lonelyaddictionn-blog

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The End

I get out of rehab in two days. Therefore, I decided that this will be my last blog post. I decided this because there are many things on here that could trigger me to use. I could simply go back to my old blog posts and see how in love I was with heroin and the great feelings that it gave me. This could trigger me to use. I could even be scrolling and come across a picture of heroin being heated up by a lighter on a spoon. I don’t want that happening, so I’m ending it. Although this is a great outlet, I feel like this chapter of my story is over, and I will be beginning a new, positive and enlightening story. However, I am grateful that my experience as an addict was documented on here for those to look back upon and learn from my mistakes. Hopefully, you won’t end up like me, or the old me. lol. I am excited to be back in the real world, hopefully, I will survive.

Best wishes!  

#recovery #addiction

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Life is a million times better when you aren’t under the influence of a needle. 

Life is a million times better when you aren’t hiding behind a bottle.

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If I can be an example of getting sober Then I can be an example of starting over

“Starting Over” by Macklemore (via powerless-over-alcohol)

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♡

[lonelyaddictionn-blog]

Addiction

I had an alcoholic father who lived to abuse, I thought telling mommy was no use. Little did I know I'd grow up just like him, my innocence was stolen, my life grew dim. My life was ignited by addiction's fuse. 

But we both found an outlet, 

and now we seek forgiveness. 

[lonelyaddictionn-blog]

Pain

I was in pain

I will not lie

But being sober

is a much bigger prize.

My life is better now,

I still have temptations,

but I will not stride.

I will try to be great,

I will not fail or push drugs through my veins. 

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Hard, but not impossible

It’s like everything is okay

for everyone else

but you.

But you have to remember 

that everyone has their struggles,

not only you.

Just take it one day at a time.

It’s hard, but not impossible.

[lonelyaddictionn-blog]

The Six Stages of Substance Use

Note: “Negative consequences” is defined as anything that would be considered non-pleasurable. Hangovers, for instance, are a negative consequence of drinking too much. 

Abstinence: Not using at all. All people start off abstinent. People can also return to abstinence after a period of experimentation or using. People who unknowingly ingest substances are also considered “abstinent” if they did not willingly take said substance. 

Experimentation: Becoming curious to use to see what a substance does/feels like. At this stage, substance is usually not sought after but provided either by friends or family. Negative consequences usually do not occur at this stage.  Recreational or social use: At this stage, one is seeking out a substance to experience a desired effect, however, use is irregular and has no established pattern. Negative consequences usually do not occur at this stage. (Most people would consider themselves “recreational users,” but if there is any type of pattern to your use, you usually do not fall under this category!)

Habitual use: At this stage, a definite pattern of use has evolved (daily, every other day, every weekend, etc.) and a stronger craving for the drug is developed. Negative consequences at this stage may not occur, but is more likely. 

Abuse: Habitual use becomes abuse when negative consequences occur and yet use still continues. For example, if you are drinking alcohol every weekend and experience hangovers each time, you may fall under this category. 

Addiction: Abuse becomes addiction when there is an apparent compulsion to use. At this point, tolerance has developed (needing to take more of the drug in order to experience the same desire effect), withdrawal symptoms are present, attempts to moderate use or stop completely are ineffective, negative consequences are occurring, the drug has become a priority, anxiety is present when the substance is not available, and the substance is often needed to function (whether emotionally, physically, or other). 

“But I’m a functioning addict?” 

Congratulations, you’re in denial. 

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Sobriety

Don’t think about how you will be in a month or a year. You have to take baby steps. One day of sobriety at a time. Focus on the next 24 hours ahead of you, it will help you get closer to where you want to be. That’s what I learned. Although the sober life is still new to me, I found that this is the best way to stay clean. 

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I am trying to stay strong, to not think about taking another hit once I’m outta here. I just try to remember how shitty I felt. I hated my life, why should I go back to that? What is it going to do for me other than just break me down again? I’ll just eat up beaten up and dead. That is not the life I want. These are the things that I have to remember in order to keep myself in check. These are the things that we ALL have to remember in a dark time. The drug is not stronger than us, we are stronger than the drug. We Decide if we want a better life for ourselves. 

I know you might feel like relapsing would be easier. Like it’s too hard, like you just want this temporary relief. But as hard as it is, it’s not worth it. You’re stronger than that. A moment of relief isn’t worth reversing so much progress, not worth the damage it does, not worth losing or delaying the better future of soberity. Please stay strong. For yourself. For the future.

