a fic such a juggernaut, and the vast majority are simply luck. Random drift means one fic is gonna end up on the top of the heap - and once a fic is there, reading tendencies, confirmation bias, and exposure guarantee it’ll STAY on the top of the heap.

I started the Destiel Favs Survey because I felt that the “top 20″ fics by hits in the Destiel fandom didn’t reflect the fics people actually like. I got curious, so I made a list.

In February 21st, 2017, the top 20 fics on AO3 by kudos were:

  1. Twist and Shout by gabriel and standbyme (which, at the time, had 25,507 kudos)
  2. Dean Doesn’t Listen to Eurythmics by Annie D
  3. An Exercise in ‘Worthless’ by beastofthesky
  4. Revealed by Valinde
  5. Angel’s Wild by LimonadeGaby and riseofthefallenone
  6. Into Your Hideaway by thepinupchemist
  7. How (Thanks to Gabriel) Dean and Castiel (Accidentally) Raised Each Other (and Sam) by Vera_DragonMuse
  8. A Room of One’s Own by NorthernSparrow
  9. Out of the Deep by riseofthefallenone
  10. Grey by Valinde
  11. Convenient Husbands by Annie D
  12. Forget-Me-Not-Blues by noangelsinthegarrison
  13. When Charlie Met Cas by riseofthefallenone
  14. Real Slick Dean by trilliath
  15. In This Secluded Spot I Respond as I Wouldn’t Dare Elsewhere by RhymePhile
  16. The Breath of All Things by KistmetJeska
  17. Unfamiliar by riseofthefallenone
  18. Shut Up (Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is) by kototyph
  19. A Hole in the World by AnnelieseMichel
  20. A Beginner’s Guide to Communing with the Dead by suspiciousflashlight

Today, 1/9/21, four years later, the top 20 fics by Kudos are:

  1. Twist and Shout by gabriel and standbyme (no change in rank, now has 34,907 kudos)
  2. Dean Doesn’t Listen to Eurythmics by Annie D (no change in rank)
  3. Revealed by Valinde (+1 in rank)
  4. An Exercise in ‘Worthless’ by beastofthesky (-1 in rank)
  5. A Room of One’s Own by NorthernSparrow (+3 in rank)
  6. How (Thanks to Gabriel) Dean and Castiel (Accidentally) Raised Each Other (and Sam) by Vera_DragonMuse (+1 in rank)
  7. A Turn of the Earth by microcomets/mishcollin (not on the old list by kudos, but it was on the list by 2018 when I did another check in)
  8. Angel’s Wild by LimonadeGaby and riseofthefallenone (-3 in rank)
  9. Into Your Hideaway by thepinupchemist (-3 in rank)
  10. Unknown Quantities by xylodemon (the first work to break through, and it’s in tenth)
  11. Forget-Me-Not Blues by noangelsinthegarrison (+1 in rank)
  12. Grey by Valinde (-2 in rank)
  13. Convenient Husbands by Annie D (-2 in rank)
  14. Professional Couple Only by saltyfeathers (our second new work)
  15. Real Slick Dean by trilliath (-1 in rank)
  16. A Beginner’s Guide to Communing with the Dead by suspiciousflashlight (+4 in rank)
  17. When Charlie Met Cas by riseofthefallenone (-4 in rank)
  18. Unfamiliar by riseofthefallenone (-1 in rank)
  19. The Breath of All Things by KismetJeska (-3 in rank)
  20. Out of the Deep by riseofthefallenone (-11 in rank)

In 4 full years, only three works managed to break into the top 20, even though - based on my original data, which you can view here - most of these works have nearly double in the number of kudos they’ve had in that amount of time. Further, the most recently written fic on EITHER of these lists is from 2015 - A Turn of the Earth and Professional Couple Only are from 2015 - and all the rest is older.

These fics aren’t the top 20 because they’re better, and if there was even an ounce of objectivity in this list, it would have actually shown any change in 4 years instead of looking virtually identical. 

Twist and Shout, and the other “most popular” and “most recommended” works in the Destiel fandom have that distinction because they’re the most read, so more people read them, so they’re the most read, so more people read them, so they’re the most read, so…ad infinitum.