[lonelyaddictionn-blog]

Soon

I get out of rehab soon... after 3 months of being clean (counting before my relapse). I am scared but also excited. I learned new ways to deal with my stress and new activities if I ever feel lonely. Although I am going back out into the world after being an inpatient, I feel as though that I am ready. I am going to have to get rid of everything that triggers me. I will need to start fresh if I want a new life. I plan on redoing my room, to get a different vibe going. A happy vibe, so that I am surrounded by positivity when I wake up in the morning and when I go to bed. I need a cleanse. I will also go to Narcotics Anonymous meetings once a week to keep myself on track with my sobriety, I think that it will be a big help in maintaining it because I’ll be motivated by others to better things with my life. Even though I’m scared of returning to heroin, I have a great support group to help me if I’m ever feeling week. Now that my addiction isn’t a secret anymore, I actually have the option to talk to people about my problems rather than getting high to forget them. I have my parents, friends from rehab, NA meetings, and family to help me. Having my parents know what goes on in my life now lifted a huge weight off of me. Hiding things and keeping secrets only made our relationship more distant, I feel like they care more now. They feel bad for not being as on top of me as they should have been because they feel like they could have prevented what happened to me. But I don’t blame it on them, they couldn’t have done anything to prevent it. Once I got hooked, that was it. No going back. They couldn’t have possibly changed that. 

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Believe you can and you're halfway there

Theodore Roosevelt

#drugs #heroin #addiction #recovery #rehab

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An addiction is always an addiction no matter how long you’ve been away. It will welcome you back with open arms, crying over how much it has missed you. An abusive relationship, those crocodile tears only serve to pull you right back in. Do not trust the sweet, sweet siren song. You will lose yourself again. This bitter scrape with death will leave you gasping again and again. Do not return to the sweet, sweet siren song. You will lose yourself again.

I have been lost so many times - 7/365 - EJ Ring (via ej-ring)

I have lost that battle twice to heroin. An overdose and a relapse. I refuse to let it win over me again. 

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No matter where you go. Addiction always stays.

(via addiction-n-depression)

I’ll always be an addict, and I’ve accepted that. But in order to maintain my sobriety, I have learned through the 12 steps to help other addicts. I hope that it will give me a sense of purpose. I will wait until I am sober for a longer time to reach out. But for now being with those around me in rehab is enough. We help one another every day to stay sober. It is the key to sobriety.

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These are the feelings that I had not too long ago. I probably should have died when I overdosed, I deserved it. I chose that life for myself, the life of self-destruction. But when you’re addicted, it is hard to see that there is another choice. You are blind to that choice because all you see and crave is heroin (or the drug of your choice). But I’ve changed for the better, and it is capable for everyone. You just have to give help to others in order to receive more help for yourself. 

I was declared dead. Luck is the only reason I’m alive (my heroin addiction)

I was frail. I had almost no color. I’m 5'7 and my weight got down to 110. I was skin and bones. I was stealing from stores and doing shady shit. I had a job but don’t even remember most of it because I spent a lot of time in the bathroom smoking dope. I lived out of my car. I was showering in the park. I sold everything I had except my car because I was living out of it. I only had a few pairs of clothes. I had no real friends and no family. I was getting sick, doing whatever for my next fix. I was dying. I was dead. I have been revived 3 times after overdosing. There is absolutely no reason I’m alive today other than dumb luck. I should be dead. I shouldn’t have a voice or this blog. This blog should’ve long since stopped posting had the reaper claimed me like he should’ve three times when my heart stopped and I turned blue. Luckily I was surrounded by people who knew cpr all three times. One time it was a lady that found me in my car at a Kroger parking lot and pulled me out to save my life. I cried as she held me because I saw my father that time. He has been dead and I still have trouble seeing his face but I saw him clear as day when I had died that day before I was revived. He had a look of disappointment and sadness. I know the mind has a crazy way of “flashing your life before your eyes” and dmt is released and shit so I’m sure that’s what caused it but that was enough to fuck with me…. I had gotten clean only to forget that moment and relapse. I died one more time and at this point… I knew the next time I wasn’t going to make it. I wouldn’t be able to blog or talk to any of you. To aee living family. No one can get lucky that many times because the last time they told me that had they been a minute later, I wouldn’t have made it. I was completely blue and my heart stopped for over a minute. I should be dead. I have died. I never crossed over to the other side but I can tell you that death is a beautiful thing. You should never be afraid of death but you should never seek it, either, because you leave behind everything. When I experienced death and came to, I had no problem with death itself. I had a problem with leaving behind the living. I’ve been asked a few times what’s it like to die. That’s my honest answer. However, that doesn’t mean I’m ready to go. I had destroyed my family, burned bridges, and left ash in my wake. I realized my funeral would’ve been filled with whispers of the addiction and left many angry at me. I have to make amends with these chances I’ve been given. This is my truth. This is me. I am alive. I will continue to survive and make amends and do something with the life I’ve been given.