And that’s not a judgement call against them! There are fics I LOVE on that top twenty list. But, dear anon, you ask me why I think Twist and Shout is the most popular?

All of this is why. Twist and Shout is the most popular because popularity in fic culture is the only perpetual motion machine in the universe. It is self-perpetuating, and as a result, Twist and Shout will always be the most popular fic in this fandom.

And that’s why I do the faves list - because the tops on AO3 tell us abso-fraggin’-lutely nothing, and I thought we needed a list that actually meant something for what fics people active in the fandom truly love - which DOES include some of those top 20 fics by AO3 data, and includes lots and lots of others that are just as or more wonderful.

*steps off soap box*

(sorry this is stupidly long, I have Opinions.)

222 notes
lilyemrys · 23 days ago
Answer

Do you think Jimmy had a running monologue in Cas’s head like “Shove Dean against the wall. Just do it. Trust me, he’ll like it.”

i think it would be more like this

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lilyemrys · 26 days ago
Answer

That post was relatable, apparently. For me it's mostly "No I will not elaborate", followed within minutes by "Actually yes, I will explode unless I elaborate holdmycoatI'mgoingonaRANT"

(in reference to this)

HAHA yes exactly. I keep seeing so many people make cool statements and saying “No I will not elaborate” because it doesn’t need anything, but I could never do that. I have too much of a need to over explain every single thing with at least 7 off topic side bars. honestly it’s a wonder that the post was as short as it was because I needed to hold myself back from writing a whole essay with examples of me doing it to my friends.

i’ll say i won’t elaborate and then i’ll start physically shaking with the effort of holding myself back until my friends begrudgingly sigh and ask

1 notes
lilyemrys · 26 days ago
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babyspicegf:

adhd culture is when someone very sweetly asks ‘whats your top 3 favorite (x)’ and you have to be like sorry one minute ik i wrote this one down in my notes app as you open a folder labelled ‘personality (minutiae)’

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lilyemrys · 26 days ago
Text

the most cas-coded part of me is logging onto destiel tumblr and not getting the reference to whatever the hive mind latched onto today, but it’s okay because i’m having a great time riding in the backseat

6 notes
lilyemrys · 28 days ago
Text

dailydestieldose:

Cosmic betrayals aside, Cas really was like: Here’s a thing!! Dean likes the thing! And now I know it! I will say stuff about the thing to make dean smile. I want to understand all those things he likes, so I will listen and learn and devote my life to making him happy. That is simply what I will do. Now, here’s a silly little Star Wars reference.

Look how happy he is to try and make Dean happy, I’m

714 notes
lilyemrys · 29 days ago
Text

the-wednesday-tales:

17th Birthday

When he wakes up on his seventeenth birthday, Dean doesn’t expect much. He can’t even remember the last time he celebrated a birthday- Sammy will usually give him a (terribly) hand-drawn card and whatever little gift he’s managed to scrounge up on the road, but John lets the day pass just like any other. Dean doesn’t even want much, a simple happy birthday and candle to blow out would be more than enough..but he knows better than to ask for even that.

It’s been almost a year  since John dragged him out of the boys home and back on the road. He’s been looking at Dean differently ever since, a subtle change that Dean can’t quite put his finger on, but can feel palpably nevertheless. He wants to know what he did, but he’s even more afraid to find out. For now he keeps his head down and does as he’s asked, like always.

Dean sighs and rolls out of bed, gets dressed. He throws together what could pass as breakfast for him and Sammy, and when they’re finished John walks in and hands Dean a rifle. Dean silently follows him out into the forest, where they waste away the morning shooting at trees and tin cans.

Sam sits on a stump reading the whole time.

When they get back to the room, Dean has barely sat down at the table to clean the guns when a stack of papers lands in front of him with a plop. He looks up to see John looming over the table, a hard glint in his eyes. Dean eyes the papers warily.

John clears his throat, “There’s a couple of ghosts terrorizing the convent just outside of town. Two nuns haunting the place”.

Dean glances up at John. “Should I pack a bag, so we can head out right away?”

John shakes his head, slaps a gruff hand down on Dean’s shoulder.

“I’m going to stay behind with Sammy. It’s time you took on a hunt by yourself. It’s a simple salt and burn, so even you can’t fuck that up.”

The hand on his shoulder squeezes hard enough to bruise and Dean bites his tongue and nods, shame burning at the back of his throat. John gives him keys to the Impala then heads over to Sammy without another word.

Dean tucks the papers into a duffel alongside the salt, matches, and shotgun casings then heads out.

****
When Dean gets to St. Stephen’s Indian Mission, he pulls over on the other side of the road and pulls out the papers to read. The stack contains a section from the town’s newspaper and some photocopied files from the church mentioned.

Dean settles back to start reading, and is barely a couple sentences in when his stomach drops.

Two nuns.

Two nuns who were in love with each other and were found out by the townspeople.

They killed themselves shortly after, bled out beside one another in the convent’s cemetery, curled together beneath the statue of St. Stephen.

Dean has to close his eyes and swallow against the bile that rises in his throat.

He knows. He knows. He knows. He knows.

Dean draws in a few shaky breaths and slowly opens his eyes. He finally knows what changed, finally understands why John has been looking at him differently. John knows.

Dean cycles through his memories, tries to pinpoint how John could have figured it out. Dean’s been so careful…so careful. He never looks too long, he never flirts, and he certainly has never brought a boy back to the motel. And yet John still knows.

Maybe he can tell just by looking at Dean.

He spends a few more moments in the car, tamping down the rising panic before he gets out and starts investigating.

***
Night has fallen and Dean has spent the better part of two hours locating the graves of the two nuns- Helen and Adelaide. They were hidden in the forest behind the cemetery, marked by two simple crosses. They weren’t even given the decency of being buried in the cemetery, let alone a headstone.

He spends another couple of hours digging up the two graves. Two graves is so much harder then one, and tiring when you’re the only one digging.

He understands what this hunt is now. He understands why it’s his first one alone.

It’s punishment.

John sent him out here as punishment for what he has done, for who he is.

Dean wonders how many hunts, how many punishments he will have to endure until he is normal, until he is clean.

By the time he uncovered both sets of bones, the moon is high in the sky and lights the graves in an eerie bluish color. The nuns are dressed in plain clothes, their habits no where to be seen. Dean bites his cheek until it bleeds. Of course they aren’t in their habits. They defied God. They defied the natural order. They were sinners…abominations.

And now John knows. He knows Dean is just like them. That he is tainted, wrong, unnatural.

Dean goes to pour the salt into the two graves, but stops.

With tears slipping down his cheeks, he carefully moves one set of bones into the other grave. Places them side by side until they are resting together.

Maybe they couldn’t be together when they were alive, but at least now they will be together forever. They deserve that much.

He pours the salt and lights the match. Drops it in with a shaking hand.

He watches as the flames burn steadily. He contemplates stepping into the flames for just a second, a minute. No one else would have to know if he died. His secret would be safe. And he would be clean, right? The fire would purify him, purge him of sins and cleanse his soul of its stains.

But the thought passes, and he thinks of Sammy. He can’t leave him alone. Sammy deserves a good father and while John damn well will never be one, Dean can try.

Dean watches until the flames burn out, tears silently streaming down his face.

On the drive back he has to pull over on the side of the road to throw up. He retches until there’s nothing left in his stomach and the bile burns his throat. When he’s done his chest is heaving, but he still feels sick. His throat burns and his heart hurts when he thinks of Helen and Adelaide. He wonders if he’ll meet the same fate.

He spends a few minutes kneeling in the dirt panting, then pushes himself to his feet, wipes his mouth clean, and gets back in the car.

When he returns to the motel room, he can’t meet John’s eyes. Dean  knows that look will be written plainly across John’s face, knows now what that look means and why it’s there.

He tells John “It’s done” and goes to bed.

***
The next time John sends him on a solo hunt won’t be for years after that.

Inspired by @halfofmysoull @heller-jensen @bisexualrowena and the gut wrenching thing that is J*hn W*nchester’s journals.

2K notes